Chapter 71: Sorting Things Out, Part II

April 8, 1982, West Monroe, Ohio

"Liz wanted me to talk to you," I said to my mom on Thursday evening.

"I assumed she'd put you up to this."

"I only promised to talk to you, and told Liz not to count on anything changing."

"Good call. We've given her as much freedom as your father and I think is reasonable. Has she talked to you about Paul Reynolds?"

I nodded, "I know how she feels about him. But he's in prison. Don't forget she was raped before that, and anything that happened after the rape has to be seen through that lens."

"I know that. She's not under house arrest! She has quite a bit of freedom. She's not allowed to date, but she can go out with her friends. And she can go to school functions as long as a teacher or other adult I know is there and can keep an eye on her."

"That sounds similar to what you told me Grandpa imposed on you during your Senior year."

Mom laughed, "Perhaps I shared a bit too much! But yes, that's more or less where I drew the idea from."

"I think Liz feels the control is oppressive."

"Mike, trust is earned, not given. That's why, when you were growing up, we watched how you handled yourself and as you showed yourself to be trustworthy and responsible, we granted you more freedom and privileges. Your sister lost any trust we'd given her."

"But how does she earn back your trust if she's on what amounts to double-secret probation?"

"After the problems between you and Jocelyn last Summer, how has she earned back your trust?" Mom countered.

I was silent for a moment.

"Time, I guess."

"So..."

"In time, when Liz shows she can be trusted by following these rules, you'll allow her more privileges."

"Something you should remember when you're a father."

"That is a LONG ways down the road! I think I need to be married first!"

"That's usually the best plan."

April 10, 1982, West Monroe, Ohio

On Saturday morning, I picked up Jocelyn from her house and we drove to Dale's house for breakfast. He was heading back to Madison and this was our last chance to see him before he began his drive back later in the morning.

"When do you think you'll be home again?" I asked.

"Maybe for a week at some point during the Summer," Dale replied. "I have a full-time job as a Summer Intern for Human Services Computing. The woman who founded it received her Master's from UW Madison."

"What will you be doing there?" Jocelyn asked.

"Whatever they tell me to do!" Dale laughed. "I'll be in the accounting department. Mike, you're working at the hardware store, right?"

"Full time, just like last Summer, though it's Monday through Friday, 7:00am to 4:00pm."

"Are you going to be working, Jocelyn?" Dale asked.

"I'm filling in for a receptionist in a doctor's office in Rutherford. Her baby is due in late May and she'll be on maternity leave for the Summer. Then it's off to McKinley."

"You guys should come visit Madison."

"That's kind of tough given the distance and the fact we're both working," I said.

We finished our breakfast, said our goodbyes, and then Jocelyn and I headed to her house to hang out for the day.

"Now what?" I asked as I sipped coffee that Jocelyn's mom made for us.

"Who knows?" Jocelyn sighed. "I'm just as confused as I was when you dropped me at home on Monday night. You?"

"The same."

"So what do we do? It's been kind of awkward since Monday."

"You mean trying to figure out if we should hug, or kiss, or whatever when I drop you off?"

"That, and avoiding talking about us. I think we're both afraid of that conversation."

I sipped some coffee, then nodded, "You're probably right."

"We can't go on like this, Mik. We have to figure this out."

I sat my coffee cup down and leaned back on the couch and closed my eyes. A minute later, I opened them.

"My mom was right," I said.

"About it being difficult to stop having sex with someone once you started?"

"Yes, but I'm starting to understand that it's not a physical thing. I mean, sure, that's great, but it's the emotional bond it creates that's the challenge. And what makes it so dangerous."

"Do you feel that with Melody?" Jocelyn asked apprehensively.

"Not the same way," I said. "And I'm not quite sure why. With Emmy I knew it was just for fun, and I think that made it different. To be honest, if Becky were still around, I might be having the same struggle."

"What about Nancy?"

"Yes, but she broke the emotional link, if you will, when she called it off for the second time. It's why I'm wary about how I deal with her. There was a pull, but it wasn't nearly as strong as with you. I just need to be careful to not reignite it. That's the danger."

"Which is why your mom feels we're at risk for cheating with each other in the future."

"Yeah. She feels the danger will always be there, and I think she has a point. And I think I understand why girls and guys behave the way they do about their boyfriend or girlfriend talking to exes."

"Jealousy?"

"Yes, but it's more than that. If they were having sex, the emotional link was probably there, if it's still there..."

"It could cause them to cheat. Or even go back to their ex. Which is why Melody is concerned about me."

"Yes. But she doesn't seem to have the same concern about Katy."

"You aren't sleeping with Katy, though."

"No, but it's a distinct possibility. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's going to happen, just that Melody knows it could happen. But as I said, she doesn't seem worried."

"Because of me," Jocelyn said.

"I hadn't considered that. So you're a double-edged sword, if you will. As long as you're in the picture, Katy isn't the real threat in Melody's mind; you are."

