Chapter 61: Fathers, Sons, and Daughters

February 14, 1982, West Monroe, Ohio

"How are things going, Mike?" Dad asked when I sat down on the stool in the corner of his workshop.

"Good, now that all that stuff with Family Services is done. How have things been at home?"

"Your mom and sister put on brave faces, but Liz is struggling."

"They both said her schoolwork was good and she seemed OK when I talked to her."

"She has good days and bad days. Doctor Newton says she's struggling with her feelings for Paul."

"Paul? Really?"

"She was really in love with him, according to Doctor Newton. I suppose that's partly my fault."

"Your fault? You were a pretty good dad. You fed, clothed, and housed us, never missed an event at school, including my boring chess tournaments and karate promotion tests, are helping me pay for college, and loved our mom. I'd say that puts you in the top ten percent."

"All of that is true, but it wasn't enough. I took care of all your physical needs, but you went to your mom for your emotional and spiritual needs. I did what my dad did, and it wasn't right. Don't perpetuate the error. And help me rectify it by talking to your kids. I mean, really talk to them. Get to know them, like your mother did with you."

"I don't think it's right for you to take all the blame," I said. "Liz didn't have a close relationship with Mom, either."

"That had a lot to do with your personality. You needed and craved that kind of relationship and sought it out. You went to your mom because, as I've said, you two are kindred spirits."

"Which sounds like the relationship problems are at least partly Liz's fault."

"As a parent, you need to cultivate that kind of relationship, starting at a young age. It's one thing to do it and have the kid reject it; it's a very different thing not to do it. That's what I'm asking you to promise to do."

"You aren't a failure," I said, trying to reassure him.

"It's difficult to see it that way when you have exactly one job — raising a healthy, happy child to become a responsible adult and a productive member of society."

"But some things are outside our control, aren't they? Liz certainly didn't ask to be assaulted by those «мудаки» (mudaki). Did she put herself in a bad spot? Sure. But that didn't give them license to rape her! And a teenager making a bad decision is hardly the sign of parental failure!" ("assholes")

"You sound like the therapist I'm seeing."

I smiled, "That has to be on account of all my sessions with Doctor Hart. I blamed myself for what happened to Liz. I still do, to some extent. I understand where you're coming from, Dad. But seriously, you're going to, God willing, have a son who's a doctor with at least a couple of grandkids. And I think, in the end, Liz will get past this and be very successful at whatever it is she wants to do."

"But something led your sister to experiment with drugs and to act inappropriately with boys?"

"Hormones? Rebellion? Thinking she was in love? Curiosity? I'm sure there are other possible reasons. In the end, she made one bad decision that totally spiraled out of control. Maybe you had some part of that. Maybe Mom did. Maybe I did. But in the end, the real culprits here are the Kramer brothers, not Liz, not you, not me."

"Maybe if I'd provided more emotional support and been closer to her things would have gone differently."

"Maybe that would have helped; maybe it wouldn't. We never talked about this, and I'm sure Mom didn't say anything, but at fourteen I was trying to get girls to do stuff. And I don't mean just kisses. I hardly think that's your fault! And it sure wasn't for lack of guidance from Mom. You and I also never talked about why the «бабушки» (babushki) push the young men and women to become couples when the girls are fifteen and sixteen and the guys are seventeen or eighteen. Do you know why?"

"I just figured it was an 'Old Country' thing."

I shook my head, "That was when I was little. Then it changed. And it changed because they recognized two things. One, teenagers are horny — both boys AND girls. And two, both the boys and the girls were looking for romantic partners outside the church. You know the traditional bit that betrothal occurred several months before the actual marriage, right? Well in some Orthodox cultures, that was license to have sex because the crowning was a foregone conclusion. All those ladies like Mrs. Orlova and Mrs. Krasteva and Mrs. Romanova see what's going on and their solution is to marry the kids off and let them screw."

"Get out of here!" Dad said in disbelief.

"It's true. I see it at Saint Michael just as I saw it at Holy Transfiguration. Why do you think Mrs. Orlova pushed Tasha and me together? Or in the new church, Mrs. Sokolova pushed me and Katy together. It's especially important in Katy's situation because her family is very lax and she's likely to marry outside the church and never return. You've heard Father Herman complain about that. Well, those old Russian ladies know how to solve both problems."

"I still find that hard to believe!"

"Dad, we aren't Calvinists. Sex is a part of the natural order of things. Delaying marriage until our mid-20s creates a span of at least six, if not eight, years of hormone overload with no outlet. Now, the Church, in the guise of the «бабушки» (babushki), who REALLY run the church, not the bishops, isn't going to say that sex outside of marriage is OK. So what's the solution? Marry the kids off so they can screw and have an outlet for their desires."

"I'm not sure that's the best reason to marry."

I smirked, "You felt it was. Well, you felt that once you'd done it, you had to marry Mom."

"You know, one of these days..." he laughed.

