Chapter 22: The Bed That We Made

The week passed slowly and somewhat agonizingly, since Gwen couldn’t rehearse again until the following weekend, and the homework was being laid on thick. I was anxious to make as much progress as we could on the set, which we still hadn’t quite settled on. Certainly as the battle approached, I was imagining more and more how it might turn out, even though I knew that daydreaming about the glories of winning was a dangerous game. Things could turn out so many different ways, surely, but in the end we’d either win or lose. I thought we had a chance, though. Gwen’s addition was a decided upgrade so far, and it would likely be a complete surprise to The Nameless.

Admittedly, the idea of a rivalry with my childhood friends wasn’t easy to get excited about. It was really Skinner – fucking Skinner – that got me worked up enough to want to win the competition. And every time I did feel some sadness at how I’d been cut off from my friends over the holiday break, I realized that things were different these days, regardless of what Pete had done. Brian was no longer dating Elaine, but it seemed that his participation in varsity basketball continued to pull him further away. Whenever we passed the bus on the road lately, the rear seat window was occupied by Pete’s back instead of Brian’s. Little by little, old unions were splintering apart.

On Tuesday in study hall, I decided to let Carmen and Tommy go outside on their own. There was only so much I could watch of them working on his skills before realizing that I was bored out of my mind. I decided to stay in the classroom and make an attempt at finalizing our set list in peace. Once I was settled in my usual spot, I wrote out all the songs we at least partially knew – that weren’t classic rock, of course – and started plotting the different possibilities.

What to start with? What to end with, actually? What will make people—

“What’s that?”

I looked up and found that Pete had wandered in, a bit late. He was taking a seat on the other side of my desk. I shuffled my papers to get a fresh sheet on top so he wouldn’t see the songs.

“Set list,” I admitted.

“Nice. Have you guys been practicing a lot?” he asked.

“Yeah, trying to anyway. You?”

“We spent the whole weekend jamming, pretty much.”

Ugh... I took a look at Pete’s face, trying to see if he might be blustering. It would’ve been a very uncharacteristic thing for him to do, but these days I wasn’t sure who he was anymore, and indeed, I couldn’t read him. He just grinned at me.

“What?” he asked, when I stared too long.

“How is it going ... like, with Skinner?”

“Good. You heard him at the auditions. He can really rip.”

“What songs are you playing?”

Pete chuckled. “Carl said we’re not allowed to tell anyone.”

“Let me guess: especially not Matt,” I scoffed.

Pete shrugged sheepishly but said nothing.

I sat back in my chair. “Bruno told me you’re doing all stuff Skinner wants to play.”

“Well, he’s the singer, so...”

I made a face. “I guess that makes sense.”

“And you guys?” Pete asked, glancing at my notebook. “What are you going to do? Though it looks like you don’t want me to see.”

I hesitated, wondering if Carl had the right idea after all.

“Mostly originals,” I finally replied.

“That’s sweet, man. I can’t wait to hear it.”

I sighed, glancing at the blank page before me. Is he going to hang out all period with me?

“What’s with you guys skipping out on study hall lately?” he asked, his voice quieter as he glanced at the room monitor.

“Oh, Carmen is teaching Tommy how to do some gymnastics outside.”

“Wow ... That’s pretty wild.”

“I guess. But he’s a long way from doing anything cool yet. Maybe come finals he’ll be able to do a real cartwheel.”

“Are they dating or something?”

I eyed him, wondering if he had grown some perceptive skill, or if he was just stating a naïve question.

“No, just friends. Why?”

“Does he know she used to go out with you?”

I sniffed. “Carmen and I never really went out.”

“Come on, I know you and her were fooling around at parties, because I was right there watching you get it on, man.”

Suddenly I started wishing I’d gone outside with Carmen and Tommy.

“Yeah, well that’s all it was,” I replied. “Fooling around. It didn’t mean anything, you know?”

He narrowed his eyes. “I know. Believe me, I get it. I know all about that,” he drawled.

It was my turned to give him a look. “What do you mean by that?”

“Oh, you know...” He shrugged. “Fooling around that doesn’t mean anything. That’s all it was,” he echoed.

“Come on, Pete ... You’re not talking about the redhead, are you?”

“I don’t know, am I?”

