Chapter 62: Decisions, Directions, and Distractions

February 15, 1982, McKinley, Ohio

"Mike!" Angie squealed when she opened the door to her room.

"Hi, Ang!"

She hugged me and kissed my cheek.

"I missed you! How was home?"

"Good," I replied. "Have some time for me?"

"Always! Your place?"

"Sure."

She took my hand, and we walked back to my room, where I put on Shadows by Gordon Lightfoot, then grabbed a couple of Cokes from the fridge.

"How was your weekend?" I asked.

"Quiet. Yours?"

"I spent some time talking to my dad. I haven't really done that before. It was good."

"How is Jocelyn?"

"She's basically recovered. She's all set to come to Taft next Fall."

"That's good."

"Before I went home, Doctor Blahnik offered me free guitar lessons if I would agree to sing with her daughter Milena."

"Really? Why?"

"Her daughter lost her singing partner, and I ran into the daughter when I went to my lesson. She asked if I sang, and I sang some Billy Joel with her. She liked it and talked to her mom. The problem is available time."

"How many hours would you need to spend each week?"

"At least five. Pretty much the only way I could do it is if I quit working, but my guitar lessons cost a bit more than I take home, so that would be a net plus, actually."

"So when would you sing with her?"

"An hour each on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons and then on Saturday morning. My concern is she'll want me to sing with her other times, you know, for concerts and stuff. And I'm not sure I'd have time for rehearsals. The only way I could do that would be to give up on karate, and I'm not sure that's something I want to do."

"How many concerts?"

I shrugged, "I have no idea. It could well be zero. My concern is that once I commit, she'll expect I'll sing whenever she needs me."

"Could you set limits in advance?"

"I'd have to talk to her, I guess. The other consideration is how long I'd need lessons. And could I get my job back in the future? If I could be assured of the RA job, then I'd be OK with it because that would mean having to quit at the Quick Mart anyway, but I can't even apply for that for another year."

"Have you talked to anyone about other grants? Maybe there's more money available from somewhere?"

"Maybe. I'll have to ask Doctor Stanton about that. Maybe I'll offer to sing with her on Tuesdays and Thursdays after guitar lessons as a trial thing and see what happens. That really would only take away a bit of homework time."

"Don't overtax yourself."

"I know. I'm trying to find the right balance. Just out of curiosity, how wedded are you to karate?"

Angie smiled, "I only go because you go. If you stopped, I'd stop."

I nodded and understood exactly what my mom and others had been saying about Angie. She was doing exactly what she needed to do to show me she could handle my life, even if she wasn't ready to get involved in a romantic relationship.

"So what do you think?" I asked. "I'm really interested in your opinion."

"I'm no expert, but I think you are better at singing than karate. And honestly, $40 per month is serious money for you. I know you budgeted for it, but you could save part of it and be more flexible about what you can do when we go out. And you'd have that time back. We get our exercise by jogging in the mornings, and that's free."

"And work?"

"I can't imagine you'd have a tough time getting a part-time job if you needed one. And as you said, for at least the next year or so, you'd come out ahead. That's especially true if you can find another grant."

"I'll talk to Doctor Stanton tomorrow," I said. "What do you want to do for the rest of the day?"

"Let's just hang out here until dinner, if that's OK with you."

"Sure. I have some homework to do, but I can do it after dinner."

"Me, too, so it sounds like a plan!"

February 16, 1982, McKinley, Ohio

"There are a number of organizations that offer grants," Doctor Stanton said when I stopped in his office before my lab on Tuesday morning. "I'll get you a list. You do need to get your applications in right away, though. Many of the deadlines are March 1st."

"How do they work?"

"All of them have some kind of requirement. I'll leave off the ones that are limited to females or minorities. The rest you'll have to read through and decide if you qualify. I know there are some specifically for pre-med, so I'd start with those."

"Thanks, Doctor Stanton."

"There are non-academic grants as well, but most of those require membership in some kind of organization. Were you ever a Boy Scout?"

"No."

