Chapter 10: Sunshine Always Follows Rain

Fiona’s diary:

The alarm clock startled me. For a few moments I couldn’t work out where I was. Then the whole situation came back to my mind and I quickly turned it off before it woke Amanda. She was curled up, making little moans.

I got out of bed, careful not to bump into her, and checked the nightstand. Mother had been around, as promised, with her ninja mum magic. I hadn’t heard her come at all. There was a note with instructions, some pills, and a jug of water with lemon in it.

I didn’t like being told what to do, but I wasn’t actually insane about it. Mother had the training and I didn’t. I carefully looked at Mandy and ... yeah, she still didn’t look very good. At least I had calmed down to the point I didn’t immediately start fantasizing about violence. First, take care of Amanda; stand up to the responsibilities I had failed in. After that duty was discharged, I’d settle accounts with her relatives. All her relatives. That shouldn’t have gone unnoticed for however long it had been happening.

I placed my hand on her forehead, happy to be able to touch her somewhere without causing her pain, and her temperature seemed normal. Not very professional, but I couldn’t help myself from stroking her soft skin, wishing I could undo all the hurt with a word or a touch.

After a quick glance to the baby monitor to check it was on, I went to get some ice. I put a few cubes in the jug, and had to will myself to wake Amanda up. I wasn’t used to feeling such a surge of affection for someone.

“Amanda, you need to wake up now.”

She startled and cried out. Then she looked at me and sighed in relief.

“So it wasn’t a dream”, she said. “You really came for me.” Her voice sounded blurred with sleep.

Should I tell her I almost hadn’t? Mother said on her note not to take any important decisions about her for the moment, not to make things hard on her, and to remember to tell her I didn’t blame her. I might tell her later when this was all a bad memory for us both.

“You need to take some pills for the pain.”

“I don’t want to”, she whined. The note had warned me her reactions could be a little unpredictable. I managed not to snap at her.

“Now Mandy, don’t be difficult”, I said, as if patiently dealing with a small child. I got the pills for her, and the jug with a straw for her to drink.

She pouted, but she reluctantly opened her mouth and swallowed them. I offered her the straw and she sucked greedily. I paced her a little by pinching the straw, not wanting her to go too quickly, but I let her drink her fill. She must have been parched. I realised her lips were dry, so I got a clean tissue, poured a little water on it, and moistened them for her. She gratefully smiled at me. It was the first time I’d seen her smile since the incident, and I was glad to have that back.

“Is it time for school already?” she said.

I joined her in bed again, and she clung to me, wincing only a little.

“First off, it doesn’t matter. We’re not going to school today.”

“But we--”

“Hush. It’s settled. Second, it’s about two in the morning. So be a good girl and sleep for me, will you?”

“Yes, Miss”, she said, and blushed. “I mean ... sorry, Fiona. I didn’t--”

I laid a finger on her lips.

“It’s ok, Amanda. It’s out of place, but it’s respectful. Don’t worry about it. Please, do try to sleep though.”

She got even closer to me and nestled her head against my bosom. She made a little groaning sound, kissed my chest, and quickly fell back asleep. It took me longer.

I couldn’t help imagining all the scenarios in which I failed to visit Amanda. Sure, Mother said it was nothing too threatening, but even minor things can become serious unattended. She could have tripped and hurt herself, as difficult as she found moving. She had been bleeding some, could have got an infected wound, got her airways blocked, gone into shock ... I didn’t want to think about it. The other alternative was worse, though: reconstructing what must have been done to her. A few imaginary blows and screams and my mind simply shut down. I couldn’t bear it. I, who had made innumerable people cry in pain, couldn’t even face the thought. I hoped this wasn’t going to change too much about me.

I reminded myself that Amanda was partly responsible. If she had told me this was likely to happen, I would have cancelled with Kira in an instant. At least, I’d like to think I would have. I was still supposed to be in charge, though, even if she wasn’t my pet. As a friend, she looked up to me and followed my lead, so it was on me to take care of her and make the right decisions. We had both screwed up, but she had suffered the consequences.

I focused on the wonderful feeling of her warm body against me, and told myself I had her with me now, safe and sound, or sound enough, at least. I slowed down my breath and remembered her smile as I dabbed at her lips, and managed to fall asleep.

We slept very late. I didn’t know about Amanda, but I was tired from the weekend and the night I spent with Kira. There was no sun to wake us up, either, so it was ten when I got out of bed. I let Amanda lie in while I got her some of my own clothes, as it hadn’t occurred to us to pack anything for her. They didn’t fit her too well, but she was happy to be covered up. Clara had been surprisingly careful--or lucky--not to mark her in visible places. so long as she wore long sleeves and trousers, it wasn’t at all obvious.

