Chapter 6: Passing Tests

Fiona’s diary:

It had been a great weekend, in spite of everything. True, it hadn’t gone quite according to plan, but I could see that Amanda was definitely interested in me, and her personality made her deliciously sweet and compliant. She glowed with my approval and yearned to please me, which was just how I liked my pets. She also seemed to like my feet, though it may have only been her sense of inferiority and her desire to serve me which made her act that way. It was enough, though: I didn’t need someone who liked them, just someone who was so much into me she would agree to do wonderful things to them whenever I demanded it.

As I arrived at school, I saw little Mandy at the entrance. She’d come by bus, as usual. It was amazing to see her reaction when she saw me: such a look of intense longing she gave me, I wanted to make her yield then and there, taking her down to the ground and ravaging her. Of course, it wasn’t the place, and so I simply pretended to pass by her like I didn’t notice her, just to enjoy the desperation and disappointment in her face, and her giddy smile of relief as I finally stopped and waved.

“Oh, good morning, Amanda! I was so distracted I hadn’t seen you”, I said. “I can be a bit out of it on Monday mornings.”

She wanted to tell me off. I could see it. In the end, though, she just smiled shyly and walked by me. Boys and girls streamed around us, gossiping and chattering, and soon the entire school would know Amanda was my friend, and under my protection. It was necessary to clarify that early on, before the Eves of the world got on her case.

Nothing of note happened in class. We went out for our break and I kept an eye out for Amanda, feeling a bit too much like an overprotective parent. I was relieved when she made it out without incident and joined our clique: Kira, Megan and me.

She was a little uncomfortable at first, especially when it became clear that, for Kira and Megan, Amanda was just an extension of me. They weren’t particularly interested in what she had to say, and would interrupt her and ignore her the few times she would dare to speak up. I wanted to change that, eventually, but it depended on Amanda more than anything else. If she wanted to be taken more seriously, she needed to be more confident and assertive. In the meantime, they’d tolerate her because they knew she belonged to me, but wouldn’t see much point in getting to know her.

Then Eve showed up. She’d always been on the edge of my clique, what some called sarcastically the inner circle. She saw the four of us talking and walked towards us. I was curious how she’d handle it. She greeted us all, Amanda included, and I went along and acted like nothing had happened. I hadn’t given Amanda any guidance on this, and I was happy to see her look at me with hesitation and take her cues from my own behaviour. There would be plenty of time for an apology later, but Eve had to see I stood by my word: it was over.

Amanda did her best to be friendly to Eve in spite of everything. I would have to reward her for that. I noticed she was not as shy and uncertain as she had been before we met, and I was glad to see that change. I usually had that effect on my pets, and while I found devotion and subservience attractive, it was even more attractive when it was directed to me alone. It was wonderful to have someone desperately seeking my approval but confident enough to stand up to everyone else. Amanda was still far from that, but I was amazed she could talk to Eve without fear. It hadn’t made her any less attentive to me, either. If anything, she kept glancing at me, laughing at my jokes, and nodding as I made a point. I, of course, took her for granted.

In a way, Eve had helped me, though I had no intention of telling her. By bullying Amanda, she gave me an opportunity to show I would protect her, making it less likely others would abuse her. It also put Amanda in my debt, and made her feel grateful, sheltered and dependent on me. Moreover, it now gave Amanda an opportunity to confront a bully, which was something she had clear difficulties with, from an unassailable position of safety. Perhaps if Amanda could stand up to Eve, she would begin believing she wasn’t a victim, which would make her less of one. Hopefully it would extend to whoever she had that nightmare about, assuming that was still going on.

Eve talked to us only for a while. Perhaps she didn’t want to risk overstaying her welcome. After she left, Sylvia, one of my previous nerd girlfriends, approached us. Rather, she approached Amanda directly.

“Hi, Syl”, I said. “Have you met Amanda?”

“I think she should know what she’s getting into”, she replied.

Sylvia had gone a long way from the mousy quiet girl I had got involved with. She still hang around with a lot of the same people, but she had gained confidence and poise, thanks to me, and was no longer bothered by the sort of insecurities Amanda felt about herself. Unlike my other girlfriends, who kept in good terms with me and were grateful for my help after it was over, Sylvia didn’t want to admit what I had done to her was for the best. She kept warning people about me, and I would have been annoyed if I didn’t find it a little endearing. She was so stuck on me she couldn’t help telling everyone what a naughty, bossy, manipulative girl I was. It wasn’t particularly effective, and so I just let it happen and amused myself condescending to her about it.

“So, want to tell Amanda what a bad, bad girl I am? Considering none of you nerds stood by her or befriended her, though she’s truly one of you, I’m sure it’s just her best interests you’re concerned with now I got involved and done something about it”, I said, giggling. Amanda blushed a little, being talked over like that, but that just made it even better.

“How about you let her speak for herself?” asked Sylvia.

“Pleased to meet you, Syl--” said Amanda.