"And you're not Jewish, are you?"

"No."

"You might check with the pastor of whatever church you attend, which I believe you said you do, and see if they have any grants or scholarships."

"I'll do that. Thanks again."

He went to his filing cabinet and pulled out a thick packet of paper, which he handed to me.

"Those are the ones for which non-minority male students might qualify."

I thanked him again and then went back to the dorm. I put the papers on my desk, grabbed my books for chemistry lab, and headed to the sciences building. When I arrived at the lab, I sat down between Jason and Bill and took out my materials. Viktor started lab a few minutes later, and we spent the next two hours doing the required experiments and observations. When class ended, I went back to the dorm and sat down with the packet of grants.

I paged through them quickly, eliminating any which had a requirement that clearly excluded me. Many of the grants were only available to Juniors and Seniors, so those were out for at least another year. Several others came with Summer Internship requirements, but quick calculations told me I'd come out ahead by working for Mr. Orlov because I wouldn't be able to live at home with an Internship in Pittsburgh or Cleveland, and Cincinnati or Columbus were more than an hour's drive away.

In the end, I found six likely candidates, all of which were academic with a 'need' component and which were limited to Ohio. I had no idea what my chances were, but I read through each of the six and decided to apply to all six. I made some notes but then had to stop for lunch. After lunch, I headed to the Humanities Building for my guitar lesson.

I was happy Milena wasn't around on Tuesdays, as that allowed me two more days to think through the question of whether I wanted to sing with her or not. I was leaning towards it, but I hadn't made a final decision. I spent the hour with Doctor Blahnik, then headed back to the dorm to do some homework before karate lessons. After karate, the gang had dinner, and then we had our study group, and finally, at 11:00pm, Angie came for her usual evening visit.

"Do you remember what I told you about the service schedule for Great Lent?" I asked.

"Yes. The Vesperal Divine Liturgies on Wednesdays and that other service on Fridays. Plus Vespers on Saturday."

"The Friday service is called the Akathist. And those Divine Liturgies are 'Pre-sanctified', which means the Eucharist was consecrated the previous Sunday. I'll need to sort Fridays out with Katy because that's the only night we can go out. There are other services during the first week of Great Lent, but studying and homework kind of limit our ability to go to those. Holy Week is going to be a real bear because there are services every night, and they're long, not to mention the services on Thursday and Friday, which mean missing class."

"Did you talk to your advisor about those?"

"Yes. And the professors. Because they're religious in nature, we can be excused. We just need to inform the professors in advance. That's Thursday morning and all day Friday, April 15th and 16th."

"OK. I'll talk to my professors. Are we going to Vespers tomorrow and Saturday?"

"Yes."

"Shall we say our prayers?"

I nodded, and we went into my bedroom, where I lit the candle and incense, and Angie and I prayed together before I walked her to the border and received a kiss on the cheek.

February 17, 1982, McKinley, Ohio

On Wednesday evening, after Vespers, I went to confession with Father Nicholas, and afterwards, at my request, we went to his office to talk.

"Before we start, tell me more about your friend Angie."

"There isn't much to tell," I said. "We like each other, but we're just friends for now, and maybe it'll stay that way."

"Is that because of what happened this weekend with your girlfriend back home?"

I smiled, "She's not my girlfriend in that sense, Father. I know you don't approve, obviously, but she's my best friend, and I was providing the love and support she needed. But as I said in confession, we both believe that part of our relationship has come to an end."

"You're dating Katy Malenkova?"

"Yes, Father, and I have nothing to confess about that. I would have told you if I had."

"Your friend Angie, she knows you're seeing these other girls?"

"Yes. But that's not what's keeping us from dating. She has some problems which she needs to overcome. She's seeing a counselor about those."

"She's been attending faithfully for some time. Is she interested in being received as a catechumen?"

"I haven't asked her because I'm concerned she'd do it to make me happy."

"Even though she's not your girlfriend?"

"My mom thinks Angie has a master plan that involves marrying me, and she's taking it slowly, step-by-step."

