Chapter 43: Endless Honeycomb

That evening, I was once again drained. Despite the temporary refueling that Muireann had gifted me in the pool after the terror of Pete’s episode, the subsequent rehearsal of Other Side had eventually sapped me. I could also tell that Muireann was almost as wiped as I was. The song was intense.

It was a great relief when we both settled down into our beds in the main room of the cabin, her on the cot and me on the couch.

“The downside of sleeping out here is that you can’t go to bed until everyone leaves,” I joked.

“Aye, but it was good to talk with Shannon. And her photos of the food for your mom’s book are turning out fantastic.”

“They are. It’s crazy, everything she has to do for a shot, though, with building the dish up. I mean, tweezers? I think my mom was a little uncertain at first, since it’s not exactly how she’d present a plate!”

“One leaf at a time. It’s like a food makeup session,” Muireann quipped.

“Yeah. But they do look really good ... She’s obviously been spending a lot of time figuring this stuff out.”

“I never knew there was an actual job called food stylist,” Muireann said with a sniff.

“Seriously. I really miss seeing her around, though, now that she’s taking the food shots in color.”

“Is it difficult to develop color photos in a darkroom? I’ve seen the giant machines they use at Murph’s.”

“I think it’s trickier, yeah. Shannon said she looked into it, and there were a lot of reasons why she thought it wasn’t worth it. Biggest one was that she didn’t see herself shooting in color too often. Obviously, she has to for this, but she realized that the color really distracts from the kinds of photos she likes to take.”

“She has a fair point. I don’t know that I’ll be using color film in my camera again after I return home!”

I laughed. “I understand ... And speaking of cameras, we need to work on our own final projects for class soon, before things get crazy getting ready for Jonah’s.”

Muireann gave me a dubious look.

“All right, all right,” I laughed, “Before it gets any more crazy!”

“What do you plan to do for your project?”

I gave her a sidelong glance. “I had this dream that you were playing your violin in the pool, at night...”

She sniffed. “Matt, if you want me to pose for you, you don’t have to pretend it was a dream.”

I laughed, feeling a bit sheepish. “Fine. But I think it would be a cool look. After all, I let you take pictures of me in the pool that one time. It’s only fair, right?”

“I said I would do it!” she cried. “You don’t have to convince me.”

“Okay! So, what’s your project?”

“I’m ... not ready to say.”

“The mystery deepens!”

She giggled. “No mystery here. Simply no time to think about it yet!”

“I know,” I murmured. “Do you go through crazy stuff like this back home?”

She reached out a hand and found mine. “There is always some trouble everywhere. But you seem to have found more than your fair share of it lately.”

“Sure seems like it. But ... I will get through it. Mostly because of your help.”

She squeezed a little tighter. “Goodnight, Matt. I hope you sleep well.”

Goodnight, Ireland...

“So we’re going to the Spring Fling?” Lara asked me, upon barging in to the cabin rather noisily.

I only recently had gotten upright on the couch. I was still the groggy victim of a much needed sleep-in, but the sun streaming in through the windows was making short work of that feeling, Lara’s energy notwithstanding.

“Uh, I don’t know,” I replied. “Muireann and I are going, if that’s what you’re asking. Why didn’t anyone wake me up?”

She ignored my question with one of her own. “You didn’t think to check if we wanted to go too?”

“Well, you weren’t there when I asked her at the pool yesterday, and then Gwen was around after that. You know how much she loves those school social events. I didn’t think the cabin walls would survive that discussion.”

Lara sniffed. “Funny though, this is the one dance that she’d fit in the most at.”

“Um ... Why?”

“The theme is ‘Way Back in Black’.”

“What, are we all dressing up like Angus Young?”

For a moment, I had a vision of a young Colin running circles while lying on the floor...

Lara only stared blankly at me.

“AC/DC?” I prodded.

“It’s a Renaissance theme,” she dismissed patiently.

“Oh...” I eyed her. “So is that the official theme, or the secret one for people ‘in the know’?”

“Come on, Matt! Who do you think you’re dealing with here?”

“Um, you?”

She sniggered. “Fine. But Alice is in the know, at least. So don’t worry, we’ll be cool if we show up in black.”

