Chapter 70: Sorting Things Out, Part I

April 4, 1982, West Monroe, Ohio

"Mishka!" Tasha squealed, hugging me tightly but quickly releasing me because we were in the narthex of the church.

"Hi, Tasha!" I said with a smile.

She grabbed my hand and led me to the church hall, where we got some food and coffee, then sat down by her parents.

"Michael, how is school going?" Deacon Vasily asked.

"All A's so far, and I should finish the semester with a 4.0 average."

"Very good. And you're attending church regularly?"

"Yes. Every Sunday without fail, and during Great Lent, Saturdays and Wednesdays. I've also been chanting and reading and have spoken to Deacon Grigory and Father Nicholas about being tonsured a subdeacon."

"I'm glad to hear that. I always thought that was something you should consider. What about the Diaconate?"

I shook my head, "No. I don't think that's compatible with being a doctor. And more importantly, I don't feel called to a major order of the clergy."

"It is a significant commitment, and as you imply, you have an equally significant commitment in your future."

"So your daughter would have me believe," I grinned.

"Mishka!" Tasha exclaimed, but she was smiling.

"Well, yes, that too!" Deacon Vasily said with a soft laugh.

"What time will you join us tonight," Tasha's mom asked.

"Could Mike come over right after church?" Tasha asked before I could answer.

"I don't see why not," her mom said.

"Mishka?"

"I didn't have any plans for the afternoon."

"Good!" Tasha said, squeezing my arm.

We finished eating, and I went to let my mom know I'd be home around 9:00pm, as that was the latest I'd ever been allowed to stay at the Antonovs' house when I was visiting Tasha. Once I'd done that, with permission from Deacon Vasily, Tasha rode with me instead of with her parents and her little sister.

"It's COLD! Brrr!" Tasha said, shivering as I helped her into my Mustang.

I quickly walked around to the driver's side, got in, and started the engine. I needed to give it a couple of minutes to warm up, and that meant sitting in the cold, as the heater wouldn't do much until the engine was warm. Tasha leaned over, and I put my arm around her, though it wasn't possible to really snuggle because of the configuration of the seats and the center console. About two minutes later, Tasha sat up, I put the car in gear, pulled forward through another parking spot, and headed for Tasha's house.

"What do you wish to do this afternoon?" she asked as I turned onto the main road in front of the church.

"You invited me! I thought you had a plan."

Tasha giggled, "Yes, but my dad will NEVER let us do what I want!"

"Uh, no," I said nervously.

"Silly boy! Yes, of course, he wouldn't let us do THAT! But I meant lie together on the Persian rug in front of the fireplace!"

"No, I suppose he wouldn't."

"Would you want to?" she asked impishly.

"Lie in front of the fireplace with you? Yes!"

"Not that, silly! The other thing."

Of course, I would! But I also knew that doing THAT would be making an irrevocable commitment, one which I would have to keep, no matter what, with death being the only thing that prevented it.

"In the right context, I would very much like to make love to you, Natalya Vasilyevna. But that would make a commitment which requires an appropriate church ceremony."

"Do you wish sometimes that wasn't true?"

"I think, even without the need for a wedding, making love with you would be a lifetime commitment. I believe you believe that, right?"

"Yes," she sighed. "Unfortunately, that is true."

"Unfortunately?"

Tasha laughed, "Don't you think I want to make love with you just as much as you want to make love with me?"

"I'm sure of it," I said with a smile. "You've made that very clear!"

"Then, yes, unfortunately! Well, unless you wish to talk to my dad about a wedding!"

"You know we're not ready for that, Tasha. You need to graduate first."

"I know," she sighed.

We were quiet for the rest of the ride to her house, which let me consider exactly how I felt about her and about what she wanted. The problem, as I'd identified the previous Summer, was that she had two years before she even graduated High School, and if she planned to go to college, that meant six more years before we could even consider marrying. If she didn't plan to go to college, I wasn't sure we could afford to marry. No matter what she wanted, I had to think about the practical considerations.

The question about how I felt about her was complicated. She'd been the object of my desire for so long that I couldn't be sure about my feelings. My first thoughts when Mrs. Orlova had played matchmaker had been that Tasha and I would marry as soon as possible and that anyone else I would date would merely be temporary. But that had gone out the window when Jocelyn had admitted her feelings for me, and that had broken the spell, so to speak.

In a sense, the fact that we had several years before we could even consider any kind of commitment was helpful. Added to her views on sex, it meant that I could simply wait and see how things played out. That was what Melody was doing as well, and what she'd said to me had made sense. I'd resolved the situation with Jocelyn, as Melody had suggested I needed to do. Which brought me to Katy, who WAS pushing things forward. She and I would need to have a lengthy talk before we took the next logical step, so that I didn't allow my desire to sleep with her to determine my future.

