Chapter 40: The Last Day of a Quiet War

The long work of pulling the concert together had fully caught up and crashed into me. That wasn’t the source of my problems, though, or I would’ve simply slept hard for a few days and been done with it. If I’d wanted to take a ‘sick’ day or two to stay home from school, no one would have batted an eyelid, for any of us. I wouldn’t have even had to fake a fever, holding the thermometer against a hot light bulb. I could just cash in on good karma.

Instead, on Wednesday I’d found myself wondering if my restful hours had yet reached into double digits since the concert. I was tossing and turning on the couch every night. Slumber, when and if it came, was no sleep at all, as my waking thoughts blended with strange and febrile dreams such that I knew at all times that I was conscious. I dipped in and out of nightmares, but mostly I swam in a sea of endless questions, doubts, fears and all their kith and kin.

I’d even taken to my old bed in the main house on Thursday night, hoping that the unevenness of the couch was the culprit, but it made no difference. I stared at the red clock numbers each time I found my eyes open, my annoying eyes that felt as if sand was always in them. The digits jumped around my field of view and I wondered why I couldn’t make them out. The red color seemed to burn me, but there was nothing else to look at in those early hours when even the sun had no trouble sleeping. So I stared, wondering if gouging my eyes out would help bring me peace.

Playing music with Muireann was the only thing that could keep me occupied. Likely sensing that I was in some sort of post-party depression, she pulled me out to the woods as frequently as she could. But even there, it was all pointless, merely treading water. What I learned one hour was already gone the next. She didn’t worry about that, though, happy enough to see me doing something, even if it didn’t stick.

I was surviving and fooling everyone for one reason only: because of the practice I’d had in ignoring everything inside me, learned so well a little over a year ago when Julie had cheated on me and Lara had left my life for some months. I could easily hide behind the reasonable shield of tiredness, shut everything away ... It was just temporary, after all. In a few days I’d find a new distraction. The concert in our backyard was appealing. We could start learning a number of new songs, have Gwen come over again to kick our asses into shape ... Fill every minute with something besides thinking about what—

This will pass ... And then I can figure things out...

I knew that the polite window for thanking Carmen’s parents was fast closing. On Friday, Dr. Kendall asked me in the hallway how it had gone with them. My lame excuses elicited another nudge. It would be shameful to not visit them, I knew, but I just couldn’t find the mental or physical strength to make it happen.

After dinner that night I went for a walk, alone. Almost a week has gone by... I trudged through the woods, a slow-motion slalom through black gates. The moon had yet to rise and the stars remained hidden behind obscuring clouds.

I paid no attention where I was going, knowing that I wouldn’t get lost. I knew my forest well enough, but even without that, the terrain seemed to exist in a way that would always bring me back to where I needed to go. A guiding vale, steady and unchanging ... Unlike the ocean, where you could float away on its uniformity and never return, our glen was a focus of guidance, a channel leading back to my home, and to my life. Exactly where I don’t want to be... And so, at that moment, I very much wished to be floating on the waters, getting lost...

I heard a noise behind me, the decidedly careful sound of a branch straining under pressure. I wonder who that is ... And who sent them. I doubted my moms themselves would be out following me, but I had a feeling I was being watched. Maybe it’s Tommy... That ridiculous thought almost made me laugh.

I didn’t hear the sounds again, likely because my senses shut down and sank into the black noise of mental ruminations, lost in the tumult.

When I returned to the cabin, no one else was there. Being in a state of mind where I was seeing conspiracy in every tree leaf and hearing foreboding in every gust of wind, I wasn’t happy to see the corners of a few pieces of paper peeking out from under the couch.

I eyed them for a long moment, wondering if the vision was real. Finally I resolved to pick them up. I wasn’t sure what I was wishing for – or hoping against, for that matter – but it turned out to be Lara’s math homework, or her class notes; I couldn’t tell. I looked at the neat work on each page, struggling to maintain composure. What’s the point ... All this random work ... In a few days, this will be in the trash bin.

The last page was not math, though. It had lyrics written on it, in Lara’s hand. A song I’d not seen, entitled Other Side...

