Chapter 9

When we arrived at our home, we were greeted by mom. She took one look at us as we got out of the car and her smile morphed into a frown. Maybe we should have checked our appearance. To mom, it was fairly obvious that there was something wrong. At least she let us get home first before she interrogated us.

We had been home for about 15 minutes when mom knocked on my door and told us to come to the living room. The three of us were discussing how to handle our parents when mom made her appearance. We did not have a plan yet.

When we entered the room mom and dad were sitting on a blanket on the floor. Both of them had a concerned look on their faces. In front of them was a tray with tea and some cookies. Mom gestured for us to sit down on the floor too. They had cleared enough space and put down another blanket for the three of us to sit comfortably.

Sarah had me sit down first. Heather sat on my right side and Sarah on my left. As I sat between the girls Indian style, Heather folded her left leg under herself and Sarah her right. That way both of them were able to lean into me. Each took one of my hands in their own. All in all the positioning and symbolism of it should have been a surprise for our parents. Mom just gave me a tentative smile, while dad’s expression remained one of concern.

Nobody of us knew how to start this particular conversation. Maybe some of you already guessed it, Sarah was the one to start talking.

“Mom, dad we need to apologize for lying to you,” she said quietly, “we needed to make this trip today, but not for the reason we gave you.”

Mom lay a hand on dad’s leg. “Would you care to explain a bit more?” she said. There was tension in her voice. She looked nervous. Her hand on dad’s thigh did not seem to be a way to keep him calm, but to provide safety for her.

“We visited Heather’s sister at the college, just as we had told you was the plan. But we were not there to see the college or get any information about courses or careers or college life. We needed to talk with Harmony personally,” Sarah grew silent, obviously being at a loss. She did not know how to go on, how to broach the reason for our visit.

“It’s because of my situation at home,” Heather picked up the narration after several moments, “There are some problems that we hoped she could help us with.” Now it was Heather’s turn to stall.

“What kind of trouble do you have at home?” Mom asked her. She was obviously the spokesperson of our parents.

Heather’s grip on my hand tightened and I could feel her trembling. The last few days had been hard for her, she was exhausted emotionally. I was torn. I simultaneously wanted to keep hold of her hand and pull her into a hug. In the end, I did not move, trying to send her my support through our hands, giving her a reassuring squeeze.

“It’s bad.” I heard myself say. It was like someone else was talking through me. I had no control at all. I laid it all out for them. I told them about Heather’s situation at home, about how it had been for Harmony before her, about Judge Whitefield, about the group, the activities at those get-togethers, about her mom, our meeting with Harmony, about the video and even about Heather’s idea to record her father raping her.

Did I stop there? Nope. Once I started spilling the beans, experiencing the cleansing effect it had on me, I continued to tell my parents all about the last few days, everything that had happened. From there I continued to tell them about my love for my little sister, how I had tried to resist, to pull back. I described in detail how it had been eating me from the inside. In the end, they knew why I had tried to kill myself. Until then, Heather had known the most about it. As I held nothing back, all four got the full picture with all the pain, self-loathing, self-disgust, guilt and hopelessness.

I do not remember much, except me telling everything. If they asked questions or even said anything at all, I have no idea. When I was finished, I was crying like a baby. Heather and Sarah were on their knees, hugging me with all their strength. My parents sat across from us, mom holding onto dad. Both of them were crying. There was a sadness in our mother’s eyes that threatened to break my heart. Was it too much for them? Would they force Sarah and me apart?

Despite my insecurity and fear, I felt calm. The combination was somehow strange. Being able to bare my soul to my family enabled me to better understand myself. When I had let go of all those negative feelings that were connected to my relationship with my sister, I was able to focus on the important things.

I slowly turned to my left. Sarah raised her head to look at me. She was crying. Her face was a mixture of emotions.

“I love you,” I silently told her, “I will always love you.” Then I softly kissed her on the lips. It was just a sweet and loving kiss.

After that, I turned to my right. Heather was looking at me. Despite the tears in her eyes, she was smiling.

“I love you,” I repeated what I had already said to my sister, “I will always be there for you, no matter what.”

My plan was to give Heather the same sort of a kiss that Sarah had received from me. Heather had other plans. She threw herself at me and kissed me as if her life depended on it. She even managed to tip me to my left side. We ended up as a tangled mess with Sarah underneath me and Heather on top.