Chapter 51: Valley, Stream, and Lea

Truth is out...

There was a long moment where nothing happened. Having been pulverized, that brittle shell washed away and left everything wide open. All was paused as I remained on the couch, stunned and unsteady. My thoughts all glanced at each other in confusion, blinking in the sudden light.

What happens now?

Then Clara said one thing to me: ‘Let me go... ‘

It wasn’t really her speaking, of course. I wondered what message she would’ve had for me if I’d answered her question with a ‘yes’ instead. But then I realized she would have spoken the same thing. And to answer with that word would have been just another mask...

It was inevitable, in the end, and these three words that passed her lips unpaused the world inside my head. Everything moved again. A long time passed during which lunch remained unmade and wine remained undrunk. I was only aware of Clara’s graceful arms caressing me. Everything that had been trying to escape since I’d left Montauk was now parading out, free to do so, regaling me with all manner of greetings both fair and foul. I watched, even waved at a few laughing demons that were marching in the exodus.

Good riddance...

Worlds of possibility passed by, expectations and hopes, failures and victories. Gradually, like rocks emerging at lowest tide, patterns started becoming visible. Little memories, suddenly clarified, connected where before they’d been only unrelated islands. In a way it was like a drawing of textured paint, forming an image, which in just the right light, was invisible.

But Clara’s question had abruptly changed the light, putting many things in plain sight ... And what a picture now started to emerge...

Holy shit...

When the procession was finally over, there was much less to see, hear, and feel. A pervasive calm pulled me back to the present and into Clara’s living room. Oddly, neither the victor nor the loser of my recent death match had stuck around. Hope, gone; but also hopelessness had marched away. Other thoughts that had been drowned out in the constant din of recent despair were suddenly speaking softly, and the things they said were unexpected ... I was most glad that they’d stayed behind.

It took me a long while to sort things out and come to my senses. Luckily Clara was a very patient woman and didn’t mind the silence.

“Thank you,” I breathed, feeling like it had been ages since I’d spoken such words and truly felt them. “For helping Heather. I’m thinking now that she called you back in April? When she found out about her dad?”

Clara nodded, smiling sadly. “She did indeed. And several times after.”

I shook my head in amazement. “And can I ask you something else?”

“Sure. But first you have to take care of some yard work.”

I gaped at her, and then we both broke into laughter at her silly joke.

“Of course you can ask me,” she eventually amended.

“Have you heard from her recently?”

“Not since she left for Maine. We finally met in person during the park concert. And she stopped by briefly the next morning to say goodbye and tell me that she’d managed to go through with it; with telling you.” Clara took my hand in hers. “She was absolutely petrified, Matt, and she wasn’t sure she was going to be able to do it.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“I have not talked to her since, but she told me she would not be calling me anymore, so that’s as expected.”

I turned to look around at her living room, a feeling of strange wonder continuing to fill my empty insides.

“How much do you know?” I asked.

She took a breath, her smile turning mysterious. “I know ... enough.”

I chuckled lightly, but it soon blossomed into a full-on laugh as I saw more little bits of puzzle, fitting each other.

“Oh my god...” I breathed, as suddenly the image of the jigsaw formed into something even more recognizable.

Clara smiled impishly beside me as complete mirth took over for just a bit.

Heather ... You crazy, wonderful, absurd creature...

“I just realized something,” I began. “Back in December, for Christmas, Heather gave Lara and me a treasure hunt, around our house. It was pretty intense and pretty fun.”

“Nothing like a good scavenger hunt,” Clara agreed, smiling.

“Yeah. And in April, when we were in Montauk, she left me a note in my room one night, asking me to come to this pier that we used to hang out at. And I thought she was starting another hunt, because it was kind of strange, and exciting at first. But then it wasn’t a hunt, because that was the night she told me about her dad. But...” I grinned, turning to Clara as I continued. “But now, I realize, it kind of is a treasure hunt after all, in a way!”

She eyed me. “How so?”

I shook my head in wonder as the avalanche further intensified. Muireann, and now Clara ... Who else?

“She set things—” I started.

