Chapter 39: Gone to Ground

On the day that our connection was severed, I was roused by a warm hand caressing my face, the fingers leaving behind energetic currents.

“Good morning, my love...”

I opened my eyes all at once. The sun was just barely tinting the sky, and I was disoriented, wondering why the couch felt odd. It took me a moment to realize that I was down in the main house. Memories abruptly returned in a panicked rush. The night before, after partying for a while, the three of us had taken to Lara’s old bed in a cuddled-up pile of exhaustion and fell asleep almost as soon as we settled onto the mattress.

Good morning, my love? Oh god, she’s leaving... !

I turned to Heather and shivered, staring at her with instant and overwhelming unease. Her eyes, again so different... The waters recede even further ... Soon nothing will be left...

“Is it really time?” I asked.

“It is.”

The last minutes, then ... Before the fog rolls in completely.

“Is Lara up?”

Heather laughed softly as she looked over her shoulder. “Not quite. I started with her a while ago.”

“If she actually gets up, then that’s how you know she really must love you.”

Heather smiled wistfully at me. “She’ll get up.”

“I know...”

I slid out of bed, groggy from the long night. Considering everything, I was surprised how well I could walk. Heather rolled over and worked on rousing Lara again, while I went to the kitchen to make some coffee for us. It seemed like the thing to do, for whatever reason.

Ten minutes later, the three of us were sitting on the front deck, sipping our mugs and looking at each other.

Heather’s leaving us...

Somehow it made senseless sense. She was an irrational singularity in a world that only strove to figure everything out and make all of it pat.

I chuckled in spite of the situation.

“What’s so funny?” Heather asked.

“You.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, going to Maine ... to collect seaweed ... Only you, Heather.”

She made a move as if to throw her coffee over me, and Lara giggled a little.

“See? Funny,” I said.

Heather smiled at me and then sat back in her chair.

“So what do we tell people?” I asked her.

“You can tell them whatever you need to,” Heather replied.

“I don’t know if I can break this open to anyone right now,” I admitted. “It’s hard enough talking about it with just us.”

“When the time is right, then. Or not. It won’t matter to me anymore.”

“What do your parents think of this?” Lara asked.

Heather shrugged. “They don’t know what to make of it. But they don’t really have a choice either. When I decide to do something, they know it’s pointless to fight it. They tried, but...”

“Are they angry? Sad?”

Heather nodded slowly. “Mostly sad. It wasn’t an easy week, let’s just say that much.”

“What about Frej?”

She stared off. “I left him a note. I just couldn’t get the courage to do anything more than that.”

“He’s going to miss you,” I said.

She nodded, wiping away a tear. “I know. I’m doing this for him, too. For everyone.”

Lara and I squeezed her hands. After a time, the wave passed.

“I’m guessing Frej is going to tell our parents, if he hasn’t already,” I said.

“He hasn’t,” Heather replied. “I asked him not to say anything until I had a chance to come up here ... And even there, he and my parents don’t know all of the details. They just know I’m going to live with Birgitte.”

They don’t know that everything else is changing too...

Again the wave of fear passed over me. She seemed so calm this morning, her iron resolve reflective as she glowed in the dawn light. And yet very soon my known world was going to crash to the ground...

“How long a drive do you have today?” I asked, needing a distraction, even if it was for only a few seconds.

“About nine or ten hours, plus some stopping time to eat and stretch.”

“Wow ... Long day,” Lara said.

“Yeah, for sure. The place is most of the way up the coast.”

“Sure you don’t want to stay another day?” I asked.

She smiled apologetically. “It would be pointless, in the end.”

“I know,” I said quietly.

Heather dug into her coat pocket and pulled out an envelope. She offered it to Lara, who only eyed it warily.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“Your Christmas present.”

I huffed. “The tickets to the Jane’s Addiction show?”

“Yeah. One of the Lollapalooza dates, actually.”

Since Lara remained frozen, I gestured to the envelope. Heather passed it to me instead and I peered inside, since the flap was unsealed.

“There are three tickets in here,” I remarked.

“I know. Take someone you like with you.”

I hissed as I noticed the date on the stubs. “Heather...”

“What?”

“The show isn’t until mid-August.”

“I know,” she repeated, though much more quietly.

I swallowed hard, unable to speak.

“You really think you’ll be gone that long?” Lara finally asked, her voice small.

Heather held her gaze. “Enjoy the festival. It was my gift to both of you, and I’d like it very much if you got some pleasure out of it. Even if I—”

She couldn’t finish either, though. I swiped away a tear now, as reality was starting to intrude on the cocoon I’d slipped into the previous evening with the help of spirit and herb. I was now thrown back to the Christmas break, when Lara and Heather and I had first explored the idea of Truth ... It felt so right back then, so noble a construction ... And then the twins came, and we had to tear it all down and put it away, like a temporary stage.

