Chapter 34: The Pedals of My Mind

“Sorry I stole your bed,” Lara said, giving me a sheepish grin as she wandered out of my room the next morning.

I shrugged. “The couch is comfortable enough.”

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep. We were working on lyrics, you know, and ... Yeah. Where is everyone?”

“Colin’s not here yet, and Gwen came by a while ago but just grabbed Muireann and took off. And you and Tommy have been sleeping like logs.”

“Where did Gwen take her?”

“Beats me. She said they’d be back in a few hours.”

Lara made a face. “Interesting. Somehow I doubt they’re going to brunch at the resort.”

I laughed. “Yeah, probably not.”

“What are you doing?” Lara asked me.

“I’ve just been sitting here, chilling ... Massaging my arms. Is Tommy still out?”

“Completely.”

But just as Lara said that, he emerged from the room, groggily gathering his wits.

“Good morning,” we greeted.

“Morning ... It does feel early,” he said as he stretched.

“Almost eleven,” I countered.

“For feck’s sake, are you joking?”

“Nope.”

“No wonder I’m starving. And shite, we’re out of yogurt,” he lamented.

Lara and I cracked up at his continued obsession.

“Don’t worry,” I consoled. “They went to the store this morning. Go look in the fridge.”

Tommy sniffed. “Look in the fridge, he says.”

“Feel around in the fridge, then. But I think you’ll even be able to see it. They bought you like five tubs of it.”

He laughed richly. “Did they now? A shame, the jig is up. I knew I ate too much last time!”

Lara joined him in the kitchen to serve up breakfast.

“You want some?” she called to me.

For a moment, I stared at my sister, standing there smiling at me, the offered yogurt bowl in hand. Just a lazy Saturday morning breakfast. It seemed so incongruous, in a way, with what I imagined she must be feeling behind the masks. The underlying turmoil that surely roiled within her, even if it was subconscious so much of the time...

“Hello?”

I snapped out of it. “Oh, I already ate, so no. Um ... You know, I’m going to go to the house for a bit. I’ll be back later.”

“Cool.” Lara shrugged and turned back to her task.

I stepped out into the crisp spring day, feeling invigorated. After taking a few minutes to refresh my lungs, I went to my old room, opened the windows, and dialed the phone. It only took two rings.

“I’m just about to leave, so this better be super quick,” Heather said.

“Good morning ... and goodbye, I guess!”

She laughed. “Oh, I have a couple of minutes. But I really was about to head over to the studio for the day. You got lucky to catch me! What’s up?”

“I’m just feeling a bit left out,” I moaned, dramatizing the sadness more than a little bit.

“What’s wrong?” Heather asked.

I smirked at the genuine concern that leapt to her voice. “Well, Gwen gave Tommy his nickname last night.”

She realized I’d been joking, and her voice brightened again. “Oh, I see! You’re the last nameless one, huh?”

I sniggered at her observation. “Yep.”

“So what did he get?”

“Well, it’s Raven, Ireland, Spaceman, and now...” I paused for effect. “Chewy.”

She tittered, clearly enjoying the name. “Gwen is hilarious. I can’t wait to meet her someday.”

“Hah ... That’ll be interesting to watch.”

“Why?”

“I have no idea what she’ll make of you. Or you of her.”

“I think she’s totally great, from what you’ve told me.”

“You enjoy the fact that I get abused by our drummer?”

“Honestly ... yeah!”

“You’re terrible,” I muttered.

“And you still think too much of me.”

I chuckled. “Well, no, but...”

“Hey, what nickname do you think she’ll give me?” she asked.

“Hey, I’m next on line!” I protested.

“Aw, I’m sorry,” she consoled. “But you know, you already have a nickname she can use.”

“What, ‘Matty’?”

“No way, that’s Shannon’s,” she dismissed.

“You use it sometimes,” I reminded her.

“I’m allowed to use it! But no, Gwen can just call you ‘Matt the Splat’!”

I groaned, abruptly recalling my unceremonious attempt to slide across her car hood down in New Paltz some months ago. I’d forgotten about that stupid rhyme I’d made up in the heat of shame, but Heather’s delighted laughter clearly told me that she’d been thinking about it daily ever since. Hourly, even...