But then I was completely overwhelmed, as I saw the sea surrounding me, comforting, caring for everything I needed, even as I didn’t know what I myself needed. I was in her embrace. Always! Even when I didn’t know it, and when she was far away from me, fixing herself, she was somehow helping me fix myself. It was endless love, easily found everywhere if I only had the wherewithal to stop being an idiot and simply feel it.

And the next step in the hunt, now ... I shivered at the memory of that final night by the stream, which had been shrouded ever since ... All of her words suddenly became clear. So obvious, so absurd, and yet so completely necessary. She even told me, against her will, back then ... You blind fool.

Clara rubbed my arm. “She loves you, Matt.”

I nodded, rubbing at my wet cheeks. “I know. When she made the hunt in December, it was so intricate ... She planned it for months, anticipating almost everything that could happen. Even our mess-ups, she knew what they’d be. Red herrings, she called them. She had my parents involved, and Shannon ... It was, honestly, a bit scary. But somehow...”

“What was the prize at Christmas?” Clara asked.

“Um...” I blanked. “Huh, I couldn’t even remember for a second! But yeah, it was tickets to a music festival. It’s coming up next month, actually.”

“And what’s the prize this time?” she asked.

I turned to look at her, my body feeling light, my mind unsteadily empty. “I don’t know, and ... I actually don’t care.”

“You mean, it’s not Heather?” Clara suggested, her smile enigmatic again.

“No. There ... is no prize, really. Not anything that matters. Not even concert tickets.” I turned to Clara again. “This is kind of unbelievable. I mean, she’s been gone for two months, but somehow she knew I’d be here talking to you this summer.”

She nodded. “She was very ... well, specific about what might happen. I wasn’t sure I believed her. And yet here you are.”

I laughed. “I wonder how many other people in my life carry around all these other secret instructions from her, just in case something happens a certain way!”

Clara joined in laughing with me. “I wouldn’t be surprised!”

“But even that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I know what I have to do, now.”

I sighed, closing my eyes as I felt something that had been lacking for a long time: a sense of peace and ease.

“Thank you,” I said to her.

“I did nothing,” she deflected. “You can thank Heather, if you see her again someday.”

“Someday,” I repeated, and for the first time, I didn’t feel mostly despair at the idea.

Someday...

I had no idea what the months would bring ... Even the hours were unknown. Hell, the rest of the evening was already blown wide open, compared to what I would’ve expected earlier in the day. But that was a beautiful thought. I didn’t have to wait for anything. Certainly not for Heather. That was a pointless exercise if there ever was one. The Heather I’d known had just marched happily in that parade that recently left my mind, never to come back.

“You know, I still don’t really know exactly what she’s doing up there,” I murmured.

Clara nodded. “I understand. But I can’t help you there. I know as much as you do in that respect. I do know she has a purpose to her disappearance, but not what it is. She was far more concerned about you, whenever we spoke. Especially toward the end, as she got up the courage to make it happen.”

I shivered. “Okay ... But I mean, finding out about Frej was such a shock to her. Sometimes I hope she just didn’t make an excuse about going to Maine, but really, she took off for some other country to disappear. Or ... worse. Do you think she’ll be okay?”

Clara clasped her hands together. “I can’t say for certain, of course. But Heather is...”

I waited.

She tried again. “I’ve taught for some years now, and before that I danced professionally. Ballet can be brutal. I’ve seen people struggle, and I’ve seen people break, to the point of ... well, to the worst of places. And I’ve seen people fight and I’ve seen people shine.” She stood, wandering to the dining table to retrieve her forgotten wine glass. Seated again, she took a sip and continued. “And I’ve been through a terrible war and seen both the best and the absolute worst evil in people ... But even with all that, I can’t say I’ve ever met anyone quite like Heather before ... So I hesitate to give you an answer. Will she be okay? I very much would like to think so. But she’s...”

“Complicated,” I finished.

Clara squeezed my hand. “Indeed. And I should say, now that you bring up this scavenger hunt idea, which I hadn’t heard of, I should tell you that she’s not doing all this as a joke, to toy with you. She really did go to Maine for herself, first and foremost. I feel that she very much wanted you to be okay with it. But in your own way, of course.”

