Chapter 56: Waters

We entered August, the last full month of summer, of vacation, and of divine mountain warmth. I spent all my time at Clara’s; Lara increased her hours at the shelter since Chuck hired her more formally and started paying her for her computer work.

Our tent became lived-in and undeniably welcoming the more we used it and adjusted our setup. With Frej’s help, we’d flown an oversized tarp above the area that gave us some dry space around the shelter in times of rain. It remained a heavenly place to sleep. The fresh air seemed to invigorate us both; we rested deeply each and every night, rising earlier and with even more energy for our days.

“Do you need help bringing the refrigerator from the cabin into the trees?” Frej asked me one morning as I sat down to eat breakfast with him.

I laughed as he gave me an amused look. “I do know where I can get enough extension cords,” I joked.

“It is a nice camp,” he said. “If you put down some flat bricks around the entrance of the tent, you will have less trouble with the mud.”

“Yeah, that probably would be cool. Then again, I’m not sure how long we’ll be camping up there. Probably once school starts it’ll just be easier to go back to the cabin.”

Frej shrugged as he used his favorite butter knife on the last bare corner of his toast. “If you do buy the bricks, I will help you carry them up there.”

“Thanks, Frej.”

“Is the flooring work with Clara going well?”

“Yeah, it is. Patrick is cool. We’ve been getting along really well. Luckily, I haven’t messed up anything too badly yet!”

“When will you finish?”

“Sooner than Clara thought. She was worried the beams under the subfloor were going to have to be replaced, which I guess is a big job. But they were solid enough, and it was mostly some cheap floorboards that were the problem.”

“I would like to see how it goes.”

“Sure, come over any time. We’re working on the sprung floor now.”

He raised a brow at me. “What is that?”

“I guess for dancing you want the floor to have some give. So above the subfloor you put some foam blocks and beams, and then another layer of flooring.”

“I understand now,” Frej said, taking a sip of his coffee. “Like a shock absorber. It sounds very intricate.”

“Yeah, every time we work on something, there’s all this little stuff that Patrick says you have to do. Things I’d never have thought of. Like we had to leave a half-inch gap near the walls because the boards can swell with the weather and then they’d warp. And other stuff like that. I’m learning a ton.”

“Will you become a builder?”

I laughed. “Uh, not that I know of. I mean, it’s interesting, but...”

“You are young yet,” he remarked, grinning. “Too soon to decide?”

“Yeah. Really, it’s just what I fell into this summer, doing odd jobs.”

He glanced at me, his eyes flashing. “We both did.”

I sniffed. “Yeah. You’ve been busy around here too, I know.”

Frej let out a rich laugh. “I asked them to put me to work, and they did. But it is good. This way I do not think about the boat very much.”

Or other things...

I nodded slowly. “Do you miss being out on the water?”

He shrugged and rubbed his beard appreciatively. “Less than I thought. Yes, there are parts that I miss. But maybe it was not good to be alone so much.”

“Yeah ... But I happen to know you weren’t alone all the time.”

Frej gave me a sad look. “No, I was not always alone.”

We ate in silence for a little bit.

“Back then, it seemed the best way forward,” he said meaningfully.

“Do you mean ... this last year?” I asked. “Letting her hang out on the boat with you?”

He hesitated. “No. Eighteen years ago.”

I said nothing.

“Did she tell you anything of it?” he asked.

“Not ... really. I just ... I just know that she knows about you, being her father, like—” I trailed off, feeling extremely awkward that so long had gone by with him living here, and the topic had never been broached. “I’m sorry.”

Frej grasped my arm. “Do not be sorry. It is in the open now.”

I nodded slowly. “I didn’t know if it was okay to bring it up.”

He served himself another cup of coffee and then sat back, his long stare taking in the outside world through our picture windows.

“Do you want to know what happened?” he asked.

“I, um ... I don’t need to know, but it’s up to you.”

“It is not a story that I am proud of.”

My stomach twisted a bit at this. “Okay. You don’t have to tell me. I mean, does Heather know all of it?”

He sighed heavily. “Yes.”

I remained quiet, debating. What’s the point in finding out now? We can’t change the past...

I glanced at Frej, his eyes still distant, reminding me of when I stood with him on the bridge of the Valdemar II during our fishing expeditions.

Can’t change the past ... but you might understand the present a little more...

“I’ll listen, if you want to tell me.”

He seemed as if he didn’t hear me. I waited. This can’t be easy... In time, he stood up, gesturing to me with his head. I followed him out to the deck, where we took to the chairs. The day was perfect for my usual walk, but I had a feeling that I’d be driving to Clara’s today, since I was meeting Patrick at a particular hour. I waited patiently, sipping my own coffee as Frej searched his mind for words.

“Aongus was not able to get Mairead with child,” he said quietly. “They had some tests and the doctors said that it was a problem with him.” Frej narrowed his eyes as he continued. “We were out on the boat one day, when Aongus told me of this. And he was very upset, because he and Mairead had decided to use a donor. She wanted a child very much. And Aongus did also, but that day on the boat, he was very much afraid.”

“Of her getting the procedure done?” I asked gently.

Frej shook his head. “No. Having a man who they never met be the father, in that way. Aongus said he was not going to live with himself. But they were planning this for a long time, and he knew Mairead would be very upset if he changed his mind and said no.”

“Even with how he felt?”

Frej sighed. “Mairead wanted nothing more in life than to have a child. Aongus was sure that if he said no, then she would leave him for someone who would let her have this dream.”

I took a deep breath, imagining the scenarios. And they were cousins ... Did that complicate things, make them think it was all wrong? I had no idea if Frej knew this fact, so I didn’t ask.

“Would she really have left him?” I asked.

“I do not know, Matt ... But Aongus was sure of it, and that is all I knew. He was very upset, and we were hours on the water, not fishing, only sitting and sometimes talking ... And ... he said to me, if it had to be someone that was not him...”

Frej trailed off, certainly back on the boat with his friend. I imagined that the tension would have been high.

“If it had to be someone, he wanted it to be you,” I finally murmured, feeling a chill explode through my spine, because I’d heard this very wish spoken aloud once before.

“Yes, that is what he said,” he confirmed. “He was trying to find a way for himself to be happy with it.”

“Frej...”

“Yes?”

“When Heather found out it wasn’t Aongus, before she knew it was you...”

He glanced at me, his eyes not nearly as lively as they usually were.

“She wanted it to be you, too,” I finished.

He took a deep breath, and then nodded. “Thank you for telling me that.”

“She said that she didn’t talk to you about any of this before leaving for Maine. Did you talk to her after?”

Frej huffed and shook his head. “No ... She only left me a letter. But now I know Mairead told her everything. Even the worst parts of it. The parts that she ... that made her—”

The worst parts ... Keeping Heather in the dark about who her father was ... But that’s understandable, in a way, for Aongus’s sake...

“You did the right thing, Frej. Even Heather agreed with Aongus, since she also wanted it to be you. I mean, it sounds like Aongus would never have had kids. So there’s nothing bad about what you did, right?”

He shook his head. “If that was all there was to tell, then I would agree with you. But it is not the end.”

I swallowed. “What do you mean?”

Again some time passed as Frej finished his coffee. He took an empty sip and stared at the residue in the bottom.

“More?” I asked.

He gave a short nod, so I went inside to get us refills. I found Lara in the kitchen, freshly arrived from the cabin where she’d been showering.

“Ready to go?” she chirped.

“No, I’m going to drive today.”

“Lazy butt...”

I gave her a wan smile. “Nah, it’s not that.”

“What’s wrong?” she asked, concern spreading across her face as she noted mine.

“Well, I’m talking to Frej. About, you know...”

“Oh...” she said, glancing outside at where he sat. “Got it.”

“If you want to hang for a bit, we can ride together.”

