Chapter 31: Steer it True

“Do you wish this never happened?” she asked quietly.

I turned to look at Heather, her face illuminated by the fading twilight. Until now, Heather had not spoken in the half-hour or so since I’d silently confirmed her connection to Frej. I didn’t mind the quiet, because I had much to think about myself. The pier was strangely deserted, and we’d migrated to the gazebo to sit.

“Why do you say that?” I asked.

“Because it really puts a new light on everything.”

“It does, it does,” I agreed. “But does it change anything, in the end?”

“I don’t know. If you change the lighting of your subject, does it change the subject? Or just the way the subject is seen in the photo?”

“It doesn’t change the subject,” I said softly. “It’s still the same person, when the shoot is over.”

Her eyes narrowed as she watched something unseen. “A few weeks ago, I would’ve agreed with you.”

“I don’t like the sound of that, Heather.”

“It’s not a bad thing, Matt. Don’t be down on it.”

“Okay, sorry. I’m just worried for you. I can’t imagine how this must feel. And I don’t know that I like a big change like this, coming at you with everything already on your mind.”

“You think it’s a bad change?” she asked.

I shrugged. “No, that’s not what I mean. I’m just trying to figure out how things are going to be. I mean, ten minutes ago, I had this realization.”

“What’s that?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” I dismissed. “I don’t want to add to things.”

She put her hand on my shoulder. “I kind of doubt you can surprise me at this point. I’ve had an extra week over you, thinking about this. But either way, let it out.”

I stared out at the waves a bit. They were low but convoluted. At times they seemed to move in the wrong directions, and it almost made me dizzy.

“You have an aunt in Maine now,” I finally said.

Heather chuckled softly. “I know that.”

A flush of relief went through me that I hadn’t struck anything delicate. “I wasn’t sure if you’d thought of it that way yet.”

“Oh, I have. And I’m Birgitte’s only relative. Well, her only young relative.”

“So no cousins?”

“No. She’s not even married.”

“Do you think she knows?”

Heather spread her hands. “I’m not sure, Matt. But I don’t know her that well, so it’s not high priority right now to find out.”

“No, that’s true,” I agreed. “That’s why I wasn’t sure about bringing it up. You don’t need more stuff to think about.”

“So, do you want to hear something crazy that I thought of ten minutes ago?”

I glanced at her, finding a bit of impishness within those blue eyes. “I’m not sure ... Do I?”

“Why wouldn’t you? You’re the one who just said that the light doesn’t change the person ... so what are you worried about?”

“Yeah, I did say that, but now I’m starting to believe it less with every second I look at you!”

Heather laughed. “Well, you can test your belief right now, if you want.”

I took a deep breath and steeled myself. Maybe she has an uncle, too?

“Okay, let’s hear it,” I murmured.

She considered me and then said, “If Frej does end up settling down with your parents, I’ll be your step-sister.”

I groaned, closing my eyes. “Oh, Heather... !”

“Still feeling the same in this new light, Mr. Subject?” she teased.

She’s enjoying this ... She’s actually fucking enjoying this!

“They wouldn’t ever get married,” I protested feebly.

“A technicality. You know exactly what I mean.”

“Jeez ... I didn’t think of that! So you’re saying that someday I could be in a relationship with ... with my...”

I couldn’t finish the statement. Of course, Heather graciously made sure that the light she’d just shined left no part of my soul in the dark.

“ ... with your step-sister and your half-sister. Yep.”

“This is crazy,” I muttered.

Heather moved close to me, as I shook my swirling head. “So...” she breathed, “Do you still believe the person stays the same?”

“No, you just totally obliterated that idea! I kind of wish you hadn’t told me that, Heather.”

She smiled as she sat back a bit. “Come on. You would’ve thought of it eventually. Better to face it now, while you can still get out easily.”

My heart jumped. “Get out? What are you talking about? That’s not what I mean!”

Heather shrugged, continuing to watch me.

“Are you saying you want out?” I managed, although immediately I regretted the question because I didn’t want to know the answer. I always thought Heather had a tolerance for discomfort and weirdness that far exceeded my own, but then again, I was the one who grew up with the extremely unusual family situation, not her. Yeah, you have a week on me, Heather, thinking about this stuff, but I have years on you...