“Yeah, and in her own way ... I see that now. And the thing about it is,” I murmured, “I love her no matter what. I don’t care if she never comes back to me, but I really, really just want her to be happy. That’s all. And for a while, I felt like I had to be the one to give her that. But it doesn’t have to be me. That’s ... selfish, in a way.”

“I understand.”

“Huh ... So selfish ... Yeah, it is, and why would she ever want to be with someone like that? It’s literally the opposite of everything she believes ... Of who she is...”

I took a clearing breath, swishing aside the endless unknowns. They weren’t worth the energy anymore, to be honest. I turned to Clara.

“Can I help you make lunch?” I asked.

“Of course. Are you okay, though?”

I nodded. “I have a lot to think about, so I’m sorry if I’m a bit out of it. But I’m actually feeling alive again.”

“If you need an ear, speak. And if you need silence, I can do that just as well.”

“Thank you, Clara. Really. This has been an amazing afternoon, thanks to you. I already can tell that something’s happened to me.”

She smiled warmly. “I’m happy to help. I’ve always tried to make my home a safe place for my students. And you are my student, even if it was only one tango lesson!”

“I’m very grateful for that. And I wouldn’t mind some more lessons, if you’re willing.”

Clara grinned impishly at me. “Well, well, I might make a dancer of you yet!”

“Yeah, that’s unlikely. But there’s nothing wrong with a little more practice!”

Who knew that the answers would lie in the cozy house of a ballet mistress, she of fine features and kind warmth?

Well, I did! Duh ... I’m such an idiot sometimes... ‘Clara once told me a story about her dad... ‘

That tiny pebble I’d dropped – completely by chance – into Heather’s mind back in early April, that morning on the pier after the great storm had dredged up her family secret ... It had not just caused a wee ripple and faded away.

No, I’d unknowingly pulled a ‘Heather’. That little stone had emptied the sea down to its very basin, forcing every last drop of water aside and laying bare the foundation of everything. And that’s what Lara, Heather and I would have been hurtling down toward—

I shook the thought away. We had to let the waters flow back. Then, and only then, would there be a surface again, a surface into which the three of us could finally plunge. We might end up splashing down together...

Or not... It didn’t matter, really. Not yet, at any rate. The most important thing right now was paying attention to where I placed my feet, because I was walking home and it would be stupid to trip from inattention and sprain my ankle. I’d already wandered off the berm once, about a half mile back.

Steps, after all...

And what a glorious walk it was! The trees, the grass, the mountains ... Everything was as if I was seeing it for the first time. Mr. Blind, indeed. I’d had no idea how blind...

I breathed in the rich aroma of summer’s afternoon, a wonderful time in the mountains. Everything buzzed with energy. I longed for my creek, but I knew it would be there when I got home so I set it out of my mind.

Along the road, I passed a couple that was loading scrap wood onto the back of their pickup truck. Against my usual nature, I gave them a jovial wave as I passed. The significant pile was the remains of a dilapidated shed that had apparently collapsed into a heap.

‘Yeah, clean it out, all of it!’ I cheered them on in my mind. ‘Break it down to the foundation and rebuild it new from the ground up!’

What an awesome sight to see them doing that job, even as I myself—

Suddenly I whirled around and sprinted the forty or so yards back to the house.

“Hello?” I called, slightly out of breath.

The couple greeted me kindly but curiously.

“You look like you could use some help,” I offered.

They seemed surprised at this.

“I’m not doing anything in particular right now,” I continued. “I’d love to give you a hand.”

“Well, that would be most kind of you, son. But you don’t have to do that.”

“I don’t mind. Do you have any extra gloves?”

It wasn’t hard work. I took the wife’s place and we loaded the truck up until the back sagged just a bit. I didn’t say much, except answer their questions when they asked. Mostly, I was engrossed in the smallest of details. The chipping white paint of the slats, the grain-figured patterns of the old wood, the clacking sounds they made as they stacked...

We took several loads to the dump, and it was the couple who ended up calling it a day so they could eat dinner. The wife went inside while the man leaned against his truck, wiping his brow.