“Well, I actually don’t care that much about the theme either way. I’m just going to wear whatever and have a good time.”

“No, you’ll be in black.”

“I don’t think so. I got that white suit for the last dance, and I haven’t used it since. So I’m going to wear it again.”

Lara made a look of horror. “Wear it again? Everyone saw you in it already at the talent show!”

“Like I give a fuck?”

“I’m going to make Mom take you to the store for a black outfit.”

“Are you serious?”

Lara finally relaxed and smiled sweetly at me. “No, of course not. I’m just messing with you. Now let’s go eat breakfast. Mom made some of that thick cut bacon she got from Louise and I’m worried the twins have already eaten it all!”

That got me moving. “Why did you even come up here then?”

“To get you, silly, so you could have a chance at some!”

“Aw ... You’re so sweet,” I crooned.

“Enough with the sappy shit. They’re eating my food down there, so let’s go!”

“Yes, Gwen ... Coming, Gwen...”

We made our way to the main house, where soon my nostrils were filled with the promised savory and smoky aroma. But although Lara hadn’t been joking about the breakfast, she had been kidding about messing with me.

“Mom!” she called out, after we greeted the twins. “Matt is going to the school dance with Muireann and he needs a black outfit. Just so you know.”

I rolled my eyes even as Muireann did the same.

“Is that so?” Melissa asked, as she brought a pile of delight to the table.

Just in time!

“Yeah. True fact,” Lara said.

“It would be so much easier if whoever organizes these things would stick to the same color from dance to dance,” Melissa lamented.

“Told you,” I muttered to Lara. She only grinned at me as my mom continued.

“But if you say black is needed, then we can go to the store next weekend.”

I groaned even as Muireann patted my arm sympathetically.

“What will I wear?” Tommy said.

“For what?” Lara asked, far too evenly.

“The dance!”

She hummed innocently. “Are you going?”

“Why should I not go?”

“I didn’t know you wanted to. Who are you going with?”

“With the daughter of Leodegrance, of course,” he replied.

At this statement, I realized that Tommy had caught on long before I thought he did, because his answer had come far too quickly. Besides, it was evident from the flash in Lara’s eyes that it had also sparked the ember of some conversation that only the two of them had been privy to.

“Um, that really doesn’t fit, does it?” she pointed out. “It’s a dark Renaissance theme, not Dark Ages. And you’ve already admitted that you aren’t King Arthur’s kin. And you don’t even have a sword, since you never got the cane from school.”

“Aye, and Guinevere was a flawed woman, yet you are perfect,” he retorted energetically. “But we will have to make do with the historical mismatches as best we can manage, don’t you think?”

At this point the room became quite red and warm, since Lara’s face took on the color and heat of a dying sun. I heard a burst of mirth from the kitchen, where Melissa had to stop stirring the scrambled eggs to give us the most amused of grins.

“Well, then ... Isn’t the bacon tasty?” I sang, trying hard not to die of internal laughter for my sister’s sake.

Lara finally closed her mouth and took a breath. “Is that your way of inviting me to the dance, Tommy?” she asked quietly.

“Aye, lass, but if it’s really that unclear, then perhaps I should rethink everything I know,” he replied, his voice suddenly a lot more subdued.

For a moment no one moved, and the only thing that could be perceived was the faint sound of eggs turning brown and overdone on the stove; a sound never before heard with Chef Melissa in command of the meal.

“Mom!” Lara called out giddily. “Tommy is going to the school dance with me and he needs a black outfit ... Just so you know!”

After we cleaned up the breakfast plates, the chatter shifted to the dance, now that everyone was ‘in the know’. I remained at the table with Tommy while the girls went to Lara’s room to investigate her selection of black clothing.

“You’d think the dance is this evening, with the way they ran off,” he remarked.

“I know, right? They always take a long time to get ready but starting two weeks early is a little much!”

“Aye, lad. Maybe it’s best if we go play some music.”

“Yeah, especially since they’re in Lara’s closet. They’ll never come out of there,” I joked. “I mean, it’s a good thing you can’t see that place, because it’s famously scary in there.”

Tommy guffawed. “Have you looked in our room lately? Believe me, I know quite well that she’s not the neatest with her things.”

