Interlude

Interlude: a possible future

From Amanda’s diary:

How was I going to live without Fiona? Gods, I missed her so. I was crying my eyes out at the airport when we said good-bye. She stood there, upright and serious, with a stoical expression on her face. I couldn’t tell if she even cared about leaving me for months. She hugged me and let me bury my face against her. I hoped I wouldn’t stain her clothes with my silly tears, but I couldn’t help it. It was all I could do to go on breathing knowing that in a few minutes she’d be gone, not to return until the summer was almost over.

“It’s alright, sweetie”, she said. Her voice sounded even and firm, unlike mine. “It’s not forever. Come on! Try to have a good summer, ok? Be good to Mum.”

“Yes, Miss”, I said. I felt like an abandoned pet, left out in the cold as their masters sped away.

“I’m sorry, my darling pet”, she said. “I wish I could have taken you with me. You know I would have, but your parents...”

It wasn’t even Fiona’s fault. I was just being ungrateful as usual. Someone who had done so much for me deserved better than a sullen face when she left. She shouldn’t have to worry that her little one was going to be sad without her. She should have as good a summer as she could. I had to stop this.

“Please, give me one last kiss?” I begged.

“No, silly!” she said. “You’ll have my last kiss in a hundred years or so, but you may have your next one.” She held me, leaned her head, and kissed my tear-stained cheeks, then gave me a little peck on the nose, and only then pressed her warm lips to mine, probing my mouth with her tongue, making me go all dizzy. Good thing her strong arms were holding me up while she did it. It always made me weak on the knees when she kissed me like that, making me feel like she was exploring me, like a little toy she owned and enjoyed finding out about.

I managed to stop the waterworks, and even gave her a smile, knowing that she deserved all my efforts to please her, even if my heart was tearing up inside me while I tried to pretend all would be well for her sake.

“Better, my little Mandy”, she said. “Next year it will be different, you’ll see.”

“Will you be back for my birthday?” I asked, knowing the answer, but wanting to hear her say it.

“I give you my solemn promise, little one. I won’t miss that for anything.”

She took her carry-on, and I lost sight of her in the crowd as she passed through security. I waited there for her plane to lift. Something might happen and she might need me to pick her up. Everything went as planned, though, and I saw it soar up and take my hope with me. Then I wept again, my chest racked by sobs. Some kind strangers even came to check if everything was fine, and I had to tell them I’d just said good-bye to my girlfriend, and I was being silly. Most of them patted my head and cooed at me, but couldn’t help finding it cute and adorable. I wished it were their girlfriends leaving for months to another continent, let’s see how they liked it then.

After I had cried myself out, I took my little, battered car, and made my way to Fiona’s place. It was hard not to feel abandoned when my parents had left a week before to start their new job, and my best friend, protector, mentor, girlfriend and ... owner, was also going away. At least I had Aideen.

I got home, or what passed for home. No, really, home was wherever Fiona lived, and Fiona still lived there, even if she wasn’t there just now. I took a scoop of ice-cream, sat on the sofa, turned on the mushiest, most self-indulgently disgusting romantic crap I found, ate up, and sniffled every now and then.

Aideen arrived from work and saw me in that rather distasteful state. I had just finished watching yet another stupid romantic scene and was crying when she came through. She took a couple of seconds to look at me, as if she couldn’t believe her eyes.

“Stop that infernal lowing this instant!” she said.

“I’m ... I’m ... sorry. I just--”

“If you’re going to be crying like a ninny, go do that in your own room. You’re pathetic enough when you’re begging my daughter for treats, but having you wailing and weeping like that is insupportable. Am I clear?”

“Sorry, Aideen! It really won’t happen again”, I said, trying to contain my tears and sobs.

I stood up, took my bowl of ice-cream to wash in the kitchen, and was about to go into Fiona’s room, where I usually slept, when Aideen called me.

“Amanda! Where do you think you’re going?”

“Uh, sorry, Aideen. Do you need anything?” I said. “I was going to my room.”

“Your room is downstairs. That’s not the maid’s room”, she said.

“Oh.” I must have looked really disappointed.

“What, surely you didn’t think a maid would sleep in my daughter’s room?” she said.

“I ... somehow thought that the maid thing was ... a convenient fiction?” I said.

