Chapter 10: Testing Days

Piper Embrie stared into the mirror and didn’t quite recognize her face. She’d been doing exactly as he said for the past two days. Every waking moment not at school she spent listening to herself masturbating or other sex stuff. She never wore bras anymore. That’d finally started getting some whispers and even Jake asked about it. She tried to play it off as a feminist thing which threw him for a loop. Mostly the other boys were talking about how she looked like a slut these days. Sarah supported her new initiative, but not enough to join her.

She sleep walked through the past two days of tests unable to focus. Thankfully, she hadn’t had to touch herself the past two nights.

Instead she had lain in bed whispering to herself telling herself she was a whore, a slut, a cocksucker, and all sorts of other things. They were just words and if it meant she wasn’t going to any more parties or taking any drugs or even forced to think about her father, what was a little chanting to do.

She looked at the razor blade in her hands. It was strange how it had these straight striations in it. She’d never looked closely at a razor blade before. It wasn’t something she thought of for anything but shaving.

Piper looked into her sunken eyes and felt strangely satisfied that she’d followed all his orders. It didn’t make sense. After all, his few words of praise didn’t mean anything to her. He meant nothing to her, he just told her things and she did them.

She ran the blade along the skin on her inner thigh and revelled in the sensation. She was naked in the bathroom and she should soon be taking a shower. Piper pressed the edge of the blade on her skin just to feel the sharp pressure. It didn’t cut, but it hurt at the edges. With a flick, she slipped it along her skin. The sharp edge sliced clean until it drew a growing line of bright red. It hurt.

She smiled and wondered why it felt so good. In a haze, she pressed it back down again and flicked her wrist. They were just shallow cuts, but they stung. She watched the blood drip down into the toilet paper and breathed heavily.

It was pain. It was her pain. It was her body. It felt good to be.

She took a look in the mirror again at the new words she’d written in the past two days. They didn’t matter. She didn’t matter. She turned on the hot water, flushed the bloody paper down the toilet and got in before she’d leave any more evidence.

Strange as it seemed to her, she felt better after she got out. Not good enough to eat a full meal, but good enough to have a smattering and go to sleep.

On Wednesday she received more of the same orders. It made no sense, why would he care if she listened to stupid sex music. He added an extra order at the end. “Find a boy who isn’t Jake and make out with him. Make sure he gets some deep lingual stimulation. I’m sure you can find a way to be discrete. After all, Jake doesn’t know about your friend Jamal, Han, and Dennis.”

Her head had the same dull throb she’d gotten accustomed to. She walked the halls in a daze before her yearbook final, which wasn’t going to be a major test. It was usually just sit quietly and watch some movie like The Princess Bride or some other old movie. Baxter waved and she thought about pulling him aside and kissing him. But there was no way - he was friends with Conner and Devin which meant that’d definitely get back to Jake.

She stepped outside and found a few people she didn’t know. One of them didn’t look half bad. She decided that he would do for her task.

He wore black baggy jeans and a dumb look on his face.

“Hey, I’m Piper.” she said to him.

“Hey,” he didn’t say much.

His shorter friend snickered.

“Can I borrow you for a second?”She tried to put on her charming smile, but she felt too dazed to get it right. She hoped she could manage.

“What, you need to take a yearbook picture or something?”

“Yeah, it’ll be quick, I promise,” she smiled.

He shrugged, “Sure, what the fuck.”

She only had a few minutes, so she dragged him by the hand in to a stairwell. When they got in, she sounds around and said, “Here.”

“Hey Piper.”

“Yeah?”

“Your nips are pokin’ pretty hardcore.”

She looked down. They were. She’d forgotten she needed to be modest with such a tight shirt. “Yeah well ... you like?” Fuck it, it might just smooth this thing along.

“Wow, you are a weird girl.”

“So, you want to make out?”

“What?” He talked at her, “what are you talking about? Aren’t you dating some football player or some shit?”

Dammit! “No, look just do me a favor and kiss me, okay.” How could she have picked the one high school boy who didn’t want to kiss a cheerleader. She felt a wave of dizziness and fell to his chest.

He caught her in his arms and stood her back up, “Woah, dude, are you okay?”

“Yeah, no, I am fine I am just, kind of tired, look please, can you just?” She looked at him suddenly sad and vulnerable. She felt the raw agony of anxiety and could muster the wherewithal to be seductive.

He glanced around then said, “Fine.” He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers. She tried to give him a good tongue swapping, but he pulled back. “Woah, hey, I don’t know what kind of bet this is, but you got it, you got your kiss, ‘kay?”

She nodded. It felt like the least sexy thing she’d done, but at least she was done.

Piper meandered back to the yearbook room and plopped down at her seat. The room was tilting. A couple people asked if she was alright, but she told them she was fine and everything was okay. She’d be fine now until tomorrow. She just needed to make it through the day and get home. Maybe she’d have to chant some stuff about being nothing or something, but she’d do it and she’d be fine. If only the room would stop spinning.

In the dark of the classroom, Piper decided to get up and go to the bathroom. She made it as far as standing before she blacked out and fell to the ground. Mr. Cox, the yearbook teacher, shot up and told one of the kids to turn the light on. Piper vaguely registered the presence of light, and faces around her. She didn’t quite remember when she got up, but she remembered telling people she was fine. Mr Cox sent her down to the nurse’s office with two students in tow to help make certain she got there safely.

She sat on a paper covered cot while the nurse checked her over. She couldn’t focus on her words too well, but she took the juice box and took some sips.

“When was the last time you ate?”

“I- I don’t remember,” Had it been yesterday? Maybe a snack. She hadn’t eaten much dinner.

“Have you been trying a new diet?”

She shook her head and took a sip. It was grape.

“Piper, can you tell me if you’ve been throwing up lately?”

She looked up at the nurse as she sipped the juice. “You mean, like bulimia?”

“Or maybe if you’ve been ill, either way, I just need to know if you’ve been having troubles with food,” she offered a sad smile. Piper could tell she wanted to put a hand on her shoulder and comfort her. But school policy said she couldn’t do that.

Piper shook her head. “I guess I forgot to eat.”

The nurse looked around. Her badge said Fitterly. Nurse Fitterly slid her wheeled chair over the side and produced a sandwich from her bag. “We don’t need to tell anyone about this but here.” She took half the sandwich and gave it to Piper. It was some kind of nut butter (not peanut) and honey with banana slices. Piper bit into it at her direction.

“Piper? Is there someone I can call to come pick you up?” She waited for Piper to finish her bite.

“Can you get Jake?” Piper’s eyes lit up.

“No, sweetie, I mean is one of your parents home? Can someone come to get you?”

“Oh,” she looked at the sandwich. “My mom’s home. But, I’m fine. I feel better.” She did feel a little better. After all, she was awake.