Chapter 56: Waters

We entered August, the last full month of summer, of vacation, and of divine mountain warmth. I spent all my time at Clara’s; Lara increased her hours at the shelter since Chuck hired her more formally and started paying her for her computer work.

Our tent became lived-in and undeniably welcoming the more we used it and adjusted our setup. With Frej’s help, we’d flown an oversized tarp above the area that gave us some dry space around the shelter in times of rain. It remained a heavenly place to sleep. The fresh air seemed to invigorate us both; we rested deeply each and every night, rising earlier and with even more energy for our days.

“Do you need help bringing the refrigerator from the cabin into the trees?” Frej asked me one morning as I sat down to eat breakfast with him.

I laughed as he gave me an amused look. “I do know where I can get enough extension cords,” I joked.

“It is a nice camp,” he said. “If you put down some flat bricks around the entrance of the tent, you will have less trouble with the mud.”

“Yeah, that probably would be cool. Then again, I’m not sure how long we’ll be camping up there. Probably once school starts it’ll just be easier to go back to the cabin.”

Frej shrugged as he used his favorite butter knife on the last bare corner of his toast. “If you do buy the bricks, I will help you carry them up there.”

“Thanks, Frej.”

“Is the flooring work with Clara going well?”

“Yeah, it is. Patrick is cool. We’ve been getting along really well. Luckily, I haven’t messed up anything too badly yet!”

“When will you finish?”

“Sooner than Clara thought. She was worried the beams under the subfloor were going to have to be replaced, which I guess is a big job. But they were solid enough, and it was mostly some cheap floorboards that were the problem.”

“I would like to see how it goes.”

“Sure, come over any time. We’re working on the sprung floor now.”

He raised a brow at me. “What is that?”

“I guess for dancing you want the floor to have some give. So above the subfloor you put some foam blocks and beams, and then another layer of flooring.”

“I understand now,” Frej said, taking a sip of his coffee. “Like a shock absorber. It sounds very intricate.”

“Yeah, every time we work on something, there’s all this little stuff that Patrick says you have to do. Things I’d never have thought of. Like we had to leave a half-inch gap near the walls because the boards can swell with the weather and then they’d warp. And other stuff like that. I’m learning a ton.”

“Will you become a builder?”

I laughed. “Uh, not that I know of. I mean, it’s interesting, but...”

“You are young yet,” he remarked, grinning. “Too soon to decide?”

“Yeah. Really, it’s just what I fell into this summer, doing odd jobs.”

He glanced at me, his eyes flashing. “We both did.”

I sniffed. “Yeah. You’ve been busy around here too, I know.”

Frej let out a rich laugh. “I asked them to put me to work, and they did. But it is good. This way I do not think about the boat very much.”

Or other things...

I nodded slowly. “Do you miss being out on the water?”

He shrugged and rubbed his beard appreciatively. “Less than I thought. Yes, there are parts that I miss. But maybe it was not good to be alone so much.”

“Yeah ... But I happen to know you weren’t alone all the time.”

Frej gave me a sad look. “No, I was not always alone.”

We ate in silence for a little bit.

“Back then, it seemed the best way forward,” he said meaningfully.

“Do you mean ... this last year?” I asked. “Letting her hang out on the boat with you?”

He hesitated. “No. Eighteen years ago.”

I said nothing.

“Did she tell you anything of it?” he asked.

“Not ... really. I just ... I just know that she knows about you, being her father, like—” I trailed off, feeling extremely awkward that so long had gone by with him living here, and the topic had never been broached. “I’m sorry.”

Frej grasped my arm. “Do not be sorry. It is in the open now.”

I nodded slowly. “I didn’t know if it was okay to bring it up.”

He served himself another cup of coffee and then sat back, his long stare taking in the outside world through our picture windows.

“Do you want to know what happened?” he asked.

“I, um ... I don’t need to know, but it’s up to you.”

“It is not a story that I am proud of.”

My stomach twisted a bit at this. “Okay. You don’t have to tell me. I mean, does Heather know all of it?”

He sighed heavily. “Yes.”

I remained quiet, debating. What’s the point in finding out now? We can’t change the past...

