Chapter 42: Trepidation

Saturday, July 27th, 1996, Sanford Maine

Shit. Why was Linda at Old Man Garth’s again? Surely she still didn’t want to kill herself? Did she? And just how did she manage to escape the police in the first place!? It was a good thing that Julie had spotted her driving out this way and had called to tell me. I had to find her before she did something she’d regret! I cared about her more than she knew!

I pulled my truck up in front of the boarded-up dilapidated old farmhouse, my headlights illuminating the peeling and weathered grey paint. A light fog wafted around in the beams from my headlights. The setting was eerie, and I had a chill run down my spine. It was a bit unsettling being out here all alone at night. I hoped that Linda was around here somewhere and that I didn’t come out to this place for nothing.

I killed the engine and turned my headlights off; the world instantly went dark with only the stars and moonlight providing inadequate illumination. I grabbed the flashlight from my glove compartment and stepped outside, turning it on. An owl hooted in the distance, but that was the only sound I heard—even the crickets were mute.

Now, where was she? Did she really come out here? Or did she go somewhere else? I flashed my beam around, scanning the front yard, the gravel driveway, and the large area to the side of the house. There! Linda’s sports car was parked over next to the barn! So she was here, after all! Thank God! Now I just had to hope that I wasn’t too late if she did have suicide on her mind!

I had to hurry; my guts told me that something was wrong. Was she actually in the barn? Or did she manage to break into the house? I quickly shook my head—it wouldn’t make much sense to park all the way over there only to walk back this way to break in, though, so I’d have to check near her car first.

I swiftly made my way through the tall weeds, trying to be as quiet as I could, my feet splashing through the soggy puddles left by yesterday’s rain. The barn door was ajar. It was just wide enough for me to squeeze through, but then again, it could’ve always been like that.

“Linda! Are you in here? It’s David! I just wanna talk!” I cried out, my tense voice shattering the silence of the night.

Not hearing a response, I shouldered my way between the old weathered barn doors, flashing my light around as I did. It smelled musty, like long ago rotted bales of hay, damp cloth, and wood. Many rusty farm tools hung from the wall to my right—a couple of pitchforks, shovels, and bale hooks gleamed there dully, giving an almost sinister feel. I couldn’t keep my mind from thinking that this would be the perfect setting for a horror movie. It screamed Friday the Thirteenth to me or any horror movie that involved teens in a rural setting.

Great. Now I could picture Jason Vorhees jumping out from behind one of the wooden stalls, machete in hand, just ready to swing and kill me. Cursing myself for even thinking such thoughts, I walked deeper into the barn; she had to be in here somewhere. Moonlight shone through a couple of places where the roof boards had long ago given way, the light mimicking spotlights where they fell upon the litter refused filled floor. I was glad for that; anything that helped my meager flashlight was welcome.

Swinging my beam deeper into the barn, I could see the long-empty horse stalls that lined both sides of a ten-foot-wide aisle. To my left was a large empty area that had probably been used to store a couple of farm vehicles. A rickety-looking wooden staircase about twenty-five feet away ran up the wall to the top level, where I could see some old bales of hay that were still stacked neatly in a pile about as tall as me. Underneath the stairs was a series of shelves built into the wall, they were still holding cobweb-covered mason jars, empty flower pots, and what looked to be a solitary watering can. Other small objects were cluttered there, but I couldn’t make out what they were at a distance.

“David? You shouldn’t be here. Why did you come? Please ... just leave me alone,” Linda replied forlornly. It sounded as if she was standing somewhere up above.

I flashed my light up towards where I’d heard her voice.

“Linda!” I gasped out as soon I saw her.

She was standing on top of one of the main crossbeams that held the barn together. I could see the small step ladder that she must’ve used to get up there leaning against one of the corner posts off to the side near where the bales of hay were piled. She was high above, balancing precariously at least twenty feet higher than where I stood, and she had a noose around her neck. It was tied securely around a smaller beam perpendicular to the one she was standing on, but it was at head height to her and a foot away in front.

“Please! Don’t do it!” I cried out in anguish, my heart beating fearfully in my chest. I couldn’t help but notice that she still had on her blood-splattered t-shirt with her Daisy Duke cut-off jean shorts.

