Chapter 48: Down On My Knees

Sunday was a complete waste. I spent the morning dead to the world, vaguely aware of being moved from Jonah’s cabin to Shannon’s car, and then to Colin’s recliner. At least the world was happy about something, because whenever I was semi-conscious I could mostly hear laughing around me.

In retrospect, I was obviously being hidden from my folks until such time that I was with it again; that turned out to be late afternoon. Well, maybe not ‘with it’, but a few hours before dinner I finally woke on my own and managed to take in reality in a way that made sense.

“Good morning,” Muireann cooed.

“Ugh ... My head is pounding.”

She had two white pills before me, and a glass of water soon followed.

“Wow, thanks,” I said, swallowing the medicine eagerly. Then I glanced at her and felt a rush of feelings. “About last night, Muireann ... I’m sorry I went totally overboard. I don’t remember much, so I’m sure I wasn’t too fun to be around.”

“You were fine, Matt. You went down before you could do anything too terrible.”

“Jeez...” I muttered. “I’m so sorry. Honestly, you’re the best of friends, and you didn’t deserve that. I really mean that. You’ve been with me nonstop since I passed out.”

“How would you know?” she teased.

“Trust me, I know. Every time I came to, you were there.”

She gave me a little smile. “I was happy to make sure you were sleeping well.”

“Yeah, well ... I don’t think I ever want to drink again. Damn, I can’t believe it’s almost four.”

“Aye. You’ve been out most of the day.”

“That’s ... messed up. What’s going on now?”

“I’m waiting for you, so we can go home.”

“Oh ... Where’s everyone else?”

“Back at the house. Shannon is developing the photos and then she’ll be driving them over to Gwen’s lad who’ll be making the cover.”

“Damn, I forgot about that!” I sat up, intending to stand, but the head rush made me stop there. “I want to go see what she’s got.”

“Me too. We can call over there and Colin will come get us.”

I nodded, and then stretched out more of the unsteadiness. “All right. Actually, forget calling. Let’s just walk.”

Muireann eyed me. “Are you feeling well enough for that?”

“Yeah, and it’ll probably help to get some air and move around a bit.”

“It’s a good stride.”

“If you take the road it is,” I agreed.

“And if you get lost in the forest, it’s even longer,” she retorted, smiling.

“Don’t worry, I won’t pull a Carmen on you. I can walk, and I know the way to my place from here.”

Muireann came close and gave me her hands. I stood up before her, feeling steadier than I thought I would. I tried to make my brain work enough to figure out what I needed to grab. Guitar? They probably took it with them. Wallet—Abruptly I felt the front of my jeans, patting the empty pockets with growing despair. No... !

Muireann reached over and grabbed my billfold from the end table. As she placed it in my hand, she looked at me.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “I grabbed it for you.”

“No, I don’t care about my wallet, it’s—”

She put a finger to my lips, smiling at me as she opened the leather fold. Tucked in the empty photo window was the little purple shell. The sight of it made me flush.

Muireann started to move away, but I put an arm around her waist and pulled her before me again.

“Thank you, so much,” I murmured, her face close to mine. It was a very intimate position, but I didn’t care, and she didn’t seem to mind, either. “I lost track of it last night, and I would’ve been pretty sad to lose it.”

“It was always safe,” she said quietly.

“Thanks to you ... You’re the best of friends, Muireann. I’m trying really hard not to think of how much time we have left. And I’m a little pissed that I wasted last night the way I did.”

“Matt, don’t be that way. I had a good time.”

“Sitting by my dead ass all night, singing to me?”

“It was a true pleasure,” she said very softly, and with such honesty that for a long moment I found I couldn’t generate any coherent words in my head.

“Oh ... Okay ... Well...” I sighed. “Still ... I’m just, um ... Shit ... Do you have to go home in a couple of weeks?” I suddenly wailed.

Muireann shook her head, her eyes blinking. “Do I have to go? Aye, Matt, I do. But do I want to go?”

She didn’t have to answer. I closed my eyes and pulled her into a tighter hug, cradling her in my arms.

“We can make the most of what time we have left,” she whispered.

“Yeah, it’s the only thing we can ever do. And yet I always fuck it up and waste it.”