“You’ve been a huge help, son. I really appreciate it. My wife doesn’t have the best back, these days. But she liked the hauling company’s estimate even less than the back pain, so we found ourselves here.”

“Will you do the rest tomorrow?”

The man nodded as the wife emerged from the house behind him.

“What time should I come back?” I asked.

The man waved me off. “We can do the rest, don’t worry.”

The wife approached and handed me a cold glass of lemonade. I thanked her for it and took a long sip. It was certainly delicious.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “It was rude of me not to offer you a drink earlier.”

I grinned. “I was having too much fun to even notice! So what time tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow?” the wife asked, turning to her husband.

“He’d like to come help with the rest, but—”

I found it much easier to get a date out of the wife, so I soon had the hour of my return.

“What’s your name, son?” the man asked me.

My name... ?

“I’m ... Joe. Just Joe. Enjoy your meal and I’ll see you in the morning!”

I turned to leave, but then my eye caught a small stack of cardboard boxes that the couple had placed at the side of their house.

“Are you using those?” I asked. “Or could I take one?”

The man shrugged and gestured most generously. “As many as you like.”

Soon I was on my walk again, carrying the gift, smiling, a little less thirsty, and feeling even calmer.

When I got home, I found Lara in her room. She was lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling. I glanced at her wall and found no artwork, glad that she hadn’t gotten to the paint-reproducing phase of things yet. Either that, or she’d become so good at it that I couldn’t see the drawings in the late afternoon light.

“Psst,” I hissed, standing in the door.

“Oh, hey,” she greeted droopily.

“Come on, get up,” I insisted.

She eyed me. “Why?”

“I need your help.”

I remained in her doorway until Lara finally decided to move. She followed me into my room, where she stared at the cardboard box that sat on my desk.

“What’s in there?” she asked.

“Nothing. Not yet, anyway.”

She frowned quizzically. I smiled and then stepped over to my wall. That familiar photo still hung there: Heather, fishing on the Esopus river ... How often had I looked to her enigmatic smile, as she stood in the rapids with the questioning fly line. Even now her impish little grin encouraged me, when it came to this rather paradoxical task I was about to perform.

With a steeling breath, I took the frame off of the nail and placed it in the bottom of the box. Despite my resolve, my hands were shaking as I did so. Hopefully, the first one would be the hardest one.

I did it! I fucking did it!

Lara was less pleased than I was, though. Much less pleased...

“What the hell are you doing?” Her voice was hoarse and hollow as realization set in.

“Time to clean up what’s left,” I said simply.

“Oh my god, no!”

“I have to. And I could use your help.”

Lara sat on my bed, breathing unsteadily, her eyes frantic. I knew the feeling, that of watching the last bits of something seemingly sacred disintegrate into the final, powdery dust, just before the wind would scatter it away forever. I felt bad for her, but...

“This isn’t how it was supposed to go,” she rasped.

“Supposed to go ... What did you think was going to happen?”

“Matt, I told you! I told you both back then that I never wanted to cause you to break up, because of me getting involved!” Lara wiped at her cheeks. “And now here we are? Are you fucking with me? Is this a bad joke you’re trying to pull? Because if it is...”

I moved to sit next to her. “No, it’s not a joke. And I know all that other stuff you just said. But listen, this is the way things have to go. Not how they’re ‘supposed’ to go.”

“It’s because of me that she left!” she cried. “I fucked things up, again, and now you’re—you’re ... putting things in a fucking box!”

I held her close to me. “Shh ... Calm down, Lara. We don’t have to go through all that again. You didn’t mess anything up.”

“How can you say that? How is this not messed up? I thought she would’ve come back by now! The twins are gone, so why isn’t she here? Why, Matt?”

“Lara, look at me.”

She continued sobbing, so I gave her a moment. At last she took her face out from her palms and sat up a little straighter.

“Hey...” I murmured. “Listen for a second.”

She slowly turned to look at me, but she was unable to do so for long. I held her as another wave swept through, causing her to crumple again.

Steps...

It was some time before she was able to hold my gaze, but at last I had her attention.

