Chapter 03 - Quid Pro Quo

Monday 26th June

“And what are you two planning on getting up to today?” Mum asked as Monday morning and breakfast rolled around, the second close on the heels of the first. Dressed in her ‘work wear’ of a dark grey trouser suit and white blouse, she was standing by her espresso maker, waiting for it to complete its magic. A gift for her fortieth, it was one of those professional machines that was plumbed into the water supply, had a hopper where the beans were added, and when she pressed the ‘go’ button it did everything else. It was very impressive. Mum loved it. Dad had earned some serious Brownie points when she’d got home from work to find that in the kitchen. Her scream nearly did for the windows!

“Oh, not much, I guess,” Stef grumped, obviously unhappy that the Welsh summer had decided on a torrential interlude. Back from her bike ride, showered, and dressed in an oversized tee the colour of a pastel honeydew melon and the contents of which I was working hard not to think about, she was slowly making her way through her bowl of muesli, today adulterated with blueberries. If it was blueberries, it was serious. Bananas were her daily adulteration, and blueberries were when she needed that little extra something.

I couldn’t blame her for being unhappy.

With grey skies trying to deposit a reservoir or two of water on our town, there was no way there would be any sunbathing today; wetsuits looked much more like the clothing of the day for anyone who wanted to go outside. In a way, that was oddly okay with me. For sure I’d be more than happy to enjoy Stef’s naked sunbathing confusing though that was, but I was still a bit mixed up about the photos she’d sent me last night, and what it all meant. In just a couple of days I’d gone from trying to peek at her boobs and seeing nothing, to her flashing me to her sending me ‘full frontal selfies’ and it was taking some getting my head around.

“Well just remember, you’re in charge, Stef,” Mum said, Stef The Elder being always left in authority over me even though we were only ten month apart. Just. I’d never been able to figure out what it was Mum thought I wanted to do that Stef wouldn’t also want to do. Parents are not normal.

“Cool! So can I play girlie things with him?” Stef teased as she looked up from her breakfast and mimed painting her nails, or was that my nails?!

I shuddered for effect.

Mum looked from Stef to me and back to Stef again. “I don’t see any reason why not, Honey, just try not to break him,” she teased right back, leaving me suitably aghast and Stef with a menacing grin as she drank up the last of her coffee, said her goodbyes to us, and was gone, leaving me to Stef’s tender mercies until someone came along to save me, a rescue that wouldn’t take place until 6pm at the earliest.

Before Stef could get into character as the familial dictator there was still something I had to get clarification on though. “Stef, uhm, what’s with that photo you sent me last night?”

“Oh that?” she chuckled, knowing exactly which photo I meant. “It was just a little reward after I kind of took over your shopping trip. I guessed how much you’d enjoyed seeing the photos of me in my skimpies, so I thought I’d take a few more for, erm, whatever. Anyway, when I went to bed last night I thought I’d send one of those too. Why? Didn’t you enjoy it?” she asked, her arched eyebrow and accompanying smirk indicating she already knew that I had. Stef’s eyebrows could say more than anyone else’s I knew.

“Uhm,” I said as I felt the blush consume me. “I’d rather not say–”

“Oh go on, Luke,” Stef gushed, her face a study in how to tease a younger brother to the greatest effect. “Tell me everything,” she gasped like some character from a terrible melodrama as she made a steeple of her arms and rested her head on her hands as she eagerly waited.

For a moment I considered ... how far should I go in telling her the truth? If she already knew what I would have done after seeing her naked selfie – and it seemed she did – then what was I holding back for? After all, I couldn’t have been protecting her from anything she hadn’t already imagined or thought I would’ve done, so if I wasn’t protecting her from me, somehow, then why not give her the gory details?

With as much determination as I could muster, which wasn’t much given what I was about to confess to, to my sister, I looked Stef squarely in the eye. “Okay. You really want to know? Really? Okay, Stef, then yes, I enjoyed seeing you naked, fully naked, a lot. Even though it was a selfie in the changing room mirror, you looked hot, and I was still thinking of how hot you looked in that photo when I came. Big time. That the kind of detail you were looking for, Sis?” I asked, not angry with her for asking, but frustrated that I didn’t know what was going on here and what I should or shouldn’t do. Somehow, I desperately hoped that if I told her the full and unsubtle truth, she would be shamed or embarrassed or something, and she’d drop the subject. Sneaking a peek was one thing, getting flashed at was kinda the same thing, too, I guess, but being sent a naked selfie? That was just too much. Wasn’t it?

