Chapter 4

How I lost my mind, but found true love and happiness.

When we walked in from our time on the boat, Kevin asked us how the day had gone.

Before I could say anything, Christy offered the following comments.

“Mom, Dad, it was one of the best days EVER! Beth and I have decided John and Beth are going to get married and have at least four children. By the way, you don’t have to worry about my being a lesbian anymore. After Beth has her children, I will be 18 or 19 so I am going to let John take my virginity and then John will father six girls with me.”

“God in heaven, please just take me NOW!” I thought. “Please send a lightning bolt or something, just kill me NOW!”

I am in really good shape, physically. I run two or three miles on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I ride my bike 10 or 12 miles on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. I also try to swim at least a mile every day.

I’ve already told you what incredible shape Kevin was in. His arms were massive. What I didn’t tell you was he was a four-year starter and a First-Team, All-American middle linebacker for the Georgia Tech football team, where he had a reputation as one of the hardest hitters and meanest players in the Atlanta Coast Conference. Playing football accounted for his nose being broken multiple times.

I knew that I could easily outrun him in a race or any event that emphasized endurance, but there was no way I could even come close to matching his strength. If he ever got mad at me and got his hands on me, he could probably snap me like a twig!

And I am sure it would take a lot longer, and be a lot more painful than getting hit by a lightning bolt!

And now his precious younger daughter, who had almost been killed two days ago, has just informed him I’m going to marry his oldest daughter and have four kids, then take her virginity and give her six kids!

Kevin: “John and Beth are going to get married?”

Rachel: “And have four kids?”

Beth: “At least four, maybe more.”

Christy: “Two girls and two boys – maybe more.”

Kevin: “And he is going to take your virginity?”

Rachel: “And have six more children with you?”

Beth: “Six girls with Christy.”

Christy: “Six girls – they will be just like me!”

Beth: “Six little Christys.”

Kevin: “SIX little Christys?”

Rachel: “Six little CHRISTYS?”

Christy: “Six little Christys. They will be just like me.”

Rachel: “Can the human race survive six little Christys?”

Kevin: “Human race, hell, can the PLANET survive six little Christys!”

Rachel: “Beth, does John’s mouth always hang open like that? It’s a little disconcerting.”

Beth: “Yeah, he did that all day.”

Rachel: “John, you need to close your mouth or bugs are going to fly in and start breeding.”

Christy: “Here, I’ll push it shut again. I had to do that all day.”

Me: “What ... what ... what is WRONG with you people? Is this a house or ... or an insane asylum? Your youngest daughter tells you I am going to marry your oldest daughter and have four kids ... MAYBE MORE!! ... and ... and ... and your youngest daughter tells you I am going to take her ... her VIRGINITY and ... and ... and have six more children with her out of wedlock and ... and ... and all you can say is bugs are going to fly into my mouth and ... and ... and BREED!!!”

Me: “Am I the only person who sees something wrong with this scenario? Am I the only person here who shouldn’t be LOCKED UP?”

Kevin: “Does he always get this worked up?”

Beth: “That’s one of the things I love most about him, Dad. He is very passionate!”

Rachel: “Actually, Kevin, you used to do the mouth open, emotional thing as well from what I remember.”

Christy: “Dad’s mouth would drop open like that?”

Beth: “Dad used to get emotional like that?”

Rachel: “Well, when your Dad used to do it, he was a lot cuter. But I eventually broke him of the habit.”

Kevin starts rubbing his shoulder: “Yeah, your Mom helped me break that habit. Sometimes my shoulder still hurts, though.”

Christy: “Look, his mouth is open again.”

Rachel: “Really, Beth, I don’t want to insult your husband and the father of your and Christy’s children, but it does make him look kind of stupid.”

Christy: “Well, I’ll push it shut again.”

Beth: “Wait, Little Sister, do you mind if I try something different first?”

Christy: “Of course not, Big Sister. I mean he IS going to be YOUR husband. I’m just going to borrow him from time to time.”

Beth stepped in front of me until her body was pressed against mine. Then, in front of her parents, she took both my hands and put them on her butt.

Pulling my head down, she then stuck her tongue into my open mouth.

I’m not sure how long we kissed – or rather Beth kissed me, but I woke up on the couch with Beth, Christy and Rachel all hovering over me.

Beth was very tenderly wiping my face with a damp cloth.

“What ... what happened?” I asked.

Rachel: “Well, Beth was kissing you and you had just started squeezing my daughter’s ass and moaning, when you started mumbling something about vampires and villagers. Then you said something about Count Christy, Count Beth and Count Rachel. After that you started yelling for a cross and holy water. I didn’t know you were Catholic, John?”

