Chapter 4: The Past Never Goes Away

Fiona’s diary:

I woke up in the middle of the night, with Amanda wriggling under my body and mumbling words I couldn’t understand. I was confused for a moment, but realised she was still asleep. I stroked her cheek and whispered her name, but she kept whining and moving around.

“Let me go, please!” she said. “I’m not ... Stop it! It hurts! Mandy is being a good girl...”

Fuck. She was having some kind of nightmare. I suspected the feeling of me holding her wasn’t helping, but if I let her loose I might get an elbow to the face, or she might fall off the bed, as hard as she was flailing.

“Amanda, you’re safe with me. I’m Fiona, your friend. Trust me. Relax. Rest. I’ll take care of you”, I said in a calm, soothing voice as I stroked her hair. She seemed to quiet down a little, but she was still breathing hard and sighing.

“I’ll tell grandmother! I ... no, please! I am sorry!”

It was breaking my heart. She was shivering, and she seemed on the edge of crying. Her voice sounded like that of a much younger girl, a bit like it did when I had tickled her. Hopefully I hadn’t brought back those memories.

“Amanda, listen to me. I am Fiona”, I said, outloud and more firmly, still stroking her. “Be still now. You know I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you safe. It’s only a bad dream.”

“Yes”, she said, still in the nightmare’s grip. “I’ll tell Fiona. She’ll ... she’ll rescue me ... No, you can’t hurt her...”

I didn’t want to wake her up, if nothing else because I didn’t want her to remember. The little I could follow sounded really bad. I didn’t want her to feel embarrassed for her nightmare, or beat herself up because she had woken me. This, at least, was not at all her fault. I kept stroking her and began to hum a soft, quiet lullaby my mum used to sing to me back when I was a small child. Bit by bit her breath slowed down, and finally she lay still and went back to normal sleep. I found it a little harder to do so. Giving her shelter made me feel good, though. I had done my part, and she rested safe in my arms.

Still, I had to wonder if Amanda might be too messed up for me to handle. Sure, I had been quite pushy with her, placing her in awkward situations to check her reactions and make everything more intense. People bonded a lot faster that way, and I wanted her attached to me as soon as possible. She hadn’t taken it very well, breaking down twice in one day. Perhaps I should take things slower with her, or give up. That thought, giving up on her, felt unbearable. I couldn’t have fallen in love with her in a matter of days, could I? Probably not, but clearly I had feelings. Bonding went both ways, after all.

I wasn’t going to get that sorted in my head cuddling Amanda in the middle of the night, so I did my best to relax and at last I managed to get back to sleep.

The next time I woke up it was day already, and I felt Amanda nuzzling the palm of my hand. She was still asleep, and I chuckled at her unconscious gesture of affection. My reassurance seemed to have driven her nightmares away, at least during that night, though I was worried about someone hurting her. That stuff she said about her grandmother made it sound like it may have been a relative.

“Good morning, Amanda dear”, I said. “Wake up!”

I felt her slowly shake herself awake and make a little lazy moan I found adorable. I thought I’d have to call her again, but she yawned and nodded, still sleepy. I still had my hand by her face, and she gave my fingertips a little kiss. Certainly a good way to start the day!

“Morning, Fiona. I sleep so well with you”, she said, then blushed when she realised what she had said. I couldn’t help giggling, knowing she had actually had a nightmare, but I was glad she didn’t remember it.

“I just mean--”

“Don’t worry. I’m glad you do. I like it too”, I said. I was blushing too? This girl was turning me upside down.

“Oh, really? I thought it was just me”, she said, turning to smile at me. “Breakfast?”

“Sure”, I replied, getting up. “There’s a little thing you could help me with, though, if that’s alright.”

“Of course. I’d love to help.”

I picked up the socks I had worn the day before from under the bed, still barefoot and in my nightie. “I wonder if I can put on these socks again, or if they’re too smelly and need a wash”, I said.

“Uh ... Why do you need my help for that?” asked Amanda.

“Well, this may be a bit embarrassing, but I’m kind of used to my own smell, you know? I run and exercise a lot, and when I’ve just played a match ... Let’s say my feet don’t smell exactly like roses. So I’m worried I’m so used to it I won’t really notice if they’re stinky. But if you smelled them for me, you could give me an unbiased opinion.”

Amanda looked at the socks with the strangest expression. She seemed sceptical, but somehow curious about my request. Chances she liked my feet went up. Way up.

“I ... I mean ... Are you ... M-maybe ... I mean if you really want to, I--” she said, completely flustered.

“Hush, don’t be embarrassed, little one”, I said, smiling. I stroked her hair with my left hand, held her by the back of her head, and pressed one of my dirty socks on her face with my right. “Give it a good sniff and tell me if it is dirty.”

I expected her to refuse, wriggle out, or perhaps take a token little sniff, but she closed her eyes and complied, taking a deep, slow breath as I swiped different parts of the crusty fabric on her nose. It got me so excited to make her submit. I had to made sure she didn’t notice my body shiver with pleasure.