“Sorry about that,” I said. “You can kick her out whenever you want, you know. Then again ... what was it you said about her just a little while ago?”

He grinned sheepishly at me. “It was all part of the act, you know,” he deflected. “The gallant persona. It still comes out in me, and often at just the wrong time.”

I laughed. “Fair enough, but you don’t have to be that way around me, man. If you think my sister is perfect, you’re not going to get an argument from me. Even if her closet is a disaster.”

“I know you don’t mind, lad. But I wasn’t remembering that your mam was right there. I hope I wasn’t too bold.”

“Don’t worry ... You won’t get an argument from Melissa about what you said, either. She had the biggest smile on her face.”

“That’s a relief, then!”

“Should we go up to the cabin then?”

Before Tommy could answer me, though, the girls emerged from Lara’s room.

“Find anything?” I asked, since they were still in the same regular clothes.

“Not sure. Maybe we’ll need to go shopping too,” Lara said mischievously.

“No, I can wear the one dress. It really is quite pretty,” Muireann said. “I would not like it for your parents to spend money on me simply for a dance outfit.”

“Don’t you have your band battle money?” Lara asked.

Muireann glanced at me. “Well ... I may have used some of it for film and photo paper,” she said apologetically. “There is some left, but surely not enough for a dress.”

“All right.” Lara headed for the back door. “Are you two lazy butts ready to go warm up?”

Tommy rose immediately and took her arm for the short journey up to our hangout.

“Ready?” Muireann asked me as the back screen door clattered shut and their voices grew quieter.

“Sure,” I said, even though it wasn’t true. I wasn’t moving, and in fact I was hardly registering the world.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, coming near me.

“I, uh...” I stood up, uncertainty coursing through me. “Come with me for a minute.”

I led Muireann into my room and went into my closet, taking a few seconds to locate a box I hadn’t thought of in a long time, but that had jumped to mind when the girls had emerged from Lara’s room.

She could borrow it, just for the night...

“I think maybe you were just looking in the wrong closet,” I said.

“What is it?” Muireann frowned as I handed her the box. “Oh, Heather’s red heels, it seems. But Lara says we’re meant to wear all black, Matt.”

“Just open it.”

She set the box on my desk and put her hand on the lid. I almost screamed out for her to stop, because I suddenly had this vision of her opening the box and finding the Trilogy sets, or Shannon’s photos, or an infinite list of objects besides the one I thought was in there. After all, I was convinced that each time I opened the damned thing I found something new within, as if it were a magician’s prop.

But I said nothing, and Muireann lifted the lid.

My worry was overblown, as usual. The black Miss Ellie dress was loosely folded right where I’d left it, back on that morning when—

I waved my hand over the box with a flourish. “So what you see here is a really special thing,” I intoned with quiet and dramatic excitement.

Muireann was looking at me dubiously, saying nothing.

I raised a brow at her. “Not everyone gets a chance to play Miss Ellie, you know.”

She cocked her head at me now.

“But this is a genuine dress from the part,” I continued. “Rare, one of a kind ... Never seen outside the Castle ... I had to go to great lengths to smuggle this out of there. There was a sword fight, and some—”

She was laughing now. “Did this belong to Alana?”

I nodded sheepishly, relaxing my act. “Yeah, basically.”

“How did you get it?”

“Hmm ... Bit of a long story. Maybe we’ll save the details for another time ... or never. But it might be just right for the dance. Since we’re ‘in the know’ ... you know?”

She shook her head as she giggled. “You are too funny, Matt.”

“Am I, now?”

She pulled out the garment and held it up. “Oh ... I think I might like this right well.”

“Then try it on and see if it fits,” I said, feeling another surge of old feelings welling up inside me.

Muireann shrugged and handed me the dress as she started taking her clothes off. I moved to stare out the window, eliciting a sniff from her.

“You don’t turn around up at the pool,” she said.

“I know.”

“So why now? Have you suddenly become shy?”

“No, it’s not that.”

She took the dress from my hand and I heard her slipping it over her head.

“Why then?”

“Because...”

I waited a smidge longer until the sound of hands smoothing over cloth died away and the silence of self-examination in the mirror became evident. Then I turned.