"What do you think?"

"I think you would need to talk to her, Father. I'm sure she'd talk to you about it. She's planning to come to as many of the Lenten services as we can manage with our school schedule."

"It's unfortunate that your Spring Break is a week earlier."

"Blame the Romans! They moved Easter!"

Father Nicholas laughed, "They might quibble with that argument, but obviously, I agree with you. So, what did you want to speak to me about?"

"My advisor suggested I ask you if the OCA offers any kind of grants or scholarships for college students."

"There are a few, but most of them are for seminarians only. You wouldn't be interested in being a priest, would you?"

I shook my head, "I don't have the calling, Father. I could go through the motions and learn homiletics, but I could never truly be a good priest where it matters — pastoring a church."

Father Nicholas smiled, "Some people grow into the job, if you will, but if you don't feel called, I wouldn't presume to push you. On the other hand, would you be willing to speak to the Bishop about being a Subdeacon?"

"Not right now, Father, but I might consider it in the future. I do miss serving in the altar, but there are a few areas in my life I'd need to get in order first."

"True. Would you be willing to sing or chant during Lent? I'm sure you know how raw some voices get from all the services. It wouldn't be every week, and Father Herman says you did some chanting at Holy Transfiguration."

"Sure. I'd be happy to do that or do Scripture readings at Vespers or Matins."

"Good. I wish I had a better answer for you on college funds."

"That's OK, Father. It was just a question. There are several other avenues I'm pursuing."

"Is your friend still here?"

"Yes. She rides with me."

"Let's see if she'll speak to me."

We went out to where Angie was waiting, and she readily agreed to speak with Father Nicholas. I went back into the nave and knelt quietly on the floor with the Psalter and read Psalms until Angie came and put her hand on my shoulder about twenty minutes later. I got up, put the book back on the shelf by the Reader's stand, and Angie and I walked out to the car.

"Did you know what he was going to ask?" she said once we were on our way back to campus.

"He asked me what I thought, and I told him he'd have to ask you. I couldn't speak for you, and it had to be your decision."

"I'm not sure."

"Then wait," I said. "There is no rush at all."

"He did say it was traditional to be baptized on Saturday morning before Pascha."

"Which comes every single year," I replied with a soft smile. "So if not ten weeks from now, then a year and ten weeks. Or two years and ten weeks. Or whenever you're ready."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Be faithful to yourself. You know my feelings about marriage and raising my kids Orthodox, but we aren't at that point, and you've made it clear we may never be at that point. So, if you do this now, it's purely for you. You can keep coming to church with me for as long as you like, even if you're still nominally Roman Catholic."

"Nominally?"

I chuckled, "You go to an Orthodox church every Sunday, say morning and evening prayers, and follow my fasting rule as closely as you reasonably can. You're Roman only in name at this point."

"I suppose that's true. What did you find out about grants or scholarships?"

"Would you want to be a priest's wife?" I asked lightheartedly.

"No way!" she laughed. "Is that what he said?"

"The OCA mostly only has grants and scholarships for going to seminary, so there isn't really anything available. I'll just apply for the grants I identified and take it from there."

February 18, 1982, McKinley, Ohio

"How about a trial run?" I asked Milena on Thursday afternoon after my guitar lesson ended.

"What did you have in mind?"

"An hour after my lessons on Tuesday and Thursday and an hour on Saturday afternoon. For now, that lets me keep working on Saturday mornings. But that would only go until mid-May. I'm going home to West Monroe then, and I'll be working full-time in the local hardware store. I won't be back until a few days before school starts again in the Fall."

"I'm not sure I could go the whole Summer without a singing partner."

"What are you doing now?"

"Auditioning for a replacement."

"Do you have other options?"

"Sure, but remember what I said about you being teachable? You'll do things exactly the way I want."

I grinned, "So it's about being in control? Is THAT why you dumped your other partner?"

"Partly, yes. And partly because he was just too full of himself, and I think that contributed to him not wanting to do things my way."

"And you weren't interested in enticing him?" I asked with a wry smile.