“Suddenly I’m kind of hoping that you never meet Gwen,” I muttered.

“Oh, but it’s such a good nickname!”

I waited the amusement out, and eventually she calmed herself.

“You know, it’s funny,” I said, “Gwen acts like she’s not really part of the band most of the time. Like she’s just sitting in to do us a favor. But then she’s basically driving the whole thing too. She made these really cool posters, and so far this weekend she’s made us sound twice as good as we sounded even last week.”

“You must be grateful to have her.”

“Very,” I admitted, realizing the truth of Heather’s statement. “Even though she’s prickly as fuck, she makes things pretty cool when we’re playing.”

“I’m glad to hear that you’re having fun.”

“Well, ask me again Sunday night when the marathon is over, but for now, yeah I am having fun. It’s been a good weekend. I know you need to go, and I don’t want to keep you, but I also, um...”

“What is it?”

I sighed. “I’m thinking I need to tell Lara. About, you know...”

“Oh ... I thought you would’ve told her already.”

“No, I haven’t. But her song is really getting to me. At least I need to tell her about Frej, if that’s okay.”

“I told you it was. I trust you.”

“All right. I’m not sure when, but ... Or do you want to tell her?”

“You go ahead, when the time is right.”

“Okay,” I murmured, shivering. “I will.”

Somehow ... Will the time ever be right, though?

I heard Shannon’s car announce Colin’s arrival. I was lying in my bed, having found it quite comfortable during my call with Heather. After hanging up, I was unwilling to relinquish it. Despite the desire to get back to the cabin to get rehearsing, I was also feeling a sudden laziness. Five more minutes...

I could barely hear the distant voices of the couple as they likely said goodbye to each other, and then Colin’s boots crunched past my window. I waited for the Camaro to come to life, but then heard my moms start speaking from the living room. It soon became clear that Shannon had come inside the main house. I heard my name, and it wasn’t long before I heard a knock.

“Matty?”

“Hey Shan. Come in.”

“Your moms said I should wake you up.”

I laughed. “Nah, I wasn’t sleeping, just chilling.”

“You do look a little beat,” she remarked, smiling.

“Yeah. We probably all do. Sleep has been hard to come by.”

“You don’t have to tell me that. Colin fell asleep on me last night,” she remarked.

I eyed her. “When you say ‘on me’, do you mean—”

Her wide-eyed expression made me laugh, even as she scolded me.

“Matty! You’re terrible! Is that all you think about?”

I shrugged. “I haven’t seen Heather in weeks, so ... Seems about right, yeah!”

She shook her head and then frowned at me. “Wait, did I interrupt something?”

Now it was my turn to guffaw. “Oh my god, who’s terrible?”

She leaned against my desk as she grinned. “Sorry, but I’m just trying to keep up with you. Are you getting up?”

“Thinking about it.”

“They’re waiting for you up at the cabin.”

“Nah, Gwen and Muireann went somewhere. I can at least wait until then.”

“Did they take her car?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, they’re back then. Her car’s in the drive.”

“Oh ... Maybe I did fall asleep then!”

Shannon grinned at me. “You do look comfy.”

“Feel free to join me,” I joked, sliding toward the wall.

Really, Shan? I was kidding.

As she settled next to me, staring up at the ceiling, I gave her a funny look.

“Are you all right?” I asked.

“Yeah. Why do you ask?”

“I was joking about getting in the bed.”

“Didn’t seem like it. You even moved over.”

“That ... was part of the joke. So now what do we do?”

She smiled wistfully. “I tell you my news.”

“News? What’s up?”

“I think I’ve decided to go to SUNY-Buffalo in the fall.”

I nodded appreciatively. “Wow ... Congrats, Shan! That’s great news. I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks...” she replied quietly. “But I think you’re also wondering what happened to Syracuse.”

“Well, I know at one point that was your top choice,” I said carefully.

“It was. But ... Colin’s going to go to Buffalo too.”

“Ah ... Well, that’s pretty damn sweet, then!”

“Yeah,” she breathed. “It is.”

I mulled her deceptively even response. “Is, uh ... Is it sweet?”

She remained pensive. “Syracuse is expensive ... And Colin didn’t get in.”