“Why not?” Linda asked morosely. “Life is over for me now, David. I killed my Uncle, and I don’t want to go to jail forever. Besides, I’m worthless to anyone now. I’m damaged goods,” she stated, sounding as if all hope had been drained from her. “Nothing matters anymore. You chose to save CC and left me to my fate,” she accused gently, her tone one of regret and longing. “I waited for you to notice me, David. I really did. I sent you all kinds of signals asking for help. But, unfortunately, you were too distracted by falling in love with your sister to see my need. I so desperately wanted you to rescue me, but in the end, I had to do it myself.”

I looked up at her, the moonlight shining on her like a halo. She looked so beautiful—even within her despair—and my heart panged at the sight of her. I suddenly wanted nothing more than to gather her up into my arms, to hold her tight, and to never let go. I realized right then just how badly I wanted to kiss her, to be with her. A part of me felt guilty because I loved Amber and CC. I knew that I shouldn’t have feelings for Linda also, but shockingly, I discovered that I did. The realization exploded into my brain like a sunburst firework that blazes brightly into the night sky. I mean, I realized that I used to fantasize about her when I masturbated, but I had never considered anything more. Probably because I’d always thought her to be out of my league.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t know! Honest! Come down and talk to me! You don’t have to do this. We all care about you so much, Linda!” I pleaded desperately as I watched her swaying unsteadily atop the beam, her hands stretched out to the sides to help keep her balance.

“It’s too late for me now, David. It’s too late for us. We could’ve been so good together, you know. I used to dream late at night that you were my knight in shining armor, that you were going to show up one night to stop my Uncle from abusing me. Childish fantasies, I guess,” Linda chuckled ruefully, her eyes glinting wetly in the pale light.

“Linda, please...”

“I dreamt that after you saved me that we’d be together as a couple and that you’d turn my nightmare into a fairytale,” Linda went on speaking, ignoring my plea as she smiled down sadly. I could see the tears streaking down her cheeks. Unbidden, I felt my own cheeks get wet in response as well. “I was so jealous when I heard that you’d rescued CC,” she went on, “and had gotten with her instead. Amber ... Amber though ... she was a shock. I must admit ... I never saw that one coming. When I went looking for you two in the forest that day, I never imagined what I’d see ... Whoops!” Linda stammered as she almost lost her balance, her legs wobbling as she slowly steadied herself.

“Linda! I’m coming up!” I cried out in dread as I saw her almost fall from her frightfully high perch.

She looked so lost and frail up there, standing surrounded by the dark, lit up by moonlight—my flashlight adding little to the illumination—the air around her looking vast and distant. Somehow, the barns rafters and roof structure were distorted and seemed much further away than they really were. I dashed towards the wooden staircase, intending to climb up to coax her down.

“No, David!” Linda shouted. “If you step onto those stairs, I’ll jump!” she threatened, sounding serious, forcing me to halt in my tracks.

“Please don’t do this, Linda! I care for you so much. So does my sister and CC. If you kill yourself, you’ll leave a massive hole in our lives. Let us help you!” I pleaded as I stood frozen at the bottom of the steps, not willing to take a chance that she would follow through with her threat. But, at least for now, she was talking.

“Like I said ... it’s too late, David. Tell your sister and CC that I love them. I love you too, David. Please don’t think too badly of me,” Linda begged in a whisper right before taking a step off the ledge.

Time froze for an instant. It seemed as if she hovered in the air for a second. Almost as if her slim curvy body was held suspended within the beam of moonlight while my mind furiously tried to comprehend the horror that was occurring right in front of me. Then as the horrible truth of what was happening smashed into my consciousness, time sped back up to normal, and I watched helplessly as her body plummeted downward.

“LINDA! NO! PLEASE! PLEASE, GOD, NO! LINDA! I LOVE YOU!” I screamed out in horror as I watched her body continuing to fall until it halted violently; the rope stopping her descent with a sickening snap.

I awoke panicked and gasping, disorientated, my heart thudding hard within my chest. I struggled to sit up, my brain trying to figure out where I was before realizing that I had a warm body lying on my chest, preventing me from moving. It took a little while to come to terms with the fact that I was in my own bed and that it was Amber’s warm body that I was feeling pressed up against me. I shook the cobwebs from my mind, realizing that I hadn’t truly seen Linda hang herself in Old Man Garth’s barn even though it was still fresh in my mind.

