Chapter 24: The Regrets of a Fool

Carmen was disappointed but seemed understanding when I called her to let her know that we didn’t have room for her after all. It was a bit strange to talk to her on the phone, something that I didn’t think I’d ever done before. Odd, considering we were together for a while. Then again, this fact was testament to how messed up that time had been for me.

Saturday evening arrived, and it was not without some anxiety that we packed the gear into Colin and Shannon’s vehicles. While my moms wished us luck and bade us stay safe, I excused myself. Rushing to my room, I picked up the phone and dialed that ever-familiar number, not quite the one for a certain diner.

“Good luck, my love!” came the answer.

“Hey, thanks,” I replied, feeling even more soothed than I’d hoped. “We’re about to leave, but I just wanted to say hi, and hear your voice. Feeling a bit nervous. A lot nervous, actually.”

“That’s okay. Feel nervous. But you can still go down there and have fun, play your best, and enjoy every second. So do it, and I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Now go and kick some butt!”

“You’re the best, Heather.”

Once I’d hung up, I felt more settled. Partly because talking to her always helped, but also because now I knew I wouldn’t have to spend the evening wondering if Heather was going to pop out at Jonah’s and surprise me. Not that I wouldn’t want that, but the uncertainty of it would have been a challenge to deal with on top of everything else that clawed at me. Even if she was jumping in the car that very moment, she’d still not be able to reach Jonah’s in time for the battle.

Then again, it’s Heather ... Maybe she changed her number so that it would ring at the Castle...

I laughed and swept away the idiocy of that thought as I headed back outside. I soon settled into the back of the Camaro with Lara and Muireann and we set off, Alice taking shotgun. Tommy was riding with Colin in the Jeep. The girls’ small talk kept me distracted and calm for a bit, but with each passing mile, I again started feeling a little more apprehensive about what I’d gotten us into. Of the eight of us, only half of us had been to Jonah’s and had an idea of what to expect.

Colin, I wasn’t too worried about, sure that he’d been to his share of wild parties as a senior. And besides, Shannon probably had told him all about her experiences at Jonah’s anyway. Gwen would hopefully tolerate the craziness, even if there was always the possibility she might snap at someone. I flashed back to a memory of some drunk dude trying to play Carl’s drums after one of our shows at the Castle, and desperately hoped that said dude would be staying home for this show. Last thing we need is for Gwen to get in a fight with someone...

The twins, however ... I got the distinct impression that they’d never been to anything remotely as hedonistic as Jonah’s would be. I wondered how they’d handle it. Would Tommy’s vision be an issue? Would Muireann approve of the scene? I had growing doubts.

Carmen... I desperately hoped that Pete hadn’t invited her down, and that she was far away at her reunion thing. It was probably a solid bet that he hadn’t, but maybe Carmen had decided to surprise us. Well, surprise Tommy, or whatever.

Riding on top of all that worry was everything else. How was Lara going to react to being there again, with Pete in the room no less? And how was the battle itself going to go? Did we have a shot at winning? I knew all six of us were keen to do so, and we were sounding really good back home ... but Jonah’s parties were nothing if not unpredictable.

Of course, there was Jonah himself. A few days ago, he’d given me a quick call to make sure we were on. It was an innocuous check up, but it got me thinking about his motives. Why had he been so intent to get us to face off against The Nameless? He’d known about our failure at the audition and used that little pressure point to convince us to join the fray. Something was a little fishy about it all.

Once we arrived at the Castle, I sat up and took in the scene as we pulled through the old stone gateway. I realized that this was no small event. The lot was already filling up, despite it being a few hours until the show began. We caught sight of Jonah discussing something with a tall guy who I vaguely remembered seeing around the place, the previous time we’d played.

After Shannon pulled into one of the spaces that Jonah had saved for the bands, she, Lara, and Alice got out. I held Muireann’s arm as she started to slide out, so she sat back into her seat again, looking at me quizzically. I didn’t have long, as Jonah had spotted me and was already sending his roguish grin through the back window, giving me the rock on sign. I held my palm up to him.

“So this place is crazy,” I said.

“Aye, you’ve already warned me.”

“I know. But if it’s too much, you just let me know. I know where the quieter spots are.”