Christy: “He’s not Catholic, Mom.”

Beth: “He just gets a little emotional. That’s why he needs me to look after him.”

Me: “Beth, I owe you an apology for calling you a crazy, deranged pervert who gets turned on looking at men throw up! I was obviously wrong! YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY IS CRAZY AND DERANGED. THEY ARE STARK, RAVING MAD!”

Kevin: “Beth, you get turned on watching men throw up?”

Rachel: “That’s really kinky, Beth.”

Christy: “I told her the same thing, Mom.”

Beth: “Mom, Dad, I’ve already told this idiot who is going to marry me and be the father of my four children, that no, I don’t get turned on watching MEN throw up ... I get turned on watching HIM throw up!”

Rachel: “Good one, Beth.”

Beth and her Mom exchanged a high five.

Me: “I need a beer!”

Kevin actually brought me a beer, which I downed in a single swallow.

“Look, John, I kind of know what you are going through, since I went through something similar myself. Not quite as bad as what you went through today, but similar,” said Kevin.

“Five minutes after I met Rachel, she told me I was going to marry her, have two children and we would start our own company selling guidance components for missiles to the Defense Department.

“The biggest difference is I only had one complete lunatic to get used to, while you are getting triple-teamed today. You have three lunatics you have to get used to,” he said.

Beth, laughing: “Good one, Dad!”

Christy: “Big Sister, you do realize he is talking about us?”

Beth: “Hey, Christy and I can hit, too, Dad.”

Rachel: “That’s my girls!”

Me: “I need another beer!”

Rachel: “Beth, does he have a drinking problem?”

Christy: “Earlier today, when I asked the same thing he said he didn’t have a drinking problem, he had an insanity problem. He called us nitwits and told us we were insane.”

Rachel: “What did you do?”

Christy: “Beth has already claimed one shoulder...”

Rachel: “That’s my girl!”

Christy: “ ... so I used the other shoulder, only I can’t hit as hard as Beth.”

Rachel, laughing: “Don’t worry, Sweetie, as you get older and stronger, it won’t be long until you can hit as hard as Beth and I. From what I’ve seen so far, it looks like you will have plenty of practice.”

Me: “Practice?”

Kevin: “Look girls, you aren’t really helping here. Let me try to explain some things to John.”

“John, you are just suffering from total sensory overload. You have just had too much information presented to you today and you are having trouble processing it all.

“There’s no other way to say it, John, but you passed out a few minutes ago.”

Me: “Passed out?”

Beth: “Yeah, passed out! I must be an even better kisser than I thought.”

Rachel: “If you were a Southern belle, John, a hundred years ago, they would say you swooned.”

Me, turning red: “Swooned?”

Beth: “Swooned!”

Christy, laughing: “Swooned! The father of Beth’s four kids and my six swooned!”

Before I could even say it, Rachel, Beth and Christy all, in perfect unison said, “I need a beer,” then broke up laughing.

Me: “Hell, I need a case of beer,” which provoked even more laughter from the three female members of the insane asylum.

Kevin: “Look, John, we aren’t talking about normal women here ... if there is really such a thing as normal women. All three have a genius level IQ.”

Me: “Normal women?”

Kevin: “Yes, normal women. You have to learn that once they set their minds to something, it is a lot easier ... and less painful (rubbing his shoulder) to simply go along.”

Me: “Less painful?”

Rachel: “Does he always repeat everything he hears?”

Christy: “I think so.”

Beth: “That’s one of the things I love most about him, Mom.”

Rachel: “As I recall, your father did the same thing when we first met.”

Christy: “Daddy used to repeat everything you said?”

Beth: “How cute!”

Kevin, turning slightly red: “Yes ... well ... that was a long time ago.”

Rachel: “Exactly how is this going to work, Beth? Marriage to you, four kids, and then six kids with Christy?”

Beth: “Well, for the past six months Christy has been his financial manager. Of course he didn’t find that out until today.”

Christy: “Mom, can you believe well over half his money was in passbook savings?”

Kevin: “Passbook savings?”

Rachel: “Passbook savings? What, is he some 90 year old widow?”

Christy: “Even worse than that, Mom. The rest of his money was earning way less than three percent interest. But for the past six months, since I changed his investment portfolio, he has been earning over 20 percent interest.”

Rachel: “Way to go, Christy. Boy, he REALLY needs the two of you.”

Beth: “John has agreed...”

Me: “John didn’t agree with ANYTHING.”

Beth: “John WILL agree to pay Christy 10 percent commission on anything he earns over 15 percent interest.”

Christy: “Hey, this is the first I have heard about only receiving a commission on earnings over 15 percent interest!”