“You really think me and Carmen fooling around is the same as you and that girl?”

“It didn’t mean anything.”

“But I wasn’t going out with someone, man!” I said too loudly since I drew some stares. As I peeked at the room monitor, I wondered if now she was wishing I’d gone outside.

“Well, whatever,” he said evenly, leaning in closer. “That shit’s long over, obviously.”

I waved my hand vaguely. “I don’t even know how we got on this topic.”

“Tommy and Carmen,” he reminded.

“Well, they’re out there now. For all I know they are fooling around. Doubt it, but I actually don’t know or even care too much.”

“Do you think ... Carmen likes him?”

I glanced around again and then stood up, gesturing to him. He followed me out of the room and in another minute we were in the courtyard. Some girls were hanging out in one corner so I went to the opposite side, especially since Gwen was in the group. Her disinterested gaze landed on me immediately, but I ignored it.

“Pete, what’s with all the questions? Why are you going on about this?”

Suddenly Pete seemed to be unsure of himself, and for a moment I saw my old friend who could barely get a straight word out around girls. Or even, about girls.

“I was thinking of asking Carmen to the spring dance,” he admitted.

I guess my mouth probably dropped open, because he frowned at me as he turned a little red.

“What?” he said defensively.

“You want to go out with her?”

He shrugged. “She’s nice, you know. Always seems happy and stuff. I was just wondering if you thought ... well, since you hang out with her a lot.”

I paced around, unsure of what to do with this new information.

“Look man,” I began, “I ... don’t ... really know what to tell you. If you want to go with Carmen, then ask her, I guess.”

“But what if she’s into Tommy?”

“Then she’ll say no?”

He sighed. “I guess I was just trying to see if you knew, so I didn’t, you know ... end up looking stupid.”

I relented a bit and took a breath. “I’m sorry, but honestly, I really don’t know if there’s anything there. But do you even talk to Carmen? I mean, back when she was with Brian and, well, me, or whatever, I know we all hung out ... But these days, do you?”

“A bit, yeah. Here in study hall...”

A total of an hour over the past two months ... Then again, that’s a lot for Pete. The old Pete, anyway.

“ ... and I see her on the bus sometimes. But it’s kind of hard to hang out with her when Tommy’s always hogging her time and cutting me out.”

I winced. “Hey, come on ... Tommy’s a good guy. Sure, he’s a bit of a ... I don’t know, a joker, I guess, but it’s not like he hates you or anything.”

“I never get the feeling he likes it when I try to sit with you guys.”

“I don’t think it’s that, man. He never told you to leave, did he?”

“No, but I never felt welcome either.”

I took a breath and considered. “Well, look, do you want my advice?”

Pete eyed me and then shrugged. “Sure.”

“If it’s Carmen you’re into, maybe you should get to know her a bit more before asking her out. And forget about Tommy for now. I mean, don’t barge in on their gymnastics practice, obviously, but you can find her at lunch, or sit with her on the bus, or...” I went on for a bit, but noticed Pete was lost in his own thoughts.

He ended up interrupting me. “Hey, if we win the band battle, she’ll think that’s cool, right?”

Oh for fuck’s sake...

“You’re kidding, right?”

He stared at me in confusion. “Kidding? No, why?”

“Don’t turn this band battle into something between you and Tommy about Carmen, okay?”

He shook his head. “I’m not. I didn’t mean it that way. But maybe she’ll notice me more if we do well. I mean, it worked before, anyway,” he muttered.

Worked before? I rubbed my face, just about ready to march off and go learn some tumbling myself. That damned redhead!

“Pete, maybe we shouldn’t talk about this anymore. This thing at Jonah’s is already awkward enough. And I don’t want to get between you and Tommy, and Carmen for that matter. If you like her, then do something about it if you want. It’s up to Carmen, anyway, not me.”

He shrugged. “Maybe I’ll ask her to come down to the show.”

I was about ready to shake him by his shirt. I don’t want this to be even more complicated, you fool!

“Okay, that I wouldn’t do, because, um...” I desperately sought an excuse. Luckily I found a plausible seed that I could embellish on. “Those parties at Jonah’s are crazy, and anyway, you should know that Carmen is always worried about getting home on time, because her parents are like super strict about her curfew. She was grounded for a month that one time me and her got lost at the Ledges, you know, and when we were going out she was always complaining about how she had to go home and shit. Trust me, the last thing you want is her going berserk because Jonah’s show is running late. She’d flip out and ruin the night for you.”

