Chapter 9: Drawing Fine Distinctions

Fiona’s diary:

Before I went to school, I had breakfast with my parents. They were rather impressed with Amanda, to say the least. After that uncomfortable talk we had, they were happy to see me genuinely interested in someone of substance. Mother saw how much I liked her, though I tried not to show it, and she kept smiling fondly at me, teasing me about my new girlfriend. We weren’t, though; not yet. My parents were very flexible, and didn’t try to control me, but they were awfully perceptive, and realised this time things were different for me.

Perhaps that made me avoid Amanda for a bit. I made sure I arrived at school just in time to get in, and ran to my class without meeting her. It may have been stupid and stubborn, but I hated to feel like I was following someone else’s script, and my parents smug attitude made me want to do just the opposite.

There were other reasons, too. Megan always got a little touchy when I showed too much interest in someone new, though as far as I knew she had no romantic designs on me whatsoever. She just felt side-lined.

Kira was a different story. She enjoyed watching me work, and sometimes took a supporting role. She liked manipulative mind games and teasing, and those were always major ingredients in my relationships. The fact was, though, I wasn’t sure I wanted her to behave that way with Amanda. She might not be able to take it, and I felt too much affection for her to let someone else upset her.

I had a deal with Kira not to interfere uninvited with each other, but we got along so well we’d never really bothered about it. It wasn’t entirely fair for me to expect her to stay out without letting her know first. she deserved an explanation, at least. Megan was just being stupid, and what she deserved was to be put in her place.

Following my plan, I dismissed Amanda when she tried to join us during the break and sent her to look for Syl. I needed some time to sort things out with Kira and Megan. It wouldn’t be bad for her to get to know more people, too. There would be plenty of times I couldn’t be with her, and leaving her alone with my friends wasn’t a good alternative. Eve wasn’t the only person who could see her vulnerability, and they weren’t above probing and picking on weakness, though I hope they would know better than to go as far as Eve had. It might also do Syl some good.

“So have you calmed your tits about your new girlfriend?” asked Kira.

Megan laughed.

“She’s not my girlfriend”, I said. “At least she’s behaving like a friend, though, unlike some other people.”

Kira nodded, chastened.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” said Megan.

“Megan--” said Kira, realising how serious I was.

“It means I want you to stop doing that to her, and to cut the attitude”, I said. “Let’s see how funny it is when I reduce your boyfriends to tears. Won’t that be amusing? Think I can’t do it? Think the fuck again.”

“Megan, drop it”, said Kira.

“Doing what?” said Megan.

“Oh, you know, being a bitch. I told you to stop that yesterday”, I said.

“You were picking on her yourself! I’m sick of you telling me what to do”, said Megan, annoyed.

It didn’t help that she had a point, but the situations were different. I was acting on a plan to help Amanda, though it admittedly included making her mine and getting what I wanted. Instead, Megan was trying her best to push her away, and I was not having that.

“Get used to it. Give me five laps around the yard”, I said.

“What! Are you kidding? You’re not the boss of me!” she said.

I could hear the brittleness in her voice, though. It helped that she knew deep inside she had overstepped in laughing at me, even if she hadn’t started it. I turned my back on her, facing Kira, as if she didn’t exist. I couldn’t make Megan do anything. Well, I suppose I could chase her around and make her run; but I wasn’t going to. Ignoring her had been effective with her in the past, though, and I was pretty sure it would work this time, too.

“I didn’t even say anything!” said Megan. Her voice went from angry to whiny and plaintive.

“Anyway, I love it when Amanda blushes”, I said to Kira. “Rather cute, don’t you think?”

“So you’re back to normal?” said Kira, going along with me.

“Kira, this is not fair?” said Megan.

“Sure”, I said. “I guess I was worried about her yesterday, that’s all. You saw how she was about to leave.”

Megan touched my shoulder, trying to get my attention, and I shoved her off. Then she tried to get between Kira and me. Kira laughed, and I just looked past her. In the end, she sighed and began to run.

“Ok”, said Kira. “So what’s going on and why are you punishing Megan?”

