Chapter 28: Burning Heart

Lara responded so sweetly when I asked if she could entertain the twins, that I took her into a surprisingly hard hug. We were alone in my room, so I made no effort to hold back.

“Easy there, bro,” she warned, even as she returned the tight embrace.

“I’m so sorry about the underwater thing,” I breathed. “I still feel terrible about it.”

“No sweat. I know you didn’t do it on purpose, because you hate doing laundry. And now you’re stuck doing it every day!”

I laughed. “True. But it’s the folding part that I hate, so it’s no big deal when you’re only washing like four things.”

She smirked. “All right, true enough. So, what’s your plan for tonight then? Nothing too strenuous, I hope? Heather seems so run down since we got here. But okay, she must’ve put so much fricking time into those photos. That was insane.”

“Yeah, it’s been a huge workload. I mean, you saw Tommy’s filters and everything she did for that. So multiply that by five, and add the portraits plus the matting and framing and driving them over, and whatever else ... I’m still not sure she doesn’t have some secret helper.”

“Or an identical twin...” Lara started off, a grin blossoming. “Wouldn’t that be funny, if there were two Heathers this whole time?”

I laughed with her, even as I contemplated the idea of two of them unleashed in the world ... Working in concert ... My head would spin clean off...

“I think that the world would soon come to an end,” I joked.

Lara slapped my chest. “Okay, get out of here, before she falls asleep on you. And have fun. Is your kissing ban up yet?”

“Technically tomorrow, but I’m not sure I can wait that long.”

She nodded, though for a moment her face flashed through an expression of sadness.

“Oh, sorry,” I muttered. “I didn’t mean—”

“Shh...” she interrupted. “No need for that, remember? Go and be with Heather. Seriously.”

I nodded. “Okay ... You’re the best, Lara,” I murmured. “I love you.”

“I love you too. And have a great time, okay?”

We pulled apart and she left my room, leaving me with the echo of her smile, something I was glad to hold onto.

I grabbed my warmer layers and collected Heather from the porch. In another minute we were ambling along the road toward the pier. Her pace was slow, but I figured we’d still make it there for the best of the sunset as we’d planned.

“Dinner was good,” I said, trying to keep things light.

“Yeah, it was,” she replied softly.

“Muireann’s so funny ... After asking the waitress what’s good, she goes and orders something totally different.”

I was trying to lift the mood as much for my benefit as hers, because Frej was still advising me insistently in my head. Although it wasn’t really just Frej anymore. It was everything, slowly crawling out into the illumination of conscious thought. My holds weren’t working like they should, and even speaking of the meal was too much of a distraction from trying to stay calm. On we walked, in silence, each seemingly oppressed by the loud voices in our heads. Or maybe she was just tired.

I huffed quietly, feeling the familiar uneasy knot in my stomach tighten up. Why this again? I’m out with Heather, alone. There’s nothing else in the universe right now ... I don’t have to keep thinking about this old stuff!

In time, we reached the pier and settled onto the benches in the gazebo. It was none too soon, because I was having trouble walking by then.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Well, I knew, of course. How could I not, when even Carmen was in my head now, calling to me, yelling at me? I’d been planning to follow Frej’s advice, but not this week. Certainly not tonight. But I couldn’t shake the feelings that were seeping out into my brain. Something had ruptured, and fear, shame, and regret were building up again, a mixture that was affecting my body directly. The antibiotics had likely worked their protection against the fatal bugs that may or may not have tried to invade me, but the drug had done nothing for the mortal memories that continued to proliferate.

I tried to take some breaths, steadying myself ... But it wasn’t working.

“Are you okay?” Heather asked, as she noticed my panic, perhaps mirroring her own struggles with similar feelings.

“I’m just ... feeling a bit off.”

“Getting sick?”

I felt a twinge at the slight edge in her voice. “No, just ... off. My stomach ... It’s feeling a bit ... tight.”

Heather seemed even more concerned now. “What is it? Do you need to go home? Should I go for help?”

“No, no, I’ll, um ... I’ll be okay, I think. Give me a minute.”

“When did this start? Dinner?”

I sniffed, even as I realized that my evening was going to be toast if I didn’t say something, and soon. This had crept up on me too quickly and now I was caught in its surprisingly powerful grip.

Tell someone ... Tell someone!

“Dinner ... No, not really. It’s um ... It’s actually been building up for a week. It’s not my stomach, really.”

Heather quickly moved before me, studying me closely. I looked in her eyes but had to immediately break it off, since a wave of emotion flooded me.

“Something’s wrong,” she whispered, still probing me. “I can see it in your eyes.”

I nodded.

She gave my arms a squeeze. “You can tell me if you want ... Anything.”

I struggled mightily for a long moment, the roar in my ears outdoing that of the waves around us. “I don’t know if I can,” I managed.

“Why not?”

“It’s just ... too...”

“Matt,” she said, her voice strangely smooth as it cut across the jagged distortions that skittered inside me.

I forced myself to look at her. She held our gaze, caressing my face. She was suddenly awake and very present, almost oddly so considering her recent depleted state.

“Everything will be okay,” she cooed, an otherworldly sound. “Just let me hear it...”