I glanced at Frej, his eyes still distant, reminding me of when I stood with him on the bridge of the Valdemar II during our fishing expeditions.

Can’t change the past ... but you might understand the present a little more...

“I’ll listen, if you want to tell me.”

He seemed as if he didn’t hear me. I waited. This can’t be easy... In time, he stood up, gesturing to me with his head. I followed him out to the deck, where we took to the chairs. The day was perfect for my usual walk, but I had a feeling that I’d be driving to Clara’s today, since I was meeting Patrick at a particular hour. I waited patiently, sipping my own coffee as Frej searched his mind for words.

“Aongus was not able to get Mairead with child,” he said quietly. “They had some tests and the doctors said that it was a problem with him.” Frej narrowed his eyes as he continued. “We were out on the boat one day, when Aongus told me of this. And he was very upset, because he and Mairead had decided to use a donor. She wanted a child very much. And Aongus did also, but that day on the boat, he was very much afraid.”

“Of her getting the procedure done?” I asked gently.

Frej shook his head. “No. Having a man who they never met be the father, in that way. Aongus said he was not going to live with himself. But they were planning this for a long time, and he knew Mairead would be very upset if he changed his mind and said no.”

“Even with how he felt?”

Frej sighed. “Mairead wanted nothing more in life than to have a child. Aongus was sure that if he said no, then she would leave him for someone who would let her have this dream.”

I took a deep breath, imagining the scenarios. And they were cousins ... Did that complicate things, make them think it was all wrong? I had no idea if Frej knew this fact, so I didn’t ask.

“Would she really have left him?” I asked.

“I do not know, Matt ... But Aongus was sure of it, and that is all I knew. He was very upset, and we were hours on the water, not fishing, only sitting and sometimes talking ... And ... he said to me, if it had to be someone that was not him...”

Frej trailed off, certainly back on the boat with his friend. I imagined that the tension would have been high.

“If it had to be someone, he wanted it to be you,” I finally murmured, feeling a chill explode through my spine, because I’d heard this very wish spoken aloud once before.

“Yes, that is what he said,” he confirmed. “He was trying to find a way for himself to be happy with it.”

“Frej...”

“Yes?”

“When Heather found out it wasn’t Aongus, before she knew it was you...”

He glanced at me, his eyes not nearly as lively as they usually were.

“She wanted it to be you, too,” I finished.

He took a deep breath, and then nodded. “Thank you for telling me that.”

“She said that she didn’t talk to you about any of this before leaving for Maine. Did you talk to her after?”

Frej huffed and shook his head. “No ... She only left me a letter. But now I know Mairead told her everything. Even the worst parts of it. The parts that she ... that made her—”

The worst parts ... Keeping Heather in the dark about who her father was ... But that’s understandable, in a way, for Aongus’s sake...

“You did the right thing, Frej. Even Heather agreed with Aongus, since she also wanted it to be you. I mean, it sounds like Aongus would never have had kids. So there’s nothing bad about what you did, right?”

He shook his head. “If that was all there was to tell, then I would agree with you. But it is not the end.”

I swallowed. “What do you mean?”

Again some time passed as Frej finished his coffee. He took an empty sip and stared at the residue in the bottom.

“More?” I asked.

He gave a short nod, so I went inside to get us refills. I found Lara in the kitchen, freshly arrived from the cabin where she’d been showering.

“Ready to go?” she chirped.

“No, I’m going to drive today.”

“Lazy butt...”

I gave her a wan smile. “Nah, it’s not that.”

“What’s wrong?” she asked, concern spreading across her face as she noted mine.

“Well, I’m talking to Frej. About, you know...”

“Oh...” she said, glancing outside at where he sat. “Got it.”

“If you want to hang for a bit, we can ride together.”

“That’s okay, I’m looking forward to walking.”

“Then you’ll have to walk alone, sorry.”

She gave me a hug. “It’s not a problem at all, Matt.”

“I’ll tell you about it later, but I feel like it’s not going to be the happiest story. But we’re still in the middle of it, so I don’t know how long I’ll be.”

She nodded. “Okay. Better get back out there then.”

When I returned to the deck, I noticed that Frej’s eyes were slightly red.

I handed his mug to him. “Here you go.”