“I’ll be okay,” Muireann replied, squeezing my arm. “But thank you.”

“All right ... Let’s get this over with.”

“And let’s have fun, yeah?”

I sniffed and nodded my head. Then we stepped out.

“Mattman! Welcome back!” Jonah called as he gave me a bear hug. “Oh, this must be your Irish friend. Hi there! I’m Jonah, your crazy host for the evening!”

As I introduced Muireann to him, I got the feeling he wasn’t quite as into Alice as he used to be. I steeled myself for what promised to be a long evening.

Let’s just win this thing...

One relieving factor soon became apparent: Carmen had not come to the party. I’d kept an eye on Pete’s whereabouts while both bands set up in the performance space. If he’d invited her, she surely would’ve been hanging out with him, or rushed over to Tommy when she saw him. Neither of these happened, thankfully.

There was a dangerously electric feeling in the air as the battle approached. About an hour before the start, Jonah had flipped a giant coin to see which band would have the cabin for their green room; ominously, we lost the toss and instead were given a large front parlor. It was a nice space and stocked with everything Jonah always provided his bands, but it was also too close to the rumble of the growing crowd for my comfort. After having a few drinks and reviewing our set, we eventually stepped outside to shed some nerves. That didn’t help though, as we watched endless groups of people continue to flow through the door of the Castle.

Where the hell are all these people going to stand?

“Are you doing all right, Matty?”

I smiled a little at Shannon, the best I could manage. “I don’t know. How do you feel before a big show?”

“Butterflies in the stomach for sure,” she said, grinning.

“Well, I have like fucking pterodactyls in there, then.”

She giggled. “You’ll be great, I know it. You guys have rocked this place before, remember?”

“Yeah, but...”

She caressed my shoulder. “Forget the competition. When I audition for parts, I always do better if I just focus on the dancing, not on whether I’ll get the part I want.”

I nodded. “I know. It’s just that this place is intense. It’s hard as hell to stay calm.”

Shannon moved behind me and squeezed her hands onto my shoulders. The unexpected massage was most welcome. I lowered the top of my coat, allowing her easier access.

“Just relax, Matty.”

I did, because it felt really good. It wasn’t long before we had to get started, but Shannon had bought me a little more time to keep steady.

Jonah came to collect us, and we followed him into the mad maw of the party through the parlor door.

Damn... ! The great room was unbelievable. Completely packed, the energy was outrageous, easily twice what it was back in December at our last show there. People were just about everywhere they could stand, even filling in the side rooms.

“Holy shit!” Lara yelled.

Jonah somehow managed to hear her, despite being ahead of us. “Yeah, nothing like a death match to get people out, huh?”

Death match... ? The six of us soon huddled together on one side of the stage area as Alice and Shannon tried to find a place to stand. I looked over at my old friends. Bruno nodded at me when he caught my eye, but Pete and Carl ignored me.

“All right, all right, all right!” Jonah’s voice burst through the PA system.

The crowd took about twenty seconds to calm down enough for Jonah to feel that he could continue.

“Tonight, for the first time ever at the Castle, we have ... a Battle of the Bands!”

The cheers were deafening.

“Two mighty musical titans are going to go against each other, head to head ... A fight to the death, right here in this arena!”

“Can he get any more dramatic?” Muireann spoke into my ear. I gave her a knowing look.

“And you all are going to pick the winners! You’ll decide who lives, and who dies!”

Again, the crowd roared. None of this hyperbole was serving to squelch my nerves, I had to admit.

“Misses! Come to me!”

A commotion upstairs eventually led to the appearance of Miss Ellie and Miss Emmie. I did a double take, because although I’d wondered if she’d be here, actually seeing her caused a significant jolt in me. Hayley led Alana down the stairs, both of them decked out in the black Goth garb and makeup of the Misses. It took them a while to squeeze through the crowd, and eventually Jonah took their hands and brought them into the band area. Alana gave me a happy grin, and even snuck in a little wave.

I nodded back. Better stay in character, Miss!

Jonah stepped to the mic again. “Damn, you all packed the Castle out! My girls could hardly make it down here!”

The crowd surged with some laughter.

