Chapter 36: Shooting Star

The scene at Smith Park, when we pulled in around noon, was rather astonishing. The light scaffolds loomed over the stage, and for a long moment I stood by the car door in complete shock. We’re going to be playing on that... !

“Are you coming, lad?” Tommy asked, having already seized his guitar and equipment bag from the trunk.

I snapped out of it and went to grab my own things. “Yeah. It’s just that ... it looks pretty damn neat, man.”

He grinned. “I’m sure it does. Now let’s go set up!”

Melissa helped by carrying my guitar, and soon we had our equipment sitting on the black stage surface amidst coils of cables, direct boxes and monitor speakers.

Gwen was already arming her drum kit. “Watch out, Chewy,” she called, as the twin almost stepped right onto a small stack of mic stands.

Tommy caught himself in time, giving Gwen a grateful gasp.

“That would’ve been a bad way to start the gig,” I remarked.

“You insist on hurting your ankle yet again,” Muireann joked.

Tommy laughed it off. “I think I’ll wait in the green room, then! Do we have people feeding us grapes by hand, or do they arrive later?”

“Where’s Miss Ellie when you need her!” Colin called.

I winced, as Melissa raised a brow at me.

“Who’s Miss Ellie?” she asked.

“Oh, um ... Just an inside joke, don’t worry,” I deflected.

Luckily, my mom didn’t press!

The forecast turned out to be very accurate, to the point that the day felt larger than was possible. The infinitely blue sky easily repaired itself from the cutting rays of the sun that had just crossed the zenith and was beginning its journey to the horizon. Little by little, the azure would be turning cobalt and then midnight blue, by which point everything we’d worked toward would be just a memory.

It’s only lunchtime, fool ... Stop daydreaming.

The preparations passed in a blur. Between the setting up and sound checking of all three bands, I helped open tables and unpack concessions, chatting with Dr. Kendall, Ray, and Mrs. and Mr. Peoples when I needed a breather.

With well over two hours to go, concert-goers were already spreading blankets out on the inviting lawn that fanned out before the stage. It was a thrill to see people at the donation table starting to fill the earliest entries on Carmen’s fund ledger.

“What do you think?” Muireann asked, coming near me on the stage.

“So far so good. Is it time to go change?”

“Aye, we should go home soon.”

I smiled at her. “Are you feeling all right?”

She nodded. “Too excited, I think. And wile nervous.”

“I know.”

I gave her a hug, and we held each other for a time as the world continued on around us.

“Coming through!” Christine warned as she spooled out a cable for a light.

We stepped aside.

“We have each other up here,” I said to Muireann quietly.

“Aye, Matt, we do,” she murmured, rubbing my back.

At last we pulled apart, grinning at each other.

“Let’s get this show on the road,” I said, pulling her toward the cars.

“The show looks very much like it will stay right here,” Muireann teased.

I just rolled my eyes at her.

The Nameless were rocking. Skinner was delivering as promised, and the guys were keeping up with him. I was lounging on a blanket with Muireann and Shannon, grooving to the admittedly choice selection of classics. As far as I knew, Gwen and Skinner hadn’t even seen each other. She’d left after our sound check and wouldn’t be back until Green Space was halfway through their set. Perhaps this explained Skinner’s good mood up on stage.

We clapped enthusiastically as they finished another song. It was needless noise, though, because the crowd around us was enormous. Our trio of sounds was a tiny drop in the giant bucket of applause and cheering.

Don’t even start thinking about how many people are here...

It was admittedly nerve-wracking, to the point where Muireann and I had earlier joked that we should’ve put up far fewer posters around town.

“Thank you!” Skinner called out. “Man, this is some crowd! Crazy! I didn’t think this many people lived in this town! Are you guys having a good time here at the park... ? I know I am... ! So we have a couple of songs left for you. This next one I’m sure you’ve all heard, yeah, even all you parents out there, something by Mr. Stills. We took it and made it a little more rocking, though. But ... it’s a good song, and a good message, especially for tonight, you know? So let’s go!”

Skinner is into messages?

The crowd cheered as he started the chord intro and jumped right into the verse.

