Chapter 46: Bleed Again

It was early evening on Sunday and the final music marathon was coming to an end, our last opportunity for rehearsing as a full band before Jonah’s concert the following weekend. Gwen was particularly intent about everything, calling out any and all problems she heard, and by now we didn’t question her judgment or ear. The only unknown was if we had the skill to do whatever she asked of us. Usually we did, even if it meant practicing it thirty times. Or more, in my case...

But now it was time for a critical run-through, so we started at the top of the roughly hour-long set. At the end of each song, we spent some time committing any last little decisions we’d not yet stapled down.

I was admittedly proud of my band mates. There was a moment as we worked through the transitions of Horizon Lines when I realized how far we’d come. The six of us were rather different, and yet when it was time to create these songs, we all came together, completely into it.

Eventually we arrived at the last song of the set, Other Side. It was the most challenging of the entire show, especially since we’d agreed to close with it. If we screwed it up, there could be no fixing it with a follow-up number. The multiple parts and epic length made it a trial to keep straight.

“Everyone remember the new transition into the ending from this morning?” I asked.

“Feels like that was a month ago, but yeah,” Colin replied. “Should we do just that part first, before we try the whole thing?”

“Sure. Gwen, you’re going to keep the beat going on cymbals at the end of the second chorus in part two?”

“I thought we were slowing down?”

“Oh shit, you’re right... !”

She smirked at me, which admittedly was as close as I’d ever get to a smile from her, so I took what I could get.

“Sorry. Long day,” I grumbled, even as Muireann rubbed a sympathetic hand on my shoulder. “All right, so we slow down, where Lara sings, ‘We’re gonna find... ‘“

“Then I jump into the riff for the third part,” Tommy said.

“Yep, whenever you feel it. Don’t wait too long though, or people will think the song is over! Anyway, then we ride it out from there. We build it for a bit, Muireann you start the fiddle tune, I jump in with you ... Then Lara sings the last section, we jam a little more, slow down and hit the last chord. Then we party! Everyone got all that?”

I grinned at the band, but Gwen only made a foul face at me. At least the others had the wherewithal to give a slight chuckle.

“A lot to remember,” Colin breathed. “And that’s just the last bit. Let’s go from right after the second chorus of Part Two.”

“From ‘There’s no point... ‘?” Lara asked.

“Sounds about right,” he replied.

Gwen clicked her sticks and we tried to jump into the section. After a few bars, we locked into the feel of the song. The slowdown approached. We were slightly ragged at dissipating the energy into the silence, but maybe it was close enough. Then we watched Tommy; despite my earlier warning, he waited so long that even I thought the song was over.

“Naw,” he finally said. “Naw, this won’t work.”

We released the held chord.

“What do you mean?”

“It’s the fecking climax of everything we’ve ever done. Why on earth do we slow down? It’s like a balloon shriveling up and dying. It’s shite. We need to do something else.”

For a moment, no one had an idea. Tommy drooped into his chair.

“Then let’s play the chorus thing from earlier, one more time,” Gwen finally suggested. “But without the singing ... Sorry, Raven.”

“What, the chorus from the first part?” I asked.

“No. This...” Gwen hummed the melody.

“Aye, now we’re onto something,” Tommy said, sitting up out of his slouch. “You’re saying to play it just instrumentally?”

“Um, that’s usually what ‘without the singing’ means, Chewy. So yeah, just crank it up, fill the whole thing. Maybe Ireland can play the ‘oh-oh-ohhh’ tags on the fiddle?”

“Aye, and Matt with me.”

“You don’t need him, but whatever,” Gwen dismissed, making me snigger.

“Okay, so straight in, from the part we just did,” I confirmed. “No slow down, of course. See, Gwen, I was right a minute ago, after all!” I gave her a shit-eating grin, to no avail.

“Whatever,” Gwen dismissed again.

“One minute,” Tommy said. He fiddled with the progression, and I joined him as we made sure our chords worked together. We redefined the new transition so that it made better sense.

“Let’s do this!” Gwen urged. “Come on, same place!”

It took several attempts to get the transition just right. But it was promising, and I figured that after a few more tries we’d find it to be decidedly better than the version that Tommy couldn’t abide.