“That’s okay, I’m looking forward to walking.”

“Then you’ll have to walk alone, sorry.”

She gave me a hug. “It’s not a problem at all, Matt.”

“I’ll tell you about it later, but I feel like it’s not going to be the happiest story. But we’re still in the middle of it, so I don’t know how long I’ll be.”

She nodded. “Okay. Better get back out there then.”

When I returned to the deck, I noticed that Frej’s eyes were slightly red.

I handed his mug to him. “Here you go.”

“Thank you.”

Seated once again, I sighed. “Frej, you don’t have to keep going.”

“No. It is important that I tell you. Then you can understand what happened. Of why she needed time away from us...” After a long sip, Frej huffed and then continued. “On the boat, Aongus asked me to think on it ... Think if I would be the person they used. I did not have to think. I told him at once that I would do it. And as you say, maybe that would have been well enough if we had not been stupid.”

“What do you mean?”

Frej sighed heavily. “We did not tell anyone else.”

Anyone? I shuddered. “You mean you didn’t tell M—” But I stopped, because I couldn’t voice it. Oh my god...

“No, we did not tell anyone. It was ... my fault. I take responsibility. Aongus was certain he could convince Mairead that she should let me to do this for them, but I asked him to wait to tell her.”

“Why?”

He sighed heavily. “After I was on the boat with Aongus, I went home and began to tell Elise of what was happening with them and what they planned to do. Before I told her what he asked of me, she said that she found their idea to be an unnatural thing. To have a baby in that way ... Elise was very old-fashioned, and it was clear that she would never support it. And I knew she would never agree for me to do it, before I told her of what Aongus asked me.”

I was feeling extremely uneasy at Frej’s story as it unfolded. It was such a far cry from the excitement of hearing about shark fishing. But he was a potent storyteller even now, and the details were unfolding with some sense of dread.

“I went to Aongus to tell him that I could not help him, that I had to say no because Elise would not hear of it. I planned to say this, but when we met on the boat, he was so happy that I was agreeing to do it ... He was crying. The only time I have seen him cry. He was going to have a child with Mairead, and he was going to know that the father was a good man, his best friend ... We were still partners back then, and we spent more time with each other than with our wives. I wanted—”

Frej paused, his voice hoarse. Even the coffee wasn’t helping anymore.

“I could not tell him that I had to change my answer,” he continued. “I told him I would do it, but only if he never told anyone it was me. Not to Mairead, and especially not to Elise.”

I let a shudder rip through me, crushed by this admission. “I’m so sorry, Frej,” I whispered. “That sounds like the hardest position to ever be in.”

“Yes, there was no good choice. To say no to my good friend could mean the end of his marriage ... and to say yes, the end of mine.”

“So you decided to do the right thing for Aongus, but the wrong thing for you.”

“We agreed that the donor could be any man on earth. It could be me, then. By chance. We would not know who it was, if it was another man ... Then why did we have to know that it was me? It was the same, we said. This is how we believed our mistake was a good one to make ... I went to the doctor and Aongus arranged it, I do not know how. In a few months, Mairead was with child.”

With Heather ... My god... My heart wrenched as I wondered what she must have thought of all this. That her conception had been so convoluted and under such stressful circumstances... Too much...

“When did Mairead find out?” I asked after a period of anxious quiet. “I mean, she’s known for a long time, right?”

Frej nodded. “Her pregnancy was difficult, and she began to doubt what they chose to do. She was feeling the problem that Aongus had, about using a stranger for a donor ... It started to grow in her thinking, in the middle of the pregnancy. And Elise did not know my part, but she knew Mairead had done the procedure. She and Mairead were very close friends, but Elise told her firmly that she was not in agreement with her choice. Very firmly.”

“Wow ... That’s rough.”

“Elise was not one to stay quiet when she had a strong belief. But Mairead was already having doubts when Elise talked to her about this, and this made it worse. She was trying to help, how she thought she could. But it was not a help. Soon it became too difficult for Mairead to accept what was happening. She was in a bad way for a time, with pain and all types of sickness. Aongus came to me, begging that I let him tell her the truth, because Mairead was suffering very much in her head ... She was not eating, and the baby was unwell from it and the doctors said that they were both in danger.”

I was trying hard to keep it together now, my insides a mess of hollow feelings I hadn’t felt in a long while.

“I cannot tell you the next part, Matt, because I have tried very hard to forget it. But it is enough to say that Aongus and I both went to our wives and told them what we did. And the result...” Frej sighed unsteadily. “It was not good for anyone.”

I wiped at my eyes now, seeing myself standing unsteadily back near our old swimming hole on a night some three months earlier, when a girl I knew had to go away, carrying the knowledge of all of this with her...

On top of everything else she was dealing with...

Please, please let her be okay right now...

“After that, everything changed,” Frej muttered, his voice empty. “Elise took it the hardest, that I had done this ... That I was becoming a father with Mairead before her ... And that I did it in secret, even though I knew that it wasn’t what Elise thought was natural.”

I realized I was extremely tense, so I tried to relax into the chair.

Frej took a long breath. “Mairead was angry with everyone, but by fortune she found her strength and began to eat and feel better. Aongus opened the market and stopped working with me on the boat.”

“Why would he do that, after everything you did for him?” I asked, feeling upset at this.

“Because he wanted me to close the charter business.”

“That’s terrible!” I cried hoarsely. “He was in on the decision too; why was he mad at you?”

Frej eyed me. “No, he was trying to help me, because Elise went back to Denmark to live with her family to recover from the stress, and to decide...” He swallowed hard. “To decide if she would still be my wife. As I said, she was old-fashioned, and separating from a husband was also an unnatural thing for her, even after what I did. Aongus opened the market because he thought I would stop doing the charters and go to be with Elise ... Go to her and try to fix my mistake with her. He was trying to help me.”

I sat back, a sense of relief fighting to make itself felt amidst the maelstrom of sad thoughts that whirled around.

“Did it work?” I asked quietly.

“Yes. I put the Valdemar for sale and it was not long before someone bought it and ... sailed it away. I bought my ticket to Denmark ... And I closed up my business.”

Frej was silent for a very long time.

“But you didn’t go,” I finally said.

After a moment, he gave a short shake of his head, a reflexive motion. “I did not.”

I sorted through the puzzle pieces that had been presented to me. He gave up on Elise? Did he too disappear, maybe even up to Birgitte’s place?

Then I looked at the man and found that his blue eyes were fully wet now. But more importantly, they possessed a familiar complexity. Abruptly, the correct piece fell into place. So obvious...

I swallowed. “Because Heather was born.”

He remained immobile and silent, the vision of a newborn girl clearly in his thoughts. His daughter...

“Frej, I can’t even imagine what that must have been like.”

He turned to look right at me. “When I saw Heather ... For the first time in my life I understood what love was. I saw what I did was terrible, but also that it was ... incredible. There were many dark times after that, because finding the love of Heather also showed me how much I loved Elise. And how much I had done wrong, in many ways. I will not speak of that, but I sent a letter to her in Denmark, with hope that she would return.”

I remained still, since I already knew how this next part of the story ended. “Frej, you don’t have to tell me anymore,” I said quietly. “I know she came back.”

He waved his hand vaguely. “No, I will finish, so you can see everything for what it is. Elise found out about the cancer in Denmark. Very soon she returned to America to have the treatment in New York. We moved closer to the city, and I tried to talk to her. But she was angry with herself and what she did. She said that the cancer was punishment for how she treated Mairead during the pregnancy, and how she caused such stress in the situation...”

“Oh no...”

“It was a bad time. When we visited Montauk, Mairead would not speak to Elise. I did everything I could to help my wife feel better. I bought a new boat, and we sailed out often on the waters. She liked the wind in her hair, and the sea gave her comfort.”