“Now you if you’ve ever been to a show here, you must know Miss Ellie and Miss Emmie. And tonight, they’re here to help with the battle. Help with a bunch of things, in fact! Let’s get to it. Misses, please,” he said, gesturing to the side of the band area, away from where we were waiting

As the two girls made their way to the base of the staircase, Jonah walked over to a light tree and flicked a switch. The colored beams were aimed to where the Misses now stood to either side of a marble pedestal upon which sat a black wooden box. It had two slots on its angled top. Underneath each opening was written our band names in gothic lettering. A giant padlock kept the hasp closed.

“You each got a voting chip when you came in,” Jonah explained, holding an example token aloft. “Over there, where the beautiful Miss Ellie and Emmie are waiting for you, is the voting box. You drop your chip in the slot for the band you think is best. We’ll take care of the rest later and see who wins.”

The crowd gave a cheer and Jonah threw a grin our way before he went on.

“But you’re probably wondering, who are you choosing between? What bands are we going to hear tonight? Well, let me tell you, the Castle doesn’t put up shit music, right?”

“No!” the audience agreed.

“Who was here back in December?” Jonah asked.

A number of people screamed.

“A great band called The Nameless played.”

I was surprised to hear a great mass of cheering at Jonah’s words.

“Fuck yeah, a killer show, yes it was... ! All right, settle down, or this is going to take all night!”

“No sleep! No sleep! No sleep!” started up the familiar chant.

Jonah let them go for a bit before cutting them off.

“So tonight ... Yeah, we ain’t going to sleep, but first we need to hear some music. And yeah, this is the fucking crazy part, so listen up. The Nameless played here in December, and right after that some of them split off to make a new band...”

Split off?

“ ... so tonight, just because we can ... We have them going up against each other!”

Another excited roar erupted.

“Over here,” Jonah called as he gestured our way, “Lara and Matt have their new band with some friends from Ireland, and they’re called Quiet Mile.”

There was some cheering at this announcement.

“But I have a feeling they aren’t going to be that quiet, knowing them ... And on the other side, we have Carl, Pete, and Bruno keeping The Nameless alive and kicking. But guess who’s playing guitar and singing with them this time around?”

The cheers grew with surprising anticipation.

“That’s right, it’s none other than consummate ladies’ man, guitar slinger, keg killer, and Castle regular ... The one and only Skinner!”

I could barely hear Skinner’s name, what with the earth-shaking roar that threatened to blow the twenty-foot tall windows out into the night. Lara and I looked at each other for a long moment, the shock surely evident in my eyes as it was in hers.

‘Castle regular’? Fucking hell ... What have I gotten us into?

A small commotion caught my attention. A group of guys was descending the crowded staircase in an unsteady parade, voting chips in hand and their arms raised high as they chanted, “Skinner, Skinner!” As they reached the bottom, one by one they put their tokens into the slot marked with The Nameless and marched back up the way they’d come. The crowd shamelessly cheered them on.

“Hey now!” Jonah called through the microphone, laughing. But it was hard to hear him now. He cranked up the volume, but it only led to feedback.

“Hey!” he yelled. “Come on, you have to vote after you hear the music!”

“What’s the deal with this fella?” Tommy asked, his voice crackling in my ear.

“He’s crazy. I told you, you never know what’s going to happen at his parties.”

“Naw, I mean the Skinner lad. He seems like a bloody hero to these people.”

“I’m not exactly sure, but I have a bad feeling he lives around here. That, and he brought a bunch of his friends.”

“Aye, lad...”

Jonah continued by explaining the rules. “Now I’m no goddamn mathematician, so I got big Adam here to help me figure out how to run this. Adam, where’re you at? Get up here man!”

The tall guy pushed his way through the crowd, eventually entering the stage area to stand at Jonah’s side. Cheers went up; apparently, he was well-known to the crowd as well. He was certainly not a ham like Jonah, but confident nonetheless. He calmly basked in the moment, then slowly drained the beer from his cup until it was empty.

“So Adam figured this shit out for me,” Jonah continued. “Explain what’s going to go on here, dude.”

Adam crouched a bit to speak into the microphone. “It’s easy, boss. After everyone votes, we’ll add up the chips each band got. Divide that by the total number of chips. Multiply that by the prize money that we’re going to split up. Round to the nearest ten dollars ... And that’s what each band will take home!”