It was worth a try; Pete was nothing if not rational, or at least, he used to be. I saw his face pull into thought, while I stood there hoping desperately that he’d believe my elaboration.

“Yeah, maybe you’re right,” he finally said, though it was halfhearted.

Before I could say anything else, he set off and wandered back inside.

I better fucking be right...

I didn’t bother following him, waiting out the period by pacing in the courtyard. The possible scenarios at Jonah’s multiplied even more.

I didn’t dare spend another minute in study hall alone that week, lest Pete decide to probe further about Tommy and Carmen. On Thursday, I was the one dragging the pair of gymnasts outside before the starting bell even rang.

“What’s the rush, Matt?” Carmen asked, amused.

“I brought my camera. I’m going to take some pictures of you two doing tricks.”

“Ooh, that’s neat!”

“Lad, stick to photos of Carmen. I’d hate to break your lens with my terrible form.”

“Oh, stop it! You’re doing way better than when we started,” Carmen dismissed, caressing his arm briefly.

Briefly, but rather tenderly... Ever since Pete’s admission, I was much more aware of how they interacted. But I’d experienced that side of Carmen and how she might flirt with someone. And this just didn’t seem quite the same as I remembered.

As we wandered out to the field and I pulled out my SLR, I found myself wondering if we’d make it to Jonah’s show without any more weirdness. Either way, I had pretty much decided that having a rivalry with The Nameless was not something I cared to continue after the battle was over. Hopefully we would win, the score would be tied between us – given the audition results – and then we could put all of it behind us and stop this stressful silliness.

Thankfully, the camera gave me some distraction. As I started circling their practice space and framing shots, my mind started clearing. I snapped a ton of pictures, trying different angles and settings in the afternoon light. I set up some long exposure shots, since that was our current photography project. I let the lens collect the scene as Carmen flipped across the frame, wondering what pattern of light she’d leave imprinted on the film.

I’d never find out, though. There was no point in taking these pictures, because we weren’t supposed to be out here. I wasn’t supposed to be photographing it, and therefore I sure wasn’t going to be developing it for Muireann and Lara to see.

The camera clicked again and again, and after a time I almost wished that I’d put film in the old Nikon. Almost.

“Gwen’s a character, isn’t she?” Lara asked me.

I chuckled. “A character ... sure.”

It was a rare moment where the two of us were alone. Muireann was in the cabin practicing her violin, still trying to learn more licks from Of Course, and Tommy had settled in for a nap on the couch down in the house. Since it was Friday, the homework pressure wasn’t as heavy on us. With the weather being quite nice for early March, Lara and I had decided to take a walk in the woods.

“She’s really good,” she remarked.

“Yeah. I just hope she doesn’t get pissed at something stupid and ditch us before Jonah’s,” I said.

“I’ve thought of that too. Too early to read her, but it seemed like she was into it last weekend.”

“Tomorrow’s rehearsal should tell us a lot. If she shows up, anyway.”

“She said she would when I saw her today,” Lara said.

“Well that’s a relief. I’ve been avoiding her all week, just in case! I saw her in the courtyard the other day and I swear she gave me the evil eye.”

“You two are so funny ... But I have to say it’s pretty cool to play with drums again. I mean, I like the more laid-back sound too, but it really punches things to have Gwen playing on these songs. Especially Shell Game and Gunkstomp.”

“I’m with you. She can lay down a groove like crazy.”

Lara looked at me, her eyes glinting. “Totally. I’m really looking forward to playing tomorrow.”

I nodded. “Me too. Things are coming together.”

“Yeah ... So what was this thing Tommy was saying on the way home yesterday? Carmen is teaching him gymnastics or something?”

I sighed, wincing at the memory of his unexpected announcement. I thought it might pass unnoticed since Alice had unknowingly diverted the conversation right away. But clearly it had not been forgotten.

“Yeah, you heard right,” I said quietly. “During study hall, we’ve been going outside and she’s been teaching him some basics. Like, really basic. Cartwheels and shit. It’s just for fun.”

“How did that get started?”