“Because you look amazing in it,” I said quietly.

Perfect, even...

After delivering a raised brow my way, she continued to scrutinize the mirror. “This is...”

“What?”

“It’s quite short, for one.”

“That’s fine. It’s almost summer and the gym gets hot.”

She eyed me somewhat disapprovingly. “How convenient, now.”

“I’m the one who’s going to be sweating, you know!”

“Wear shorts.”

“And what, have Lara kill me? No thanks.”

She laughed as she turned this way and that. “Hmm ... It’s ... how should I say this...”

“Not what you usually wear?”

“Aye, that’s certainly one way to say it.”

“It’s a dance, so you’re allowed to wear something out of the ordinary. If you haven’t noticed, I’m not lounging around home in a suit all the time either.”

“Do you like it then?”

“Yeah. I really do.”

She lifted onto her tiptoes. “I’ll have to borrow some shoes from Lara.”

“I’m sure she’ll let you.”

“Or,” she suddenly drawled, grinning. “I’ll just wear my runners with it!”

I sniggered. “Yeah, you could do that too.”

She took a deep breath. “I do think I quite love it,” she said quietly.

“Just don’t wear it to Jonah’s or you’ll have the band asking you for beers!”

She laughed freely. “Miss Miri, at your pleasure.”

I shivered at these unexpected words. “Miss Miri?” I echoed.

“Aye.” She turned to look at me. “Thank you. I will think about what to wear, but it’s a very pretty dress, it is.”

“You’re welcome ... Miss Miri,” I said.

But I couldn’t keep a straight face, and in another second, we were both doubled over with laughter. Only the phone ringing pulled me upright again.

“Oh, I guess I should answer that,” I breathed.

I felt a flare of worry as I reached for the receiver. I hope to heck it’s not something bad about Pete...

As it turned out, it was the twins’ mother, calling as usual on the weekend to check in. After greeting her, I passed the phone to, well, Miss Miri. As she started talking to her mom, I gestured that I’d go see if Tommy was willing to come down and join in. I knew it was a fifty-fifty chance. He could be hard to pry away when it came time for this kind of thing, and usually Muireann was left with the entire burden of the sharing their latest news and listening to all the advice given in return.

When I looked through the cabin window and saw that Tommy was sitting close to Lara on the couch and singing a song, I almost didn’t bother going in. But I tried anyway, since it wasn’t my decision to make. I grabbed a soda from the fridge while I listened to them work through a laid-back version of Other Side, blending their voices together in harmony. When they finally allowed a slight break in their concentration, I called out.

“Tommy, your mam is on the phone down at the house.”

“Thank you, lad. It is a true shame that I am up here in the cabin, so far away. By the time I’d finish the journey to the house, the call will be long over. What bad luck for us both.”

“Should I send her your love and hugs?” I teased.

Tommy sniggered. “You may do as you please lad, and I’m sure it will be more appreciated that way.”

“Okay ... I’ll let Muireann know. I’ll be right back.”

“Wait,” Lara called. “First listen to this and see if you like these harmonies.”

“Aye, stay a minute. Mam will drone on for hours anyway, with or without me!”

I shrugged and sat down, happy to listen to them perform for me. This is going to be a killer song...

A little while later, I returned to the main house. The door to my room was closed, so I figured she was changing. I felt a pang of both disappointment and relief at this possibility. A part of me found Miss Miri to be quite fascinating. She certainly looked different than the usual Muireann I hung out with. But on the other hand, the outfit brought back a bittersweet mix of memories. I’d seen the dress only twice before: once during what could’ve turned out to have been a wild night in a mountain cabin before disaster struck, and once more during what was a wild night in a mountain cabin. And also before disaster struck, in a way...

Yet as the recollections swept through me, I felt ... remarkably okay about it. Sure, it wasn’t joy or even melancholy that I was feeling, but the memories, they stung only a little bit just then.

I knocked on the door and heard Muireann reply. I pushed my head in, finding that she was both off the phone and indeed dressed once more in her earlier clothes. The dress was out of sight, presumably folded back into the closed shoebox that sat on my desk.

“That was a quick call,” I remarked.

