Chapter 49: Down by the Shoreline

I slumped in the front seat as Sarah started the car. She drove slowly, winding through the short-term parking lot, then out into the seemingly hundreds of ramps and exchanges that strangled the airport like a concrete octopus. Eventually the stress of navigating lanes and fighting off aggressive taxis dissipated as she started heading east on the Southern State Parkway.

East, yes, because we had a stop to make. In fact, the twins would be sleeping in their own beds again before I did. Then again, I wasn’t even sure what my own bed meant anymore. Or theirs, for that matter.

They’re gone ... I can’t believe it...

I stared out the window, watching the world go by in my stupor. So many people, so many stories...

Happy couples in cars, unhappy couples...

People alone, struggling with their own victories, celebrating their own losses...

And incredibly, a man in a suit in the back seat of a car, talking on a phone. In a car ... while moving! Unreal...

A girl my age, gazing sadly out her window, a reflection of my own mood...

I watched her the longest, because for quite a while, her mother drove at the same speed as mine did. We were at our parents’ mercy, and yet somehow it lasted for many quiet miles. Neither of us was in the mood to smile as we stared. The double panes of safety glass meant we could safely share everything with each other...

Then her car slowed to take an exit, and thus she left me; or I left her. Same thing, really. Everything changes, all the time...

The cold arms of urban sprawl eventually relinquished their grip on the landscape, and the qualities of the sea started to pervade my senses. Usually, this was a transition accompanied by growing excitement for me; but today, it was the opposite. A sense of loss and fear was settling onto me like a thick bank of fog.

I should’ve let Lara come instead...

There had been no arguing the issue with her, though. I knew she was imagining that I would travel to the far reaches of this island and find the reunion that she hoped for maybe even more than I did. But I didn’t believe it. No matter how I wished for her to be right, I couldn’t help but feel that for the first time in my life, the drive to Montauk was utterly futile.

The trip wasn’t pointless for everyone, I knew, so I worked on not being so damn selfish. Frej would be coming back to the mountains with us the following morning. He’d passed his charter captain duties over to Kent for the summer, so that he and my moms could work on their own Truth for a bit and see what they could find. I was happy for that, although it was minimal solace.

It wasn’t long before we pulled into Beth’s and Hans’s driveway. Sarah set the handbrake and gave my shoulder a squeeze. I didn’t have the energy to say a word. Nor did I bother going inside, instead finding myself running down the sand behind their house.

The sea ... I hadn’t seen her in so long. She was breathtaking, yet also seemed foreign. I felt like I knew Montauk as well as Gwen did: not at all.

I stood at the edge of everything, the day’s drive and bustle still thick in my head. I tried to block out the chatter of people around me that were cramming in their last chance at sunbathing as the light grew ruddy. I fought off the distant rumble of a jet overhead, perhaps even the twins’ plane itself. I supposed that the timing was about right. I closed my ears to the roar of the drunken speedboat out beyond the shallows, and even the general commotion of seven million people that still scurried around, a few hours to the west; what a din they all made! The sleepless metropolis continuously encroached on this point of paradise on the tip of Long Island. Someday even this would become a concrete octopus. Swooping cranes would fly up to pull high rise hotels out of the very sand, and Montauk would stop sleeping as well. Everything, a tangle of connections that was constantly rearranging itself in ever more distorted circuitry. Eventually there would be no escape; we’d all be shuffled around like little marbles in an endless maze, surprised to find ourselves pushed by unseen forces built by our own complicated hands.

Breathe...

With some effort I finally managed to carve out a tiny circle for myself, encompassing the edge of the water, me, and nothing else on earth.

I listened, for a long time. I heard many things, but...

Nothing...

If there was a message sent, it had not managed to swim against the Gulf Stream and reach this far south.

Unless...

I glanced to my left, toward a small dark stripe that jutted out into the water, an inky brushstroke on the dimming horizon line. I’d made that walk so many times, often to hear such life-changing words, but tonight ... For the first time, it was impossibly distant, and I knew that the effort would prove too great. I’d walk and walk, and the pier would remain impossibly far away...

Tomorrow, then...

I grew tired and the circle couldn’t hold. With a rush, the world around me roared in, a chaotic breaker that swept away the momentary peace. My legs gave out and I sank back onto the sand. As I lay there, staring at the sky, I wondered what the hell I was going to do. The things I’d always held onto were all being swept away, one by one.

I’d never felt more alone. Even Lara was so far away.

I should’ve stayed home with her...

I think I might have fallen asleep on the sand, though it would’ve been a light slumber at best. My thoughts kept swirling, as I imagined the twins on their flight... Is she looking out the thick safety glass, down at the water, and missing me... ?

Rely on Ireland...