So telling her the full and shocking truth of what happened next after she sent me that photo? That had to be the end of it, didn’t it?

Ha!

It’s amazing how neatly I had encapsulated everything I knew about women, and especially everything I knew about my sister, in one tiny moment, and quite how wrong about pretty much all of it I’d been.

As I was about to learn.

“Wait ... you really, I mean really did ... that?” Stef asked. For all the world she seemed genuinely impressed and surprised, though whether that was because of my confession or the content of my confession, I couldn’t tell.

Unable to come with any better response, I nodded. Yes, I had done exactly what I said I’d done.

“And you were thinking of me ... and you came ... thinking of me?” Stef asked. She sounded like she couldn’t quite believe it, like she’d asked for something really way too much for her birthday, and then got it.

I nodded again. By now, my bravado at having declared in detail ‘what happened next’ had worn off, and in its place was an ever tighteningly feeling of acute embarrassment. I was talking to my sister and telling my sister I had been masturbating as I thought of how my sister looked in her naked selfie. I’m not sure quite how flushed I was at that exact moment, but from the feel of heat coming from my face I was fairly confident that eggs could have been fried without too much difficulty.

“That’s sooo cool, Luke,” Stef said, clearly rapt to learn what had happened.

“Uhm, cool, Sis?” I asked, unable to fathom what she meant.

“Uh-huh. It’s cool, Luke. It’s really cool. Wow. That’s just, that’s just sooo cool, Babes,” she babbled.

“It is?” I asked slowly, hesitantly, cautiously, like someone trying not to run away from a bomb but walking away really quickly all the same. Worse, though, was the question of why was I asking her to explain it to me more? Wasn’t it bad enough already?

It seemed not.

Stef nodded. “Okay then, Luke. You tell me. Say some girl said you were hot and then say she’d told you she’d done the ‘two-finger tango’ while she’d been thinking of you, nude, how would you feel?”

“Uhm, I hadn’t thought of it that way,” I said, not having ever heard of the ‘two-finger tango’, but some things kind of explain themselves. I only wish Stef did.

“Oh-kay. So, think of it that way for me now, Babes. How would you feel if some hot girl, who had the hots for you, who thought you were hot, got herself all hot and sweaty thinking about your hotnessness? Would you be offended? Nu-huh. Would you be shocked that she’d done that and told you she had? Maybe, I guess; maybe a little. Buut, maybe you would be kind of proud, proud that someone had found you so... ‘inspiring’ ... that they had had an intense sexual experience because of you? Because of you!

“Soo, Little Brother, when you tell me that you were thinking of me when you were, erm, okay, let’s call it doing the ‘five finger fandango’ well it’s like this. First, it makes me feel proud and tingly that you got what you got from that photo of me. Second, it makes me more confident in how I am as a woman. Third, it just makes me happy that you got happy. Fourth, I’m so happy that we’re able to talk like this. Yes, I know you’re redder than the Welsh dragon but we are talking about it. Fifth, I’m glad you’re honest with me about it, telling me what you’d done, even if you were a bit light on the details I wanted. Sixth, I’m glad I got over my nervousness and sent you that photo, because taking it was intense enough, but deciding to go ahead and send it, especially when I had a fairly good idea what would happen next? Worse than exams, Babes. Oh, also, erm ... well, it’s a bit frustrating for me, too,” she said, her last reason sounding oddly uncomfortable, like she’d started talking and not been able to stop herself admitting ... something.

I sat back, stunned. “Wow, Sis. That was a list to be proud of,” I said, and it had been a lot; it was going to take a lot of processing. I had the sense she’d said something important, and that I’d missed it, but as I tried to replay her words in my mind, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Too dense, either me or her words or probably both.

Stef nodded thoughtfully. “Yeah, it was quite a list, wasn’t it,” she said, her voice heavy with a little exhaustion of her own. I really don’t think she’d intended to go into the detail she had; it was impressive how she’d kept score.

