Chapter 68: Melody Explains It All

March 23, 1982, McKinley, Ohio

I had been extremely distracted during my drive from Circleville to McKinley and was having real trouble concentrating on my review for O-Chem, and the guys noticed.

"What's bugging you?" Jason asked. "You seem like you're on another planet."

"I know," I agreed. "I'm having real trouble concentrating."

"That must have been a hell of a concert!" Pete laughed. "Of course, seeing my girlfriend wrap her lips around a saxophone might distract me, too!"

"You're just making it worse!" Bill objected. "Mike, go take a walk, clear your head, and come back."

"I think Bill has a point," Kurtis said.

I nodded, "Back in fifteen minutes. Sorry, guys. I know we'll be up later because of me."

"Just go and come back in your right mind!" Pete said.

I got up and went to my room to grab my jacket and a baseball cap and walked to the elevators. When it arrived, I rode down to the ground floor, then walked out of the dorm. I decided on one lap around the campus and set out at a brisk pace, intending to do my best to clear my mind, but not sure that was possible.

I didn't understand why Katy's implication was having such an effect on me. As I walked, I mulled it over, and about halfway around campus, an idea suddenly popped into my head. The step Katy had suggested would lead me to confess what I was doing with her, and in her mind, that made this a serious step. She was willing to have Father Nicholas put two and two together and come up with the fact that because Katy and I were dating, SHE was the one I was engaging in 'inappropriate' behavior with.

That led me to the BIGGER problem, in a way. I was having sex with Melody and confessing that would make Father Nicholas think I was with Katy when I wasn't. And the basic rule was that I couldn't say anything that would identify my partner in sin, as it were. Add in the fact that Angie was coming to church with me regularly, and Father would be very uncomfortable.

I was right back where I'd been when I talked to my mom. My only real options were to marry or stop having sex if I wanted to make things right with the church. And I was honest enough with myself to know I wasn't going to stop having sex. I LIKED having sex. And even if I concluded I wasn't going to go further with Katy and break things off with Melody, there was my promise to Jocelyn, which I was NOT going to break for anyone or anything.

That left two options — avoid confession completely or omit an entire class of sin. The second option felt like lying, and I didn't think I could do it. Not going to confession was an evasion tactic, but it wouldn't involve lying or deception. At some point, Father Nicholas would ask about confession, and I'd have to decide what to say to him, but in the short term, I could kick the can down the street a fair distance.

I didn't like that solution, but I didn't have a viable alternative. I was going to violate the Church's proscription on extra-marital sex, and no amount of fasting or prayer was going to change that. My mom had made her points quite well, and I knew she was right, and I knew I had to adopt her attitude, or I'd totally mess things up, either with Katy or Melody or school or with my luck, all three.

A resolution was made, and I returned to my study group, ready to focus and review for the exam. The guys noticed the change, and we completed our review at 12:45am. When I went to my room, I found Angie asleep on the couch. I wasn't sure what to do but decided she'd need to go back to her room no matter what, so I gently shook her shoulder. She woke up, sat up, and stretched.

"Sorry," she said. "I guess I fell asleep."

"It's late. Shall we do abbreviated prayers and get to bed?"

"Sure."

We did a short version of the prayers, and then I walked Angie to the border and got my usual kiss on the cheek before turning back to get to bed.

March 24, 1982, McKinley, Ohio

"Did you do OK on our O-Chem test?" Angie asked.

"Yes. I probably shouldn't have gone to Katy's concert last night. That totally messed up my schedule."

"You do like your routines, don't you?"

"Yes. And when I get out of them, I get out of sorts."

That wasn't the only reason, but it certainly had contributed.

"Isn't your job going to be fairly random?"

"Yes, but right up until then, it's very regimented and ordered. That's the crazy part. For the next seven years, I need to follow patterns of behavior that barely vary. Then, I'm thrown into a completely chaotic environment in an ER."

