Chapter 8: Hell is Certain Other People

Amanda’s diary:

Dear diary,

It was hard to sleep worrying about Clara’s visit. The whole night, I tossed in bed, hoping she would be in one of her rare good moods. Unlike the twins, who were always about as nasty, Clara would very occasionally show me a little bit of kindness. On the other hand, when I caught her in a bad mood, she would get a lot meaner; worse than they could ever be, and more creative about it.

I was doing my best not to think of it, but as the week passed it became harder and harder. At least I was going to meet Fiona and Syl, or Sylvia, that evening. I wondered what Fiona was planning to do with us, or perhaps to us. Sylvia’s strange relationship with her bothered me: I didn’t want to be treated like that, humiliated in front of her friends and called names in public. Sure, Fiona had been very protective of me during lunch, but it was clear she could be harsh to people. When she punished Eve, it was scary, but I could understand it. What she did to Sylvia, though, I couldn’t. Was that my fate when she got tired of me? Being used as an object of amusement for her friends?

I also kept wondering about what I was to her. My parents were engaging in wishful thinking: we were definitely not girlfriends, or she would have told me that. On the other hand she hadn’t called me her pet, either, though perhaps that was because we had spent most of our time together in public. In fact, she had never quite given me a straight answer on that. When I had asked her if I was her pet, she just returned the question to me. I still didn’t know what I wanted. Maybe we could simply be friends getting to know each other, still not sure if we would become something else. Well, I wasn’t sure; Fiona perhaps knew all along.

Since the weekend, I was following the pattern of looking for Fiona first thing in the morning, and taking her instructions. I couldn’t find her this time, though, so I just went to class. Unfortunately our schedules didn’t place us together, though perhaps it was for the best. I didn’t know how I would manage to pay attention with her around, especially if she got in the mood for teasing me, which she sometimes seemed to.

I did find her during the break, with the usual suspects.

“Go play with Syl, Amanda”, she said. No greeting, just that.

“Uh, Fiona? Can’t I stay with you?” I said.

“You heard me. Run along, now”, she said, looking away from me, dismissing me altogether.

This time she didn’t say anything when Kira and Megan laughed at me. I couldn’t understand her. Sometimes she would be so warm and caring, and other times it was like I meant nothing to her. I couldn’t help pouting. I lowered my head, hoping they didn’t see it, and slowly walked away as they chattered to each other, an animated back and forth I was apparently not welcome to join.

It was stupid, but I just did as I was told, and looked for Sylvia. She was talking to a couple of guys. I’d seen them around before, always together. Back then I had wondered if they simply were friends, or they were trying to protect each other. This school didn’t seem as bad as my last one, though. There, fights were common, and people who were weak, or different, or shy, could get piled on easily. This wasn’t some kind of utopia, and there were hierarchies and status differences, clear even to someone as socially clueless as myself; but they were maintained through more subtle means that didn’t involve constant terror in the corridors.

“Hi, Amanda”, said Sylvia, introducing me to her friends. “Oscar and Sampo.” Then she looked more carefully at me and noticed my expression.

“Oh”, she said. “Do you need--”

“It’s alright”, I said. “Don’t worry. Pleased to meet you, guys, and may I ask ... Sampo?”

He sighed, and I realised he must be tired of hearing the same question every time someone learned his name.

“Finnish name”, he said. “Mythological device. My parents hate me.”

“Guys, see you later”, said Sylvia. “I’m meeting Amanda this evening and we have to make plans.” She walked away from the boys and I tagged along.

“That wasn’t really necessary”, I said.

“You look upset, and anyway, you probably want to talk about Fiona, right?” she said. “She’ll set me to draw. That’s what she meant by bringing my equipment.”

“Ah, you draw?” I said.

She showed me some pictures of her drawings on her phone. Her work looked quite good to me, though I didn’t have any skills in the area. The best that could be said of me is that I could make precise technical diagrams, but I lacked an eye for artistic composition.

“She sent you, didn’t she?” said Sylvia.

“Yeah”, I said.

“You wanted to stay with her?”

“I did.”

“She’s like that”, she said. “She would do that to me a lot. Sometimes she just ... I don’t know. I think she likes keeping her girls off balance.”

“Why does she do it?” I said. “I didn’t do anything to set her off. She made me feel like I don’t measure up, as if all I do can never be good enough. I wish ... Ah, what’s the use?”

