Chapter 13: Entangled

Wednesday, May 29, 1996, Sanford Maine

“Davey, wake up, my love,” a disembodied female voice murmured into my ear.

Poke.

“Ouch!”

The Devil had sent another Demonic entity to torment me; I must hide.

“Davey, time to get up, Bro!” it’s the She-Devil; I must guard our vitals.

Poke. Shake.

“OWWW!”

Oh, Fuck. She’s trying to twist my arm off, probably so that she could beat me with it afterward. Burying deeper under the blankets has had no effect.

“Davey, Baby, wakey, wakey!” the She-Devil was the most clever of stalkers, and I couldn’t escape from her evilness nor her cruel rhymes.

Poke. Poke. Poke.

“OUCH! OWWW! SHIT!”

She-Devils claws had been sharpened, and I had no side left. It had been completely obliterated underneath her heavy assault of puncturing fingers. Surely I must bleed to death within seconds, I thought.

“Ugh, my intestines are spilled! I am dying! Curse you! Foul She-Devil! Go back to the Hells that spawned you!” I groaned in misery.

“Oh, Davey. You’re so funny!” excessive laughter was had as a result of my suffering.

“Ooomph!” ninety-five pounds of a Hellish nature, had crashed onto my remains. Wishing to feed before my body went cold, no doubt.

“Muah, muah, muah!” the She-Devil was trying to eat my face, and I was wet with her spittle. It must be some type of acid, and it would start burning me in a moment, I was sure.

More cackling-giggling?

“I surrender. You have won, Demon. Eat my corpse and let me rest in peace,” I moaned.

“Aww, I love you so much, Davey!”

She-Devil was kissing us softly?

Awareness was forming. I fluttered my eyelids open. Amber was straddling me and kissing all over my face with soft little butterfly kisses.

“Your fingers are like molten steel bars burning through my flesh where you poke me, She-Devil-Amber. I do love you though ... my wicked tormentor,” I mumbled, trying to keep my eyes focused.

Amber giggled some more and kissed me firmly and softly upon my lips as her hand caressed my face. “I love you, Baby.”

“Mmmmm, love you,” I muttered sleepily.

“Gotta get up now, Davey. I know you’re tired, but we can’t be late,” Amber said gently while tugging my arms to make us sit up.

I sat up and contemplated the cruelty of such a world that could exist where one was deprived of much-needed sleep.

“Today should be a snow day,” I mumbled with a yawn.

“A snow day? Man, I wish that I had your dreams, Davey! Snow in May, now that would be funny. Since I am your She-Devil, would that mean that Hell would be frozen over?” she giggled mirthfully.

My beautiful green-eyed pixie of a sister, so tiny at five feet and weighing almost nothing, tugged me to my feet. Her gorgeous grapefruit-sized breasts bounced enticingly with her struggles. I watched, mesmerized by her sexiness. I was one lucky son of a bitch to be waking up with this ravishing creature every day. She was the epitome of sensuality. Just standing there in front of me nude, her smooth-shaven sex was as perfect a pussy as I had ever seen. Better than the ones spied upon in my Dad’s playboys, that was for sure.

Her body shape was superior to most other women’s with its gorgeous curves. Her hips asked to be held onto while her torso definitely needed arms to surround it. Amber’s flawless nipples begged to be suckled, and the firm mounds squeezed. Her long fragrant blonde hair required fingers to comb through it while they marveled at its silky texture. Her ass was nothing short of genetic excellence. My sister’s tight heart-shaped butt cheeks were mouth-watering, and it would send the blood rushing to engorge the cocks of any man who beheld it. Even her tiny feet were of a quality matching the rest of her breathtaking beauty.

“Davey! You’re staring at me again!” she accused as she blushed shyly.

“I can’t help but be blown away when looking at you. You may be my sister, and we may have grown up together, but I am still stunned stupid sometimes by how gorgeous and sexy you are, Amber. You steal my breath away,” I whispered.

“Flattery will get you everywhere! Now, let’s get wet together in the shower, my sexy man. You’re not the only one who is lucky, you know. You’re a fucking stud, Baby!” she exclaimed as she flashed me a 20,000-watt smile causing my heart to flutter as I beamed.

