Chapter 44: A Sweeter Hell

Pete didn’t attend school the rest of the week. The two times I called over to his house, I hung up as soon as I heard his dad answer. Even Bruno said that he hadn’t been able to talk to him since the day he canned Skinner. I was feeling unsettled again, but I held on to the hope that whatever was in motion was happening out of sight. It was all I could do, besides barging over there again and trying to force another chat.

In the meantime, I made sure that all my other irons were still in the fire.

“Hello?”

“Hi Shan.”

“Matty! So good to hear from you! What’s up?”

“Oh, the usual ... I have a favor to ask of you.”

“Anything for you!”

“Ah, you’re too good to me. I wanted to ask if ... Well, first let me say that if you’re not comfortable with this, then you can just say so. No hard feelings. I’ll totally understand.”

“Now I’m scared!” she cried.

“Oh, don’t be. So ... I wanted to see if you’d let me borrow your lights for a photo shoot.”

Shannon started giggling on the other end of the line. “That’s the favor?”

“Yeah.”

“Of course you can borrow the lights! Why would I not be comfortable with that?”

“I know they’re expensive and delicate, and I’ll be very careful, but you know ... Maybe you’d rather be safe than sorry.”

“You’re so silly, Matt. I’ll bring them over next time I come by. I was thinking you were going to ask me to pose nude or something!”

Um...

“Say what?”

“I don’t know. The way you were acting, I definitely wasn’t expecting you to ask about lights!”

“Yeah, well...”

“How many do you need?”

“I don’t know. Two or three is fine. Oh, and if you have any extension cords, like long ones, that would be cool too.”

“Sure. What’s the project?”

“I’m taking pictures of Muireann in the pool at night. Trying to make some sort of fantasy scene out of it, but we’ll see.”

“That sounds really cool! And now I see why you don’t need me to pose nude. You already have a model!”

Uh, this is different...

“Are you ... okay?” I asked.

“Yeah, why?”

“Just wondering ... But Muireann isn’t going to be naked!”

“That’s fine, but I didn’t know!”

“Oh wait,” I teased, “I forgot that you’re obsessed with that.”

“Obsessed?” she protested, her voice amused.

“You told me the bookstore story, remember?”

She giggled. “Oh, I remember ... And fine, I admit I still want to do more photos someday, but obsessed?”

“Definitely,” I said.

“I’m hoping you and Heather will pose for me again when she comes up next. I almost asked you guys when she was here in February, but with the twins around it seemed weird.”

I suddenly felt quite deflated. “Yeah, well ... We’ll see what happens this summer.”

There was a moment of silence. “Hmm ... I guess I should ask you if you’re okay? That didn’t sound too happy.”

I sighed. “Well, I might as well tell you.”

“Tell me what?”

“Um ... Heather, she’s...”

“Matty, now you are scaring me! What’s going on?”

“Heather is not really talking to me. She moved away to live with her aunt.”

“Oh my god! Why?”

“She got overwhelmed with the vision project, and some other stuff with her family ... It’s a long story, but she needed a break from everything, so she up and left.”

Shannon was quiet. “Why is she not talking to you, though?”

I tried to squeeze away the uneasy prickles that were filling up my body, having so quickly found the hole made by this new unmasking.

“She needed a break from us. Not because anything happened, but just because she needed to ... I don’t know. She said rebuild herself. Whatever that means.”

“Wow ... I don’t know what to say, except I’m so sorry to hear this, Matty. You’re not joking with me?”

“No.”

“But you’re, like, still together, right?”

Yes ... No ... Yes ... Yes ... Yes ... No ... Yes ... No ... Yes ... Yes...

“Yeah, in a way ... But also taking a break. I mean, it’s Heather we’re talking about. It’s impossible to explain.”

“Okay, I understand what you’re saying ... But I feel terrible. It has to be really hard.”

“Mostly I’m trying to ignore it, focus on school and Jonah’s thing, and take it a day at a time.”

“That’s good, Matty ... Even if it can’t be fun to be apart from her. Anything you need, just ask, okay?”

“Thanks, Shan. I appreciate it.”

The weekend arrived and the promise of a music marathon was another appealing escape from the darker undercurrents of life. Friday night, Muireann and I kicked it off by heading to our usual haunt with instruments in hand, leaving Lara and Tommy in the cabin to practice their harmonies and whatnot.