“Shh...” she consoled.

After a time, we separated and collected ourselves.

“Ready?” she asked, perhaps as much for herself as for me.

“Yeah. Let’s go and see what Shannon’s done for us.”

The walk through the woods was quiet. We picked our way through the maze of trunks, shoulders pressed together, my arm in hers for support, even though I was well enough to walk – physically, at least. The breezes played some kind of game, blowing one way and then the other as they combed the tree canopy of the last of winter’s deeds, in preparation for the coming solstice day. The peak of light, when darkness was limited to five hours ... Yet not long after that, my life would seem at opposition to that cycle. What light would be left for me after she and Tommy flew away to their home?

It would be down to Lara and me, once again. And that thought, at least, was comforting and made things bearable.

When we reached the cabin, the photo processing session was wrapping up. We had to wait a moment for the current print to migrate through the process before entering the darkroom. When we were finally allowed in, the drying wire held three photos, and a fourth was in the rinse tray.

Lara and Shannon squinted at us, while Tommy remained reclined on the bed, his arms behind his head. Colin was lounging in a chair he’d dragged in.

“He’s alive,” Lara teased.

“Yeah, yeah,” I drawled, stepping right to the photos. “Wow, Shannon, I like what I’m seeing!”

“Look at this one,” she urged, indicating the print that swam in the shallow tray.

My eyes went wide at the spread of us in front of Jonah’s forest. “Now that is fucking cool!”

Colin came close as we gathered around.

“Okay, back up, everyone,” Shannon chided. “Let me get it out and we can see it right.”

“You were the one who said to look,” I reminded her.

She only had a certain expression to offer me in return.

Once she had the print hanging on the wire, I turned the lights up even more. Except for Tommy, we all examined the selection.

“Lara, you just need wings and you’d look like the Swan Song logo,” I quipped.

Colin laughed, but the girls gave me quizzical expressions, so I went into the main room and found a Led Zeppelin cassette.

“See?”

Lara laughed. “You know, you’re right!”

“Do you have wings?” Shannon asked. “We could go retake the shot!”

“I think I’ll pass,” Lara replied, giggling.

“Well, we need to get these up to the guy,” Shannon remarked. “Who wants to come?”

“Me!” Lara said, and Tommy joined her in agreement.

“Where do you have to go again?” I asked.

“Ravena,” Shannon replied. “I have the directions from Gwen.”

“Hmm ... I think I’ll probably hang here and relax,” I said, unsure if my stomach was up for a long car ride. “If that’s okay.”

“Of course!”

“Thanks, Shannon, for doing this,” I added, giving her a hug.

“I’m happy to! And I can’t wait to hear the album. But okay, we better get on the road. Anyone else coming?”

“I’ll stay with Matt,” Muireann said.

“I’ll come if I can drive!” Colin said.

Shannon giggled as she collected the prints carefully. “Sure.”

It wasn’t long before the two pairs roared away with a spin of tires in the dirt. I had a feeling that the ride there and back was going to be a little faster than I’d first imagined, now that Colin was at the wheel.

“I think it’ll be interesting,” I mused as I stood there with my arm in the crook of Muireann’s, feeling a bit like Tommy must have, all these years.

“What will be interesting?”

“To see whose stomach feels better when they get back. Mine, or theirs!”

She giggled as we turned and made for the cabin. “Aye, you might overtake them in recovery,” she agreed. “What do you want to do?”

“What we always do. Go up to the pool, play music, swim, and just enjoy the afternoon.”

She gave me a happy smile, and we went to do exactly that.

I was nervous as hell but also wildly giddy when the six of us went into the school’s administrative offices on Monday morning before classes started. Somehow, we’d convinced Gwen to join us, even if she looked like she’d rather be getting her eyes pierced.

Robin, Dr. Kendall’s assistant, smiled at us. “Good morning! Can I help you with something?”

“Is Dr. K available?” I asked.

Really Matt? Dr. K?

Luckily Robin didn’t balk at my invented nickname. “He’s in his office but he is occupied at the moment.”

“It shouldn’t take long. We just want to give him something,” I said, holding the bag up.

