Chapter 38

“She liked who she was becoming, despite the pain and frustration it brought.”
—B. Barmanbek, Culpa Innata

3 APRIL 2019

I’m too young to fall in love. My inner eighty-year-old continues to tell me that I’m only fifteen and that at least five years will pass before I can even consider a long-term relationship. But my outer teen wants to write poetry and sing love songs.

And I know—absolutely know!—how absurd it is to think of a permanent commitment. One in three marriages end in divorce and the number is rising. The odds against finding my one-and-only soulmate at this stage of my life are astronomical. And still I can’t imagine a future without her.

Oh, I’m a romantic, I am. I want to believe that it’s possible to have a mate—a partner—who is the only desire of your life for fifty or a hundred years. I’ve even known people who were like that but each year I live, the average life expectancy of a relationship decreases by a year.

And I know how this will end. I know we will be separated by forces that we can’t combat and that eventually one of us will say, ‘I’ve found someone new.’ And at that moment, whether it is me who says it or her, my heart will break in pieces. It would be fairer to both of us to have a big fight this afternoon and never see each other again than to watch years of love and hope and expectation built up and then shattered.

But we won’t. I will do anything I can to make this last until I am old and ready, at last, to pass from this earth.

Rachel and I made love almost every day during spring break. And we tried all the things she said we would but, in the end, we made love.

“Rachel, I’ve fallen in love with you,” I confessed as we lay in her bed Wednesday afternoon.

“I’ve heard people are always in love right after great sex,” she sighed.

“I know. I know what I’m saying is dumb for someone my age, but I want to grow old with you. I want to watch our children grow up and marry and give us grandchildren. Even before we made love, I’d fallen in love with you and now I’m afraid for every day in the future. Every day that something might happen to separate us,” I said. She kissed me. I was lost in the touch of her skin against mine. We fit together so well.

“We’re fifteen and sixteen. You are the second boy to have sex with me. Am I the second girl you’ve gone all the way with?” I nodded. “Do you really think there will be no others? What about Joan and Desi?”

“I’d give them up for you without a second’s hesitation,” I said. She pressed her finger against my lips.

“Please don’t ever tell them that. It would hurt them so much,” she said.

“But...”

“No. Listen to me. We stumbled on this by accident. I love you, Jacob. I’m completely in agreement with you there. But that is why Joan and Desi and Beca are so important for us. They are like glue that can hold us together.”

“But they want—or at least Joan and Desi want—sex. I think Beca is only interested in Joan.”

“And me.” I looked at her with my eyes wide open. Beca was interested in Rachel? “But think about it. We’re different ages. Joan has one more year and then she’s off to National Service. I have two more years. You and Beca and Desi have three. We’re all on different timelines. But instead of just being two people dealing with the stress and separation, we have four partners to help us through. And there might be more. If we get upset or possessive or jealous about the thought of having another sex partner, we wouldn’t last through a month of my service. We’d both be wondering if the other was cheating.”

“And this way we’d know it for a fact? I’m not sure that makes sense.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. I just know that I’m not going to stop you having sex with Joan and Desi. Or even Francie if she wants an encore. We have to get used to being away—with someone else—and then coming back together again. If we’re practiced at that, then maybe we can spring back together later, when we’ve truly been separated.”

“I guess I just have old fashioned ideas,” I laughed.

“There is so much about you that’s old fashioned,” she said. “Sometimes you say things and I ask myself ‘Where’d the old fart come from?’ I don’t think that’s the real you, though.”

Oh, God! If she only knew.

“Make love to me again. Then we need to shower and go pick up our girlfriends for dinner.”

“Jesus Christ! Just looking at you two makes my pussy tingle,” Desi said. “You’re fucking each other! You’re really doing it. I lost my chance.”

“Don’t be such a fucking slut,” Joan said. “My chance was coming long before yours. I’m not even going to bother going to prom.”

“Wait!” Rachel shouted at them. “Stop it!” We all looked at her and Beca reached over to take my hand. She was the calmest of everyone at the table and lifted my hand to kiss my fingers. I wondered if she’d already talked to Rachel. “Desi, your auction agreement that we all witnessed says either of you can pull out, so to speak, right up to the moment of penetration. That’s still at least six months away. Why would you want to call off the agreement now instead of waiting until the last possible minute? Anything could happen between now and then. You might get a new boyfriend. Jacob and I could break up. We’re not going to, so stop looking so hopeful. But just because we’re in love and making love doesn’t mean that he won’t still pop your cherry and give you a big tit fuck, too.”

“Really? But why would he do that with you there?”

“Because you’re OUR girlfriend. And we already told you that we were all going to be there to verify that you’re a virgin that first time before we agree that he has to pay up with two weeks of sex slavery to you.”

“Oh, God! I need to change my panties.”

“And you, Joan! Do you think I would let him back out of taking you to prom when I’m planning to ravish Beca that night?” Rachel asked our blonde girlfriend. Beca’s grip on my hand intensified so much it hurt.

“You mean you’re pimping out your boyfriend?” Joan said, a little hurt.

“No, dummy. I’m in love with Jacob and he’s in love with me. But we both love you, too. And you. And you. I plan to spend some special time with Desi’s tits. I’m hoping I’ll get to put my face between your legs, Joan—but I won’t take the first time away from Beca. We might make out a bit, though,” Rachel laughed.

“You mean we’re all in this together?” Joan asked. Beca sighed. She hadn’t said a word so far in this entire exchange.

“Isn’t that the way it’s been since we first got together?” she said. “You three all horned in on my boyfriend. Don’t you remember? Rachel came in and decided to sit with us. Then Joan kept flashing her panties at Jacob until she finally came over and made her intentions even more obvious. We all three went to the Winter Dance. Then, Miss Cosplay dragged her boobs over to our table and put them down right in front of Jacob and suddenly she was part of our group. Jacob and I called you to us. We plan to have you all. Having each other is optional.”

Having what? No. Beca must have meant Rachel, Joan, and Desi having each other was optional. Beca laid her head against my shoulder and I squeezed her hand. This was one of those conversations where I felt my best option was to just shut up and let the girls handle it.

“That’s exactly it,” Rachel said. “We’ve seen it in that Human Geography project you guys have going. Every day the flow is the same. There are little variations as maybe one person splits off from a group and joins a different one. But you don’t see whole groups splintering. If we are all together, there’s a better chance of us staying together as a group than there is of any couple staying together.”

“I think that’s worth a footnote in our paper,” Beca added.

I got to Rachel’s house early enough Thursday morning that I had to wait across the street until her parents had gone to work. Then our time together was hampered by her little brother being home. I only had the morning because I promised Pey and Em I’d go to the mall with them in the afternoon. So, instead, I suggested that Rachel and her brother Richard come over to our house and then we could all go to the mall in the afternoon. Richard was willing enough because he kind of liked Pey. And Pey was always happy to have someone who wasn’t ‘old’ around to play with.