The bright moon added a silver highlight to everything I could see, as we picked our way through the trees. I couldn’t wait to sit by the city of candles and be accompanied by the endlessly uneven rhythms of the little waterfall.

“Hey, we can’t tell Gwen tomorrow that rehearsal had to start late because we had to shop for the dance,” I remarked.

“Well, you can’t tell Gwen,” Muireann corrected.

I groaned as I gave her a sidelong look. “Oh, you’re not going to pull a Chewy on me now, are you?”

She only smiled impishly.

“I guess then I’ll finally get my nickname from her ... Dancing King, or something god-awful like that. You know, I’m actually glad I don’t get a name. What do you think she’d come up with, for—”

I stopped talking because Muireann had abruptly gripped my arm and pulled us to a stop.

I turned to her. “What—”

“Shh!”

She pointed up ahead, to the top of the rise that led to the pool.

“There’s a bear there!” she hissed.

My heart leapt as I saw a shadow moving near the brook. Then I stifled a grin. “Oh, I think it’s Tommy’s man, the one that lives in the woods!” I said, my voice urgent.

Muireann pressed against me. “Stop it! What if it is some crazy person?”

“Nah, I think it’s just a bear. And they’re harmless.”

“Matt!”

“Come on. Maybe it even brought a guitar and it’s going to play with us,” I joked.

I started forward, Muireann following close behind me, a hand holding the back of my shirt.

“Matt, I’m frightened!” she whispered.

“Take another look,” I said, not even bothering to keep my voice down.

After a moment, she let out a little gasp even as I let out a loud whistle.

“Pete?” I called.

“Yeah, it’s me,” he replied. “I wasn’t sure if this was the place.”

“How many waterfalls do you think we have?” I asked, as we arrived at the hangout spot.

“No, I see it now.”

“I’m glad you came,” I said, trying not to sound too enthusiastic about it, just in case.

“Hi Pete. It’s good to see you,” Muireann agreed.

“Oh, hey ... Yeah, well I needed to get out of the house.”

“I’m guessing you’re up for jamming a bit?” I asked.

He glanced down at his guitar. “Sure, if that’s still cool. But if you have rehearsing to do, I can come back another night. I guess I should’ve called, but I just kind of went for it and walked over.”

“You can totally hang out,” I said. “Let me go get another camp chair. I’ll be right back. Get tuned up!”

By the time I was on my way back up to the pool, I was feeling rather heartened by Pete’s surprise visit, more so as I heard the quiet strains of a guitar coming from the moonlit forest, meaningless chordal warm-up that nonetheless was a most uplifting sound.

“ ... anyway, I just wanted to say thanks,” Pete was saying as I got within earshot.

“It was nothing,” Muireann said quietly.

“Well, it was something to me.”

I set up the chair and we sat in a little circle around the candles that Muireann had lit up. The silence seemed rather sudden as I pulled my guitar out.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

For a moment, neither of them spoke.

“The song she sang, in my room,” Pete said quietly.

“Mm, okay ... Yeah, you don’t need to say another word,” I said with a little laugh. “So how’s it going, Pete? You weren’t in school all week?”

“I know. I had an appointment on Wednesday, with a psych.”

“What did they say?” Muireann asked.

“They said a lot of things. So did I, I guess.” He sighed. “They put me on lithium.”

“What’s that for?”

“They say I have something called bipolar syndrome. I guess that’s what they think is going on with me. Turns out my uncle had it ... It can run in the family.”

“How does he get along with it?” she asked.

Pete swallowed. “Um ... He doesn’t.”

I glanced at him. “That bad, huh?”

“Yeah, but not anymore ... He killed himself.”

I closed my eyes and heard Muireann let out a little gasp.

“Jeez, man, I’m sorry.”

“I never knew him, so...”

“How terrible,” Muireann said softly. “Was he on lithium too?”

“No, apparently not. He wasn’t on anything, and eventually his wife left him and ... Yeah...”

“Is that your Dad’s brother?” I asked quietly, suddenly seeing that, as usual, things were never what they at first seemed.

“Yeah,” Pete replied.

“That’s really sad, man.”

“It is, and scary as hell, now that I know about it.”

“So is the lithium helping?” Muireann said. “You seem better today.”

“I do feel better, but they said it takes a while to kick in. So I don’t know. Maybe I’m just imagining that I feel better.”

“Maybe that’s just as good,” she murmured.

“Yeah, I’ll take what I can get. One thing’s for sure, the stuff makes you pee a lot ... Sorry,” he added, for Muireann’s benefit.

