Chapter 26: Hard to See

“Hello?”

“Oh hi, Mrs. Martin. How are you?”

“Matt ... It’s me,” Heather said.

I jerked in my chair. “What... ? No way! You said ‘Hello’!”

“I guess I did.”

This must be part of a joke...

“Okay ... Where have you been? We were supposed to talk on Wednesday, remember?”

“What day is it today?” Heather asked.

I was quiet for a second. “It’s Friday? Seriously, is everything all right? You answered weird ... Well, you answered normally, which is weird for you. And you really don’t know what day it is?”

“I’ve ... just been under the weather.”

“Oh no, with what?”

“A cold or something.”

“Aw, I hope you feel better!” I felt a bit of relief that it wasn’t the panic attacks again ... or worse.

“Yeah, me too ... I’m sorry I missed our call. How are you?”

I sighed. “Not great. Something bad happened at school. This girl in my grade got, um ... She got some aggressive infection and she ... and she—”

Damn it... I expected that it would be hard to tell Heather, but two days after the fact I didn’t think I’d still choke up so much that I couldn’t talk.

“Oh god, Matt ... Are you saying she died?”

“Yeah,” I managed.

“Oh no!” Heather cried, her voice suddenly coming alive after her lethargic greeting. “That’s terrible... ! When did this happen?”

“We found out Wednesday morning.”

“Wednesday...” she repeated, her voice haunted. “And I didn’t answer your calls ... Oh, I’m so sorry, Matt!”

“No, it’s okay. I did try calling, but honestly, I probably would’ve been useless on the phone. It was a really hard day. And it’s still tough.”

“Of course, of course ... Did you know her well?”

“She was—” I tried to control myself again. “She was the girl who hung out with me and Tommy in study hall ... The one who was taking him outside for the gymnastic lessons, and—”

“Oh my god...” Heather cried, her voice further ringing with distress as she realized how close this had hit. Far closer than she even knows, really...

“Yeah, so it’s—it’s been a shock to him too,” I stammered. “All of us, really.”

I relayed the details of Carmen’s passing as best I could, finding myself unable to discuss my earlier history with her. My throat just wouldn’t allow it.

“So to be safe,” I added, “since we did hang out with her the week before this happened, Tommy and me are on antibiotics. There’s basically zero chance that we’ll get what she had, since we weren’t even touching her or anything. But they’d rather be safe.”

“Makes sense,” Heather breathed, her voice becoming distant again.

“There’s a memorial for her tomorrow afternoon,” I said. “Tommy especially wants to go to it, so we’re going to drive down there on Sunday instead. I’m sorry that we’ll be down there a day later than we thought, but...”

“No, of course, Matt. Do what you need to. This is way more important. Jeez, I still can’t believe it. Crazy how sudden it was. You were just saying last week how he still wanted to keep learning some moves from her after the show.”

“Yeah, and now this. There was no warning. We were—” I shivered and forced myself to push the memories of Carmen aside so I could compose myself a bit. “Anyway ... We’re getting by, but obviously everyone’s pretty down.”

“Understandable. Wow...”

“So how are you doing?”

“Oh, just, uh ... getting ready for your visit.”

“Excited, hopefully?” I managed to ask.

Heather sighed. “Of course, Matt. I’m just a little out of it, so I’m sorry if I’m not sounding like it.”

“That’s fine, I’m not exactly in the highest spirits myself. But I’m dying to see you.”

“I hope not.”

“What? Oh, shit...” I muttered. “Not the best choice of words. Really, though, I’ll be okay. They said if you don’t feel any symptoms within a few days of taking this stuff, you have nothing to worry about. And all of us feel fine.”

“I am glad to hear that, at least.”

I sighed. “There is some bad news though.”

“What’s that?”

“We’re not supposed to share drinks or anything like that for the week we’re on this stuff. Just in case.”

“Oh ... Oh no! Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

“Yeah, unfortunately.”

Heather huffed. “That makes me sad.”

“Hey, we can do other things besides kiss, you know. And think about the build up...”

“Yeah, that’s true,” she replied quietly.

I expected Heather to have already come up with some sort of game to make out of this unfortunate restriction, but clearly her cold was worse than she let on. And my own voice was surely too depressed to stimulate anything of that sort from her.