Maybe this was getting too weird for her. I sat there, tense, wondering why she wasn’t replying.

“Say something, please?” I muttered.

“I’m not going to answer that question.”

“What!” I blurted out, now in a panic. “Are you really saying—”

“Matt, slow down!”

I realized I was standing, so I sat again. “I know this is a crazy shock,” I said, more calmly, “but we can’t just make rash decisions and blow everything up!”

“That’s good advice. Which is exactly why I don’t want to say anything right now about the future.”

“But not even whether—” I stopped and composed myself, abruptly remembering who I was talking to. “No ... you’re right. I should take my own advice. I’m sorry. It’s just ... Like I said earlier, Heather. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me.”

“You have a lot of good things in your life. I’m happy to be one of them.”

I nodded. “Okay ... I’ll go along with that much. And damn, I should know better by now.”

“What?” she asked, smiling a little.

“Not to think I know what you’re trying to say. I should just listen to what you do say, because beyond that, I never know what’s going to happen.”

She leaned close and pulled me into a tight hug. “Oh, Matt, I love you, so much.”

I let out some of the tension as we kissed for a time. When we separated, the light was quite dim. Smoky layers of clouds lay in sheets in the west, forming little bands of slightly different colors. It was hard to tell exactly where the water turned into air.

“Come back to our place,” I offered.

“Okay,” she replied, contented at the invitation.

We set off in silence, the world feeling oddly calm.

“My moms know, by the way. That’s how I know, that it’s Frej.”

“I was wondering about that,” she mused.

I briefly recounted the driving lesson with Sarah, as we walked along the sand.

“And they won’t say anything,” I finished. “Not even to you, I don’t think.”

“Your parents are so damn cool. But you say you overheard your mom and Frej? When was that?”

“When we came for Thanksgiving.”

Heather slowed and stared off at the stack of horizons for a long moment. “Wow ... Your parents have really known since then?”

I considered. It was a long time, indeed. “I think so? I mean, I didn’t ask if that was when Frej told her, so maybe not, but ... it sure could’ve been then, from what I overheard. But maybe you’re right. It might have been at Christmas, or in February ... I don’t actually know. But it definitely sounded like she’s known for a while. Like, it wasn’t this trip she found out, that much I’m sure.”

She laughed gently. “Interesting.”

“What’s so funny?”

“Well, that’s another light on things. If they’ve known, but they’ve still kept up their relationship with Frej...”

I thought for a moment. “Whoa ... You think that means ... all of this doesn’t bother them?”

Heather gave me a grin. “That’s one way to see it! Because you and me, we were here first, right?”

“True. Damn, though, I wonder what they’re thinking about it now,” I said quietly. “They probably figured this would be a secret forever. This could change things.”

“Yeah, I don’t know, Matt. But right now, I think I might’ve had as much as I can take for one day. What do you say we let it go for now, and just hang out and enjoy the night? I have no idea what’s going to happen, but there’s no rush. What I do know is that you’re leaving soon, and that makes me want to be with you, and Lara and the twins, and have some fun. Or even just sit on the couch and hold hands. What do you say?”

“You know what I always say about doing things with you, Heather.”

She gave me the sweetest smile and pulled me close as we continued walking. The pile of clouds in the west spread and divided, the horizons multiplying as we approached my aunt’s house.

“That’s one ridiculous sunset,” Heather murmured.

“Crazy,” I agreed.

“Oh, I need to tell you something. I asked someone to come to your house tonight. I hope you don’t mind.”

I frowned at her. “Who?”

Heather put her hand to her ear and raised a brow, so I held still. From the porch windows, I soon heard a familiar laugh.

“Julie?” I cried out. “Oh, it would be great to see her! I thought of calling her this week, but there never seemed to be the time. Or the mood, to be honest.”

“Well, looks like she took up my invite. Let’s go in. And let everything else go, Matt.”

I nodded, pulling her close on the bottom step. “I will. Everything, except for you.”

“I’ll go along with that, for now,” she murmured into my lips, even as I cut her off with a kiss.

I woke up refreshed, finally having had a long and deep sleep. It was almost surprising to find that I was dry and in my cot, and that the sun had risen before me.