“It’s Sylvia”, she said.

“Sylvia,” she said, quietly but firmly, “Fiona has a point. You never talked to me until now, but if you want to, sure, let’s talk. Maybe we can get to know each other and be friends.”

Sylvia held Amanda’s unresisting hand and walked off. She was talking at top speed, and though I couldn’t hear a word she said, I was sure she was ranting about me. Amanda had given her a chance to make friends, but all she wanted was to tell her all about how bad I was. What a waste.

“Do you think she’ll scare her away?” asked Kira.

“Are you kidding!” I replied. “She’s like a faithful puppy, and she’s all mine. She would hardly breathe if I told her I didn’t like it”, I said, exaggerating only a little.

“So are you going to demonstrate her talents any time soon? Remember what happens this weekend”, she said, smirking at me.

Megan looked puzzled, but didn’t interrupt.

“Well, I’m not sure she’s quite ready yet”, I said. “Probably next week.” In fact, I didn’t think I would have her submitting to my feet so quickly, if ever, and it would take longer for her to be willing to do it for Kira. On the other hand, there were signs that she might actually like it, so it might turn out easier than I feared.

“Fiona’s going to lose our bet”, said Kira, giggling. “Fiona’s a loser! Fiona’s a loser!” she chanted.

“Oh shush you!” I said. “You still have to prove it to me, and don’t believe for a second I’m going to just take your word for it. I want to be there for it all and experience it first hand, or foot, so to speak.”

“What on earth are you two on about?” asked Megan.

“Come to my place on Saturday and find out!” said Kira, impatient to share her accomplishment. Damn, it really looked like she had won, and I couldn’t even imagine who was her target.

“What the hell? Why not?” said Megan. “Whatever it is, seeing you snipe each other about it looks fun.”

“Not as much fun as it’s going to be to see my demonstration, and Fiona’s oh-so-superior astonished face!” she said.

Amanda and Sylvia got back. Sylvia looked disappointed, and Amanda was unreadable, something rare for her. I usually found it easy to tell how she was feeling. She stood by my side, and tentatively touched my hand, wondering if I’d let her hold it. I remembered she had been a good girl about Eve, and passively allowed her to hold hands, without going as far as encouraging her. Sylvia sighed.

“I don’t know why I bother”, she said. “They never listen.”

“Me neither. Has it ever occurred to you if I were as horrible as you say you’d never dare do what you’re doing, because I would make your pointless little life unbearable?” I asked.

“I’m ... I’m not saying you’re evil”, said Sylvia, looking at Amanda for support and finding none. “It’s just ... You take over, you know? Whoever you get involved with, they’re just a tool to you. Sure you don’t go out of your way to hurt them but--”

“I don’t remember you complaining when I forced you to finish that coursework, or when I made sure you showed your work to Miss Edison. I can’t see how helping you do your best is treating you like a tool. Tell me I wasn’t looking out for your interests, silly Syl”, I said.

“Don’t call me silly, come on!” she said.

“Do you prefer the things I called you in private then?” I said with a wide smile. “Shall I use those instead?”

“No, Fiona, please!” She blushed. Pets were always so endearing and easy. Once I sank my claws on someone, they rarely fully escaped.

“Who are you then?” I demanded.

“I’m ... I hate you!” Her voice when quiet and indistinct. “I’m silly Syl.”

Amanda looked a bit shocked, and only then I remembered her own dislike for being called Mandy. I thought it wasn’t the same, but she still hadn’t told me what it was all about, so what did I know?

“Better. How about you come to my place, Syl? We haven’t had fun in a while”, I told Sylvia, toying with her.

She sighed again, wanting to resist, but knowing she wanted to be around me too much for that.

“Of course if you don’t want to, well, more fun for the two of us!” I said, looking at Amanda. I knew Sylvia would be too jealous to bear the thought.

“Uh, sorry, I have a few things on. Is it ok if I come on Wednesday?” she said, looking away.

“Sure, my little sweetling”, I cooed. Kira and Megan were laughing, and even Amanda was amused.

“Why are you inviting her?” asked Amanda. “She tells some pretty horrible stories about you.”

“It’s just sweet little silly Syl’s clumsy way to demand my attention”, isn’t that right, Syl?” I asked, getting closer to Sylvia and looking down at her.

“Uh it’s ... not like that! I just wanted to...”

“Because she’s desperate for being my favourite playtoy again, isn’t that right?” I added, shoving her. “Isn’t. That. Right?”

“Fiona, please!” she begged.

“Still, Sylvia has her skills”, I said, making it sound like I was talking about sex. In reality, she was very good at drawing, and I wanted to get her to do something with me and Amanda together. “Bring your equipment.”

“Oh”, she said, disappointed. “Is it for that?”

“What were you hoping, girl?” I asked, chuckling. “I may give you a reward if you’re good, though.”