Milena laughed, "It wouldn't have mattered. He's gay; flaming, even."

"Was that part of the issue?"

"Not at all. I don't care who he fucks. That's not my business. Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"What would it take for you to stay here over the Summer?"

"A full-time job that paid at least $3.25 an hour, which is just above the new minimum wage that went into effect last year, and free room and board, or a high enough wage to pay whatever rent I had."

"Not an easy thing to do in a crappy economy. I take it your job back home is guaranteed?"

"Yes. My grandfather's best friend runs a hardware store. I'll be working there. I've worked there since just before I turned sixteen, part-time during the school year and full-time over the Summers."

"I'm not sure I can help you there, but maybe Mom can. As for room and board, we have an extra room in our house."

I smirked, "I thought there were fringe benefits with this offer!"

Milena laughed, "You didn't seem interested, so I figured I'd drop it."

"Let me ask YOU something. If it wasn't for singing, would you want to go to bed with me?"

"Nice way to turn the tables and put me in an untenable position!" she laughed. "If I say 'no', I insult you badly. If I say 'yes', then it's no longer a fringe benefit!"

I smiled but shook my head, "Saying 'yes' is not a commitment to going to bed with me; it's just an admission you would want to do it with me without the quid pro quo of singing with you. Two very different things. And I won't be insulted if you tell me it's purely because of the singing."

"You sound very secure," she said with a smile. "Want to come home with me and see how good it might be?"

"I can't commit to singing with you," I said.

"Did you just turn me down?" she asked, hands on hips.

"You have me thoroughly confused now. I don't know the terms of the deal I'd be agreeing to!"

"No terms. You come home with me, we fool around for a couple of hours, and then decide if we want to fool around again."

Which was what Jocelyn had recommended — a simple, casual, no-strings-attached love affair. I'd turned down Jeannette and Marie, though Angie had to factor into that because they were her friends. But even so, I felt I would have turned them down anyway. I'd also turned down Melody, and in some ways, Milena was similar, though she wasn't quite as aggressive.

"I may regret saying this, but a casual fling just isn't my thing. I'll sing with you on the terms I set, but sex won't be part of it."

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

"I'm dating, but nobody steady."

"Huh. A college Freshman guy turning down sex with a college Junior girl. Color me both confused and impressed at the same time. Are you not attracted to me? Or is it something else?"

"Just me. I think you're cute, but, and please don't take this the wrong way, that's not enough."

"So what WOULD be enough?"

"Some semblance of a relationship. I'm not the guy who goes to the party looking to get laid. I'm the one who asks for a phone number, calls her later, takes her out a few times, and sees how things develop."

"So if I went out with you a few times, then you'd consider it?"

"Possibly. Why are you trying so hard?"

"You're new and different. I like new and different."

"And that justifies casually having sex with me?"

"I don't want a complicated relationship. I'm WAY too young for that. I've always dated non-exclusively. I sleep with who I want to and don't sleep with who I don't want to. It's been that way since I was fourteen. Maybe in five or six years, I'll think about a serious relationship, but not at twenty-one! Now is the time to just have fun. But you don't see it that way, do you? You're too focused on your career goals."

"I'd say that's accurate."

"I like my career goals better, no offense. I can do what I love and have as much fun as I want. Did you ever hang out with any band members or drama club members in High School?"

I shook my head, "No."

"Then you missed the most fun you could possibly have with your clothes on OR off! Band parties and cast parties are THE BEST."

"I was in the chess club," I laughed.

"Hmm; probably not a hotbed of sexual activity."

"It was almost exclusively guys."

"Sounds perfect if you're one of the few girls, though I guess chess players aren't like actors and actresses or band members."

"Not that I'm aware, though there were rumors about this guy over near Cincinnati who invented 'Strip Chess' and got a lot of girls to play with him."

"Now, HE sounds like the chess player I want to meet!" Milena laughed. "But I think, based on everything, I probably need to keep auditioning for partners."

I nodded, "I figured that would be the case."