Chapter 16: Learning to Fall

Amanda’s diary:

I woke up to a text from Fiona telling me to bring sturdy outdoor clothes. I didn’t have a lot of those, so at least the choice was obvious. I wished she had told me the day before, but I managed to pack everything I would need for the weekend with enough time left for breakfast.

My parents looked better. Mum in particular was a lot more cheerful. She was humming and smiling. It was a big change from their weary faces a couple of days ago, and I wanted to believe that getting my problems sorted was at least part of the reason.

“Hi, Mum”, I said as I poured my cereal. “Morning, Dad.”

“Morning, Mandy--sorry, Amanda”, said Dad.

It didn’t even bother me. Well, not much. Of course I had learned to put up with it from my parents, but I still found it annoying and belittling. It seemed like Fiona was getting me used to hearing it in a neutral or positive way, though. Who knew? Maybe I’d end up liking it.

Anyway, I nodded at him. He kept eating, but now and then he was looking at Mum, bemused. It seemed I wasn’t the only one to notice the change in her. She was in such a good mood I felt it was the time to push a little.

“Uh, Mum, I was wondering, did you have the chance to think about Fiona coming for New Year?” I said.

“Heiko?” she said.

“It’s your family”, he said. “All I’d point out is, Amanda has been doing a lot better since Fiona came into the picture. Other than her little lapse last weekend--”

“You call that little?” she said.

“Yes, Lucia”, he said. “All in all, even Clara says the laptop was an accident, and that text was just girls fooling around. It rubs me the wrong way to admit it, but Fiona’s done our girl a lot of good, and I was completely wrong in wanting to separate them. A few months ago, something like last weekend would have ended up with Amanda shut in her room crying, paging through one of those thick non-standard analysis books, or whatever the hell she’s nerding on these days. Instead, she comes home with friends, she has a date, and she’s spending time at their place. Don’t tell me that’s not a difference for the better.”

I didn’t really enjoy how my parents talked about me as if I weren’t there, but at least it let me get a sense of what they were thinking. I could see Mum was a little surprise at Dad’s change of mind about Fiona. She had thought she was good for me right from the start, but he seemed to have got over his initial objections.

“Alright, Amanda”, she said. “Fiona can come with us.” I smiled. “So long as your cousins don’t mind.”

I wanted to tear my hair out and scream.

“Er, Mum--”

“It’s settled”, she said. “No whining.”

“Why should they get a say?” I said. “I never did when they brought people. It’s not like Grandmother doesn’t have enough space for us all.”

“Because I say so”, said Mum.

Heiko snorted.

“Come, Lucia. The girl has a point.”

“Because of Roxana, if you must know”, she said. “That’s not something to talk about in front of her, though.”

Dad sighed. He looked weary again.

“Go to school, Amanda”, he said, gently. “It’s almost time for your bus.”

“Yes, Dad”, I said. I looked at Mum, looking for the words to make things better, but failing to find anything that would help.

“It’s alright, Amanda”, she said. “You’ll understand when you’re--”

“Older?” I barely held myself from throwing the cereal bowl to the floor. “Perhaps when I’m eighty?”

“I’m sorry, sweetie”, she said. She stood up and hugged me. “You’re not the only one who can get in a muddle, Amanda. We all make mistakes, and do things we don’t feel proud of.”

I wanted to wriggle out of her embrace, but she needed me to accept it, and I wasn’t going to add to my mum’s distress. It hurt to know how much she hid from me, but perhaps she was doing her best.

“Does Fiona play?” she said. “It would be nice if she has some sort of talent to entertain. You know how your grandmother loves that.”

“Yeah”, I said. “We’re preparing the Wexford Carol for New Year.” Mum gulped. “It’s an ancient Irish song. Lots of ornaments in the arrangement we’re doing.”

“Wait”, said Dad. “You’re singing then?”

“And playing”, I said. “Fiona’s on the recorder.”

“Oh, but then what do you play?” he said.

Really? How could they have forgotten?

“Um, Dad? I play the violin, of course. Aideen--Fiona’s mum--has one, and has been letting me use it.”

Mum and Dad looked at each other. They were upset, and I couldn’t understand why.

“Come on!” I said. “You can’t mind me playing, after all these years.”