“Thanks for your support with that”, I said. “What’s going on is, I’d like you to keep off Amanda for now. I know it’s not how we usually do it, but she’s a special case, ok?”

“What the hell is so special about her? Just a loser like so many others.”

“Look, it should be enough for you that I asked, but since you’re a good friend, I’ll tell you this”, I said. “She has problems as it is and doesn’t need you making things worse just because she’s around me. I also happen to like her a hell of a lot, so it would be nice if you stopped insulting her in front of me. We both know I could easily say very unkind things about you if I wanted to.”

“You’re serious, Fiona? I know you like her type, but ... they never seemed to matter that much to you before. It was like, I don’t know, some sort of entertainment for you. I thought she was just the same.”

“Yeah, well ... It’s different this time.”

“So you’re telling me ... Fiona is in love?”

“I don’t know about that”, I said. I think ... If I’m not, I could be. We need time to get closer to each other, though, preferably without my best friends trying to make her cry every five minutes. Honestly, am I asking for that much?”

“I’m sorry, Fiona. I had no idea she meant so much to you, and I understand why you set Megan to do laps now. I wish you both the best; you really deserve it. I honestly have nothing against her, it’s just ... habit. All those girls couldn’t give you what you wanted, I hope this one is different.”

“I got what I wanted, I just want something else now. Anyway, you were only doing what we always did”, I said. “I understand that. Megan’s being jealous and bitchy though, and I don’t have to take that shit from anyone.”

“We’ll keep her in line, the two of us”, she said, smiling at me. “Wow, Fiona serious about someone. I’m amazed, and I do mean it: I am happy for you.”

“Well, I’ll have to make sure it all turns out great”, I said.

“Very Fiona”, she said. “These things work--or don’t--by themselves, you know.”

It was good Kira understood and was on my side. I hoped she would, and though I thought I could convince her or compel her, if it came to it, it was better this way. I thought of giving up on Megan and adding someone else to our circle, but there weren’t much better choices. Everyone popular and confident enough to rule the school was as bad or worse. With Kira on my side, it would be easy to control her. I just wished it hadn’t been necessary, for once.

“Fiona? Kira?” said Megan, gasping for breath after her laps.

“Yes?” I asked.

“I’m ... sorry for making fun of you?”

“And?”

“And for making fun of Amanda, too.”

“And?”

“And I won’t do it again. Please, Fiona. I’m really sorry.”

“Good girl”, I said. I hugged Megan and held her tight. “Was that so hard?”

She blushed, but she didn’t object to my words or my gesture. It was important to make people feel forgiven and accepted after a punishment. Otherwise they just got resentful about it, and much of the effect was lost.

“So, am I the boss of you?” I taunted her, still holding her close. Of course, it was also a good time to remind them of their place.

She grimaced.

“Come on, am I?” I said, playfully.

“Oh, Fiona, you’re impossible”, said Megan. Good enough. I started laughing, and the two girls joined me, releasing the tension at last.

“It’s alright, Megan”, I said warmly. Kira smirked at me, unseen by her, and joined the hug.

We talked the rest of the break, as if nothing had happened. Afterwards we went back to class, and Kira had a smile on her face. It was good to have a real ally.

Megan was pretty demanding after that, and I let her be the centre of attention. Before lunch, she asked me if we were eating with Amanda, and I told her I had different plans. It was fine if she thought I’d made them for her benefit.

We sat together, and I told them I wouldn’t let Amanda join us, just for fun. Megan was a little hesitant, but Kira asked if I objected to them laughing, because it probably would be quite funny to have the little nerd standing there with her tray, waiting for me to let her sit, and of course I told them it was fine. In fact, if they helped me get Mandy in the right mood to submit to me later, it would prove quite convenient, though I had no intention of explaining that.

It was just as we’d imagined it. Amanda came to my table, and stood there, wordlessly begging for me to deign to notice her. I went on talking about nothing, while Kira and Megan laughed at her. In the end, she got the hint, and left, with a sad expression on her face. As she pouted, blushed and walked away, with an uncertain step, it seemed to me that the heat on her face was from desire as well as embarrassment, and the shaking of her legs contained a portion of unconfessable pleasure. It appeared Amanda enjoyed it when I was hard on her. If she was the submissive I thought she was, getting her little mind steeped in feelings of inferiority and shame would keep her yearning for more, and I had planned to give it to her later in the day.