I read through the verse and chorus. There was a second verse too, but by then I was crying too hard to see it. The song wasn’t quite the long sharp knives of Horizon Lines, but I was in no state to read what I saw.

Suddenly the door clicked open, and I stared blurrily into Lara’s eyes.

“Matt, what’s wrong?”

I shook my head, wiping at tears. I held out the song, shaking it and then dropping it to the floor.

“Oh...” she breathed. “I was ... wondering where that went.”

“Under the couch,” I managed.

She picked up the sheet and sat next to me, setting the song aside on the far cushion along with the equations.

“I got worried when you weren’t coming back,” she murmured.

“I don’t know how many more sad songs I can take.”

She eyed the paper. “Oh, forget that ... It was just an idea I had today in school.”

“No, it’s not just an idea. It’s my fucking life, Lara!”

“And it’s my sanity, Matt!” she suddenly retorted.

We both froze, shaken at the intensity of our respective outbursts.

Finally she gripped my hand. “Matt, please ... I know this is brutal right now, with everything. You look terrible, like you haven’t slept since she—”

“Don’t even say it,” I muttered.

She sighed. “Okay, I’m sorry. But you need to get some rest, so you can think straight, and at least get some normalness back. We still have the twins, and school...”

“I’m trying, Lara, because I said I would. But I’m scared as hell right now.”

She nodded, swallowing back her own emotion. “I know. So am I. And I wish I had something better to tell you, but I don’t.”

“Nope. Just these songs,” I muttered.

Lara closed her eyes and sighed. “Maybe so. But it’s what’s in me, Matt. That’s what comes out. It’s my life, too.”

I looked at her. “Is it, though? You said they were just ideas, your brain playing things out ... Just a persona.”

She stared off. “It is, Matt. But...”

“But what?”

After a long moment, she shook her head. “I can’t do this right now ... Come on, let’s go back to the house.”

“No, I need a few minutes to calm down.”

She nodded and then folded up the lyrics, pocketing them. She seemed to hesitate, and then spoke. “I’ve tried writing happier songs. I just end up throwing them out.”

“Well, maybe you should give them to me instead, because I need something to hang on to.”

She smiled sadly. “I’m struggling too, Matt, believe me. We’re in this together, even though I know it’s much worse for you because it’s your thing.”

“My thing? Why not our thing?”

She caressed my hand. “You know why.”

“I don’t, not right now.”

She took a long breath. “Because I’ve never been a part of it, except for a couple of days, once.”

I stared at her unsteadily. “That’s ... one way to look at it.”

“Maybe it’s the only way I can look at it, and still be...”

I sighed, my heartbeat feeling like it was distracted from its job as it tried to stay quiet in order to hear what Lara might say. But she would not go on.

“What is she doing, Lara?” I cried, standing up suddenly. “Why is she gone?”

“I don’t know, Matt! But she said she had to do this. You need to stay calm though! Please?”

I paced around, finally settling enough to take a seat again. “This all feels like a mistake now. What if she does something stupid?”

“We have to trust that she won’t.”

“Trust...” I muttered.

Lara moved close again and pulled me into a hug. “Yeah.”

“It’s impossible,” I spat.

She rocked me back and forth for a bit. “Please don’t do this again,” she whispered.

“What are you talking about?”

“Hide ... Close up and disappear ... Like you did after Julie.”

My gut tightened. “I’m not,” I replied, forcing myself to deny the truth of her words.

“Shh ... I want you to remember what happened back then, when you did that. How shitty things went for us, and how—”

“Lara, I can’t. Please don’t—”

“You need to,” she continued more forcefully. “I remember that spring ... When we both did it, running away from everything ... That’s not what...”

I waited again as Lara got caught up by whatever she was about to say.

“Not what?” I whispered.

Lara steeled herself before speaking softly. “It’s not what Heather would want for you. Not what any of us wants. She didn’t go away, just for this to happen to you. You at least owe her more than that.”

I felt dizzy now, internal vertigo as everything tightened. “That ... stings, Lara...”

She held me firm, even as I tried to pull away from her. “I know ... But you need to think about it, seriously. Heather’s not the only one I’m worried about right now.”