She only rolled her eyes.

“And I’m thirsty as hell all the time,” he continued. “But I’ll take that over watching soap operas any day.”

We laughed a little.

“Well, do you want to play something?” I asked.

“Man, I thought you’d never ask. I’m starved for some good tunes.”

“Pick one out.”

“I don’t even care, man. I’ll just play along with whatever you guys are working on.”

“It’s all original stuff,” I remarked.

“Even better. You guys have some really cool songs. I’m serious, I was fucked up the night of the park concert, but even with everything I was worrying about, you guys got to me with the stuff you played. I almost felt sane for an hour.”

Muireann and I both smiled at him.

“I’m happy you’re here,” she said.

“Me too, man,” I agreed. “Me too.”

We spent a quiet hour playing some of our material, showing Pete some of the different lines and chords that were the building blocks of our compositions. He always had been a quick study, and I had to smile when he often seemed to pick up things almost as fast as Tommy could.

It would be great to have them play together ... For many reasons...

“You don’t have a fridge up here, do you?” Pete joked.

“Yeah, just behind that giant oak there. What do you want, a soda?”

“Yeah, or even a glass of water. And I’m sorry, but I might actually need to go look behind that tree!”

Muireann giggled. “Lithium break,” she quipped.

I hurried to the house to collect drinks for all of us. Again, upon my return, Pete and Muireann were conversing quietly. I felt rather happy, I realized. That we had this peaceful grotto that he could feel safe within ... Maybe it wouldn’t do much, but until the lithium did kick in, it seemed that every little bit would help. And there was more yet that could be done, I knew.

“Bruno said you wanted to do some singing in the band?” Muireann remarked.

Pete dropped his head as he let out a sheepish laugh. “Oh god ... Don’t remind me.”

“What songs did you plan to do?” she asked.

“It’s this band called My Bloody Valentine I’d been listening—”

“Oh, I like them very much!”

He glanced at her. “You do?”

“Sure. Do you know they’re from Ireland?”

“I didn’t!”

“Dublin, I think. I’ve wanted to see them but no chance to yet.”

“That’s cool.”

“Though I can see why it didn’t go over well with the other lads.”

“Yeah, you can say that again. I mean, it’s a different sound. And not the kind of stuff you play for a talent show, you know, with adults there and stuff. It would rip their heads off.”

“Maybe one song would be okay,” Muireann said, grinning.

“Yeah ... Well, whatever. I was out of my brain that day.”

“Can you play one?” I asked.

“On acoustic? Not really. It’s a lot of distortion and even noise. Like I said, weird stuff.”

“All right. I’d love to check it out sometime.”

“Sure, I’ll let you borrow the album I have. A lot of weird timing stuff, most of which I can’t really play quite right, but it’s fun.”

“Sounds like Gwen would love them,” I joked. “Listen to this riff from Cake...” I played Pete a bit of the song, and he was grinning right away.

“That’s not too far off from some of their riffs. Cool stuff! Did you write that?”

“Nah. Tommy did ... Well, he wrote it regular, and then Gwen made him play it in that weird rhythm. I don’t know. I guess all our songs end up being a group effort.”

“That’s so cool. It all sounds good.”

I leaned back in my chair. “Thanks ... Do you want to try one we used to do? I know you like this one, because you learned it even before I did.”

“Which one?” Pete asked.

“Then She Did... “

He nodded slowly. “Yeah, that is a good song. You guys nailed it at the band battle.”

“Well, let’s try a quieter version right now.”

He seemed hesitant. “All right...”

“Don’t you remember it?”

“Oh, I do ... Just ... It brings back memories, that’s all.”

“I know. Best to let them come and then go,” I said quietly. “Kick it off.”

Pete started the loping chord pattern that opened the song. I came in with the four bass notes at the end of the phrase and then joined him. Muireann kept her fiddle on her lap, and I had to work hard to not react to her widening eyes as she looked in Pete’s direction.

Just as Muireann shifted her surprised gaze to me, a new sound softly filled the glen.

“Now her paints are dry... “

I was hoping Pete wouldn’t jump out of his skin ... And he didn’t. He had his eyes closed, hearing a voice from many months ago in his head. And so, the real voice now singing the lyrics didn’t even register for him, at first.

