Chapter 47: Should I Feel Guilty?

November 9, 1981, McKinley, Ohio

"OK?" I asked, shocked enough that I was rocked back in my seat.

"Yes. OK."

"OK to WHAT?" I asked warily.

"Getting married."

"You can't be serious! You're afraid of French kissing, and you want to get married?"

Angie smirked, "Gotcha! You should see the look on your face!"

"Nice." I laughed. "You did get me!"

"Sorry, I figured at that point I needed to do something to change the mood."

"By making my heart stop?!"

"Oh, come on! The first thought that went through your head was that you'd get me into bed!"

"And the second thought was that you would completely freak out, and things would be even worse because we were married."

"Please just let me be your friend. I need to work through my issues with kissing and stuff."

"I think the first time you see me go on a date, you're going to freak out, and everything is going to go right down the tubes."

Angie shook her head, "No. I'll be fine. I'm sure."

"I'm not."

"Then let's do a test, and we'll know immediately."

"I'm not sure I like the implications of that statement."

"I think we can get a ... what's it called? A win-win scenario?"

"I'm listening," I said.

"I don't want you to end up steady with a girl who you might decide you want to be with long term. You and Jeannette get along really well. Ask her out for Saturday. I know she's not interested in her MRS degree in any way. I'm sure she'll keep you happy for as long as you want."

"I don't get it!" I protested. "I'm OK with how things are between us. They can stay like this for as long as you like. And I'll stop seeing Emmy and Nancy. I'll just see you. Period. I'm OK with it."

Angie shook her head, "But I can't do that. Not now."

I checked my watch and saw we needed to leave to get to class.

"We need to get to class. Let's talk later, OK? Please do NOT say anything to anyone until we talk again."

"OK."

We downed the last of our coffee and tossed the cups and used napkins into the trash on the way out. We went to the dorm, gathered our books, and then headed to biology class. I needed advice, and I wasn't sure from whom to get it. I could talk to my mom or Jocelyn, but something just didn't feel right about that. None of the guys were likely to be able to help, as I would expect them to tell me to have my cake and eat it, too. Just before class ended, it hit me who I could ask.

"I need to run over to the administration building," I said at the end of class. "I'll see you guys in chemistry."

"Want me to come along?" Angie asked.

"I don't know how long I'll be. I'll see you at lunch, OK?"

"Sure."

I left the guys and Angie and headed to Doctor Hart's office.

"He has an appointment in about five minutes," the student at the desk of Student Health Services said.

"I need less than that," I said.

"One sec."

She called him, and he told her to send me back. I walked to his office and shut the door.

"What's up, Mike?"

I quickly explained the situation with Angie.

"She needs counseling," he said immediately. "If she doesn't get it, she's likely to have some sort of breakdown the first time she tries to advance intimacy beyond simple kissing. We don't have someone on staff who can do that kind of counseling, but there's a woman at the hospital who does, and she can work through us so that Angie's student health insurance covers it. We do that from time to time."

"So how do I handle it?"

"Be her friend. But don't walk on eggshells. There's no way I can predict from what you said how this will turn out. There are people for whom sexual intimacy is impossible. I'm not saying that's the case with your friend, but it could be."

"And dating her friend?"

Doctor Hart laughed, "A placeholder. She stashes you with her friend until she's ready to reclaim you. I've seen it before. It's not exactly a parallel, but did you read The Courtship of Miles Standish in High School?"

"I did. Mr. Black, our English teacher, said it was a great story about how to mess up a relationship!"

Doctor Hart laughed, "Among other things, yes. We'd need to do a bit of gender reversal, but you can see how something like that could backfire."

"So what do I do?"

"If you think I'm going to answer THAT question definitively, you're sadly mistaken. What I will say is consider what you would do if Angie wasn't in the picture. Then do that. Until Angie solves her fear of intimacy, you can't count on her for anything other than being your friend."

"OK. What do I tell Angie?"

"Have her come in, and I'll set things up. If she will, that is. She might refuse."

"All I can do is ask her."

"Correct. Then it's up to her."

"Thanks, Doc."

He smiled, we shook hands, and I walked back to the dorm. I gathered my books and headed to calculus class. Once class finished, Pete, Jason, and I headed back to the dorm. We worked on homework until the girls, Clark, Larry, and Carter, showed up, and we all went to lunch. When we finished lunch, I asked Angie to take a walk with me before calculus class.

"Will you do something for me? And for you?"

"What?"

"It's a deal that I think can help solve our problem."