I was a wreck; my long-held ideas of Frej’s fond memories of his times out on the waves with his wife and the Martins were all shattered now. It was all just a mask...

“After some time, Elise had another scan. She...” Frej stared into the sky for a while, his jaw twitching. “The doctors said she would not live very long, as the cancer was a bad one and had moved to many places in her body. We ... moved back ... to Montauk. She wanted to be there, when...”

I closed my eyes, flooded with sadness for what Frej had carried for so long.

“Did she and Mairead make peace?” I rasped.

“Yes,” Frej responded, his voice barely sounding. “Yes, Mairead forgave her, and Elise made peace with everyone. Because when at last Elise saw Heather...”

I glanced at the seaman, his eyes completely aglow with emotion.

She also fell in love...

The work with Patrick started wrapping up. We’d laid out the last sections of vinyl marley floor covering and the edges of the room were baseboarded and painted. With the raising of the floor level due to the thicker sprung system, we’d built a slight ramp at the entrance to the studio to avoid having a small step there that everyone would trip on. A few small details were all that remained.

Feeling more confident in my building skills and spurred by the construction of that little incline, I took a detour on the way home one evening. I soon came upon the lovely Hazel Hammond working in her picturesque garden. But unfortunately, this randomly laid plan didn’t work out, for there was already a ramp installed on the left half of her porch stairs.

“Good evening, Mrs. Hammond,” I called out.

She put a hand to her eyes to block out the angled sunlight, and then stood up once she recognized me. “Oh, hi there! How are you doing?”

“Good, thanks. I came to check if you still needed the ramp built. Obviously not, though!”

She nodded as she came close, brushing dirt from her hands. “Yes, I had to get it done. Joseph is coming to visit!”

“Oh, that’s good news, I hope?”

She smiled warmly. “Yes, it is. Still getting the place ready for him, but it’s close now.”

“It’s looking really nice,” I said, before glancing around the side of the house. “How about those dead limbs, though?”

She rolled her eyes. “I swear...”

“Let me take care of it,” I offered. “Please. I can knock it out right now. I have a little time.”

“No, it’s ridiculous, really. He spends all his time in the basement when he comes to visit, making a terrible racket.”

I laughed. “A racket? I don’t think it’s that bad!”

She smiled a little. “Well, whenever I see that wood sitting there, it might as well be awful noise to me.”

“Fair enough. Well, if you really don’t need my help, then I’m going to head home for dinner and a swim. I’m really happy that you’ll have Joseph here soon.”

Hazel nodded and started to speak, but she was interrupted by the front door clacking open. We both turned as a young man emerged onto the freshly painted porch, soda in hand, and bandana in his pocket. He was a good-looking guy, much as Hazel was a good-looking woman. That kind of thing passes through the genes, of course.

“Hey Skinner,” I greeted casually. “What’s up?”

He stared at me for a long moment. “What are you doing here?”

“I was just walking by and saw your mom in the garden, so I stopped to say hi.”

“You two know each other?” Hazel asked me.

“Of course,” I replied simply. “Our bands played a few shows together this year.”

Hazel’s eyes widened as she examined me, as if for the first time. “Wait ... The park concert?”

I shrugged. “Yeah, that was one of them.”

As she gaped at me, processing the unexpected recognition that flooded into her, Skinner walked down the ramp and came near.

“How do you know my mom?” he asked, deceptively nonchalant.

I hesitated, so Hazel answered first, despite still staring at me with a dazed look.

“Dwayne here painted the porch for—”

Skinner coughed up his soda in a fit. “What did you just call him?”

Uh oh...

She frowned. “Dwayne?”

“His name’s Matt!” Skinner blurted out.

Hazel glanced at me, and I smiled sheepishly.

“Well, people also call me that too,” I said.

Now Skinner looked confused.

“Honestly, I’m not big on names,” I added. “You can call me whatever you want.”

I felt a slight twinge, since my frivolous summer baptisms were now surfacing as suspicions on the face of Hazel’s son. His eyes narrowed at me.

Fucking Skin—No ... I shouldn’t say that. That’s unfair.

“Is your name Dwayne, or Matt?” Hazel asked.

“Uh ... Technically, it’s Matt?”

“What are you doing, man?” he asked, coming even closer.

“Nothing, I was just messing around,” I said quietly.

“By giving people fake names? So, what, are you here because you changed your mind about getting paid for the work?” he pressed. “Because that’s not—”

I grimaced, shaking my head as he got animated. “No, not at all! I was just on my way home, and I wanted to check if the ramp was built yet. I swear.” I turned to his mom. “And I’m sorry about the name. Just some dumb thing that ... I don’t even know. I’m sorry.”

There was an awkward moment, but then Hazel started laughing as she patted my arm rather affectionately. “You really are funny!”

“If you say so,” I muttered, feeling completely foolish. “Anyway, um ... I better get home for dinner. Sorry again.”

She kept her hand on my arm, so I looked at her.

“Before you go,” she said, “I want you to know I donated the money, to a charity for wounded vets. I hope that’s okay.”

“That ... sounds perfect.”

“But I feel bad, now,” she said, smiling amusedly. “I put it under the name of Dwayne!”

I shrugged a little. “That’s perfect, too.”

“Thank you. It means a lot to me, what you did. And the porch looks beautiful.”

I nodded briefly. “Take care, Mrs. Hammond.”

“Goodbye, Matthew.”

I shared a grin with her. “Bye ... And I’ll see you around, Skinner.”

He only glared at me as I walked away. I calmed myself with each step, as once again I’d let myself get the worst of things.

Fucking Dwayne...

I wasn’t far away when I heard quickening footsteps behind me on the sidewalk. I braced myself, hoping I’d get away with just a rough shove, and maybe a rip in my overalls. They were getting a bit thin in the knee area, after all, so it wouldn’t take much. Then again, if his mom was still looking on, perhaps I’d escape unharmed for now. Physically, anyway.

“Hey, dude! Whatever your name is.”

I slowed and turned. “Like I said, I’m sorry.”

He waved my apology away. “Look, I know you pretty much hate me, and you probably wish you never painted the porch now that you found out she’s my mom. But it’s...”

“I knew she was your mom.”

“ ... fucking weird that—What?”

“I knew she was your mom before I painted the porch. I saw you in the pictures on her fridge, the first day I was here.”

“You ... did?”

I nodded.

Skinner scrunched his face up. “And you still did the work?”

“I needed the money,” I shrugged, trying to cut through with a lame joke.

“Which you didn’t even keep?” He eyed me again. “Jesus, can you stop fucking around for one minute, man? I’m not a huge fan of smart-asses. Like, not a fan at all. What the hell is going on?”

“Fine.” I sighed. “You want some truth?”

“Finally!”

“Then here it is. I’m sorry I was such a prick to you, Skinner.”

He recoiled at this. “You’resorry?”

“I had no idea, about your brother Joseph. What you and your family were going through with that. I’m not going to lie, you did some stuff I didn’t like. The thing at the band battle, fine, that was just a dumb contest. But the stuff with Pete, that wasn’t cool.”

Skinner kicked at the dirt, suddenly subdued. “Pete ... Yeah, well, it was a bad time,” he said slowly. “That was during the worst of my brother’s recovery. He picked up an infection and it looked bad for him. I was really fucked up around then, man.”

“I bet.”

“I don’t remember a lot of that week, when I got kicked out of the band. Pete was going crazy since the park show, and I was just frustrated with those guys because they were acting so weird about everything. So yeah, I kind of got tired of his shit that day, and I think...” He glanced at his mom, who had returned to gardening but was clearly keeping an eye on us. Then he leaned close and spoke quieter. “I think I was high and strung out on dope twenty-four-seven that week, man. I don’t remember much, like I said. I wasn’t trying to make him do something stupid, you know? I didn’t know what was going on with him, and honestly he was acting really crazy that day.”