“Thank you.”

Seated once again, I sighed. “Frej, you don’t have to keep going.”

“No. It is important that I tell you. Then you can understand what happened. Of why she needed time away from us...” After a long sip, Frej huffed and then continued. “On the boat, Aongus asked me to think on it ... Think if I would be the person they used. I did not have to think. I told him at once that I would do it. And as you say, maybe that would have been well enough if we had not been stupid.”

“What do you mean?”

Frej sighed heavily. “We did not tell anyone else.”

Anyone? I shuddered. “You mean you didn’t tell M—” But I stopped, because I couldn’t voice it. Oh my god...

“No, we did not tell anyone. It was ... my fault. I take responsibility. Aongus was certain he could convince Mairead that she should let me to do this for them, but I asked him to wait to tell her.”

“Why?”

He sighed heavily. “After I was on the boat with Aongus, I went home and began to tell Elise of what was happening with them and what they planned to do. Before I told her what he asked of me, she said that she found their idea to be an unnatural thing. To have a baby in that way ... Elise was very old-fashioned, and it was clear that she would never support it. And I knew she would never agree for me to do it, before I told her of what Aongus asked me.”

I was feeling extremely uneasy at Frej’s story as it unfolded. It was such a far cry from the excitement of hearing about shark fishing. But he was a potent storyteller even now, and the details were unfolding with some sense of dread.

“I went to Aongus to tell him that I could not help him, that I had to say no because Elise would not hear of it. I planned to say this, but when we met on the boat, he was so happy that I was agreeing to do it ... He was crying. The only time I have seen him cry. He was going to have a child with Mairead, and he was going to know that the father was a good man, his best friend ... We were still partners back then, and we spent more time with each other than with our wives. I wanted—”

Frej paused, his voice hoarse. Even the coffee wasn’t helping anymore.

“I could not tell him that I had to change my answer,” he continued. “I told him I would do it, but only if he never told anyone it was me. Not to Mairead, and especially not to Elise.”

I let a shudder rip through me, crushed by this admission. “I’m so sorry, Frej,” I whispered. “That sounds like the hardest position to ever be in.”

“Yes, there was no good choice. To say no to my good friend could mean the end of his marriage ... and to say yes, the end of mine.”

“So you decided to do the right thing for Aongus, but the wrong thing for you.”

“We agreed that the donor could be any man on earth. It could be me, then. By chance. We would not know who it was, if it was another man ... Then why did we have to know that it was me? It was the same, we said. This is how we believed our mistake was a good one to make ... I went to the doctor and Aongus arranged it, I do not know how. In a few months, Mairead was with child.”

With Heather ... My god... My heart wrenched as I wondered what she must have thought of all this. That her conception had been so convoluted and under such stressful circumstances... Too much...

“When did Mairead find out?” I asked after a period of anxious quiet. “I mean, she’s known for a long time, right?”

Frej nodded. “Her pregnancy was difficult, and she began to doubt what they chose to do. She was feeling the problem that Aongus had, about using a stranger for a donor ... It started to grow in her thinking, in the middle of the pregnancy. And Elise did not know my part, but she knew Mairead had done the procedure. She and Mairead were very close friends, but Elise told her firmly that she was not in agreement with her choice. Very firmly.”

“Wow ... That’s rough.”

“Elise was not one to stay quiet when she had a strong belief. But Mairead was already having doubts when Elise talked to her about this, and this made it worse. She was trying to help, how she thought she could. But it was not a help. Soon it became too difficult for Mairead to accept what was happening. She was in a bad way for a time, with pain and all types of sickness. Aongus came to me, begging that I let him tell her the truth, because Mairead was suffering very much in her head ... She was not eating, and the baby was unwell from it and the doctors said that they were both in danger.”

I was trying hard to keep it together now, my insides a mess of hollow feelings I hadn’t felt in a long while.

“I cannot tell you the next part, Matt, because I have tried very hard to forget it. But it is enough to say that Aongus and I both went to our wives and told them what we did. And the result...” Frej sighed unsteadily. “It was not good for anyone.”

I wiped at my eyes now, seeing myself standing unsteadily back near our old swimming hole on a night some three months earlier, when a girl I knew had to go away, carrying the knowledge of all of this with her...