All at once, he opened his eyes and looked right at Lara, standing off to his right, faint in the yellow luminosity of the candles. His playing faltered for a few bars, so I kept it going, hardly breathing. I could sense that Muireann was in the same state as me.

Pete managed to get back on the beat again, still transfixed and perhaps wondering if he was hallucinating. But Lara stepped further into the circle, a glowing vision now. I stopped playing. The pair of them continued for bit, until eventually Pete couldn’t take it anymore.

“Lara...” he breathed, his voice trembling.

“Hi Pete,” she said quietly.

“What are you doing here?”

She glanced at me, and I gave her a supportive nod. “I was ... wondering if you needed someone to fill in for the show next week. To sing.”

Happy birthday, Pete...

“To sing?” he echoed, still entranced.

“Yeah ... If you and Bruno and Carl still want to do the show, I’ll sing with you guys. If you want me to.”

“Holy shit...” he breathed. “Is this a joke?”

“No.”

He was stunned into silence, before turning to me. “Will you play too? And you, Muireann?”

We both had the same reply. “Nope.”

Steps, Pete...

For a few seconds, he seemed lost. Then he took a steadying breath and looked at my sister once again. “I mean ... I’d love to do the show with you.”

Lara smiled wistfully at him as she placed her hand on his shoulder. It was the gesture not of a lover, or even of an ex-lover, but that of a friend.

“Then you should ask the guys if it’s okay and figure out what we’re going to play.”

“Well ... I think they’ll say yes, but ... Um ... Can I use your phone?”

Lara gave a small laugh, nodding. “Of course. Come on. Let’s go talk about the show, and let these two get back to work,” she said, giving us a smile.

“All right ... What about Tommy?”

“What about him?”

Pete remained seated, staring at the ground. “Nothing, I guess. Or ... maybe he’d be willing to play rhythm guitar? Since someone says he won’t do it,” he finally said, giving me a sidelong glance.

I laughed. “Sorry, Pete. I’m not playing the show. But I’m sure if you ask Tommy, he’ll play killer rhythm for you!”

“Okay ... Okay, this ... could work ... Yeah ... Let me call the guys.”

He packed up his guitar and then rose, looking at Muireann and me for a long moment. “Thanks ... Best jam I’ve been to in a really long time.”

Neither Muireann nor I had a reply as the pair set off into the dark woods. Once they were out of sight, Muireann grabbed my hand.

“You are one sneaky person,” she said to me quietly. “I was wondering why it took so long to get the chair and then some sodas.”

I grinned at her. “Just have to keep on trying, right?”

“Well, this is weird,” I said.

“What’s that?” Muireann asked.

“Going shopping for clothes while Lara and Tommy are home playing with my old band. You know, you could’ve stayed, and even played with them.”

“I didn’t want to.”

I pulled a suit off the rack. “Here we go...”

“Are you color blind?”

I sniggered. “I was just kidding. I know Lara would flip out if I wore that.”

“Why are we looking at suits? That doesn’t seem to match the theme of the dance.”

“I know, ‘Renaissance death darkness’ or whatever. But screw that. I’m not wearing ruffled collars or whatever the hell they wore back then. In fact...” I strode over to a salesperson. “Hello, I need a suit, and since you have like ten thousand of them here, maybe you can help me find what I want.”

“Of course,” the man said. “What style are you looking for?”

“What’s the most modern and sharp thing you have?”

Muireann sniggered.

“I have some good options,” he said, giving her an odd look. “This way please.”

“Lara will be most displeased with you,” Muireann warned.

“I don’t care. I’m setting my own damn theme, and it’s not my fault if she’s not ‘in the know’.”

“Can I still wear the lace dress, then?”

I laughed. “Oh, you definitely can, Miss Miri. You definitely can.”

I ended up with something I liked even more than I expected. The black suit was trim and cut, and Muireann nodded immediately and enthusiastically when I emerged from the dressing room.

“Not bad,” I remarked, checking the mirror.

“I’ll say,” Melissa chimed in, having joined us. “Not very thematic, but—”

“What, you too?” I groaned. “Let it rest, Mom!”

“Did I say something wrong?” she asked Muireann.

“He learned that attitude from Gwen,” Muireann replied softly, but not so quietly that I couldn’t hear her.

Melissa could only laugh.

While we waited for the pant length to be tailored, Muireann and I wandered the giant store, browsing and making fun of whatever ridiculous accessories we came across.

“Hey, check out these hats,” I called.

“I actually like those,” she said, picking up a fedora and donning it. She gave me a cute little grin from underneath it.