At the Antonovs', Tasha and I were permitted to sit by the fireplace but not lie together on the rug. We had a nice afternoon, talking, drinking hot chocolate, and simply spending time together. After dinner, we returned to sit by the fire and managed to exchange a few nice kisses when her parents were not in the room. I got a VERY nice kiss just before I left for the evening.

"How are things with Jocelyn?" Mom asked when I sat down at the kitchen table with a mug of tea.

"I think we finally got to the place we need to be to be best friends again."

"Are you sure about that?"

"I think so, but you asking me makes me wonder what you're seeing that I'm missing."

Mom shook her head, "Nothing specific, but it is very difficult to stop having sex with someone once you start, especially when you care for each other as much as you and Jocelyn do."

"Experience?" I smirked.

"No comment!" Mom laughed, answering the question without having to directly answer.

"Honestly, I think we're in a good place."

"You know you're going to have to be on your guard with her for the rest of your life."

"What makes you say that?"

"A fight with your spouse, a bad day at work, or some seriously emotional situation could lead one of you to temptation and the other one to succumb in a moment of weakness."

"I would NEVER cheat!" I stated firmly. "Never!"

Mom nodded and sipped her tea.

"It only takes one moment of weakness, Mike, and you have allowed young women to argue you into bed."

"Becky."

"And, unless I miss my guess, Melody as well."

"Sort of," I admitted. "She tried, but I pushed back and even quit seeing her until I was ready to take our relationship to that point."

"Just be aware, Mike. You and Jocelyn are so close and mean so much to each other that the risk will always be there."

"There are some lines which simply can't be crossed," I said.

April 5, 1982, West Monroe, Ohio

"Well, if it isn't Dale Melrose!" I grinned, grasping his hand.

"Hi, Mike! Hi, Jocelyn!" Dale said.

He and Jocelyn exchanged a hug.

"A&W?" I asked.

"Let's go!" Dale said. "I know it's too cold to eat outside, but we can eat indoors. It's been WAY too long since I've had A&W!"

We got into my Mustang, and I headed for Rutherford.

"How is Madison?" Jocelyn asked.

"Great! I've never had so much fun in my life!"

"And the cheerleader?" I grinned.

"I told you she's dating some loser, and even if she wasn't, she's hung up on some dude from back home who's in Chicago."

"And her roommate?" Jocelyn asked.

"Pam? That was over at the beginning of last semester! I'm dating a girl named Kelly from California now."

"Girlfriend number nineteen?" she teased.

"She's the first one I'm basically steady with. The rest were just fun!"

"Got it out of your system, finally? You are there to study."

"No grade lower than a B+!" he said smugly.

"What about LAST semester?" she asked.

"I, uh, didn't crack the books as hard as I should have. I passed everything, though. How are you doing?"

"About 98%, I suppose," she replied. "I still have twinges and a very minor limp, but otherwise, I'm OK. I'll be starting at Taft in the Fall."

"You gave up on Purdue?"

"I'd decided to give up on Purdue before the wreck. That's why I was visiting McKinley."

"Why?"

"It's a long story," Jocelyn said. "But in the end, there was more to keep me here than to draw me away."

Dale shook his head, "There is no way I'm coming back here. I love Madison, and I think I'll stay in the area. Mike, my mom told me April's pregnant!"

"Emmy and Liz both told me," I said. "The rumor is it was her Sadie Hawkins' date. But I haven't spoken to her since everyone found out she was pregnant."

"You're seeing Emmy again? Her dad mellowed?"

"No. She snuck over to see Liz. She's absolutely not allowed to see me or Liz or be at our house. But I guess Emmy and Liz have found some workarounds."

"What about you, Mike?"

"Melody and I have been dating again for about a month, and I'm seeing a girl from church. I'm not steady with anyone, obviously."

"What about Tasha?"

"She's STILL not allowed to date," I groused. "I was at her house yesterday for dinner."

"She's what, a Sophomore?"

"Yes."

"Still got it bad for her?"

"I was asking myself that question yesterday. Even if I do, we're talking six years before she would graduate from college. I'll be doing my clinical rotations at that point, and then I'll have an Internship year following that. Not exactly the best time to try to start a marriage."

"So, what? Before then, or after?"

"That's been the dilemma ever since I understood what was involved in training. I told my advisor I needed an eighteen-year-old heiress who was a bikini model."

"Sign me up for that, too!" Dale quickly agreed.

"You two are pigs!" Jocelyn said, but she was laughing.

"And you'd pass up someone paying for college and law school?" Dale scoffed. "Riiiiigggghhhhttt!"

"I'll admit it might be tempting," Jocelyn replied. "Though for me, it would have to be a hunky twenty-five-year-old!"

"You wouldn't play for the other team for a free ride through college and law school?" Dale teased.

"Ewww! Gross!"

We had a good lunch at A&W, then headed to my house to play pool and listen to music, though our options were severely limited because my collection of albums was in McKinley, and I'd only brought home about a dozen tapes. We went to Ponderosa for dinner, though I had chicken, rather than steak, and then went to see A Little Sex, a romantic comedy starring Tim Matheson and Kate Capshaw. I wasn't thrilled with the movie because of the topic it covered — infidelity — which was the very thing my mom had warned me about with Jocelyn. When the movie finished, I dropped Dale at his house, then headed for Jocelyn's.