The previous night had been warm, fun, and almost like old times. Only when I looked at Frej and saw an echo of Heather’s spirit in him did I not heed Heather’s words about letting the topic slide for the night. For her part, Heather was the pier girl again: funny, amiable, charming, and easily the most attractive girl I’d ever come across.

Julie was in good spirits, perhaps caught up by the kind invitation and the opportunity to be entertained by Tommy and his antics. With yet another new audience member, he could roll out some of his old tricks, but they were still hilarious even on what had to be a much-repeated hearing. We played some music for her, and all sang together.

Mostly though, I sat beside Heather, held her warm hand in mine, and enjoyed her touch all night long. Everything else, the guitar playing, the card games, the banter and horsing around ... It was all icing, riding above the simplicity of knowing that Heather was with me, at that moment.

I stretched in my cot. Friday had arrived, and it was our last full day in Montauk. We would be leaving early the next morning, as Melissa needed to be back at the resort for a special event. I’d considered trying to convince Sarah to stay an extra day with just me, or even thought about asking Melissa to drive home alone with most of our bags and instruments, and we’d squeeze into the other car ... but it seemed rather selfish. Already I was ditching the family far too often to be respectful. Besides, staying an extra day wouldn’t make leaving any easier.

I raised my head and glanced at Tommy’s bed, finding it empty. The morning light streamed in, energetic and bright. I sank down again. For a time, I stayed still, gathering the energy to move. I was strangely relaxed, considering everything that had rained down on me the previous day. Still, there was a decided pit in my stomach, and that pit grew a bit deeper when I heard my door slide open and I saw who it was.

“Hey, sis,” I said quietly.

“Are you getting up, you lazy lad?” she teased.

“Almost there. I was pretty wiped out.”

She sat on Tommy’s bed and looked at me. “We’re going to try swimming. It’s actually a warmish day.”

“Warm for April, or actually warm?”

Lara gave me a patient look. “Yeah, Matt, it’s eighty-nine degrees out.”

Could have used that a few nights ago...

“I don’t know ... Maybe we had a heat wave come in last night.”

“Sadly no. It’s still cool out there, just not, like, stupid cold. So we’re going to swim.”

“Well it’s fucking freezing in the water, just so you know. Warmish day or not.”

“You’ve been in?”

“No, but Heather has.”

“Oh. Well, we figured the twins should at least take a dip, just to say they did it. We probably won’t be back to Montauk with them again, before they go back home.”

“All right, I’ll join in, if you give me fifteen minutes to get up and eat.”

“Sure, we can wait.” She glanced at the hallway. “Are you ... doing okay?”

I nodded evenly. “Yeah, surviving.”

“What’s going on? Is something up with Heather? You two have been acting a bit ... strange this week. I’ve been trying not to pry, but...”

I smiled a bit. “I’d tell you, but I thought you wanted to swim in fifteen.”

She shrugged. “At least give me a quick idea. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s ... wrong, exactly. She’s just going through some stuff ... with her folks,” I said, pleased that I found a reasonable excuse that wasn’t a lie.

A look of relief passed across her face. “Oh, okay. But, you and her, you’re good, right? I mean, it sure seems like it, but...”

“Yeah, we’re good, Lara. Like I said, it’s something with her folks. I can’t really say. Not right now, anyway. She wants to work this out on her own, you know.”

Lara nodded. “She has been a bit closed up this week.”

“I know, but don’t take it personally. It’s just a thing she needs to figure out. Another thing, I guess. I’m not even involved in it myself, so ... I’ll tell you more, but some other time though.”

“Okay. Thanks for letting me know. I almost asked her last night, but I’m glad I didn’t now. I guess it could’ve been awkward?”

“Yeah, probably. Don’t worry though, she’ll be all right. Oh, by the way, I want to run something by you.”

She grinned at me. “I thought we only had fifteen minutes.”

“I’ll make it quick!”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“It’s an idea I have for when we get back home.”

The ocean was cold indeed, but not completely intolerable. Muireann even ventured in, surprisingly, even though it took her about three hours to finally dip the first toe in. Well, not quite, but there certainly was massive hesitation involved. In the end, the water got halfway up her calves before she had enough and put her long skirt back on. I splashed around with Tommy and Lara in the waves, which were of a perfect size; large enough to create some fun, but not so large that they were annoying.