“Look, you sound beat,” I said. “I’ll let you go, so you can rest and get better. We’re all excited to be coming down, even with what happened.”

“Us too, Matt. I’ll see you tomorrow—I mean, Sunday.”

“Yeah ... And that’s in two days, right?” I teased.

Heather let out a small laugh. “Yes, thank you. I’ll try to remember.”

After we said goodbye and I hung up the phone, I slumped back in my chair. Hopefully Heather wouldn’t be too sick when we got there. Then again, if she had to be sick, better during the first half when the kissing was to be avoided anyway. Maybe everything’s working out after all... In its usual twisted way.

The days since Carmen’s passing had been rather dazed. Life did go on, as Dr. Kendall had promised us all, but everything was muted, as if the volume had been turned down on life. Little mindless tasks were both suddenly very apparent and yet easily ignored, and it seemed a little harder to do them without messing up.

Tommy wasn’t one to talk about his feelings, so he appeared to be taking the longest to release his immediate grief. He spent hours up at our swimming hole, just sitting and staring. Carmen’s efforts to get him to learn some tumbling had clearly earned her a spot in his heart. Whether he’d felt anything more for her, I still had no idea, but it didn’t matter. Not anymore ... Everything had been forced to stop in midstream.

Life was paused in a sense, but not in the way Heather and I joked about. Although the sting of the band battle was overwhelmed by the loss of Carmen, none of us had interest in pulling out our instruments after the debacle. Our teachers had been compassionate and assigned very little homework over the break; ironically this left us with little to do as we spent Friday evening and Saturday morning mostly waiting for Carmen’s memorial service. Even Tommy voiced his wish for some distraction, but none was to be found save for quiet walks.

The service itself was difficult. Tommy was deeply and openly affected at the gathering, causing my own sadness to be amplified, seeing him so. And I was struggling mightily with my own memories. Eventually I had to shut them away, as they threatened to overwhelm me. Carmen was gone, and there was nothing to be done about the past. Dwelling on our meaningless fling was pointless and irrational now. So much had changed since then, and at least I’d been a good enough person not to push her away when she’d first sat with Tommy and me in study hall this term. Everything since then, well, it was the stuff of everyday life, until random chance struck, so cruelly. It took some effort, but with each passing day it became a little easier for me to avoid thinking of things that could no longer be changed. Perhaps I found this success because I’d practiced stuffing things away, once before. That was different, though...

There was a certain sense of relief when we piled into the cars on Sunday morning. We got an early enough start that the dawn was still dim. We’d be escaping the mountains for the first extended length of time since the twins had arrived, and it would make for a good change of pace, especially for Tommy.

I figured I’d be riding with him and Melissa, since that was the habit when we went anywhere as a family. But when we took to the vehicles, the twins had swapped cars.

“Well, hello!” Melissa chimed, when she sat in the driver’s seat and looked in the rearview mirror. “You’re not Tommy. Change of scenery?”

“Aye,” Muireann replied. “Tommy has a new song he’s writing, and he’d like Lara’s help. It seemed a good thing to let them have the time, since we’ll be too busy down at the seaside.”

“Well, it won’t be so busy that they can’t write a song there. But I’m happy to have you in my car today!”

I wasn’t sure if my mom was hoping for five hours of intriguing conversation, but that wasn’t going to be the case. The tragic shadow that remained over us led to a rather quiet car ride. That’s not to say Muireann and I didn’t communicate, though. Besides the infrequent small talk that peppered the journey, she surprised me when she pulled out a small notebook from the rucksack at her feet and set it between us. Opening it to a blank page, she took out a pencil and wrote.

I want to tell you something. I haven’t been able to find the right moment, with everyone around, and feeling so down. But I have to tell you, I’m feeling terrible about the time when Tommy had his fall. I feel doubly poor now because of what’s happened to Carmen.

I gave her a sad smile as I took the pencil from her. It was awkward to write from my side of the car, so I put the notebook in my lap.

I don’t remember you talking to her about it. Did you say something to her?

Muireann swallowed as she wrote.

No. But I

She paused for a while, looking out the window.

No. But I thought some things about her that I now wish I hadn’t.

I reached over and caressed her arm as she gave me a meaningful look. Welcome to the club, Muireann, I thought, as I took up the pencil.

Don’t beat yourself up. Tommy’s fall was just an accident. It seems so minor, now, after everything. So don’t be sad about it.