Beth: “My husband and I have to give you some kind of incentive, Little Sister.”

Christy: “Okay, Big Sister, but I think we need to change it to 10 percent on earnings between 15 and 20 percent, then 15 percent on earnings over 20 percent.”

Beth: “That sounds reasonable, Christy.”

Kevin: “Don’t worry John, you’re in very good hands.”

Me: “That’s what I’m afraid of.”

Beth: “Then when Christy’s ready, she will pay John and me a stud fee for John’s services.”

Me, turning red: “Oh, shit! I thought you were kidding. What am I, a piece of meat?”

Beth: “A very cute piece of meat, John.”

Rachel: “Yes, in a Neanderthal, barbarian sort of way. He reminds me of your father a little.”

Kevin: “Thanks, honey.”

Rachel: “So, how much is the stud fee?”

Beth: “We haven’t actually discussed that yet. How much do you think, Little Sister?”

Christy starts walking around me, looking me up and down.

“I suppose it would be too much to ask for John to take off his clothes? I would like to compare him to my favorite statue, Michelangelo’s sculpture of David,” she inquired.

Me: “Not on your LIFE, you little pervert!”

Christy: “I love it when you talk dirty to me, John.”

Rachel: “CHRISTINE LYNN ADAMS, where did you hear that?”

Christy: “Watching some of Dad’s DVDs, the ones he keeps on the top shelf of his closet in the bedroom, behind the old dirty football uniforms that you can’t stand to touch.”

Rachel: “KEVIN ADAMS, what DVDs is she talking about?”

Kevin, barely audible and rubbing his shoulder again: “Uhh, I don’t know, Honey, I don’t really remember any, uhh, DVDs.”

Rachel: “We’ll talk more about THAT later tonight while we are cleaning out your closet!”

Christy: “Oh well, sorry, Dad. Anyway I think a reasonable fee to pay for John’s services would be ... a dollar and a quarter?”

Me, turning beet red: “A dollar and a quarter????”

Beth: “Come on, Little Sister. He has written two bestsellers, both were made into movies and you said his new book is the best one yet?”

Rachel: “He has a new book?”

Christy: “Yeah, I found it when I hacked into his publisher’s computers.”

Rachel, who finally stopped glaring at Kevin, and with an unmistakable note of pride in her voice: “You hacked into his publisher’s computers?”

Christy: “Well, yes, but only after I broke into his house and hacked his laptop.”

Kevin, who seemed really, really happy to change the subject: “You broke into his house?”

Beth: “He uses the security system you and Mom designed.”

Rachel: “Oh that must have been a piece of cake for you, Christy?”

Christy: “Yeah, it was real easy. In fact it was (giggling) child’s play!”

Rachel: “In order to get the money to start our current business, Kevin and I first started a security company, John.”

Beth: “Christy said his new book is the best one yet, Mom.”

Rachel: “Oh, you’ve GOT to let me read it, Christy.”

Christy: “Okay, Mom.”

Beth: “Now, back to business, Christy. He’s already written two bestsellers, probably has a third, had two movies made from his books and is probably looking at a third movie.”

Beth starts walking around me, looking me up and down.

“I suppose it really would be too much to ask you to take your clothes off, John?” Beth asked.

“You two are NUTS!” I declared, in a strangled tone.

Beth: “I am thinking at least ... two dollars, Little Sister.”

Me: “Two dollars!!!!”

“I need a beer,” Rachel, Beth, Christy and Kevin shouted in perfect unison, then all broke up laughing.

I just buried my face in my hands.

I think I may have begun sobbing.

Kevin: “I’ve already asked once, but does he really always get this emotional?”

Christy: “He seemed pretty emotional on the boat.”

Beth: “I told you, that’s one of the things I love most about him, Dad.”

Me: “Emotional? Emotional? EMOTIONAL? The four of you could make Michelangelo’s solid granite statue of David break down and start weeping.”

Christy: “Actually, John, the 17-foot-tall, 12,000-pound statue was carved out of a single block of Carrara marble, not granite.”

Kevin: “That’s Carrara marble, John, from the Carrara region of Italy.”

Rachel: “When Christy was only five, she made an exact and I mean exact reproduction of Michelangelo’s David, anatomically correct, out of play dough. Smaller of course – that is, the statue I mean, not necessarily ... Oh, never mind.”

I think I started sobbing harder.

Rachel sat down on one side of me and Beth on the other. They each put an arm around my shoulders.

Rachel: “I think John has had all he can handle for one day, Beth. You need to take him home now and put him to bed. Here, honey.”

I saw Rachel hand Beth a small overnight bag.

Beth: “What’s this?”

Rachel: “Well, after he swooned...”