My dream had seemed so real that it left me feeling confused, anxious, and scared. I was hot, clammy, and wide awake now as most of the fear slowly dissipated and reality set in—which wasn’t all that much better if I was being honest with myself. My anxiety level was through the roof. It felt as if the world was ready to come crashing down upon all of our heads no matter what I’d said to CC about simply denying any incest claims. I wondered if Linda had already spilled the beans about us? Still, no matter what, I’d rather that than her committing suicide. I hoped that she was being kept safe. I shuddered again with the sheer horror of my dream and how realistic it had seemed.

Slipping from beneath my sister, I pushed myself upright, feeling slightly claustrophobic underneath my blanket, remembering how I’d felt within my nightmare. Did I genuinely have feelings for Linda? The very idea of that was unsettling. The thoughts that were going through my head both before and then after she had jumped had startled me. Was it possible that they were real? While as thoroughly confused as I was right now, I had to think, that nah, they couldn’t be.

I knew that I was definitely attracted to Linda, but the dream had certainly exaggerated what I felt. At least I think it had? Right? I mean, I definitely cared about her—a lot—but it wasn’t love. Was it? I put my face in my hands and shook my head—God, what a nightmare! It had all seemed so real! I could tell that this was one horrible dream that would stay with me for a long time.

“Davey?” Amber mumbled sleepily as I felt her hand clumsily stroke across my back. I must’ve disturbed her when I’d sat up.

“Davey?” my sister mumbled again as I sat dazed and non-responsive, still partially lost within my thoughts.

I felt a gentle shake on my shoulder blade.

“Huh?” I belatedly uttered, my voice sounding hoarse as my brain caught up to the fact that Amber had called my name twice.

“What time is it,” she asked blearily, her eyes blinking owlishly in the moonlight that was streaming through the window.

“A quarter after three,” I replied with a grunt, feeling annoyed to be awake in the middle of the night, especially after having got to bed so late and knowing that we needed to be up early. A sense of guilt spread throughout my chest; the declaration of my love for Linda, even though it was in a dream, still felt fresh. It felt like betrayal. Plus, I was still bone-weary, even though I was now wide awake—and that sucked.

“A quarter after three? Feels later,” Amber yawned tiredly.

“Yeah, sorry to wake you ... I had a bad dream, is all,” I mumbled, unable to meet her eyes.

“Understandable,” Amber muttered sleepily. “Hey, you okay, Baby? Wanna talk about it?” she asked with concern as she sat up, hugging me from behind.

“Nah, it’s okay,” I replied with a shiver, the image of Linda hanging by her neck, her tongue protruding grotesquely from her open mouth still looming fresh in my mind.

I took a deep breath, enjoying the smell of peaches that suddenly wafted from my sister’s hair; it was tickling my back and right shoulder as she leaned in close to me. I did my best to dispel the image of Linda’s death from my mind. It wasn’t real after all, and reality had its own nightmares to deal with.

“Talk to me, Davey. What did you dream?” Amber insisted gently as she wrapped her arms even tighter around my chest. Soon after, I felt her lovingly kissing the side of my neck, her breasts pressing pleasantly against my sweaty back.

I sighed long and loud, letting out a deep breath that I hadn’t realized I’d been partially holding in.

“It seemed so real...” I hesitated.

“Was it about Linda?” Amber asked sympathetically as she kissed my neck again while giving me another loving squeeze.

“Yeah,” I sighed in agreement, feeling reluctant to share since I felt guilty about how I’d felt in my dream. I knew that I didn’t truly love Linda, not like I did my girls anyway, but it had seemed so deep and real in my nightmare. A residual of which was still lingering in my head—it had me feeling a tiny bit confused, and I was too tired, overwhelmed, and upset to sort it out properly.

“Tell me, Bro. I wanna hear it. It’ll make you feel better to get it off your chest,” Amber persisted soothingly, encouraging me with another kiss and a squeeze.

“Fine,” I agreed reluctantly, giving another heavy sigh.

I spent the next few minutes detailing my dream for Amber as she listened both attentively and sympathetically. She was correct; it felt better getting it off my chest. I realized that it wasn’t the dream that was bothering me the most, but the almost crippling anxiety that I felt over what had almost happened earlier in the day and how close Linda had come to killing herself. Add to that just how close I’d probably come to death myself, and it was no wonder that I felt like an emotional wreck.