We washed each other in the shower enjoying the feel of our hands rubbing intimately on the other’s skin. My little sister fell to her knees right after we had finished rinsing and gave me a fast and amazing blow job. She swallowed all of my jizz with a moan and without spilling a drop. Man, she was so good to me. We got out and dried off. I then hurried downstairs to get a much-needed coffee while she agonized over what clothes to wear.

“Good morning, son,” our Dad said from where he sat at the kitchen table.

His chair gave its usual protesting shriek as he shifted his weight upon it. It was the same warning that it regularly gave. One day soon, it promised it would come crashing to the floor in a pile of broken wood and bruised dignity.

“Morning, Dad,” I replied, still a bit frazzled as I desperately needed caffeine.

I made myself a much-needed coffee and popped a couple of Eggos into the toaster. Slowly getting my brain reassembled with each sip, I started preparing our lunches while eating my breakfast.

“How is Cindy holding up, David?” our Dad inquired with real concern in his voice.

We really did have good parents, not like some of them who just went through the motions because they were required to. Ours actually loved us, and they cared about the people around us as well.

“Um, not that good, really, Dad. Yesterday she looked like crap, and she told me that she hadn’t slept much the night before. CC is scared shitless that the asshole who attacked her is going to show up in the middle of the night at her house. Me and Amber are trying to get her to talk to the school counselor. I think that she might if we keep working on her,” I sighed in frustration.

“Well, keep trying, son. She definitely needs to talk to a professional, that’s for sure. And what about you two? She seemed mighty cozy on your lap the other night, David. I hope that you aren’t trying to take advantage of her. She is in quite a vulnerable state right now, and that would be seriously wrong. I would hope that I didn’t need to explain the why of that to you,” he said while his eyes pierced me with the intense scrutiny that only a parent can achieve.

I blew out a tense breath, “Yeah, I know how it must look but trust me, Dad, it is NOT that way. CC is clinging to me hard, and to be honest, I am terrified of her right now. She keeps telling me that she only feels safe around me, and yesterday she told me that she loved me right before kissing me. She completely surprised me! I was NOT expecting that!” I vented in frustration.

“She told you that she loved you? And kissed you, huh? Well, her fixating on you is probably normal, especially considering how close you guys have been since you were little kids. But she is NOT herself right now, and you must recognize that son. How did she act towards you before she was attacked?”

“Well, for the past few weeks, she’s been flirting with me in ways that she hasn’t really done before. She also told Amber that she liked me,” I said, a little bashful.

“Hmmm, and how do you feel about her, son?” my Dad asked pointedly.

“Well, I ... um ... I used to have a crush on her, I guess, but that was eons ago. I don’t really think of her that way anymore. I mean, she’s pretty and all, and we get along great, but ... well, you know. I ... I just don’t see us together that way, really,” I stammered.

“Okay, I get it, David. So you need to be extra careful. You don’t want to lead her on, and you most certainly better not use her in any way. Now I don’t think that you would, son, but many a teenage boy has come to regret thinking with the wrong head. So be as good a friend as you can and try to steer her away from relationships for now. If you need to talk, I’m always here for you.”

“Thanks, Dad. I know you are, and it means a lot. And just so you know, I told CC that I didn’t think that she was in any position to be thinking about being with anyone because she was in a bad spot emotionally. I told her that I loved her as a friend and would protect her and be there for her as long as she needed me,” I told him truthfully.

“Good for you, son. I know how pretty Cindy is, and your Mother and I have seen how you used to look at her. When you didn’t think anyone could see, that is,” he chuckled. “I’m proud of you, m’boy. There are many men that would be playing the ‘savior’ role and milking it for all it’s worth. Cindy is a wonderful young lady and deserves your best. So save any ‘fooling’ around for when she is recovered from this shitty mess,” my Dad wisely instructed.

“I will, Dad, you have my word,” I solemnly vowed while guiltily thinking that I could only say that because I was fucking his daughter, my sister, instead.

I turned my back to make another coffee while my cheeks started to flush with my licentiousness. I felt ashamed again for the pain that this would most likely cause our parents one day. Sigh. There was nothing to be done except to try and keep the lid on our ‘affair’ for the next three years. At least at eighteen, Amber would be able to move anywhere that we wanted together.

“Good Morning, Daddy!” Amber squealed as she glided downstairs and over to where he sat to give him a big hug and smack on the cheek.

