Chapter 69: Revelations

March 27, 1982, McKinley, Ohio

I was still thinking about Katy as I walked to the Quick Mart for my weekly shift on Saturday morning. There was no doubt in my mind that sooner rather than later, Katy was going to ask me to 'go all the way', and I'd have a very big decision to make. When I'd mentioned going steady, she'd immediately thought about having sex. The linkage was just as clear as Tasha's linkage between marital crowns and sex.

If I decided to 'go all the way' with Katy, it would mean ending things with Melody, and I didn't want to do that. There was no way, in this case, I could 'eat my cake and have it, too'. And I would have to make the decision myself — not Katy, not Melody, and not Jocelyn. The proverbial buck would stop with me. And that was something I would need to get used to, working in an ER. Life and death decisions would be an everyday occurrence. If I doubted myself, I'd never be able to make the tough calls.

And that led me back to the question I'd asked myself while driving home — had I made the right decision about what I'd done with Katy? She'd wanted to do it without question, and she'd had plenty of time to reconsider. But just because she wanted to do it didn't mean we SHOULD have done it. Had I let my lust, my desire to see her naked, and my desire to taste her, cloud my judgment? I wondered, given I wasn't ready to go steady with her or make love to her, if I should have kept things where they'd been.

With no resolution in sight, I walked into the Quick Mart and said 'hello' to Nancy, then went to put on my smock. I got to work and shifted back to thinking about what Melody had said to me. I'd be seeing Jocelyn in less than a week, and I needed to figure out what I was going to say to her. And that meant figuring out how I really felt about her and what I really wanted. And I had no idea.

I knew what I'd said to Doctor Hart and how I felt at the time. But Melody had pointed out that the way I was acting didn't match what I was saying. I knew that part of it was that I didn't want to hurt Jocelyn, and that had been my guiding principle from the first day she and I met in kindergarten and agreed to be friends. The question I had to ask myself was, had I let that guiding principle guide me into a bad decision? I'd need to think more about that.

Thinking about Jocelyn led me back to what she had said and what Melody had reinforced — that I needed to develop into a man with whom they could have a long-term, committed relationship. Melody had given me an outline of what she thought that might be, and as I thought more about it, so had Jocelyn. I'd identified the basic problem — that, like my dad, I was introverted and non-assertive, at least in the general case. My dad had said that I'd found my balls, so to speak. The issue that Melody and Jocelyn, before her, had raised was that I wasn't using them enough.

Melody's prescription was an interesting one, though she had made a distinction between the ability to confidently ask a girl on a date and actually doing it. The thing was, I was actually happy with the girls I was seeing, especially Melody. My dilemma, then, was to figure out how to become more confident about myself and my decisions. And once again, I saw my dad. If there were words I would use to describe him, 'confident' was not one of them. And I was modeling his behavior despite taking after my mom in so many ways.

I pushed all of those thoughts from the foreground of my mind into the background so I could do the paperwork that Mr. Sokolov had assigned me. That, and receiving deliveries, kept me busy most of the morning, with the only interruptions being for Nancy's breaks when I had to run the registers.

"You're awfully quiet today," Nancy said when she returned from her lunch break.

"I have a lot on my mind," I said.

"Is everything going OK?"

"Basically. I've just been doing a lot of thinking."

"If you want to talk..." Nancy offered.

"Thanks. How are things with you and your mom?"

"Pretty good. I'm looking forward to graduating. Are you still planning to go back to West Monroe for the Summer?"

"Yes. I don't think I can find a better deal than working at the hardware store and getting free room and board from my parents. That's part of their contribution to my education."

"That makes sense. I'll be working here all Summer and then in the Fall, obviously."

"I figured that would be the case. I'm sorry to cut this short, but I need to get to lunch and then to karate class."

"Are you here next Saturday?" Nancy asked.

"No. Paula will take my shift the next two Saturdays because I'll be home on Spring Break."

"See you in a few weeks, then."

"See you," I replied.

I went to the break room and took off my smock, headed to campus for lunch, then met Angie for karate class. After karate, we had our usual dinner out with the gang, then they all went bowling while Angie and I went to Vespers. We met up with them afterwards to listen to music and hang out, and then Angie and I did our evening prayers before I walked her to the border, where she hugged me and kissed my cheek before I went back to my room, where Melody joined me for the night.

March 29, 1982, McKinley, Ohio

"Good morning, Mike; how are you?" Doctor Hart asked when I sat down in his office for our monthly session.

"Pretty good," I replied.

"Your mid-terms went OK?"

"They did. I'm pretty sure I had A's on all of them."

"Great! So, is there anything you wanted to talk about today?"

I nodded, "Jocelyn."

"That's the girl back home who was in the accident, right?"

"Yes. I was talking with Melody, and she made some interesting points."

"Are you and Melody intimate?"

I nodded, "Yes, but I guess I'd say we're lovers rather than boyfriend and girlfriend."

"What's the distinction in your mind?"

"We aren't going steady."