At the living room down in the basement, Mother had arrayed breakfast for us both. When she took charge of something, you knew it would get done thoroughly and properly, and I reminded myself to thank her for my friend’s care. There were more pills for Amanda, and instructions addressed to me.

We sat at the table, opposite each other, and began to eat. She seemed scared to talk, or even look straight at me.

“Why so quiet, Amanda?” I asked.

“I’m trying to work out a way to say sorry”, she said. “It was all my fault. I’m sorry I couldn’t--”

“All your fault, huh?” I said. “What were you hitting yourself with?”

She sighed, but it did make her smile. She poured tea in her cup and stirred, waiting for it to cool.

“That’s not what I mean”, she said. “Clara had never gone that far. I just ... didn’t handle her right. I tried but...”

“Amanda, do you trust me?”

She stopped stirring and looked into my eyes.

“As much as I can right now, Fiona”, she said. “Thank you so much for ... rescuing me.”

It was my turn to sigh, knowing how close I had been to making the stupid choice, instead.

“Then trust this. You shouldn’t have to ‘handle’ someone like Clara. None of what happened is your fault. I don’t blame you for any of it, and if anything I’m more inclined to apologise myself.”

“You don’t?” she said. “I’m causing so much bother, though. Even your mother--”

“I don’t, and Mother doesn’t either”, I said, truthfully. “I suspect you don’t want to talk about what happened just yet.”

“I’d ... rather not, if that’s alright”, she said.

“Of course, Amanda. There’s just something I’d like you to answer for me: why, why in the name of all the saints didn’t you tell me anything? Didn’t you think I would help? If I’d only known...”

She lowered her head.

“I’m sorry--”

“None of that, little one”, I said. I smiled at her as her head came back up, and went on eating my toast.

“Whenever I told someone, it went badly. Sometimes they didn’t believe me, sometimes they made fun of me for it, and sometimes they tried to get involved and my cousins convinced them I was lying. They said if someone ever believed me, they’d do the same things to them. I couldn’t bear the thought of them hurting you. I tried, I swear I tried, but it just wouldn’t come out.”

“Wait, cousins?” I said. “There are more?”

“Clara is the worst”, she said. “Alba and Stella are twins, from my other aunt, Roxanna. They’re less creative, and not so rough.”

“How long has this been going on?” I said.

“I guess since I was ten”, she said. “I think it kind of started because I was my grandmother’s favourite. I got good grades and was ... well, obedient. They kept getting compared to me, and it made them angry, so they started being mean. First it was just ignoring me. I’d try to tag along with them, and they let me, but only if I did as they said. At the beginning it was just silly things, like sitting down on the floor, fetching things for them, and all that.”

“But it didn’t stay that way.”

“No. Clara decided I needed to learn my place, and started demanding more difficult things. I had to--I don’t want to talk about this, Fiona. Please?” She gulped.

I nodded. I didn’t need to know immediately.

“What set her off this time then?” I said.

Amanda looked down, clearly not wanting to answer.

“Amanda?”

“It was ... well ... it was you”, she said. “When you texted me, she got annoyed at the interruption and started checking my phone. She saw we were friends, and then the laptop ... They told me I’m not allowed to have friends, you see. I shouldn’t have had the phone on, but I’m so used to never getting anything, I didn’t think to switch it off.”

Wonderful. I had caused it. No, that was just the same flawed thinking she was using. What Clara had done was no-one else’s fault. Still, without me none of this may have happened.

“Well, done is done”, I said. “I’m sorry, I screwed up too. I should have known you needed my help. We’ll just have to do better, ok?”

“Do better?” she said. “You’ve seen what a loser I am now. I guess you won’t be my friend anymore. It’s ok, I understand.” She tried to put on a brave face, but I saw she was dreading my answer.

“Amanda, you remember when I dropped you off in the car? What did I tell you about who you are?”

“You said ... but surely you don’t mean it anymore.” I nodded to her. “You said I am ... clever, sweet and ... well, lovely.” She blushed.

“And?”

“I’m your friend, and your decisions are final.”

“Good girl”, I said, impressed she had retained that much from that conversation. “None of that’s changed, so get used to being my friend.” I smiled, and she smiled back.

After breakfast was done, I convinced Amanda to have a bath. It should help her relax, and she needed it, though I wasn’t unkind enough to say that. I was happy to see she had no major difficulties moving, though she was still in pain. When we went in the bathroom, she looked at the big bath and shed a few tears.