“Oh, you know, she mentioned that she does gymnastics a few weeks ago, and Tommy got it in his head that he wanted to learn a cool trick. That’s all. He’s having a good time, and so is Carmen.”

Lara huffed. “I’m sure.”

“What?”

“Well, you know ... It’s nice of her, or whatever, but I’m sure she has her own reasons too.”

“Huh?”

“She’s probably into him.”

Here we go again...

“I don’t know,” I murmured. “Doesn’t seem that way to me.”

Lara eyed me, and her look suggested that she shouldn’t have to remind me of my nickname. And she probably saw right through my evasiveness, after all.

“Well, you’re right,” I corrected with a grin. “I should never be allowed to say stuff like that. But ... I have been wondering if I should tell Tommy about me and Carmen. That we used to go out, or whatever you’d call what me and her did.”

“I think you definitely should tell him.”

“I don’t want it to be weird though. Especially now that you say she might have her eye on him.”

Lara waved her hand. “I’ve hardly seen her with him, so I don’t know if that’s true either. I was just guessing, based on how he talks about her.”

We walked in silence for a time, wandering through the trees aimlessly.

“I never got the feeling you were a big fan of hers,” I said.

“Why would I be? After what you went through with her.”

“Well ... she didn’t really do anything bad. It was just a fucked up time for me, mostly, and she got caught up in it. It wasn’t her fault I was acting like a jerk.”

Lara slowed and looked at me. “You said she jumped you at the amusement park, on that ride.”

“Oh, that ... Yeah, I guess she did. But it was just a misunderstanding. She thought I said something different than what I said.”

“Or she really wanted you back, and totally took advantage of it by attacking you. That’s what it seemed like. I remember you were pretty wigged out about it that day.”

I was suddenly feeling uneasy as the topic continued to unfold. Lara knew a lot about Carmen and me, but not everything. Definitely not about the...

“I don’t really remember now,” I said quickly. “Anyway, it’s pointless to dig that shit up again. But I should at least tell Tommy about it so it doesn’t come up weird later on.”

“Yeah, you don’t want to pull a Lara...”

“What do you mean?”

“When I didn’t tell you about Julie...”

I frowned. She sure seemed to be reminiscing on times that were not our happiest, by any means. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, fine.”

“You seem to be a bit ... down.”

She gestured vaguely. “Just tired from the week. And yeah, remembering some of that old shit, I guess. Like you said, pointless, but Carmen’s hanging around again, so I guess we do have to dig, just a little.”

“They’re just doing some gymnastics, Lara. They’re not like dating or anything.”

“That’s fine, Matt. Tommy is allowed to have friends besides us. They both are.”

“I know.”

“And by the way,” she added, “I’m thinking of taking Muireann to Alice’s tomorrow night for a sleepover.”

I sniggered. “What, for dinner and a movie?”

Lara rolled her eyes. “Very funny, Matt...”

“Just saying! But that’s cool, go for it.”

“I did tell Alice to behave,” she conceded.

“What, you don’t think Muireann can handle your usual sleepover activities?”

“Well, she’s definitely more...” Lara gestured, “ ... restrained, than what me and Alice usually are like when we hang out and get ripped.”

“Are you going to smoke with her?”

She shrugged. “We’ll see what happens.”

“Just don’t make her feel uncomfortable, right?” I pleaded.

“Of course we won’t. Alice likes her.”

“And ... do you?”

She frowned at me in dismay. “What’s that supposed to mean? Of course I do!”

“You are sleeping in the same bed.”

Lara backhanded my coat sleeve as she realized what I was really insinuating. “It’s just convenient that way. Unless you want to share the darkroom bed with Tommy?”

“Not really. But maybe you should tell Muireann about you and Julie,” I teased.

“No way. I don’t want to make her feel weird, come on ... And I really hope you’re just kidding about all this, because that’s not what’s going on here.”

“I am kidding,” I confirmed.

Lara nodded and we walked on for a while, contemplative.

“What about you?” she asked. “You don’t seem to be talking to Heather much since she left. Everything all right?”

“Yeah, you know ... She’s super busy getting ready for this thing at the vision center. She says it keeps getting a little bigger each time she talks to them. Two more patients want to be a part of it now. She has like a fricking waiting list for building filters!”

Lara laughed gently. “That girl is something else...”