“Morning Princess! How did you sleep? I hope that you’re not too worried about something like what happened to Cindy happening to you? Your brother was just saying how tore up the poor thing is.”

“Oh gosh no, Daddy! Not with Davey always around me! He’s a real Hero, Dad! I feel so, so bad for CC, and we are trying to care for her as best as we can. Davey saved her, and I know that he would protect me too,” Amber said sweetly.

“Good Pumpkin. If you need to talk about it, about what happened, you can talk to your mother or me, anytime. Okay, sweetie pie?” our Dad said while enfolding her within his arms for another hug.

“Of course, Daddy! We gotta run, we’re going to miss the bus! Come on, Davey!” she hustled me with our bags and lunches over to the front door while ignoring the toast that I had made for her. She just grabbed herself an apple instead.

We got our shoes on and skedaddled out to the curb, just in time too, as the bus driver was already stopped and was just about to leave on us. As soon as I started walking down the aisle to the back section of seats where we sat, I noticed that for some reason, Josh was in the place where CC normally rode with my sister and that she was sitting in his spot. Sigh, shit was going to get harder then, I could feel it, and that wasn’t good.

“Heya, Amber, David,” CC said quietly when we got close.

“Hey CC, um ... What’s up with the seat change? Why are we sitting in front of the guys?” Amber asked as she started to sit down next to CC.

“Heya CC, guys,” I nodded to all my friends, puzzled as to where I was supposed to sit.

“Heya bud,” the twins echoed.

“Yo man, what’s up?” Josh quipped.

Stewart gave me a small shrug when he saw the perplexed look on my face while looking at CC. Andy was just giving me a weird look as he swiveled his gaze from Amber, CC, and me.

“Um ... I asked Josh if he minded switching seats with me today. Sorry I ... I just wanted to sit with David. You don’t mind, do you?” CC mumbled out nervously.

CC’s brown eyes were looking at my sister with an almost pleading quality to them, and she looked desperate. She also looked ruffled and unkempt, like she’d slept in her clothes, and it was dubious if she had managed any sleep at all. Her hair was done up in a loose ponytail, and it was bedraggled and dull. Her eyes were heavily bagged, and her skin was even paler than it had been the day before. Even her lips looked almost bloodless. She wasn’t dressed like her usual self either; her clothes were all baggy and shapeless. Normally she was one of the more fashion-conscious girls at school. Her hands were twitching, and I could see that it looked like she had bitten almost all of her nails down to the point where some of them had bled.

“Um yeah ... sure thing, CC,” my sister said softly while glancing back at me with serious worry in her eyes.

I gave her my best I’ve got this, so don’t worry too much look, and sat down in my usual seat, leaving Amber to sit behind me next to Josh. As soon as my butt was settled, my arm was seized in a two-armed grip that was tighter than handcuffs slapped onto a violent felon. I felt her large breast squished up onto my arm, and her head tilted up and sideways to look at me. As our gaze met, her eyes started to water. I could tell that she was struggling to keep from crying. It was heartbreaking to see her like this.

“Hey, Cindy. I’m here, Babe. It’s okay; you just sit there and hold onto me. I’m your rock, Honey. You don’t need to say a word. You just sit and be precious,” I leaned down and whispered to her, making sure that only she could hear, which wasn’t hard to do on a school bus full of boisterous teens.

She nodded her head and gave me a tiny weak smile of gratefulness as her arms clung tighter, and she rested her head upon my shoulder. I patted her knee with my other hand and was grateful myself—grateful that for once, my cock wasn’t standing up to volunteer for a surprise census taking; the world of horny, population one.

“So are you guys going out now or what? I mean, yesterday, you guys were all holding hands and leanin’ upon each other, and now you’re changing seats and getting cozy?” Andy asked, his voice a little strained.

Before I could say anything, Amber interjected for us, “They talked about it yesterday, and they are just seeing if they ‘COULD’ date. They aren’t sure yet if they can because they have known each other as such good friends for so long. So they don’t wanna go too fast and ruin their friendship, but they do have feelings beyond that and are taking it extremely slow.”

“Wait, that’s fucking confusing. Are they a couple then or no?” Stewart asked.

“Makes sense to me. They aren’t a couple yet, but they are taking it slow to see if they could be. Right, Amber?” Josh said.

“Yeah, exactly,” agreed my sister.