The school day ended, and I told Syl and Mandy to wait outside for me when I finished training. It was a day for running, and I really needed it after all that.

Sometimes I got too stirred up inside, and I had found different ways to release that excess energy: physical exercise helped me get calmer, more controlled and focused. Running was good for quieting all those urges I’d otherwise find it hard not to act on. Football was almost like a dance: it let me extend my sense of self to the entire team, and helped me feel less isolated. Being popular meant I rarely lacked for company, but that didn’t mean I never felt lonely. When I really wanted to destroy things ... well, there was the strength training. A good, exhausting session took the edge off, and if even that wasn’t enough, there were other options. Those I always did in private, though; I felt they showed too much about myself. When I got excited about domination and control, there was sex for that, and playing with my pets. I just had to be very sure to distinguish that from genuine aggression, but I knew myself well enough to avoid that mistake.

Sometimes the physical things didn’t help. Sometimes it had to be music, or drawing, or walking in the woods. Sometimes I had to listen to my breath, and work out what my mind and body were trying to tell me. Mother had helped me with that, and the library had done the rest. Later on, Kira had noticed when I got out of balance, and tried her best to nudge me back, while protecting me and the world from each other. I owed her a lot for that.

All this stuff had been a problem growing up, but I was mostly over it. Some unhealthy impulses would probably always arise, but I had learned to harness them. Mastering myself had been the first and hardest step in taking control over my life. It was only later I managed to extend that control to other people and events around me, as I matured.

I started my changing routine and began to focus. I kept the same socks, making sure they’d get even more sweaty and smelly for Mandy in the evening, and to test Kira’s claims during the weekend. As I got ready, my head got uncluttered. I followed my breath and placed my attention on my body, eager to run.

Eve was also a member of the track team, and knew that I didn’t want to be interrupted while I prepared, so when she got on my face and called my name, she knew she would piss me off. Mission accomplished, I guessed.

“What?” I said. I didn’t want to lose my edge and used the fewest possible words.

“We should talk”, she said.

“Not now.”

“I--”

“Not now. When we finish.”

She wasn’t happy, but she nodded and left me alone.

We did some stretching and warming up first. We’d been training and running for a long time so we all knew what we should be doing, and there was little need for instructions. After that, we got ready to run.

Before we set off, I closed my eyes. Felt the air go in and out of my lungs. Listened to my heart. Firmed up my intention: to do my best.

I did what I always did: race against myself. I wasn’t there to compare myself to anyone, but to take my body to the limit. I felt it respond, as always, and my thoughts were driven out by the immediate sensation of running: breathing in and out, the wind on my face, pumping my arms, moving my legs and the feel of the ground against my feet. It felt good: my body was a tuned, harmonious machine obeying my intent. I simply lived in the moment, concerned only with keeping good form, gauging whether I could go faster, and remaining aware of everything, letting every sensation register distinctly. Coolness, friction, impact, pain, pleasure, they all took their appointed places, and I let them come and go as they would. That intense focus on the moment was great. Making just the right effort, not too little and not too much, was what kept me interested.

At some point I noticed Eve trying to pass me and I was amused. She was decent, but she’d never win against me on long distances. I ignored her attempts and kept my best possible pace. She kept getting ahead of me and then having to fall behind again.

A while later--my sense of time often turned off while I ran--I made the goal, and went on, slower and slower, so as not to make a sudden stop. We went back in to change, and I noticed Eve had overdone it. A sadistic part of me hoped she’d had to puke.

“How ... did ... you ... get so ... fast?” said Eve, still catching her breath.

“Training. Discipline. Natural aptitude. Plus I’m just plain better than you at everything”, I said.

“Fuck you”, she said, with more frustration than anger.

“You wish. First you’d have to catch me though, and it looks like that’s not happening”, I said, not bothering to hide my amusement.

“Fiona? I want an apology for Saturday.” She still was breathing hard, but she could speak normally.

