Chapter 14

Claire phoned Simon and told him she would not be applying immediately for the Decree Absolute.

“I’ve had a last minute visit from Peter, and he’s getting therapy,” she said. “So I’ll delay until I’m certain there’s no hope.”

“Fine,” Simon said. “You’re the boss, and I think you’re right. After the Final Decree there’s no going back. You can’t undo it. You’ll feel better in yourself if you’ve given the marriage every chance,”

That evening, there was another phone call. This time John answered it.

“John? Is it true? No divorce? She’s going back to him?” It was Ellen, Simon must have returned home after work, John thought.

“Hi, Ellen!” said John. “Yes, she is putting off getting the final Decree. Peter is getting therapy it seems. She’s giving him a chance.”

“Another chance? Going back to him?”

“Ellen,” he said gently. “I’ll put Claire on.”

He gave the phone to Claire, who, having heard Ellen’s name, was now standing by him.

“Hi Ellen,” she said as cheerfully as she could, bracing herself for what she knew was coming.

“Claire, what’s going on?”

“Peter came over and we talked. He’s getting counselling or therapy or something, and he asked me to delay the divorce and give him a chance to show he’s changed.”

“Give him a chance? After all he’s done? So you’re going back to all that stress and tension?”

“After a month I’m going back on a trial basis. If he’s really changed, I’ll stay, though I’ll be coming to England regularly. If he’s no better, I’m coming back and divorcing him.”

“God, Claire, you’re a bloody saint! How’s John taking it?”

“How d’you think? You met him at New Year. I can tell he’s not delighted I’m going back, but he’ll support me because I’m married to Peter.”

“Claire, level with me. Have you slept with John?”

“On three occasions I went to him and stayed in his bed with him. I was very down and upset. He held me, gave me a cuddle, but no more than that.”

“I can’t believe you two! You could make an opera out of this drama! Darling Sister, you and John should be together, you really do deserve each other and you make an ideal couple. I don’t know how you both can live like that.”

“Resisting the urge to make love to him is hard, Ellen, very hard. I really desire him a lot.” She cast a grin at John, “but I’m far happier even as we are than ever I used to be with Peter!”

“Yeah, well, from what you said, sex with Peter was not something you lived for!”

“There are more important things, Ellen.”

“Not many!” Ellen said, laughing.

That ended the conversation and Claire could almost hear Ellen shaking her head as she hung up with assurances of her love, no matter what stupidity Claire proposed, as she put it.

Claire turned to John and smiled bleakly.

“I think you can guess what Ellen was saying,” she said.

John nodded. “You should divorce and have a rollicking sex life with me!”

They both laughed. “Roughly correct!” she said as the laughter died.

“If things were different...” John let the sentence hang.

“Yes, dearest John, if things were different.”

She took s step forward and hugged him to her. Then she sought his mouth and kissed him. It was not really a short platonic kiss. Then she looked guilty.

John smiled. “I really enjoyed that, but as I can see from your face, things are not different, are they?”

She shook her head, and looked wistful.

“You have to do what is right,” he said. “You’ll feel better that way.”

She nodded again.

The month passed quickly.

Two days before Valentine’s Day when the month would be up, John answered the phone to a woman’s voice with a Dutch accent.

“May I speak with Mevrouw Klinsman, please?”

John called Claire to the phone.

“Hello?” She looked puzzled for a moment then John could see she understood who was calling. The conversation then continued in Dutch. John was surprised at first then realised Claire had been living in the Netherlands for many years.

She put the phone down and turned to John.

“That was his psychiatrist,” she said with surprise. “He actually went to a real psychiatrist! She reckons he’ll need a good few more sessions, but thinks it’s worth me going back and living with him, as long as I realise his insecurity is very deep. I should know that he will lapse from time to time, and I need to realise and accept that. She said it’s a little like a phobia.