"Yes, and I suspect if you go back to McKinley tomorrow and tell her you and I are done 'playing house', then Katy will be a concern."

"But Melody is dating other guys occasionally," I protested.

"Because you're 'playing house' with me. She's keeping her options open, if you will. If you tell her we're done, I bet that changes."

"As in Melody will decide I'm 'the guy' and she'll want to move forward? Be steady?"

Jocelyn nodded, "I would think so. If she thinks you might be 'Mr. Right', and you're free of me, if you will, it makes sense."

"But I'm not ready to make that kind of decision yet."

"To go steady?"

"I don't have a problem with that; it's the implication that follows. It's not like High School. April and I were steady, but I never had it in my mind we were permanent."

"She did."

"And she wouldn't sleep with me because she knew I didn't feel that way."

"Exactly," Jocelyn agreed. "She expected you to eventually feel that way, and when she thought she was going to lose you, she offered to go to bed with you, knowing that would make it permanent because you'd feel obligated."

"Obligated?"

"It's your personality. Well, it was. I think things changed when you and Emmy had your little fling. Before Emmy, you had in your mind that sex implied marriage. It's not all that different from what you've told me about Tasha's view."

"That we could get things out of order, so to speak, but the two things implied each other in a way that couldn't be unlinked."

"Yes. And that's part of your struggle with me. You had that view when we went to Cincinnati. And so did I."

I smiled, "Things become much clearer now. We should have talked about this before."

"We didn't understand," Jocelyn sighed. "But the minute you pushed through my hymen, we both knew what it was supposed to mean. Consciously, that is. We both knew subconsciously before that."

"You believed making love meant we were permanent?"

"Once we started, it kind of became obvious, didn't it?"

"Yes."

"And once we broke up, it couldn't mean that, and Emmy and Becky just reinforced that in your mind. Which let you be with Nancy and Melody without that kind of commitment. Our breakup caused a complete change in your thinking."

"Obviously. But what do YOU think?"

"I don't know. I suppose I won't know until I'm with someone else. Which will be like a dagger in your heart, even if you don't realize it now."

"Oh, I'm beginning to get the picture of the mess we've made," I replied, closing my eyes again.

"I know you have issues with trusting me..."

"No, I don't," I interrupted. "Not anymore. I'm past that. My mom and I were talking about Liz and I told her that time had helped resolve that."

"Then we only have one real issue. The one I think, ultimately, is insurmountable."

"Biological kids."

"Yes. And I believe that's so important to you, that even if you were to try to set it aside, it would eat away at you until it eventually wrecked our relationship."

"And the alternative is we both struggle to keep our relationship platonic."

"So now what?" Jocelyn sighed.

She set her coffee cup down and snuggled close and I put my arm around her.

"Invent a time machine? Go back and fix things in ninth grade? Become Mormon?"

Jocelyn laughed, "In your dreams!"

"The time machine or the multiple wives?" I teased.

"I don't think you'll find too many women who would willingly share, at least not around here. Not to mention the Ohio licensing boards for the Bar and medical licenses all can deny your application for 'moral turpitude'."

"Oh, I know. That whole thing with Family Services could have ruined my chances to ever get a medical license. And I don't think a time machine is feasible. And that leaves us with the biggest problem of all."

"That we love each other," Jocelyn sighed.

"I feel like I'm being weak," I said sadly.

"No; you're being honest with yourself and with me. I'd much rather have the struggle your mom warned you about than struggle to keep our marriage together because of this issue. It's not your fault, Mik. It's not mine. It's just where we find ourselves because of outside forces."

I understood her point, but I also couldn't help feel as if I was letting Jocelyn down; letting us down. But her concern was right on target — I didn't know if I could commit, at nineteen, to never having kids of my own. And that was, in the end, the crux of the matter. All because some old man had a heart attack and hit her car head-on; an event beyond our control which would shape the rest of our lives.

The conversations I'd had with Melody had triggered all kinds of thoughts and feelings I hadn't anticipated, and while they'd helped clarify some things, they called other things into question. At first, my relationship with Jocelyn, but then my relationship with Katy, and by extension, my relationship with Tasha. And my relationship with Angie. And what had happened with Emily, Becky, and Nancy. And, now, as I was thinking things through, with Melody herself.

One thing I was sure of, and that was that I was in no position to make any commitments until I settled my mind about Jocelyn. Despite both of us acknowledging the issue — my issue — my mind was still unsettled, and that created all kinds of potential problems. I'd started the conversation about it with Doctor Hart, and I felt I needed to talk to him again before I did anything which might preclude ANY future outcome.

"Jos, I'm going to talk to Doctor Hart. I think I owe us that."

"You aren't giving up just yet?"

"I have no idea what I'm doing, and that's why I need to talk to him. Everything Melody said, and my mom said, and you said has made me really wonder if I know myself well enough to make the kinds of decisions I believe I'm supposed to be making."

