Chapter 2

Hoo, Like a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
When your heart beats
Next to mine
Gonna give you all my love, boy...

I’ll never forget that Summer in the back of my Aunt’s old rusty Mercury Marquis and hearing Madonna on the radio. That song was new back then, and now you can only hear it on the Golden Oldie’s stations.

I was butt naked in the hump seat of the backseat. My Cousins Buddy and Lewis had plenty of room to sit by the window, but they both insisted on crowding me so they could slap and poke each other.

My Cousins were also butt naked, but they didn’t have full on erections as I did!

My Aunt had just offered to get us Happy Meals, and my two cousins were cheering while I was having what felt like a full-scale panic attack that we’d be spotted in the drive-through line and called out for riding completely naked.

“Mommy, what is a virgin?” Buddy asked his mother from the backseat. He and his brother were bumping and sliding into me and generally being irritatingly precocious brats.

“Well,” Aunt Sam thought for a moment and explained, “It can be a pure and innocent girl.” I didn’t know what a virgin was either back then. I had heard it mentioned on Porky’s and I assumed at the time it was a loser because the character I identified with “Pee Wee” desperately didn’t want to be one anymore. I knew it had something to do with sex, but honestly, I had no idea how any of that worked other than a few theories.

“Is my sister a virgin, Momma?” Buddy asked his mother after processing what she had just said a virgin was.

“I hope so, but she has started dating so maybe not,” Aunt Sam had a perpetual smirk on her face, and she laughed a little under her breath as she pulled into the McDonald’s parking lot. I was praying we were going to head to the drive through and not go inside.

What a difference a few months could make in maturity. I was not more than a year in age to my cousin Blair, and yet her mother was prepared to speculate she had sex while she relegated me to the backseat along with her two younger sons like we were toddlers who didn’t need to cover up our privates.

“Are you a virgin, Mommy?” Lewis asked his mother.

“Not for a very long time, Lewis” Aunt Sam didn’t hesitate to answer him, and she sighed a little.

“Well, I think you are pure and inter-decent, Mommy,” Lewis said after thinking about what she just said. He had mispronounced innocent as indecent, but Aunt Sam didn’t correct him. She just smirked knowingly.

“Thank you, Lewis,” Aunt Sam smirked at Lewis in the rearview mirror and winked at him.

My Aunt Sam noticed me trying to cup my nuts when we pulled slowly into the drive-through lane. “What did I tell you about tugging on that thing? People will think you are nasty! Take your hands away now or so help me. I’ll stop this car and march you into the McDonald’s bathroom and introduce you to Tyrone!”

Buddy and Lewis became quiet and seemed afraid on my behalf. I removed my hands reluctantly from my cock and waited. I saw people walking into the McDonalds, and I assumed they saw me, but no one said anything.

There were at least two cars ahead of us before we got to the menu where we could give our order.

“Why does Cousin Eddie’s thing stand up like that, Momma?” Buddy asked about my erection and made no secret about looking right at it.

“Well, it is perfectly natural at his age. Yours will do it too, Buddy,” Aunt Sam explained.

“Is it like Stretch Armstrong where if I pull my penis it will stay that way?” Buddy had a gleam of enthusiasm in his eye as he looked enviously at my stubby erection.

“Haha, well...” Aunt Sam was trying to hold back a chuckle, but she thought what Buddy had said was funny.

“Is it like Pinocchio where the more likes Eddie tells, the longer it gets?” Lewis offered his own theory that my penis worked like Pinocchio’s nose.

“I wish it did work that way because I could have forgiven a few of the men I’ve dated for their dishonesty,” I wasn’t sure why my Aunt would forgive their lies, but much later when I was older I realized she was joking that those guys would have huge dicks because they were huge liars and that would be a decent trade-off.

“If you must know and I am sure you are too young to really understand, but it is probably from thinking too many dirty thoughts,” Aunt Sam’s quizzical smile puzzled me. She seemed amused and annoyed at the same time to be asked these questions by her precocious sons.