“Why are you crying, sweetie?” I said. I regretted not being able to comfort her with a hug, but I didn’t want to hurt her.

“I’m just being silly, Fiona. Sorry.”

I kissed her cheek and wiped her tears.

“Tell me”, I said, while the bath filled. “It can’t be that bad.”

She sat on the loo and I sat on the bidet by her.

“The first time I saw this bath, I thought we could ... Now I’m going in and my body is such a mess you will not even want to touch me. Even if you did, I probably couldn’t bear it. I was hoping we’d bath together and ... well...” She looked at me, a little afraid.

“That’s sweet, Amanda”, I said. “I know this isn’t going to be easy for you to believe, but I don’t find you at all ugly or disgusting. I think you’re cute and adorable.” She blushed. “Especially when your cheeks get that beautiful red tinge.” I laughed, and she went even redder. “Goodness, I want to take a bite out of you. So nice!”

“Stop it!” she said, beginning to laugh. At least she could see the humour in the situation, too.

“I’ll touch you all you can bear”, I said. “I’m sorry your fantasy was spoiled, little one. If it helps, I’ll tell you I was looking forward to it myself.”

“Really?” she said.

I nodded.

“Come on”, I said. “It’s almost ready.” I checked the temperature and asked Amanda to check herself. I wanted it as hot as she could bear it, which wasn’t quite as hot as I could.

I let her go in first and she wince at the hot water on her skin. She groaned a bit, but she settled down at the bottom after a while. I went in myself, and lay by her in the opposite direction. I loved bathing, especially in a bath large enough I could fully stretch, though I was usually too busy for it. Looking at Amanda’s face, I could tell she loved it too, in spite of everything.

“Wash me”, I said, passing her a bar of soap and a sponge. I raised my feet letting my toes stick out of the water and wiggled them at her.

She blushed for a moment, but she grabbed my nearest foot and began slathering soap on it, running her fingers over my sole, pressing with her fingertips. It felt great, and I had always wanted this. Then she thoroughly ran the soap in between my toes, and I felt her clearing the bits of lint and dry skin that inevitably built up in there, especially when I ran hard. I sighed with pleasure, enjoying her delicate touch. Amanda had a little smile on her face, her service making her temporarily forget her own pain. I let her keep rubbing my foot, well beyond what was necessary for washing it, but after a while I nudged her with it.

“Next one, don’t you think?” I said, smirking. She blushed again.

I loved how susceptible to embarrassment she was, though what she was doing wasn’t worth being ashamed of. Alright, it was an act of service of sorts, but she was pleasing me and herself through it. No different, in many ways, from brushing my hair or fetching me water, and yet imbued with such a special symbolic charge for me, and seemingly for her too, that she couldn’t pretend it wasn’t a form of devotion.

She let my foot drop to the bottom, and grabbed the other one, giving it the same attention as I let the heat from the water, and my Mandy’s quiet service soothed my nerves. I needed a break, too, and I knew it was one for Amanda herself. Something soft, and safe, and comforting she could do for me to keep her mind away from horror.

“Good girl”, I said quietly. “Very, very good girl. Now go up my legs.”

She continued washing me, and I could see her enjoyment of my body. If I couldn’t touch her the way I wanted, if she couldn’t have her fantasy of being ravaged in the bath--and I understood her well enough by now to know that was probably what she really wanted--at least I could let her indulge herself in her servile desires as she got used to pleasing me and playing my bath attendant. After all, I intended her to serve me in this and other capacities, and it was never too early to begin to train someone. Not that she needed a lot of training: she seemed to have an instinct for what I wanted, and her fingers made my leg muscles loosen up and relax as she massaged them under the pretext of giving them a very thorough wash.

“Pass me the soap”, I said. She had reached as high up my legs as she could comfortably get, high enough I could do the rest.

She sighed and I could see the slightest pout on her lips, but she passed me the soap and I went on using it on myself, a far less pleasant sensation. After she recovered, I would have her do my entire body, but now she needed to relax herself. I raised my foot, placed it in front of her face, and smirked.

“Are my feet clean enough to kiss, Mandy?”

She blushed and stuttered, and I couldn’t help giggling.

“Show me what a good job you’ve done”, I said.

She nodded, her cheeks red, and her eyes pleading at me. I ever so slowly moved my foot towards her lips as she lay still, and felt an almost electric sensation when we made contact. I looked firmly into her eyes, demanding her to yield. The instant of decision seemed to last an eternity, but she pressed her lips on my newly clean, wet sole, and gave it a little light kiss, whimpering and shivering afterwards.