“No, Amanda”, he said. “We’re ... delighted, and surprised, you are doing so again.” His voice sounded a little choked.

Why did they look like that, then?

“She really deserves an explanation”, he said.

“What she deserves is--ah, what’s the use”, said Mum, beginning to sniffle. “Ask us next week, when you’re back. I suppose you should know, and maybe you won’t hate us for it.” She pointed at the wall clock.

That would have to do, until we had the chance to talk. I got my school things and my weekend bag. As I made my way out, I heard Mum crying and Dad trying to comfort her. I’d no idea what I had stirred up. I ran to the bus stop, and got on it barely in time. The driver glared at me, as it was the second day in a row I was late. I apologised and took the first empty seat.

I thought about that mysterious conversation for a while, but soon the anticipation of meeting Fiona won over my attempt to understand my parents, and I went back to those daydreams of serving her, in ever more demeaning ways. I got so entranced by those fantasies, I was surprised when we arrived at school. My things were a bit too heavy, so I slowly made my way out of the bus, wondering what Fiona had planned for us both, and looking forward to meeting her.

I saw Fiona at last, making her way towards me. Once more she ignored my presence, but by now I was used to her teasing. She would pretend to notice me at the last moment. Except she didn’t. She passed by me, without even a word or a glance. Just when I thought I had started to understand her, she turned me all upside down again.

She must have enjoyed seeing my longing for her. It had to be such a rush to casually ignore me, knowing that I would only want her more, and wonder what I’d done wrong or how I’d fallen short. I couldn’t help it, either. Whenever she did that to me, I felt small and unworthy. I couldn’t easily work my own mind out, but I had to admit there was something inside me which responded to that sense of inferiority and insufficiency. I liked the way my desires pulled against each other, tearing me apart between my yearning for her, wanting to beg for her attention, and my need for dignity and respect. The tension left me so confused. The conflict inside me made choosing much harder, opening me up even further to her influence, and taking me into a more receptive, susceptible state. If she only turned back and smiled at me, what would I not do for her? I didn’t like how easy she found me to toy with, but there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I quietly trailed along behind her, looking for my courage to speak to her. Just a simple greeting, to get her to admit I existed.

“Uh, Fiona?” I said, not daring to call her attention by tapping her shoulder. “Um, I’m Amanda ... G-good morning?”

My words were quiet and hesitant, and she didn’t show the least reaction to them. As softly as I had spoken, she could have said she hadn’t heard, but I knew better. She kept walking, and I managed to speak out again, repeating my greeting a little louder, to the same effect.

She went to her locker to leave her training gear, turned back, and patted my cheek, with an amused smile on her face.

“Morning, silly Mandy”, she said.

I blushed and looked down. She chuckled, stroking my hair.

“Missed me?” she said. “It’s been a whole night without me.”

“You’re mean”, I said, with a pout on my face.

She laughed.

“Oh, Mandy”, she said. “You don’t want to see mean from me, believe me.”

“Did I ... do anything wrong? Are we still spending the weekend together?”

She placed a finger under my chin and raised my head, making me look up to her.

“I’m giving you a taste of what it is to be mine”, she said. “It is not, and cannot, always be easy. This weekend there will be more of that.”

I shivered, and she laughed at my reaction.

“Poor Mandy”, she said. “Let’s play a little game. I won’t acknowledge you for the rest of the day. I wonder how long it will take you to look for me again and quietly beg for my favour, even knowing you will be beneath my notice until we leave home.”

“Uh, a game?” I said. “So what happens if I lose?”

“When you lose”, she corrected. “You’ll get a little task as a forfeit. Something simple, but mildly demeaning.”

The way she started laughing at me, I must have looked horrified.

“Uh, alright; and if I win?”

“I expect the satisfaction of surprising me wouldn’t be enough”, she said.

“That’d not be very fair.”

“I’ll never let Eve play with you, ever”, she said. “My word on it.”

Now that was something worth aiming for. I nodded.

“Let the games begin”, she said.