I heard these words, but it was no longer the calm voice of the past months speaking them; it was me, desperately longing for what was no more...

When I came to and opened my eyes, I felt a presence beside me. I turned to look, finding Sarah sitting there. She saw me stir, and I was glad she said no words.

One by one the beachgoers went home and soon the shoreline belonged only to the two of us. For a time I watched the dusk encroach upon twilight. The waves were endless, a hopeless fight against angled land, and yet they continued through the eons to crest and break. The sea always had far more energy than I had.

“I’m struggling right now, Mom. I can’t believe they’re gone.”

“Yes ... I know how much the twins came to mean to you and Lara.”

“I wasted these last two weeks with them. Ever since the concert ... I was so down about them leaving that I couldn’t even enjoy it.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You had exams, and I saw the four of you spending every possible minute together.”

“Maybe ... But the whole time, I felt like I was getting squeezed tight ... by some invisible hand ... Like I was suffocating.”

“Sweetie...” she consoled, gently caressing my head.

“And now they’re gone. Everyone’s leaving me, mom,” I breathed, trying desperately to stay composed. “Everyone.”

Sarah took a deep breath but said nothing.

“And I don’t know what to do,” I continued. “I’m ... scared. I’m scared to death that I’m never going to see her again.”

After a bit of silence, I heard her scoot down and lie back onto the sand.

“I’m so sorry, Matt. I know this has to be extremely difficult for you ... But I don’t believe that Heather would never want to see you again.”

“It’s been two months now.”

“I know. But you’ve been apart almost that long before, between visits.”

This idea was as jarring as it was true. “I ... guess I didn’t think of that ... But it’s different. Before, we could always talk on the phone.”

“That much, I know,” she joked softly.

“But I haven’t heard a word. I wouldn’t even know if something happened to her.”

“The Martins would certainly tell us if there was a problem. Remember, she’s living with Birgitte, not out in the wilds of Alaska alone.”

“Might as well be the same thing, as far as I’m concerned,” I sighed. “What’s it like?”

“What’s what like?”

“To lose someone forever.”

Sarah swallowed. “Don’t say that.”

“I need to know. Just in case. I hope it’s not that way, but if it is, I want to have something to work with.”

She suddenly seemed to have trouble finding any words, and her breaths came in haphazard huffs and intakes.

“Please,” I urged. “Just tell me a little about what it was like for you, so I can at least think about it.”

Eventually Sarah spoke. “It’s not even something I can describe, but I’ll do my best.”

“I’d appreciate that.”

She gathered her thoughts before beginning. “When we lost your dad, it was incomprehensible. We built everything we had with him. We had such plans for our lives, for you and Lara ... Everything we did until that awful day, it was all based on the three of us living up in the woods until we got old. Everything, Matt. The life and the home you ended up growing up in, it’s not anything like what we dreamed about when Chris was still with us.”

“Really?”

“It’s not at all what we planned.”

“I ... guess I didn’t really know that.”

“No, you wouldn’t,” she said softly.

“Why didn’t you go on with your plans?”

“Because that day, everything changed. Everything we ever knew, it didn’t quite fit. Melissa and I still had each other, but it wasn’t complete anymore. We couldn’t fill the hole that Chris left, not with each other. So the plans didn’t work. None of them.”

“But ... the two of you seem so perfect for each other. Sometimes I wonder how...” I trailed off, finding my words cruel.

“How Chris fit in,” Sarah finished.

“Yeah. I still sometimes look at the pictures of you three, and it’s like seeing another family in them.”

“But you see, it was, Matt, it was. There’s a reason you have a hard time seeing how Dad fit in.”

“Why?”

She swallowed, caressed my shoulder. “Melissa and I realized that if she and I were going to be complete, we had to rebuild everything we knew, without him...”

My head whipped around to stare at my mom in the dim light. Rebuild... ?

“ ... and we had to do it before it affected you and Lara any more than it already had. So we worked at it, to close that hole. We did it, but it still is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.”

My head was whirling now. Such sadness everywhere...

“There was no one else?” I asked.

Sarah turned to look at me seriously. “No. It’s hard enough to find one partner to feel complete with. And it was no time to be selfish. You and Lara were going to be waking up out of early childhood soon. We needed a stable, loving, and complete household, and that meant the two of us. We had to put aside what we believed we knew and just rely on each other in a new way. As hard as it was to let Chris go like that, it was the only way forward.”

I blew out a long breath. “It sounds rough.”

“It was. We...” Sarah seemed to struggle. “We almost didn’t make it through. We were stuck, trying to figure out a whole new way of living, a brand-new plan. How to rely on each other, without Chris there to connect things between us all.”

I shuddered. Rebuild ... From three to two...