A knock on the door joined in with Gwen’s stick clicks. I raised my hand to stop everyone and turned to see Melissa there through the window, her hands full. Of all of us, Lara had the easiest time reaching the door, so my sister soon let her in.

“Whoa!”

“Fantastic!”

Tommy was the only one who needed the news announced to him, but if he’d waited just a moment longer, he would have smelled the aroma of the trio of pizzas that my mom had bought for us.

“How’s it going?” she asked, after everyone dropped their instruments in favor of the grub. Even Gwen...

“Good enough that I didn’t realize how hungry I was!” Colin said, to much laughter.

“Stay and eat with us, Mom,” I said.

The break was needed, as fingers and bodies were sore. My left shoulder was rubbed raw from my guitar strap, and I could see everyone else stretching and massaging themselves between bites.

Once we were all sated with the food, I gathered up the paper plates.

“Do you want to hear our newest song?” I asked my mom.

“Sure, I’d love to!”

“Uh oh,” Colin sang.

“What?” Melissa asked.

“We haven’t really gotten through the new ending ... Not completely, yet!”

“I’d love to hear what you have so far. Don’t worry, I know it’s not a finished product.”

We soon took our instruments up and settled into performance mode. Well, everyone except for Tommy, who was still wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Great, my guitar is going to be a greasy mess,” I quipped.

“Aye lad, but that lets you play smoother shifts! From the top, then!”

Tommy kicked off the opening figures, and then Gwen, Colin, and I crashed in with the full rhythm. The energy was significantly increased, now that we had a small but very attentive audience. Damn, this sounds so cool...

Lara stepped up to the mic, and we dropped into the quieter form of the verse.

It’s the last day of a quiet war
Always thought that we could pull through
Of the million years I could’ve been born
I end up living in the same one as you
But there’s a tangle in this fraying cord
And I’m distracted by the crazy view
Time’s made a fool of me before
Hope it doesn’t mess you up too

I looked at Muireann as we played the little melody that punctuated the verse, leading up to the stop that preceded the chorus.

What’s the point of taking if you won’t give?
What’s the point of dying if you don’t live?
When you’re always on the run and trying to hide
Are you ever gonna find the other side?

Not bad... ! The opening was sounding much better than it had even yesterday. I gave Lara a smile as she listened to a heavier version of the intro riff again. Then it was back to the relative calmness of the verse.

I remember when we were alone
Wandering the maze without a clue
Of the million stars I could’ve called home
I end up going around this one with you
But we’re lost in this endless honeycomb
Can’t ever seem to punch through
Condemned to ramble and roam
‘Cause no one believes in what we do

Again we joined the two sections, more intently now.

What’s the point of taking if we won’t give?
What’s the point of dying if we don’t live?
If we’re always on the run and trying to hide
Are we ever gonna find the other side?

Muireann and I took over out of her last word, easily navigating the little jig we’d played a thousand times by the banks of the Roe. She watched me, and I her, our eyes rarely straying to check a fingering. It became too much, though, and soon we were grinning at each other as the band drove us on through the interlude.

We finished the melody and the rest of the band started hitting the repeated pulses that set up the shift into the second part of the song, leaving the bouncy feeling of the jig behind in favor of a more driving rhythm.

Lara returned to the microphone, her knee moving in time with the more energetic sound we sent her way. I closed my eyes as I let my sister carry me along, her words seeming to both claw at me and caress me.

They know I’m gonna crash and burn
They see I’m never gonna learn
So what is it they want from me?
I don’t think they know how it feels
They say that they can taste my fear
We’re flying miles apart up here
Say they wanna help me through
But never help me look for you

We gave her a breather with eight bars of chords that drove the song on. Then Muireann sang with Lara, adding a harmonized line to her syncopated vocal melody.

They told me nothing’s what it seems
And made me write you out of dreams
They scream with nothing good to say
And shut me up to waste away

I added a third harmony, but on my guitar. Gwen continued to build the intensity on her toms.