She walked away on a straight line, shoving me, as if I were not there. A part of me wanted to cry from humiliation. Being treated like that could not be right. Still, I so much wanted to go back for more, to be with her, to see her and hear her voice. I felt the desire to chase after her and offer her my shameful pleading, just for her amusement. Then the bell rang and I realised I had been standing there by the lockers like an idiot. I left my things and ran to class, fearing a scolding. If only she could be the one to berate me ... Goodness, I had to get myself in gear before my nonsense got out of hand.

When I got to class, Miss Carlson told me off, to the delight of some of my classmates. They snickered as I got more and more flustered, on the edge of crying. I couldn’t help wondering if any of them had witnessed that little scene by the lockers and had been telling stories. My insecurity conjured up images of everyone gossiping about me, calling me Fiona’s pet. The worst was, those thoughts only made me more excited. The more ashamed I felt at my meekness, the more my desire for Fiona grew, making me want to go to her and grovel, just to look at her smug, amused face as she saw the confirmation of my servile nature. Now that I knew she loved me, and that all secrets standing between us had been spoken, resisting her was proving more than I could manage. It was as if I had an itch I couldn’t scratch myself, that only she could reach. Fortunately, Miss Carlson realised her words had hit their mark, perhaps harder than she had intended, and she allowed me to take my seat and quieted everyone down.

The lesson went on, and I realised from the reactions of those around me I had been worrying needlessly. Those laughing at me would have laughed at anyone. I just happened to be their entertainment for that day. Knowing I wasn’t some sort of school joke made it easier to focus. Only a few more hours, and I could be with Fiona again. I would wait her out.

My resolved failed as soon as we went out for the break. I saw her with Kira and Megan, at one of the yard’s corners, and I felt her pull getting stronger. I knew she wanted me to lose, though she would also be proud of me if I didn’t. She wanted to see my helpless eyes imploring her for something I knew she would not grant me. I walked in her direction, pretending to myself I would turn before I got there, but of course I soon found myself surrounded by the three girls. She must have told them something, because they also ignored me. Megan might have done that anyway, but Kira would at least have greeted me.

I looked at Fiona, wondering what to say or do. What more did she want? There she had me, proving her ascendency over me. I had come to her, knowing in advance I wouldn’t even rate a smile or a nod.

“Hey, Fiona”, said Kira. “One of your shoes is loose.”

Fiona looked at her shoes and nodded.

“Someone could tie it for me”, she said, carefully not looking at anyone in particular. She moved forward her left shoe, with the loose laces. “Imagine I had a little invisible servant to follow me everywhere and take care of menial chores like that.” She tapped her toe on the ground, and both her friends laughed.

I blushed, knowing what she was after. I just didn’t know if I was willing to go that far, but before I could realise it, I was taking my place opposite her, kneeling at her feet. I looked down as Megan and Kira giggled at my performance, flanking Fiona and moving towards me, wanting to see my humiliation up close. I tried to get it done as quickly as possible, but then Fiona spoke.

“If someone bothers, it should be nice and tight”, she said. “I don’t want to have to tie it again in half an hour.”

I sighed, getting further giggles from Megan. Fiona just stood there, looking past me and making me crave a kind gesture or a little touch, but I knew all I would get was the satisfaction of pleasing her, by showing how much I desperately wanted her, and how far--or low--I would go for her sake. I quietly redid the knot, making sure to get it right this time.

She got a sweet, opened it, and dropped the wrapper on the ground. She didn’t even have to say it. I knew what was expected, and I picked up after her, to Megan’s delight.

“Looks like you got what you want, as usual”, said Kira.

“Yeah”, said Fiona. “A shoe-tying servant. Now it’s no longer wanted, though. Nothing left for it to do.”

I got up, with my eyes on the ground, avoiding everyone’s gaze, and left as Megan’s cackles taunted me.

Sylvia, Oscar and Sampo welcomed me. At least there were no status or dominance games with them. Rose was there, too, which was nice, because I hoped I could get to know her a little before the coming weekend. I didn’t want her first impression of me to be whatever Fiona ended up making me do, and I had little doubt I would be powerless to deny her anything.

“Amanda,” said Sampo, “I’d like to discuss something with you.”

“Not now”, said Sylvia.

“But we--” he said.

“Sampo, not now”, she said. “Amanda, I need the loo. Will you come with me?”