“Do you, now?”

“Come on, I didn’t make your precious Amanda drink that stuff. You went too far.”

“Only because I intervened, and you messed up her hair. Look, I forgave you. We can still be friends. I’m just not going to put up with you doing that to Amanda, or any other friend of mine. Just as I wouldn’t let someone do that to you.”

“I want to be friends, but I want...”

“You want some compensation for what I did. I think I understand.” I thought about it for a moment. I had probably gone further than necessary, and if it hadn’t been for Kira... “Alright. I miss talking to you, too. How about this? I’m going to be messing with Syl and Amanda a little. Pretty sure that’s the sort of thing you’d enjoy. Would you like to be present for that?”

“Wait, after telling me off for doing that to Amanda--”

“I’m just going to play with her head, so don’t get your hopes up. Syl’s going to get it harder. In exchange ... you still haven’t apologised to Amanda.”

“I can do that”, she said. “I agree I shouldn’t have done it. I just got carried away. She looked so sweet and vulnerable ... I just ... don’t want to be treated like I don’t exist. We’ve been friends for a while now, surely that counts for something?”

Surely it did. Mandy’s weakness got to me, too. It was hard to be around her without wanting to make her yield. Eve had just fallen for an impulse I felt myself. I hadn’t been that much better when I tickled her, for instance. I nodded.

“So what you’re offering, is it only looking, or can I touch, too?” she asked.

“You can make fun of them if you like. In fact, do that. Otherwise, hands off, please”, I said.

“You want to put them in their place, right? I do wonder how that’s different from what I did, but fine. I’ll tell Amanda I am sorry.”

Sometimes, I wondered that myself. I wanted to think it was different because I wouldn’t really force them if they didn’t want something. Except when I did, like when Amanda begged me to quit tickling her. But she had agreed to it ... I went beyond that, though. Was I really different, or just a bully with better rationalisations? Maybe the key was that I cared about them, but how did that matter? This shit was too complicated to sort through in the middle of a conversation.

“And are you really?” I said.

“Sorry that it all got in between us, that’s for sure.”

“Deal, then”, I said, smiling and offering my hand to shake. I really did miss her too. She was a devious prankster and a vicious gossip. Maybe not the most admirable qualities, but highly entertaining. She smiled back and shook my hand firmly.

There I was, shaking hands with someone who’d tried to bully Amanda, just about to let her see me dominate her. Sure I got her an apology, but maybe it was me she really deserved it from. This was no time for a crisis of confidence, but I had to work this out before I found myself on the wrong side of a line I hadn’t even noticed crossing.

By the time Eve and I got out, everyone had left. I’d planned to make Syl and Mandy wait anyway. Giving them time to worry about what I’d do to them, to anticipate and speculate, made them more anxious about it all, and standing there at my disposal made it clear who was in charge. It got them in a more receptive and compliant mindset. I also didn’t intend for everyone to see me toying with them.

They were both discussing it as we went out, and it gave me the opportunity to chide Amanda about it. She didn’t want to admit she was complaining about the wait. I demanded an answer, and held her chin up with my finger. She was trembling at my touch, wilting under my gaze, and I loved seeing her surrender to my authority.

It was getting more than she could bear, though. She closed her eyes, unable to face me. Submissives were all different. Amanda thought so little of herself, she desperately craved my approval, and mere signs of my displeasure were enough to cause her distress. It was very sweet. I didn’t want her to think she was beyond forgiveness, though. She seemed prone to blame herself for everything. I caressed her face and gave her some kind words to sustain her.

At last, Amanda confessed. It only took a little push to have her apologise. Eve showed her amusement, and Sylvia got closer, standing by Amanda’s back. I’m sure she’d say she was there to help her. Maybe she even believed it. The truth is she wanted to see me dominate someone up close, even if it wasn’t herself.

I asked Amanda to explain why I could have their waiting, and not the other way around, curious what she’d come up with. Sylvia dared to intervene, though, hoping I’d make her the object of my power, rather than its mere observer. I had counted on that, though I had not expected her to be so quick about it. She must have missed me more than I thought.