On top of everything else she was dealing with...

Please, please let her be okay right now...

“After that, everything changed,” Frej muttered, his voice empty. “Elise took it the hardest, that I had done this ... That I was becoming a father with Mairead before her ... And that I did it in secret, even though I knew that it wasn’t what Elise thought was natural.”

I realized I was extremely tense, so I tried to relax into the chair.

Frej took a long breath. “Mairead was angry with everyone, but by fortune she found her strength and began to eat and feel better. Aongus opened the market and stopped working with me on the boat.”

“Why would he do that, after everything you did for him?” I asked, feeling upset at this.

“Because he wanted me to close the charter business.”

“That’s terrible!” I cried hoarsely. “He was in on the decision too; why was he mad at you?”

Frej eyed me. “No, he was trying to help me, because Elise went back to Denmark to live with her family to recover from the stress, and to decide...” He swallowed hard. “To decide if she would still be my wife. As I said, she was old-fashioned, and separating from a husband was also an unnatural thing for her, even after what I did. Aongus opened the market because he thought I would stop doing the charters and go to be with Elise ... Go to her and try to fix my mistake with her. He was trying to help me.”

I sat back, a sense of relief fighting to make itself felt amidst the maelstrom of sad thoughts that whirled around.

“Did it work?” I asked quietly.

“Yes. I put the Valdemar for sale and it was not long before someone bought it and ... sailed it away. I bought my ticket to Denmark ... And I closed up my business.”

Frej was silent for a very long time.

“But you didn’t go,” I finally said.

After a moment, he gave a short shake of his head, a reflexive motion. “I did not.”

I sorted through the puzzle pieces that had been presented to me. He gave up on Elise? Did he too disappear, maybe even up to Birgitte’s place?

Then I looked at the man and found that his blue eyes were fully wet now. But more importantly, they possessed a familiar complexity. Abruptly, the correct piece fell into place. So obvious...

I swallowed. “Because Heather was born.”

He remained immobile and silent, the vision of a newborn girl clearly in his thoughts. His daughter...

“Frej, I can’t even imagine what that must have been like.”

He turned to look right at me. “When I saw Heather ... For the first time in my life I understood what love was. I saw what I did was terrible, but also that it was ... incredible. There were many dark times after that, because finding the love of Heather also showed me how much I loved Elise. And how much I had done wrong, in many ways. I will not speak of that, but I sent a letter to her in Denmark, with hope that she would return.”

I remained still, since I already knew how this next part of the story ended. “Frej, you don’t have to tell me anymore,” I said quietly. “I know she came back.”

He waved his hand vaguely. “No, I will finish, so you can see everything for what it is. Elise found out about the cancer in Denmark. Very soon she returned to America to have the treatment in New York. We moved closer to the city, and I tried to talk to her. But she was angry with herself and what she did. She said that the cancer was punishment for how she treated Mairead during the pregnancy, and how she caused such stress in the situation...”

“Oh no...”

“It was a bad time. When we visited Montauk, Mairead would not speak to Elise. I did everything I could to help my wife feel better. I bought a new boat, and we sailed out often on the waters. She liked the wind in her hair, and the sea gave her comfort.”

I was a wreck; my long-held ideas of Frej’s fond memories of his times out on the waves with his wife and the Martins were all shattered now. It was all just a mask...

“After some time, Elise had another scan. She...” Frej stared into the sky for a while, his jaw twitching. “The doctors said she would not live very long, as the cancer was a bad one and had moved to many places in her body. We ... moved back ... to Montauk. She wanted to be there, when...”

I closed my eyes, flooded with sadness for what Frej had carried for so long.

“Did she and Mairead make peace?” I rasped.

“Yes,” Frej responded, his voice barely sounding. “Yes, Mairead forgave her, and Elise made peace with everyone. Because when at last Elise saw Heather...”

I glanced at the seaman, his eyes completely aglow with emotion.

She also fell in love...

The work with Patrick started wrapping up. We’d laid out the last sections of vinyl marley floor covering and the edges of the room were baseboarded and painted. With the raising of the floor level due to the thicker sprung system, we’d built a slight ramp at the entrance to the studio to avoid having a small step there that everyone would trip on. A few small details were all that remained.