"Come on, Dad! If I spill my guts to her, she basically has to do the same with me. And that was MY plan, by the way. If Jocelyn hadn't had her accident, or more specifically, hadn't lied to me about her hysterectomy, she might well have been the only woman I was ever with in my entire life."

"You could have handled not having kids? Well, biological kids?"

"I have no idea," I sighed. "But breaking trust just put a dagger in my heart."

"And that's how you felt about your mom and the accusation."

I nodded, "Yes."

"I do have to ask you about you and Jocelyn now. What's going on there?"

"She's my best friend," I said.

"And you sleep with all your friends?"

"No, of course not! The situation with Jocelyn is, well, unique. We both know exactly what's going on and what it means."

Dad shook his head, "It's just..."

"I know," I said gently. "I totally understand your point of view. But this is something I need to do for Jos. And it's something only I can do. I have to leave it at that, but I hope you'll trust me when I say it's not only right, but necessary."

"You're an adult, Mike. But remember this — in the end, the only thing you have is your character. Honor, duty, fidelity, love, trustworthiness, friendship, all of those things feed into it. Everything else is just so much like dandelion seeds in the wind."

"I've had that debate with myself over and over again," I said. "I don't make decisions like that lightly."

"Good. Your mom tells me you and Nancy broke up."

"We did. In the end, we weren't on the same page about our relationship and we made a real mess of things. I'm as much at fault as she is, if not more. I saw the warning signs and didn't heed them. That's why I'm being careful with any girls I date."

"You've mentioned a few."

"I went out with a girl named Melody a few times, but we were not on the same page, so at this point, I probably won't ask her out again. I see Tasha when I'm home, and I'm regularly dating Katy from Saint Michael. Angie and I hang out a lot, but we're not dating. Well, there was also that girl Jody when I first got to McKinley, but that went about as well as things did with Cassie Nash when I was a Sophomore."

"You didn't have a lot of luck in High School until April," Dad observed.

"I think it was because I had it bad for Jocelyn. And even if it was subconscious, I think that caused me to mess things up. April and Emmy both more or less took the initiative. The same is true for Angie. Tasha and Katy were me being fixed up. It seems when I try to choose, I mess it up."

"An interesting observation. I'm not sure how much your mom told you, but she chose me, not the other way around."

She hadn't said that, but it made perfect sense given everything else I knew, which included things he didn't know. The more I thought about it, the less I felt it would have been likely for an evangelical kid to ask out an Orthodox girl. Mom had no qualms about asking guys, as evidenced by her story about her first time.

"Maybe that's the lot of the Loucks men," I said with a silly smile.

"I can think of worse fates!"

"I should HOPE so!" my mom said, coming to the door.

"What's up, Rachel?"

"Emmy is here to see Mike. Unofficially, of course."

"To be continued, Dad?" I asked.

"Yes. Go see Emmy."

"Thanks."

I walked upstairs with Mom and found Emmy waiting in the living room.

"Hey," I said.

"Hi! My mom and dad are in Columbus this afternoon, so I called Lily to bring me here. She's waiting in the car. Can I tell her to come back in a bit?"

I nodded, "If you're sure it's safe. I'm heading to the Antonovs' house for dinner and could drop you at home if you wanted. If it would be safe."

"You could drop me at Lily's. She lives about a mile from me."

"Sure."

She ran out to the car, spoke to Lily, then came back inside. My mom had made hot chocolate, so we got mugs and went to the basement.

"How are you?" I asked.

"Not happy. My dad is a real dick. And my mom won't do anything about it."

"So you can't have a friend who has black friends?"

"Apparently not," she sighed. "Dad was ranting about how 'good white folks' can't live the way they want and do what they want because of uppity, uh, blacks."

"That's total BS! Clark, Carter, and Larry are exactly like us, except for skin pigmentation. They're nice guys."

"My dad doesn't see it that way. You haven't seen it, but in the basement are several Confederate flags."

"I bet they're the battle flags. They aren't mostly white, are they?"

"No; red with the blue cross and stars and small white stripes."

"That's the battle flag. One of the things Mr. Black taught us was that what everyone calls the 'Confederate flag' was never, ever the official national flag. It was a battle flag and a naval ensign. The actual, official flag had a small rectangular version on a white field, or later, with a white field and a red vertical stripe."

"Mr. Black? The English teacher?"

"And Current Events. He loves to teach stuff that doesn't appear in any of our textbooks. He's very interesting. You'll like him, I think. So your dad thinks slavery should come back?"

"No, he just doesn't want 'no-account blacks' to mix with 'good, Christian white folks'."

"My friends graduated High School with honors and are getting good grades. They're studying economics, chemical engineering, and secondary education with a focus on history. Hardly 'no-account'. Not to mention two out of three are at least nominally Christian."

"Don't try to have that argument with my dad."

"So now what?"

"Nothing, I guess. I wanted to see you, but I couldn't. I thought about sneaking to come see you in McKinley, but he'd see how many miles I put on the car and know where I went. I could come over today because I was at Lily's for lunch and don't have to be home until 6:00pm when they get back from Columbus. I have my mom's car at Lily's. I knew you'd be home because Liz told me on Friday."