“And how much money is being split with this majestic, magical, mathematical methodical formulation?” Jonah pressed, almost spraining his tongue on the needless poetry. But he just grinned as Adam bellowed out the sum.

“Eight hundred bucks!”

This impressed the audience, and it took a little time for them to settle down again.

“Plus,” Adam added, “the winning band gets a two hundred dollar bonus on top of it all!”

“There you have it. And that’s Adam, people! He was doing algebra in kindergarten, no joke!” Jonah cried. “Make some noise!”

We all looked at each other, both excited and frightened by the increasing stakes. Apparently, Jonah had decided to change the rules a bit since our original phone call. I realized, if Adam was to be understood, that the minimum guarantee was gone, and therefore we’d be at the complete mercy of the crowd. If everyone voted for Skinner, we’d make almost nothing. Given the cheers he’d received upon being introduced, I started thinking that we’d be lucky to pull in a double-digit take. Gwen is going to be so pissed...

“I’m not liking this so far,” Lara said in my ear.

I just gave her a helpless look.

“So you might be asking, do they win anything else, besides some good dough?” Jonah continued. “Well, fuck yeah they do! The winners also get served the rest of the night by Miss Ellie and Miss Emmie!”

The two girls waved at all of us from the voting box they attended to. Alana in particular looked right at me and gave me a smile. It almost seemed ... apologetic.

“Served and catered and waited on, you name it ... And the losers will just have to get their own damn beers after the show! Mix it up with us mortals, you know.”

The crowd laughed.

“And finally, the winning band gets the key to the cabin down the hill, for the night!”

And it looks like we’ll be sleeping in our cars...

“All right, all right, let’s get this show rolling. Coin flip to see who goes first. Who’s going to call it?”

Skinner wasted no time in stepping forward.

“Call it in the air,” Jonah declared. “If you nail it, you guys play first.”

He tossed his voting chip up and the crowd hushed significantly.

“Tails!” Skinner bellowed.

As the silver disc hung in the air, I wasn’t sure what I preferred. Well, truly I would’ve been okay with the coin landing on its edge, and the whole show therefore being called off. The potential for retribution that Jonah had promised me seemed to be slipping away with each passing minute. This circus was nothing like what I’d hoped or imagined.

The coin hit the floor and flopped around like a dying fish until it settled on a choice. A giant cheer went up as Jonah announced, “Tails... ! The Nameless, get ready to fucking rock the Castle!”

I couldn’t take any more of the inflated drama, so after we pushed our amplifiers aside to make room for the other guys, I indicated to my band mates that I was leaving the great room.

“Are we not watching them, lad?” Tommy asked me.

“I don’t want to, so I’m going to wait outside. But you all can stay.”

Only Gwen slipped off into the crowd; the rest of us left behind the roar as we passed through the hallway and out through the side door. The night air was cool, and best of all, quiet.

“Are we allowed down here?” Muireann asked, as I started descending the hillside steps toward Jonah’s cabin.

“Sure,” I replied.

“Your man won’t get mad that we aren’t in our own green room?” Tommy asked as Lara guided him down. I could tell he wasn’t actually worried about it, though.

“Those guys haven’t even come down here yet. Besides, Skinner’s friends are all up there. What the hell would he come to the cabin for? I’d be surprised if they even come down here at all tonight.”

“Especially not if we win!” Lara said, grinning.

“Exactly. So we should just settle into the place, for later,” Colin agreed.

I glanced at them, doing everything I could to swallow the pessimistic words that threatened to spill out of my lips.

Keep it together, man ... Keep it fucking together.

Gwen joined us in the cabin sometime later. We’d been subdued, mostly relying on Shannon and Alice to keep us entertained with random gossip.

“Are we on?” I asked Gwen, from where I was pacing in front of the cold fireplace.

“No. They have a few more songs.”

I glanced at the others, seeing the same hesitation on their faces that I felt. “How are they doing?”

Gwen shrugged. “Their playing is whatever. The crowd is fucking stupid, though. I swear, pretty boy could pick his fucking nose instead of his guitar and the place would scream like a bunch of losers.”