I nodded, and followed her to the toilet. She looked for an empty stall, waved me in, closed the door and hugged me.

“Are you alright, sweetie?” she said.

Goodness, had I been that obvious?

“I’m ... it hurts, Sylvia. I want her so much, but--”

She kept embracing me, cooing at me.

“Poor darling”, she said. “I told you she was difficult.”

“Please, don’t?”

“Sorry, you’re right”, she said. “I shouldn’t have.”

“Why is she that way? I’m so confused. I just want her to ... Fuck, I feel helpless.”

Sylvia sighed.

“It’s just how she is, Amanda. It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

I took a few slow breaths, trying to come to terms with all the emotions going on inside me: shame, fear, regret; but also excitement, lust, and something I couldn’t put a name to. That elusive feeling was the warmth of belonging to someone, of knowing she was in charge, would take care of me, and was ultimately responsible. It was constraining, but also peaceful and safe. Being someone’s meant I at least had some use. What I feared the most was ending up becoming smaller, the way my cousins had made me. They’d torn me down, stopping me from learning, improving, and growing by choosing to act and gaining new experiences. I thought Fiona wouldn’t do that to me, but I could no longer tell. I felt utterly crushed right then.

“I’m scared”, I said. It was hard to admit, but it was the truth. “I feel out of control.”

“You’re not in control”, she said. “She is. The question is, do you trust her? There are bad things about her, but she really does know what she’s doing. Looking back, I’m the better for it all, much as I hate to say it.”

So it came down to that, in the end. How could I not trust her? What I wasn’t so sure about was myself. I knew how broken I was, and Fiona didn’t seem to know her own strength against me. She intended to take me to a good destination, but was I in the right condition to travel her road?

“Better?” said Sylvia.

“Better. Thanks, Syl.”

“Will I ever get you to call me Sylvia?” she said. She had a smile on her face, though.

“You don’t seem to mind it that much”, I said, opening the door and walking out.

“I don’t, really, when it’s well-meant; and you don’t have a mean bone in your body.”

I chuckled. Sometimes I wished I did, but it simply wasn’t me.

We joined the others, and they were kind enough not to pry, but it was obvious they knew something was up. Good thing I wasn’t an actress, or a spy. I’d be a miserable failure at either.

To my surprise, no-one seemed to be laughing or pointing at me. I reminded myself there were other things going on at school than my personal drama, and that it wasn’t all about me, but I still found it odd. Either what I did wasn’t such an unusual sight as I thought, which didn’t ring true, because I’d never seen anything like it in the yard, or no-one had been paying attention.

At lunch I had another chance to choose between dignity and submission. I held my tray and looked around. There was Fiona’s table, with the usual suspects and Rose opposite Megan, and Syl’s where I knew I would be warmly welcome. Step by step my uncertainty grew. I seemed to be walking in quicksand. Until the last moment, I kept telling myself I would turn away, but I didn’t. So there I was, tray in hand, opposite Fiona, begging for a seat. She took another mouthful, looking everywhere but at me.

“You know what would be lovely?” said Fiona to Kira.

“What?” said Kira, also pretending I didn’t exist.

“Someone could clear our table when we leave”, said Fiona. “That way we don’t have to bother with it ourselves.”

Megan snorted.

“No-one would do that”, she said. “What sort of person would pick up after someone else like that?”

“Oh, you might be surprised”, said Fiona. “As to what sort of person? Perhaps a lowly slave, or a devoted plaything. That sort of thing.”

“Well, we’ll see”, said Megan. “It sure would be convenient.”

They went back to their own conversation. I noticed Rose was blushing, probably wondering what was going on and if anything like that would ever be done to her. I gave her a nod, and a fragile smile, in solidarity. Just a little gesture, but as much as I could manage. I carefully turned away, and joined the other table, keeping an eye on Fiona’s.

“Look, Amanda”, said Sampo. “I just wanted to tell you--”

“Sampo, can’t you let her be today?” said Sylvia.

“But it’s important! I really enjoyed our date, and I think you’re cute and smart, but I don’t think I can handle whatever you have going on with Fiona.”

“That makes two of us”, I said, almost mumbling.

“So, are you sticking with me, then?” he said.

I shook my head.

“I’m sorry”, I said. “I just ... I can’t.”