“You need to know that this isn’t your fault. Don’t go back to that place you started falling into when Pete cheated on you. You can’t do that, because none of that is true now.”

“You can’t say that. You had the most amazing thing with Heather. And now it’s gone, because of me getting in the middle of it.”

“Well, that much is true,” I said quietly.

She moaned in despair. “Oh god, so I am right! It is—”

“No, you’re not right.”

“What?” She made a tortured face. “I don’t understand ... What is with you all of a sudden? What happened to you today?”

“I finally found the courage to do something that I’ve been working on ... for months, I guess.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Something that you’re not seeing, obviously.”

“All I see is that I ruined your relationship. Which is the last thing on earth I ever wanted to do! My biggest fear about Truth was that, Matt. Ruining everything. And now it’s done! I can tell.” She gestured to the box. “You’re saying it’s over! Giving up, packing it away and—and moving on!”

I took Lara’s face in my hands. “I know all that. But you’re Miss Blind now.”

She blinked. “Miss Blind... ? How?”

“What you don’t see is that all of this...” I pushed my face close to hers. “All of it ... It’s what I wanted.”

Lara stared at me, her stunned eyes dark and volatile. “What you wanted?” she hissed. “What are you talking about?”

“Heather and me ... We needed to be over.”

“Oh my god, what the fuck is wrong with you?” she exploded, recoiling from me. “You can’t say that! I’ve watched you since she left. You’ve been a wreck! Both of us have. We were living off the twins since then, hanging on to them like a lifeline, those two amazing...” – she squeezed her eyes shut for a moment – “ ... beautiful people ... but now they’re gone. Everything is fucking gone! How can you say it’s what you wanted?”

“Miss Blind...”

For a second her face went bright red as she growled at me. “Stop... saying... that! I don’t know what you mean!”

I chuckled at her irony as I stood and moved to look out my window. I rolled the little white car across the desk, watching it stop just at the edge of the wooden top. “Oh, you do know. You’ve just forgotten it.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Truth, Lara.”

“Truth is a lie!” she yelled, standing up all at once in agitated wrath.

“No, it isn’t. We just put so many masks on it we never really saw it.”

“Stop it with the mask thing! That was a joke, some stupid idea we came up with to make our lives seem normal and to write some bad songs! How about this line: Nothing’s ever what it seems, Matt! That was the real truth, and it still is: that there’s no such thing as Truth, and there never was. I’ve had a lot of time to think this week, and all I know is that the two people I put on the highest pedestal, as far as love goes, are so far apart now that one of them I’ll probably never see again, and the other is about to put every last memory into a box and, and ... and throw it all away!” she spluttered, a complete mess.

I turned to her, gaining energy. “And why do you think that’s not what I want?”

Lara grasped her raven hair in her hands, pulling at it. “Because it can’t be! How can you even say that? This is insane! You’ve convinced yourself of some stupid and twisted idea to make this whole shitty thing feel better than the awful situation it really is. Just like in December. Somehow you and Heather made me think that it was all going to be okay, but it wasn’t. We opened up some crazy thing, let it out of the cage, and now I know it was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. And I’m never going to forgive myself!”

“A stupid and twisted idea,” I echoed softly. “Interesting.”

Lara glared at me in fury before rushing toward the door. But I stepped in front of her, blocking the way. She fought against me, pushing and wrangling.

“I can’t do this anymore!” she screamed.

“Lara, don’t go,” I said calmly. “Not this time.”

“Stop, Matt! Stop all this crazy stuff! It can’t keep going like this!”

She tried to pull out of my arms, but I held her firm. The struggle continued.

“Don’t go, please,” I said quietly. “I need you, for real this time.”

She thrashed a bit more, but her will started wearing down as the tears flowed. “You need me to go away,” she sobbed desperately.

“No, no, I definitely don’t need that,” I murmured. “You call it a stupid and twisted idea.”

“I can’t do this anymore...” she rasped.

“Maybe it is that ... So tell me though, is the fact that I love you like nothing else in this world, a stupid and twisted idea?”

Her hands were still pushing on my arm, but as these words seeped through the despair and penetrated her thoughts, her movements started slowing and eventually came to a taut pause.