“I know he was. And look, what’s done is done. Pete’s doing a lot better, for now anyway, and no, his issue isn’t your fault. Listen, I don’t want to take up your whole day here, so I’ll just say it again. I’m sorry for any shit I gave you. I could’ve done way better.”

Skinner seemed unsure how to respond. At last he nodded. “All right, but I was never pissed at you, you know? It’s funny, because of all the people in your band, I actually figured that you were the one that hated me the least.”

“No one hated you, Skinner. But if you think about it, the first time we saw you, you kicked our ass at the auditions, and the second time was you winning the band battle because you got your friends to pack out Jonah’s place ... Plus you’re a really good singer and guitarist, so you kind of turned into the competition, you know?”

He rolled his eyes. “Oh, I get it, dude. You guys aren’t the first people to hate me, believe me. It’s the fucking story of my life, for some reason.”

For some reason... I had to grin. Yeah, just can’t quite figure out why...

“Anyway, like I said, it’s in the past,” I continued. “I’m not dwelling on it.”

“All right, I’m down with that. And uh, hey, thanks ... for what you did with my mom.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

He raised a warning brow at me.

Oops... !

“The money,” he said firmly. “And making the place look even nicer for Joe.”

“What did you call him?” I blurted out, in spite of myself.

He frowned. “Joe?”

“His name’s Joseph!” I said, with mock horror.

Skinner took a second to get the joke, but then he sniggered. “All right, fair enough, Dwayne,” he said dramatically, waving his hands. “My mom always calls us by our full names. Like, I’m Jonathan to her. Still sounds weird as hell when she says it. ‘Jonathan!’” he imitated, rolling his eyes. “No one else calls me that. I don’t know, I guess she’s old-fashioned that way.”

“She’ll probably agree with you on that. It’s in her name, you know?”

Skinner just frowned this time, since he didn’t get that joke. Oh well ... Kids these days...

“Anyway,” I pressed on, “I’m going to head home.”

“All right. And hey ... I never thought I’d ask you this, after everything that happened, but if you ever want to jam...” He shrugged.

“I might be up for that,” I replied slowly. “Maybe ... But only after school gets started again, because I’ve been taking a break from it for now.”

“That’s cool. You know I don’t go to school here, but I come up to visit my mom all the time, so we can figure something out ... If you want.”

“Right on. And by the way, you can still play music with someone you don’t like. That’s what Gwen says, anyway.”

Skinner smirked. “Oh, so you don’t like her either, huh?”

I made a face. “What? No, I fucking love her. It’s Gwen that hates me!”

His eyes widened. “You mean it’s not just me then?”

“Well, she’s never punched me ... Not yet anyway, but...”

Skinner was laughing now. “That girl has got some serious mojo.”

“She’s definitely not going to take any prisoners on her way to the top.”

“Yeah, and she’s good enough to maybe get there,” he agreed.

“For sure. I don’t know, maybe there’s a new band between all of us here, somehow.”

He snorted. “I really doubt Gwen would play with me, no matter what she says about it.”

“Well, we’ll see. And if not, Carl’s gotten really good this year,” I remarked. “Heck, maybe we’ll use two drummers, take over Green Space since they’re all graduating, and play some jam band stuff.”

For a moment I laughed at the absurdity of Lara and me playing in a band with Gwen, Skinner and Carl. Now if only Brian from Montauk plays bass and Ronnie Starr plays keyboards...

Skinner eyed me. “I’d go for that, but Gwen would never play that ancient music.”

“Oh shit, you’re right! I totally forgot!”

“You guys had a cool sound going with the Irish kids.”

I stared out at the dark green mountains in the distance. “Yeah, well that’s over now. That band was ... a rogue wave. Anyway, look, we can figure it out some other time. I’m about to starve to death and I have plans tonight in the woods, so I’m out.”

“Wait, there’s a party up at the Ledges tonight?”

I almost said ‘yes’ ... Almost. Be nice, fool...

“Nah, a private thing ... At a resort, I guess.” I grinned and then gave him a nod. “I’ll see you around, Skinner.”

We exchanged a handshake that he made far more complicated than necessary, but all right: it was fucking Skinner, after all.

Then I walked on.

Not bad. No rip in the knee, and maybe a few holes stitched up, even. Could’ve been way worse...

“So what are you doing next at Clara’s?” Lara asked me.

“Nothing for now. I mean, I’ll be there for a few hours tomorrow morning to wrap things up. But the floor is done and so are the terraces. Maybe she’ll have some odds and ends for me to do until school starts.”

“How much are you going to make from the floor job?”

I sighed as I rolled over in my sleeping bag. “Probably too much. But I said I’d accept whatever she felt was fair. Problem is, Clara is way too generous!”

“You’ll just have to make up for it by working for free around town again!” she teased.

“Exactly. But even doing that I’ve made way more money than I thought. Anyway, I’ve really missed playing Joe these last couple of weeks, despite what happened with Skinner’s mom today. I think after tomorrow I’ll get back to it.”

“Just don’t get beat up.”

“Oh, stop it. Skinner’s not going to beat me up.”

“Not anymore. He just wants to play in a band with us because we’re cool now,” she said, laughing.

“Um ... whatever!”

“Do you want to get high?” she asked abruptly.

“Sure.”

Lara reached over into a small sack and pulled out a lighter and flicked it near the tip of a joint.

“Um ... Are we smoking inside the tent?”

“Why not? We’ll get really ripped that way!”

The glow of the flame cast the canvas walls into dim light as Lara brought the bone to life. We each took a few hits in silence as the space filled up with the smoke.

“Nice ashtray,” I remarked, as she flicked the burnt end into a misshapen clay bowl.

“I knew when I made this thing in third grade art class that I’d be in a tent with you someday, getting blazed!”

“You are so ridiculous ... Oh, by the way, I talked to Alana yesterday,” I said.

“Oh yeah? Can we finally invite her over for some fun now that you’re not so busy?” she asked with more than a little suggestiveness in her voice.

I sniffed. “That was quick.”

“What?”

“The pot made you horny in two minutes flat.”

“Who says that’s my first joint!”

I sniggered. “Ah, of course. I should’ve known ... Well, we could ask her over, but I don’t think she’ll come.”

“Why not?”

“She’s seeing someone.”

“Are you serious?” Lara whined, her tone sagging. “Who?”

“Someone else who’s a big fan of ours.”

“Skinner?”

I guffawed. “Come on, that’s not going to happen again.”

Lara was quiet for a bit. “Hayley?”

“Mmm ... Hadn’t thought of that! But no.”

“Wait, Jonah?”

“Yep.”

“I didn’t think that would be possible either.” She took a large hit. “How did that ever happen?”

“She’s been doing the Miss Ellie thing, and one thing led to another ... I guess it’s been building up for a while.”

“She didn’t tell you about it when you were camping?”

I laughed. “Sort of, but not exactly. They got a lot more serious after I was there.”

“I guess she won’t be playing Miss Ellie anymore,” Lara quipped. “Or it’ll be much tamer at least.”

“Heh, maybe ... But with Jonah and Alana, who the heck knows!”

“Nah, she’ll be the Queen of the Castle now...” Lara finished the joint and flicked the end outside of the tent flap. “Is it serious?”

“Beats me. But she seemed pretty serious about it when she told me.”

“Oh well ... There goes that idea.”

“You sound a bit desperate,” I teased.

“I am. And I’m not sure why you’re so fricking calm about it. You haven’t gotten laid in months. At least I had a go with Tommy to keep me sane.”

I chuckled. “True. But obviously that’s worn off, you crazy sis.”

“You know, you really should have gotten it out of your system when you were camping with Alana,” she remarked. “I still can’t believe you turned her down.”