Heather, of course, was missing, having to cover for the short staff at the market. I was sad that I’d not see her until afternoon and still worried about how she was doing, but it also was good to spend some more time with the twins. There was a decided sense of shame within me at how absent and antisocial I’d been lately.

I was happy to spot Julie walking down the beach, towel in hand. We were all lying on the sand by then, trying to warm up in the spring sun. Lara’s promised heat wave was nothing of the sort, just a slightly less frigid day.

“It’s a bit daft, lying out here, is it not?” Muireann asked. “When the house is nice and warm?”

“Naw, this is an oven, compared to getting out of the swimming pool back home,” Tommy quipped.

Julie neared, and greetings went around. “Did you already swim?” she asked.

“Yeah, sorry,” Lara said.

“Aw. And I was looking forward to it!”

“I’ll go in again if you want,” I offered, happy to see her. “It felt pretty refreshing, and the waves are nice today.”

Julie gave me a smile as she set her towel down. “Sure, if you’re up for it.”

“Anyone else for round two?” I called out as I stood up.

Muireann shook her head.

“Lara?” Tommy asked.

“No, I’m going inside soon.”

“You’re on your own, then,” he chimed.

Yet again... I sighed, realizing that I needed to do far better.

Julie had already stripped down to her suit, so we walked down the sand and waded in. She took the coldness in stride, rather impressively. I was expecting at least a squeak, but she didn’t even flinch. As the water reached her hips, she dove in and surfaced past a breaker.

“Since when do you like cold water?” I asked, catching up to her.

“I’ve always liked swimming, Matt.”

“Hmm ... I seem to remember you as more of a lay-out-and-tan kind of person.”

She gave me a look. “Is that so? And since when are you an expert on my beach habits?”

I laughed heartily but said nothing.

“What?” she pressed.

“I’m not sure I should answer that question!”

“Why not?”

“Because it would be ... inappropriate!”

Julie giggled. “Get out of here. What are you talking about?”

I stared out at a distant fishing vessel for a second. “We used to hang out on the beach in the summer, remember?”

“Of course I do. So what?”

“So I ... know some of your beach habits. Let’s leave it at that! Anyway, I never figured you for a cold-water kind of person.”

She relented and shrugged. “Well, you’re probably right. Back then, at least! But lately, I’ve been going for a swim pretty much every day.”

“Really? Wow, that’s some dedication! What’s that about? Working out for something?”

“No, just trying to get as much as I can of this place, you know,” she said quietly.

“Um ... You live here?” I remarked, grinning. “I can see someone like me saying that, the day before I leave for home, but you?”

“Yeah, that’s kind of ... Well, it’s just something I’ve been doing lately. I’ll get up and just go for a long swim. It’s really nice. No people out, just me and the water. It’s a good feeling, and it lets me think.”

“I won’t argue with that.”

“You want to swim for a bit?” she asked.

“I’ll do what I can, but after what you said, I have a feeling I’ll be gasping for air before you even break a sweat!”

“Don’t worry, I’ll save you from drowning, Matt,” she teased.

I glanced at the twins and Lara, finding them already folding their towels to return to the house. For a moment I felt another pang of regret.

I waved at them. “Wusses,” I joked, despite my mood.

“Looks like it really is just you and me.”

“Lead the way then!”

Julie stroked out into the calmer area past the steeper waves and started swimming parallel to the shore. I kept up, finding my body immediately complaining about the unexpected effort and the frigid salty water that tried to invade my mouth and nose.

You could’ve still been lounging in bed, doofus...

After the first few minutes, the muscle burn faded a bit and I settled into a rhythm. Julie dug in and paid me no mind, so I did the same, and we plowed through the water in tandem. After a time, I looked up and found that we’d progressed quite a ways. Julie sensed me falling behind and she paddled back toward me.

“Had enough?” she asked.

“Seriously, are you doing like a triathlon, or something?” I asked between huffs of air. “I’m about to drown, but you look like you could swim all the way to the pier and not even notice.”

She laughed. “No, silly, no training. I told you, I’m just enjoying the ocean lately.”

“All right. I think that’s as far as I can go, but don’t let me hold you back. I’ll follow along, but I’ll be walking on the beach!”