“So, how is it?” I asked. “does it need a wash?”

“Well, it’s not absolutely terrible”, she said. “Still, maybe you could do with a change.” She kept her eyes closed and began to get restless.

“Now let’s do the other one”, I said, changing sock and pushing it on her.

“Why?” she asked. “That’s just silly. It’s going to be the same.”

“Let’s just make sure. Come on, don’t be difficult. Nice, deep long breath, just like before.”

I was observing Amanda closely, ready to let up if she got upset, but she seemed more confused than anything else. She was such a good girl for me, she just sighed and gave the sock a proper whiff. Goodness, this was getting me so hot.

“They’re about the same, really”, she said.

“Does one smell more than the other?” I asked.

“I ... I don’t think so. They’re really very similar”, she said. “This is getting weird.”

“You sure? Maybe you should give them another check...” I asked, playfully.

“Fiona ... Come on”, she whined.

“Would you be embarrassed to be my friend if I wore these, then, do you think?” I asked.

“Don’t be silly”, she said. “I don’t think I could be embarrassed to be your friend, ever.”

How could she be so sweet! I hugged her, which made her open her eyes and smile. She was shorter than me, so it was easy for me to give her a kiss on her forehead.

“Such a sweetie”, I said. “Hmm, you smell like my feet now”, I joked.

“What! Are you serious?” she asked, blushing.

“No, silly!” I said. “I was just teasing you. Be a dear and put them on for me, then”, I said, sitting on the bed and passing her my pair of used socks.

“You’re not going to wash them now after all, I see”, she said. She knelt on the floor at my feet, and carefully rolled them up for me. She gave my feet a little pat and asked, “Is that it? Is Fiona nice and comfy now?”

I smiled at her, satisfied. “Well, you could give them a little kiss, too”, I said.

“Yeah, sure I could, buuuut I don’t think I will”, she said, sticking out her tongue at me. I so much wanted to wipe my sock on it, but it wasn’t the time. In fact I really liked how easily she was taking things. She was far more playful and confident today. Perhaps that nightmare had helped her release some of her worries.

She got up and pulled me by the ear, then began to skip.

“Break-fast! Break-fast!” she said, in a childish sing-song.

She was so damn cute. I stood up, gave her another hug and held her hand.

“Ok, little Amanda wants her brekky! Let’s go before she gets cranky”, I said.

I had a cooked breakfast while Amanda ate her cereal. She cooked for me, though she didn’t want that much food herself. She didn’t even mind me interrupting her with new requests like more toast, or another boiled egg. I could do the basics, but I didn’t really enjoy cooking and it was so much nicer to just ask for what I wanted and get Amanda to do it. I could definitely get used to having my own little kitchen elf, and it seemed to make her happy, too. She looked at me with a satisfied smile as I ate her food and complimented her on it, so both of us seemed to enjoy the arrangement.

Her phoned beeped and she stopped eating for a moment to check.

“My parents texted me”, she said. “They say I have to be home by noon.”

“Ugh, I was hoping you would stay with me the whole weekend and I’d just take you to school tomorrow”, I said. “Why did they change their mind?”

“I have chores”, she said. “They need me to help out.”

“Aren’t they the adults?” I asked.

“Yeah, well, not everyone can afford ... Never mind”, she said, annoyed.

“Sorry, Amanda. I’m just frustrated about cutting our weekend short”, I replied, not wanting to make her feel bad about her parents’ situation. There were enough other ways I was above her that adding family wealth to the mix would only make her resentful, and it wasn’t like she had chosen them. “Do you think they’d mind if I stay with you a little?”

“I don’t know”, she said, in the evasive way she always spoke about her family.

“I’ll help you with chores, if you want”, I said, surprising myself.

“What? No, you don’t have to do that, Fiona, but thanks for offering”, she replied. “I was wondering though--”

“Yeah?” I asked.

“I ... I know it’s asking a lot but c-could I maybe come next weekend, too?” she asked.

Damn. I was going to have to tell her no, and I could see how it had cost her to risk my rejection.

“I’m sorry, Amanda. Yesterday Kira asked me to stay at her place”, I said. Her face fell. “I’d love to spend more time with you, though. Maybe the weekend after, if you can make it?”

“Oh, alright. Yeah, maybe. I’ll see what I can do”, she said, pouting.

“Come on”, I said. “You know--”

“Yeah, I get it. You have a billion friends and I’m just insignificant little Amanda Nobody.”

I sighed and tried not to get angry. She was hurt, and she didn’t know how to deal with it. Even being that sharp to me must have taken a lot of courage and trust that I wouldn’t squash her. She’d left herself open to me just saying she was right, and never to come back or bother me again. That trust deserved some patience on my part.

“Amanda, I asked you here. I told you that you’re welcome to come back for the next one I’m free. What more do you want? I’m not going to stop having other friends just because you ... I’m sorry. I know it was hard to ask. I assure you if I hadn’t arranged it with Kira I’d be thrilled for you to come.” A little exaggeration never did anyone any harm. Or was it really?