“I think I’ll survive. Sounds like you won’t, though. What are you going to do now? Bust out the baby wipes?”

“Shut up.”

The sounds of the night filled the silence for a time, dominated by the Roe’s song and caressed by the rustle of leaves.

“What would you do if she showed up here right now?” I asked quietly.

“Who, Alana?”

“No.”

“Oh...” Lara said, more quietly. “You mean ... Wait, you’re not trying to tell me something, are you?”

“No, Lara. You think I’d be sitting here calmly if I knew something like that?”

“I don’t know. You’ve been super chill this summer,” she remarked.

“Well, it’s not anything real. I’m just asking you a hypothetical question. What would happen?”

“She wouldn’t survive the night, that’s what!”

I sniggered at her enthusiasm. “You have it that bad, huh?”

“Yeah ... Ugh. Now I wish I hadn’t smoked again. It’s unbearable.”

“Oh, just get out the wipes. You haven’t done that in a while. Not around me, anyway. So go for it.”

She huffed. “Well ... it’s a bit ... different, now.”

“How so?” I asked, feeling the high start to penetrate my senses fully. I heard her shift in her sleeping bag.

“Because what does it mean?” she said softly. “When it’s just the two of us, like it is now? I mean, when it’s three of us, I can see it. I know how it could work. But in between ... You and me, what are we?”

I took a deep breath. “Have you changed how you feel about me? About us?”

“Not at all,” she breathed.

“Me neither.”

“But as far as that stuff goes...” she mused, “I still don’t know exactly what it means.”

“Well, here’s a question for you. What’s it like when two people are together, like say Alice and her guy?”

“Well, they do stuff to each other, obviously.”

“Like what?”

“Like the stuff you write down in your sex notebook,” she replied.

I guffawed. “Man, I forgot about that thing! I knew I should’ve buried it in the box.”

Lara giggled. “Okay, so they have sex and everything. What’s your point?”

“Well, what does Alice do when they’re apart? If she’s horny when she’s home alone?”

“Watches porn and gets herself off?”

I groaned. “Damn it, I knew I should’ve picked someone besides Alice!”

“Yeah, probably,” Lara agreed. “But actually, she probably thinks about you when she does her thing.”

“What!” I cried.

“She thinks you’re kind of hot, you know.”

I had to laugh. “Only ‘kind of’ ... Too bad, otherwise she could’ve been the one to join us for some Truth!”

Lara giggled. “She’d go for it with you, but she’s all about the guys, Matt. I couldn’t be a part of it.”

“You could watch,” I teased.

Lara only splashed me.

“Anyway! As I was saying, when Alice and her guy are apart, they can only do their own thing. And when they’re together, they do stuff to each other. That’s what I’m getting at.”

“But we’re together right now. Are you saying ... you want us to do stuff to each other?”

I sighed. “Turn on the light, will you?”

She rummaged around near the end of the tent and then flicked on the lantern.

I rolled over to my side. “Lara, we’re not all together now. We’re just part of it ... That’s the point. You and me, we’re like one thing. Remember how you said when you were jealous of me and Heather, it was because you wanted to be me, not her?”

“Yeah,” she replied quietly.

“And then it got messed up and weird because I thought I felt the same way, but then that somehow meant I would have to be into Pete?”

“Yeah, kind of?”

“Well, I’m still not into Pete, but the rest of that was true ... Or, it is true ... I wanted to be a part of what you were feeling. Not because of him, but because of you.”

Lara sat up now, her expression furrowing. “I forgot about that...”

I hummed. “Really? That’s crazy, because you were so damn sure of it that night in the cabin.”

“I just remember the feel of that night, now ... Being so close to you, and having so much hope for us and that crazy thing we called Truth ... Then we had to bury all that stuff, and it felt like a dream for a while ... Then it faded, and even went all wrong...”

I took her hand in mine. “Well, unbury it, Lara. Rewind it all, because we did have it right, for a few minutes that night, anyway. We are two of the same. Like I told you when we buried that box, it’s what I want the most. To share myself with you. And part of that is going to be, you know ... sharing the physical stuff. Not because I want us to be together in that way, but because I want to share that part of us with each other. To know how you feel, and vice versa.”

She swallowed. “I feel that way too, Matt ... But there’s still a part of me that worries.”

“About what?” I asked gently.

“About how it all works. Even if we aren’t together in that way, we’re still in love ... Is that even allowed? Are we doing the right thing?”

“Right thing for who? Us? Or everyone else out there?”

She nodded but said nothing.

I smiled at her. “So this summer, I’ve spent as much time as I can focusing on my work and everything, and just enjoying what I was doing. Like walking into town with you in the mornings, just looking at what’s around me. But it’s funny because my mind always ends up wandering to certain other things. And one of the things I’ve kept thinking about was how all these names we have for stuff ... They’re pointless. What we call one thing and say is awesome, or terrible, well, other people call it something else and say it’s the opposite. And I know there’s stuff that’s just plain wrong, like hurting people ... I’m not saying that anything goes.”

Lara was listening intently, and I slid a little closer to her. “But what I am saying is that our thing might be weird, and some people will call it wrong ... Sure, you’re my half-sister, and I might even sort of have a step-sister in a roundabout way, and who knows what else people would say about our folks and Frej ... But those are just names for things, and they don’t have anything to do with the way I feel about the real me. The real us ... Because to me, it’s just love. You’re someone I love, plain and simple. And as long as you’re wanting to share yourself with me, then I’m willing to listen, and I don’t care about the rest.”

She leaned forward and took me into a tight hug. “Matt ... That’s beautiful ... And I do want that. I know it won’t be easy, because nothing good ever is, but I don’t want to care about the rest. And like you told me the other day, don’t give up on me either, ever. Okay?”

“That’s a deal ... And no, it won’t be easy. But I’ve realized something, after being Joe for the last month.”

“What’s that?”

“I don’t want to be the real Matt to anyone except the people I love,” I murmured into her ear. “And that might make it all easier.”

Lara nodded against my shoulder. “I get that. But it sounds a lot like masks, though.”

I sniffed. “I thought you didn’t like that word anymore.”

“And I thought you didn’t want to wear them ever again.”

“And I’ve learned it’s impossible not to wear them ... except, not with you. That was the mask that mattered most to get rid of. The rest ... I can live with those, but not with having any between us.”

She squeezed me tighter. “Oh, I love you so much.”

“Me too, Lara.”

We held each other for a time, energetic waves flowing through and between us. When at last we separated, I felt a bit lightheaded.

“I don’t mean to bring this up again,” she said, “but I want to make sure. You’re really not jealous about Tommy and me getting together?”

“No, Lara, I’m not.”

She gave me a small smile. “Do you want to hear about it, then?”

“If you want to tell me, then sure.”

“Okay.”

“But first,” I said, “would you be jealous if I hooked up with someone?”

She laughed a little, narrowing her eyes at me. “No ... But why are you smiling like that?”

“Like what?” I protested, even as I smiled ‘like that’.

She let her probing gaze search me for another moment before settling back again. “I wouldn’t be jealous. I mean, I hope I’d actually be there with you, obviously! But for now, if it can’t be like that, then at least ... I’d want to hear about it! Relive it through you.”

“You realize that won’t work if we get serious with someone?”

Lara nodded solemnly. “I know ... Unless we get serious with someone together.”

“Yeah,” I whispered. “But for now, let’s not worry about any of that.”

“Okay ... Do you still want to hear about Tommy?”

“Sure ... So, the night of the dance, huh?” I teased.

Lara smiled a bit shyly. “Yeah. It’s pretty tame, really.”

“I’m more interested in how it ended up happening,” I admitted.

“Oh, okay ... Well, I think we were both freaking out a bit that our time together was running out. When we were at the Fling, during a slow dance, he asked me who my songs were about. And I actually told him.”