“I said that as long as he was getting help and could appreciate when he failed, I could cope with that, and she said she thought that would work. She wanted to do some behavioural therapy exposing him to situations when he has to trust me. I think she called it graduated exposure. Putting him in situations when he had to trust me.

“I said I thought I was doing that being here, but she said it needs to be very gradual. So it seems I’ve been getting it wrong! Far too heavy handed!”

“No,” said John, “You’ve needed a break from an oppressive situation as well, it’s not all about him, but I can see her point. You did rather drop him in it, but you were at the end of your rope!”

Once again they laughed. Then she became serious.

“John,” she said with a frown, “I’ve got to go back. Perhaps there’s a chance...”

Even though he had been expecting it for a month, the present reality came with some power, and his face showed it.

“Oh, John,” she cried, “I’m so sorry! You’ve been so good to me, and now I’m leaving you in the lurch.”

John smiled wryly. “Claire, dear, I think we always knew it would be like this. I’ll survive. Sooner or later I have to get used to being alone. Your company has healed me of the worst of my bereavement. We all have to face things we don’t like. It’s been a privilege and a gift to have you here. Don’t feel bad.”

Claire hugged him, and as she had a month before, kissed him like a lover, and he kissed her back. Then they looked at each other trying to read each other’s reaction. Then at the same time, they laughed.

“John, I think we were entitled to that,” she said, with an invitation in her voice for him to agree.

“It expresses how we feel,” he answered. “It’s honest. Now let’s get you booked on a flight and get you packed.”

They managed to book her on a flight on Valentine’s Day, and she phoned Peter to tell him when the flight would arrive.

“You’re coming home?” he asked unbelievingly. “Really?”

“Yes Peter my love, really. I told you I would if you got help, and you have. Now we both work on it, this time with professional help.”

“I’ll pick you up at the airport,” he said, the difference between this time and the last being obvious to both.

“Thanks.”

That ended the call, and John who was sitting opposite her, looked surprised.

“What is it John?” she asked.

“No, nothing,” he replied, and she could see the evasion.

“John, come on,” she begged, “be open with me. I need you to do that.”

He clearly did not want to say it, but she gazed at him until he shrugged and spoke.

“I heard, ‘thanks’, then you disconnected,” he said, and let it lie.

She wondered for a moment and then got it.

“Yes, I understand,” she admitted. “No farewell words of love.”

He nodded, but he knew she would see he was not asking for an explanation. He had acceded to her demand to be open, and no more. However, she could not leave it there, she felt she owed it to him.

“When I said thanks, I waited for him to say something. He disconnected first.”

She shrugged.

John nodded and that was the end of it.

The day before she left was Sunday and after Mass they cooked a Sunday lunch together as they had become accustomed to doing, enjoying it as a couple. In the afternoon Catherine and then Clare came to visit, having heard that Claire was going home the next day. They stayed for afternoon tea.

Ellen rang in the evening.

“Sister darling,” she said cheerfully, “Simon has talked some sense into me I think. I really admire what you’re doing, your commitment to Peter, everything. I really hope it all works out for you. Come over and see us some more though, won’t you?”

“Thanks Ellen, that means a lot to me. Personally I don’t always feel all that hopeful, but he is trying, and the psychiatrist sounds confident and wants to build up his trust gradually. I’m not convinced Peter believes that John and I have been platonic all this time, and that’s a deal breaker for me. If he doesn’t believe in me and my commitment to him, we won’t be able to begin getting closer again.”

“I’m so relieved to hear that, Sis, I thought you were being unrealistic, but you’re not, are you? Good luck, we’ll be praying for you!”

They signed off with words of love and Claire looked bleakly at John.

“I hope I’m doing the right thing, John,” she said, “not just prolonging the agony.”

“Claire, love,” he said reassuringly, “if you don’t do it you’ll always regret you didn’t give the marriage every possible chance. If it’s a failure, you haven’t lost anything, have you? And if it’s a success you’ll feel it was well worth it, and be glad you were committed and faithful.”