“If you’re down ... and confused... “

Cheers of recognition went up. After most everyone sang the chorus, Muireann leaned over to me.

“It seems even Skinner has a heart.”

I laughed. “Maybe. Or he just likes taking guitar solos off of good grooves.”

Even as I spoke the words, I cocked my head. Skinner was delivering a rather unusual solo, strange combinations of notes sounding at the same time. His lines are usually so clean...

I squinted at the stage, and then sat up. Skinner had his head turned toward Pete, who was intently looking down at his own guitar. As I watched Pete’s hand move high up the fretboard, I realized he was playing at the same time as Skinner. Was Pete supposed to go after the first chorus, and Skinner forgot? Then again, Pete only played rhythm with Skinner in the band, as far as I’d ever seen.

Skinner stepped to the mic and awkwardly started the second verse even as Pete wailed on through his lead. My stomach twisted up as Skinner made a gesture at him.

“What’s going on?” Muireann asked, having followed my gaze and caught on to the situation.

“Not sure. But whatever it is, it doesn’t seem good.”

At least Carl and Bruno are keeping it steady...

After the second chorus, Pete again began to play at the same time as Skinner. Pete ... what are you doing?

The song ended soon after that, because Skinner gave up trying to do his solo and delivered a couple of reprises of the chorus. He then signaled the final chord to Carl and they crashed it into an ending. I heard Pete’s solo continuing into the wash of sound, before it was overwhelmed by the crowd, who, luckily, seemed oblivious to the clash on stage. Skinner had marched over to Pete and was talking into his ear.

“I’ll be right back,” I abruptly said to the girls, rising and making my way out of the crowd. My walk turned into a run as I saw Pete suddenly unstrap his guitar and set it on a nearby stand. He hurried down the stage stairs and disappeared around the back.

“Sorry about that,” Skinner said, as he returned to the microphone, his bandana askew. He let out a short bark of laughter. “But sometimes, when you gotta go, you gotta go, you know?”

The crowd laughed. Damn it, Skinner ... Or maybe Pete really did have to pee? Still...

“This is our last song.” He glanced at the stairs, shrugged, and spoke again. “I, uh ... I think we’re on a strict schedule, so we’ll just go ahead and play it for you. Thanks again for listening, and we are The Nameless! Green Space coming up next, so get your tie-dyes on!”

I rushed behind the stage and found Pete heading for the rows of cars, not the row of porta-johns.

“Pete!” I called out, as I got within earshot of him and out of earshot of the rest of the people around.

He didn’t slow, so I sprinted as fast as I could, reaching him just as he opened the door to his parent’s car.

“Pete, hold up!”

He slipped into the back seat. I grabbed the door before he could close it.

Jesus, he’s fucking crying...

“Pete, what happened?” I managed, out of breath.

“Leave me alone!”

He tried to close the door again, but I blocked it.

“Come on, man, what the hell was that about?”

Pete wiped at his face, breathing harder than I was. “I fucked up, and Skinner got pissed.”

“What did you do? Were you supposed to solo second?”

“I don’t even know. But I’ve had enough of his shit. It’s not worth it. So not worth it.”

“All right ... I get that. I’m not a fan of Skinner either, so yeah, I definitely hear you.”

“They don’t fucking need me up there anyway.”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true, man, and you know it. Listen to them...” he said, gesturing to the stage, from where their final song was ringing out loudly and energetically. “I just stand there and play the same old rhythm while Skinner wanks his guitar off to every song for an hour at a time.”

I huffed. “Well, okay, that’s true. I just figured it’s what you all wanted.”

“What Skinner wanted, sure.”

“What about Bruno and Carl?”

Pete squeezed his fist in front of him, trying not to shed any more tears. “They just listen to Skinner too, man. We all do! The band’s nothing like what it used to be, before...”

Before, yeah ... Before it all got leveled.

“Slide over,” I said quietly.

Pete didn’t budge, so I stepped back and moved around the trunk to the other side of the car. I winced when I heard his door close, but fortunately he didn’t lock me out. I took the other seat just as Skinner finished the song. The roar was significant, even after I closed my door.