Sylvia blushed and scampered away. I knew she would come. She loved drawing, and it gave her the opportunity to look at me closely. Of course, having Amanda cuddled up to me would make it such a torment for her. In the end it was Sylvia’s jealousy and her transparent ploys to keep me to herself alone which destroyed any chance for us. No-one told me what to do or claimed me like that, much less someone who was lucky I even notice them. I was glad to see Amanda wasn’t showing any signs of jealousy, though she didn’t look entirely happy. There were thoughts in that cute head of hers I’d have to ask her about.

“How does she do it?” asked Amanda.

“Do what?” I asked.

“You know, just tell everyone what to do and get your own way all the time. How does it work?” she said.

“Because she really believes in herself”, said Kira. “Fiona sees herself as some sort of empress, and knows everything would be better if people just followed her orders. The thing is, she’s not wrong much of the time.” Her tone softened. “I mean, sure she takes advantage, but she does care about people deep down.” I had been there for her through some very difficult times, before her pig of a father got what he deserved, just as she had helped me when things got too much for me and I got destructive.

“So if she’s an empress, what does that make you?” asked Amanda.

“I’d like to think I’m an equal. The ruling queen from a foreign country, or something like that”, said Kira. “Let’s be real, though: Fiona doesn’t do equality. She probably sees me as some kind of high-ranked advisor, entitled to respect and honour so long as I follow her lead.”

Disturbingly accurate, but I couldn’t let it stand.

“So, between us four ... How much Game of Thrones have you been watching to come up with something like that?” I asked. “It sounds almost like you’ve been nerding up for a moment like this.” I chuckled.

“And what if I have?” she asked. “Daenerys knows what’s what. Makes everyone kiss her feet, too.”

“Well, just in case anyone gets the wrong idea, I’m not going to be kissing Fiona’s feet any time soon”, said Megan, joking, but with a slight edge.

Kira was right, but I couldn’t count on Megan’s support if she thought I felt that way about her. Kira herself was strong enough she didn’t care how I saw her. After all, what I thought didn’t change who she was. Megan was more of a follower, though, and, because of that, she resented being seen as one. I resorted to theatre.

“Bow before me!” I declaimed, standing upright and drawing all my presence. “I am Empress Fiona Esmonde, Mother to Dragons.”

There were a few seconds of silence while Kira and Megan looked at each other, astounded, and Amanda looked into my eyes quietly pledging her submission. Her face was adorable, as she split herself between finding it ridiculous and wanting to yield to my command. I gave her a gentle smile, which let her see it for the performance it all was, and she began to laugh, setting Kira and Megan off. I loved her laughter when she forgot herself, so joyful, free and open. An amused girl, lost in the moment, having fun. It took a lot for me not to hug and kiss the precious thing. Yes, I was getting much stronger feelings than usual, much faster.

“Wow, for a moment she looked like she was going to do it”, said Megan, referring to Amanda.

“Oh my!” said Amanda. “That gave me goose bumps. Are you in drama?”

“No time”, I said. “It’s something I’d love to try out after I graduate, though.”

“Just what we needed, a genuine drama queen”, said Megan.

My parents hugged me when I got home from school. I trained on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and so I was a little sweaty, which father always made a joke about. He liked calling me his dirty girl. Mother just asked me if anything interesting had happened while they were away.

I told them a bit about Amanda, while we had tea and scones, and they said their conference had gone well and told me a few funny anecdotes.

“So when are we going to meet Amanda?” asked Mother.

“Tomorrow or the day after, at the latest”, I said. “She had stuff to do at home today, but I hope she’ll be coming around a lot.”

“Let me guess”, said Father. “She’s small, light, has an expressive face, is clever, and follows you like a puppy.”

“Uh, yes?” I said. My parents hadn’t ever criticised or interfered with my arrangements, but lately it seemed they were getting a bit disappointed with the constant flow of girlfriends. “This one’s different, though”, I said. “She’s so sweet.”

“How many times did you say that?” asked Mother.

“Are you meddling?” I asked. “I thought it was all up to me.”

“Not meddling, Fiona”, said Father. Damn, they were teaming up. They must have talked about this, which meant something must really have bothered them. I wasn’t hugely worried about pleasing my parents, but I trusted their judgement, and if they thought I was making a mistake, they were worth listening to.

“Advice isn’t meddling. We have to wonder if you may be looking for the wrong thing”, said Mother. “After all you keep drawing water from the same well, and it never quenches your thirst.”

Was I doing that? I thought I was just following my own desires. I even justified it to myself by the way I left my girlfriends better than I got them: calmer, happier, and more confident. But If I kept looking for something ... Maybe I was the one who wasn’t happy...

“Mum, that’s going to take some thought”, I said. “I ... I don’t know. Amanda really is different though. I barely got to meet her and we are already so close. It’s as if we were made for each other.”

“Right, so you’ve told her this, of course”, Father said.

“What? Of course not!” Damn, they had me cornered.

“Why not?” asked Mother, in an all too reasonable tone.

“Because ... That’s not how the game is played, right? You don’t want to spook the grouse.”