I took a few breaths in the silence. “Are you saying you’re going to Buffalo because of Colin?”

“I don’t know. My parents don’t really understand. They say they’ll pay for Syracuse.”

“Do they know Colin is going to Buffalo too?”

“No.”

I propped myself up on one arm to look at her. She turned her eyes to me, and I realized I missed my old friend this year. The twins and everything related had certainly changed so many things.

“Shan, what do you want?” I asked. “Like, forget your parents and what they think.”

She took a deep breath. “I don’t know how to answer that.”

“You can trust me,” I said softly. “I know I’ve been busy, but ... I’m still the same guy who used to hang out with you in the darkroom all night, talking about everything.”

She nodded. “I know, Matty. It’s just that ... what if what I want is not what I’ll get?” She sighed. “Have you ever felt that way? Like the thing you really want, you’re not sure if you’ll have it? And it’s risky to try for it?”

“It’s the story of my life, Shan,” I whispered.

More than you even know...

“Aw,” she said, pouting at my droopy remark.

“Come on, tell me what you’re thinking. I doubt I’ll have any good advice, but maybe just talking it out will help you.”

She looked at me for a long moment, before nodding and returning her gaze to the ceiling. “I love Colin. I feel like we are perfect for each other.”

I sniffed. “I won’t disagree with you there.”

“Syracuse has a really good photography and arts program ... But I want to go to Buffalo with Colin, even if it’s not quite as good. And that—”

She remained quiet for a while.

“And that scares you,” I finished, “because what if you go to Buffalo, and something happens between you and him, and you gave up Syracuse for nothing.”

She closed her eyes and nodded heavily. “Yeah,” she whispered. “Am I doing the right thing?”

I took a long breath. “I don’t know the right answer, Shan. But you have to go with what you feel right now. If something happens down the road, then you can deal with it then. It could work out right either way or work out wrong either way. So just pick one and go for it.”

“Which would you pick?” she asked, looking right at me.

I huffed. “Wow, that’s a tough call. I mean, I see you and Colin a lot, but I can’t know how you feel about him. And that’s a pretty important factor in weighing things.”

“I can see myself marrying him someday,” she replied candidly.

I nodded solemnly. “Okay, that’s ... pretty serious, then.”

“So what would you do? A great school? Or go where you can be with your special someone?”

“Well, does Colin feel the same way?” I asked gently.

She smiled a little and nodded. “He does. It’s not like we’re planning a wedding, nothing like that. But we both feel we’ve found our best friend in each other. I mean, you told me once that I’d find someone someday, where my dancing was just the right thing for them. And that’s Colin, in so many ways.”

“That’s actually really cool to hear, Shan.”

“It is cool. And it’s thanks to you.”

“Me?”

“For getting us together.”

I laughed. “I really did nothing at all.”

Shannon shook her head. “Well, you can believe what you want, but if you hadn’t done everything you did back then, we might not be together.”

“Somehow, I doubt that. Lara says Colin was interested in you ever since he met you at the talent show. And I had nothing to do with that. If anything, me and Heather confused things for Colin!”

“I know all that,” Shannon dismissed. “But none of that stuff is what I’m talking about. The only thing that matters to me is that you gave me courage, Matt. And that was what did it.”

“All right, well ... I’m really happy for you, Shan. I really am. But that doesn’t get to your question, which I don’t know the answer to. And besides, I’m probably not the person to ask.”

She glanced at me. “Why not?”

I took another breath. “Because ... I don’t even know the answer for myself.”

She frowned. “What are you deciding about?”

For a moment, I almost let the mask slip ... But that would be making a commitment to the decision, one way or another.

“Oh, I just mean in general,” I said vaguely. “Just that I’m always hemming and hawing about shit. Anyway, you’re best off deciding for yourself what you want, then just do it. Take the leap.”

She nodded slowly.

“What does Colin think about it?” I asked.

“He wants me to go to Syracuse. At least, that’s what he says. We’ll visit each other on weekends, and stuff.”

“You could. They’re not that far apart, right? What, a couple hours’ drive?”

“Yeah, a few hours. And I just have to look at you and Heather to see that it’s totally doable ... But I also know that not everyone can do what you and her do.”