Sampo sighed, and looked at me, observing every part of my face, as if already building the memories of someone he’d be leaving behind.

“I wish I could”, he said. “I’m just an ordinary boy, though. I want ... you know, the normal things everyone wants.”

“Thanks for calling us abnormal”, said Syl. “Really appreciate that in friends.”

He looked at her, realising what he’d said and how it didn’t only apply to me.

“You know what I mean”, he said. “This is just ... too complicated.”

“Never mind”, I said. “I hope we can still be friends, though?”

Perhaps he had been fearing a much worse reaction, because he gave me a really wide smile. His relief was obvious, and I wondered what sort of scene he thought I’d be making. At worst, I’d have quietly cried, and gone away to do so by myself. Not very pleasant, but hardly the end of the world. The truth was, though, I hadn’t felt that raw attraction to him during our date. I thought we might have made something work with a little effort, but if he wasn’t interested, neither was I. Today I’d seen the difference between my feelings for him and Fiona as starkly as I could imagine, and making the opposite choice hadn’t even crossed my mind for a second.

“Sure!” he said. “Friends.”

Everyone relaxed after that and we had a nice chat. I found out nobody was interested in my particular area of maths, but both Oscar and Sampo were working on calculus and geometry in their own time, beyond the school’s curriculum. Oscar wanted to be an engineer, so the three of them complemented each other quite nicely. Sylvia was the most artistic, but the three of them enjoyed drawing and thinking up interesting and beautiful shapes for things. They were surprised, but receptive, when I offered them a hand if they ever got stuck. Those weren’t my favourite parts of maths, but I had learned them pretty much inside out, at least at the level they were studying. Sylvia proposed to help me understand taste and the visual arts in return. I wondered to myself if something like that could be taught, but if it could, I wanted to try.

We had all finished eating, and I realised they were waiting for me. I couldn’t leave until Fiona’s table did, though, and I shyly told them to go on without me. They were a little disappointed, but they didn’t pry about why I was staying.

Only a few minutes before the end of the lunch period, Fiona and her group got up and left, not even giving me a glance. Their trays remained on the table. One of the ladies in charge of our meals pointed and glared. Before she had to do anything, I got up and made sure to clear everything out.

“You didn’t have to do that, sweetie”, she said.

“It was my pleasure, Miss”, I said, blushing.

“Awww, isn’t she cute?” said another of the ladies. “Really, though, it’s up to each student to clear their own trays. thanks for that.”

“She looks so skinny. Do you want to volunteer to help with the meals? We can get you some extra food if you’re struggling at home.”

I was really embarrassed. It wasn’t a bad guess on their part, but I felt awkward enough about my body shape and financial situation as it was.

“Uh, no, Miss”, I said. “Thanks for the tip. It’s just ... that’s how I’m built.”

“Respectful, sweet little thing, isn’t she?”

“Sure is. One in a thousand.”

They chuckled, and gently shooed me away. I looked at my phone and realised Fiona had sat so long I was in danger of being late for class again. I had to run through the corridors, and heard people laughing behind me. Whether they had seen Fiona toying with me, or they were just amused at the tiny girl scurrying and panting, was more than I could say.

I was completely out of breath by the time I sat down, but I managed to avoid being late this time. I wondered if Fiona had waited there on purpose to make me run, and my little fantasy machine started whirring at the thought. I hated running, but being forced into it by Fiona’s arbitrary whim might be the thing that made me enjoy it. Clearly, I couldn’t deny to myself I liked what she was doing to me, but I didn’t want to be such a pushover. How could I get things done if I couldn’t ever stand up for myself? I hoped to be able to discuss some of that during the weekend. I badly needed guidance about what to expect from her if she accepted me as hers.

Finally, the bell rang for the last time that week. People were looking forward to getting out of school, back home, or to their clubs or activities, and everyone rushed out at once. I had to wait for Fiona’s training to end anyway, so I let others through while the corridors cleared.

The closer our meeting got, the more excited I became. After a difficult day, I was desperate for Fiona to acknowledge me again. I had to admit that proverb about absence making the heart grow fonder might have some truth to it. The way she had treated me had only increased my desire to be with her, and she probably had planned on that. Seen that way, it might even be regarded as a kindness on her part, to make things more intense between us. For the first time, I wondered if doing this to me, and the way I’d reacted to it, had got her just as excited as I was. If so, things could get explosive, hopefully in a good way.