“About Truth? Or just ... Heather?”

“Just Heather ... That I have feelings for her.”

I took a long breath. “And what did he say?”

“We were so deep into working on Other Side by then and from everything we talked about while working on the lyrics, I think he already knew. So he wasn’t too surprised. I got a little nervous, so I babbled on about how it was something that had to be secret because of how weird it was to most people, and how it wasn’t even really something that ever was happening. So I went on about it a little too much, probably.”

“But he kept dancing with you, so that’s something.”

“Yeah, he did. And that’s when he told me point blank that he felt that way about me.”

“The daughter of Leo-something-something, huh?”

Lara laughed quietly. “Yeah, I guess it was already obvious that day too, right?”

“And even before that,” I added, grinning.

“Well, that night he admitted it straight up. And like I said, we both realized that it was now or never.”

“What did you say back to him?”

Lara smiled coyly. “I asked him if he thought you could have feelings for more than one person ... And he said he didn’t know, because I was the first person he’d ever had those feelings about. But then he said, ‘If you’re meaning to tell me you have feelings for me too, lass, then I’ll believe in anything you want!’”

I laughed. “I can totally hear him saying that...”

“Yeah, typical, right? Anyway, we were dancing there, and suddenly it was like everything was finally in the open. And I think we both knew what was going to happen later in the room.”

“So he wasn’t actually tired when we got back to the cabin,” I teased.

“No, not especially.”

“Wow ... I’m, uh...”

Lara pouted slightly. “Feeling weird now?”

“No, not at all! I’m actually really happy you told me, because that sounds like such a cool feeling you two shared. You know I had moments like that with Muireann, and they were incredible, to feel so close to her. So yeah, I’m glad to hear this, because I feel even better about their visit.”

She caressed my hand. “It was a good feeling,” she agreed. “And yeah ... Once we said goodnight to you and Miss Miri, it was pretty obvious what we wanted to do.”

“Was it his first time?”

“Yeah, for sure. But it wasn’t really about that, you know? I don’t remember exactly what we did, so I can’t give you every detail, but we—”

“I don’t even need to know, Lara ... You’ve told me the best part of it already.”

She breathed deeply. “Yeah ... Maybe you’re right.”

“You know, we really should look into the exchange program and see when we need to sign up.”

“You really think we can go?” Lara asked quietly.

“What would stop us? I’m sure Moms wouldn’t say no.”

“It’s probably expensive. And we’re not using the fund, unless you’re changing your mind?”

“I’m not. But I have my own travel fund in my closet right now, and I have a feeling it’s about to get a lot bigger tomorrow. And you have some money from the shelter, and I’m sure Moms would contribute if we still need more.”

She smiled with reserved excitement. “I mean, that would be amazing...”

“And who knows, maybe we’re even meant to be with—”

Lara frowned at me when I trailed off. “What were you going to say?”

“Oh, nothing. Just that the future is wide open, you know?”

She gazed at me for a long time, and then nodded. “Yeah, it really is. But together, we’ll figure it out, right?”

I grinned. “And ain’t that the Truth?”

The next afternoon, I arrived home from my wanderings to find Melissa and Sarah flipping through a book.

“Whoa, is that... ?” I asked, rushing over.

It was indeed. Garden of Forks...

My moms and I spent a good while going through the final product, a decided labor of love by so many people. The pictures were gorgeous, and I couldn’t wait for Shannon to see how it all had turned out.

“Has Lara seen this?” I asked.

“Yes, she came home an hour ago.”

“Nice. Well, Mom, this is fantastic. It came out really great!”

“Thanks, sweetie,” Melissa said, her eyes shimmering.

“So what’s next?”

She laughed. “Sleep ... And hope that it sells a few copies!”

“I’m sure New York City will be calling soon,” I quipped.

She rolled her eyes. “I don’t think so. But if some people find something interesting in it, then I’ll be happy enough.”

“Cool. All right, I’m going to find Lara, take a swim. You know, the usual! Congrats again, Mom.”

We passed around hugs, and then I stopped by my room to dump a giant wad of cash into my jar. After staring at the full container for a long moment, I shut the door and set the uncounted stash out of my mind. In another few minutes I reached the pool, where Lara was lying in the mud sunbathing.

“How was your day?” she asked as she heard me approach.

“Pretty laid back for a change! And made even better by seeing Mom’s book.”

“Awesome, isn’t it?”

Lara slid into the pool as I waded in, and we settled on the side near the cascade, where the water was coolest. The afternoon was fantastically warm.

“Get into any trouble today?” she asked.

“Nah, just finished up at Clara’s.”

“You said you’d just be there for a couple of hours. I waited for you, then figured you forgot about me.”

“Pfft, I’d never do that. But okay, it took a little longer. There was some extra chatting, you know. And on the way home, um ... well, I stopped by Hazel’s house again.”

Lara sniggered. “You just can’t stay away from that woman.”

“I was thinking about what you said, about, you know ... Getting it out of my system. And I figured she was maybe lonely.”

She gave me a very dubious frown.

“What?” I protested. “She’s divorced, her one son is missing his leg, and her other son is Skinner! Can’t be an easy life to deal with.”

“Mm hmm ... So Hazel was feeling extra lonely today, huh?”

“She has needs too, you know.”

“I’m sure,” she drawled.

“She does. And so ... I helped her out.”

She rolled her eyes, much like Muireann might have. “Did you, now? And how many times—wait, let me guess: seven?”

“No, come on, no one does that. It was just once.”

“Whatever.”

“She was alone when I stopped by. It was just to say hi, but she asked me to come inside, for some lemonade, you know, and then she just started kissing me. She’s really trying to keep it together, since her son is coming to stay with her, you know. She’s a nervous wreck, and she needed something to take her mind off it all.”

Lara was laughing freely. “Whatever! You are such a faker.”

“I’m serious!” I pressed. “I mean, she’s always looked at me in a certain kind of way, so I wasn’t completely sure, but I wasn’t surprised either. Like, a few weeks ago when I finished painting her porch, she rubbed my arm kind of funny. I figured it was just her being extra friendly, but I guess it was more than that after all. And I didn’t start it, just so you know. Literally, I went inside with her for the drink, and she just turned and kissed me, right in the front room there. I almost stopped her, but she seemed so, like ... I don’t know ... delicate, in a way? But that’s not really the right word. She just needed some escape, I guess. Like we all do sometimes ... To put all the crazy stuff aside for a little while and just have some damn fun for a change,” I finished, my voice quiet. “So I did, because I needed it too.”

Lara stared at me for a long time. “You’re really serious?”

I nodded. “Dead serious, Lara. We ended up on her bed, did our thing, and then I left.”

She gaped at me.

“What?” I asked.

“Why would you even do that?” she asked.

I winced, wondering if there wasn’t a touch of jealousy in her tone after all.

“Like I said ... She seemed a bit desperate to let go for a little while.”

“I can see why she would do it,” Lara said softly. “But why did you?”

“Why not? I mean, she’s a good-looking woman and pretty hot, so that part of it was easy to be into. But it didn’t mean anything, like, in the big picture ... Hey, don’t give me that look! You even told me I should’ve hooked up with Alana when I had the chance. So I didn’t stop Hazel. In fact, the whole time she was kissing me I literally was hearing your voice in my head, saying that I needed to get it out of my system. And I know you’re always right!”

“Jeez, Matt...”

“Relax. Like I said, it was just a one-off thing. I haven’t gotten laid in months, so I kind of just went for it. Well, I’m not saying I won’t visit Hazel ever again, you know, but...”

“This is the funniest thing!” she said, starting to laugh now. “I can’t believe you really did it with her! Was it good?”

I laughed along with her now. “It was actually pretty fun, yeah. She probably hadn’t gotten it on in a while, either, because she was, like, really into it. We didn’t drag it out for hours, but it was definitely, um ... a blast!”