I murmured quietly. “Somehow I get the feeling you two would have a harder time being apart. And don’t get me wrong, I miss Heather like crazy, but you and Colin seem a bit different in that way.”

“I know what you mean, Matty,” Shannon agreed. “We thrive off of hanging out together. He helps me with my photography, and we’re always doing things. Honestly, the only time when we’re not together is when he’s over here playing his bass!”

“Sorry,” I said.

She smiled and patted by chest. “Don’t be. I wasn’t complaining. He’s having the time of his life playing with all of you.”

“Good to hear.”

She let out a long breath. “I have to decide soon, Matty.”

I swallowed. “Then ... go to Buffalo.”

“You think I should?”

“Yeah. You’re so talented, I’m not worried about your photography, honestly. And if you really feel that strongly about Colin, go for it. You can find subjects for your camera anywhere, but finding someone you really dig, well ... That seems harder. Not that I know that much about it, but I had to go all the way to Montauk to find her, you know?”

Shannon giggled, even as she looked at me solemnly. “Matty, you’re so funny. But are you serious? You said you couldn’t pick for me, but now you really think I should go to Buffalo?”

“I do. If what you told me is true.”

“Every word.”

“Then go for it. And if it goes bad, you can come back here and give me hell.”

She closed her eyes and sighed. “I could never do that. And like you said, I can’t know what’s going to happen. But this is what I want to do, even if it means giving up on the program at Syracuse.”

“Too bad for them. Buffalo will be lucky to have you.”

Her expression melted into a warm smile. “Oh, Matt ... You’re too sweet. And maybe it’s not that hard,” she mused.

“What?”

“Finding someone you dig ... Sure, you had to go to Montauk, and maybe I’ve just been lucky, but there’s two guys in my town that I really dig.”

“You better get out of my bed before Colin catches you here saying things like that to me.”

She suddenly pulled me down against her, hugging me tightly into a little cavern made of her face, shoulder, and the pillow. “I don’t care, and neither would Colin. And I am going to go to Buffalo, Matty. It’s what I want. I guess I wanted to know that I wasn’t making a bad choice, but you just made me realize that it doesn’t matter. There is no good and bad about it.”

“It is what it is...” I murmured into her ear.

“Yeah ... And I’ll make the best of it, whatever happens.”

“Good...” I stroked her temple with my free hand. “You know, I’m going to miss you next year.”

“Same here, Matty, same here. But I’m not leaving yet.”

“Soon enough, Shan ... And, also, I can’t really breathe in here...”

She giggled and let me out of the tight hug. “I wasn’t trying to kill you, I swear.”

“No, Muireann’s the one who always wants to choke me ... Come up to the cabin and hang a bit,” I said. “We’d love to have an audience for a little while. And you can tell us if what we’re working on is any good.”

“Okay, I will. I was going to ask if I could develop some prints anyway.”

I grinned. “Of course, Shan. You know you don’t even have to ask. And that’s true even when you come visit us from Buffalo!”

When Shannon and I reached the cabin, my band mates were already deep at work on Paper Trail. We were barely acknowledged as we entered during the complex crossing melodies of the outro section.

‘I only ever wanted to live your dreams... ‘

I realized my stomach was feeling a little off, so I left Shannon on the couch and went to the bathroom. As I muffled the sound of the band behind the closed door, I glanced in the mirror. Damn! I do look pretty worn out... But I wasn’t worried about that as much as the unsettled feeling that seemed to keep growing within me.

“Who am I to be giving Shannon advice...” I muttered.

I splashed some water on my face and cleared my head, trying to focus on what we were working toward. Get a grip, man... I could hear Muireann sounding her lines out there, the ones I was supposed to be playing with her. For a time, I listened, feeling overwhelmed. But it’s all lies...

I sat on the toilet, the music washing out in my ears ... At last the band stopped. A loud knock jolted me upright.

“Are you alive in there?” Lara asked.

“Yeah, just washing my face,” I said, jumping up to repeat the act.

I dried off and pulled the door open. Lara gave me a slightly odd look before pushing past me.

“Get tuned up. We want to try something.”

She closed the door behind me, and I took to the couch next to Shannon, drawn to her once again. She laughed as she ended up squished between Colin and me.