"You seemed a bit uncomfortable during the movie," Jocelyn said.

"Cheating is a huge issue for me," I said.

"I can't imagine you cheating on anyone!"

"Tell my mom," I sighed. "She suggested that, at some point, you and I would cheat on our spouses with each other."

"What?!" Jocelyn gasped.

"I've been thinking about what she said, and she has a point, Jos. As close as we are, she thinks it's a risk if one of us has marital problems or whatever, and the other one has a moment of weakness. I told her I thought she was wrong and swore I'd never cheat. But after watching that movie, I think she's right about both of us having to be on guard for our whole lives. She also made another point — that once you start having sex, it's hard to stop."

"THAT point I agree with!" Jocelyn growled. "When you left on Saturday, it really hit me that we'd never make love again and never even cuddle in bed. I LIKE doing that, and I love doing that with you. And now we can't. Or won't. Or whatever."

"Are we making a mistake?" I asked quietly.

"I think we made it years ago," Jocelyn sighed. "Now we're trying to figure out how to live with the aftermath."

"I know that. I didn't mean when we were fourteen. I meant over the weekend. What's happening now. Forget what happened before."

"Can we do that? Really? Can you really put aside the fact I can't have children? That I didn't trust you enough to tell you about that and tried to kill myself? You told me you couldn't."

"I know," I sighed. "My problem is I made up my mind what was going to happen, then after the accident and your suicide attempt, I changed my mind about what was going to happen. I'm just afraid I'm going to hurt you worse than I already have."

"I hurt you, too, Mik. And I'm sorry I said what I said before."

"About how you feel about not making love or cuddling that way in the future? Why apologize for saying what you feel?"

"Because it just reopened the entire conversation and confused you. And me."

"I don't think I'm any more confused right now than I was before I picked you up this morning so we could hang out with Dale. If we start holding back our feelings from each other, we're just repeating the same stupid mistake we started making in eighth grade."

"What are you saying?"

"I have no idea," I said. "Remember what I said about this being more difficult than I thought it would be? It is."

"You want to keep playing house?"

"No. Remember what I said. Either we're a couple, or we aren't. Let me ask you this — how are you going to feel in the Fall when you see Melody and me together? When she sleeps in my room a few nights a week?"

"I'll hate it," she said quietly.

I turned to see her eyes glistening in the dim light from the dash.

"What do you want to do, Jos?" I asked.

"I have no idea," she sighed.

When we arrived at her house, I walked her to the door, and she turned.

"I don't even know what to do at this point," she sighed. "Do I kiss you? Hug you? Just say 'good night'? Invite you in and convince you to ravish me? What do YOU want?"

"I have no idea."

We stood there looking at each other for a minute, then by mutual unspoken consent, we hugged, and she went inside. I walked slowly back to my car, got in, and headed home.

April 6, 1982, West Monroe, Ohio

"What's bugging you, Mikey?" Liz asked at breakfast.

"Life," I sighed. "Actually, life, the universe, and everything. And the answer isn't '42'."

"Huh?"

"It's from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. They built a supercomputer and asked it for the answer to life, the universe, and everything. It came up with '42'. It's actually a bit more complicated, but I know you hate science fiction, so I'll leave it at that."

"So, what's bugging you?"

"Girls. Relationships. Sex."

"The usual problems of every college-age man," Dad said as he walked into the kitchen. "And for which there are no easy answers."

"I'm discovering that," I said.

"How is Dale?"

"Living the life of a single, carefree college student," I chuckled.

"I'm almost afraid to ask how his grades are," Dad said warily.

"Good this semester; so-so last semester. But he's a business major, so he doesn't have the same concerns Jocelyn and I would have with a sub-par semester."

"One bad grade will hurt you that much?" Liz asked.

"Getting into medical school is really competitive. I can't afford to not have a 4.0, and I have to ace the MCAT. If I don't, I'm done for."

"And he's going to do it," Mom said, coming into the kitchen.

We ate our breakfasts, and Liz and I cleaned up while they got ready for work. They left just after we finished cleaning, and Liz and I went to the basement to listen to music and talk.

"Now that they're gone, we can actually talk!" Liz said. "Is something wrong with Melody?"

I shook my head, "No, I'm just confused about Jocelyn."

"You two are still screwing?!"

"Lizzy," I sighed.

"Sorry."

"We're trying to figure out what exactly our relationship should be. We're both really confused. I THOUGHT we had things worked out on Friday evening, and everything was cool on Saturday morning. But now I'm not so sure."

"You're in love with her, aren't you?"

"I have no idea," I said. "I'm totally confused because she's my best friend, but she was going to be my girlfriend, but then that ended, and then it got even more complicated."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I have no clue."