“I think dirty thoughts all the time, Mommy!” Buddy admitted and when she asked him what kind he said “I am thinking about rolling in the mud and the sand and the dirt right now!! How come my thingy won’t get hard?”

“Well, give it time, Buddy!” Aunt Sam snickered at her son’s innocent question.

“You better not roll around in sand you just pee-pee’d in!” Lewis scolded his brother, and the two had an impromptu slap fight across my lap from their sides of the backseat. They could have easily slid over to the edge and given me a room, but they crowded next to me so their little arms could easily poke each other.

“How many times have I told you not to pee at the beach, Buddy?” Aunt Sam asked her son.

“I don’t know, Momma? Sixteen?” Buddy guessed.

“Try sixteen hundred million thousand!” Lewis joked and offered an outrageous number instead, and the two renewed their slap fight. Their mother ignored the two of them roughhousing and asked me if I knew better than to pee in public.

“Yes, I would never do that,” I answered rather thoughtfully.

“So fancy! You sound like a fancy lad, Eddie!” Aunt Sam mocked me for sounding bookish and nerdy. I knew that is how I sounded and it only made me a little more red-faced.

“How come he has so many hairs on his thing, Mommy?” Buddy dared to question my pubic hair. I had a patch of short-cropped curly sandy-red hair above my cock and around my balls, and he just had a few wisps of long red hair on his crotch.

I was taking it very personally that Buddy was observing my penis and asking questions about it. It was increasingly humiliating to be the subject of his anatomy questions to his mother.

Aunt Sam ordered three happy meals for us and didn’t ask me what I wanted with it. She ordered something for herself and then turned back and looked at me in the backseat as if noticing for the first time that I did have pubic hair.

“Some boys get it earlier than others, and you will get it too, Buddy” she assured him before turning around to face forward and wait our turn in line.

“I have hair on the crack of my butt,” Buddy said out loud, but his mother didn’t acknowledge his statement.

“Nuh-uh!” Lewis insisted that couldn’t be true and then when Buddy said it was his little brother demanded to see it.

Buddy lifted out of the seat, turned to face away from Lewis and me, pulled his pale white buttocks apart far enough I could see he had no hair between his cheeks and his actual pink butthole and then farted loudly on both of us.

Lewis began laughing hysterically, and the two of them started a fart-fight in the backseat of farting on each other. As I was neutral territory between them, naturally I got the worst of the gas. They both put “L” above their foreheads with their fingers after each fart as if that meant something as well.

“Would you three stop misbehaving? If you want to behave like baboons, I’ll drop you off at the Zoo!” Aunt Sam was clearly joking.

Naturally, both Lewis and Buddy started making monkey and chimp sounds and encouraging their mother to drop us off at the Zoo.

Once we reached the pick-up window, I noticed a beautiful girl with thick eyebrows and braces. She was about Blair’s age and had her hair pulled back. She was wearing one of those McDonald Visors, and she smiled as she saw us in the backseat and actually waved at us.

She had to see Buddy and Lewis hopping up and down to try to get attention, but she regarded us playful kids and laughed. I would have been red-faced if I was caught with my fly down in front of a girl like that and now she was able to see me wholly unclothed and sitting with two total goobers, and she looked at us like we were immature buffoons.

Blair had braces too. I thought, and I still do believe that braces on a young girl look sexy for some reason. There is this jagged, forbidding aluminum strip of metal in their mouth that looks like it was designed for a Bond Villain’s henchmen daring you to try to kiss them. Yet, you want to explore the mystery of their mouth. I’d loved to have had braces too and been accidentally locked to the cashier’s braces and forced to kiss her all night long.

Instead, she waved at us and told us the Happy Meal was a Beach Ball.

“Ooh, did you get a Ronald Beach Ball? I got a Grimace Beach Ball! I have one of those already!” Buddy shouted as we drove away. I definitely wouldn’t be kissing that pretty girl any time soon.

Aunt Sam let us eat in the backseat and naturally Buddy and Lewis got ketchup all over their fingers and all over themselves and at some point all over me.