What had me jittery the most was my deep concern that she would try to do so another time, and I couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing her sparkling blue eyes or brilliant smile again. It would be heart-crushing to lose her. All I wanted was to be able to help her heal from the horror she must’ve gone through while being abused by her Uncle. If she’d even accept me as a friend again, that is.

Sigh.

At least talking about what I’d dreamt was actually making me feel a little more relaxed even though I was still filled with worry. Nearing the end, I debated about telling Amber what I’d cried out as Linda had jumped. Would she get upset because I’d screamed that I loved Linda in my dream? If my sister told me that she’d yelled out that she loved another guy in hers, it would bother the fuck out of me. But then again, I was the one with jealousy issues, not her.

Truthfully, I wasn’t exactly sure how she’d react, but I certainly didn’t want her mad at me again. After taking a moment’s respite to relieve myself in the bathroom, I decided to just bite the bullet—so to speak—and to tell her everything. A recent memory of when she had gotten upset with me for not having shared my thoughts and concerns popped into my head. I certainly didn’t want the feeling of guilt that I had inside to start festering or worse because I didn’t open up to share with her again.

When I had initially tried keeping my feelings for my sister to myself and then later my feelings for CC, it hadn’t worked. In fact, it turned out that being honest about my feelings had been the best thing to have ever happened to me. It had snagged me two of the most beautiful women in Maine. Both of who I loved more than anything else in this world, and I knew just how lucky I was to have them. Besides, I really didn’t love Linda like that anyway. At least I didn’t think so ... Did I have some feelings for her? Sure, I could admit that much to myself, but they were mild compared to how I felt about my girls and nothing worth dwelling or fretting upon. I bet that I was merely mixing sympathy and concern with attraction. Besides, for all I knew, she’d never even want to see me again anyway. Maybe she wouldn’t even be allowed.

“So let me get this straight. You screamed out that you loved Linda in your dream as she jumped off a support beam to hang herself? And you’re worried that I’ll be mad or upset with you over that!?!” Amber asked incredulously from where she sat cross-legged, leaning back on a couple of pillows against the headboard.

“Yeah,” I shrugged sheepishly, choosing that moment to stare at her sexy breasts as they jiggled enticingly with her expressive shoulder movements. I couldn’t look her in the eye. I was afraid to see her disapproval no matter how it was shaped. Besides, the shadows created from the moon and starlight did interesting things to her nipples.

“Oh, Bro! You’re so fucking silly sometimes!” Amber laughed mirthfully. “It was a dream, you big Doofus! I’ve told you before that, of course, I wouldn’t be upset by something that you can’t control. Jeez!” she chuckled again.

“I guess,” I mumbled, still feeling guilty about it for some reason.

“So?” she prodded, poking me in the side.

“So what?” I asked, puzzled.

“Do you think that you love her?” Amber asked with a tilt of her head, studying me with an inscrutable expression on her face.

“What!? NO! Why would you ask that!?” I barked sharply in reply, startled by her question even though I had partially expected it.

“Because sometimes our dreams can tell us what we really feel. So you’re saying that you don’t love her then?”

“NO!” I stated emphatically. “I only love you and CC!”

“Good!” Amber grinned. “CC and I both know that you’re super attracted to her, and we understand that and why. Hell, if I’m gonna be honest about it, I’m attracted to her as well ‘cause she’s super hot! We know that she feels the same way for you, but you shouldn’t feel anything more than ‘like’ for her,” she said, suddenly serious as she held my gaze. “Your love is reserved for us, Mister! And don’t you forget it!” she admonished firmly but with a smile.

“Of course!” I gushed, relieved that my sister wasn’t mad at me. “You and CC are all that I will ever need, Babe, and I thank my lucky stars every day that I somehow managed to be fortunate enough to have the both of you.”

“But playing Devil’s advocate,” Amber smirked devilishly, “let’s say that you did love Linda like you loved us. Would you ever leave me or CC for her?”

“Never, Babe! You know that I’d never leave either of you!” I spat out, alarmed that she could even ask that.