“It was like steering a car with one wheel missing, but also trying to fix it while still driving. Nothing worked quite the way it used to. But we had to try to keep the family going, and our jobs...”

The earth seemed to pull me tight against the sand. “I never knew any of this.”

“And that’s exactly why we did it ... So you wouldn’t feel it. To give you the best childhood we could manage.”

I steadied myself as my family history continued to rewrite itself in my head.

Cycles ... Endless...

“Can I ask you something?” I murmured.

“Of course.”

“How does Frej fit in to the story?”

Sarah sniffed. “A very good question.”

“Are you going through the same thing again, but the other way around?”

“Yes, and no. Frej is ... a wonderful man. And I will not hide it from you: Mom and I have really come to love him. But we’re in a different place in our lives than we were when Chris was with us. You and Lara aren’t little kids anymore. So it’s not the same situation. We have time now, and experience to help us. But yes, it’s not completely easy either.”

“Yeah, I guess it wouldn’t be.”

Sarah squeezed my hand. “I sometimes wish things could’ve gone differently, what happened back then ... But then I look at you and Lara, and I realize things went like they did for reasons we don’t always understand. I wouldn’t change it now. None of it ... But we can’t change the past anyway, so in the end that’s a waste of time to even think about, let alone talk about...”

“Yeah, I guess that’s true.”

“So I don’t know ... Hopefully that answers your question, at least a little bit.”

I took a moment to compose myself. “Yeah ... That was helpful.”

“I’m sorry you’re going through this with Heather. But it is different than what happened with Chris.”

Because you don’t realize that Lara is involved...

“When he died,” she continued, “we obviously knew he was never coming back. It was an instant thing, a complete and permanent end to our old lives. But you’re not in that position. Heather can still come back. You and her both still have something to hold on to.”

“Sometimes I wonder if that’s better or worse, not knowing if it’s over.”

My mom shifted in the sand. “Of course it’s better, Matt! Don’t you ever say that! If you remember nothing else from this conversation, then at least take that with you.” She sighed heavily and then whispered, “Believe me. The alternative is much worse.”

I stared at the stars for a while, mulling her words over. They made sense, and yet much was still missing, mysterious, hidden...

“I feel like I need to tell you something,” I said quietly. “I hope you won’t be mad.”

“I’m listening.”

I let out a nervous laugh. “Then again, you and Mom probably have us all figured out already.”

“It could very well be,” she replied, her voice sweet. “But usually it’s not the thing itself that matters, but the fact that the person trusted you and was mature enough to tell you anyway. Even if you already knew.”

Mature enough to take off the mask, even if it’s see-through...

“Then I’ll just say it. I’m in love with Heather.”

My mom chuckled. “You don’t say?”

“And ... so is Lara.”

If Sarah knew this, she didn’t show it. I waited a bit, but the silence would’ve been endless, I knew.

“And sometimes it feels like perfection,” I finally continued, “and other times I feel so lost, that I can’t ever see myself figuring it all out.”

She squeezed my arm. “You have so much time, Matt. Don’t give up. I watch, Mom watches, and you two both always figure things out. Don’t give up quite yet. I wish I could tell you when Heather will be back, or even promise that she will be. I don’t know ... Anything can happen in life. I thought Chris would be home for the weekend, but he never made it. But you don’t have to rush to get to this, or that. If that’s what it’s going to be, then let it happen as it will.”

“What if it takes months? Years?”

“One day at a time, Matt. It’s the only way. Without that, you constantly have nothing, while you waste your life waiting for something.”

Familiar words suddenly came back to me. Don’t wait for me, Matt.

“I know. I guess I’m going to have to do that now.”

“You’ll be okay. Life is both short and long...” She sighed. “I’m going to give you some advice, and I don’t mean to belittle what you’re going through by saying this. But whatever happens with Heather, you have a wide expanse of time ahead of you. This will be one of many moments in your life, some great, some terrible. If Heather really is gone, you still have so much to look forward to. This won’t be the end of the world, no matter how hard it seems right now, and no matter what happens. There are many people out there, many amazing people besides Heather. These days, I know that more than ever. So this isn’t your last chance, even with how hard it all feels. Don’t let all this get you too down.”

“Yeah ... Or let it get you too high,” I murmured.

“Or too high,” Sarah agreed. “Exactly.”

I let out a long huff. “You’re right ... I’ll be okay. Whatever it is, it’ll just be different, right?”

“It always is. And you know Mom and I are here for you, whatever you need.”

“Yeah, I know ... Thanks, for talking.”

“Of course. Now I’m going to go inside and get some sleep. You should think about doing that also, to make up for the last six months.”

I sniffed. “You’re probably right.”

“We’ll leave sometime in mid-morning, okay?”