"By your choice? Or hers?"

I shrugged, "I'm not quite sure. We talked in January about her approach to relationships and mine. We got past that when we both agreed to amend our primary criteria so we could explore a relationship."

"But now hers has been fulfilled. I'm guessing you agreed to delay discussions about church?"

"We've had some preliminary ones about what the minimum I could accept would be. I'm not sure we can reach a suitable middle ground, but I agreed to try."

"Because you wanted to have sex or because you think she's worth pursuing?"

"If I just wanted to have sex, that would have happened back in January."

"OK. What points did she make that are 'interesting', as you put it."

"That I'm not able to make a real commitment to anyone because of Jocelyn. Melody accused me of 'playing house' with Jocelyn and not being honest with myself."

"You and Jocelyn are intimate again?" Doctor Hart asked with an arched eyebrow.

"It's complicated," I sighed.

"No kidding! I thought we spoke about this. And that you talked to Jocelyn's psychologist about this."

"We did, and I did."

"And after telling her you weren't interested in a long-term romantic relationship, you went to bed with her?"

"This is going to sound totally wrong, but yes, because she asked me to."

Doctor Hart shook his head, "I don't think that was wise, and I think Melody may be on to something. Why did you change your mind?"

"I didn't," I said. "Jocelyn and I intend to be lifelong friends. She asked me to have sex with her after her doctor cleared her. She wanted it to be with someone who she was totally comfortable with and who would be gentle and careful and be get upset if there were problems."

"And that's all it took for you to go back on what you said?"

"I suppose."

"Did you consider what she was REALLY asking you for?"

"She told me!" I protested.

"Did she? Or did you hear what you WANTED to hear?"

"She's always been honest with me, except for that one time."

"Listen to what you're saying, Mike. She deceived you or lied to you once. In what? Thirteen years? And you're going to hold both your lives hostage to that mistake on her part? What message are YOU sending by going to bed with her? It wasn't just the one time, was it?"

"No."

"I reasonably certain Melody is onto something. Consider what you've done. A teenage girl has a horrifying accident and barely survives. She finds out, after surgery, that they had to perform an emergency hysterectomy. Think what that meant to her! She's just found out she can't have YOUR children, and that's in addition to her other injuries. Don't you think she might have been very emotional and not thinking clearly? And I'm not even considering the painkillers they would have been administering.

"She is completely distraught about the situation and doesn't know what to do, and it's eating away at her. She realizes she's made the problem worse by not telling you about it. So she tries to kill herself because her entire world, and your shared future together, has been shattered. Your response to that is to consider your options and tell her that you don't see a future together because she can't have your children. And you commit to me and her counselor that you're going to stick to your guns. Is that right, so far?"

I nodded, "Yes."

"And you kept the relationship proper for how long?"

I sighed, "Not very. I slept at Jocelyn's house because of the trouble with my sister. And Jocelyn and I ended up sleeping in the same bed, though we didn't make love. The same thing happened at Christmas. Then I went home in February and fulfilled her request."

"But not just that once."

"No."

"At her request?"

"Yes."

"Come on, Mike. You're logical. Think this through."

"Jocelyn is hoping I'll change my mind."

"What if I suggested that Jocelyn thinks you've already changed your mind?"

"If that's true, I've dug myself a very deep hole from which it might not be possible to extricate myself without causing severe harm to someone."

"Put yourself in Jocelyn's place. What does she see?"

"Hang on a minute," I said. "What about what she's said? And what I've said? And that we agreed we'd be the closest of friends, and my kids and her kids, which she said she plans to adopt, will be friends. If she's not telling the truth, then we go right back to the same problem we had after her accident."

"What we say, what we think, and what we hope aren't always the same. And, Mike, consider this — she's saying what she expects to happen. Is that what she WANTS to happen? Or maybe it's better to say HOPES will happen?"

"How do I even begin to deal with that?" I asked, exasperated.

"I don't know," Doctor Hart said with a gentle smile, "but perhaps you might ask Angie."

I sagged back in the chair, defeated by the simple fact that I HOPED things would work out with Angie, and I WANTED them to. And I did and said things I felt would keep the avenues open, even if they didn't pan out.

"I have no idea what to do now," I said. "Even talking to Jocelyn doesn't seem as if it'll resolve the issues."

"But that is where you'll need to start once you figure out what YOU want."

"I don't KNOW what I want," I said. "Well, beyond my medical license, at some point, a wife and kids."

"You basically had a single criterion, but you've even relented on that, at least a bit. How do you propose to know who the right girl is?"

"I'm not sure I can answer that question at this point," I said.

"But you ruled out Jocelyn."

"And April. And a few other girls I've dated or been interested in. I think the answer is that a girl is a viable option until I discover something I can't accept or we can't overcome. For April, it was church, and before you compare her to Melody, April ruled it out completely while Melody is open to a negotiated solution."

"And you ruled out Jocelyn because she deceived you and because you want biological children. But then you agreed to sleep with her."

"I guess I screwed up," I said.

