Chapter 15: Training Wheels

From Amanda’s diary:

Dear diary,

As soon as I woke up, my mind went back to yesterday evening. At first I remembered the shame and humiliation of being caught doing something wrong. It wasn’t just the fact of liking feet, though that was bad enough. I had tried to take advantage of Fiona, my best friend, to satisfy my perverted urges without her consent. That was simply not right, and I was so lucky that she had forgiven me for it. Even when she admitted it was a setup, the choice to attempt to smell her feet in secret had been all mine. If I couldn’t help myself, I should have simply confessed it all to her. It would all have gone so much better, too, knowing that she wasn’t disgusted at me for it. Of course, I hadn’t known that then, but I had agreed to be sincere with Fiona, as the bedrock of our friendship, relationship, or whatever we had, and I felt I had failed her badly.

My reaction to being discovered had also been ridiculous. I had reasons to get upset, but I had been so childish about it. I should have known that Fiona would at least be more understanding than I feared, though I still felt that I was undeserving of her kindness. To hold me and shelter me through that breakdown, and to go as far as revealing her own desires ... I wasn’t worthy of that. Hearing that she loved me, on top of it all, had been an entirely unexpected joy, so much so I still had trouble believing it.

The insecure part of me, the not-so-little nagging judge and critic who always told me I was too small and insignificant, too weak, too ugly, too slow and imprecise in my proofs, too clumsy ... the inescapable voice who had believed every last poisonous statement my cousins and schoolmates had ever said about me, and repeated them to me in the worst possible moment, bolstered with perfect knowledge of my every failure and disappointment for its evidence, and formed into the best arguments I could build, kept insisting Fiona had just told me that to console me and get me out of that silly tantrum. The problem was, I knew Fiona for a person of her word, as she had reminded me only yesterday. She might deceive or mislead an enemy, or misdirect someone in service of a higher goal, but I couldn’t imagine her fabricating a love declaration to someone as devoted to her as she knew me to be.

That was the other thing I was unsure about. After she told me how transparent I had been regarding what I thought was my most closely guarded secret, it seemed impossible to me she didn’t know I loved her, but what if she didn’t? Imagining myself in her place, it would be so painful to admit my love for someone and not have them respond in kind. At least I would hope to receive some sort of clarity on it, and whether it could ever go anywhere. For someone as proud and independent as Fiona, exposing that weakness would probably hurt even more, especially since that same dignity wouldn’t let her ask me for an answer. That would feel too much like lowering herself, after having taken the risk of making the first move already.

My mind had not been clear when it happened, but I had been completely selfish, heedless of Fiona’s needs and vulnerability. Even if she knew that I loved her, didn’t she have the right to expect something more from me on the way of reassurance? Aideen had emphasised to me how strongly Fiona could feel about things, and I had given her no comfort, after blithely receiving hers.

I had to do better. Fiona had given me her trust, her help, and her love, and though I had failed her in so many ways, all I could do now was trying harder, working at becoming worthy of her. That meant, most of all, being honest with her. I owed her to stop keeping secrets from her, to rely on her kindness and judgement rather than my fears, and to tell her, at last, how much she meant to me.

After that time she had made Sylvia admit we were not her equals, and that conversation I had with Aideen about it, I had been trying to work things out in my head. I realised that, much as I wanted to deny it, there were differences between us. I longed to please her and yearned for her approval in ways that she didn’t, and her presence made me feel safe and protected. It was no coincidence I kept fantasising of myself as her slave. I wasn’t quite ready to say I was beneath her as a result, but perhaps that was only my stubborn pride, or my unexamined prejudices speaking.

I sighed, and got ready for school. My bruises were definitely fading, though still visible, and probably would disappear entirely some time during the weekend. I looked at my clothes, trying to find a good combination that made me look nice, and gave up. There was not much I could do. I was simply ordinary, and would remain so no matter what I wore. After a few minutes of dithering I grabbed the first things I found that didn’t clash, and went to have breakfast.

“Morning”, I said to Mum and Dad. I started eating in a hurry, as I had taken longer to dress than usual.

“Good morning, Amanda”, said Dad. “Date today, yes?”

I nodded.