“Aye,” she said, even as she looked outside.

“Is ... everything all right?”

Muireann gave me a small smile, but it was only a movement of lips, unsupported by any feeling of happiness. “An acquaintance of our family has passed away.”

“Oh, no. I’m so sorry to hear.”

“I didn’t know him very well, but it is still heavy news.”

I put my arm around her shoulder. “Of course. Do you need a little time alone?”

“No, I’m okay. My mam though ... She was quite upset. But it doesn’t affect us here, so...”

“Should I go get Tommy so he can call her back?”

She shook her head. “It was a man that Tommy and I only knew a little. Perhaps it’s best not to say anything at all to him. There is no need to frighten him.”

“Frighten him?”

Again she shook her head, her eyes closing. “Sorry, I just mean not to make him sad ... To think of such things. There’s nothing to be done.”

“Yeah, all right. I won’t say anything. Are you okay, though?”

She smiled at me, only slightly, but at least it was for real this time. “Aye ... As I say, it was mostly Mam that was distraught. We live in a small town, so the community is close. That’s all it is.”

I took her into a hug as she stood up.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“I know ... But let’s go play music, so I can think of happier things,” she murmured.

“That we can do,” I said, caressing her hair. “That we can always do.”

The three-day Memorial Day weekend, while offering a longer break from school, meant that we had an extra day of rehearsing as a full band. Gwen therefore made sure that we got no extra rest that Monday. It was a good thing though, because the previous night the music had easily taken Muireann’s mind off the phone call, and today it was easily taking all my thoughts about Pete and hiding them away.

But I knew this respite wouldn’t last forever, and in fact the concern swept right back into me as soon as we’d flicked the amplifiers off for the evening. Finding myself unable to chit-chat with the gang, I let myself out and wandered over to the tall swing that danced slowly in the impetuous spring winds.

Surely his parents were talking to him, figuring out the way forward. Despite my encounter with Ted, I knew that he did care about what happened to his son. He obviously had some beef with Lara and me, at least in part. In the two days and nights since Muireann and I had been over there, I was growing more and more concerned with where this attitude of his was stemming from. People date and break up all the time in high school ... What the fuck did he expect, for them to get married? But despite these excuses, I knew there was more to it all.

I heard light footfalls approaching behind me.

“Muireann,” I murmured. “Do you ever get the feeling that you keep making the same mistake over and over again? Like you fix one version of the mistake, even as you keep other versions of it going?”

“Aye,” she replied softly as she came into view. “I do that with Tommy all the time. Saying that I shouldn’t be such a way with him about something, but later I do the same with something else.”

“So it’s endless...” I muttered.

“Will this swing hold two people?”

“It’s probably wide enough.”

“But is it strong enough?”

“Get on and find out.”

I slid over and she took to her half of the old board. Gently I walked us backward until I couldn’t touch the ground and then we sailed forward, ever so slowly.

“I feel like such a hypocrite,” I said. “When we were in Montauk, I went for a swim with Julie. And when we got out of the water to rest, I apologized to her.”

“For swimming too fast?” she teased.

I laughed, and it was needed humor since it kept my mood from sinking too fast. “I wish. She actually kicked my ass at that. No, I apologized for abandoning her, after she told me she’d cheated on me, and also for what I did to her after. Because when we went back there the next summer, I was such a terrible person to her. I led her on, letting her think we had a chance to get together again, even after everything that happened. We even did hook up for a few days, before I realized that I just couldn’t do it anymore and told her it was really over. And it was so hard on her, Muireann. I know it was...”

“She seems to have forgiven you,” Muireann said quietly.

“Yeah, she did. But not because of anything I did to fix it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Someone else helped her.”

Muireann looked at me for a time, before nodding. “Heather?”

“Who else...” I sighed. “But none of that matters right now.”

“Aye ... You’re really speaking of Pete, are you not?”

“Yeah...” I breathed, warmth flushing through me at her perfect understanding. “When I was in Montauk, I realized a lot of things. And I thought I figured out some stuff about me that I could do better. But here I’ve been since the trip, repeating the same cycles over and over again. It’s so easy to see them separately ... Even when you start seeing the deeper reason for things.”