But it had left a trace, a messy maze that we were now lost in. Here we were again, talking of Truth, and yet ... Were we repeating the same mistakes from January? Was this leap of faith going to turn sour, an imaginary idyll that really had no place in anyone’s life?

Maybe it was all just an illusion ... Maybe we were destined to go in circles, pretending to want one thing while being distracted by others ... In time, we’d all realize it was hopeless, drift apart and each find something on our own that wasn’t so damn complicated...

Maybe that would be for the best, after all, I wondered, even as my entire being fought against this horrific idea.

Perhaps that was the real reason for Heather leaving. To find something simpler, and to let Lara and me do the same. The promise of finding Truth was, after all, a false guarantee. Nothing like that could be assured, and it even seemed to be driving the three of us crazy. Maybe Heather was offering a sweet pill to ease the pain of removing this barbed hook of an idea that had sunk in to us so deeply.

Give up on Truth, and find a normal life ... And with a normal life, you don’t have to wear masks ... No masks! How would that feel... ?

I shook out of my thoughts, realizing that I needed to stay calm. There was plenty of time for anxiety later. Months of panic appeared to be my destiny, in fact, if the concert tickets were any prediction. Right now, I had but precious seconds left with this wild creature. Don’t fucking waste them...

“I’ll keep these in my desk,” I announced, mostly for my own benefit.

“I should probably get going,” Heather whispered. “It’s not getting any easier.”

Lara stood. “Heather, give us just a minute.”

“Sure.”

I followed my sister inside. “What’s up?”

“The underwater thing. We should give it to her.”

“Oh yeah ... I guess we should. I forgot about it.”

She gave me a sad smile. “I know. You even said you’d forget. Let me go get it.”

When we returned to the deck, Heather eyed the package.

“Sorry, not the most glamorous wrapping, but this is for you,” Lara said. “From both of us. We bought it a while ago and you were supposed to get it back in April, but someone forgot to bring it to Montauk with us...”

I pouted sheepishly.

“Aw, thank you!”

“Don’t open it now, though,” I said. “Save it for when it’s the right time. When you need something new to mess around with someday.”

Heather nodded, giving us a deeply appreciative look.

We stood there, mute, and for a long minute it was clear that even Heather was second-guessing everything she thought she knew. She was the first to break the hesitation.

“Okay, this is it,” she whispered.

Lara pulled her into a hug. I stood by, wiping at my eyes as the girls whispered to each other for a little while. At last, they separated and smiled.

“I hope you find what you’re looking for, dearest Heather,” Lara murmured, barely holding it together.

Heather gave her hand a last squeeze.

“And now, I’m going back to bed,” Lara announced, gathering herself with decided effort. “Heather, be safe ... See you on the other side, okay?”

“Love you, Lara.”

“Love you too.”

The door opened and closed. After my sister blew a little kiss through the large picture window, I grabbed Heather’s small night bag and we walked to her car. We set things in the empty back seat and then I turned to her.

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t freaking out right now,” I said quietly.

“I know, Matt.”

“I’m still afraid.”

“Don’t be.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do without you. You’re always there for me, helping me ... Giving me great ideas. I know I have Lara, but...”

She hugged me close. “You do have Lara. But ... you also have Ireland.”

“What?” I pulled back to frown at her. “You mean ... Muireann?”

“Yeah,” she breathed. “She’s ... a beautiful person.”

“I ... don’t understand.”

“Don’t be afraid of her, or of you and her. You two play so beautifully together ... It’s incredible. Rely on her, for anything you need. I do think she’ll be there for you. Anything...”

I didn’t have the energy to deal with this unexpected pronouncement, so I said nothing.

Heather held my gaze. “You have to let me go for a while.”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“You will. And I will too...”

I steadied myself against the car, overwhelmed again. “I’m going to miss you like crazy.”

“I know. And you’re going to think a lot of other things about me, and not all of them will be good. Just know that I love you, like nothing else. I love both of you. Hang on and find your way to the other side. And maybe I’ll see you there someday.”

I shook my head. “Someday ... Someday I hope to understand you. Understand what you’re saying to me. But right now I don’t. I’m just trusting you, like I’m fricking blind ... Damn, it’s going to be hard!”

Heather nodded sadly. “I’m sorry, Matt, for everything. And if you ever decide you can’t deal with this anymore, with me, then I totally would under—”

“Don’t you dare say that, Heather! Just go, do what you need to do, and I’m going to try and do the same, somehow ... I love you. As much as it hurts right now, I love you and I want you to do this. For yourself, and for everyone.”

The steel sky pressed down on us. Abruptly I remembered one thing from the previous evening, even as most of that conversation had already faded away, completely out of my memory.

“What am I supposed to do?” I asked. “The promise I made to you ... What is it?”

Heather looked at me, shaking her head. “I can’t tell you.”

I breathed, a tremulous act. Can’t tell me? I opened my mouth to plead, but then realized that I’d get no more information about it from her. Don’t waste any more time, fool!

The remaining seconds dwindled down to double digits...