Muireann took the notebook back.

But that’s why I am sad. His ankle was a small thing, in the end. I don’t like being a bad person.

I sighed and wrote:

Don’t say that! You’re amazing, Muireann, and no one would blame you for feeling upset that Tommy got hurt. I think even Carmen would’ve understood, honestly. She was a kind person, and Tommy and her got along well. She really felt bad when he fell and helped him as much as she could. Tommy and I were even talking about inviting her over after this trip, to hang out. I think you would have liked her, don’t feel bad. And sorry this is long!

She took a moment to read my reply, and then smiled gratefully at me.

Thank you. I’m glad you’re not upset at me for telling you this. It’s been eating at me since we found out what happened.

I took the notebook back once more.

I totally get that. I’m not upset at all. Also, my mom has noticed us. We might have to say we’re writing a song too!

Muireann laughed slightly, and I caught my mom glancing at us again in the rearview.

“I feel like I’m being talked about. Or I should say ... written about?”

Muireann put her hand to her mouth.

“Wow, you’re good, Mom!” I said. “I literally just wrote down that you noticed us!”

“They put these mirrors in cars for a reason, you know,” she quipped. “But that’s okay, I won’t pry in your secrets.”

“We were just talking about Tommy and Carmen,” I said. “Nothing weird.”

“I said I wouldn’t pry, Matt. Carry on.”

Muireann closed the notebook and put it away, giving me a small smile.

“The two of them got along well in study hall,” I continued.

“I’m glad but also sad to hear that,” my mom said.

“Yeah ... Hey, look out your window,” I said to Muireann. “First chance to see the water, coming up.”

We passed over the canal that marked the entrance to the Hamptons. It was only the briefest of views, but still exciting every time I saw it. Most of the way there!

“So different than the mountains,” Muireann said.

“Yeah, definitely. We’re about an hour away now.”

“You must be very excited to see Heather again,” she said quietly.

“I am.”

“How did you and her meet?” she asked.

I glanced at the mirror and happened to meet Melissa’s eyes.

“Hmm ... There’s a long and funny story,” I said. “And kind of ridiculous, actually.”

“Yes, indeed,” Melissa agreed. “For a few days, Heather was known as the mystery guitar player.”

I gaped at her. “What are you talking about?”

“Before you told anyone about who your real fishing partner was.”

The memory started coming back. “Oh, that!” I sniffed, turning to Muireann. “I told Lara one morning I was going out to meet a guitar player, yeah, because I didn’t have the time to explain myself. But Mom, you make it sound like Aunt Beth and you were all gossiping about it!”

“Well, we were!”

I rolled my eyes at Muireann, shaking my head.

“What do you think we talk about on the porch?” Melissa added.

“The weather?” I replied, my voice inflating with hope.

Melissa pierced that bubble with a sharp laugh. “If you took the time to hang out and listen one day, you might learn a great deal.”

“Oh, sure...” I drawled. “Anyway, how did I meet Heather... ? Well, it was kind of Lara’s doing, in a way! The summer before last we came down here for a few weeks. We got in pretty late, and the next morning, Lara and her friend Julie started blasting some annoying music and woke me up. So I grabbed my fishing stuff and headed out...”

As it turned out, I suddenly got in a talkative mood as recollections of my first interactions with the— The pier girl! Yeah, the memories started flooding back in easily and rose quickly to my lips. I suppose some of Muireann’s storytelling skills were rubbing off on me, just a little, because I made an adventure out of our early fishing exploits and the name game. I could tell Muireann was enjoying the tale and even I was surprised with the life that it took on. It was just a girl and a guy meeting, yet it almost seemed like fantasy as I voiced it. I particularly milked the drama of the departure of the nameless girl.

“So she walked off and left me standing there with my fishing license that she’d stolen. That’s how she’d found my name!”

“Oh, that sounds just like her! But she didn’t actually leave, of course,” Muireann said, sure that I was joking. Or, rather, she was sure that Heather had been joking that day.

“Oh, no, she left,” I countered. “I didn’t see her again for a year.”

Muireann’s mouth dropped open. “For a year... ? And she never told you her name?”

I just had to grin.