Her voice sunk into hollowness as she finished.

I knew she was right. Already I could feel my internal mask being glued into place, little by little. Protecting me, from myself...

I stopped struggling against her. “But if I don’t hide it all away,” I muttered, “then what the hell else can I do? I can’t tell anyone the truth, except you! But we’re not even allowed to talk about it. So what’s left? Do you really want to drag me through the yard again tonight? There’s no snow this time, you know. The sled won’t help you.”

Lara shuddered, but continued to comfort me. “Of course I don’t want that, Matt. There has to be another way. Something easier.”

I had no reply, because for now it was only getting harder.

“To start with, why don’t you get to sleep?” she suggested. “I think a good night’s rest will help a lot. You’re trying to do too much. Forget finishing the homework you need to catch up on. You can copy mine this weekend; I really don’t care.”

This little gesture of generosity deflated much of the immediate tension I was feeling. I nodded numbly, exhaustion creeping back in and heavily blanketing me again.

“Yeah, okay ... I’m so, so tired.”

“I know. Do you want to sleep down in the house?” she asked.

“Didn’t seem to make a difference last night, so I’ll just sleep here.”

“Okay, sit over there for a minute.”

Lara helped me move, and then made up the couch for me as I watched, useless.

“Can you stay up here and sit with me?” I asked quietly as I got under the covers.

“Of course.” She waved her math homework. “But let me go get my stuff and say goodnight. I’ll be back in just a bit.”

Once she’d left the cabin, I closed my eyes, my mind pulling into a vortex.

‘It’s mostly your thing... ‘

Her words seemed to echo in my head, clattering against my own thoughts and destroying several of them.

So I’m alone in this... ? This thought was unwelcome, and I found it unfair and maybe even wrong.

Or is it true? Lara said she’d never really been a part of it ... Did she not like Heather in that way anymore? Was Truth really dead? Had it ever even existed?

Well, surely it had, once. I would never forget Lara, in the darkroom just over there, gripped by the emotion of seeing it so clearly. ‘It’ll be the best thing we’ve ever done,’ she’d said.

But she’d also said, ‘Someday... ‘ and that someday seemed ever further away. Maybe never, now, because Heather gave me back the fucking necklace ... And of course Lara is letting go of Heather easier than I am ... She’s had months to do it.

Abruptly I sat up. God, she’s right ... This really is my thing to carry. On my own ... As it should be. Why should Lara suffer the consequences of something she had hardly any benefit from? It’s me who was with Heather, me who enjoyed her comfort, her touch, her life, her secrets ... Yeah, all of it for me while I knowingly kept Lara out of it, and now I want to burden her with the hard part? Selfish jerk...

I looked down at the covers. And what, am I not going to be able to fall asleep anymore, without making her sit next to me like I’m an infant? And I can’t even make my own fucking bed?

Truth...

I laughed aloud. Truth is just a trap, and my sister is caught in it.

I got out of bed and stretched my beaten body.

Enough.

I was folding the sheet onto the back of the couch when the door opened.

“What happened?” Lara asked, stopping in the doorframe.

“I’m going to sleep in my room after all. The couch feels a little uneven tonight.”

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry, Lara, about what just happened. I’m trying to figure this out, and it makes no sense to me right now. I didn’t mean to get down on your song, or anything else. That was unfair, and, well ... I apologize.”

Lara shook her head. “Don’t. I’m always here for you, Matt.”

I nodded, even as I thought, Yeah, but I’m not going to burden you with my problems anymore ... You’ve been trying to tell me that for months, and now I’m actually going to listen to you.

We shared a hug, though the feelings were completely distorted by the brand-new masks I wore.

She accompanied me to the house, where I said my tired goodnights to my moms and the twins, unwilling to explain my need for a bed.

“Maybe we should all move back down to the house?” I heard Muireann suggest quietly to the others.

I never heard the answer, because in another moment I’d shut myself in my room. I wasn’t alone though, for the red clock numbers were there as usual, ready to resume our staring contest. I was going to win tonight, surely.