In that moment of silence I finally finished replaying her words over in my head and I thought I’d found what I’d missed the first time through. “There’s just one thing I don’t understand though, Sis. Two things, actually. To copy you and your listing, first off, Sis, I don’t get how on Earth we’re sitting here, having this conversation...”

Stef shrugged. “I wish I knew, Babes. All I can tell you is that it feels like something we can do without either of us going mad or something. You’re not going mad, or something, are you?”

I shook my head. “Not that I can tell, but in two days you’ve flashed me your boobs, sent me naked photos, and we’re talking about me wanking as I look at photos of you naked, so maybe this is some kind of hallucination?”

Stef smiled as she reached over the table for my hand. “If it is, Babes, it’s a shared hallucination.”

I looked down at her hand where it held mine, and that felt as natural as us suddenly being so open and calm to talk about wanking. I’d no idea what was going on, but whatever it was, it felt like it was a good thing. Somehow.

“Oh-kay, Sis. Leaving that for another day when I’ve any idea about anything, uhm, you said telling me all of that was ‘frustrating’ for you? Why so?” I asked.

“Ah,” Stef said as she suddenly flushed as red as I’d ever seen her. More. It was more like paint than skintone.

“Whoa! You, uhm, want to tell me what just happened?” I asked, not at all clear how my question had somehow resulted in such a response.

Stef took a deep breath as she psyched herself up. “It’s ... oh God. I never thought I’d be saying this to you. Ever. At all. But after you actually told me that - and I didn’t think you were going to - I guess we’re kind of here now, aren’t we, and I kind of owe you my being honest, too. So, erm, it’s like this, Babes, it’s all that other stuff I said, but it’s also a bit frustrating for me ... because I wish I’d been there ... to see ... erm ... you know,” she said, her voice increasingly quiet and anxious.

“You, uhm ... what?!” I asked, not quite able to believe what I was hearing. Had she just said she wanted to see me wank? Should couldn’t have? And I’d just asked her to repeat herself, to confirm it! Call it an attack of insanity.

Stef sighed deeply. “You’re going make me repeat myself?” Stef pleaded as she paused a moment, girding herself before she continued. “Oh-kay, mister. So. Next time you do... that ... could I see? Watch, I mean. Now that you’ve seen all there is of me in a photo, maybe if I could just sit there nude for you, you could look at me, and I could, erm, well, I could see...” Stef said as her voice trailed away to nothing, her expressive eyebrow surrendering to her more expressively bitten bottom lip. This wasn’t bitten the sexy way, but in the ‘oh God I’ve gone too far’ way.

She really did want to watch me!

Oh. My. God.

My sister wanted to sit there naked and watch me wank as I look at her!

I, I took a breath.

Just as I’d been about to explode at her in shock and outrage, I looked up and saw her expression, and I knew I couldn’t do that; it would be the worst thing I could do. For all the talk of us being suddenly and utterly open and honest with each other, especially about things like this, it was clear as day that she’d been afraid to say what she’d just said, that it had taken all her courage to say it, and now she was afraid of how I would react. She’d risked everything, and now she thought I’d explode at her.

I just couldn’t.

There was no way I could unload on her like that, especially not now.

Instead, as calmly as I was able, I said, “Come on Stef. Really? You want to be there, naked, and watch as I ... no. No. You’re my sister and you want to sit there, naked, watching me wank? Uhm, sorry and all that, but there’s no way you’re serious, really, is there?”

Stef’s expression grew a little more determined as she locked eyes with me. “Sorry, Luke, but, erm, the things is, actually I am. Serious.”

“But you can’t–”

“–can’t what?” she interrupted. “Can’t be curious? To want to see that? Maybe even to find out if I like seeing that, that it arouses me? Or do we mean we can’t want to do this because we’re siblings? Which ‘can’t’ do you mean, Luke, ‘cause there’s more if you need them.”

“But we’re brother and sister, Stef! That means there’s all kinds of things we can’t do, and that’s one of them,” I insisted.

“Oh? I’m not looking to fight you on this, Luke, but did our being brother and sister stop us when we got ‘curious’? Did it stop you being the doctor and me being the patient? More than once! Did it stop you being the patient and me being the nurse? Again, more than once.