I made her step forward, and she begged me to take them home, visibly uncomfortable about Eve’s presence. Before she was mine, she’d allowed herself to be tormented for years, and Eve had often taken the opportunity. Instead, I threatened to cancel our meeting, and I soon had her making abject apologies, under my thumb where she belonged.

It was time to bring her to her knees, like a good pet. She made a weak objection, not a real refusal, and I helped her down, pushing on her shoulders. There she was, humbled at my feet, looking up, half-fearing and half-hoping I would make it worse. She knew what I expected from pets when they apologised.

I demanded a proper obeisance, and though she half-heartedly resisted at first, I saw her thirst for my control. A little hair pulling, and I had her on all fours. The rest she did herself, lowering her lips to my shoe, still unable to believe she was degrading herself before me and Eve so easily, in spite of all the previous times I had made her do just that.

Eve’s phone shattered the silence of the empty school as she took picture after picture of Syl kissing my shoes. A part of me was annoyed that Eve had gone beyond my instructions, but seeing the effect it had on my two servile girls convinced me I should have thought of it myself. Sylvia looked utterly mortified. Amanda seemed to be regretting her outburst, never suspecting I would have made this happen no matter what. At the same time, though, she couldn’t keep her eyes off Sylvia demeaning herself at my command. I suspected a part of her wondered what it felt like. I intended to satisfy her curiosity, but not that very moment.

I forced Sylvia’s face on my shoe treading on her head with my other foot, and let Eve take photos. Sylvia reached her limit. She asked me to stop, and I did, knowing my work was done. I demanded an answer to my question, as a punishment for Sylvia and a lesson for Amanda, and she responded perfectly, by admitting her position of inferiority. Of course a submissive pet belonged at my feet, and Eve derived no little mirth from it.

We were done. I made sure to transfer and delete the pictures Eve had taken, to her obvious disappointment and my girls’ relief. Eve gave a perfunctory apology to Amanda, fulfilling our agreement, and it seemed to shock her more than seeing her friend on all fours had.

We went to my car, and I made them both ride on the back, like children. They were my little passengers, dependent and subservient to me, their adult driver. They were soon holding hands, like nervous kids in an unfamiliar setting. If nothing else, I loved seeing my two cuties trying to comfort each other as I took them to my lair.

We got home and I led them to the living room to greet my parents. Not only was it the polite thing to do, but both felt intimidated by my mother. My father inspired something closer to distant respect. It was yet another small part in setting the right mood.

Father commented on Sylvia’s long absence, making her a bit flustered. When Mother greeted Amanda, though, she called her Aideen. When had that happened? Amanda, on first name terms with Mother? I mentally awarded her points, however she had managed it. Then Mother decided to alter my plans even further by asking me to her study. Of course I could refuse, but if she wanted to talk to me, she probably had a good reason. My parents weren’t arbitrary and wouldn’t jerk me around for the pleasure of having me dance to their tune. I left my girls with Father.

“Have you told Amanda yet?” she said.

“Told her what?”

“That you like her. That you think you are made for each other.”

Absolutely not. Was she even ready to hear that?

“No”, I said. “I’m still thinking about it.”

“Why’s Sylvia here again?” said Mother. “I thought you were done with her.”

“In some sense”, I said. “We’re still acquainted though, and she draws nicely. I’d like Amanda to see herself like we see her. She doesn’t realise she is beautiful.”

“Ah.” She picked up a pen and twirled it around, distracted.

“You’re screwing around again, aren’t you?” she said. “It’s going to be the same as always. A few weeks, maybe months, and then nothing. Sylvia’s presence shows you’re not committed.”

I shook my head.

“It doesn’t”, I said. “I thought it would Amanda do some good to make more friends, and Sylvia knows a lot of the people she’s likely to find interesting.”

“Fiona, we are not stupid. We know what goes on downstairs”, she said. “We know the kinds of toys you have, and the sorts of games you play.”

“I never made that a secret”, I said. They had never objected to it, either.

“Your explanations are nothing but good excuses. Tell me I’m wrong. Aren’t you going to play with them both? Set them against each other?”

“What business is it of yours? Quit interfering!”