"I'd say there's a good chance of that. Figure out exactly what you want, and then act in a way that is consistent with what you decide."

"Easier said than done," I sighed.

"Indeed. It's one of the biggest challenges we face as human beings."

"Do you have any advice?"

Doctor Hart nodded, "I do. Be true to yourself and act consistent with your nature. Do that, and you'll come out ahead most of the time."

"And if my nature needs to change?"

"In what way?"

"More confidence and more assertiveness."

"Melody again?"

"Yes."

"It seems as if she's taken a distinct interest in you beyond sex."

"So it would seem," I said.

"Is there anything else you wanted to talk about today?"

"Because the situation with Jocelyn wasn't enough?"

Doctor Hart's face changed to a friendly smile, "You have to tell me if there are more challenges in your life."

"I think Melody is right; I need to resolve the feelings I have for Jocelyn and settle our relationship before I think about doing anything else."

"I assume you'll see her during break?"

"Yes."

"Come see me when you get back."

"Will do. And thanks."

"You're welcome. I do want to make one point before you leave. It's just something to think about."

"Sure. What?"

"Do you think every patient who presents themselves for treatment will tell you, honestly and accurately, everything that you need to know to diagnose their illness? And will every test be conclusive? If not, how will you handle the situation? Don't answer; just think about it."

I nodded, "I will."

"Good."

We shook hands, and I left Student Health Services and went to find the gang for lunch.

March 30, 1982, McKinley, Ohio

"What did Doctor Hart have to say?" Melody asked on Tuesday afternoon after lunch.

"I told him what you said, and he basically agreed with you."

"And?"

"I don't have an answer."

"So you're reconsidering your decision about Jocelyn?"

"I'm not sure that's the right way to put it. I don't think I understand myself well enough to know what to do."

Melody nodded, "If you know that, then you know everything you need to know right now as a Freshman in college."

"But I still have to figure out my relationship with Jocelyn."

"No, what you have to do is figure out who you are and what you want. THEN you can decide what to do about Jocelyn."

"And what about you?"

"What about me? Have you heard a single complaint since we started actively dating last month?"

"No. Well, except for making the point about me 'playing house' with Jocelyn."

"Which wasn't a complaint; it was an observation. But my bottom line is I have what I want and need at the moment. I'm no more ready to make a long-term commitment than you are. On the other hand, I see some potential, so I'm exploring. You know I go out on dates on Fridays when you're with Katy. I'm not putting all of my eggs in one basket any more than you are."

"I suppose that makes sense," I said.

"Not to mention, I can get a very particular itch scratched in an enjoyable fashion!" Melody smirked.

"I'll admit that's a nice side benefit," I grinned.

Melody laughed and smacked my arm lightly, "Admit?"

"You know that wasn't my priority."

"Yes, I do. And honestly, after getting to know you better, I understand. You were never going to be the kid who went to college and went crazy."

"You don't seem to have."

"Nah. Zappa was right about the 'Catholic Girls', though! They're the biggest party animals in the school."

"Angie's Catholic," I said.

"The exception that proves the rule. I'm sure you've heard the other stories."

I shook my head, "Actually, I haven't. I don't pay attention to gossip, and our group doesn't really gossip at all. And honestly, you know me well enough that I avoid parties and partiers like the plague."

"Some of the gang go to parties," Melody observed.

"Sure, but they aren't partiers — they don't do drugs, they don't get drunk, and making allowances for Clark's stable of girls, don't go crazy with regards to sex. That said, Amy has Clark fairly well reined in at the moment."

"Sorry to change the subject, but you're leaving Friday right after class?"

"Yes. I'm giving Clark a ride as far as West Monroe. When do you leave?"

"My dad will be here on Friday evening to get me."

"Are you going to see your friend? The one who decided on factory work instead of college?"

Melody smiled and squeezed my arm, "I think I can do better."

April 2, 1982, McKinley & West Monroe, Ohio

"I'm ready, White Boy. Are you SURE this is a good idea?"

"I'm not seeing that girl anymore, and MY parents don't have a problem with black people."

"That cracker won't be around?"

"No."

"And his friends?"

"Nobody is going to hassle you. Besides, if you don't come with me, what do I tell your mom? Grab your bags, and let's go!"

I'd said 'goodbye' to Angie and Melody at lunch so that Clark and I could leave immediately following our class. I planned to drive through Wendy's on the way out of town so that we didn't have to worry about food. We locked our room, then rode the elevator down to the ground floor, walked out to the lot, tossed our bags into my Mustang, and got in.

"You and Melody seem to have a thing going. What happened with Angie?"

"Nothing. Angie and I are friends. It never really progressed past that. Amy seems to have you tamed."

Clark laughed, "Yeah, well, she's fun and doesn't bitch about stuff. But I still see some of the other girls from time to time."

"When Amy isn't watching!" I chuckled.

"True. What are you doing on break?"

"Not much, really. Just hanging out with my friends Dale and Jocelyn, plus some people from church. You?"