As it turned out, peace was not to be found in the house either, because a short time after I was horizontal, a knock came, followed by the brightening of my room. Melissa shut the door once she’d slipped in. Wordlessly, she pulled my chair close to the bed. I said nothing into the ensuing silence.

“I’m sorry, I hope you weren’t asleep already,” she finally said.

“Hardly,” I muttered. “But now that the school week is over, I’ll finally be able to sleep,” I added.

She caressed my side. “I’m not sure I have the same confidence that you do,” she murmured. “Not anymore...”

My insides sank as realization set in. I took a few unsteady breaths, wondering how much I’d have to tell them.

“Did you just talk to Frej?” I asked.

“Yes. Mom is still on the phone with him. But when we mentioned how you weren’t yourself these last few days, well ... I have a feeling you know what I’m about to ask you.”

I closed my eyes. “Yeah.”

“Is there a reason you didn’t tell us?”

A reason ... There’s plenty of reasons...

“I don’t know.”

“What is...” Melissa paused, rethinking her question. “Is everything okay between you and Heather?”

I abruptly realized that Frej likely knew very little of the story. Certainly not the depth of its impact on me. For a long moment, I swam through a sea of uncertain decisions. I can still protect the worst of it within myself...

“She’s been having these panic attacks,” I said quietly. “They have to do with her photography, and with her show ... I guess they came back real bad last week. She needed some space to clear her head and calm down.”

Melissa nodded, her face red in the glow from the clock. “I didn’t realize that.”

“I’m not sure who she’s told. But that’s what’s going on.”

That’s all ... Oh, besides the destruction of us ... And of Truth...

“Poor thing ... I had a feeling she wasn’t taking the show well, even before she came up here and skipped the opening ... That article in the newspaper was a bit strange, how she didn’t want to be interviewed, and how she didn’t want to come inside to see the photos when we went to the place. But I didn’t realize how rough.”

“Yeah, and the gallery thing amped everything up, I guess.”

“I understand ... Do her parents know about the panic attacks?”

“I’m not sure.”

Melissa leaned down to give me a hug. “I’m sorry about all this, Matt. I didn’t know. And I’m sure Heather will be fine. If there’s one thing about her, it’s that when she sets her mind to something, she’s determined to see it through.”

“I know...” I whispered hoarsely.

And that’s what scares the shit out of me...

“I’m going to let you get some sleep, but we can talk about it more this weekend, if you’d like.”

“Sure, though there’s nothing much to talk about. I’ll get through this, don’t worry. I just got overstressed last month with the concert, and Heather moving to Maine was just too much to deal with at the same time.”

“I completely understand, Matt. But ... why do you say ‘moving’?”

“She’s up at Birgitte’s.”

“I know that, but ... Frej seemed to think it was just for a little while. Until she recovers from her own stress. She’ll be home soon.”

I sighed. “Maybe she’s not technically moving, then. I don’t know. Either way she’s up there for now.”

“How is it going for her? Has she told you how long she’ll be staying?”

I stared at the clock again. The numbers were frozen. I waited ... Waited longer ... But the time remained fixed, the digits immobile.

“She’s taking it one minute at a time, Mom.”

Melissa eyed me for a very long moment. “Okay. Get some rest, sweetie. I know you need it.”

“Mom...”

“Yes?”

“Don’t tell the twins, okay? I’m not sure if I can deal with that right now. Lara knows, but I don’t want the twins to know, not for now. I don’t have the energy to try and explain yet.”

“Of course. Thank you for talking to me. I don’t like seeing you this way.”

Yeah, because the last time was no picnic for anyone...

“I’ll feel better. I just need to find some sleep.”

“Goodnight, then. I love you.”

“Love you too, Mom.”

She rose and quietly slipped out of my room. I rolled over, my eyes unwilling to shut. Maybe I should tell my parents everything... They were so understanding about Pete at the concert, when they could have reacted so differently...

Pete... I’d avoided talking to him in school since the show, overwhelmed by my other problems. Not that he sought me out, either...

I tossed around for a while, struggling with my thoughts. I looked at the clock again... What the fuck? It was still the same time. I sat up, waiting what had to be several minutes before banging the unit with my hand to no avail. It only laughed back at me, unwilling to advance the numbers. The time between is going to be even longer than you think, fool!