“Are you all right?” she asked me, even as I watched Muireann step outside with Tommy.

“Yeah, still trying to wake up, I guess,” I said.

“Get a soda,” Colin suggested, holding his Crush. “A little sugar goes a long way, man.”

I nodded. “I think you’re onto something. The problem is getting up from the couch, though!”

“So what, are you quitting the band?” Gwen asked, having caught on to my lazy state.

“No, why?”

“I figured you’d crap out by tonight, but I didn’t think you wouldn’t even make it to lunch time.”

“Nah, I’m just getting started today,” I said, even as I struggled to inject humor into my voice. “I was out putting up your posters all morning.”

“You’re such a liar. You were asleep, I bet.”

“Caught,” I said. “But I did—What the ... Is that—?”

I gaped at Gwen, which was clearly the wrong thing to do because she glared at me and reached for her drumsticks.

“The fuck are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a lip piercing before?”

“Yeah, on Muireann!” I cried. “Is that where you went this morning?”

“Maybe.”

“Did she get another one?”

“I don’t know. You can ask her, since you’re so worried about it.”

I glanced at Colin, but he just shrugged.

I grunted and stood. “Fine, I’ll wake up.” I grabbed a soda on my way outside, and then rounded the twins as they stood there chatting. Muireann trailed off as I examined her too closely.

“What?” she asked.

“Oh, nothing. I saw Gwen’s new jewelry, and I was just wondering!”

Muireann smiled coyly as she drew her hair behind her ear to show me her own new additions: two earrings above her ear lobe. It was quite pretty, I thought.

“While I was there...” she said flippantly.

“Might as well, right? Your mom will be so pleased,” I joked.

“Aye, but there’s not much she can do about it from back home, is there?”

“Nope,” I agreed, laughing.

Tommy was grinning. “You should come back to Ireland with us, lad, just to watch the welcome home reception. It will be quite frosty, even for the merry month of July!”

This little exchange was what I needed to wake up a little. Well, perhaps it was the sugar rush of chugging the can, but either way, we soon were back at our instruments.

“Let’s go on to Horizon Lines,” Tommy called out. “Muireann, Matt ... We want to try something at the end.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“Something we worked out last night when you two went out to pee in the woods.”

I eyed Muireann, but she just shrugged.

“We weren’t peeing,” I retorted. “In fact, we want to try something too. Well, Muireann does.”

Tommy grinned. “From the top then. But heads up, because there’s something new at the end. Just see what comes to you!” he said, gesturing to us.

Gwen wasted no time in kicking off the song with Colin, establishing a driving beat on her kick and throwing in one-handed hi-hat trebles while smirking at me. Tommy soon added his guitar, a ruminating low pattern that set Muireann and me up to play our short snippet of a reel. I let a little feedback build into the lick, waiting for Muireann to give me the nod to come in with her.

Damn trebles, I thought, as I flubbed the first one. But the second and third actually sounded out. I raised a puckish brow at Gwen, but unfortunately by this time she was too into the song to notice me anymore. Figures...

As Muireann and I held our last note, the energy settled as Lara pulled the microphone close to her. I added a few guitar phrases to fill the space before she sang.

You pushed the pedals of my mind
Made the horizon split in two
Now I’m up here flying blind
Don’t know which one is and isn’t you

Right away we shifted into the livelier bridge as Gwen double-timed the beat.

People on the ground, looking up from afar
Everybody says they see a shooting star
Take a closer look, it’s only flames and scars
A satellite that’s going down, that’s going—

We leapt into the transition. The craziness of Gwen’s deconstructed rhythm was now second nature – almost – even as it remained one of my favorite things of everything we’d ever worked out in our music. The hits shook the cabin, while Tommy, Muireann and I kept focused on our riffs. The moment when it came together seemed to sweep through the room, and Muireann played her enflamed lines for the first time in front of the band. I caught Shannon’s wide eyes, her face a full smile, and then noticed everyone else staring at Muireann in appreciation as well. Even Lara pointed at her in pleased recognition while she belted out the high notes of the chorus.

Red lights flash
Alarms all ring
The wings are falling right off this thing
Rudder shakes
Black needles pump
You better open up the hatch and jump!