Cindy cuddled into my arm even more with my sister’s proclamation, and her eyes found mine as I glanced down at her. She smiled sweetly at me this time, although she still seemed very skittish, like a newborn colt trying out its new legs.

“Yeah, me and CC are attracted to each other, but we aren’t one-hundred percent sure if we can get past just being friends. So we are just cuddling, holding hands, and spending more quality time together,” I stated.

I was relieved that Amber was so much smarter than I was. I would have just turned red and stammered some bullshit answer that made no sense to anyone at all.

“Oh, okay. Whatever man,” Andy replied tersely.

I could tell by his voice that he was upset. I knew that he had a thing for CC and that he had been wanting to ask her out ever since she had dumped Jason a few months back. I felt bad. He was my best friend along with his twin Stewart and had been since we had met in kindergarten, but there was nothing I could do about it at the moment.

“Hey, we’re here, guys. My Ma said that it was supposed to rain late this morning, so it looks like it’s the cafeteria for lunch,” Josh informed us.

We all agreed to meet at mine and Josh’s lockers at the start of lunch before everyone headed off for their first class. But not before CC reached up and gave me a peck on the lips before hustling away. My sister did not look amused as she shot us a dirty glance before heading off herself. Andy also gave me a look that showed that he was pretty pissed off at me too. Shit. Fuck. Damn. Ahh, Hell, this situation was getting worse and worse by the hour, it seemed. I shook my head as if to clear it and made my way to my first-period class.

It had started raining pretty hard about an hour into class, and about twenty minutes later, some asshat somewhere must have thought that it would be hilarious to pull the fire alarm. We were all made to gather out in the school parking lot, and by the time they had given the all-clear signal, we were mostly soaked. The day was just getting better and better. I headed back to class with my face as much a thunderhead as the sky above.

I was still feeling a little damp when the lunch bell rang, and my mood was one to match. I was headed to my locker, walking next to Kim, who had been looking at me askance all morning like she wanted to ask me something.

I couldn’t take it anymore, “Spit it out, Kim, or it’s going to choke you soon.”

“Wh-what?” she stammered.

“You’ve been looking at me like either I grew some weird horns on my head or like you really want to ask me something. Well, last I had checked, I had no horns, so ask,” I stated.

“Um ... Okay. Are you and Cindy dating? I mean, Josh told me that you guys were sorta feeling things out, but ... Well, it seems like something bad happened to CC or something. She has been really outta sorts since yesterday. She also ... well, please don’t tell her that I said this, but ... she looks like Hell. And she’s been clinging to you for the same amount of time. What’s really going on? Is she okay?” Kim asked, concerned.

“Look, Kim, I uh ... I ... shit ... Fuck me. Look, I can’t say anything, okay? Please just let it slide? For me? And yes, we are seeing if the possibility of being more than friends is even there or not.”

She looked pensive, and her blue eyes searched mine as if she could read the truth there. I tried my best to look sincere because I was.

“Okay, David. But we all care for her, so ... You sure you can’t tell me? I just wanna help...”

“It’s not up to me, and if she knew that I even said what little I have, she’d be very upset with me. Please, Kim. Ask her if you want but don’t hang me out to dry, okay?” I pleaded.

“Okay, David,” she agreed.

We finished the conversation just in time as Josh sidled up to Kim, kissed her, and gave me the typical guy greeting between friends. I was pulling my lunch from my locker when I felt two arms snake around my waist, and a small, firm body pressed tightly to my back. By the feel of the size of the breasts smashed into me, it was CC.

“Hi, David,” she sighed softly.

“Heya, CC,” I replied warmly.

No matter how fucked up everything was, I wasn’t going to be anything but perfect for her. I turned around, and she kept her arms around me so that she ended up pressed into my chest. Amber walked up at the same time, shot me another dirty look, and turned around, and walked away around the corner. Ahhh shit.

“One sec, CC,” I said, gently disengaging from her hold.

I dashed out of sight around the corner and caught up behind my sister. I grabbed her arm by the elbow and gently tugged her to me. She turned and faced me, her eyes ablaze. I was momentarily taken aback. I had never seen her look at me like that before.

“What? David,” she spat quietly as her voice dripped venom.