Abruptly something seemed to detach, and the discomfort began to lessen. She pressed even closer to me, her presence almost palpable. In another minute the strongest part of disorientation faded enough that I could recognize my surroundings once again. The pier ... We’re in the gazebo...

I let out a long breath and she at last relaxed her hold on me. I sat back against the rail.

Tell someone...

“Tell me,” she whispered calmly.

“Okay ... I’ll try,” I muttered. “Where to begin...”

“Anywhere. Just know I’m listening.”

I took another unsteady breath. “I don’t know if, um ... If I’ve ever told you about Carmen.”

“The girl who died last week?” she asked gently.

“Yeah,” I breathed. “Stuff from before the twins came.”

“I don’t remember you saying anything about her before, but maybe. What is it?”

I swallowed hard. “About a year ago ... I kind of went out with her for a bit.”

“Oh no...” Heather cried softly, squeezing me close. “Oh no ... I didn’t know that! I’m so sorry, Matt... ! You didn’t say you were that close, when you told me what happened to her.”

“I know ... I didn’t tell you, because ... Well, I don’t know why. But I’m struggling with it. Like, really struggling with it. Not just that she’s gone. Other stuff too ... From when we were together.”

“Tell me what you’re feeling. Whatever it is.”

“I’m afraid to.”

“Why? You can trust me, a hundred percent.”

“But it’s ... so shameful,” I cried. “You’re never going to want to see me again!”

Heather let out a moan. “Oh, I’m not going to judge you! There’s almost nothing you can tell me that would make me think of not wanting to see you again.”

“How do you know? It’s not a good thing. At all...”

“I know the real you, Matt. Whatever happened, whoever you were back then, it’s not who you are now. The only Matt that matters to me is the one that’s here right now. Not even the one from a few hours ago in the park, as much as I liked that Matt too. It’s just you, just right now.”

I nodded, and finally allowed myself to look into her eyes. The beautiful vision lasted but a second, before it became a watery blur.

“Let it out, Matt. Just let it out. I love you, no matter what...”

I let it out, that was for sure. It was a completely foreign moment, breaking down like that in front of Heather. She, who was usually a rock, even if this week was not treating her well ... I suddenly remembered Heather getting incredibly sad and crying the night Pete cheated on Lara. I’d been stunned to see Heather so affected, even if she didn’t make it apparent. Only the eyeliner had given it away. And within minutes she was already formulating a rescue plan for my sister, before the ruined makeup had even been cleaned from her cheeks.

Now here I was, finding a piece of my life that I’d boxed up and shoved into the basement of my mind, knowing full well that I now had to unpack it all. In front of her... And I had a feeling this was going to take a while. I hope she won’t be scared of what she hears...

After what seemed like an hour, I was able to get control of myself to speak.

“Okay, I’m going to tell you, then,” I muttered, shivering uncontrollably.

She pressed her forehead to mine and closed her eyes. “I’m listening Matt. Don’t hold back. Whatever it is, let me help you carry it.”

Carry it ... On top of everything else, Heather... ? Oh, why today, of all days, does this have to force its way out of me?

I sat back and huffed, staring at the dark ocean for a time. Here goes nothing...

“It was a little after Julie broke up with me. So, winter, I guess. Carmen ... well, she used to go out with my friend Brian. He was always such a prick to her. He made fun of her and didn’t seem to even care about her at all, toward the end of them going out.”

I stood up, as even more forgotten memories started to seep back in. Some were redemptive, like when she’d fallen in the school bus and I helped her up. But others were black. And some of them felt yet unremembered, waiting in the wings to intrude onto the stage of my thoughts. It was these hidden and secretive memories that were scaring the crap out of me. I shivered the thoughts away.

“I guess maybe it actually started when we were at a party in the fall before that,” I amended, my voice thin and halting. “Carmen was still going out with Brian. I think it was a little before they broke up. We were up in the woods and ... It was our first time out to one of those parties for me and my friends, so we were a bit jittery. And someone started calling out ‘Cops!’ so we all split, running into the woods. Somehow, I ended up alone with Carmen, and we got lost.”

“In the forest?” Heather asked, standing close to my side, her arms around me.

“Yeah. We were running for a while and when we stopped, I had no idea how to get back. And it was really cold that night. I was pretty drunk, but she was like, completely trashed ... Like, she could barely walk. For a while I wasn’t sure if we were going to make it out. You know how big the woods are up there. You can walk for miles and miles without finding a road, if you go the wrong way.”

“Damn ... That must have been freaky for you,” Heather murmured.

“Yeah. So Carmen ... She, uh...”

Oh god, she’s dead ... I’ll never see her again...

I swallowed a sob. “She was scared, and cold ... I just remember being so angry with her ... Angry that she couldn’t even understand what I was saying, or help find the way ... And I was such a...”

Heather waited as I tried to force the words out.

“I was being such a jerk to her.”

“She was too drunk to walk, you said?”

“Yeah. She even passed out eventually, after throwing up a few times.”

“Oh no ... That sounds rough.”