I took the time to do some coursework at the library, wanting to leave the weekend as free as possible for other things. I hadn’t been told what Fiona had planned--though I was sure she had something in mind--but I wanted to be entirely at her disposal, for whatever she desired. I didn’t particularly like having to wait for her to finish her activities. It felt too much like being a kid waiting for a parent to pick me up from school. However, until I had better things to do with my time, or found a solution to my lack of car and driving licence, I’d have to go on this way.

At last my phone beeped, indicating it was time to go. I was getting out when Fiona texted me, telling me to see her by the lockers. I made my way, feeling fluttery with anticipation.

I had to wait a couple of minutes there while she arrived. It was obvious she had been exercising hard, but the way she moved was still full of energy. She looked at me, smiled, and my heart melted for her. I returned her a tentative, shy smile, after all she’d done to me today, and did my best not to sniffle. To see that obvious sign of regard after being ignored and belittled for so long really got to me.

She approached me and embraced me. I leaned on her, knowing she’d never let me fall, and let her strong body comfort me. I felt the heat coming out of her, and she faintly smelled of sweat, but, if anything, that only enhanced my attraction. She wiped her damp fingers on my hair, making me gasp. She was still smiling down at me. Her expression was warm, but turned a little teasing.

“You’ve been such a good girl for me today”, she said.

“Thank you, Fiona”, I said, wanting to call her Miss, but feeling too insecure to do it.

She cupped my cheek with her hand. It was such a good fit. I nestled back against it, enjoying her touch. Her skin was hot and sticky, but I loved how it clung to mine.

“Pick my things up and follow me”, she said, slowly releasing me from her embrace.

She had given me another opportunity to serve her, and only then I remembered I could say no. Everything that had happened today had been entirely up to me, though refusing hadn’t really come to mind. That was my fault. Her hug hadn’t made me any less willing to obey her. If anything, gratitude played on her side, too, and so I nodded, getting excited. Carrying things was pretty ordinary, but doing it for her, doing it to please her, doing it because she said so ... it felt so different.

I got all our things from both our lockers, after she opened hers for me: both our book bags, my weekend bag, and her gym bag. I slowly walked behind her, burdened with about as much weight as I was able to handle, and we walked towards her car.

She opened the boot, and I placed everything there, groaning with relief. I got in and sat by her, and she giggled at me panting.

“Nice little donkey I got myself”, she said, making me blush.

“Fiona, please”, I said.

“Tell me you don’t like it.”

I sighed. “Perhaps I shouldn’t like it.”

“Alright”, she said, starting the car. “You’re being silly now. It doesn’t hurt anyone, so what’s the problem?”

“Not sure I can explain. I want to be something more to you than that. Don’t want to end up reduced to ... you know, what my cousins made me into.”

“Amanda?”

“Yes?”

“You know you are. Much more. You know I’m nothing like them. Now I just feel like slapping you down and telling you to quit being a dummy, but this obviously bothers you, right?”

“It does, yes. I’m sorry.”

“Alright”, she said. “We’ll talk about it. First, though, there’s a lot I want to show you. We’ve barely played together, and I want you to know what it’s like before you make up your mind, so you decide from knowledge, rather than ignorance. Is that ok?”

Was she really asking?

“Of course, Fiona”, I said. “You know I’m not good at telling you no.”

“Because you’re my good girl”, she said. “Good girls love to please.”

I blushed, barely restraining a little moan, and she chuckled. She opened the garage, parked the car, and told me to carry everything to her room.

“Yes, Fiona”, were my inevitable words.

I picked all our bags and followed Fiona into the house. She went into the living room and told me to get her a glass of water when I was done.

“Yes, Mistress”, I muttered sarcastically to myself. “Your slave hears and obeys.” It was probably for the best she didn’t hear it.

I unburdened myself from the bags, and fetched her a glass of cool water from the kitchen. She was sitting on the sofa, still wearing her running shoes.

“Listen carefully now”, she said. “Is there anything urgent we need to talk about?”