“Settle down, Bro. I know you wouldn’t. I just wanted to hear you say it out loud,” Amber laughed softly at my panicked response. “Now, how about you put your feelings—whatever they might be—for Linda out of your head for the moment. It’s the least of our problems right now. We should try to figure out what our plans should be starting Sunday morning. And I’m saying Sunday because we should try and enjoy our time with CC before she goes. I already miss her not being in bed with us.”

“Shit, Sis. I’m too tired and fucked up for this,” I sighed as I ran my hands over my face.

“You and me both, Davey,” Amber agreed as she reached out and pulled me down to lie against her soft yet firm chest. “But we do need to talk things out, and as long as we’re both awake and can’t sleep, we should take advantage of it. So, what do you think is going to happen to her? And more importantly, how and when do you think we’ll be able to see her again?” Amber asked, sounding worried for the first time since she’d awoken.

“Hmm, I dunno. I imagine that she’ll be placed in a mental hospital somewhere for a spell. At least until they can make sure that she’s no longer suffering from a breakdown, feeling suicidal, or is a danger to others. To be honest, I don’t think that she’ll be mentally stable for a while, not with how broken she seemed. She’ll need therapy to deal with the abuse she suffered and to deal with whatever guilt she might end up feeling for killing her Uncle...”

“What!?! Why in the Hell would she ever feel guilty about killing that scum if he was sexually abusing her!?!” Amber questioned angrily.

“Whoa! Relax, Amb! I’m not saying that she should be feeling that way, just that she might! I mean, it’s not like she’s a stone-cold killer or anything! Even people whose job it is to kill bad guys still suffer from guilt sometimes. At least, that’s what I’ve read anyway.”

“Sorry,” Amber responded meekly. “It just offended me that she might suffer even more because she got rid of the asshole who was hurting her for years!”

“Understandable, Sis,” I agreed, giving her tit a kiss. “As far as us seeing her, I doubt that we’ll be able to do so anytime soon. It could be months before they let her out of wherever they’re gonna stick her. And who even knows where she’ll even stay if and when she does get out. I mean, she might not want to be sleeping in the same house that she killed her Uncle in. Maybe she’ll be allowed visitors at some point. We’ll see. We can start making calls about it on Sunday.”

“Yeah, but do you think that she’ll go to jail for killing her Uncle after that? I’m worried about her, Davey. And even though she wanted to kill you, I can forgive her since she didn’t actually do it. She was seriously misguided, but understandably so. In her shoes, I probably would’ve done the same. That bastard deserved what she did to him! In fact, it was probably too quick,” Amber growled as she aggressively ran her fingers through the short growth of hair on my head.

“I doubt she’ll be convicted of a crime, Amb. Not if her Uncle was really abusing her like that. Hell, they might not even press charges, though with the morons running shit around here, you never know,” I offered, trying to give reassurance.

“I hope so. I guess all we can do is wait and see,” Amber sighed. “Mmm, Baby, I didn’t get a chance to tell you last night, not with all the craziness that happened after the cops showed up, but I’m really glad that you thought right away about not telling anyone that she was threatening to kill you. It would’ve definitely made things worse.”

“Yeah, I just hope that she doesn’t spill the beans herself,” I agreed with a sigh. “Or about what she saw between us,” I added with a frown. “Although that’s probably just wishful thinking at this point. I mean, I can’t see how some shrink won’t be able to dig that out of her. Not when they try to get to the bottom of why she suddenly went off the deep end as she did. I’m scared that someone might take what she says seriously...”

“Hey, hush now,” Amber interrupted with a finger on my lips. “You’ve gotta stop thinking like that, Bro. Even IF she tells someone, so what? Everyone knows that you’re with CC. No one would believe that we’re lovers. They know how close we are, and they’ll simply attribute anything Linda says to her mind snapping...”

“Yeah, but you can’t know that, Amb,” I pointed out as I kissed her finger before gently pushing it out of the way. “Someone might also think that where there’s smoke, there’s fire,” I stated worriedly.

“Okay, say that’s so then, and that some nosey shit does get suspicious. Big deal. We just dial back our public affection a bit and take extra precautions whenever we do stuff together. That would suck, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world,” Amber said with a shrug. “You worry too much about stuff that you can’t control, Bro. Speculation and preparedness are good, but dwelling on it to the point that you do will only give you ulcers and make you paranoid.”