“Right, into the bath with you!” my Aunt said as she parked at her house. It was still broad daylight, and she lived in a duplex in a busy neighborhood. There were kids playing outside and people walking around.

I made a mad dash for the door in the hopes that nobody would see me streaking across their lawn to the front door. I was desperately hoping Blair would not be home because I knew she would never let me live it down and frankly I didn’t want to be embarrassed further.

Buddy yelled “Hey Franklin! Want to come over? We got Grimace Beach Balls, check it out!” and he held up his happy meal toy and waved at his friend standing in the driveway with his tiny ding-a-ling swinging between his legs. I was mortified.

“Not on your life,” Aunt Sam grabbed Buddy by the ear and dragged him and Lewis towards the locked door that I was frantically pulling on as if I could somehow strong arm the door open. There was a gaggle of kids on scooters and bikes frantically running up after Buddy summoned his friend to see our stupid Happy Meal toys.

I thought I would be safe from more shame, but just as my Aunt put her key into her front door, a woman in the duplex next to us opened her door. She was tall and had an imperious and stern expression much more so than my Aunt. She carried herself like a strict headmistress of an elite boarding school and spoke with a crisp New England accent.

“Hello Mrs. Hannigan,” My Aunt could barely contain her displeasure in how she greeted her neighbor.

“Have you the rent, Samantha?” Mrs. Hannigan asked dourly.

“It isn’t the first, Mrs. Hannigan,” My Aunt had her hands full trying to corral both of her sons who were covered in condiments and turn the key to get in her house. It was apparent she was trying to brush her off.

“Who might this odious young man be? Another occupant?” Mrs. Hannigan regarded me like I was a lowly worm and spoke directly to my Aunt as if I were a pet she was trying to sneak into the house.

“This is my nephew, Eddie. He is just here for the Summer,” she told me to great Mrs. Hannigan and let go of her struggling sons. They scampered back off down the gravel drive-way to show their toys to the kids who had gathered not far away. I saw girls my age along with boys, and they clearly saw that we were naked. They were smiling and giggling, but none of them freaked out about it.

“Hello Mrs. Hannigan, it is a pleasure to meet you,” I offered my hand for her to shake. Aunt Sam looked down at me like I was an adorable little monkey who learned to imitate human beings.

Mrs. Hannigan refused to accept my hand. “He seems a bit old to be without clothes,” she said to Mrs. Hannigan.

I didn’t like this snooty older woman, but at least she was on my side!

“We were just at the beach, and the boys got dirty. I am not going to get sand and grit in my car from their trunks. As dirty as my boy’s get I would need my OWN washer and dryer to keep up with the laundry,” Aunt Sam implied that she wanted a washer and dryer in her house to her landlord.

“Indeed, perhaps you should consider finding a different home suited to boarding your guests,” Mrs. Hannigan snorted with derision and then looked right at my penis. “THAT is a disgusting young man; you should have your mouth washed out with soap for standing out here like that,” she said to me.

I had no idea at the time she was even referencing my erection. I assumed she meant my nudity in general. “Quite frankly, this was hardly my idea! I want to go inside!” I am sure I sounded like a know-it-all brat because even though I just agreed with her, she looked at me like I had just sassed her.

“The nerve!” Mrs. Hannigan looked back at my Aunt for some explanation for my rudeness. I didn’t think I had been rude at all.

“He just talks fancy that way. He must read a lot,” my Aunt shrugged. She didn’t take what I said seriously at all.

“I mean his staff is at full mast. It is highly inappropriate,” Mrs. Hannigan said. I had no idea that was a reference to a boner at the time.

“Yeah, but he doesn’t mean anything by it. I am starting to think it just stands up because he has to go pee or something. It’s been like that all the way home,” my Aunt chuckled, and they both observed my erection wondering if it was just a piss-boner.

“You should wash his mouth out with soap at once before this inappropriate behavior continues!” Mrs. Hannigan insisted, and she added that the fact I didn’t know why it was inappropriate was no excuse. “Does a child need to know the definition of a profane word they have used in the presence of their elders to have their mouth washed out? I don’t understand your lenient generation!” Mrs. Hannigan.