Feeling more confident in my building skills and spurred by the construction of that little incline, I took a detour on the way home one evening. I soon came upon the lovely Hazel Hammond working in her picturesque garden. But unfortunately, this randomly laid plan didn’t work out, for there was already a ramp installed on the left half of her porch stairs.

“Good evening, Mrs. Hammond,” I called out.

She put a hand to her eyes to block out the angled sunlight, and then stood up once she recognized me. “Oh, hi there! How are you doing?”

“Good, thanks. I came to check if you still needed the ramp built. Obviously not, though!”

She nodded as she came close, brushing dirt from her hands. “Yes, I had to get it done. Joseph is coming to visit!”

“Oh, that’s good news, I hope?”

She smiled warmly. “Yes, it is. Still getting the place ready for him, but it’s close now.”

“It’s looking really nice,” I said, before glancing around the side of the house. “How about those dead limbs, though?”

She rolled her eyes. “I swear...”

“Let me take care of it,” I offered. “Please. I can knock it out right now. I have a little time.”

“No, it’s ridiculous, really. He spends all his time in the basement when he comes to visit, making a terrible racket.”

I laughed. “A racket? I don’t think it’s that bad!”

She smiled a little. “Well, whenever I see that wood sitting there, it might as well be awful noise to me.”

“Fair enough. Well, if you really don’t need my help, then I’m going to head home for dinner and a swim. I’m really happy that you’ll have Joseph here soon.”

Hazel nodded and started to speak, but she was interrupted by the front door clacking open. We both turned as a young man emerged onto the freshly painted porch, soda in hand, and bandana in his pocket. He was a good-looking guy, much as Hazel was a good-looking woman. That kind of thing passes through the genes, of course.

“Hey Skinner,” I greeted casually. “What’s up?”

He stared at me for a long moment. “What are you doing here?”

“I was just walking by and saw your mom in the garden, so I stopped to say hi.”

“You two know each other?” Hazel asked me.

“Of course,” I replied simply. “Our bands played a few shows together this year.”

Hazel’s eyes widened as she examined me, as if for the first time. “Wait ... The park concert?”

I shrugged. “Yeah, that was one of them.”

As she gaped at me, processing the unexpected recognition that flooded into her, Skinner walked down the ramp and came near.

“How do you know my mom?” he asked, deceptively nonchalant.

I hesitated, so Hazel answered first, despite still staring at me with a dazed look.

“Dwayne here painted the porch for—”

Skinner coughed up his soda in a fit. “What did you just call him?”

Uh oh...

She frowned. “Dwayne?”

“His name’s Matt!” Skinner blurted out.

Hazel glanced at me, and I smiled sheepishly.

“Well, people also call me that too,” I said.

Now Skinner looked confused.

“Honestly, I’m not big on names,” I added. “You can call me whatever you want.”

I felt a slight twinge, since my frivolous summer baptisms were now surfacing as suspicions on the face of Hazel’s son. His eyes narrowed at me.

Fucking Skin—No ... I shouldn’t say that. That’s unfair.

“Is your name Dwayne, or Matt?” Hazel asked.

“Uh ... Technically, it’s Matt?”

“What are you doing, man?” he asked, coming even closer.

“Nothing, I was just messing around,” I said quietly.

“By giving people fake names? So, what, are you here because you changed your mind about getting paid for the work?” he pressed. “Because that’s not—”

I grimaced, shaking my head as he got animated. “No, not at all! I was just on my way home, and I wanted to check if the ramp was built yet. I swear.” I turned to his mom. “And I’m sorry about the name. Just some dumb thing that ... I don’t even know. I’m sorry.”

There was an awkward moment, but then Hazel started laughing as she patted my arm rather affectionately. “You really are funny!”

“If you say so,” I muttered, feeling completely foolish. “Anyway, um ... I better get home for dinner. Sorry again.”

She kept her hand on my arm, so I looked at her.

“Before you go,” she said, “I want you to know I donated the money, to a charity for wounded vets. I hope that’s okay.”

“That ... sounds perfect.”

“But I feel bad, now,” she said, smiling amusedly. “I put it under the name of Dwayne!”