“Yeah, maybe,” I said, wanting to change the subject for now. “What else really bothers me is that I keep thinking back, trying to remember if there were any signs that she was being abused that I missed. I feel shitty that it slipped right by me and that she kept suffering when maybe I could’ve done something to stop it a long time ago,” I shared sadly, letting my emotions out.

“Hey! None of that now! I, too, keep wondering if there were some clues that I failed to see, but I’m NOT blaming myself for not seeing what might not have even been there to see! You shouldn’t do that either!” Amber admonished me with a troubled frown.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Besides, I can’t think of anything. She always seemed so ... so normal, I guess. I mean, she always seemed so happy and ... and I dunno,” I paused, realizing that what I was saying wasn’t exactly true.

There were a couple of moments where she shared some things with me that, looking back at it, was where she could’ve been asking for help. But I was in no mood to start analyzing it now. I couldn’t think too clearly and just wanted to try to conk out again. Hopefully, without any more nightmares this time.

“I’m so tired, Amb. I think I’m gonna try and get back to sleep if I can. I have a feeling that it’s going to be a long day tomorrow,” I said with a yawn while slipping my head off her breast to get comfortable on my pillow.

“Okay, Baby. Maybe I can get back to sleep too. I love you so much, Bro,” Amber said as she snuggled down next to me. “Oh, I just had a thought. Maybe you should call Mrs. Sullivan. She might have some good advice about this whole Linda situation. And if you are feeling guilty, maybe she can help with that too,” she added with a yawn as she burrowed her head into my chest.

“Love you too, Sis. More than you’ll ever know, and yeah, that’s a great idea. I’ll give her a call on Monday,” I whispered back as I enjoyed the feel of her naked body molded next to mine.

Amb had a good idea; Mrs. Sullivan would probably be able to give me some great insight into things. She had certainly helped CC enough. So, with that comforting thought in my head, I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.

Amber and I had just walked in from the backyard when we saw our Mom standing near the foyer looking around. She had a couple of paper grocery bags in her hands, along with her purse. Our mother looked so smart in her black skirt and white blouse, especially with the way she wore her long blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail. It struck me again how lucky Dad was and how lucky I would be when we got older because if Amber took after our mother, then she’d be smokin’ hot for a long, long time.

“Thanks for still getting your chores all done, you two. I can see from here that you cleaned. I appreciate it. I know how hard yesterday was for you both, and I gotta say that I’m surprised that you still did them,” Mom said with a little smile while her face looked at us with concern. “The floor looks nice and clean, as does the kitchen.”

“We didn’t mind,” I shrugged, “besides, it helped to keep our mind off things.”

“The pool really needed cleaning, and vacuuming doesn’t take that long. Neither does the mopping,” Amber added as she went over to kiss Mom’s cheek while grabbing a bag of groceries from her hands. “Mmm, something smells good!” she blurted out as she lifted the bag up to inspect it. “This isn’t groceries!” she exclaimed as she sniffed at the top of the brown paper sack.

“No,” Mom smiled, “the other bag has a couple things we needed from the grocery store; that one has something to eat for lunch. With what you guys went through, I figured you deserved something that you didn’t need to make. So I picked something up to surprise you.”

“What is it?” I asked, suddenly feeling ravenous.

“Subs. I got you two of your favorite, Honey, roast beef with extra horseradish, and I got a ham and swiss cheese for you, Sweetheart,” Mom informed us with a smile. “And there’s a couple of butter tarts each for dessert.”

“Butter tarts! Yum! Thanks, Mom,” Amber gushed happily. “What about you? Did you get a sub too?”

“Yes, I got myself a tuna,” Mom smiled.

“Cool! Thanks! I’m starving!” I quipped as I snatched the bag from Amber’s hands before she had a chance to even look inside.

“Hey!” Amber complained, “I would’ve handed you your food, you impatient glutton! Mom, I seriously hope that you’re not planning on taking us out to a buffet on Sunday because if so, they’d either kick us out, or we’d need a crane to drag him away from the food troughs!”

Mom laughed at that as I ignored them both, dug out my two subs, and then handed Mom and Amber theirs. Within seconds I was tearing into my first one, taking a huge bite. Damn, it tasted good!