“You better go,” I urged, my voice hardening. “Because I’m about to change my mind about everything.”

She nodded sadly and got into the car. Settled in the driver’s seat, she put the key in the ignition. My vision was pulsing, unsteady.

“Please drive safely,” I barely whispered. “My love...”

Heather blinked at me, her expression melting. Suddenly she jumped out and was in my arms again, embracing me like she never had before. We staggered around, my insides flaring up as a defiant passion connected us. The entirety of our time together, everything since the day we’d met on that old pier ... All of it passed between us as we clung to each other with desperation.

But even that could not last. With reluctant determination, she finally let me go and took her seat again. I closed the door and she rolled down the window.

It took a few tries to find my voice again. “You know where you’re going?” I asked, trying to find something, anything rational to hang on to.

“For today,” she said quietly, patting a road atlas that lay on the other seat. “After that ... I don’t know.”

“If anyone can figure it out, it’s you, right?”

She started the engine and then looked up at me, her pure gray eyes almost empty of anything familiar now. The sea was gone, drained to its basin, down to the foundation.

She reached out and grabbed my hand with both of hers. For a time I held her gaze, feeling the last echo of a warm radiant energy flowing from her palm into mine. Her eyes pricked with silver sparkles for an instant, but then even that died away.

“I love you, Matt.”

I tried to push away the realization that these were the last words she’d speak for so long a time...

Heather closed her eyes and let go of my hand. As she shifted into gear, she gave me one last look, leaving everything she had with me as the last drops of her past dripped out of her.

Single digits...

Then she drove off. I watched in mute shock as her car aimed for the exit of the little clearing.

Three ... Two ... One...

Suddenly I glanced down at my hand and staggered backward a few steps, almost falling over.

“Oh god!” I gasped.

Sitting in my palm was the argent-sapphire necklace, flashing ever so brilliantly in the fading light of my world.

What the hell have I done...

Then the fog slammed in, as my free-fall started accelerating to a terrifying speed. I stuffed the necklace into my pocket and staggered back to Lara’s bed, where we clung to each other and watered the pillow for a long time.

Sunday was a day of recovery; for some, much more than others. We cleaned up the remnants of the post-concert gathering in the morning. The partygoers had been very good about respecting our place, but there was the inevitable mess to tidy up, and it took a while. It was a useful distraction. The rest of the time was spent reading, lounging in the upper pool, and for me, sitting around staring at the sky and the forest, and realizing that the trees possessed far more dreams than I had at that moment.

In truth, most of my energy that day went to building all the new masks that were needed. Masks for my folks, the twins, Lara... Even for myself, I realized.

The twins could sense that Lara and I were out of sorts. We blamed it on the exhaustion of the benefit concert and the surprise of Heather’s visit, which had led to us staying up too late, catching up and drinking far too much. As far as everyone knew, Heather had gone home early that morning. But I had no idea how long that would remain a tenable story. Not long, I knew, given that my moms regularly talked to Frej on the phone. I could always fake some phone calls with Heather...

There was one odd moment when I’d first returned to my room that morning. The Trilogy shoebox was on my desk. I stared at it for a time, knowing that she’d left something else behind for me. The red heels, or the triplet photo mats ... It could be many different things, or all of them. A little box of broken memories that she was giving up and leaving for me to clean up. Or maybe it’s something new...

I wasn’t sure I wanted to look; the return of the necklace was already too heavy a blow. But eventually I decided to see what could be seen. I opened the lid with apprehension and found an item of clothing. I lifted it out, soon recognizing it as the black lace Miss Ellie dress from Jonah’s December party. It had been a gift from Alana to Heather that night, and she’d worn it in the cabin once, during her February visit – an eternity ago. ‘Command me... ‘ I’d forgotten about it since then. I should’ve commanded her to never leave me...

Nothing else was in the box, so it struck me that Heather probably wanted the dress returned to Alana. She really was letting everything go and giving it all back. I folded it into place and set the box on the top shelf of my closet. I doubted Alana was missing the dress, but I did make a mental note to remember it the next time I might see her.

Really, Matt?

I closed the closet, suddenly feeling exhausted at the idea of trying to remember something as pointless as that.

Forget it. It doesn’t matter, at all...

It seemed the most incongruous activity, going into school that next morning. My thoughts were scattered, so scattered ... I went through the motions, hid behind my shields. People came up to me, not many, but some. They loved the show. That last song, they said ... Crying, they said...

Classes ... What do I even have today?

At least it was something to fill the growing pit of emptiness. I could just shovel it in as fast as it was all disappearing. Fishing on the pier for points decided by a crazy referee? Gone, but easily replaced with the history of a war from a hundred seventy-eight years ago in a country that no longer existed. Or perhaps geometric dilations of polygons would fit better in that space... ? No, apparently I’d need both topics, and more, because it was all falling away so quickly. The summer music festival, worthless now ... The photography and fishing trips we’d planned to plan would remain unplanned plans. Soon too those would fall into the sinkhole and disappear.