With a surge of anger, I yanked the plug out of the wall. The remnant internal power tried valiantly to keep the display going, but then it finally faded. I remained upright, my temporary victory disappearing almost as fast as the ruddy glow. This gave way to contemplating the futility of what I’d just done.

So pointless, Matt ... If you’re counting to infinity, it takes just as long if you’re counting fast or slow ... or not counting at all.

I plugged the clock in again, the same stuck numbers springing back to life.

Better to have a companion, even if the stupid thing is broken...

Either that, or someone far away from here has finally figured out ... how to pause the world...

I shuddered, realizing that sleep would certainly be elusive for at least another night.

The next day I found myself walking down Carmen’s driveway. The afternoon was beautiful, a full display of bursting spring caressed by zephyrs of pure air and the golden-white sun setting everything aglow. Or maybe it was raining; I couldn’t tell. It was all I could do to stay upright.

It wasn’t newfound courage that made me finally walk over; rather it was the loss of control due to exhaustion. As expected, sleeping had not gone well the previous night, despite staying in bed until lunch. I’d barely finished half of my sandwich upon waking. When my parents started whispering and hovering, I knew I needed to get out of there.

Apprehension was crawling all over my skin. I wasn’t quite sure what to say to Carmen’s parents, despite my eagerness earlier in the week to thank every last person on earth. Muireann had helped me with the couple dozen thank you notes, and we’d kept those simple and short.

But how do you thank parents for honoring the memory of their own daughter? As if they need me to judge their—

The idea was revolting and I felt completely stupid, but I’d already knocked on their door.

How do you even think straight when you’re this sleep deprived?

My body twitched every few seconds, likely trying to get me to bolt away. I steeled myself and stayed the course. Eventually Patricia opened the door.

“Oh, Matt!” she cried.

In a moment she’d drawn me into a tight hug. This was unexpected, but I embraced her lightly as her husband approached. I was glad to see him smiling, at least a little.

“Please come in, come in,” she urged, leading me to the living room.

“I’m really sorry for coming by without calling.”

“You’re welcome here anytime,” Bud said kindly.

We sat and discussed the show, particularly the turnout and good vibes everyone had felt. It had warmed their hearts to see so many people there supporting Carmen’s memory. Eventually I knew I needed to get to my point, because I’d already had to stifle three yawns and I was minutes away from simply letting my head fall to their couch pillows. The sand in my eyes was turning into a full-on beach, and I could tell they were looking at me with a little more concern than they should.

“So I stopped by because, um, Dr. Kendall said that besides helping so much with the sound and light stuff, you also ... gave generously to the fund,” I said, awkwardly. “And I, uh, wanted to personally thank you, even though I feel silly doing this because it’s not like it’s anything to do with me, really. I’m just glad that this thing went well, and you were—Well, yeah...” I trailed off, unable to make sense of anything I was saying.

They didn’t seem to have any words for me either, only emotional eyes. They smiled as best they could.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered. “I’m a bit tired today. We had a late night ... with my family.” I gestured vaguely and then tried to clear my head. “Card games, and stuff ... Anyway, when I was talking to Dr. Kendall, he said he’s open to making this, like, an annual event. A concert every spring to help with keeping the fund going. Would you be okay with that?”

“Yes, of course, of course,” Bud said softly.

“Okay, I’ll let him know. I mean, it’s a long way off until next year, so I guess we don’t have to decide now. Anyway, yeah ... So mostly I just wanted to tell you thanks. Also for helping with the stage and lights and stuff. I guess I said that already, but, um...”

Just shut up, fool...

But I continued. “I can’t imagine what you must be feeling still, after ... everything. I was ... I’m ... glad we can all, you know...”

My throat got too tight, mercifully ending the ridiculous rambling.

After a Carmen’s parents glanced at each other, Patricia stood up and moved to sit next to me. She put an arm around my shoulder, which I found to be a very comforting gesture even as I flinched a little.

“What makes a young man do something like this?” she asked quietly.