“If you’d like, you can leave it with me, and I can give it to him shortly.”

For some reason I was feeling mischievous. It was probably the wild giddiness that did it, not the hellacious nerves.

“I would, but are you comfortable hanging on to this?” I asked.

I stepped around to the side of the desk and tipped the bag. Robin peered in for a long moment and then spun around to lift the phone.

“Dr. Kendall ... I think you should come out here ... No, it can’t wait.”

I took a deep breath as we all turned to face the principal’s office. It took longer than was good for my anxiety, but finally the door opened. For a second, he looked around as if expecting a problem. Then he noticed us.

“Ah, my favorite band!” he called out, his face softening.

“I thought you said you were a Deadhead,” I joked.

“Yes, but ... Sometimes you have to hang it up and see what tomorrow brings. What can I do for you?”

“Well, on Saturday night, a friend we know helped us put on another benefit show, for the memorial fund.”

Dr. Kendall’s face shifted into surprise. “Another concert?”

“Yeah, he has a big house and he lets bands play there. So we did a show and collected donations.”

Yep, that’s just about enough detail about it... ! I shoved aside the Lion Depissalyzer 12000 that flashed in my head, along with...

Pears... ? That’s random...

Dr. Kendall looked very impressed now. His smile was quite proud. Even Mr. Blind could see that. I almost felt bad, about what was coming.

“That’s ... incredible! Like I said, my favorite band!” He grinned broadly. “How did it go?”

“We had a decent crowd. We, uh, made a recording, which we’re, um...”

“We’re going to sell tapes and give half the money to the fund,” Lara finished, since I’d petered out.

Now his expression was really making me feel awkward. I started wanting to disappear. This is excessive...

Previously ignored voices in my head were now screaming at me. You should’ve just left the bag with Robin. What the hell were you thinking?

But I have to explain how we got the money!

“We also took donations through a raffle,” I continued, though my voice was becoming unsteady. “We wanted to give you what we collected so far, to put in the fund. And when the album is done, we’ll get you the sales money as it comes in.”

“This is ... unexpected. You all have gone above and beyond anything I ever imagined when you first brought up this idea of a memorial fund, Matt. And now this ... All of you, you should be very proud of yourselves!”

And yet I was feeling almost exactly the opposite of that, just then.

“Anyway, here it is,” I rasped hoarsely.

I held out the bag. Dr. Kendall gave it an odd look as he grabbed the handles.

“What’s this?”

“The donations we collected on Saturday.”

Please don’t open it ... Please don’t open it ... Please don’t open it...

“We, uh, really need to get to class now,” I added, starting for the door. “Or we’ll be late...”

I wanted to run away and quickly. But the time for leaving had passed. None of my other band mates were helping by just standing there.

So it got worse. Dr. Kendall’s hands were separating the handles. He was peering inside.

And then: “Holy shit...”

I looked up. Everyone did, of course. One could maybe get away with that utterance behind his closed door, but out here? These very offices existed to stamp those kinds of words out of this building.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Robin holding his hand to his mouth, covering excessive mirth. Even Mrs. Quigley poked her head out of the medical room, her scolding tongue immediately stopped from delivering its imminent lash by Dr. Kendall’s most unfortunate repetition of his religious ode.

“Holy shit!”

Tommy and Colin were chuckling, and the two girls were smiling impishly ... Even Gwen looked victoriously pleased. But I was suddenly struggling for air.

It got worse, yes. As the office staff saw their colleagues gawking, they too left their desks and joined in, pressing closer as Dr. Kendall dug an arm into the depths of the bag, stirring the contents with a few spastic jerks of disbelief. Then he was staring at us like we were, well, aliens.

The questions from the onlookers started.

“What is it?”

“A gift?”

“A gag?”

My ears were roaring. I needed space, to be as far away from here as I could be, before I fainted yet again in front of Dr. Kendall and everyone else. At least the nurse is right behind you, another voice cackled. Don’t worry, she’ll catch you!

My mind stabbed out blindly, looking for anything to hold onto. Suddenly a vision of an empty rowboat materialized, floating gently out at sea. It was completely random, and completely beautiful, and it was the first thing I saw, so I reached for it.