“So you’re saying you liked it,” Alice joked.

Gwen sniffed. “I only stayed past the first song because I was trapped in the crowd.”

“How many songs left, you said?” I asked.

She frowned at me. “How should I know? I wasn’t fucking counting.”

I rose from the couch. “All right. Let me go see where we’re at. I’ll be back.”

I left the cabin and climbed the hill. The pressure in me was at the bursting point, so the fresh air felt good. I reentered the hallway, tentatively making my way along it in the darkness. I could hear the chords of Hotel California cycling around as Skinner played a crazy guitar solo over it.

We should have picked some popular covers ... Instead we have eleven songs that most people will never have heard before...

I paused, seriously considering the idea of leaving. Everything about the event felt backward, now that I was here. All those possibilities that I’d imagined over the past month ... None of them looked like the reality I was currently struggling through. Even imagining us going down in defeat never felt as shitty as this does...

I heard voices on my right, and as I passed the kitchen I was surprised to hear my name.

“Matt? Hey!”

It was the two Misses, and they were sharing a joint in the dark space.

“What’s up!” I called, trying to muster what confidence I could.

“So good to see you!” Alana cried as she jumped up with excitement and gave me a long, tight squeeze.

Hayley did the same a moment later. It was surprisingly intimate.

“Have a smoke,” she offered, after pulling away from me.

I hesitated, but only for a moment. Some relief would be really good right now...

After I took a long drag, I glanced at them. “Aren’t you supposed to be guarding the voting box?”

“We were,” Hayley explained. “But some more people tried to vote early so Jonah put Adam there to keep people away.”

“Like a bouncer,” Alana quipped, laughing as she took the bone from me.

“Sorry you got demoted,” I said.

“Nah, much more fun to chill back here and get stoned,” Hayley said.

“You didn’t want to hear them play?” I asked, thumbing the hallway.

“Not really,” Alana said.

“Might as well turn on the radio station and hear the real versions,” Hayley added.

“Ouch...”

I heard the song come to a close, and the rumble and roar was significant. Clearly the crowd didn’t agree with Hayley, regarding the music.

“So which one of you is Miss Ellie?”

Hayley raised her hand.

“She has seniority over me,” Alana explained. “Jonah is particular about that. Miss Ellie is the top name, then comes Miss Emmie.”

I laughed. “Jonah is so damn organized about the weirdest shit.”

“He definitely is,” Alana agreed, with a hint of fondness for that fact.

I heard The Nameless launch into a rollicking version of Crossroads. I could already imagine that Skinner was going to be wailing through a ten minute guitar solo over the classic riff to end this one, too. Another party song that everyone knows... I shook off the grim thoughts.

“Do you know how many songs they have left?” I asked as I took a second hit. Damn, Jonah’s weed is strong...

“This should be the last one. Which means we probably need to get back in there,” Hayley said. The Misses stood and smoothed their dresses.

“Good luck, Matt,” Hayley offered as she passed by me. The glint in her eye still held an echo of the offer she’d made me back in the fall.

“I’ll be right in,” Alana said to Hayley. As Miss Ellie disappeared, Alana snuffed the joint out and put it behind the faucet.

“I saw where you hid that,” I joked, trying to keep my mind off the energetic music that temporarily flooded the space as Hayley opened the door to the great room.

Alana patted my arm. “And you’re welcome to have it, Matt. Really. I don’t have a purse on me, that’s all. So feel free.”

“Thanks, but I probably won’t get to it.”

She grinned happily at me. “Whatever works. Damn, it’s good to see you! How have you been?”

“Busy as hell. A lot of rehearsing for this thing, mostly, besides school shit.”

“I bet. You look a little worn down, dude. But I can’t fucking wait to hear your band.”

“Better hurry, most of them are on stage right now,” I said, gesturing again.

Alana laughed freely. “Nah, you and Lara made The Nameless what it was. But you know that.”

I shrugged. “Well, I hope our new stuff is good.”

“I know it will be. How’s Heather?” she asked.

“Good, also busy as hell with her own stuff. She’s got some big photo exhibit happening that she’s been working on for a couple months.”

“Wow, like her own show?”