I looked at her, confused. Is she upset with me?

“Do what?”

“Go to this length to remember Carmen.”

I swallowed. “It was just something I felt was the right thing to do,” I managed.

“It’s amazing,” Patricia said, squeezing me. “I’m still not sure why Carmen never mentioned you.”

Because I mistreated her ... Because I’m a—No! I swept away the flash of remorse that blazed up within me. Can’t handle that now!

“We were friends at school, but not super close friends, so I guess ... And in study hall this year, she got along with Tommy real well too, you know. It wasn’t just me. All of us wanted to do this.”

Patricia nodded. “But that’s why I don’t understand.”

I looked at her blankly. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Peoples, but I actually haven’t been sleeping well since the show, so I’m really not following what you mean.”

“Dr. Kendall also called to thank us, and update us on the success of the show ... And tell us about the fund.”

Oh shit... I felt prickles forming in my body as she continued. I avoided her eyes as my own vision started convulsing.

“Someone made an enormous donation the night of the concert.”

I took a deep breath, trying to stay calm, but I knew I was moments from drowning. Everything, so hopeless...

“And maybe you don’t know that, but ... maybe you do?” she added.

Damn it, here comes the spinning, the roaring...

“And it was given anonymously,” Bud added. “Dr. Kendall said that a young woman delivered it in a paper bag. None of the people helping with the collections had ever seen her before.”

“I did hear,” I rasped, having to clear my throat several times as the donation grew a little more real with this new information. “It’s crazy ... Dr. Kendall said they didn’t leave a name or anything. So yeah, we’ll never know who it is. Could’ve been anyone, really. A stranger, even. You hear about people who do random stuff like that, you know ... Stop on the side of the road to help change a tire ... Or pull you out of a snow drift ... with their Jeep ... I think she probably was just driving by and heard the music...”

I could tell Mr. and Mrs. Peoples were both staring at me as I trailed off. But unless they were really Mr. and Mrs. Blind, I knew it was useless. I was too tired to maintain the mask with any credibility, and they were obviously seeing right through it.

“Matt, did Carmen have someone special in her life? Someone that we wouldn’t have heard about? Someone that would’ve asked a stranger to deliver this gift for them?”

I tried my last escape route because I figured the truth would be, in a way, painful to them. No, the person wasn’t special to Carmen, at all...

“Maybe it was a relative,” I muttered.

Patricia shook her head. “They sent in donations, but we’ve asked, and it wasn’t them. So we’ve been trying to imagine who would be so generous as to give—”

“Wait!” I blurted out, standing up abruptly. It was far too quick a movement, and my head grew dizzy.

They looked at me with growing concern.

“I’m sorry,” I added, more quietly.

“Are you okay? Do you need some water?” Bud asked gently.

Water ... Yes ... When’s the last time I drank anything?

“Actually, yes please,” I gasped. “I would like some.”

I took my seat again and the awkward silence stretched on as he fetched the offering. I drank thirstily, draining the large glass.

“Sorry, about that,” I said, my chest still heaving.

I should’ve just called them, to thank them. I never should’ve come here, so close to it all...

What did you expect?

I fought off the desire to walk out. But then a quiet thought got my attention. They lost their daughter ... The very least you can do is afford them the truth, however unbelievable it is.

I felt a swell of energy swim through me, so I grabbed at it. “Okay ... Um ... I do know who gave the donation,” I said, the words tumbling out.

They looked at each other meaningfully, and then waited patiently as I rubbed my finger against the wet side of the glass.

“And I’m going to tell you, but please promise me that you’ll never tell anyone else. Not Dr. Kendall, not anyone, who it was. She donated anonymously, and it needs to stay that way. It’s important.”

Patricia and Bud both murmured in agreement. Their faces were so expectant.

“The girl with the paper bag was ... a friend of mine, a girl who lives ... well, who used to live in Montauk.”

They glanced at each other again, frowning a bit.

I’m so very sorry about this...

“She drove up for the show,” I explained, my voice shrinking with each word. “It was her money that she gave, not anyone else’s. She donated it out of her pocket, from money she made working at her family’s store over the...”