“No. It’s just, now, now we’re older and adults and not kids anymore, now is when it matters?” she asked, it being clear that she felt it didn’t matter.

How could she think that? “Of course it matters!”

“Does it, Luke? Does it really?” she asked. “First, when we were ‘little’ and looked at each other, that was okay, because we were little? Okay. Now we’re older and we understand better, if we still want to satisfy our natural curiosity, now it’s somehow not okay? Really? What’s worse, Luke, you seeing my nude adult body, or looking at another girl, a girl who might not be as happy to ‘flash the flesh’ as I am? And what about me? There’s a whole load of stuff I don’t know and I’ve never done and I’m fed up with that, Luke. Would it be better if I were to let some random jerk get his hands on me, get me to let him do things, let him get me to do things for him, just so I could find out things I don’t know? That’s better, is it? I don’t want to be the cat that curiosity killed, Luke!”

Wow!

I sat there a moment, stunned by the force of her words.

Hard as it was to admit, she had a point. A good one. Several of them, and I felt if I asked, there’d be more. Plenty more.

“I’m not saying that, Sis. I’d never want you doing ... whatever for the sake of curiosity, and when you put it that way, well, I guess then it doesn’t sound so bad,” I said. She she was right. When she put it that way, what was so bad about exploring a little with each other? Did that make it better to experiment with each other than with someone else, someone who might take us places we weren’t yet ready to go? I felt like as her brother I should be answering ‘no’, but when you took that out of equation, or even not, it began to feel like the real answer was ‘maybe’ or even ‘yes’.

Stef smiled, her first for a while, I realised. This was serious and real and she was really going out on the ledge for a lot of things all at once with me, trusting I’d not push her off. “So, if we were best friends – I know we are best friends, but you know what I mean – and one of us asked the other about this, we’d talk about it, we’d think about it, and then if we were both happy, we’d do it. Right?” she asked. I nodded, so she continued. “But you’re worried, and I get it, but you’re worried about the whole incest thing, and I know you are because I am too. But here’s the thing. Luke ... I don’t think incest is always a bad thing – no. Wait. Listen a minute. If we keep calling whatever you and me might do as ‘incest’ then we’re never going to get anywhere because it’s a word that’s got way too much going on with it to be any use. One mention of the word ‘incest’ and we both start imagining two-headed babies with x-ray vision and I don’t know what kind of nonsense, or real babies with serious problems, but that’s not us. We’re also not the bad thing of one family member forcing another family member, whether they’re happy or not to do the thing in question. What we’re doing, well, I don’t think it’s ‘incest’ because it’s not that kind of incest. It’s ... I don’t know! I don’t know what to call it, but calling it that isn’t helping as we’re not doing those things anyway.

“Does that even make sense?” Stef asked.

It did.

If we kept on calling it ‘incest’ that wasn’t helping and wasn’t what we were talking about anyway. To be honest, I wasn’t all that clear what we were talking about, but it wasn’t any kind of ‘incest’ I’d ever heard of, just some slightly ‘adventurous’ stuff between a brother and his sister.

I nodded slowly. “I’m still not sure how I feel about all of this, Sis, and I’m not saying I agree or disagree with you, but yeah, I see what you’re saying.”

“Oh thank God,” she sighed. “Plus, I think we’re probably way over-thinking this. Seriously, Luke, all it is is this. You wank. You wank thinking of me nude. I’ve never seen a guy wank. I’ve never even seen a guy’s cock. If you are happy with the idea, then I’d like to see it sometime. Both things. Doesn’t have to be today. Just sometime. When you’re ready. If you’re ready. If you’re not ready now, fine. If you’re not ready for a while, fine. If you’re never ready, that’s fine too. All I’m saying is this, I’d like to see, and I’d like to see you, but only if you’re okay with it. Don’t do it for me, don’t do it to make me feel better or feel happy or anything like that, just do it because you want to, because it feels okay.

“Right, last thing, I promise, then we can get on with something today. I know my answer, but I want to hear yours, your honest answer, and again, if you need to think it through, you can, buuut, putting all the brother/sister stuff aside, does any of what we’ve done feel wrong to you?

“Okay, Babes, I’m done. I need a drink. Your turn to speak,” Stef said as she concluded with a smile, weak, maybe, but still a smile.