Yes, solitude... ! Brea—

But before I could grasp it, I was ripped back to the situation at hand. With mounting horror, I saw Dr. Kendall glancing around at his staff-turned-audience, a happy grin on his lips.

Then he turned the bag upside-down. At first, nothing happened, and I thought maybe we’d brought an empty grocery bag by mistake, and that the money was still sitting by my door at home. Or maybe put in the trash bin by mistake last night, or perhaps even on a garbage truck on its way to a landfill this very moment.

Nope ... It got worse, because hundreds of bills rained down onto the floor of the administrative suite, an avalanche of complete excess.

I didn’t wait a second longer, pushing past my friends and slamming into the suite doors, sending them flying open with a bang, shocked that the glass panes didn’t explode. I ran like hell, down the hall and out the back doors. I kept going across the wide fields until I was well into the woods, near the balance beam log where I’d made yet another of my many mistakes some months ago.

What a goddamn spectacle ... Who do you think you are, crazy fucking Jonah... ? You ridiculous fool.

For a time, I was forced to replay the scene I’d just witnessed in my head, and I felt sick.

Never again...

A little while later, I was still sitting on the balance beam, trying to stop thinking about everything that had been happening to me ... It was impossible. Carmen kept walking through the woods, along with Pete, and even Julie ... Heather’s words flitted in between the visions, tempting me and even taunting me.

I sighed when I heard the crack of a twig behind me, attuning me to the soft sound of footsteps on the dirt.

Rely on Ireland ... yet again. But I’ve demanded so much from her ... Far too much.

“Hey,” I murmured unsteadily, when she stopped near me. “Here we are again, huh? Another moment of crazy you need to talk me down from ... Are you tired of me yet? Well, I am ... I just want to feel normal again, because the ups and downs are fucking ripping me apart. And I don’t know how it’s going to get better. When you leave in a couple of weeks ... what the hell am I going to do? I know you’re hoping she’ll be back, but that feels further than ever right now ... I don’t know what I’ll do without you, Ireland.”

“That’s so fucking touching. Are you done?”

I whirled around and fell off the log at seeing Gwen standing there, her arms folded as she watched me.

“What are you doing here!” I gasped, brushing at my pants as I regained my footing, my face burning.

“Listening to you whine about your life, unfortunately.”

I shivered. “Damn it, Gwen, you could’ve said it was you!”

“Why? It was actually entertaining. I mean, the ‘ups and downs’, they’re killing you, huh?” she echoed, her voice edgy. “I bet they are.”

“What do you want?”

“I want to know what ups and downs you have. They sound so serious.”

I stared at her. “Why did you come out here?”

“This is where I smoke sometimes.”

“Then I’ll let you get to it,” I muttered, as I started off toward the school.

“Matt!” she called out, her voice sharp.

I was so startled to hear her use my name that I stopped in my tracks.

“What?” I finally managed.

“What the fuck is going on with you? We had the principal by the balls back there, cursing in front of his people. We’re never going to be in trouble at school again, after what we just did. And then you fucking run out of there like you’re on fire? What the hell happened?”

I eyed her. “Did you really come out here to smoke?”

“Of course not!” she retorted. “I came out here because Muireann was going to run after you. But I told her I’d come instead.”

I made a face. “Why?”

“Because you need to fucking get it together,” she spat, suddenly coming toward me.

She flexed her arm and it seemed like she was about to—

I flinched ... but then she pulled the sleeve of her shirt up to her elbow.

“You want to compare scars?” she asked, her voice surprisingly unaggressive.

“Scars?”

“Don’t play dumb. I saw yours, you saw mine.”

I looked down at my own wrist and sighed. “Gwen, it’s not what you think.”

“I know a slit wrist when I see one. Believe me.”

I shook my head, feeling nauseous. “No, Gwen, really ... It’s not what you think!” I cried.

She was right near me now, still holding her arm out. “What are you talking about?”

“I didn’t—” I closed my eyes. “I didn’t cut my wrist on purpose, that’s what.”

She let her arm drop. “Wait ... So you’re saying you just got cut?”

“Yeah...”

There was a long moment of silence.

“Well, I feel stupid,” she said quietly. “Thanks a lot.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you thought that’s what it was.”