“Don’t ever say that again,” she whispered, a desperate and warped sound.

My face almost touched hers as I pressed close to her. “It’s the truth, Lara. The real fucking Truth ... And it’s the reason why Heather and I had to end it.”

She shook her head vehemently, tears flying off into the air. “Don’t say that!” she cried urgently as she ramped up once more, trying to escape my embrace.

I fought on, despite the deep pain I heard in her voice. “No, I will say it! A hundred times! And you’re going to have to deal with this. I’m not going anywhere. You can run to your room, if you really want to, but I’ll still be here later, and tomorrow, and all the days after that. This is the way things are. We are going to talk about this, and the sooner the better, for both of us. So just hear me out, okay?”

Slowly, I let her go and backed away a pace or two, half-expecting her to bolt again. I wasn’t going to stop her this time, if she did. But she remained in place, her eyes closed, her face blotchy, her hands squeezed into fists and her chest heaving.

I finally took a breath and composed myself.

“You have to know that deep down, I want you in my life,” I began. “Not just as a friend and sister that knows little bits of me, but someone who can be part of all of me.”

I saw Lara’s shoulders slump in disagreement, but I pressed on.

“And if you don’t believe me, look at what I’ve done. I gave up Heather for you. Not when she left for Maine, and not by packing this box here, but back in December. Just like you’ve been saying all week: when we let that stupid and crazy idea happen, I gave her up.”

“And that was a mistake,” she whispered. At least the hostility was starting to drain out of her voice, even if the pain wasn’t.

“No, it wasn’t. Because a couple of years ago, I was fishing on a pier, and I got on this boat with a girl. And we started rowing away. But it was without you, Lara. Every memory I made with her, it just ... paddled us further from shore. Further from you. And somewhere along the line, I realized we could either go back and pick you up, or you’d end up turning into a small speck.”

“You should’ve kept rowing, Matt.”

“No. I can’t do that. I’ve been realizing that, both of us, really, and we tried to come back last winter. But then when the twins came, Heather and I had to row out again, because we all thought we had to. Because masks, you know, or whatever. Call it what you want; it’s just a name. So yeah, we tried again, but I couldn’t take it. The necklace, the visits, all our secrets, the twins ... You were getting smaller again. And there were so many times when we wanted to row back again ... Like when we were in Montauk, and I was freaking out about Carmen, Heather changed so many things in me that night ... And she showed you the necklace the next day, and I thought it was the start of it, but still we failed. We couldn’t bring ourselves to do it. And so we get to where we are today. We were wrong. All wrong ... Because there was no rowing back. The only thing to do was sink the boat, and swim to shore as best we could.”

Lara sighed unsteadily and moved to sit on the bed. “Matt ... I understand what you’re saying about how things went,” she muttered. “But Heather’s gone. The three of us aren’t on that boat now. You should’ve let me go. Now you’re stuck on shore with me, while the love of your life is gone.”

I had to laugh now. “Oh my god, do you still not get it? Really? Fine, then I’ll spell it out: You’re the love of my life! You, Lara! Like I told you, this is what I really want. Whatever my life ends up being, I want you in it. I didn’t quite know it, back in December, but Heather did. She saw it all. And through my trust in her, now I do too. It’s you, Lara.”

There was a very long period of silence, where the world seemed completely paused.

“No...” she finally rasped.

“Yes, it’s true.”

“This doesn’t make any sense,” she managed.

I waited, breathing as quietly as I could.

After a while, she looked at me, her eyes wretched. “Are you really saying you’d choose me over Heather?”

“I’m not just saying that. I’m doing it...” I said, gesturing to the box. “Right now!”

She shook her head sadly. “Then that really is stupid and twisted,” she hissed.

“Probably,” I agreed. “But it’s who I am. I love you.”

Lara sighed heavily and wiped at her face. “Matt, I love you too,” she murmured. “You know that. And I really appreciate your love for me, believe me. But I don’t feel good about this, at all. It feels like a dead end. Like I’ve kept you from a life of ... Of, well, a life of Heather, and everything amazing about that.”

I laughed a little. “A life of Heather...”