“That is nice,” I remarked, and her reflection in the mirror agreed with me, giving an appreciative nod. Then she grabbed a matching one and set it on my head.

“That would be fantastic with the new suit,” she said.

“Is that so?”

“Aye, so it is.”

Melissa passed by us. “Looking good!”

“Is she spying on us?” I asked conspiratorially. “I think she’s following us! Mom, you want one too?” I called out as she walked on. “Well, do you?”

“She’ll be wondering what’s gotten into us,” Muireann remarked. “We’re behaving rather silly, I think.”

“Well, when most of the time we’re stressing out about everything, shopping for hats is actually pretty damn fun,” I murmured.

“Aye, Matt. Let’s get them.”

“The hats? Really?”

“Sure. I’ve still enough money from Jonah’s.”

“If you say so. Hmm, these aren’t very thematic either ... so I love it!”

“Then we’ll get them unless we see something better,” she announced.

What can be better than these hats? We’re obviously getting the hats. Surely...

But, as usual, life never goes as expected.

“Whoa...”

“What?”

I pointed. “That!”

“Are you color blind?” she teased again.

“White is a shade, not a color. Don’t you pay attention in Jane’s class?”

“No, because you’re always talking my ear off.”

“Oh whatever!” I retorted. “But listen ... The other day when I told you that I had a dream about photographing you, I actually wasn’t kidding. And in the dream ... you were wearing that!”

When we arrived home, we had plenty to carry in. Also, I was broke again. I’d indulged my dream, and fortunately Muireann had enough cash for both hats. My mom picked up the tab on the suit, making the rest of it possible at all.

The clearing in front of our house was a mess of cars. Carl’s beater was there, the trunk open as he was packing his drums away. Shannon’s Camaro also was parked, and she was leaning against it, talking to Tommy.

I sent a greeting their way before heading for Carl, who was walking back up to the cabin for another load.

“Hey, wait up,” I called out.

He slowed, and I soon caught up. “How did it go?”

“Just like old times,” he replied.

I couldn’t tell if he was happy about that or being sarcastic. “All right. You have your songs, and they’re working out?”

“Yeah, man, we have it under control. Don’t worry.”

“I’m not worried, man. I’m just wanting Pete to have a good time at the show, all right?”

“He’ll be fine.”

I stepped in front of him, stopping us. “Are you okay with this?”

“With what?”

“Playing with Lara and Tommy, and with everything that went down.”

Carl eyed me with definite detachment. “Like I said, we have it under control.”

“You’re not going to do anything stupid, are you?”

He rolled his eyes. “You’re funny, man. We don’t need your help, okay? We’re playing three little songs, not planning a world tour.”

“Promise me that you’ll do everything you can to make this good for Pete.”

“He can take care of himself, you know.”

“Promise me,” I pressed.

Carl huffed. “Fine, I promise,” he said, rather annoyed.

“Okay ... Thanks for doing this. I know you don’t like Lara much, and you probably don’t like Tommy either, so...”

He seemed a bit less annoyed now. “Man, I never said that. Tommy’s actually really good, and yeah, I don’t like girl singers all that much, but I’ll play with her, all right? It’ll be fine.”

“All right. And if Pete starts flipping out, let me know, okay?”

“Sure.”

“Cool. I’ll see you around.”

I returned to Shannon’s car, joining the twins. Muireann was modeling her hat, and therefore I had to as well. We drew some appreciative ‘oohs’, before Shannon moved to the trunk of her car.

“I have stuff for you, Matty! Look in the back seat.”

I peered through the window to find a pile of colored snakes there.

“Dang, Shan, that’s a lot of extension cords!”

“You said you were going to need to get to the swimming pool, so...”

“I was talking about the old pool, which is way closer.”

She laughed with resignation. “Oh well ... Now you can do either. Probably.”

In the trunk, I found that she had packed four lights, so between the four of us we quickly carried the gear to the cabin.

“Thanks for these, Shan. I don’t know if we’re going to get to these shots this week, like I was hoping,” I said. “We’re going to have to rehearse at nights, since these guys took over the weekend,” I said.

“Was Gwen mad?”

I laughed. “She wasn’t happy that we canceled the practice, no. But when she heard we’d be meeting after dinner every day this week, she seemed to calm down. Well, calm for her, anyway!”