“Of course not. Why would you...”

She grunted and sat on the beam log, pulling out a pouch of weed. I watched as she unhurriedly rolled a joint and lit it up.

“How did you cut yourself?” she asked.

Does she really care?

“It was a piece of broken glass. It got me pretty good, but it was an accident, that’s all.”

“Oh ... Mine wasn’t glass. And it wasn’t an accident.” She exhaled a large cloud of smoke and stared at me. Then she held out the joint.

I waved my hand dismissively. “No, I can’t do—”

“Smoke,” she commanded. “You need it.”

I glanced uneasily at the school... Now what?

Well, if there’s ever a day I might escape getting in trouble for doing this, it would be today.

Gwen was still glaring at me. Reluctantly, I took a seat on the log next to her and inhaled a small drag of the bone. I shivered as the hard smoke hit my throat.

“My uncle raped me a bunch of times when I was twelve.”

My world exploded and I almost fell off the log again. “Oh my god, Gwen, what the hell did you just say?”

“You heard me. And yeah, it’s fucking true,” she said, far too calmly for the words she’d voiced.

I ignored the joint she held out to me again, too stunned to move.

“Why would you ever tell me that?” I finally whispered.

She gave me a disdainful look. “Obviously not because I was counting on you to make me feel better. Thanks for your concern, jerk.”

A wince competed with the complete feeling of tension that gripped me. “Fuck ... I’m so sorry ... No, you’re right, that was lame, but I can’t believe what I just heard you say, so I—”

“Oh, shut up already. I’ve told you before, I don’t need your pity, all right?”

I nodded slowly, my head woozy ... This time I reached out for the pot, almost desperately. She sniffed as she pulled it out of my reach, taunting me. But she soon let me have it. I filled my lungs once, twice, and then again.

“I’m really sorry, Gwen,” I said, the smoke accompanying my words in little spurts. “That’s ... just the most awful thing.”

“I didn’t tell you so you can give me some touchy-feely shit like you were babbling about when I got here.”

“Okay, I get that. That’s kind of why I asked what I did. Because I know you hate me, so why would you even tell me that?”

“Because everyone has their shit they carry with them. And so that you can get some fucking perspective.”

I glanced at her. “What do you mean?”

“Just because your girlfriend is gone and you’re sad about—”

“What do you know about my girlfriend?” I interrupted, suddenly feeling agitated.

“I know enough.”

“Enough?” I stood up all at once and stared at her apprehensively. “Who the hell told you anything?”

Gwen stared at me. “Calm the fuck down. And if you really want to know, it was Shannon. But if you tell her I told you, I will bite your fucking head off.”

“What the hell?” I was flabbergasted. “Stop fucking with me. That’s not funny.”

“I’m not fucking with you.”

“You ... talk to Shannon...” I said, restating her obvious lie with a raised brow.

Gwen looked up at me with disgust. “Damn, you can be such a dick sometimes, you know that?”

“You hardly say anything to her at the cabin!” I pressed.

She narrowed her eyes at me. “I hardly say anything to anyone anywhere, if you haven’t noticed. But obviously you’re too into yourself to notice what other people are doing, so I’m not fucking surprised. Whatever. You don’t have to believe me. Make up your own story if you want. Hell, here’s one for you: I’m going out with your girlfriend now, so suck it. She’s even living at my house, and we sleep together every night.”

I gaped at her, absorbing her heated reply. Then I started shaking my head in a bit of wonder.

Oh god ... Shan, and Gwen... ? What happens when you put pure light and pure dark together... ?

“I’m sorry,” I managed, as Gwen gave me the foulest of looks. “I’m sorry, but okay, I do believe you...”

“I don’t care if you do.”

I huffed, surprised to find Gwen offering the joint to me again, despite everything I was doing to completely destroy what little good will I had with her.

All my fucking ships...

“Gwen, why did you really come out here?” I finally asked.

“I have no fucking idea anymore.”

I glanced at her scar. “I’m guessing you thought this was going to be about something else.”

“It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, really, except when I’m behind the drums. That’s what matters to me. The rest is all bullshit.”

“I’m sorry for what happened to you.”