“She is. But yeah, we’re good. I’m just glad she’s sleeping better.”

“Because you two didn’t sleep at all when she was here?” she teased.

“Well, no, not that! I guess she was ... well, don’t tell anyone this, but she was having some panic attacks when she was building the first filters.”

Lara stopped short and looked at me. “Aw, why?” she asked, her voice flush with concern.

“Just at the idea of what it would be like to go blind, or not see well or whatever. It kind of made her realize how scared she was of something like that ever happening to her, and it freaked her out a bit. I mean, photography is a big part of her life, you know. To lose it ... Well, yeah. She wasn’t doing well for a while. Not at all.”

“Damn ... I didn’t know that.”

“Well, she didn’t even tell me until the night we saw Tommy’s photos. She’s handling it much better now, thankfully.”

We started off again, more slowly though.

“Can I ask you something?” she said after a time.

My gut tightened at her tentative tone. “Sure, what’s up?”

“Why did you do that whole thing with the scarf?”

I sniffed, even as my stomach muscles gripped themselves a little more. “I didn’t actually get her that scarf. She bought it for herself.”

“Just by chance?”

I had a feeling Lara knew she’d been played. But I had no easy answer.

Well, except the truth... But the truth wasn’t quite pleasant, I knew.

“I can’t, Lara. It’s Heather’s thing to tell, or ... whatever. I can’t even explain it without saying something. And I’m sorry about the scarf, but I can’t ... say—ugh!”

Lara swallowed but said nothing.

“I am really sorry,” I muttered. “I want to tell you, but I can’t. I promised not to. And it’s kind of killing me right now.”

“You should keep that promise.”

“Or maybe I shouldn’t,” I muttered.

“No, you should. This is the bed we made, you know. We can’t complain, now that we’re in it.”

I winced, as I knew those words well. “Lara ... You said the songs weren’t about that.”

She laughed my comment away. “Maybe they’re not. But sometimes they might match up with something real. Just by complete coincidence. You know, just like a scarf.”

I slowed to a stop, my body feeling completely unsettled. “Damn it, Lara ... I don’t like that!”

She circled around a tree and came near to me, her expression pained. After closing her eyes, she spoke quietly. “Sorry. But we have to do what we have to do. You know that as much as I do.”

For a long moment the trees seemed to press in on us. Then I huffed. “Fine. But is it worth it?”

“I don’t know, Matt ... We’re in the middle of it now. How can we even tell?”

I took some steadying breaths. “I guess we’ve made it this far.”

Around me, the branches rustled gently as a slight breeze kicked up. I looked around, realizing the sky had turned gray while we’d been walking, too involved with our conversation to notice. As I stared, a small flake of snow fell through the space between us, disappearing into the dirt below and disintegrating instantly. Oddly, that was the extent of the snowstorm. A patch of blue sky was already fighting back against the silver clouds, trying to force the nicer part of the day to return.

“Most of the time I’m okay, I swear,” Lara said, still staring at the ground where the flake had died. “It’s just when you bring this up, it’s hard. I can tell you’re frustrated, and I am too.”

I leaned against a tree. “I’m sorry, then. But I don’t want to ignore you, or not check in, you know? Because I still...”

“I know,” she whispered, when I couldn’t say more. “Because I feel the same, believe me. But it’s also a bit too painful to keep opening each other up to check in. I don’t know that I can really handle that much longer.”

I shook my head, fighting off tears. “What are you saying?”

She came closer and took me into a hug. “I’m just saying that we need to stay strong. Keep on the course. We can’t rip open everything now, while the twins are with us. It would be unfair to them. What if they thought it was too weird? Then what the hell do we do? You can’t put that stuff back in the box.”

“I know. Then they’d have to leave, or live with another family. And everyone at school would wonder why, and we’re already weird enough.”

“We need to be normal, Matt.”

She let go of me, and I picked at a piece of loose tree bark.

I ventured a glance at her. “Do you really think they’d be wigged out?”

She shook her head in warning. “Don’t even go there, Matt. Even if they would be okay with it, we’ve already been playing this game for two months now. How would that look, to come out and say it was all different?”

“No, you’re right,” I said slowly. “I guess that would be worse, to suddenly pull this out after hiding it. But then ... you’re saying that you and me can’t talk to each other anymore?”