“Am I supposed to stay my hand as my daughter wastes her best chance for enduring love, with a girl so smart and sweet I’d want her for myself? Someone who admires and adulates her? Because she’s deadly afraid of her own feelings?” she said. “I never thought you were a coward.”

“Wait. You ... like women that way?”

“Way to fixate on the least important aspect, Fiona”, she said. “I’m not going to let your prurient curiosity divert us from the schwerpunkt. Let’s just say your generation didn’t discover bisexuality and move on. Are you deliberately scuttling your chances at a genuine relationship with Amanda?”

Of course not. Was I? Sylvia was here to help her ... ease her into it. Mother was right about one thing, though: my usual pattern was to get involved with someone, train them to please me and sort them out, and then gently push them away as they became uninteresting. The fact was, I had never aimed for the long term with anyone yet. With Amanda, it was different. I wanted her with me always.

“I was counting on Sylvia to help Amanda feel safe.”

“You’re lying to yourself. You could tie Amanda up on an altar with occult symbols and conduct a sacrificial ritual on her, on the mere strength of ‘Fiona says, Fiona wants’. You make her feel safe just by being there. You were counting on Sylvia to make Amanda feel ordinary. One girl amongst many. Nothing special. Another item on the list. That’s what you want her to be, someone you can quickly get into, through, and over. Amanda deserves better from you.”

“Excuse me, but I’m not taking instructions from you on this, or anything else”, I said. “No reason I can’t keep several girls.”

“Have you heard any instructions?” she said. “I’m not telling you what to do: I’m telling you to think, damnit. Notice what you’re doing. Listen to what is going on inside you. This is not about whether you’re with one girl or twenty, but whether you let yourself open up, take the risk of being hurt, and grasp at the reward of being truly loved and understood. You’re so good at reading other people, at making them do what you want, you don’t realise you’re manipulating yourself into this dead end, too.”

She wasn’t going to let me evade this anymore. I knew at some level that she had a point, but I had been doing my best not to deal with it. Why tamper with a recipe that works? The fact was, though, until now I hadn’t felt the urge to settle with anyone. No-one had called to me that way. Things had changed, though, and I had to change with them. Mother was right about that part, and I couldn’t help being worried.

“I ... I’m happy like this”, I said. “What if ... what if it can’t work? What if the things I enjoy ... don’t make for anything that can last? Your relationship with Father is between equals. I know I can’t give up control like that, not to anyone. I simply can’t.”

She got up from her chair, walked to me and hugged me. I looked away. I didn’t want her condescension.

“Fiona”, she said, gently holding my head and making me look into her eyes. At least she didn’t have a patronising smile. “You have two lovely girls waiting for you who’d give up anything to be yours. Don’t ever doubt you can make it work. There are many ways for a relationship to function, and ours is only one. You simply have to learn to move past the opening and break through to the middle game, however you want to play it. Sure, you’ll make mistakes. Who hasn’t? Sure, you’re not used to it. There’s no other way, though. You don’t want to be doing the same thing over and over, do you? Even we can tell you’re not satisfied by this anymore.”

“When I think about Amanda, I know it’s silly”, I said. “We barely just met, we’re still in high school and, well, what are the chances? I think of her and how well she fits me. She trusts me, she adores me, she wants to please me; I can see it. I just want to bring it out so we can talk about it, openly, so she can understand what is happening, too, and we don’t mess it up. I need to show her what it could be like if she were with me. I think of her, and there’s nothing I want more than keeping her with me, forever. Then I remember how unlikely it all is, and, well...”

“You ask what the chances are”, she said, still looking straight at me. “I’ll tell you what: the chances are what you make them. I’m not saying you’ll stay with Amanda the rest of your life, though nothing about that is silly. Who can tell? If you want it to happen, though, don’t count the chances: create them. For all that is holy, don’t give up before you even try!”

“Fine, Mother”, I said. “I will try, and let fate decide.”

“People like us,” she said, “don’t let fate decide: we seize her, grope her, dance with her, force our tongue in her mouth and have our way with her. Got it?”

I smiled. I certainly couldn’t object to that. Fate, Fiona’s coming for you.