“I wish you were dating that Fiona girl instead”, said Mum. “Anyway, Grandmother Aurora’s sent us the usual invitation for New Year.”

She tapped an open envelope on the table. Grandmother Aurora was extremely traditional about some things.

“Wait, Mum”, I said. “You mean it? You’d rather I date a girl?”

“I’d rather you date the person you love, sweetie”, she said. “Whoever they happen to be.”

“And at least a girl can’t get you pregnant”, said Dad.

I laughed, but Mum glared at him.

“That’s not funny”, she said.

“So why is she laughing?” he said.

“Ugh, you’re as bad as each other”, she said, holding her coffee cup and sipping slowly.

“It’s alright, Mum”, I said. “I’ve worked out a way to have Fiona’s babies anyway.” Dad had food in his mouth and started coughing from the unexpected laughter, turning red.

I snickered, and Mum gave me a fond look. It reminded me of my grandmother at the best of times, when I surprised her by saying something clever, and that brought me back to thinking about her invitation.

I very much wanted to see my grandmother. Moreover, Mum would expect me to go. I couldn’t go without Fiona, though. Not after the way Clara had treated me.

“Uh, Mum?”

“What is it this time?” she said. She was still smiling, though, so it wasn’t as curt as it sounded.

“I was wondering ... Could Fiona come with us to Grandmother’s?”

She looked at Dad.

“I’m finding this very confusing, Amanda”, she said. “One day you tell me you love Fiona, another day you’re dating a boy, and now you want to bring her to a family event. It’s true your cousins took boyfriends now and then, but you say you’re not girlfriends. Help us make some sense of all this.”

And what a good joke that was. Like I could make any more sense of it myself.

“Look, I’ll ... I’ll try”, I said. “I’m only learning, ok? I don’t understand everything. What I know is Fiona loves me--”

“You know this?” said Dad.

“She said so.”

“Alright”, he said, looking at his watch. “I’m sorry, Amanda. We have to be going now.” He got up and started clearing out the dishes.

“Mum?”

“I don’t know, Amanda”, she said.

“Mum, please!”

“I said I don’t know!” She got up herself and got her coat on. “I’ll think about it. I want to talk to her myself.”

I thought of being alone with my cousins, and the things they might do to me if I had no-one to defend me. I looked down, felt my breath go uneven, and wanted to cry.

“Come on, Lucia”, said Dad. “We’re out of time.”

“Have a good day, darling”, said Mum.

They both left to work, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

What if Mother didn’t let her come? Would she let me go with her instead? It didn’t seem too likely. Thinking about it, I realised I would have to trust Fiona to solve this, just as she had solved so many other things for me. I would have to explain the difficulty and rely on her to sort it out. That was, after all, the decision I had made earlier. Asking her for help with this was one more step on the path towards admitting my dependence on her, though. I wished I had the competence to deal with all my problems, but, like it or not, she had proven a lot better at it. I felt torn. I wanted her to see me as strong and capable, someone worthy of respect, and, at the same time, to be taken care of by her. I was in such a muddle. Still, what else could I do?

A noise from the fridge startled me and I realised I had been sitting there doing nothing, and I would have to run or miss the bus. Great, Amanda. Such a good way to start the day.

I managed to barely catch the bus and make it to school on time. I looked for Sylvia or Fiona, but Sylvia found me instead.

“Hey, Amanda!” she said, tapping my shoulder and making me jump. “Isn’t your date today?”

“Uh, yeah. You startled me.”

“Sorry”, she said. “Are you planning to wear that?” She sounded disapproving.

“I guess”, I said. “I don’t see that it’s going to make a lot of difference.”

She sighed.

“Up to you”, she said. “Oh, look. Sampo.”

I looked where she suggested and saw him looking back. It seemed he was interested after all, nice clothing or not. As I turned, I noticed one of the very pretty girls looking at us, too. She didn’t seem friendly.

“Hey”, I said. “Who’s she?” I was still new to school and didn’t remember too many names.

I was about to point, but Sylvia followed my gaze and gently stopped my hand from making the gesture.

“That’s Stacy”, she said. “You don’t want to cross her or she’ll make your life hell.”

I laughed, remembering how she’d tried to convince me not to get involved with Fiona, too.