Despite Pete’s clear upswing that persisted the entire week, I remained worried that he’d snap back into a down period. The pressures of a show could easily take their toll, I knew. Carl was right; they were only playing three songs. But for Pete, even that could prove to be too much.

Fortunately there wasn’t much time to think about it. Our teachers were most unhelpful, giving us homework despite the fact that we were playing Jonah’s party. Not that they knew that, but I thought I was supposed to have all the luck ... Shannon and Colin were practically family, eating dinner with us between rehearsing. Even Gwen stayed for boxty on Thursday night!

It was with relief that the day of the talent show arrived without incident. The plan was for The Nameless to meet up after school to give everyone a chance to go over the set once more. Once Muireann and I left study hall and visited our lockers, we headed out. When she started down the hall toward the auditorium area, I stayed her with my hand.

“Not that way,” I said.

“I thought we’re meeting in the band room.”

“They are. We’re going home, to get ready.”

She looked puzzled. “I suppose they don’t need us,” she said, though she didn’t sound convinced of that.

I grinned at her. “Exactly. Let them figure it out.”

“What if they’re waiting for us?”

“Lara knows we won’t be there.”

“Okay. So how are we getting home then? Alice?”

“Sadly no. She’s going to bring Tommy and Lara home after the warm up, to get dressed. You’re going to finally ride the bus!”

She didn’t look as excited as I’d hoped. “Fantastic...”

“Oh, it’ll be fun. Come on, it’s a riot in there. Then you’ll really appreciate her driving us every day!”

The bus ride was anti-climactic. No one I knew that well was on it, and Muireann and I sat in the front seat because I figured the driver might need a heads up to stop at our driveway. Plus there was no point disrupting the new crop of kids that sat perched in the back seats. My friends and I had little by little relinquished those spots over the course of this year, so we had no claim to them anymore. Brian had long since become a stranger to us, Carl had bought a beat-up junker to drive, and Pete, well ... I had no idea how he got to school these days. Somehow, I doubted it was with Carl.

“See, that wasn’t so bad,” I said, as the bus roared away from us and we started up our driveway.

“I’m traumatized for life,” she joked.

“Of course you are. Anyway, I’m thinking a relaxing swim before we get ready,” I announced.

“Do we have time?” she asked.

“Yeah, for sure. Unless you take hours to get ready?”

She snorted in response.

“See, we have time then!” I said.

“Are you sure we should’ve left them?” she asked quietly.

I eyed her. “Well, I thought so, until you just asked that. What’s up?”

“I don’t know ... Something is bothering me, but I don’t know what.”

“Is it Pete? That he’ll freak out playing with Tommy or something?”

“I don’t think so ... But it all feels very ... rushed, for them.”

“I know, but it is what it is. The school’s not going to postpone the show to let them have more practice time! They just need to get through three songs, which I’m sure they can do one way or another. Maybe it won’t be perfect, but whatever.”

“Aye. I forget it’s a short performance.”

“Yeah ... I have to admit, it feels good, not playing for a change.”

“Is that so?” she asked, giving me a questioning grin. “I’d not have guessed that you preferred it.”

“Well, I didn’t say I’d rather not play! But there’s something neat about letting them all figure it out, you know. We can relax for a bit, watch our friends play, and then go to the dance. When’s the last time I did something like that? Always trying to do too much stuff.”

“We’ve plenty to do for Jonah’s show next week.”

“Yeah, which makes being able to chill with you tonight all the more awesome.”

Muireann patted my shoulder as we walked on.

The afternoon was indeed relaxed. We chatted with Sarah for a short while before excusing ourselves, heading to the pool with our towels. The weather was perfect, a preview of mountain summer. We were soon neck deep in the waters, soaking in the mineral distillation of surrounding earth, always soothing and invigorating.

“Are you glad you did the exchange program?” I asked, after an extended period of daydreaming.

“What sort of question is that?” she replied. “You know the answer.”

“Well, I don’t know. I’d like to think that you’d be glad, but a lot of stuff has happened on this trip. You have to be missing your home, no matter how much fun you might be having. Not that all of it is fun, but ... Oh, fine, you’re right. It is a stupid question. I guess I’m freaking out a bit, Miri, that here we are in June. Like, it’s actually June, damn it ... It’s the page on the calendar that you’re leaving in, and I’m just really hoping that we’ll get to the end, and all the plusses will outweigh the bad stuff, and that...” I sighed. “Yeah, that you’ll look back someday and think ... it was worth it.”