“Matt ... Just go back to the show. I’ll be fine. You don’t need to be dealing with this right now. You’re playing soon.”

It was my turn to stay put. “Green Space is next,” I said. “And there’s a half-hour break now anyway.”

He sighed and then pulled out a familiar little box from the back pocket of the car.

“Pete, seriously? At least go outside? Your parents are going to smell it in here!”

“I really don’t give a fuck anymore.”

I wondered what to do or say, but in the end, I couldn’t think of anything good. So I did nothing except crack open my window a bit as Pete lit up. Hopefully no one walking by will smell it...

“Are you quitting The Nameless?” I asked.

Pete shrugged. “I feel like I was never in it. So what’s the difference?”

“Stop saying that. You were in the band from the start. That still has to mean something.”

“It doesn’t.”

“Bullshit. You sounded good tonight.”

He turned to me, finally looking a little alive. “Yeah? You were listening?”

“I was,” I pressed, earnestly. “I was sitting out in the crowd with Shannon and Muireann. And it’s not all about solos, you know.”

Pete snorted, his open expression collapsing easily since it was faked. “So then you also heard that I didn’t even turn my guitar up until the fourth song?”

“What?”

“Yeah ... I had my volume down. It sounded better that way, but then the sound guy noticed.”

“Jeez, Pete ... Why would you do that?”

He took another huge drag and filled the car with more fragrant fog.

I better wrap this up or I’m going to be stoned for the rest of the night...

“I don’t know how many times I can tell you, Matt. They don’t need me in the band. I’m useless. I mean, you didn’t even notice I wasn’t playing, even when you say you were listening. I’m sure no one else did either.”

“I’m sorry, man. I was listening, but I wasn’t expecting that, so yeah, I guess I didn’t notice. Shit ... Have you talked to Bruno and Carl about Skinner?”

“Yeah, a few times,” he admitted quietly.

“And?”

“What can we do? None of us can sing.”

“There has to be someone other than Skinner that can sing with you!”

Pete glanced at me, his eyes red. “Yeah. But she’s in another band now.”

I slouched back against the seat, feeling quite tense. “That’s ... unfair.”

“Is it? Is that what you think?” he spat. “That you have it unfair?”

“That’s not what I mean at all,” I said quietly, taken aback by his sudden anger.

“What then?” he pressed.

I shook my head sadly. “Pete, come on ... I’m not going to go there, not right now.”

“Oh ... But the other day you sure were interested in knowing what was going on with me.”

I stared at him, dismayed. The one time you want to talk, man... ?

He waved his hand vaguely. “You wanted know all about what was wrong with me.”

“And I still fucking do!” I said emphatically, sitting up.

Pete suddenly seemed to shrink in his seat, so I calmed myself again.

“Look, man...” I huffed. “I know all this is complicated. The band, the twins, what happened with Lara ... All of it’s crazy, I get that. But you need to find a way to be okay with things. If you hate Skinner, then quit, and find something else to do. And if you want to talk about anything, I’ll talk. I just came out here to make sure you were all right. But like you said, I am playing soon, and I want to listen to Green Space too. So I don’t have time to go into all of it for hours right now. But I will, if you want to. I’ve tried, before, you know ... I’m just waiting on you.”

“So it’s my fault,” he muttered. “As usual...”

“Quit it, man. I didn’t say that. I was just trying to say that once this show is over, let’s—”

Pete suddenly peered out the windshield and then quickly rolled down his window. “Shit ... My folks are coming.”

My heart leapt at these words. I immediately opened my door, but it was pointless. Unless they were aromatically blind, they would know very soon what Pete had just done.

“Do they know you smoke?” I asked, resignation in my voice. This better not ruin my night ... Maybe I should make a run for it?

“They don’t know.” Pete opened his own door and crushed the remains of the joint in the lot, swishing the gravel until it pulverized both paper and plant into nothingness.

“Do you think they’re going to be mad?” I asked.

“My dad hates drugs. So I’m guessing I’m not going to be listening to you guys play or coming to your house tonight for the party. Sorry.”

My insides tightened and I watched with trepidation as his parents neared. His dad was a weird guy, I knew. Not aggressive, but quiet and usually apathetic to the point of being unfriendly sometimes. That’s the last thing that’s needed right now...