Their faces are too full and proud
And whispering too cruel and loud
So I’m just paranoid and stressed
That I’m gonna miss your voice in all this mess

I glanced at Melissa. She was smiling big, tapping her foot, and watching Lara with obvious pride. And why the hell wouldn’t she be proud? Lara had really blossomed into an emotive singer. As she launched into the next section, her voice went from melancholy and sweet to clear and persuasive.

Strange clock, it’s counting down
Tick tock, I’m not coming around
Dead leaves keep on floating by
And the sound almost makes us cry
I can’t love you the way I can
‘Cause I’ve forgotten who I am

Gwen started the long buildup on her two snares...

They’ve broken the best part of us
Crushed us down to ash and dust
Pinched our skin and called our bluff
I really think I’ve had enough
Yeah, I’ve had enough!

Gwen dropped the beat into a half-time feel for the bar before the next section began. I could barely watch, Lara’s eyes a picture of focus and yet flashing like steel.

So grab that knife, and cut me out of this shell (Oh, oh, oh)
Let me spill right out into a brighter hell
And I don’t care how much I’m gonna bleed within! (Oh, oh-oh)
Just take your blade up, and cut right through my skin

I shivered. God, when she goes up on that third line... We returned to the pulsed chords and Gwen punched the beat again for Muireann and me to play over, a repetitive figure that we added more and more bite to. I gave Lara a nod as we approached the edge of it.

They say...
We’re beaten down
We’ve gone to ground
Our world is fucked up and we’re losing now
They’ll never see
They’re never free
A million years of pointless history
And nothing’s done
Until it’s done
Until we’re back here and until we’re one
We’re gonna stay
Won’t run away
Their world is paused, love
Until we say

Tommy’s guitar and Colin’s high bass part made the richest sound as they pushed the harmonies to higher places, Lara riding along as her voice opened even further and Muireann joined her.

So let’s grab our knives, and cut away this shell (Oh, oh, oh)
We’re gonna spill right out into a sweeter hell
And we don’t care how much we’re gonna bleed again! (Oh, oh-oh)
We’ll take our blades up, and slice right through our skin

Melissa was standing now, wearing the largest smile... No time for that! I had to concentrate, since the brand-new transition we’d earlier worked out was approaching.

Because...
There’s no point
If we don’t give
Nothing matters
If we won’t live
Stop running
And trying to hide
And while they’re paused, love
We’re gonna find
Yeah, we’re gonna find
The other—

We pushed through these last lines of the second part, Gwen positively shaking the cabin with the drums and the roar of her sea-ride and sizzling hats. I opened up the knob on my guitar and watched both twins step on their overdrive pedals. It was like a flame spreading, overtaking the room, as the sound grew louder and richer. Lara cut off the last word and we jumped into the chords that accompanied the lyrics regarding the ‘knives’ again. Lara just hung onto her mic, her face stunned into bliss as she rode the wave of sound we made. The echo of her recently delivered lines was in all our ears and hearts as we reached the climax, soaring inevitably through Tommy’s shamelessly invincible chord progression.

I winced, knowing we were far too loud for the space. But it was too late to back down! Catharsis set in...

Suddenly... Gwen, what the heck! Why are you slowing—

The beat didn’t slow, though, it outright died. I saw Gwen drop her sticks. They ricocheted off of her snare and flipped to the floor even as she stood up. We each played on with decreasing intent as she rushed for the door and let herself outside. In another moment, the room was impossibly silent, save for the hum of our amps.

“What the hell just happened?” Tommy asked. “Gwen?”

“She left,” Muireann murmured, her voice strained.

Melissa peered out the window with concern. “Is she okay? She looked like she might be sick.”

“I don’t know,” I murmured, already setting my guitar against my amp. “Nauseous, maybe? Let me go check on her. Sorry about that, Mom. It doesn’t end there. But that was most of the song anyway,” I managed, finding my throat tight with worry.

“It was incredible!” she gushed, though clearly she was keeping an eye on Gwen, who I now could see was hurrying toward the woods.

I left the band to discuss the merits of the Other Side and started running. I didn’t catch up with her until I reached the small pool. She was standing on the flat rock, facing away from me, and I could see from her shoulders that she was hyperventilating.

“Gwen?”