“Sounds good. I’ll be in soon. I just need to think a little more.”

Sarah gave me a kiss and then slipped away, up the sand. The creak of the steps and clack of the screen door intruded on the night, but then it was just me and the sea again. The lighting was faint, catching the edges of waves and little else. The ever-present fishing boat lights dotted the line where black met black.

It was easier to listen now. The distractions were fewer, the waves louder, the despair about the same. I stood and walked slowly down the sand, the feeling under my feet cooling and hardening as I approached the unsteady edge. The water licked at me, and I slowed. It was so vast, really. The ocean was a path to just about anywhere one could want to go. I closed my eyes. The foam of the churning water sizzled before me. I listened to it, and anything else...

And yet, I heard nothing. Nothing at all.

In a sudden rush I pulled off all my clothes and let them fall where they may.

Fine, then. I’ll just have to trust in her. Let go, and don’t wait.

The surges started swishing past my legs as I started walking again. The explosions of each break grew more sustained, the water rising higher, as if excited for the unexpected night visitor. I walked on, not sure where I’d end up, and not particularly caring either. At the very least, a final swim was in order.

The surf held some power that evening, breaking forcefully but also quite smoothly. The turbulence beneath the surface was minimal, and rather the waves seemed to want to push as high as they could onto land. I pressed through the thick swells, letting myself be carried a few steps backward every little while, not fighting it but still making headway.

After a time, it grew too deep to stand and as such the white-topped edges could no longer develop early enough to spray me. As I entered the area of smooth and unbroken undulations further from shore, I swam outward for a long time, hearing Julie urging me on. Then I kicked up onto my back and let myself float, my eyes closed, my lungs heaving.

At first, my body wanted to fight me, trying to stiffen as I rode up and down the changing gradients of each passing wave. But this was no good, as it always forced my head under. Eventually, I managed to relax enough that my back and limbs all moved independently, following the curvature of the surface that rolled under me.

Settled and loose at last, I cleared my head and disengaged my fear of losing touch with the shoreline. The disorientation was rapid and for a time it felt as if I was being swiftly carried out to sea by some enormous riptide. The waves grew longer, steadier, the product of the bottom falling away beneath me.

I remained suspended there, miles above the seafloor and an inch from drowning, on the very edge of life. It would just take one rogue wave to swamp me, and I didn’t know if I’d have the will or strength to right myself if that happened. My mom had said that things would be ‘okay’. That could mean anything, though. That vast array of potential moments ahead of me could even include the one thing everyone fears most, at the hands of the unpredictable sea. Who could say what was ‘okay’?

After all, there was another man who was no longer with us. I knew him only through the assembled series of little instants captured on silver halide, which added up amounted to only the tiniest fraction of his life. And yet, his death changed everything for me. And to hear my mom talk of it, not necessarily for the worse. Not in the balance of all things, at least. He’d perished, and yet things turned out ‘okay’...

He didn’t choose to go, when he did... But he decided to drive every weekend, to place his life in danger to better our cause ... He decided to live, in essence, which in itself was such a huge risk. Just like floating out on large waves...

I embraced the thought, forgetting about fear. I’d put myself in this position, but ultimately it was out of my hands now. I didn’t want to drown, no, but I didn’t care either way just then. I had very little to do with how things progressed. I felt like the smallest of drops, merging into the vastness around me.

Let it carry me where it will.

I passed in and out of contemplation, losing touch with my body as I left it there to float up and down. The peace, of letting all that go ... It was detached. Lonely. Endless. Eerie, even.

Waves upon waves, harmonically blending... What does the surface of the sea sound like? I listened to its song for a time. Slowly the higher frequencies faded out, leaving a fundamental low pitch, sung by the rolling mountains of perfectly smooth glass. The wave became impossibly longer, slower ... Or perhaps time itself was slowing down. But those are the same thing, in a way.

This last rise was going on endlessly, I realized, pushing me ever higher. I opened my eyes to find the stars right before me, the enormous swell having lifted me out into the skies to let me greet them face to face.

They were close enough to touch. I was sure of it!

But ... to raise an arm and attempt it would be to lose all balance, sink down, and destroy all peace. Sink down, and drown...

No thanks...

So I closed my eyes, and the stars did not bother me again. I didn’t need them. Besides, they couldn’t be touched. Only a fool would think otherwise.

The sea and the darkness closed in.

When I came to, the ocean had become hard and still. I opened my sleepy eyes and turned my head to see dark sand stretching out before me. I sat up slowly, finding the water’s edge calm and distant, a far lower tide than the one that must have carried me to this resting place on the shore. The ocean spread away, illuminated by the just rising moon. Now the fishing boats were strung along the line where night blue met sea silver.