“Look, she’s a bit of a sore topic for me too, ok?” she said. “Especially having you whine about her when you’re ... Mind if we join Oscar and Sampo and talk about something else that’s not her for a change?”

“Sure”, I said. “After all, the world doesn’t begin and end with her.” Now if I could only believe it.

Sampo and Oscar turned out to be alright, though even I realised after a while they were interested in Sylvia, and not much in myself, so she got a lot more attention. I didn’t know if she liked boys in general, or them in particular, but she at least was nice to them, unlike some other people.

I had lunch with those three, though we avoided talking about Fiona. First I tried joining her, but she ignored me as I stood by her with my tray and Kira and Megan laughed at me. I waited there, getting more and more embarrassed, until it was clear she just didn’t want me around. I should have complained, or shouted, or taken a seat anyway, but I felt resigned rather than angry, and the act of quietly complying with her wishes, leaving and looking for another lesser table to join, gave me an odd, intense thrill. Submitting to her this way, perhaps especially when she was mean to me for no reason, I felt my skin tingle. If I thought about it, I knew deep down I wasn’t good enough for her, and I didn’t deserve to sit with her friends. Her attitude just confirmed it, making me feel small, and yearn for her even more. I blushed and pouted, hot flushes went through my body and my legs wobbled as I slowly walked away, trying to understand what it was about her that made me so desperate.

Fiona had scheduled two hours of training. I spent them with Sylvia in the library, doing some homework, worried I wouldn’t be able to do much over the weekend with Clara around. time passed slowly, and I wondered what plans Fiona might have for us two beyond drawing. I wanted to ask Sylvia if she knew anything, but she didn’t want to talk about it. I understood her. After all, I had been too upset to say much at all during lunch, and she had been gentle with me.

Sylvia’s phone beeped. People glared at us, and she rushed to put everything in her backpack. I got my things, though it took me a little longer. Sylvia kept pacing about, wordlessly hurrying me to get it done. I followed her as she ran to the entrance, where we were supposed to meet Fiona, but there was no-one there.

“Why are you so impatient?” I said. “She’s not even here yet.”

“Have you ever been late for her?” she asked.

“Once. She told me never to do it again.”

“Well,” she said, “let’s just say she means it.”

“And now?”

“Now we wait. The rules don’t apply to her, you see.”

I sighed. We waited while scores of girls came out of the school, as their teams and clubs finished, and looked at us wondering what we were doing there. In about a quarter hour, the stream had turned into a trickle, and then to nothing. Fiona still hadn’t come.

“Why do we put up with this again?” I said.

“Put up with what?” I heard from my back. I turned around, and saw Eve and Fiona slowly walking together, with her backpacks on. Their hair was tied up in the back, and damp with sweat.

“I’d like to know myself”, said Fiona.

“Uh I just ... It was really nothing”, I said.

“Is that why you’re blushing?” said Fiona. I got even redder and Eve laughed.

“Come on”, said Eve. “Has the cat got your tongue? Aren’t you going to answer?”

“I’m sorry”, I said, lowering my face. Fiona got so close to me I could feel the warmth from her body. She placed a finger under my chin, forcing my head up, and glared straight at me.

“Sorry?” she said. “So you have something to be sorry for, then.”

My knees felt week, and it almost seemed like Fiona’s finger under my chin was all that was keeping me standing. I felt so mixed up, I couldn’t even tell what was happening inside me. I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to escape the intensity of the situation, and I felt Fiona’s other hand stroking my cheek.

“Calm down, girl. I’m not going to eat you”, she said. “Not unless you want me to.” Her tone was gentle at first, but turned suggestive and playful. Her voice, her touch, the sensation of her breath on my face, it was all too much.

“Pl-please, Fiona. I was only ... I was wondering why you were late”, I said.

“Ah. It’s not fair, is it? I demand you are on time, and here you are, having to wait for me.”

“I’m sorry”, I repeated.

Eve chuckled. I felt Sylvia’s hand stroking my back in support.

“I’m curious if you have worked out the answer yet”, said Fiona.

“Leave her be”, said Sylvia. She spoke softly, but she didn’t tremble.

“Maybe silly Syl should step forward and show her slower classmate the solution”, said Fiona, letting go of my chin. I stumbled for a moment and covered my face with my hands as I blushed even harder.