“But Matt, you put too much on yourself. You can’t solve everyone’s problems.”

“No. I’m just talking about my own.”

“You don’t live apart from everyone, though. It is all connected. When I was younger and first started taking care of Tommy on my own for spells of time while our parents worked, I only wanted to hide him in his room, where I knew he’d be safe. I could stay with him, and no one could make fun of him, or harm him ... But that’s no life, I realized ... But still the cycle continues for me. I know I’m still too careful on his behalf. I know it, and yet I still do it.”

“Seems like it shouldn’t be that way.”

She put her hand in mine. “What are you concerned with, for your friend?”

I took a few breaths, in time with the period of the pendulum that carried us through the night.

“That I wasn’t his friend at all,” I finally said.

“Then start from there, and do something,” she suggested. “As you have been doing, of course ... But continue.”

“What can I do, though? I want to talk to him, but he won’t ever say anything. He just tells me to leave, or stays quiet.”

“Then you must simply keep trying. You don’t know how many times I had to do things with Tommy until he could do them himself, when we were wains. Don’t give up. Especially not after the other day.”

“Do you think ... I should go over there now?”

“If you think you can help him.”

“Will you come with me?”

“I would, but maybe it’s best if I don’t.”

“Okay.”

I felt Muireann shift beside me, ready to rise, so I put my arm across her body to stay her movement.

“I’ll go,” I murmured, “but only after the swing stops moving.”

Muireann relaxed and leaned her head onto my shoulder. I was glad that the pendulum hung from such high hands, because that made it seem that it never was going to stop its cycles.

It was with great trepidation that I knocked on the Rodericks’ door later that night. The hour would have been rather late for a house call even under normal circumstances; the current situation only made it more fraught with unease. I stared at the hasty and makeshift repair of my illegal entry: a plastic bag and duct tape. I really should give them some money for that...

Mrs. Roderick opened the door.

Thank god...

“Matt?” she queried, frowning through the screen door.

“Hi. I was wondering if Pete’s here?”

“Yes, he’s in his room. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry it’s kind of late, but I just wanted to check on him.”

She eyed me and then unlocked the door. “Please come in.”

“Oh, um ... I think I should stay outside.”

She seemed about to say something, but then gave me an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry about the other day,” she said quietly. “Ted’s sister is unwell, and it is really affecting him these days.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, and ... I’m not upset. I know this isn’t easy for anyone. Is Pete awake?”

“I think he is.”

“Would it be okay if me and him talked out here? We won’t go anywhere far.”

She nodded. “I’ll go get him.”

I stepped out of view while I waited, not wanting to be spied by his dad in passing. I sure didn’t come here to get into it with him again...

When Pete appeared, he looked groggy. “What are you doing here?”

“Can you come outside?” I asked.

He remained motionless.

“Come on, man,” I urged quietly.

At last, he opened the screen and stepped out.

I stacked two of the plastic chairs from the nearby patio set. “We’re going to walk over there. Do you want shoes?” I asked.

He shrugged. “I don’t care.”

I set off, listening as he followed behind me. When I figured we were out of earshot of the house, I set the chairs in place and we sat down.

I didn’t hesitate. “I know every time we do this lately, you basically keep telling me to fuck off ... But it has to end, man. Tell me what is going on.”

Pete shifted a few times, but other than these slight and short movements, he did nothing. I suddenly regretted my choice of seat, since I realized I was facing his house and therefore I couldn’t see the expression on his face. He was but a black silhouette. I was wondering if I was going to have to do the talking for him, when he finally spoke, his voice thick and raspy.

“I can’t. I can’t tell you.”

I huffed. Same old brick wall...

“Why not?”

“Because you’ll get mad. I really don’t think you’d like what I have to say.”

“Try me.”

“Why should I?”

“So you can feel better. You’re really not telling me just because you’re worried about what I’ll think about it?”

“Yeah,” he replied glumly.

I stood up and got close to him. “Well, guess what? I don’t care about that, honestly. Right now, you need to talk, because I know you have stuff to say to me. So just say it, let’s get it over with, and then we can see what happens from there. And no, sit down! If you go back inside right now, I’m just going to come over here every fucking night and bug you. So out with it already!”