“Go away,” she hissed, raising her hands to wipe her face.

I moved closer, but not too close, lest I join Gwen’s punching club. “Do you need some water? Or, sit down? You look like—”

“I just need a smoke break,” she said, even as she seemed to be getting a hold of herself by the second. “So leave me the fuck alone.”

“All right, all right. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

She whirled around, locking her darting eyes on me only for a second. “Of course I’m not okay! But what’s it to you?”

I stared at her streaked face, my insides tightening. “Gwen, you might not believe this, and you probably don’t want it to be true, but I do give a damn about you.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Well thanks, but no fucking thanks. You mind your business, I’ll mind mine. I don’t want your pity or your worry.”

For a moment, I was taken aback by her outburst. This was clearly no game, like I’d always hoped her attitude was. I guess she actually does hate me...

“Pity?” I finally said, shaking my head. “Look, I’ll leave you alone now, because you asked me to. But you can’t tell me how to feel. That’s my business.”

She turned away. “Fine. Whatever.”

“Are you done rehearsing today, then?”

“I’ll be fine, I said. I just need a few hits and then I’ll be back.”

I started to go, but then turned again. “You know, it’s okay to get overwhelmed by the music, all right? I saw you when you dropped your sticks just now. You can’t hide that shit. And no one’s going to think you’re weak or whatever the hell you’re worried about. It’s okay.”

I started walking toward the cabin, my insides afire. A second later I heard a swish of clothing and then was stabbed by a sharp pain on my right wrist, exactly where I’d cut myself on the glass shards of Pete’s front door a few weeks ago.

What the fuck?

I gasped as she pulled me to a stop and got right in my face.

“How about you take your own fucking advice and don’t ever tell me you know how I feel, understand?”

I stared wide-eyed at her, and then down at where her sharp nails still dug into my arm. The snakehead tattoo that lay on the lower half of her palm seemed to bite into me. But I now saw that the serpent had a body, slithering along her inner wrist. Gwen’s ever-present long-sleeved shirt had ridden up, exposing her forearm. My eyes followed the black scales ... It all happened in a flash, but in the angled light, I caught the bumpy and taut edges of a long and nasty scar, as it followed along underneath the painted body of the dark viper.

In another instant, Gwen noticed my glance and snatched her hand away, pulling her sleeve back over her wrist. For a long moment neither of us moved. Then, realizing that she faced a level of hurt far greater than mine, I relented.

“I’m sorry, Gwen,” I said, idly rubbing my forearm, feeling the divots in my skin that she’d left, shuddering at the thought of making them much deeper and redder of my own volition. “I shouldn’t have said that. I was just worried about you. But you’re right, I should take my own advice and shut up. Take whatever time you need. We’ll be in the cabin, whenever you’re ready.”

As I walked off, I heard another movement behind me, but it was not aggressive this time.

“It just hits a little too close to home, all right?” she called. “That’s all. You don’t need to go telling anyone.”

I slowed. “I won’t.”

“And especially don’t tell ... Raven. I don’t want her ... to feel weird about singing the lyrics. I can handle it.”

I turned to look at her. “I swear on my life I won’t tell anyone, Gwen.”

She held my gaze, making sure, and then she nodded once.

I needed to gain some control over my pounding heart before returning to the cabin, so I took a detour to the main house to get a glass of water. Melissa was back in the kitchen.

“Is she okay?” my mom asked.

I nodded. “She just got a head rush.”

Melissa eyed me. “She looked like...”

“Like what?”

“Like she was crying.”

I grunted. “Well, don’t tell her that to her face.”

She came near to me and put an arm around my shoulder. “It’s a pretty intense song.”

“Yeah, well ... It seems we all have some intense things going on. Some of us more than others.”

I shivered slightly at the image of Gwen’s wrist, which still was burned into my mind and generating hundreds of possible explanations.

“If any of you need anything,” she murmured, “you know we’re always here for you.”

I gave her a grateful smile. “I know. But sometimes we have to figure these things out for ourselves.”

“Very true. But only sometimes.” She held my gaze with about as serious a look as I’d ever seen. “Other times, we absolutely need help.”