Lara was shaking her head, looking at me funny.

“What now?” I asked.

“I just never thought you’d go have a fling with a woman who could be, like, our moms’ friend!”

I shrugged. “Well, it was kind of insane, yeah. The weirdest thing is going to be looking at Skinner now, knowing I banged his mom ... But no, I shouldn’t be so crude about it,” I said, suddenly feeling bad. “Hazel is a very kind woman, and now I’m being a jerk about this.”

“She’s extra kind to you, obviously.”

“Yeah, I guess you could say that ... You’re okay, right?”

“Yeah, just fucking surprised as hell, that’s all. Did you use a rubber, at least?”

“Yeah, of course,” I replied. “She had one. Do you, uh ... want the details?”

“Always!”

“Of course you do ... Well, like I said, I went inside for the lemonade, and—”

“What was she wearing?”

“Oh, um ... it was a sundress, with some sort of flower pattern on it, I think. Honestly, she looked really good in it, and now that I think of it, I guess she was trying to. So yeah, we—”

“Okay, stop, stop...” Lara moaned. “How about you tell me tonight? I think I need to smoke up before listening to this story!”

“You and your weed,” I drawled.

“You and your older women... !”

“Whatever... !” I retorted, before softening my look. “And hey, I know we’ve been talking about us and how things will be someday, and everything. But I want you to know that this was just some sex, that’s all. A fling, to get it out of my system.”

“No, I get it,” Lara nodded, grinning. “Shannon is right, you are a fucking wild man, sometimes. In your own way!”

“I’ll take that!” I chuckled. “Well, anyway, that was my fun day. How about you?”

Lara took a breath and tried to shake away her surprise. “My day was boring, compared to that. Jeez, I still can’t—Anyway, I um ... Oh yeah, I finished the shelter brochure layout. Yeah, that’s what I did.”

“Nice, how is it?”

“Pretty cool, I think,” she replied, finally gaining some composure. “I passed it on to Chuck, so he’ll polish it up and get it to where it needs to go for review.”

“Cool. What’s next over there?”

“Nothing in particular. Chuck’s taking a vacation next week so I was going to just hang out, help with the animals, or whatever comes up. Or take a week off and hang out here and read a new book I got from the library. I’m not really sure.”

“Okay. Feel free to come around with me. We can see what trouble we can get into together!”

Lara smiled. “That might be kind of fun, actually! Can we visit Hazel?”

“For sure! I’d love to introduce you to her.”

“Do you think she’d be into—”

“Don’t get any ideas, Lara!” I sang. “Oh, shit, I forgot to tell you, I saw Gwen earlier too, in town!”

“Well, weren’t you the social man today? How is she?”

“As sweet and kind as ever,” I deadpanned.

“And did you bang her too?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. She was getting some supplies for camping. She was about to get on the road.”

“Oh, that’s right!” Lara exclaimed. “The festival is tomorrow.”

“Yup. And guess who’s going with her?” I said, grinning.

“Us?” she asked, her voice ripe with actual hope.

I snorted. “Yeah, right.”

“Dana and her other friend?”

“Nope. A hint: we know them really well!”

Lara’s eyes widened after a moment. “No way! They’re back from their road trip?”

“Not quite. But Gwen somehow got in touch with them and they’re going to meet up in Saratoga Springs tonight, at a campout somewhere around there.”

“Wow, that’s so fucking cool! I thought she’d be taking some of her hardcore friends to the show.”

“Hey, for all we know Shannon is full of piercings and tattoos now!” I joked.

“Um...”

We both laughed heartily at that impossible image for a bit.

Lara eyed me. “I mean, I’m sure there was a lot of piercing going on during their—”

My enormous groan covered the last part of her statement. “Lara!”

“You know you love it...”

“Anyway,” I sighed, after delivering a shake of my head, “the three of them are going to have a blast for sure.”

“Really kind of wish we were going, now,” she said sadly.

“Yeah, I know,” I murmured, giving her a look.

“Whose dumb idea was it to give the tickets to her again?”

I sniffed. “Yeah, yeah ... Yet another stupid idea by Matt the Splat. But you know, we could still go.”

“You really think there are some tickets left?”

I shook my head. “Nah, Gwen said it sold out a long time ago. But maybe some scalpers will be selling?”

“Could be. Should we try? I mean, it’s not that far of a drive, right? And it would be nice to bring Shannon a copy of the cookbook. I’m sure she’d love to see it. At the very least we can see them, even if we can’t get in to the show.”

“Yeah, I was kind of thinking the same thing. Oh, so get this: Gwen actually smiled at me today.”

Lara grimaced. “Um, I’m sorry, but I really don’t believe you now.”

“I said ‘Have fun tomorrow’, and she fricking smiled at me. I was actually kind of disappointed in her!”

“You should’ve brought Skinner to tag along with you today. First, he would’ve punched you out for hooking up with his mom, then Gwen would’ve punched both of you out instead of smiling at you!”

“Totally! Although the smile was probably for someone behind me, now that I think of it! Anyway ... That’s the rest of my day, for real this time.”

“Well, I have more news...” She sat up in the pool. “I think I’m going to ask Moms for my own computer.”

I cocked my head at her. “Really?”

“I mean, I’ll pay for as much of it as I can, but I don’t think I’ll have enough.”

“You can have everything I have in my jar.”

“No. Save it so you can buy me a plane ticket to Ireland,” she said ever so sweetly.

“I’d love for you to have a computer.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure they’ll help me out.”

I nodded slowly. “So you’re really into this design stuff, huh?”

“I am. You know I’ve never been much with a camera, but this I can do.”

“To be fair, you never really tried to do photography,” I remarked.

“I know. But it doesn’t draw me like it does for you, or Shannon, or...”

Or her...

Suddenly, there was a shift in the mood, as if an unexpected wind came into the clearing. Our simple lives parted open right then, just for a moment. Funny how that happened, how easy it was to slip into the past. Mostly when we discussed her, it was in passing, idle hypotheticals that hardly made a ripple in our present lives ... But every now and then, it was a stone crackling through ice and plunging into a deep pool.

We were quiet for a time.

“Do you think she’ll be heading back home soon?” Lara asked.

“If she wants to go back to school this year, then she’ll have to,” I remarked quietly.

“You didn’t answer the question.”

I sighed. “True. I feel like the answer is no, though.”

“Me too. But somehow, I also feel that she’s doing okay,” she breathed. “I don’t know how, or why, but I think I’d know, if she...”

“I know what you mean.”

I did know what she meant. Somewhere in some forgotten corner of my brain, I remembered I was still falling ... And that little corner was whispering of late. Not often, but every now and then, I’d see the flash of a vast expanse of blue beneath me. It was uneven, and complex, and still not quite fully formed. And it disappeared so quickly that I knew it wasn’t real ... I was imagining it ... Hoping for it ... Waiting for it...

No! I’m not going to wait!

Breathe...

The disingenuous voices quieted and the vain visions faded, hiding themselves away again.

Slowly the present moment returned.

“Where do you think we’d be, if you hadn’t met her?” Lara asked.

Oh well, so much for the present moment...

“Like, hadn’t met her at all?”

“Yeah. Imagine that two years ago, you go to the pier, catch some fish, come home. And then you swim with Julie and hook up with her...”

“Maybe I’d still be with Julie, then.”

“You think so?” Lara asked, eyeing me.

I murmured. “Probably not, actually. Then again, what do I know?”

“Well, maybe you would. Julie has chilled out a lot this year.”

“Yeah, and I’m glad for that,” I agreed. “But she never seemed like she could handle the distance thing. So I don’t think it would’ve worked out.”

“Shannon, then.”

I sniffed. “Way too good for me.”