When my parents left they vacated our flat, and I had nowhere to be. They had expected I’d go with them, but Fiona convinced them to let me stay. They’d only allow it if I found a job and paid for my upkeep, and I hadn’t managed that in as little time as they had given me. Their new job had come about right out of the blue, so it wasn’t exactly their fault, either, but in any case, I was resigned to having to move yet again with them until I’d join Fiona at university in September. Fiona managed to find a way around, though. She got her mother to hire me as their live-in maid. That way I had a legitimate reason to stay there and I’d justify my living expenses.

When I signed the contract, Fiona had told me that it would all be fine. I did a lot of chores for her family anyway, so there would be little difference involved. She hadn’t been thinking of taking such a long trip, either, but the opportunity arose to prolong it for a month longer, and she took it. Some of this hadn’t been clearly communicated to Aideen, though, and now I felt really awkward about raising it. Still, Aideen was a reasonable person.

“A fiction?” she said. “I signed my name to that contract--so did you. I stamped my seal on it. I gave your parents my word. Have you known us Esmondes to be casual about making and breaking promises?”

“Uh, no? But--”

“Take your things downstairs. Oh, and give me your phone. I don’t want you to be unduly distracted.”

I wanted to complain, but the contract did say Aideen had the power to issue reasonable instructions about the job, and though I didn’t like it, it didn’t seem entirely unreasonable. I also seemed to have annoyed her about my misunderstanding of the situation, and didn’t want to get her in a worse mood. I’d seen Aideen angry, and it was not something I ever wanted pointed at me.

I took out my phone, turned it off, and meekly surrendered it to her. She smiled at me and told me to get moving.

I woke up in that tiny little room. There was nothing in there but a narrow bed, a small nightstand with a lamp, and a wardrobe for a few outfits. I’d packed everything into my suitcase and stored it under the bed the night before, and the place felt empty and cold. The house was so different without Fiona in it, and I didn’t even have the opportunity to sleep in her bed, wrapped in her worn sheets, at least for a night.

After Aideen’s reaction the day before I realised I’d better take my maid duties seriously. I went to make breakfast for her and her husband, and served it for them as they woke up. Aideen gave me a diary with their schedule, and told me she expected warm meals in the morning and evening. She’d eaten a lot of my cooking before, though it had always been up to me whether I wanted to do it or not. Now I had no choice about it. She also insisted on home-made bread, and I promised I’d have some for tonight.

I spent the entire day busy with housework. The Esmondes didn’t do much of it themselves, hiring people to take care of it while they were off at work or school. Still, there were always bits that someone coming for a few hours wouldn’t notice. I made sure all the mattresses were aired, for instance, and that all the toilets had soap in the dispensers. Little things like that can take a long time in a big house. Then I had to go to town to buy groceries, make myself some lunch, and start with the bread and dinner for the three of us.

I got my next unpleasant surprise when I served them the food and they told me to go away. I thought I’d be eating at table with them, as usual, but of course I wasn’t their daughter’s pet girlfriend now, I was their maid, and as Aideen sharply pointed out, they did not eat with the service. I was just about to go, when she also insisted I don’t begin to eat until they were done, in case they had need of me.

As it happened, they did. They kept wanting glasses filled, another fork, as one fell on the floor, more bread, a pot of tea ... They were really demanding, in a way I had not at all expected, ringing that little silver bell I was beginning to hate when they wanted to call me.

At last, they finished their meal. I cleared the table, and they let me have my own. Even then, they asked me for things now and again. They had drams of whisky and a few little nibbles to go with them.

Finally I went to bed. They had kept me so busy I had hardly had time to think about Fiona, but as I lay there, wishing she were with me, to hold me in her arms or at least lay her feet on me, I started crying again. At least that little room was underground, away from everything, and the door was solid and heavy, so I would not be disturbing the Esmondes with my moaning. It was so unfair. She was there, in Europe, going places, meeting people, making connections, probably forgetting about me and finding more beautiful, smarter, better girls, while I was stuck here, just waiting, like something she had set aside as too uninteresting for the moment, trapped by her mother’s word into being nothing but a servant.

I woke up and went to make breakfast. Aideen kept becoming more demanding as the days passed, and I wasn’t able to resist. I wondered at first if she was trying to keep me busy so I wouldn’t miss Fiona so much. That was the sort of thing Aideen might do. It may have started that way, but I felt things were getting out of hand.