"You don't get to see that during medical school?"

"I'll have two trauma rotations, one each of the last two years, but pretty much all I'll do is observe and learn minor procedures like suturing."

"So, how do you handle curveballs?"

"I do my best not to strike out while waiting for a fastball!"

"Life seems to throw way more curveballs than fastballs. Maybe you should learn to hit them instead of trying to foul them off and protect the plate."

"I probably should because from everything I've heard and read, the ER is pretty much non-stop curveballs, knuckleballs, sliders, and screwballs."

"Then you'll fit right in!" Angie laughed.

"Thank you VERY much!" I said with feigned indignation.

"Hey, you said it, not me! Want to take a walk before the Vesperal Divine Liturgy?"

"Sure."

Angie went back to her room to get her jacket and met me at the elevators. We rode down, then walked out of the dorm. When we'd gone a short way, I felt Angie's hand brush mine, and when it happened a second time, I decided to take it in mine. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her smile, and we walked quietly hand-in-hand around the campus. It was a very simple first step, but it was also a big one. I wondered if the change in my relationship with Melody or going to Katy's concert had prompted Angie to make the gesture. Whatever the reason, I wasn't going to object at all.

"I think it's nice enough we can probably start running outside instead of in the field house."

"I think so, too," I agreed. "It'll be nice to get back outside."

"I checked with my parents about you visiting this Summer, and they said it would be OK to come visit for a weekend. We have a spare room you could use."

"Where exactly do you live?"

"Just off Beechmont Avenue in Cherry Grove. If you take Route 50, you get on I-275 in Milford, then go south a few exits to Beechmont."

"So, about an hour and a half from my house, roughly. Almost the same as if I take Route 50 into downtown Cincinnati. That makes it easy to drive down on a Friday night after work or first thing on Saturday morning and then back on Sunday evening so I can be at work on Monday."

"Do you work the Monday after Fourth of July?"

"No."

"That might be a good weekend. The fireworks in Cincinnati are really good, and then we'd have an extra day."

"OK. Let's plan on that one. It's basically right in the middle of the Summer, too."

"Would you be able to call me sometimes, too?"

"Of course. Maybe every two weeks? So we keep in good touch?"

"I'd like that," Angie said, squeezing my hand.

We arrived back at the dorm with just enough time to change for church, meeting once again at the elevator. Twenty-five minutes later, we walked into the nave. We took our places on the left side of the church near the chanter's stand so I could easily step over to chant the Psalms when the service began. About ten minutes later, I saw that Father Nicholas was ready to begin, so I moved to the chanter's stand.

After I chanted, I went back to stand with Angie until it was time to read the Old Testament lesson. As with the Psalms, it was proper to chant the lesson, which I did from the center of the church, after receiving a blessing from Father Nicholas. After Deacon Grigory read the Gospel, came my second favorite hymn of the Lenten season — Let my prayer arise in Thy sight as the incense...

When the service ended, Angie and I went to the church hall for the potluck supper. I was grateful that, as college students, we weren't expected to cook, as that would have been very difficult. Instead, we brought lemonade and orange juice, which we had picked up on the way to church. We ate with the rest of the congregation, then headed back to the dorms.

We spent an hour listening to music before we did our evening prayers. When we finished, I walked her to the border. She turned and gave me a light hug in addition to her usual kiss on my cheek. I smiled and watched her walk down the hall, then went back to my room so I could get ready for bed. When I came back from brushing my teeth, Melody was waiting on the couch. I took her hand and led her into my bedroom.

March 25, 1982, McKinley, Ohio

"There was something different about last night," Melody said as we listened to Picture This by Huey Lewis and the News after lunch on Thursday.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"It was like your heart wasn't in it. Like you were somewhere else."

I nodded slowly, "I guess I was."

"Angie? Katy?"

"Both, I think."