My mom, who only knew bits and pieces of all this, was also pleased. Every time I caught her glance in the mirror, her eyes carried just a little more tender amusement in them. And why not? With the passing of time and the lessening of awkward embarrassment at the weirder situations, there was something comforting about the way things had worked out. She had to appreciate that Heather and I had made something of that first spark and grown it into an intense flame, even with distance and time constantly fighting against us.

Of course, for the story to make sense, I had to tell about Julie – a very tame version of it, at least – and I touched on the pain of losing her. Then excitement mounted again as I rambled through the eventual discovery of the license, and on to the summer when it finally all came together. Muireann, I could tell, was as riveted as I was whenever she told us some tale from ancient Eire.

On laying it all out, I realized what a long way we’d come, Heather and I. Those uncertain early days, back when I was a doofus who could barely think in her presence, they had given way to, well ... basically the same thing! But seriously, much had changed since then: For one, I knew her name now; and ... um ... I once managed to get ahead in the fishing score for a few minutes, and...

“Anyway, so there you have it,” I said, my voice a bit hoarse from all the talking and joking around. The hour drive from the canal to my aunt’s was drawing to a close.

“That’s such a wonderful story,” Muireann gushed, giving me a huge grin.

“It is,” my mom agreed. “Thank you, Matt. Even I feel like I know Heather a little more now. And also you, to be honest.”

“Cool. Sorry I went on a bit, but lucky for you we’re almost there. And if I run off kind of quick when we get there,” I confided to Muireann, “don’t take it the wrong way. Whenever I first get to Montauk, I meet Heather at the pier. Just seems to be the way things go!”

“That is so sweet,” Muireann said, patting my arm. “You go ahead. I’m sure Lara won’t mind carrying all your things inside!” she teased.

We were mere minutes away now. I was completely awash in warm reminiscence, and glad for it. Better than the other memories that keep trying to creep out of their holes...

The penultimate curve was rounded, and then a short straight, and the last bend ... Melissa pulled into the driveway and a moment later Sarah parked beside her.

“It seems you’ll not be needing to go to the pier after all,” Muireann murmured, smiling and waving as she looked through the windshield.

I followed her gaze and was surprised to see Heather coming down the front steps. As everyone started piling out of the car, I suddenly felt a bit deflated. I was ecstatic to see her, but the unexpected sight of her here, at my aunt’s, in front of everyone ... I fumbled with the door lock for far too long.

Get a grip, Matt. I took a breath as she approached. She came here because it’s much more polite than having me steal away to the pier, doofus.

Finally I managed to exit the vehicle and rushed to give Heather a hug.

“What, did they set the child lock on you?” she joked.

The humor in her voice acted to settle my nerves a bit.

“No ... I’m just surprised to see you here,” I whispered.

“Why? I live in Montauk,” she said simply.

I laughed gently and gave up. I had her in my arms, and for now that was all that mattered.

The evening was not quite what I expected either. For whatever reason, I felt a growing sense of unsettlement. The whirlwind of arriving and greeting and chatting and showing and everything was cacophonous, beyond what I could handle. By the time the twelve of us were sitting for the laid-back Easter dinner, I was in a daze. It was all fine and normal on the surface ... The food was tasty, the stories lively enough, even with Carmen still clouding our mood, Tommy’s especially ... But I valued that first pier meet-up even more than I realized, and to not have had it was suddenly getting to me. I longed to be alone with her, even if that would be bittersweet. Nominally, I wasn’t supposed to be kissing anyone for three more days. The torture! For her part, she appeared to be recovered from her cold, although her mood was certainly not as energetic as usual.

After dessert was in our stomachs, the five of us kids excused ourselves to take a night walk on the beach. Lara led the twins out the back porch door while Heather used the bathroom. I waited in the kitchen, barely listening to the adults converse. Maybe Heather and me can sneak away on the beach... Surely Lara would understand and show the twins around for a bit.

Heather returned and gave my arm a squeeze. “Ready?”

“Sure.”

Melissa held her hand out to us as we approached.

“Heather, I’ve been meaning to ask you. How are things going with the photos you’re showing at the vision place?”

Heather gave a vague gesture. “The ones I’ve done so far are up on display. Six sets, and some larger single prints.”

“Oh, then we have to go see them!” Sarah said with enthusiasm.

Sounds of agreement went around the table, along with potential days of the week where we might do so, how far the place was, and so forth.