“Come on, Mandy”, I said. “I taught you better. Is that really how you kiss?”

She closed her eyes, and I thought I had gone too far and the moment was lost, but she passionately pressed her lips against my foot, let them open, and, hesitantly at first, more firmly afterwards, allowed the tip of her tongue to dart over my sole, wiggling and drawing over it in traces of pleasure and adoration. I heard a moan, and realised it was my own. Goodness, at last I had someone to do this for me, and I was going to have her do it at every opportunity.

Mindful of Amanda’s limits--she was still blushing and whimpering--and wanting to make sure she was left yearning for more, I removed my foot from her lips and gave her a cheeky, satisfied smile.

“It looks like they were”, I said.

I finished washing, then turned around and placed myself under Amanda, letting her body rest on mine. She weighed little, and even less in the water, so the pressure wasn’t too bad on her skin. I picked up the shampoo, and worked it into her hair as she lay her head on my chest, enjoying the feel of it between my fingers, and her little sounds of delight. I massaged her head, feeling her relax and calm down under my touch. Rinsing her was less fun, but I used the showerhead to clear all the suds.

“Do you want a second one?” I said.

“Yes, please, Fiona”, she said. “Your fingers feel so good on my head.”

“I better not spoil you too much”, I said, laughing, and began to massage another dollop of shampoo into her hair.

A couple of minutes later, I heard her breath slow down and I realised she was falling asleep. I was happy to let her lie on me, feeling safe enough to let herself be vulnerable under my care. I felt a moment of tenderness for her, so fragile and obedient.

I let her rest for a while, but then I had to rinse her hair, and that woke her up again. I made sure she was properly clean, and got out from under her, lying by her side.

“Thank you, Fiona”, she said. “That was beautiful. I’m sorry I fell asleep.”

“Don’t be, little one”, I said. “You needed the rest, and I’m glad that I could help you.” Her smile lifted up my heart. She wasn’t broken.

Convincing her of my mother’s recommendation was hard. She wanted me to get Amanda to do thermal contrasting, to relieve the bruising and help her heal.

“You’re telling me you want me to dunk in cold water now? After ... this?” she said, incredulous.

“I know it doesn’t sound very pleasant--”

“Yeah? That’s because it isn’t. I hate the cold”, she said, whining.

“Mandy--”

“Don’t Mandy me. I’m not doing this”, she said. She was getting upset.

“Amanda, then”, I said, looking straight at her. “I know it won’t be very nice in the moment, but you’ll feel good afterwards. Don’t be stubborn.”

“Is it my choice?” she said.

I pondered. Should it be her choice? Yes. It wasn’t an issue of principle or safety or anything like that. She’d be alright either way. Contrasting would just help her recover a little faster.

“I won’t make you do it, Amanda, but I’m asking you to. It’s for your own good.”

“Do it with me, then”, she said.

Damn. I hated the cold, too. I sighed.

“Ok, if that’s how you want it. The things we do for friends.”

I quickly picked up the baby monitor from my room and left it in the bathroom while she stayed in, carrying the receiver with me. She complained that she wasn’t a baby, but I wasn’t taking any chances. I got a few buckets from the store room, and filled them with cold water from the shower. Bloody hell, this was going to be unpleasant.

I drained the bath, joined her inside, and poured the buckets on us. I kept my composure as best I could, trying to lead by example, while Amanda shivered and squealed begging me to stop. I told her not to be a wimp, and she clung to me looking for warmth, but my body was cooling down fast, too. I let three minutes pass and was glad to get out of the cold. I towelled Amanda, careful not to rub or press too hard on her, and then myself. That had not been fun.

We went to the living room, still shivering. I set the kettle on and made some hot chocolate with a little touch of cinnamon as Amanda huddled on the sofa under a blanket, wrapped in one of my old dressing gowns, looking at me reproachfully.

I joined her under the blankets when the chocolate was done, and she seemed to forgive me after she took the first sip.

“I’m sorry for being such a big baby”, she said. “I just really, really hate the cold, and ... Well, I hate the thought of being tricked.”

“I wouldn’t do that to you, Amanda. Not when it’s about something serious like this. I won’t say I’ll never play a trick on you, but not about such a thing, on such a day.”

“I know”, she said. “It’s just ... so hard to trust now.”

I cuddled her, mindful of using a light touch, wiped my lips on a napkin, and kissed the top of her head, nuzzling her hair, smelling nice and clean.