"If you don't talk to me, this will never work. First, I'm not jealous. If you and Katy got it on, or you and Angie had a make-out session, or whatever, I'm not going to lose my mind and act like some psycho High School girl whose boyfriend dumped her after getting her cherry. You didn't commit anything to me, at least not yet. When and if you do commit, THEN I'll cut your balls off with a rusty spoon if you cheat on me. But you didn't cheat. So, talk to me."

"Angie held my hand when we walked yesterday, then she hugged me after we prayed."

"God, Mike, what do you SEE in that girl who has you tied up in knots by holding your hand and hugging you?"

I ignored her and continued, "Katy wants to escalate things, too."

"And that has you completely discombobulated. Now I get it. An embarrassment of riches."

"I don't know that phrase."

"Too much of a good thing. You're freaked out about having sex with two different girls. Three, I guess, if you count Jocelyn, but for some reason, that one doesn't bother you. But me and Katy? Or worse, me, Katy, and Angie? Your head is about to explode. Just relax and go with the flow."

"You seem cavalier about this," I said carefully.

Melody smiled, "Because I'm not worried about a High School Junior or a frigid college girl?"

"You are REALLY sure of yourself."

"When we started hanging out, we got along really well except for me pushing too hard about sex and you pushing too hard about church. It's gotten better since then, and the sex is awesome, to boot. You are nowhere near ready to commit to anyone in any way. If you try now, you'll either mess yourself up, or mess up your relationship, or both. If it's meant to be, we'll get there in due time. Rushing it, or demanding it in exchange for fucking, would make a complete mess of things."

"And how do you know that?"

"Because you and Jocelyn are still playing house. When you decide to stop, THEN I'll worry about you committing to someone. Before that? No. So, if Katy wants to give it up without a promise, go for it. If she's expecting a wedding ring like your girl during your Senior Year, don't do it. That's my advice."

"And Angie?"

Melody laughed, "She hugged you and held your hand? Whoo boy! If we weren't screwing, I'd say you were desperate and hard up, but you're getting it regularly. And even without your heart in it, you made me cum hard. And you seemed to enjoy it!"

"It wasn't just 'seem to', but you're right; I was preoccupied."

"A free clue — when a girl has your dick in her mouth, your mind should ONLY be on her."

"Sorry."

"The same is true when you have your dick in her pussy."

"I got it. I said I was sorry."

"I'm trying to make a point here, and I don't think you understand it."

"I don't think I do, either," I said.

"You have supreme focus in every instance of your life, except one."

"Relationships."

"Actually, sex, specifically. I think it's related to Jocelyn. You still have feelings for her, Mike. Deep feelings. Unresolved feelings. Until you fix that, you're going to have trouble with every other relationship."

"So why don't we have trouble?"

"Asks the man who was distracted by a High School girl while he was cumming in my mouth?"

"So now what?"

"Well, it all depends on what you want. Do you want the unvarnished truth?"

"I think so."

"You need to develop self-confidence. You stress way too much about things, even things you're good at. Since you've come to McKinley, have you asked a girl out? Any girl? I bet not."

I shook my head, "No, I haven't. But I've been dating a lot."

"Compared to whom? And, honestly, what are you doing with High School girls at this point? You're in college. OK, maybe I get Nancy because she's a Senior? But the girl back home is a Sophomore, and Katy is a Junior. Why?"

"The girls at church because of traditional Russian Orthodox matchmaking. Nancy because we worked together and hit it off."

"You told me you missed all the warning signs."

"No, I didn't miss them, I ignored them."

"Which you were doing with Angie, too. Why? You could have banged your guitar teacher's daughter into next week. Why pass on that? Because you lack self-confidence. I think you prefer High School girls because you feel safe, and you know they'll be happy to have attention from a college guy."

"I'm confused," I said.

"Obviously. But about what?"

"You clearly want me, but you're telling me to ask someone out? Saying it's OK to have sex with other girls? Why?"