Eve seemed to be having the time of her life. “Fiona, you’re so mean”, she said, without any real sympathy. “Making these little nerds all fluttery. You should be ashamed of yourself!” Fiona laughed.

Sylvia stepped between me and Eve. Why was Fiona allowing this? Not just that, she was enjoying it.

“Can we go now, please?” said Sylvia, looking at Fiona, acting as if Eve weren’t there.

Fiona looked thoughtful for a moment. She looked at Sylvia, then at me. She sighed.

“Eve, want to come with me this evening? I don’t think these two deserve it”, she said.

“Fiona, I’m sorry”, said Sylvia. “I--”

“How sorry are you?” said Fiona.

“Please, not here”, said Sylvia. Now she was trembling and looking at Fiona’s sneakers.

Fiona placed her hands over Sylvia’s shoulders and pushed down, making her kneel. Eve took out her phone, giggling.

“How do pets say sorry?” said Fiona.

“On their--our--knees”, said Sylvia. She didn’t sound anything like herself.

“And how do they show it?” said Fiona, with malice.

“Please, not ... in front of her?” said Sylvia.

Fiona grabbed Sylvia’s hair and started pulling. She resisted for a moment, but then she allowed herself to go on all fours in front of Fiona’s running shoes. She lowered her head, slowly, as if hoping Fiona would stop her. Then Sylvia’s lips touched the toe of her right shoe and Eve’s phone made a snapping sound.

“Good girl, now kiss”, said Fiona.

The sound of Sylvia kissing the shoe made me feel ashamed for her. I should have done something to stop this. I was just as powerless as Sylvia, though. Eve kept taking photos and giggling.

I had started it all by making that stupid quip, and Sylvia was paying for my mistake. If it was even a mistake. Fiona was getting to me. There was no reason why I shouldn’t have said that.

“One to go”, said Fiona. She didn’t even sound harsh. Just firm, and maybe even a little mischievous.

In spite of myself, I wondered what it would be like to be made to kiss Fiona’s shoes, though the thought of doing so in front of Eve ... I couldn’t deny I was getting excited, though. Fortunately I had a lot of experience in hiding that.

Sylvia made a little whine, as if she were going to protest, but she crawled back and moved her head to Fiona’s left shoe. She lay her lips on the toe, and gave it a quick kiss.

“Hmm, that kiss wasn’t loud enough”, said Fiona. “Try again.”

“Pl-please no?” said Sylvia.

Fiona raised her right shoe over Fiona’s head, trod on her, and forced her face against her left shoe’s top.

“You can do better for me, pet”, she said.

I heard Sylvia’s kiss this time. Fiona kept her right shoe over her head, and she went on kissing, even nuzzling the top of her left shoe. Eve was cackling, looking for good angles to take pictures from.

“No more!” said Sylvia.

Fiona immediately moved her shoe from Sylvia’s head and stepped back.

“Why do you have to be on time for me, while I can make you wait for as long as I want?” she said. She sounded like a patient teacher checking whether an unpromising, slow student had absorbed the lesson.

“Because--because we are not equals”, said Sylvia.

“Not equals how?” she said.

“I am ... I am beneath you, Fiona. You are above me”, said Sylvia.

“That’s quite obvious at the moment, shoe kisser. Eve, phone, please”, she said.

Eve looked disappointed, but she turned her phone over to Fiona. She fiddle with it for a few seconds, while Sylvia stood up. I hadn’t been able to do anything for her, but I could at least give her a hug. I felt her embrace me back, and saw her face was flushed, though at least she hadn’t been crying.

“Thanks for taking these. I’ll keep copies, but I’m sure you understand my pets’ images belong to me”, said Fiona.

Eve sighed. “Well, at least that was fun. And you?” She pointed at me. “I went too far the other day, I’m sorry.”

My mouth fell open from surprise.

“Uh, thanks?” I said. I wondered if she meant it, though at least it was something.

“You don’t have to sound so shocked”, said Fiona. “See you soon, Eve. Now, let’s go. I have plans for you lot.”

We got in the back of the car, following Fiona’s orders, and I awkwardly stretched my hand towards Sylvia, seeking comfort, and perhaps hoping to give her some, as Fiona drove us to her place. She responded in kind, and we quietly held hands the whole way through. It helped some. I felt guilty and a bit worried. A part of me hoped Fiona would be gentle with me, and another part ... wanted something else. It didn’t matter, though; she would do precisely as she pleased.