I had but a few seconds to make my escape. Now or never... I steeled myself.

“Tell them it was me.”

Pete turned, looking at me like I was an alien. “What?”

“Tell them I pulled out a joint and started smoking it before you could stop me.”

He gaped at me.

“Just do it, okay? I’m dead serious. Tell them,” I urged as I climbed out of the car. “And let’s talk later, or next week, whenever. And if you can stay for the show, or come out to the house tonight, you’re welcome.”

He only continued to stare at me in shock, so I shut the door and headed toward the stage.

“Hey, how’s it going?” I said to his parents. It was easy enough to make my voice sound suspiciously nervous, because my stomach was actually a mess.

His dad narrowed his eyes at me as I passed. “Is Pete in our car?”

“Yeah,” I called back, my insides doing somersaults as I heard him sniff the air. “And I’m sorry, about ... that ... I wasn’t thinking. I need to get to the stage, though! Thanks for coming out!”

I didn’t stick around to watch their reaction, or Pete’s for that matter. I scanned the area, relieved to find my moms over by the donation table. I hurried their way.

Time to have a little talk ... before Mr. and Mrs. Roderick do it for me.

But I was quickly sidetracked.

“Matt? Hi!”

I slowed to find a familiar face approaching me.

Nooo... ! This is not good ... She’s a hugger!

Sure enough, Clara took me into an embrace, which I returned after a moment’s hesitation. Damn it... But if she caught on to anything, she didn’t show it. Maybe she doesn’t even know the smell of it...

“What a wonderful event this is!” she gushed so elegantly.

“So far so good!” I quipped, glancing toward my moms. “And I’m sure more than a few people are here because of you letting us put the posters up in your studio.”

She smiled, her eyes glinting. “I have seen a number of my students here, yes!”

“That’s awesome. But, um ... I’m sorry I can’t talk too long, though. I really have to ask my moms something before I lose track of them in the crowd!”

She held out her hands. “No, please do! Believe me, I know full well how crazy show days are. Hopefully you don’t have too many fires to put out!”

As she smiled at me, I almost laughed.

“Not too many,” I replied simply.

“I’ll let you get back to it. But very quickly, I just want to let you know that if you’ll be around this summer, I’d love to have you back to the studio to do some work. I have a number of projects that are piling up. If you want, of course!”

I grinned at her. “I’d actually love that.”

“Excellent!” she said. “Stop by after the twins leave and everything settles down, and then we can talk.”

“I’ll do that,” I called, backing away from her.

She gave me a warm smile and waved. “Looking forward to your performance later!”

“Thanks!” I managed, spotting Pete’s dad making his way back toward the audience area.

Not too many fires ... Just a fucking inferno to put out...

I caught up with my moms just as they started heading for the food concessions.

“Hey,” I greeted, again having to catch my breath.

“There you are,” Melissa said. “Lara’s been looking for you.”

“Yeah, well ... Where did she go?”

“She’s up by the stage, I think. Are you okay?”

“Sort of. Can we go over there? I need to tell you something.”

They followed me to a little area that was free of people and hopefully out of sight of determined drug-haters.

I gathered myself as I entered new territory. “Um ... I have a feeling I just did totally the wrong thing, but I need to tell you anyway.”

“What is it?” Sarah asked, concerned at my introduction.

I took a steadying breath. “It’s about Pete. I have a feeling you’re going to be getting some news from his dad...”

After grabbing a water bottle from the nearby volunteer table, I made my way to the stage area, deep relief still washing through me. One of last year’s exchange students was reading her essay about her travel experience. Wish I had the time to listen... After exchanging some handshakes with the Green Space guys and wishing them a good set, I found Lara sitting in a chair behind the stage, intently studying a page of her lyrics. She saw me approaching and pocketed the sheet.

“Hey,” she said, offering me a wan smile.

The look on her face made me forget everything all at once. Shit, did she talk to Pete too?

“Are you okay?” I asked, crouching beside her. “What’s going on?”

“I’m freaking out, Matt ... I feel like a total hypocrite.”

I made a face. “Why?”