“Whoa! Sis, what’s wrong? I am just doing my best here to walk this tightrope I’m on! You KNOW how I really feel right now! I thought you said no green-eyed bitch? I love you, you know that! Please don’t make this worse on me. CC needs us. Both of us,” I whispered to her, begging, as my eyes implored her to understand.

“Fine,” she said.

Which even a clueless teenage boy like me knew that meant that everything was anything but fine. She walked back to the lockers, greeted everyone sweetly, and started walking towards the cafeteria. I sighed to myself and followed. Cindy grabbed my hand and stayed glued to my side for the rest of lunch.

Andy scowled at me every time that our eyes crossed. Stewart behaved the same way with me that he always did. Josh and Kim acted like everything was perfectly normal with us holding hands and her leaning on me.

Mark and Jenny asked if we were dating and got an abbreviated answer from Josh. Basically saying that we were seeing if we were compatible enough to actually date. They thought that was cool, with Jenny even saying how cute we looked together. Andy scowled even harder at that, and so did Amber, but only I saw that, thankfully. I just sighed inside and grinned and bore it. Cindy beamed and looked at me like I was made out of sunshine and rainbows with a side dose of a safety blanket.

I couldn’t wait to get home, or at least, so I thought at the time. The school day had finished as miserably as it had begun, and before I knew it, Amber, CC, and I were walking through our front door.

“I’m starving, would you two lovely ladies like something to eat? I was thinking about heating up a few pizza pockets,” I offered.

“I’m not hungry, really, but do you guys mind if I took a shower?” CC asked.

“I’m not hungry either,” my sister answered me. “Yeah, sure. Come, I’ll get you set up,” Amber told CC.

“Yeah, sure, go ahead. I’ll be down here watching TV,” I replied to CC, smiling at her.

I tried to look my sister in the eyes, but she looked away from me as soon as I did. Her body language was something that I had never received from her before; it was cold. I sighed miserably, made a couple of pizza pockets, and sat numbly in front of the TV.

“Hey, David,” CC said softly as she slumped down beside me, smelling clean and fresh from her shower.

“Heya, CC. How are you doing, sweetheart? You didn’t sleep so good again last night, huh?” I asked her worriedly.

“No ... I ... I kept drifting off, and then I would startle awake with my heart thundering in my chest. I could ... I could feel him still ... I wish I could stay here with you guys,” she trailed away despondently.

“Hey, what can I do?” I asked, taking her hands in mine.

“Kiss me?” she looked up at me, her eyes so wet, so desperate with hurt and longing.

Yeah, a fucking hellish day this one. I wanted to, I really did, and that scared me. Looking at her all vulnerable, and even with her looking like crap compared to how she normally looked, well, she was still so cute. She was sexy even, in her need. What I didn’t want to do was to hurt my sister. I loved her like crazy, and kissing CC, no matter how sexy it would be, wouldn’t be worth it, not even a tiny bit.

“CC, I want to. I really do, but I can’t. I’m sorry, Babe. You need to get back to normal, and if I did that now, well, I would feel like I was taking advantage of you. Please ... Please talk to the school counselor. Do it for me, Cindy. Okay? I will go with you if you want, and I’ll make sure that they won’t tell anyone or do anything you don’t want them to,” I begged empathetically.

“Look me in my eyes, David, and tell me that you don’t want me. Tell me that you don’t want what I want. For you to hold me and kiss me; to feel me and to love me. If you can tell me that you honestly don’t desire me as I desire you, then I will stop asking you,” CC demanded of me with a flash in her beautiful brown eyes.

“I ... I...”

“You can’t. I know that you want me, David. I’ll make you a deal. You give me one kiss, a real kiss, a deep loving kiss, David. If you do, then I’ll see the counselor with you, and I won’t ask for another one until I’m feeling better again. That’s the deal. One kiss, and then you help me get normal again, and I’ll wait to ask you to be with me,” she bargained with me.

She gazed at me so sweetly and so lovingly, with her heart so open and trusting and with all of her emotions showing on her sleeve. God help me, and Amber forgive me. One kiss. Just one, and she would get help. She would seek guidance to get back to the happy and healthy Cindy that we all loved. I couldn’t refuse such a small thing for such a big gain.

“Okay,” I sighed.