“No”, she said. “I mean it. Fiona can be difficult, believe it or not; but Stacy’s a nightmare.”

“Worse than Eve?” I said.

“About as bad, only Stacy expects you to thank her for it.”

Then Fiona arrived. I wanted to tell her everything, but it wasn’t the time or the place. It would have to wait. At least she didn’t seem annoyed with me, so she must have really meant all she’d said yesterday.

Perhaps she wasn’t very convinced about my clothes either, because she suggested Sampo could pick me up at home, so we could choose something different to wear. She’d also said they’d help me prepare for it. The idea sounded good, though I was worried he wouldn’t like the change. Sylvia didn’t think it would be a problem. She even offered to tell him for me. I was about to accept, but Fiona said I had to do it myself, and I saw her point. I supposed it was time for me to grow up and overcome my shyness. I only wished I could have taken that first step about something less stressful.

Class went so slowly. My personal life was becoming far too interesting. I kept switching from thinking about my date, to trying to work out the words to declare my love to Fiona. She had been so eloquent, lying on that bathroom floor, with me in a mess in her arms. As far as I knew, it had been completely unprepared, and she’d made me feel like she had unveiled her soul to me. I could never forget some of those words. How she wanted to help me get stronger and fly free, and how she hoped I’d want to submit to her without losing myself. She called me adorable, clever and kind ... She even worried that I wasn’t ready to make the choice to be hers so soon after she had come to my rescue.

I wondered what she might have come up with if she’d had the time for it. Poetry? I could never express myself with such elegance, but I could at least be sincere. I wanted her to know how much she meant to me, how strongly I desired her, and how grateful I was to her. I’d also started trying to come to terms with the thought of being hers the way she wanted me to: her toy, her possession, her plaything ... I couldn’t deny how the thought of submitting to her stirred something inside me, even if I was conflicted about it. Watching Sylvia’s drawings had made me so excited, all I wanted was to fall on my knees and ask Fiona to take me and use me however she wished. Did that make me inferior? Perhaps not, but it couldn’t simply be ignored. Could I be hers the way we both seemed to want, without it making me lesser, without becoming smaller? Could a girlfriend also serve? Could a pet also be listened to and regarded as worthy of respect? When I managed to tell her I loved her, I would have to find a way to speak of this, too.

When I wasn’t thinking of Fiona, I kept fretting about my date. I shared a couple of classes with Sampo and I noticed we were both quite distracted, looking at each other looking at each other. At some point it all became too much and I started to laugh inside, barely restraining myself from doing so outloud. After all, I had barely talked to the boy. In the worst case, if we didn’t suit, it wouldn’t be such a big tragedy for either of us. For me it was a bit of an experiment. I wanted to know what dates were like, preferably before I had one with Fiona, if I ever did. If I screwed things up, I didn’t want it to be with her. The other thing was, I wanted to see what a boy would do for me. I just couldn’t tell without trying it, could I?

The bell announced the break, and I went out, this time looking for Sampo rather than Fiona. I couldn’t help keeping track of her anyway, and I noticed she wasn’t with her usual clique. Instead, she went everywhere, talking to different little groups. I doubted I would have been welcome to tag along anyway.

I made my way to Sampo, and though I had made light of it before, finding it amusing, I still felt anxious about talking to him. My knees were trembling a little, and I felt a weird sensation on the soles of my feet. He was talking to Oscar, and so I had to ask him to come with me for a moment so we could speak in private.

“So, hey”, I said. My voice sounded a lot more confident than I was.

“Uh, hi, Amanda...” he said. “You’re not cancelling, are you?” He sounded as nervous as I felt.

“Oh, of course not!” I said. “I was just wondering ... I would kind of like to change clothes after school, so could you pick me up at home, instead?”

He smiled with relief, and nodded.

“Sure! No problem. Where do you live, and what time?”

We exchanged phone numbers, and I sent my flat’s address to his phone so he could get there. I gave myself an hour to get back from school and get ready. I didn’t have that many clothes to choose from, so it shouldn’t take us that long.

“I’ll be there”, he said. “I just wonder ... what’s the deal with Fiona and you?”

I blushed.

“Er, maybe we could discuss that another time?” I said.