“Yeah, you’re right. What was I thinking?”

I splashed some water her way. “Thanks a lot!”

“It’s true! She is too good for you!”

“I know that, but you don’t have to say it out loud and go on and on about it!”

“I do, actually.”

“What about you?” I asked, waving her silliness away. “What if things had gone differently back then?”

“I don’t know what I’d be up to.”

“Still going out with Ronnie,” I quipped.

She shivered. “God, no.”

“Oh, you’re right. He was way too good for you!”

“Ouch, that one hurts! Ronnie’s a jerk ... Like, a hundred percent!”

“I know that,” I protested. “Hmm ... I know, snorting coke with James?”

“Matt, you—!”

For a moment we were poised on the edge of a water fight, but then we stood down.

“It literally could be anything,” Lara said, at last.

“Maybe...” I murmured, staring into the woods. “But then again, I’d like to think that if I hadn’t met her, we’d still be right here, right now ... You and me. Just like this. Because it’s perfect.”

Lara gave me the sweetest smile. “Aw, Matt!”

“And you know what,” I continued, sitting up. “It’s almost like that’s what it is now, anyway. A complete reset. The world is wide open again. None of that old stuff really exists, does it? It’s just you and me, sis.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

I hummed and closed my eyes, settling back into the pool.

“By the way, I forgot to tell you something,” Lara said after a time.

I sat up to look at her and did a double take. Her eyes were unusually impish.

“What?” I asked cautiously.

“When I was printing the brochures, um ... Chuck made a move on me.”

I made a face. “What the fuck?”

“Yeah. He, like, spun me around and tried to kiss me.”

“Get the fuck out! And why the hell are you smiling about it?”

She held on to the suspense too long, and my stomach started churning.

“Because,” she said, “we kind of ended up getting it on, right there on the desk!”

Damn it!

I stared at her, the sparks between us smashing into each other over the rippling waters.

Lara! You suck... !

She continued to hold the stare, until at last we both gave up and started laughing like crazy. Neither of us could breathe for a while.

“Your story about Hazel was much better, sorry,” Lara admitted, when she could finally talk.

“Fuck!” I cried, gasping. “When did you figure it out?”

She gave me an apologetic look. “I knew it wasn’t true the whole time.”

“What! I was sure you believed me there. You even seemed a little jealous!”

“Believed you? Come on, I know you were trying to see if you could pull one over on me, but it wasn’t even close. I was totally messing with you when I pretended to believe it!”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake! And I was so damn proud of myself, thinking I fooled you again, and finally turned you into Ms. Blind for good!”

“Sorry. Keep trying though, because it was really entertaining, I’ll give you that much. I got to imagine you fucking Heather Hammond, the platinum blonde porn star, on her blue velvet bed.”

“Hazel Hammond! And she’s not blonde,” I mused, imagining the naughty act once more myself, before shaking it away. “More like ... very dark auburn.”

Lara’s eyes widened. “Oh, really? Now I understand why you’re—!”

I cut her off with a jet of water, and the splash fight soon devolved into an outright mudwrestling match. Much shrieking and shoving ensued, but finally I pinned Lara to the black tarry muck.

“I claim victory!” I cried.

“In your dreams!”

She easily slipped out of my grasp and into the water where we continued to grapple. But in the end, we were too amused to continue much longer. Finally I submerged myself entirely for a while, letting all tension escape.

“One of these days I’m going to get you,” I murmured, after surfacing.

“Days ... years ... centuries. Sure you are! Keep trying, though.”

“Yeah, yeah. I really did go to Hazel’s place today.”

“Cool.”

“Met her son, Joseph.”

“Mm.”

“I felt pretty awkward being there, but it meant a lot to Hazel for some reason.”

“Then that’s a good thing,” Lara said softly.

“It is. We need more good things in life, even if they’re awkward.”

Lara gave me a smile, and we sunk lower into the water as we relaxed again. Conversation became minimal. The summer whiled away, golden rays of sun sprinkling little drops of peace upon our corner of the world. The glen cradled us, giving us solace. We were just leaves floating in these vast natural eddies.

Why swim, when you can float?

Sometime much later, over by the pool’s outlet where the brook restarted its descent toward our house and to the Atlantic beyond, there was an unusual sound.

Splash...

I came out of my deep trance and turned my head to look, but I only saw the expanding rings of water coming toward me, the visual echo of whatever had just swished the surface.

We both sat up a bit, as the sound had been too deliberate to be made by the coincidence of naturally moving waters. I scanned the area, wondering if Frej had summoned a nøkke to toss pebbles at us. We seemed to be alone, however.

Lara soon settled down again, figuring that the brook had learned to speak this new word on its own. But my curiosity was not so easily satisfied, so I remained attentive. I was scanning the overhanging tree branches for clumsy squirrels when Lara suddenly gasped.

“Whoa, what the...” she said, her voice hollow.

She was slinking backward, staring at the surface of the water—or, not quite. Rather, she was tracking something moving within the pool. I sat up a little more, moving carefully away even as the swimming shape slid closer to her.

An eel?

A turtle! Uh oh... Even the babies supposedly could bite like hell. The array of protruding and sensitive body parts in the pool was a potentially painful buffet in the making.

For a second, I tensed. Then I finally made sense of things: it’s a fish. A modest-sized rainbow trout, to be precise. It was not quite swimming properly, as it seemed to be exhausted, or possibly hurt, even as it had somehow managed to make its way upstream and reach the pool.

It was, by any measure, a completely bewildering sight. There were tiny fish in our creek, for sure, but the waterway was far from being of a size that could support trout like this one.

“The poor thing is lost,” Lara murmured sadly, as the creature moved past her and then circled around to my side.

But as it approached, my heart started racing. It was hardly moving, gracefully gyrating in the slow current, except when it twitched.

“A trout, all the way up here, though?” she asked. “How is that—”

Lara gasped in realization as the fish floated near me. I gently put my hand out and caught it in my palm.

It didn’t feel slick and slippery at all.

I felt a radiance of warmth from its body.

The blue skin sparkled with silver prickles of light.

My world closed in from the edges and went dark, the complete expiration of everything that ever was. The aperture grew infinitely small, and I felt the fish perish in my hand.

The warmth disappeared.

The blue and silver sparkles faded away.

“I don’t think she’s lost,” I whispered. “Not anymore...”

Well, I think I whispered that, but maybe I just thought it. Either way, Lara knew exactly what I meant.

Everything dies...

I opened my eyes and looked directly into my sister. The connection was so open and easy these days, that it took but a moment before we wordlessly exited the pool. We soon found a bare patch of soil between the trees and undergrowth. I gently passed the valiant little trout to her and started digging with my bare hands. Eventually my fingers started pulling up moist brown papery strips, the remnants of an old box that lay mouldering there on the bank of our beloved Roe. Carefully I cleared a small flat spot along the rotted cardboard top, remembering that to dig any deeper would be to uncover shards that might cut me in more ways than one.

Lara knelt down beside me and placed the fish in the small hollow I’d made. We both pushed the dirt back into the hole and tamped it down.

But everything is also reborn...

I took hold of Lara’s arms. The afternoon light seemed to saturate for a moment as we gazed at each other... “Let’s see if we can get on the road within an hour, yeah?”

“Are you sure about this?” she asked.

“I’m not sure about anything these days. But this is the closest thing to sure I’ve felt in months. You?”

Lara nodded, blinking away the start of two tears. I saw her tremble slightly as she looked down at the freshly replaced earth, inhaling a deep breath.

We’d made it a point to not wait, for these last, um... Damn, how long has it even been?

But now ... Something that was worth waiting for ... maybe it was almost here? Was it? What if—

As I seemed to do so many times every single day, I smashed those useless thoughts into a million pieces and yanked myself back to the present.

Breathe, you fool...