“Yeah, pretty much. I mean, it’s not at some famous museum or anything, but it’s still neat.”

Alana smiled warmly. “Far out. That is so cool. But all right, I better get in there. Like you said, Jonah is particular about some stuff. We’ll catch up later tonight, okay? After the show?”

“Sure. I’m glad you’re here. It’s good to see you.”

“For sure, dude. And hey, I know you’re going to kill it tonight, all right?”

I nodded as she gave me a quick hug, and then I watched her slip down the hallway. After the music grew and faded once more, I was alone, awash in the memories and emotions of everything to do with the Castle. I’d missed Alana, more than I remembered. It was great to see her, yes, but the fact that Alana looked a lot like Heather never helped, because now I was missing my girl like crazy. Oh, how I wished that she’d decided to surprise me after all ... But she was too far away.

Always too damn far. And you never built that bullet train, fool...

I felt rather dazed after my encounter with the Misses. The weed certainly helped on that score, but also the approaching performance became all-consuming. Once the overextended guitar solo – Didn’t I fucking call it? – came to a close and the crowd caused a seismic shaking of the stone structure, I drifted back down to the cabin. I opened the door and stood in the opening, silent, simply gesturing for everyone to start moving. I waited as they filed past me and we returned to the Castle in a loose string, everyone putting on their game faces and trying to settle nerves. It all felt a bit too funereal, but such had been the effect of the disheartening response to Skinner’s popularity. It was like a smothering blanket atop the fire we’d built up over the last month...

Fucking Skinner...

Up ahead, before entering the side door, Lara paused. She leaned a hand on the outer wall.

“Are you all right?”

I did a double take and slowed, as it had been Gwen who’d asked the question.

“Yeah, just feeling a bit ... like a head rush, or something.”

“You got this,” Gwen said quietly, glancing furtively at me as I approached, bringing up the rear.

“I’ll be all right,” Lara murmured. “But damn, this party is crazy. A lot of people in there.”

Gwen turned to me. “Go get ready. We’ll be right in.”

I shrugged and headed inside, leaving the two girls alone. Jonah’s amplified voice echoed through the hallway, muffled and fighting against the noise of restless people. It sounded like we were entering a bullfight arena. The glowing door grew larger and my band mates stepped through, one by one. Jonah was going on about the details again, but I blocked it out. I couldn’t take another word of his.

We took to the stage, moved our amps and got set again. Gwen and Lara soon joined us, but I was in no state to even look at them, let alone ask how they were doing. We tuned our twenty strings, checked some levels, made some preliminary noises, and then I gave Jonah the nod. He said something, but it sounded like static to me, coming from miles away.

Fucking Skinner!

The bandana-wearing bastard was standing right in front of the stage area, but not because he was interested in hearing the competition. His back was toward us and he was carrying on loudly with a large clump of his friends, gesturing wildly as he told some stupid story with his bellowing voice. The light tree was angled in just a way that it put a green wash of illumination on him.

Fucking Skinner...

Jonah’s voice was still unclear. My ears rang as I heard his tone and energy reach a peak. Then he disappeared as the room swelled. Our host pushed through Skinner’s growing gaggle of friends. I realized that we’d been announced, but life was going by rather dazed ... Too dazed.

They’re going to be watching Skinner, not us ... We’re going to lose...

“Matt?” “Are you ready... ?” “Hey, Matt!”

We came here for nothing...

I felt a hand on my arm but didn’t look to see who it was. I was on the verge of setting my guitar down, when a quiet voice spoke clearly, impossibly set apart from the cacophony.

‘Have fun, play your best, and enjoy every second... ‘

Abruptly, the wave of chaos started to recede. The gauzy blockage in my ears melted and I looked around, finding Muireann frowning at me with concern, her hand still on my arm.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

I nodded slowly, letting the sudden transformation continue uninterrupted.

Damn it ... Why let Fucking Skinner ruin my night? I have my own friends here too... ! Fewer of them, sure ... But they far outweighed even a thousand of Skinner’s pals. My friends, and my sister ... I looked at Lara and she gave me an encouraging smile. And even, the person I was missing most of all, she was here after all. No, she hadn’t shown up to surprise me, but she was still with me, as always.