Fiona parked in the garage and we followed her in. I couldn’t speak for Sylvia, but I was pretty nervous. I had just that morning wondered what I was to Fiona, if anything, and I might be about to find out. What she had done in front of Eve seemed a lot more blatant than anything else we’d done in public, even if poor Sylvia had got the worst of it.

Fiona took us to the living room, where her parents were sitting, with a bottle of wine and a book each, reading together. They looked comfortable with each other. If it hadn’t felt somehow wrong, I might have called them a cute couple, but they were too solid and self-assured for the word to fit.

“Hi, Mum, Dad”, said Fiona. “I’ll be downstairs with my friends.”

“Hello, Sylvia”, said Mr Esmonde. “It’s been a while.”

“Yes, sir”, she said, a little embarrassed.

“And welcome back to you too, Amanda”, said Fiona’s mother.

“Thank you, Aideen”, I said. Sylvia was surprised to hear me use her name.

“Fiona, I’d like to discuss something with you in my study. It will not take long, girls”, said Aideen.

“Can’t it wait, Mum?” said Fiona. “I have guests.”

“You must of course please yourself,” said Aideen, “though I can’t imagine your father will misplace your guests in the few minutes I intend to use.”

Goodness. If one of my relatives got that formal it would be a very, very bad sign. Fiona took it in stride, though she complied. We sat by Mr Esmonde and had a quiet chat while we waited. It turned out he knew of Sylvia’s drawing, and encouraged her to take it further. She had her materials with her, as Fiona had ordered.

Aideen had been right. It didn’t take them both long to come back. As I stood up to leave, Aideen approached me, and after making sure I wouldn’t object, gave me a warm hug. I wasn’t really expecting it, and I saw Sylvia look back at us, displeased.

We went downstairs. Fiona hadn’t showed me that part of her house during the weekend, as I’d slept in her room, but they had a huge cellar. Taking the opportunity, she gave me the tour, though Sylvia had seen it all before. They had an area for wine and other bottles, a tiny room she said had been intended for a live-in maid they never hired, and a sort of apartment enclosed by a thick, sound-proof door.

“This is where I usually bring people when we have a sleep-over”, said Fiona. “My parents designed it so it’s really well insulated. We don’t bother anyone, no matter how loud, and they don’t bother us either.”

“Wow”, I said. “This is a really amazing place.”

“So where did Amanda sleep?” said Sylvia.

“Where do you think, silly Syl?” said Fiona, chuckling, and making Sylvia blush.

The apartment included a generous living room, with a comfortable sofa for three, beanbags on the floor, a couple of tables, a TV and a sound system with large speakers. On one of the corners there was a small kitchen area with an electric cooker, an oven, a microwave, a combined fridge and freezer, and a sink. There were even some cupboards, though space was limited. By the kitchen there was a counter with stools. Through doors on either end of one of the walls, there were two bedrooms with two king-size beds each, and decent, if not excessive, wardrobes. In the middle of them, there was a bathroom with a shower and a big bath I yearned to try.

“You could have masses of people here”, I said, envious. My room was tiny, and my entire flat probably fit in that living room.

“Eight people quite comfortably”, said Fiona. “Two on each bed. When we were kids, often we piled three. It’s not really intended for permanent use, though. For one thing, it has no natural light. I did convince my parents to set up AC and heating, so it’s at least not impossible to freshen up.”

She opened a door and showed us a surprisingly empty storage area. There were hoops all around the walls, and a large wardrobe with a big lock.

“This is the dungeon”, said Fiona, smirking. “I keep my ... toys here, and it’s where pets go when they’ve been bad. Isn’t it, Syl?”

“Y-yes, Fiona, but--”

“Don’t worry, sweetie. You’re not going in there today”, she said. “Not unless you make a real effort.”

Sylvia looked ridiculously relieved.

“Your parents know?” I asked.

“I guess”, said Fiona. “It’s not like I keep it a secret, though I don’t invite them to play sessions either, as you can imagine.”

She unlocked and opened the wardrobe and took out a few things including two leather collars and two sheets of paper.

“How about, you know, in school? How much do people know?” I said.

“Ah, I’m glad you’re thinking things through”, said Fiona. “Kira and Megan know. Eve and a couple others think they know, though they’ve never seen this, and never will. The others? They just know I’m bossy and I somehow get meek girls to do silly things for me.”

“But if you’ve played with a lot of people--” I said.