Having agreed to her demand, we both still hesitated for a moment as we drank in the realization of the line that we were both about to cross. For eleven years, we had been friends. This was new territory for us both. I had dreamed of this moment for almost two years, and finally, it was going to happen, and my heart really wasn’t in it. I wanted Amber. Sure, I was attracted to her, and yeah, I would love to fuck her. I am a guy, after all, and a teenage one at that. But I had something way better, and I never wanted to lose it.

We moved towards each other with our eyes locked together in a deep gaze. Her brown irises were soft and warm, and they drew me in. A pretty flush had bloomed in her cheeks, which temporarily pushed back her pale pallor. Her lips were luscious, a perfect thickness that led to many boys dreaming about feeling them wrapped around their cocks. Closing together, our heads tilted naturally without conscious thought, and our lips parted slightly as they softly met. As they did, our eyes closed.

CC moaned as our mouths met and our tongues made the first exploratory contact with each other. I felt an electric spark similar to how it had felt when I had first kissed Amber, only less so. It was definitely much better-kissing CC than it had been when I had kissed those two other girls before I had ever kissed my sister. I could tell that this kiss was a particularly good one, that it would be superior to how it would feel when kissing most others. She moaned louder as our tongues dueled together nicely. My cock jumped up and wanted to let me know that he was just as interested in trying out our CC as much as he loved our sister. The fucking traitor.

One of her hands went behind my head, and her fingers ran softly through my hair. Her touch, I noticed, was very different than Amber’s. It was more gentle, tentative, questioning yet eager somehow. She lightly pressed my head tighter to her, and her mouth opened wider as our tongues delved deeper. She tasted minty. I guessed that she had just brushed her teeth, and her hair smelled like Amber’s shampoo, peachy.

Her other hand was still holding mine, and she raised it up and brought it to her right breast. Before I was fully aware of what she was doing, my hand was being pressed tightly to her tit. She wasn’t wearing a bra, and her nipple was poking out from her t-shirt like a hard little eraser. I instinctively squeezed while my brain was screaming at the same time at just how wrong that was. I was betraying my sister enough with the kiss, and I shouldn’t be touching her tit.

She groaned deeply as I felt her up, and her tongue went frantic. Her breast felt fantastic in my palm, and I massaged it and pinched her nipple firmly. Her hand stopped acting demurely and more forcibly pulled my head tighter to her. Her tit felt awesome, so heavy, firm, and taut, yet at the same time soft and pliant. I had fantasized about touching them for years, and there I was, finally doing it. I shouldn’t be. I needed to pull back now and stop that.

I heard a gasp. I pulled myself back out of the kiss, letting it end as I turned my head towards the staircase. Amber was staring at us, and before I could even react to her presence, she fled back the way that she had come towards her room. Fuck. I glanced at Cindy, her eyes were still closed, and her lips still parted. Her breathing was accelerated with her excitement, and her chest was heaving underneath my grip. I had just realized that my hand was still massaging her tit, so I dropped it and pulled my hand back to my own lap.

CC’s eyes fluttered open, and she stared at me with stark desire. Her hand was still on the back of my head, and she pulled me to her again as she kissed me hard. Her tongue snaked its way back into my mouth, demanding a rematch of our duel. I pulled back and firmly broke the kiss while looking at her with compassion and love.

“That was very nice, Cindy, but let’s keep our agreement, please. I don’t want to feel bad about what we just did. Let’s get you the help that you need. Let’s get you back to the happy, bouncy, energetic CC that we all love. Okay?” I pleaded softly.

“Okay, David. Was ... was that good?” she asked shyly, her eyes searching mine with uncertainty.

“Yes, CC, that was very good,” my eyes must have confirmed to her what I was saying because a nice smile suddenly bloomed on her face. She also glanced down and saw that my cock was doing it’s best impersonation of a crowbar.

“I ... I can take care of that for you, David. I wouldn’t mind. I ... I would like to. I could use my mouth,” she said sexily with her eyes telling me that she was being earnest.

I mentally groaned inside, picturing her sweet lips stretched out around my cock. The image that formed in my head made me want her a little more than I already did. The kissing had pushed that door open a crack wider already. I’d just had a little taste of her to fuel what had only been my dormant fantasies until then.

“As tempting as that sounds, Honey. No, we can’t go any farther. I want the old CC back before we even think of doing anything more than the kiss that we just shared. Okay? I’m not trying to hurt you or reject you. I just care about you, CC, deeply,” I told her with both desire in my eyes and caution emanating from me in waves.