“Uhm, I don’t know how to answer all of that,” I said as I watched Stef get up and make herself an espresso from Mum’s machine. It didn’t help that I watched her bum the whole time, or that I kept wondering if she was naked underneath her tee.

“Luke? You’re looking at my bum as I make this coffee?” she asked without turning round.

How did she know?

Oh yeah, teen-aged boy and sexy teen-aged girl. Duh!

“Uhm, yeah...” I confessed.

“You wondering what’s underneath this T?”

“Uhm, yeah...” I admitted.

“Good.”

“Good?”

“Uh-huh, good, because if you’re thinking about what’s under this T, then does that start to give you some ideas how you feel about... ‘this’?” she asked as she turned round, cup in hand, and inhaled the aroma of Lavazza Crema E Aroma Espresso Coffee Beans, Mum’s choice of the month. Again.

“Uhm, I think so, yeah,” I said as I paused and waited for Stef to sit back down at the table.

“Sooo talk,” she said.

“Okay, Sis. The brother/sister thing? It is a thing and we can’t pretend it’s not a thing, but it didn’t stop us playing Kiddie Hospital like you said, and I think it only feels like a ‘bad’ thing now because I think it should. It’s like you said, though, nothing we’ve done felt bad. Nothing we’ve done would’ve been a problem if we weren’t who we are. And we’ve not really done anything anyway. I’ve seen more of you than I ever imagined I’d ever see, but if we were one of those nudist families, I would have seen more, more often, and from a much younger age, and they don’t have a problem with that, so why should I get all weird about seeing your ... uhm ... seeing you?

“So that’s a thing.

“Then there’s what you also said, about we’ve both got things we want to know about or learn about or experience or whatever, and if we go through that with each other, we know we’re safe, and we can walk away from it and still be brother and sister.

“And honestly, Stef, that’s the one that’s made me stop and think.

“I trust you, and you are trusting me to a stunning degree, and not just about this, but also that I won’t tease you or make fun of you about-”

Stef shook her head as she held up her hand, mid-sip, stopping me. She put her teeny cup back down. “No, Luke. It’s not that I don’t trust you not to tease me about this or use it over me or whatever ... because I just know you won’t. You never were that much of a frawd pla, and when Mum didn’t kill me for flashing you on Saturday, I guessed you’d kept my little secret and said nothing to her, and that meant I could risk being like this with you, telling you what I honestly want to try, and how I’m kind of a bit afraid to try any of it with someone I don’t trust, meaning, by extension, I’m trusting you in a lot of ways. And I was right, wasn’t I?”

“Uhm, thanks?” I said, not quite sure that I was being complimented, but at the same time feeling happy that Stef never had really thought of my as a plaguey brother.

I guess I said the right thing, though, as Stef smiled, so I continued. “Can you let me get a bit used to this though? In just a couple of days, you’ve said you’ve seen me peeking, you’ve said you’re okay with me peeking, you flashed me, you sent me underwear photos, and then you sent me photos of you naked, and now you’re asking to be there and watch me, uhm, wank myself? That’s a lot, Stef, it’s a lot and it’s quick, and I’m a bit worried about saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing and causing a mess.”

Stef smiled at me, the eyebrow adding its assent. “You know, that’s actually rather mature of you,” she said.

“Uhm, thanks, again?” I said uncertainly.

“You’re welcome,” Stef smiled and took up her coffee once more.

“So, uhm, can we take it, whatever it is, slow?” I asked.

Stef smiled. “Of course we can, Luke. Like I said, it can be not today, not this week, maybe never. If you’re not happy with doing what I’m asking, then we forget it and get on with the rest of the summer, okay?”

“Okay, but there’s something I want to ask, though and it’s kind of personal.”

“Luke, all of this is personal, but fair’s fair; what’s your question?”

“Okay, so I get what you’ve said about trusting me, but instead of us,” I said as I waved my arms airily around for emphasis. “Why don’t you just find a boyfriend to watch him do that kinda thing for you?”

Stef sighed as she put her cup down, clinking a little heavily as she smiled at her own clumsiness and edged it away from here a little. “I’m not really looking for one.”

“Why not?”