"I think that's very wise."

Palm Sunday, April 11, 1982, West Monroe, Ohio

"What's your plan for today, Mike?" Mom asked on Sunday morning.

"It's Palm Sunday, so church, then lunch with Tasha, then head home to wait for Clark so we can head back to McKinley."

"OK. We'll see you at the church."

"Liz is riding with me," I said.

"Good."

I left the kitchen and went back upstairs. I knocked on Liz's door, and two minutes later we were in my car on the way to church.

"I guess you didn't have any luck," Liz said.

"In the end, it's all in your hands," I said. "Give it some time, show Mom and Dad they can trust you, and they'll loosen the reins a bit. The more you show them you can act responsibly, the more freedom they'll allow you."

"And how do I do that? Have no life?"

"You're allowed to be with your friends, and go to school events. That doesn't sound like 'no life' to me."

"No boyfriend. No dates."

"Can you really blame them? And I'm talking about Paul, here, and then your risky behavior after that — drugs and unprotected sex. Think about it from their perspective, Liz."

"If you hadn't messed things up with Paul, everything would have been OK!" she exclaimed angrily.

"What did you want me to do? My little sister was fifteen and was having sex with a man who was ten years older than she was! Who was married and had a kid. Not to mention you were the one who let that slip to Mom, albeit, not who or how old he was."

"But you didn't have to tell her about Paul! I got in trouble because I had sex, but she didn't know about Paul. Mike, I loved him and he loved me!"

"I don't want to fight about this, Liz. Just give Mom and Dad some time. I'm glad you decided to come to church today."

"Hah! Mom didn't tell you? It's part of my punishment."

I couldn't say it to Liz, but that was, in my opinion, a REALLY dumb idea. Forcing Liz to go to church would only make her less likely to remain in the Church when she graduated from High School and left home, either to work or go to college. That said, I was sure Mom didn't mean it as punishment, but was hoping it would help with Liz's rehabilitation. I felt that was a mistake.

"I don't think she intended this as punishment, Liz. I think she hoped you would benefit from some spiritual activity. I always find being at church comforting."

"Duh! But I don't. It works for you and Mom; it doesn't work for me."

"You can only get out of it what you put into it. Just go along with what Mom wants for now and let her get comfortable with your behavior. She'll lighten up."

"You do know I'm moving out as soon as I graduate, right?"

"What about college?"

"That just ties me to them even more. I'm going to get a job and get my own place. Then I'll figure it out. Waiting a year or two to go to college won't hurt, if that's what I decide to do."

"It's your life," I said.

"Mom doesn't think so."

That wasn't actually true, but I wasn't going to convince Liz otherwise. I was sure Mom did agree it was Liz's life to live the way she wanted, once she turned eighteen. But before then, Mom was going to do her best to help Liz make good decisions.

"She loves you."

"Yeah, right."

I let it be, because there really wasn't a way to change her mind at this point. We arrived at church and when we entered the nave, Liz went to sit on a bench along the back wall while I reverenced the icons, lit a candle, and took my usual spot.

During Matins, Father Herman blessed pussy willows, the traditional Russian substitution for palms which didn't grow in Russia. At the end of the Divine Liturgy, just before the dismissal, Father Herman and Deacon Vasily led the congregation in a procession around the outside of the church. We circled three times, following Father carrying the Gospel book, the Deacon carrying the censer, and the acolytes carrying the parish banner, cross, and candles. After dismissal, Tasha and I, with the blessing of her parents, left for Marie's diner for lunch.

"I have news, Mishka!" Tasha said excitedly as I pulled out of the church parking lot.

"Oh?"

"Yes! During the Summer, you may take me out on Saturday nights after Vespers. A real date! We can go to the movies or roller skate or bowl!"

"Your dad gave permission?"

"Mom encouraged him to do that. You'll need to ask his permission each time, and tell him exactly where we're going and when you'll have me home, but otherwise, we can have real dates!"

I suppressed both a chuckle and a head shake, as instead of my managing to simplify things, they had just become MORE complicated. So long as Tasha and I weren't officially dating, I could more or less finesse things with her until she graduated from High School. Now, I couldn't. The REAL complication would come if she asked me to go steady or whatever it was she would call it. If she did THAT, push would come to shove long before I was ready to make that kind of decision.

"That's quite the change, considering."

"Yes, but only you, Mishka. Mom was VERY clear this wasn't license to date whomever I wished."

"That's still a big change. I figured we wouldn't be allowed to officially date until you were eighteen, despite the fact we've been going on dates for a year!"

"Don't tell my dad that!" Tasha laughed. "Mom knows that, but Dad thinks it's different because before we could only have dinner and sometimes ice cream."

"I won't complain about the rules being relaxed."

"Me either!"

Our lunch at Marie's was similar to all our other 'non-date' dates, and when we finished eating, I drove Tasha home. I received a VERY nice kiss at the door, and a tight hug.