“I’d rather our date be about us, you see”, he said, sounding reasonable.

“I’m ... I like her a lot, ok?” I said.

“Like her how, like, friend-like or--”

“I...” I looked at the ground, unable to hold Sampo’s gaze. “I want to be together with her, like, girlfriends.”

He got a little closer to me and patted my shoulder.

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with that, Amanda”, he said. “I just need to know what to expect. I mean, do we have any chances or...”

I raised my eyes to his again, and felt a twinge of attraction. He was kind, and that mattered a lot to me.

“She has no objection to us”, I said. “The only thing is ... at some point she and I may get involved and--”

“And we’d have to stop?”

“No”, I said. “She really doesn’t mind, but she expects to ... well, be informed and ... decide what happens.”

He shook his head, confused.

“Wow, that’s...” he said. “I guess I’ll have to work out how I feel about that.”

At least he wasn’t saying no straightaway.

“Yeah”, I said. “I know it’s a little strange, but ... What can I do? I’m up to trying things with you, but she means a lot to me, too.”

He nodded.

“Alright”, he said. “Thanks for being honest. We’ll see how it goes tonight. Want to hang around with Oscar?”

I agreed, and spent the rest of the break with them. I saw Fiona had finished mingling, and was talking to Kira, but I doubted they’d want me there either, so I stayed with Sampo and Oscar, and got to know them a little better until we had to go back to class.

I thought things would be easier after talking to Sampo, and to some extent they were, but I kept getting more excited and nervous as the day passed. Having to explain Fiona to him, when I myself didn’t understand what was going on very well, had been pretty nerve-racking, but at least he wasn’t offended.

I suddenly realised I was in class and my notes were a bit of a mess, though I was surprised to see I had taken any at all, distracted as I was, and I decided to do my best to focus on the teacher’s explanation. It wasn’t easy, but I managed to concentrate, with a few inevitable lapses.

To my delight, Fiona asked me to join her for lunch. I’d been sitting with Sylvia and other nerds that week, and it had been alright, though I of course preferred being with her. It was good to get to know people with similar interests. Before Fiona had invited me to her table that day, I’d just been too shy to say much. It wasn’t easy to join a school the last year before graduating. Sylvia had told me she hadn’t tried drawing me out because she thought I didn’t want to be bothered. I was also afraid if I made some friends and my cousins found out about me, they would punish me or them for it. Fiona was a different case, because she could take care of herself and me both, but I didn’t want to imagine Sylvia, for instance, in Clara’s hands, for the crime of being nice to me.

The table ended up with Fiona and her terrible trio on one side, and with Sylvia, Rose and me on the other.

Sylvia quietly told me, right before we sat down, that Rose had been one of Fiona’s pet nerds before. She seemed the type. She was just a little taller than me--not much of an achievement--and far more curvaceous. I had seen her around, but we’d never happened to talk. Shy as she obviously was, it became clear her interest wasn’t Fiona, but Megan. It may have been silly, but it settled me a little. I knew Fiona expected and deserved the same freedom to have fun with other people that she was allowing me. Letting me go out with a boy was really generous, and I couldn’t complain if she decided to enjoy herself with others, too, but I felt insecure enough as it was. At least Syl was a known quantity by now.

I felt a little sorry for Rose when Megan began to tease her. I couldn’t say Megan was my favourite person, and I wasn’t hers, either. She had been mean to me without cause, and I found it hard to forgive that. Still, at least I was learning, and I realised Rose might not feel the same way. Perhaps she even enjoyed it, just as a part of me liked when Fiona talked down to me. At any rate, it wasn’t my place to intervene.

Fiona made it clearer why she had brought us all together when she invited us to her place for the weekend after. I had intended to ask her about this weekend, but I didn’t have to. She told me I’d be joining her tomorrow after class. I was relieved and grateful for that. There were so many things to sort out between us, and school really wasn’t the best place to do it in.

I took a moment to reflect. Things were going so much better. I had friends, a wonderful girl who loved me, and who even welcome my strange desire for her feet, protection against my cousins, a date ... If anyone had told me at the beginning of the school year I’d have laughed in their face. Well, timid as I was, I’d have scurried away wondering why they were making fun of me, but it came to the same.