Julie flicked her head toward shore. I followed gratefully, as the fatigue was setting in fully now. Too many hours sitting on the couch playing guitar...

The breaking waves caught us and pushed us along, and eventually we were beached. I was glad to see that Julie was breathing at least a little bit harder than normal, as we crawled out of the roiling wash and into the edge of the tide. She rolled to lie on her back and clasped her hands over her tummy as she relaxed out of the effort. Might as well do the same, I thought. Although, not before stealing a glance at Julie’s figure. Triathlon or not, she sure was looking fit. Not that she ever looked remotely unfit, but there was additional sculpting atop her body these days, a healthy tone that—

“What are you looking at?” she asked suddenly, turning her eyes toward me.

“Um ... What?”

“Were you just checking me out?”

“Julie!” I cried. “I ... I’m not going to answer that either!”

“You were!”

“No, come on! It was more like ... noticing you. That you’re in really good shape. That’s all. You said, like, you’ve been swimming. And, yeah ... you, uh, it shows,” I sputtered.

Julie giggled. “Relax, I’m just giving you a hard time.”

“Clearly. But I wasn’t checking you out. I swear!”

“It’s fine, Matt!” she cried. “I really was just teasing you. I know you’re not some creepy perv.”

I sniffed. “I’m glad you don’t think so.”

Julie eyed me. “You seem ... like you don’t believe that?”

I shrugged evasively. “I don’t know. Maybe it is pervy to look at a friend and say she looks good. I’m sorry.”

“You’re not just some friend, though. And I know where your heart is.”

“Still, I’m sorry. Really. I wasn’t checking you out in that way.”

“I know ... Because those days are over.”

I stared at her, and she held my gaze.

“They are over,” I agreed. “But now I’m sorry for making this weird.”

She shook her head. “Oh, Matt ... You’re too funny sometimes.”

“What?”

“I just wonder what life would be like if I hadn’t been so stupid last year.”

I sighed and rolled onto my back, staring at the sky. “That’s a tough call to bring up, Julie.”

“I know. But it’s always been hard to let that go. There’s still days when I get so mad at myself.”

“We really shouldn’t be talking about this.”

“Why not?” she asked.

“I’m with Heather now, you know? I shouldn’t talk about what might’ve been between us. What feelings we’d have for each other, if things had gone differently. It’s not fair to any of us.”

“But that’s not what I mean, Matt. Not at all. Really, you need to believe me,” she pleaded. “It’s just that...”

I turned my head to look at her, lying in the sand next to me. “What?”

She shook her head and looked away. “Oh, never mind. You’re right ... Best to be quiet.”

“Come on, what do you mean?” I pressed, despite my own advice.

She contemplated for a time, her mood shifting. “What I mean is that, I’m really sorry for what I did to you.”

I groaned. “Julie, you’ve apologized a bunch of times.”

“But I still—”

“And I forgive you, a hundred percent!” I continued. “Seriously, I do! I mean that, Julie, I don’t think anything bad of you. In fact ... Ah, fuck it, you know what? Now that we’re on this topic, I have something I need to tell you.”

She looked at me, her eyes narrowing. “Tell me?”

“Something that’s been on my mind for months ... But maybe it’s just time to come out and say it.”

I rolled onto my side, and then I sat up to face the ocean instead. I couldn’t look into those brown eyes, not just now. This sudden surge of feeling was an old thing, something my subconscious had been working out, and the events of recent days had oddly brought it to the surface, a forgotten bobber from my past, released from some dysfunctional submerged trap. But here it was, now, along with so many other things. ‘Tell someone... ‘

“I need to apologize to you,” I said softly.

Julie was silent for a time. “To me? Why?” she finally murmured.

“Back when we tried to do the long-distance thing, and everything went south, I blamed you for a lot of things. For everything, honestly, and—”

“And you were right to blame me,” Julie interrupted. “I was the one who messed up.”

“Yeah, we’ve covered that, too many times. So hear me out. What I need to tell you is that I didn’t realize until recently how hard it must’ve been for you to live with what you did ... I blamed you, and even the next summer when you tried to make things right, when we came back, I didn’t really understand how much you were still hurt about what happened. I can’t imagine how hard it must’ve been for you to watch me get together with Heather, right after we ... Well, you know ... And even right now, hearing you bring it up again...”