“Believe me”, said Sylvia. “None of us is going to want to talk about it, except maybe to other sisters. We’re the last to want it to come out.”

“And there’s the pictures”, said Fiona, pointing at the wardrobe.

“And that”, said Sylvia, resigned.

After Fiona showed us around, we went back to the living room area, and she sat on the sofa, patting the places by her sides.

“Sit by me, girls. Now, you know what this is all about, Sylvia, but Amanda doesn’t, so be patient”, said Fiona.

She passed each of us a collar and one of the sheets of paper. I kept touching it, wondering about it. Would it feel weird around my neck? Did I even want to wear it?

“These are temporary, play collars”, said Fiona. “What I’m offering you is just a game, Amanda. You asked me the other day if you were my little pet nerd, do you remember?”

“Yes”, I said. “That’s what Eve called me.”

“Right, and she doesn’t know shit”, said Fiona. “One day you could be my pet. One day...” She coughed. “Well, what I’m saying is you have no obligation to obey me right now.”

“So what are we now?” I said.

“We’re friends, Amanda. I thought you knew that!” she said.

“Are we?”

“Do you want me to stop being friendly so you can see the difference?” she said, sharply.

“No, I mean ... Today you were--”

“I see. This is not the time, but we’ll discuss that later if you want.”

“And the things you told me to do?” I said.

“I’ve gone over this before”, said Fiona. “I’m not going to make you do anything. Now, the truth is I’m bossy, and you’re a meek little people-pleaser. Or in other words, I’m dominant, and you’re submissive. Isn’t that right?” I blushed. “So adorable, too! You like doing things for me, don’t you? That’s just how it is. So I’m offering you the chance to play at being my pet, so we get to know each other better and have fun, but it’s a game. A very intense game, but only a game. There are rules, and it still doesn’t make you my pet for real. Got it?”

“And her?” I said, looking at Sylvia.

“I’m not ... not her pet anymore”, said Sylvia, pouting. Fiona stroked her hair, and Sylvia sighed with pleasure. “God, I miss this so much.” Fiona laughed.

“That’s right, and you’d love to play again, wouldn’t you, silly? Otherwise you wouldn’t have acted like my pet and let me toy with you in front of Eve.”

“Yes, Fiona.”

“How much?” Fiona placed her hand on Sylvia’s mouth, and she began to kiss it.

“This much, Fiona. Please.”

Fiona giggled.

“Read that, Amanda. It’s our agreement during play. I’ll be teasing little Syl here in the meantime. If you accept it, you can join her. You’re not required to do it. You’ll be my friend whether you do it or not. It really isn’t a trick of any kind.”

“Except the poor girl is completely ensnared already”, said Sylvia. Fiona snorted.

I probably was. I felt more and more drawn by the thought of being Fiona’s. After she had taken such good care of me, I felt I needed her, and the way she had treated me in school, so distant, so forceful, it only added to it. I had simply submitted to her dismissive, dominant attitude, which did make me lower than her. Something inside me, servile and humble, reacted to her as if we were perfectly matched. So why not admit to her what I had already admitted to myself? Even being ignored and belittled by her got me excited. Of course, it wasn’t so easy. Fiona must have known how I felt, or at least suspected, after the things she got me to do, but acknowledging it was hard. It wasn’t only the humiliation of recognising someone as a superior: I yearned for Fiona’s approval and respect, and I was afraid if I became her pet I could never get those.

I read the sheet, hoping it would help me find an answer. On Fiona’s other side, Sylvia was gasping and moaning as she was touched and teased, increasing my arousal. The paper was headed “Fiona’s rules for play pets”.

1. During the game, you are Fiona’s pet. She will call you pet, or anything else she wants. You will call her Fiona, or Miss, or anything else she demands.

Fiona’s pet. Yes, I wanted to be Fiona’s pet. At least I wanted to try it. Miss sounded good. I wanted to try saying it. Yes, Miss; please, Miss. What would she call me? Would she call me Mandy again? I blushed. I wanted her to. No, what was I saying? I...

2. The game ends at the agreed time, when Fiona says so or when you remove your collar. If you remove your collar without her permission she may decide not to play with you this way again. You may ask permission at any time. You may be denied permission, but will not be punished for asking.

It sounded quite reasonable. There was a definite term, and at worst I could break out, though I wouldn’t like Miss to be disappointed, or to lose the chance to play again, but it was a last resort.

