Chapter 24: Investigating Angel

I WAS SLOW GETTING UP and would still be asleep if Riley had not been knocking on my door. I dragged myself upright and couldn’t figure out what she was doing here in the middle of the night.

It was 9:00 in the morning.

Damn.

Well, what could I tell? As close as I could come to it, I hadn’t had a cup of coffee since I was at Peg’s apartment and I had the headache to prove it. That was when? A different life ago? At least a week. But I was dedicated to being on the program now.

No caffeine.

I could sure use a cup of coffee, though.

Riley took Maizie out for a walk while I showered and shaved. I was in my robe in the kitchen when Riley got back.

“Can I make your oatmeal for you?” she asked. “You can go ahead and get dressed.” I suppose it was a nice offer and she didn’t mean anything by it. I suppose I should have been happy to have the help. I suppose I’m an ass.

“Don’t rush me, Riley,” I snapped. “I can take care of myself.”

“I just thought I could help,” she said.

“I don’t need a mother to look after me. I just need to sort out which pills I should take.”

The instant crushed look on her face was more than I could bear. I turned my back on her. I could hear the stunned silence behind me. I still couldn’t bear to face her. I had to do something but I could scarcely trust myself to speak.

“Please put the oats in the water when it boils, would you,” I spoke very softly, but I heard her say “Okay.” I went into my bedroom and closed the door.

I sat on my bed and tried to get a grip on myself. What was happening to me? Riley didn’t deserve to be treated like this. I didn’t mean to hurt her, but it was evident that everything I said was wrong. I just needed to get a grip.

Then I started to panic. What if I hurt her and she left? What if she was already gone?

The anxiety I felt sent my heart racing and I was afraid I was going to have another attack. I almost called for her, but I was in my robe and nothing else. I moved quickly and pulled on underwear and socks. I went to my closet to choose a suit.

I froze.

There were too many of them. How could I have gotten so many suits. I could never make a choice among so many. What if I offended one?

Damn.

They are inanimate objects, I thought. I can’t offend them.

I closed my eyes and grabbed one out of the closet. I did the same with my shirt and tie. It didn’t make a difference. I got dressed and rushed into the kitchen.

Riley was still there. She smiled at me tentatively and I did my best to smile back. She placed a steaming bowl of oatmeal on the table and I sat down.

“Thank you,” I muttered.

“You’re welcome,” she said. She turned back to the kitchen door.

“Riley, please don’t leave me. I’m sorry,” I said in a rush, half rising from the table.

“I won’t leave you, Dag,” she said, turning back to me. She came around the table and laid a hand on my shoulder. I looked up at her and took a bite of oatmeal. I didn’t taste it, but it didn’t make a difference. Riley wasn’t leaving. There was no need to panic. The world was slowing back to normal. I was okay. She reached around and straightened my tie, flooding my senses with her fresh clean scent.

“Can I ask you a question, Dag?” she said, sitting across from me.

“That’s one,” I said. “Do you have another?” She smiled.

“Why do you always wear gray suits and white shirts?” she asked. “You have different styles, but they are all gray. All your shirts look the same. You’d look good with a little color on.” This time it was my turn to chuckle. The panic had subsided.

“It’s a big secret,” I said. “I manage to function just like a normal person most of the time, but the fact is I’m colorblind. Not quite completely. I can see a small range of colors, but they are muted and I don’t see colors in the red range at all. I know what colors are there most of the time, but I don’t really see them. I identify colors by what is missing rather than by what I see.”

“Dag, I had no idea!” she exclaimed. “When you commented on my red leather peep-toed pumps with the stacked wooden heel a few weeks ago, do you mean you couldn’t see the color?”

“Red leather peep-toed pumps with the stacked wooden heel,” I repeated. “I’m sure that is not what I said. It was the wrong shade of gray. I knew I had to be missing some of the color information. I merely deduced that it was red. I do it automatically. It’s embarrassing when I’m wrong.”

Riley glanced toward the living room and my one piece of artwork.

“You spend so much time looking at that painting, but you can’t see the colors?” she asked.

“I know they are there,” I said. “Knowing is what’s important.”

We loaded Maizie into Riley’s car and went to the office. I was feeling a lot better.

“I think we should change the passwords,” I said when we got into the office and Maizie had settled into her bed. I looked at her a little enviously.

“Do you think it’s a good idea to change passwords now?” Riley asked. “Maybe we should wait till the end of the month.”

“Why? Because I’m acting irrationally?” I asked.

“No, Dag. I wasn’t implying anything.” I could see that this was going the same direction as our earlier conversation. It was time to nip it in the bud.

“You are right,” I said. “I have been acting irrationally. For some reason, I’m having spells where nothing seems real and I can’t control how I’m responding. It has to be the drugs. So what should we do today instead?”