Stef laughed hollowly. “Life’s so simple?”

“Life’s so complicated?” I asked, smiling to let her know yes, I was teasing, but nicely.

“Touché. Any-way, I don’t have a boyfriend because I can’t find one who wants more than just someone to fuck. I’m sorry to be the one to break the news, Luke, but a lot of boys our age and older can’t think about anything but sex. I know, I know, evolution programs them that way, but that doesn’t make them attractive, just, haha, just stuck in the past. So you see, I’m kind of stuck too. On the one hand I feel like I should know and be doing a lot more ... stuff ... but there’s no-one I feel I can trust with this, no-one except you.”

“It’s that bad?” I asked, surprised to hear that the options for her were, well, not options at all.

Stef nodded and sat back on her seat, lost in thought for a while.

For once I had the sense not to fill the silence with inanity, to say something dumb like ‘oh that’s why so-and-so never got another date’. She’d dated a little, but nobody I’d seen get a second date, and a couple of times she’d spent a lot of time talking to Mum afterwards. Now I knew why.

When Stef spoke again, I had the sense she was forming her world with her words. “You know, it’s odd. Oh, I’d seen you trying to peek, and you were so careful and stuff it was, well it was sweet really. You were just being curious about a grown woman’s body I guess – hey! have you peeked Mum too? Tell me later! Doesn’t matter – and I was the closest to you, but you passed up so many chances because you didn’t want me to know and get cross or angry or frustrated. Luke, that’s more than people on the bus do, they just see a woman and want to look at, well, not ‘me’ but at ‘mine’. And then you, you passed up chances because you were worried about me catching you and getting pissed at you.” Stef shook her head. “You know, once I realised what you were doing, actually what you were not doing, well, I already loved you, but for that I loved you a little bit more.”

“Uh, wow? But, uhm, you loved me for trying to catch sight of your ... uhm, of you?” I asked, confused how two plus two didn’t come to a severe beating, not that we’d ever fought, really, but Tom and Jerry was a thing in our home growing up.

Stef smiled as she shook her head indulgently. “No, Luke, I loved you for the way you did it, thinking of me, not just you’re getting a look at my tits.”

“Wow, I guess ... yeah. I hadn’t thought of it like that, I was just trying not to be a jerk about it and not to piss you off, satisfy my curiosity about things I’ve not seen so, yeah, I guess I was thinking more about you, even though I was doing it for me. Does that even make sense?”

Stef smiled. “Yes, Luke, it does. You were thinking of me, the way you’re always thinking of me, like how you don’t make fun of me when I get a spot, you don’t tease me about those jerks who’ve wanted to date me, even ... haha, Luke when you go pee in the middle of the night you even do it in the dark so that the light won’t come on and wake me. Luke, you’re always thinking of me, even when you don’t need to, and it’s those times, when you don’t need you, that I love you the most, Little Brother.”

“Wow.”

Stef smiled and continued. “Any-way, like I was saying, I’ve tried to make it easier for you to get a glimpse of me, because I love you and I love how you try to be so careful, and really, it’s not that big a thing in the scheme of things, is it? Well, they’re not that big, so it can’t be a big thing, can it, haha. But there was something about Saturday in the garden that made me think more about what I had already been doing, how I could do more for you, how much it would mean for you, that it would be fun to do it like that, and that because it was a special something just between us two, that it was okay to do it ... and so I did it.”

“Yeah, and burned the image onto my eyes for the rest of my life.”

Stef laughed. “Oh Luke, you’ve no idea how nervous I was, my hands were shaking, but I was determined, and then when I thought you were going to back down, when I thought I’d lost my chance to dare myself to go a little bit further, that’s when I had to do it, and so I did. So, everyone’s a winner,” she said, smiling.

“Okay, I can just about follow that train of thought, but what about last night’s photos then, what was that all about?”

Stef shrugged. “Same thing, really. Felt like a fun thing to do, felt like it was okay to do that with you, and so I did it. But you know what? I kinda feel guilty about teasing you about the whole sock thing.”

“How did you know, about the socks?” I asked, blushing furiously.

“Oh Luke, that’s the thing – I didn’t! It’s the joke at school with the girls that boys your age love using socks for ... erm, for that.”