"Are you dating?"

"Yes. I'm seeing a guy pretty regularly since Christmas, but it's not serious. I really want to go out with you, but..."

"I know," I said, taking her hand in mine. "I really enjoyed having you for a girlfriend over the Summer."

"And after that?" she smirked.

"I liked that. A lot!"

"If your parents would let you..."

"I'd have REAL trouble explaining that to my dad," I said.

"We can't go to my house because if my dad came home early, he'd kill both of us. I wonder if Lily would let us use her bed?"

"But we're not even dating now," I said gently.

She leaned close, "Mike, I need you. My body aches for you. I think about it all the time!"

"What about your boyfriend? And speaking of him, what are you doing here on Valentine's Day?"

"He's coming to dinner at the house tonight and then we're going out for ice cream."

"And you came here to see me?"

"It's the only chance I've had since Christmas. You don't come home very often and I can't come visit you. I like you a lot, Mike. I know I'm still a Sophomore and there's no way either of us can make a commitment, but I haven't found anyone I like being with as much as you, and NOBODY I want to BE with, if you know what I mean."

"Not your boyfriend?"

"Maybe eventually; but no, not now. Are you seeing anyone?"

"I'm dating, but I'm not serious with anyone. Nancy and I broke up."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"So there's a new girl?"

"I'm still hanging out with Angie, but we aren't dating; I went out with a girl named Melody a few times; and now I'm seeing a girl from church, but we've only gone out a few times."

"And you're still seeing Tasha, right?"

"Yes. What's your guy's name?"

"Rob Wolfe."

"Does he have a sister named Julie?"

"Yes. Why?"

"I asked her out once. She shot me down."

"You didn't seem to have much luck except with April."

"And you," I said, squeezing her hand.

"What time do you need to be at Tasha's?"

"About 5:00pm. I was going to shower before I went."

"Yes, please!" Emmy teased. "I really liked taking a shower with you!"

"ANOTHER thing that would be difficult to explain to my dad!"

"If I could find a way to visit you, would you let me?"

That was an interesting question. I certainly wouldn't mind hanging out with Emmy because I really did like her a lot. Sex was a different question, and it would really depend on what was going on in my life at the time.

"Your conflict is between you and your dad," I replied. "You know what could happen if he finds out. But if you want to visit, I'm OK with it. But make sure you call first, and remember, if I were to get serious with someone it would change things."

"I know. Or if I get serious with someone."

"I should probably get my shower and dress if I have to drop you at Lily's on my way to Tasha's."

"I'll hang out with Liz unless you want to invite me!"

"Want to? Yes. Should? No."

We got up, I hugged her, and she went to Liz's room. I went to my bedroom and got my robe and clean underwear, then went to the bathroom for a shower. After I scrubbed myself clean and dried off, I brushed my teeth, put on my briefs and robe and went back across the hall to dress. Once I'd dressed, I went to Liz's room to let Emmy know I was ready to leave.

After I said 'goodbye' to my parents, Emmy and I headed out to my car, and I drove her to Lily's. I walked her to the door, got a quick kiss, then got back into my Mustang and drove to the Antonovs' house, making a stop along the way to get her a single red rose.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Tasha," I said when she opened the door.

I handed her a card and the rose, resulting in a squeal, a very tight hug, and a very nice French kiss.

"Natalya Vasilyevna, that is NOT appropriate!" Deacon Vasily said gruffly.

"It's Valentine's Day, Dad! And he gave me a rose!"

"And you are sixteen! Not to mention you are supposed to act like a proper lady."

"Yes, Dad. Sorry."

"Sorry if I gave offense, Father Deacon," I said.

He smiled, "You've always been a gentleman, Mikhail Petrovich. Please continue to be."

"Yes, Deacon."

"May I take Mike to the sitting room?" Tasha asked.

"Yes, but leave the door all the way open."

"OK," she agreed.

Tasha took my hand and led me to the sitting room where she opened the card and read it. She gave me another kiss, but this one was just a quick touch of the lips.

"Thank you," she smiled. "I think Dad is worried."

"I think your dad has been worried since the first time we went to dinner, if not before!"

She lowered her voice and whispered, "And with good cause!"

I smiled and nodded, "How is school going?"

"The same as always. I wish I was graduating this year. Then I could get a job as a secretary, and we could marry, and you could make love to me day and night!"

"Work? School? Studying?" I asked mirthfully.

"Well, yes. Once the honeymoon was over!"

"As you seem to have this all planned, may I know the wedding date?"

Tasha laughed playfully, "You know I am teasing, Mishka. There is a long way to go before then."

"But only partially teasing."

"Yes, of course! I told you last Summer how I felt and what I wanted. But you aren't sure. Your training is important to you and you need to focus on that, and you aren't sure if being married before you graduate is a good idea. You told me that. I DO listen, Mishka!"

"I wasn't implying you didn't in any way. And I listen to you, too, Tasha! Your father has every reason to be concerned!"