She squinted back some tears. “Because of Carmen. I don’t know if I can do this.”

“I’m not following. Can’t do what? The show?”

“How can I get up there and sing for this, when I was so mean to her?”

“What do you mean? Is this about you talking to her last year about the amusement park thing?”

Lara shuddered. “It’s about everything, Matt. That, and the fact that I’ve never really liked her since then.”

“Did you say something to her before she...”

“No, but ... Oh god, I’m sorry. I’m just feeling so ashamed!”

“Lara, it’s all right,” I said, rubbing her arm. “You’re not the only one going through this, you know? Muireann, me, Tommy ... All of us have regrets for things we said or didn’t say.”

“But I...” She paused, wiping at her face. “I was jealous of her. With Tommy,” she muttered.

I held her close. “I know that.”

She looked at me. “You do?”

“Sure. Even Mr. Blind could see that.”

“I wasn’t trying to be! I swear ... I kept telling myself that we didn’t have any reason to keep the twins from being friends with other people. Or even more than friends. But I couldn’t help it. When he started telling us about how she was teaching him gymnastics, I was so jealous, Matt. I couldn’t help it.”

“Did you do something to her?”

She nodded sadly. “I did what I could to stop them from being together.”

I sighed. “Like what?”

She slumped forward, but just then the student finished speaking and the crowd started clapping. I waited impatiently. Finally I leaned close as the sound died down and Dr. Kendall start talking.

“What did you do?” I asked.

“I told Muireann that Carmen was a bad influence, so that she’d tell Tommy to stop hanging out with her.”

“For what it’s worth, I don’t think that worked.”

“I know. And it was killing me that he was always talking about her, at the end there.”

“I don’t know that he was always talking about her.”

“Well, it sure seemed like it. He was even asking me about how we could bring her to Jonah’s with us.”

“Well, he asked me too. And I was the one who told her she couldn’t come,” I added, feeling a sharp pang of guilt flare forth. “And believe me when I say I feel like a total asshole for doing that to her.”

“You only did it because you knew I’d be mad if she came with us.”

I stared at her, feeling dizzy. “I ... did it for a lot of reasons, Lara. None of which were kind, at all. I was jealous too, you know.”

She considered me for a long moment. “Jealous? Of what?”

“Maybe jealous isn’t the right word. But basically, I didn’t want her interfering in what we had going on, with the band, the four of us. So yeah, maybe I was a bit jealous of us losing Tommy to Carmen somehow.”

“But you didn’t stop him from going outside with her.”

“I know that. I guess I didn’t realize what was going on at first, but still, by the end there I definitely wasn’t really encouraging it.”

I felt regret flooding me as I remembered the gymnastics lessons: Tommy so full of enthusiasm, Carmen encouraging him and grinning so brightly... How I wish I’d put film in the camera that day that I pretended to take pictures of them...

“Oh, I feel so shitty about all of this,” she wailed.

“Me too, Lara. But—”

“I can’t get up there,” she continued, “and pretend that I was some kind of friend to her.”

“Lara, I’m just going to tell you this much right now. Whatever you think you did to hurt Carmen ... You’ve got nothing on me, all right? Whatever you did is a drop in the bucket, compared.”

She suddenly looked at me, her eyes full of concern. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m not going to tell you now. But just know that if I can do this show, then so can you.”

“What did you do, Matt?”

“Some other time,” I said softly. “But I wasn’t good to her, believe me.”

“I know you had weird times, but I—”

“Not now, sis! I’m serious ... The point is, you can do this. She’s gone, you know, so we can’t fix anything with her. It’s too late to talk to her, or anything like that. But we can at least show her the kindness she deserves and make this a great event for her folks and friends, and for the fund that’s going to be in her name.”

“I don’t know ... I’m having a hard time imagining myself up there, knowing what I did. People are going to see right through me. And all my words are so weird and dark ... We should have picked happier songs to do for this.”

“We’ve talked about that enough times, and it’s fine. And you’re going to do the show, Lara. Of course it’ll be hard. And it’s even going to hurt, you know? To get up there and leave it all on the stage, it’s going to hurt like hell, but ... it’ll be...”