“Matt...” she said, her voice cracking.

“I’m so sorry, Julie, that you had to go through that. I was so selfish, when I found out. All I cared about was me. If I’d been a good person, I would’ve also been thinking of you. Because when you care about someone, you help them, no matter what, even if they mess up ... I failed you so bad, Julie. So bad.”

“But it was all my fault,” she moaned, through her quiet crying. “I was the one who cheated. You’re not supposed to care about a person who cheats on you!”

“Sure, that’s what people say. I’m sure that’s what I’m supposed to do. That, and everything else society tells me I’m allowed or not allowed to do. But you know what? Fuck that. Because maybe if we didn’t listen to that advice, the world would be a better place, just a little. We all mess up. I fucked up a lot of things last year. And those people all still cared about me, even after I screwed them. But me ... I didn’t do right by you, after you sent me that letter. No, I was a shitty friend, Julie. And I’m so sorry for that.”

She was sitting at my side now and her arm wrapped itself around my shoulders. As she leaned her head on me, she shivered.

“You’re too hard on yourself, Matt,” she murmured. “You’re forgetting that you gave me a chance, last summer.”

“No, I remember everything, trust me. And I’m not telling you this because it changes anything now. I’m insanely in love with Heather, and I know I can tell you that because you already know it’s true, and I’m guessing it can’t hurt you any more than it already has, to hear that.”

Julie murmured softly.

I leaned against her and continued. “But there is another life out there, where if I’d been better, you and me wouldn’t be sitting here reliving old hurts, but maybe doing something else instead. That’s all I’m saying, Julie, even though like I said, maybe I shouldn’t be saying that. It’s in the past, and it’ll never be anything, but just like you’re mad at yourself for what you did, I still get mad at myself for what I did, and for what I didn’t. And I just wanted you to know that ... So yeah ... There it is.”

Julie was silent for a long time as I finished my rant. I found that I was breathing as hard as I’d been after emerging from our swim.

“I’m sorry,” I added, more quietly. “I got a little carried away just now. I hope I didn’t wig you out. I just want you to know that I will always care for you. We both were younger back then, we both messed stuff up, but I will always care for you.”

“Matt...” she gasped, as she pressed her face into my neck.

“What?”

“I ... I’m—”

But whatever she wanted to say, she couldn’t talk any more. I pulled her into an embrace, full of sudden and fierce love for this girl, even though we’d hurt each other long ago. She was on a different path, but we’d always be connected based on what we’d once shared, I knew that. And I wanted her to know it and hear it from me too, for some reason. Well, no, I knew the reason quite well: she was buried up in the mountains now, at peace. Life changed too quickly to leave certain things unsaid.

Far too quickly.

“So how are you today?”

Heather let out a long breath as she stared out over the water behind my aunt’s house. “I’m doing okay. It was good to go to work and keep up a normal routine. The market was super busy, so it kept me distracted. I’m sorry I got here so late.”

“It’s okay ... I missed you, but I know you have to cover things over there.”

She nodded, squeezing even closer against me on the back steps of the porch.

“Are you going to tell Frej?” I asked.

“I don’t think so.”

“I wonder how he’d feel.”

“Uncomfortable that the secret is out,” she replied.

“Yeah, probably. But also, I think he’d feel very proud to have you as his daughter. Well, I know he already does, but I mean openly.”

“I don’t know. He also seems comfortable where he’s at. But the main reason I don’t want to tell him is because of what you said yesterday.”

I laughed as she eyed me expectantly. “Yesterday was endless, and we said a lot of things. You have to give me something more than that.”

“About how your parents have known for months. How would it change things if Frej finds out that I know? I could see him stepping back from your moms, worried about what it would mean for everything.”

“Hmm ... I guess that’s true.”

“And I don’t want that. I don’t want to ruin that for them ... Plus I have no idea what my parents feel about it. So I’m not going to say anything. Not for now, anyway. And that’s okay. Things change, but life goes on, you know?”

I sniffed. “You sound like Dr. K.”

“Who?”

“My principal.”

Heather giggled as she recalled the man. “Oh, yeah ... How is he doing?”