“It was really bad. But by complete luck I somehow found my way back to the place where the party was. And it turned out it wasn’t cops, just some stupid kids with flashlights or something.”

“What happened to Carmen?” Heather asked.

“I had to carry her most of the way back because she’d blacked out. It was ... crazy. But eventually she came to when we found the clearing again, and we did get back to Brian’s house.”

Heather nodded, relieved. “I’m glad to hear that at least.”

“Well, it wasn’t pretty, Heather ... I was so angry that night.” I sighed, pacing the floor of the gazebo now. “I was in a bad place. Things with Julie were starting to fade away. I guess I kind of knew by then, that it was over with her, even though her actual letter came after Christmas break...”

God, what a fucked up time...

I took a shuddering breath. “I was in a shit place, and I guess I took it out on Carmen.”

“But you helped her, Matt,” Heather responded gently. “You probably saved her life.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“You said it was cold.”

“It was pretty damn cold. But that’s the thing ... There were a few times when—When I almost—”

I couldn’t say it, watching the forest scene relive itself in my head, over and over. In some versions I left her behind, lying on the ground. The scene zoomed in and out... Stop it...

“Hey ... Maybe you weren’t at your kindest right then, but you did the right thing. Even though you must have been scared and stressed. You can’t beat yourself up over it.”

I sighed. “No, I know ... I wasn’t going to just leave her there, no matter what mood I was in ... But like you told me in the darkroom once, there’s more to the story.”

“Okay, I’m listening. Just tell me everything.”

I took a composing breath, but it did little good. I’d barely started the descent yet. “Fast-forward to winter, then ... My life basically went to hell at that point. Julie sent me that letter admitting to cheating with Brian. The Brian here in Montauk, of course, not my sort-of friend who mistreated Carmen.”

“I’m going to go ahead and guess that none of your kids are going to be named Brian,” she remarked.

I actually chuckled slightly, despite the heavy mood. “No, probably not ... I hope you don’t like that name.”

Heather’s eyes widened and I covered my face as I slowly realized what I’d just said.

What the hell was that?

“I—I’m sorry,” I stammered, waving my hand vaguely. “I don’t know what...”

She pulled me close, smiling at me openly. “I love you so much, Matt...”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Go on.”

Again, I searched my mind, trying to find and piece together the old visions that kept prying at my attention. “Well, you know the next part, how I found out about Lara and Julie being together and all that, right?”

“Yeah, I remember you telling me about it.”

“Okay ... So after that ... After Lara found me outside, dead drunk, I snapped. I didn’t care about anything anymore. I’d lost my girlfriend, sister, everything. I said fuck it, I’m going to have a good time. Stash all that crap away and just party.”

“Understandable.”

“Maybe. But, not good.”

“It usually isn’t.”

“So, yeah, that started. I ignored everything bad and had a good time with my friends, and then I found out Carmen had a crush on me. I guess since the woods thing. Maybe she thought I was ... Oh, I don’t know. I felt bad for her, because Brian was starting to be a dick to her by then. I tried to be nice to her, maybe trying to offset the shit he gave her, just a little...” I picked at one of the pillars of the gazebo, as dark shame continued to cast a longer shadow over my mind. “Yeah ... I actually hated it when Brian would make fun of her, so I tried. I wasn’t into her, though. It was ... like, pity, I guess ... But she took that to mean I liked her.”

I swallowed, as the harder parts were certainly coming up faster than I’d wanted them too. Heather ran a gentle hand along my back as I paused to gather more courage.

“Somehow, Carmen and me ... Somehow, we ended up hooking up, at a party. I don’t even remember how, or why. We were both drunk, because that’s what I was doing then. We were sitting on the couch...” I closed my eyes. “And next thing I knew we were kissing.”

“Did you like her more in that way by then?” Heather asked, ever so gently.

I remained immobile, staring at a distant fishing boat light.

Oh, to be out on the gentle sea, far from the problems of this earth...

“That’s the thing, I didn’t really. Not in the way that I like you. Or even the way I liked Julie. I ... Shit...”

The crying returned. Heather wrapped an arm around me.

“Shh, shh,” she comforted.

“That’s why I feel so bad,” I moaned. “I ... used her. She wanted to hook up, because she actually liked me, so I did, just because I could.”

“You weren’t with Julie anymore ... Maybe you just wanted to have some fun?”

“I don’t even know, Heather. I don’t remember everything from back then anymore. Just the feeling that I didn’t like Carmen in that way ... Of being annoyed that she had a crush on me, because ... I don’t know even why I was annoyed...”

I stared off at the black sea again, dizzy with shame.

“Keep going,” she murmured.

“Keep going,” I echoed quietly. “Okay ... So we hooked up. I guess it was part of who I was, someone who just had fun and didn’t care about anything or anyone. So I let her throw herself at me and I didn’t stop her, even though I knew it wasn’t ever going to be serious. And it was also ... It was just...” I squeezed my fist tight at the new memory. “It was like I was taking revenge against all the time I’d spent waiting for Julie, all for nothing. Months of waiting for her, writing to her, my friends teasing me about how dumb I was to have a girlfriend living hours away ... All of that with Julie, just to later find out she went and—”