As I made their breakfast, I kept thinking about all her new rules. I wasn’t allowed to call her Aideen anymore, but had to use my lady for her, and my lord for her husband. I was no longer allowed to make conversation, or dawdle, or talk back. While they ate, I stood by their table, quietly waiting for orders, and only when everything was cleared up and ready I was allowed to take my own meal, often interrupted by their constant demands. I had to ask permission to take breaks, and she didn’t let me sit or lie on the sofa. She made me use a low stool where she often put her feet up. I had tried to talk to Fiona about it, and got a shock when Aideen refused to give me back my phone until the weekend. Then, she let me use it for ten minutes while I read and replied to my messages as she watched over my shoulder. As soon as I tried writing to Fiona, she told me not to be silly, and that her daughter didn’t need to hear from the maid. She grabbed the phone from my hands without giving me the chance to lock it first, and put it back under key in a drawer in her study.

At least I wasn’t crying every night, missing Fiona anymore. I felt used and taken advantage of by Aideen, but it was true she was paying me a small wage, and from what I could glimpse of her past it seemed she had lived in a much more stratified household in her youth. It was probably nothing more than her making sure to keep propriety as she saw it, by the standards she had been taught as a girl. It was just very different from what I was used to: another time, another country, and another class.

They sat at the table, ignoring me as I served them. At first I had to ask them what they wanted, but now I was simply expected to pour their drinks and fill their dishes. If there were any deviations from their usual, they let me know. Otherwise I was meant to stay silent, and had been told off a few times for humming or letting a few words out by mistake.

“Amanda, tomorrow is my birthday”, said Aideen. “I know you’ve been organising some of it, but I want to make sure we won’t have any of your tantrums. I expect you to behave properly as you serve: no distractions, no rudeness, and no acting above your station. I know if you work at it you can be a credit to this household, but I won’t put up with any of your nonsense. Are we clear?”

“Yes, my lady”, I said. What else could I reply?

“Aideen, aren’t you a little hard on the girl?” said her husband.

“Stick to your trade. Maids have to be run hard or they get in trouble. Young girls shouldn’t be idle, much less someone like Amanda. She needs a firm hand, and properly structured time. Isn’t that right, dear?”

“Uh, I guess, my lady”, I said.

“Of course you do, or you’ll go silly with worry and boredom and mischief”, she said.

“My lady, I am really trying hard”, I said.

“I know. It’s not your fault that you are not suited to run your own life. Some people are just made to serve and obey, like you, and it would be criminal of me not to give you the close supervision you require.”

“Thank you, my lady”, I said, trying desperately not to get on her wrong side.

“See, dear?” she said looking at her husband. “Amanda herself agrees that I know best.”

He nodded. I was not anything of real importance to him. It had been unusual for him to even notice me and pick up on my unhappiness at Aideen’s strict treatment.

I spent the rest of the day making preparations for Aideen’s birthday. It was going to be quite a social occasion, with food, drinks, dancing, and lots of guests. I had been told what I was meant to do. Mostly, I was meant to keep food and drinks going, refill people’s glasses if they asked for it, and generally carry out any other service than might be expected of me.

I went to bed really tired from all the baking and cooking. For the first time I didn’t miss Fiona beside me for even an instant. I just wanted it all to be over.

The birthday party was really difficult. I was run ragged fetching and cleaning. Guests often spilled drinks, and I had to go and clean it up on my knees as they snickered.

The worst part was some of the guests were people I knew from school, or Fiona’s outings. The parents didn’t give me a second look, but the children were mean and cruel. Stacy had me kneeling at her feet, holding up a tray of drinks while she talked to her friend, pretending she was trying to make up her mind, but really enjoying my discomfort as I had to serve as a piece of human furniture while she made fun of me.

I wanted Fiona by me so much. None of these people would dare to do any of this with her around. I had lost my protector, though, and I felt I couldn’t say no to anyone. After a few dances, Aideen sat on one of the sofas and even made me fetch her slippers from her room and put them on for her, as her feet were too sore to keep her high heels on. Stacy was looking at me while I did it, laughing with her friend about her classmate. On top of it all, Aideen told me off, in front of everyone, for getting distracted while I replaced her shoes as I heard my name being spoken of and people giggling behind me.

“Your focus should be on your present task alone, and on fulfilling it to the best of your admittedly limited ability”, she said. “I told you no distractions.”

I blushed there, kneeling at her feet, with her discarded shoes in my hands as a few of the younger guests looked at me and made me feel like dirt.