"Because I want a confident, intelligent, mature man. You aren't there yet. Sure, you get good grades, and I'm sure you'll get into medical school. I'm pretty sure you'll become a doctor, but if you want me, or anyone for that matter, to put up with that bullshit, you better have EVERYTHING else in order. And you don't."

"So now what?"

Melody shook her head, "You asked that before. I actually can't answer that question. Only you can. Take charge of your life. I'm not just talking about your single-minded focus on getting into medical school, but everything. You don't need some old Russian ladies telling you who to date. Heck, you don't need girls asking you out and then dithering about what to do. Make up your mind, and do it."

"Aren't you worried about our relationship?"

"Have you listened to me AT ALL?" she asked, exasperated. "We're spending time together, we're working out our differences, and we're having good sex. I'm nineteen, for heaven's sake! If you asked me to commit right now, I'd say 'no'. I'm not ready, and you sure as hell aren't. But we can work towards it. Maybe it works; maybe it doesn't. That's what dating is all about. I'm confident in my ability to compete. You aren't. Fix that."

"And I fix that by asking some random girl on a date?"

"No, you fix it by having the CONFIDENCE to do that. Maybe you like what we have enough you don't ask, but until you're prepared to ask a girl out, I don't see how you can ask a girl to go steady."

"I got shot down a lot in High School."

"So does almost every guy. You cast your net wide and see what you can catch. A lot of times, it's nothing. But High School relationships are mostly for practice. I had mine. You had yours. But then you came to college, and until me, you were only dating High School girls plus playing house with Jocelyn."

"It sounds like you're telling me to dump Katy," I said.

"No, I'm not!" she growled in frustration. "I'm telling you to THINK about things. To have the confidence to make good decisions about relationships. Maybe that means you keep seeing Katy. Maybe it means you don't. But you're missing something very important. Do you know what it is?"

I nodded, "You're in control, and I'm letting you be in control. Well, minus withholding sex for a few months."

"And even there, you let me control things. Be a man, Mike, not a little boy. I'm not saying you should be a male chauvinist pig, but you shouldn't be a wimp or a doormat, either. And that's part of what college relationships are about. Figuring that out. So, figure it out."

"I think a good part of my problem is that my mom was in charge at home, and my dad modeled very submissive behavior. I mostly mimicked him."

"Mostly?"

"A couple of times, I was very forceful and took charge."

"Something you'll need to do in an ER if I understand correctly. Which means having the confidence to do it. It's up to you. If you can't do that, well, we have no future. And you may not achieve your goals. Single-mindedness isn't enough."

"You're right," I said. "It's not."

"Good. Now that you know the problem, you can work on fixing it. And that means working things out with Jocelyn one way or the other."

"You know, before her accident, she told me pretty much the same thing you have."

"That you had to grow up to have a proper adult relationship?"

I nodded, "That's a succinct way to put it, yes."

"She's right. I'd guess that if I ask her, she'll say you've grown, but not enough."

"Probably, but once she had her accident, things changed."

"Did they, now?" Melody asked, sounding disbelieving. "I don't buy that for a second. Before the accident, you were screwing and working on your relationship. After the accident, you were screwing and working on your relationship. Nothing changed except perhaps you being in denial about what it all means."

"Jocelyn and I talked about it," I protested. "And decided we're not suited to be a couple."

"Tell me, smart guy, what the difference is between what you and Jocelyn are doing and what you and I are doing."

"You and I are exploring a future as a couple. Jocelyn and I are not."

"Bullshit, Mike. And until you admit that to yourself and actually deal with it, you won't be ready to commit to anyone. That's fine with me, obviously, because it creates a situation where I have all the time in the world to decide if you're the right guy or not."

"Didn't you just spend fifteen minutes telling me I'm not?"

Melody laughed, "And yet?"

"You're still here, because you think I might be the right guy, if I, for want of a better term, get my head out of my butt."