Tommy did jump, right into the longer piece of a reel that Muireann had written for them to play together. This first time through, though, he played it solo, giving him a chance to show his skills.

The feel of the introduction returned, and I slid my capo into place to cheat for the higher version of the short phrase; this let me have the open string as a crutch. It was worth it though, because with Muireann and I playing in unison, it came out with more intensity. Little by little the song built up once more.

You pulled the levers of my heart
Made the horizon split in three

Muireann added her voice, harmonizing Lara on the third line.

Now I’m up here breaking apart
Don’t know which one is and isn’t me

Tommy and I merged on the chords, thickening the sound as the fiddle supported Lara with a countermelody.

People on the ground, looking up from afar
Everybody swears they see a shooting star
Take a closer look, it’s only flames and scars
A burning heart that’s going down, that’s going—

Gwen was completely committed, her arms flying about as she kept rotating her cymbal hits during the transition. Both times I felt like leaping into the air for that moment when Gwen and Colin dropped out. Woo, I lost it! But Gwen was unstoppable and by sheer force I got dragged to the chorus once more. Her sea-ride roared to life at the end as we joined together on the downbeat.

Red lines clash
Sirens sing
The skin is peeling right off this thing
Windshield breaks
Controls all slump
You better open up the hatch and jump

The desperation mounted as Lara sang up to her final high note, riding on Muireann’s intense patterns. I took over from Lara on the same pitch, playing the solo I’d been working out for the past few weeks. It was getting smoother, and all the practice with the Irish snippet had given me some more facility ... Still, it remained a challenge. Needs another thirty tries!

Without a second to breathe, Muireann and Tommy took over from me and sounded out their reel together, propelling the song into overdrive. One last time... Muireann split off from Tommy to return to the fire arpeggios while he played the reel once more.

I realized my body was completely tense as we hit the final chord. Between the lyrics and harmonies and Gwen’s intense spread of grooves, it was easy to get caught up in the force of it. I let out a breath, glad that we’d made it through the song in one piece. A lot of places this one can go wrong...

Instead of holding the chord and letting it fade, though, Tommy and Colin continued through, the tone of Tommy’s guitar still wrapped in a warm and rich overdrive from one of Jonah’s pedals. Gwen joined them with some final strokes of her ride, but then established a new pulse. Tommy played an ascending line on the guitar, and in another moment, Gwen raised her arms and crashed her sticks down on the cymbals. She launched into a soaring, stretched-out half-time pattern that made me tingle. Colin and Tommy flew along with her, sustaining a complex span of notes that filled the room from top to bottom.

Wow, this is neat...

I listened for a few measures as the guys slowly cycled back and forth between two chords, the durations of each never quite the same. Gwen followed them with the perpetual beat. The whole sound was the reflection of the lyrics, really, suddenly turning disaster onto its head into something beautiful, if still complicated and open-ended. The burning debris of change, flying off to the horizon lines... If you only listen to the music, you might think it a shooting star...

I finally looked at Muireann and shrugged. We were obviously supposed to do something over this bed of sound. She put the bow to string, and I picked a starting note as well.

We kept our eyes on each other as we played, and it was easy, somehow ... Tommy and Colin had left things open for us, and Muireann and I seemed to lock onto some sort of minor telepathy as we began exchanging melodies. Though maybe they weren’t even melodies, more like notes that moved around, bobbing on the waves made by the rhythm section. The guys led us, and maybe even Gwen was leading them, and it was clicking into place.

Muireann and I piled onto each other, sounds emerging from sounds. I watched her fingers, seeing if she was going up or down, trying to stay in harmony, but even when we smiled at how we went different ways from each other, it still made something interesting. The closeness we’d been developing during ‘music in the woods’ was paying off in spades.

For her part, Lara was in bliss. She’d fallen to sit on the couch and was smiling as she kept time with Gwen on the couch cushions. But she soon scrunched her face into concentration and abruptly rose to take her microphone from the stand. She glanced at me and then lay down along the cushions, staring at the ceiling as she waited.

I returned my attention to Muireann, who had also noticed Lara’s preparation. As the pattern of chords came to a head, I played an ascending line that would end on a high bent note ... It seemed a perfect way to let Lara come in with... the chorus? What is she going to sing?