Lara glanced at me sadly. “Of course we can. But maybe just not about this stuff.”

I huffed in frustration. “I never thought the masks would be between us.”

“They had to be, Matt. And I think we knew that. We just—” Lara blinked away a tear and swallowed hard. “We just didn’t know how hard it would be.”

“No, we didn’t. But let’s get through this, like you said. It’s just until the end of June ... Let’s promise each other that we’ll be okay, do our thing, and then we’ll figure the rest out when summer is here.”

She nodded sadly. “Yeah ... And we have time to figure it out later. I’m really happy with the twins here, you know, even if it means—”

“I know. But let’s not talk about it anymore.” I turned to her. “Hey, I know ... How about this: unless we’re like super struggling with something, then we won’t talk about it, and that’ll mean that we’re doing well enough. Yeah?”

Lara pondered for a time. “Okay, that’s probably for the best ... And listen, Matt. You enjoy everything with Heather, and don’t waste this time, right?”

I stared into her. “Yeah, I will. And I haven’t been wasting it, I promise.”

She nodded once, and I could tell she was trying as much as I was to keep it normal. My stomach still felt punched as I hugged her again. Holding her close, an act which I realized had been a very rare occurrence lately, relieved some of that feeling. But I also couldn’t help but think that as the last little gaps in the mask edges closed up yet again, that this wouldn’t be the last time we’d have to face these feelings before the summer arrived. There were still too many levers out in the world that could pry things open without our consent. Or even against our will ... But this is the bed we made.

We separated and headed back to the house, our stride steadier now. The sky was clear again, although the temperature was colder than when we’d started off on our hike.

As we entered the back yard, I glanced at Lara. “I’m going to see how Muireann’s getting along with the song. Do you want to come?”

Lara eyed the main house. “Yeah, I could ... But I should check on Tommy first.”

I nodded. “Sure. Come up when he’s awake, then.”

We split apart, but in another moment, I heard footsteps hurrying toward me. I turned and caught her in my arms once more.

“Oh, Matt ... I know it’s not easy!” she wailed quietly. “I just want you to know that I’m not mad at you, or upset that this is the way things are. When I said I was frustrated, it wasn’t with you. Just ... the situation, or something. I’m not even sure, but it’s not you. So please, don’t ever think that, okay?”

“I won’t,” I managed.

“I love you.”

“And I love you, Lara.” I glanced at the windows of the cabin and the house to either side of us. “Now let’s not make a scene in full view of everyone.”

Lara pulled away and wiped her face. “Okay ... We’ll be up in a bit to play.”

I made my way to the cabin, hoping dearly that Muireann would distract me from the hollowness I felt. As it turned out, I got lucky. When I opened the door, I was greeted with an edgy blast of notes that came to an abrupt stop as Muireann noticed me. A howl of distorted feedback suddenly blossomed into the room. Her startled eyes went wide as she smashed her foot onto different pedals, until at last she flicked off my amp in desperation.

“Oh, Matt!” she cried apologetically.

I started laughing. “What were you doing?” But as I entered the room, it was clear enough. She’d plugged her violin into my signal chain and was running it through my pedals and guitar amplifier, quite loudly.

“I just—I thought I could—” she stammered, her face reddening. “Oh, I’m so sorry!”

“Don’t be! So it works, through the pedals?”

She nodded sheepishly. “I only wanted to see what would happen if I tried them.”

“Come on, turn it back on and let’s hear it!”

“No, I shouldn’t have touched your things. I’m sor—”

“Muireann, stop it!” I burst out. “You’re part of the family and my good friend. You don’t have to act like a hotel guest anymore! Stop apologizing, because really, it’s fine!”

She seemed somewhat shocked at my outburst, but I was happy to see a small shy smile soon cross her lips. At length, she gave me a little nod.

“Now come on, I want to hear your violin through the pedals!”

She took a moment to compose herself and then turned the volume down on the amp before flicking the switch on. I took a seat on the couch and waited as she reset the pedals and raised the volume.

Then she started playing, and the sound was indeed cool enough that I was able to forget most of what I’d just talked about with Lara. Thankfully...

The next day the four of us were hanging out in the cabin, warming up and waiting for Gwen and Colin to arrive.