Chapter 12

We all agreed that to be able to pursue it further, we needed to find someone we could trust. We needed to protect the girls and our family. And we needed to make sure that our evidence was safe. That was going to be easy.

As far as I was concerned, the safety of all of us was the most important aspect. That included not letting Heather go home, ever again. I could not live with myself if something happened to her. It was bad enough that I had already let her go back home more than once, knowing what was waiting for her. That was something that I would not allow to happen ever again. She had had to endure so much pain from her father. What would happen to her, if we piled even more on top of that? How much of her would be left at the end?

We argued about that a lot. My outright refusal to let her go home was met with several different responses. While Sarah was on my side, offering to share her room, my parents were torn between the need to protect her and the reality of the situation. Jack and Jim were putting out argument after argument, all in the futile attempt to convince us to let Heather go home, and not just today but until we had a workable plan. Revealing our hand too fast would just alert the judge and enable him to protect himself. None of us knew what he was capable of.

I was torn and did not know what to do. How could we even talk about sending Heather back to her rapist? But we had done exactly that before. Cruel as it sounded, Heather was used to it. Was that any kind of justification? Were we any better than him? Was the possibility to collect more evidence for our case worth the cost? My answer to all those questions was negative.

The crazy thing about this whole situation was that it was my fault. How could it be possibly my fault? You are asking. Well, if I were not a fucking pervert, I would not have tried to kill myself, gotten a connection with Heather, prevented her from killing herself and got my family involved in this mess.

We started losing our parents to Jack and Jim. They just had the better arguments, more logical and less emotional. Desperation settled in. I was just fooling myself. We would not be able to protect Heather.

In the middle of another heated exchange, Sarah left the room. She was gone for several minutes. Although Heather sat right beside me, I felt alone in my effort to keep her safe. She was resigned to her fate. We had given her hope. Therefore she was willing to endure whatever it might take. Heather was planning for the long run, obviously sure that it would be worth it in the end.

Throughout the meeting, Heather had been looking at me every once in a while. The intensity of her look had grown each time. When she looked at me at that moment, her eyes seemed to burn me. I needed to protect her, to protect Sarah and the rest of my family. As I told you before, I knew that I was not a fighter, and I never would be. That did not mean that I could not be pushed to my limit. It was not a question if I would snap, but when. The time had come.

When I jumped to my feet, my whole being seemed to be burning with anger. It was directed at Jack, Jim, my parents, Heather and especially me.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I yelled. “How can you even think about sending her back? She was already planning to kill herself. Do you have any idea how much pain and despair and hopelessness it takes to plan your own death? I don’t even know how I’m going to live with myself after having sent her home before, despite knowing what was waiting for her.” The energy was draining fast from my body. I saw Sarah standing in the doorframe, watching me, tears dropping from her eyes. “Heather, I’m so ashamed. It’s eating me from the inside. How could I do this to you?” I reached inside my pants pocket, feeling the round I had put in it earlier when my father had caught me at his gun safe. He had not checked it but had just closed and locked it. If he had noticed the missing gun, we would be having a totally different discussion. “I will make this right. You will never have to go back to him. I promise to protect you. I failed to do that in the past, but I will never fail again.” When I was finished, I simply walked out of the room, right past my sister, who looked at me strangely. Nobody followed me. I closed the door of my room behind me.

What was I going to do? I had had just enough time to hide one of dad’s guns. I did not know if there were any rounds in the magazine and I had taken only the one round that was lying around as if it had fallen down. Was it even the right type for the gun I had taken?

Every time I thought about Heather going home, my chest tightened. It was hard to breathe. Did I really love her? I had no idea. I cared for her. But it was nowhere near to my feelings for Sarah.

I needed to make a plan. The first step was to retrieve the gun and check for ammunition. Even if I had everything I needed, I would still need to get near the judge to shoot him. Would I be able to take another life, to kill another human being, even as evil as the judge was in my mind? How should I know? There was only one way to find out. I needed to have him at gunpoint. Then I would know if I was able to pull the trigger.

All the while I was playing with the bullet in my hands. I formed a gun with my hand, pointing my index finger at the judge. My thumb was standing upwards in this universal gesture. I lowered it slowly until it was parallel to my finger. Then I laid the bullet in the crease between them, imagining it to be the one I would put between his eyes. I used my middle finger to pull the trigger. My mind conjured images from Full Metal Jacket. You may remember the scene in which Leonard kills himself in the bathroom. I imagined Heather’s dad, whom I had never seen before, but I imagined him alright, and saw his brains and blood splatter to the wall behind him.

That is when it came to me. I would just let them convince me to let Heather go home. But I would only do that on the condition that I would get to bring her home. That would provide the opportunity for me to have a face to face situation with her father. Then I would just have to kill him.

How was I going to convince the others to let me accompany Heather on her way home? No, that needed to be the second problem to be solved. First I had to get the gun and check for bullets. I left my room and silently approached the living room. They were all inside, discussing how to approach the situation. It felt like I was a secret agent on a mission in enemy territory. Stupid, I know, but it kept my mind focused on the task.