“Sure.”

“I am, seriously. That’s fucked up, and I hope you...”

“You hope I what?”

I looked at her. “Never mind. Whatever I was going to say is probably useless to you.”

She actually grinned and shook her head in wonder. “Wow, amazing ... I think you’re actually learning!”

She stood up and stamped the roach out in the ground. Without a backward glance, she set off toward the school.

“Thanks for talking,” I said.

“I still don’t like you,” she sang back.

“I know, believe me. But you can still talk to someone you hate.”

She slowed for a second, and then raised her middle finger over her shoulder.

I managed a small laugh even as I wondered why I felt so lightheaded. Then I remembered.

Because you just got fucking stoned during first period, Matt...

It was perhaps an hour later when I reentered the school building after spending the time in deep contemplation.

I’m better than all this ... And my problems are nothing compared to others ... But I’m still drowning slowly...

After washing my face for what seemed like twenty minutes, I walked into the administrative offices again. I knew my eyes were a bit red, but the water had served not only to remove the aroma but also make it look like I’d been crying. Shameful, but... Better a crier than a stoner in here...

Robin glanced up and his face immediately grew concerned.

“There you are! Are you okay? We’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

I shrugged. “Is Dr. Kendall available?”

“He is here, yes.” He lifted his phone and spoke into it. “Matt is back ... Will do.”

Robin gestured to the door, so I took a breath and entered. Dr. Kendall didn’t seem particularly happy anymore. In fact he seemed on the edge of misery.

I started talking as soon as the door latch clicked behind me. “I’m sorry about what happened. I got—”

“Matt, please. Sit.”

“I got dizzy and had to get some air,” I finished vaguely.

“You can stop there,” he said. “I think you have it wrong.”

As always...

I sulked down into my usual chair, half expecting to see it named in my honor with a little engraved gold plaque. Whether because I was in here too often lately, or because I was some foolish wonder-kid, I didn’t know. Both were disgusting ideas to me.

“I need to apologize to you,” he finally said. “My actions earlier were uncalled for. I should know better than to behave like that. But frankly, despite the years of training and experience in public service I’ve been through, I got caught unprepared. I didn’t mean to make light of what is truly a serious and incredible thing that you’ve all done. I feel like I cheapened it, and for that, I deeply and sincerely apologize. When I saw...”

I nodded absently as he went on, feeling it odd that my face was wet. The crying was supposed to be fake, goddamn it, and my head is woozy now too ... The world, it’s prickly, and ... His desk is zooming in and out ... Why is the desk moving? This happened last time, didn’t it... ? So weak...

That’s what the gold plaque would say: ‘Here sits Matt the fool, and so fucking weak’...

As dinner wrapped up that night, I was still in a daze. A daze of utter confusion.

“So, I got an interesting call from the school nurse today,” Sarah said nonchalantly.

Déjà vu... This time, though, all eyes fixed on me, not my mom. I looked around at Lara, the twins, my parents ... Everyone knew what happened. And the mood was rather dampened by everything of late.

Every thread is fraying, burning, changing...

“I’m sorry,” I said. “And I say that to all of you.”

“Do you want me to make an appointment with the doctor?” Sarah asked. “It’s not usual to faint repeatedly, even if things in your life are ... well, exciting.”

No, it’s not usual ... But when the mountain is hollow, it will always collapse...

I took a deep breath. “I don’t think a doctor will help.”

Sarah pursed her lips. “Well, will you please tell us if this happens again? I like Mrs. Quigley well enough, but I’m not sure I like hearing from her quite so often.”

I nodded. “I’m sorry. I’ll definitely let you know if it happens again, and if it does, I’ll go in for a checkup.”

“Okay, sweetie. I appreciate it. Just try to stay as relaxed as you can, since exams are this week.”

“On that note,” Melissa added, “You are all excused so you can get back to studying.”

I picked up the phone. “Hello?”

“Mattman! What’s up dude?” Jonah asked.

“Oh, hey Jonah ... I’m hanging in.”

“You mean hanging over?”

I sniffed once I got his drift. “Yeah, probably, even if it’s been a few days. What’s up? Please tell me we can come play there again tonight...” I said, rather quietly.