3. As a pet, you must obey Fiona to the best of your ability. You must not do anything that isn’t safe. If you do, you will not be played with again, ever.

So she would still be taking care of me. I wanted it. I wanted to obey her. The thought of it made me tingle between my legs. I wanted her to tell me to do things and to have no choice but to comply. Not that I had refused her anything, but I wanted to be forced not to, and to be hers. Her pet. Miss Fiona’s faithful pet.

4. You agree that Fiona is entitled to command you, bind you, and hurt you, in safe ways that do not cause permanent harm, in order to punish you, train you, use you, or simply to amuse herself.

Goodness. Hurt me? No, yes ... goodness, I didn’t know. I wanted it. I suspected it would feel so good if it came from her. Anything she did would feel good. My cousins ... I hated it when they did it. Could I really bear it? Being trained and used, she had already been doing that, and I loved it. Amusing her by smelling her socks almost made me come. I wouldn’t want to be punished, though; I wanted to be a good, obedient pet for Miss.

5. There are no safe words. You are not entitled to stop anything done to you, other than by stopping play altogether. You may refuse, beg, or argue. You may and probably will be punished for doing so.

“Uh, what are safe words?” I asked.

“You’re such an innocent, aren’t you?” said Fiona. “It’s an agreed word you can use to stop something you don’t want. I don’t use them, though. If you want to play with me, you have to choose all or nothing.”

That was harsh. It also made me give a little moan. Being made to submit, having no choice, placed under Fiona’s gentle, playful whims ... I squirmed and licked my lips. My breath sped up, as I heard Sylvia squeak with delight.

6. Remember the object of this game: pleasure. Not just for you, not just for Fiona. Trust her, obey her, please her, and you will enjoy it, pet.

“Fiona? May I play?” I said.

“Kneel at my feet, pet, and call me Miss.”

I stood up and my legs could barely support my weight. I sat on the floor right where I was, crawled to Fiona’s feet, and there I knelt, submissively looking up at her.

“Miss, may I play?”

“You’re not ‘I’, you’re a pet.”

I blushed. How stupid could I be? I couldn’t even get this right.

“Miss, may your pet play, please?”

“The game ends at nine. Write it in and sign”, she said, throwing a pen on the floor I had to pick up by her shoe.

I sat on my heels and placed the sheet on my lap, filling in the time, the pet’s name as Amanda Rossi, and signing it with a shaky, uncertain hand. I looked up again at Fiona and saw her warmly smiling at me. Nothing like the aggressive, sneering expression I feared. I began to soften under her gaze, and settled down a little. We were only playing. She was in charge of me, and that felt good. I simply had to obey and she would make sure we would enjoy it.

“Good girl, Mandy.” Goodness, it felt so different when she said it! “Now look into my eyes, and put on the collar.”

I looked up at her, and placed the leather around my neck. It felt a little constraining, but not unbearably tight. I fitted the two ends together, and heard the metal clasp close with a loud snap that made my fingers tremble. I was hers now. I quickly lowered my gaze, not knowing what to expect.

“Now hold the pen in your mouth, hands behind your head, and crawl to Sylvia so she can sign hers”, she said. Her tone was kind, but unyielding, just like when she had made me smell her socks, and the thought I wasn’t allowed to disobey kept me simmering.

I looked at Fiona as I complied with her instructions, showing her my vulnerability. As I crawled in front of Sylvia, Fiona raised her foot and stroked my cheek with the dirty sole of her running shoe, making me moan and squirm. I pressed my legs together as I felt myself shudder. She smirked at me, and continued smearing the rubber sole on my face, as if daring me to object or resist.

“S-sylvia, here you are...” I said, my words blurred by the pen I held with my mouth.

Sylvia looked terribly amused, and it made me feel even lower. Even another pet was superior to me.

“Closer, Mandy”, said Sylvia. I didn’t want her to call me that, but hearing it from Fiona had prepared me for it. I had to lean forward, with my head practically on her lap. With my hands behind my head I found it hard to keep balance, and she giggled at my clumsiness. She took the pen out of my mouth and used the back of my head to prop her sheet as she filled it in, pressing my face between her legs and playing with my ear. I wanted to look at Fiona, to see if she approved, but Sylvia held me by the ear when I tried to move.

“Now, now, Mandy. Be a good writing desk”, she said. “Furniture doesn’t move.”