I shrugged a little. “That’s perfect, too.”

“Thank you. It means a lot to me, what you did. And the porch looks beautiful.”

I nodded briefly. “Take care, Mrs. Hammond.”

“Goodbye, Matthew.”

I shared a grin with her. “Bye ... And I’ll see you around, Skinner.”

He only glared at me as I walked away. I calmed myself with each step, as once again I’d let myself get the worst of things.

Fucking Dwayne...

I wasn’t far away when I heard quickening footsteps behind me on the sidewalk. I braced myself, hoping I’d get away with just a rough shove, and maybe a rip in my overalls. They were getting a bit thin in the knee area, after all, so it wouldn’t take much. Then again, if his mom was still looking on, perhaps I’d escape unharmed for now. Physically, anyway.

“Hey, dude! Whatever your name is.”

I slowed and turned. “Like I said, I’m sorry.”

He waved my apology away. “Look, I know you pretty much hate me, and you probably wish you never painted the porch now that you found out she’s my mom. But it’s...”

“I knew she was your mom.”

“ ... fucking weird that—What?”

“I knew she was your mom before I painted the porch. I saw you in the pictures on her fridge, the first day I was here.”

“You ... did?”

I nodded.

Skinner scrunched his face up. “And you still did the work?”

“I needed the money,” I shrugged, trying to cut through with a lame joke.

“Which you didn’t even keep?” He eyed me again. “Jesus, can you stop fucking around for one minute, man? I’m not a huge fan of smart-asses. Like, not a fan at all. What the hell is going on?”

“Fine.” I sighed. “You want some truth?”

“Finally!”

“Then here it is. I’m sorry I was such a prick to you, Skinner.”

He recoiled at this. “You’resorry?”

“I had no idea, about your brother Joseph. What you and your family were going through with that. I’m not going to lie, you did some stuff I didn’t like. The thing at the band battle, fine, that was just a dumb contest. But the stuff with Pete, that wasn’t cool.”

Skinner kicked at the dirt, suddenly subdued. “Pete ... Yeah, well, it was a bad time,” he said slowly. “That was during the worst of my brother’s recovery. He picked up an infection and it looked bad for him. I was really fucked up around then, man.”

“I bet.”

“I don’t remember a lot of that week, when I got kicked out of the band. Pete was going crazy since the park show, and I was just frustrated with those guys because they were acting so weird about everything. So yeah, I kind of got tired of his shit that day, and I think...” He glanced at his mom, who had returned to gardening but was clearly keeping an eye on us. Then he leaned close and spoke quieter. “I think I was high and strung out on dope twenty-four-seven that week, man. I don’t remember much, like I said. I wasn’t trying to make him do something stupid, you know? I didn’t know what was going on with him, and honestly he was acting really crazy that day.”

“I know he was. And look, what’s done is done. Pete’s doing a lot better, for now anyway, and no, his issue isn’t your fault. Listen, I don’t want to take up your whole day here, so I’ll just say it again. I’m sorry for any shit I gave you. I could’ve done way better.”

Skinner seemed unsure how to respond. At last he nodded. “All right, but I was never pissed at you, you know? It’s funny, because of all the people in your band, I actually figured that you were the one that hated me the least.”

“No one hated you, Skinner. But if you think about it, the first time we saw you, you kicked our ass at the auditions, and the second time was you winning the band battle because you got your friends to pack out Jonah’s place ... Plus you’re a really good singer and guitarist, so you kind of turned into the competition, you know?”

He rolled his eyes. “Oh, I get it, dude. You guys aren’t the first people to hate me, believe me. It’s the fucking story of my life, for some reason.”

For some reason... I had to grin. Yeah, just can’t quite figure out why...

“Anyway, like I said, it’s in the past,” I continued. “I’m not dwelling on it.”

“All right, I’m down with that. And uh, hey, thanks ... for what you did with my mom.”

“I didn’t do anything.”

He raised a warning brow at me.

Oops... !

“The money,” he said firmly. “And making the place look even nicer for Joe.”

“What did you call him?” I blurted out, in spite of myself.

He frowned. “Joe?”

“His name’s Joseph!” I said, with mock horror.