"Really?!"

I nodded, "Yes. I talked to Doctor Hart, and he suggested you talk to someone about your fears and see if they can help you."

"You mean like a psychiatrist?"

"I think she's a psychologist, but yes. The difference is the psychiatrist can prescribe drugs and is a medical doctor. The psychologist is, well, similar but without being an MD."

"I don't know," she said softly.

"Angie, do you think you might want to marry me eventually?"

"Yes, you know that!"

"Do you think being scared of sex on our honeymoon would be a good way to start our marriage?"

"Probably not."

"Then you need to see the psychologist. If she can help you, then we can work on our real relationship."

"And your part of the deal?"

"I'll date. I'll even ask Jeannette out. But I want to see Nancy on Friday."

"And you'll still be my friend?"

"No matter what. But for us to really have that chance to be a couple, please see the psychologist."

"OK."

"Call Doctor Hart in Student Health Services. He'll set it up, and your student health insurance will cover it."

"You really want to be a couple, don't you?"

I nodded, "Very much so. When you're ready."

"You do know Marie will be jealous."

"No limits?" I grinned.

"You turkey! I should never have mentioned that in the first place."

"Call Doctor Hart after calculus. OK?"

"OK."

We headed back to the dorm to get our books and meet Pete and Jason for class.

November 13, 1981, McKinley, Ohio

"How did your counseling session go?" I asked Angie when she came back to the dorm after dinner on Friday.

"OK. She just asked me a ton of questions that didn't seem to have anything to do with the trouble I'm having."

"Like what?"

"My relationship with my parents, my relationship with my brother, school, that kind of stuff."

"Maybe she's just trying to get to know you," I said. "Doctor Hart has asked me questions like that."

"What are you and Nancy doing tonight?"

"Dinner and then we're going to see The Pursuit of D.B. Cooper."

"Who's that?"

"A guy who hijacked a 727 back in the 70s and bailed out the rear door with $200,000."

"Whoa! Did they catch him?"

"Not according to the review in the McKinley Times. This is a fictionalized account of how he escaped the FBI manhunt."

"Could we pray before you go?"

"Of course! I assume you'll be here for prayers and breakfast before I go to work?"

"Yes. 6:00am!"

We completed our prayers, then Angie sat on the couch and waited while I changed for my date with Nancy. When I was dressed, we walked to the elevator.

"What are you doing tonight?" I asked.

"Homework. If you're home early enough, come find me."

"I will."

The elevator arrived, and I got in without a hug or kiss and rode down to the lobby. I left the building and walked through the chilly November air to the Quick Mart. Nancy was just coming out the door when I arrived.

"Hi!" she said.

We hugged and kissed.

"Hi! Ready?"

"I was ready last Friday!" she growled.

"Blame the Baltimore and Ohio!" I chuckled.

"I can't believe it took four days to clean up that mess!"

"How long does your period last?" I teased. "I hear that's pretty messy!"

"YOU JERK!" Nancy screeched, pushing me away. "That's just rude! I shouldn't let you touch me after that comment!"

I laughed, "That's about as likely as President Reagan speaking at a Communist Party, USA meeting!"

"Now that's just as rude! You think it's a foregone conclusion?"

I laughed even harder, "Tell me, with a straight face, it's not!"

"Jerk!" she laughed.

"Let's go have dinner so we can get to the movie and be in bed at a reasonable time. We both have to work at 7:00am!"

We walked to the diner, ate our dinner, and hurried to the theatre for the 9:10pm showing of the movie. We both felt the movie was OK but not great. We walked from the theatre back to the campus to get my car so I could take her home.

"What are we doing next Friday?" she asked.

"I thought you had that all mapped out!" I chuckled.

"I meant before that!"

"It's really up to you."

"I think I'll cook for you."

"Sounds good."

I drove her home, and after I said 'good night' to her mom, Nancy gave me a French kiss that promised that the following Friday would be everything we both hoped it would be.

November 14, 1981, McKinley, Ohio

"Am I going to be happy at the end of this date?" Jeannette asked with a smirk as we walked towards a Chinese restaurant she wanted to try.

"That all depends on what you expect to happen."

"You aren't THAT ignorant!"

"And you are presumptuous. What would YOU think if a guy asked you out and expected you to do it with him?"

Jeannette laughed, "EVERY guy who asks a girl out expects her to do that with him, either immediately or eventually. Otherwise, they wouldn't ask."

"And you would?"

"No, of course not! But guys don't say 'no'! That's the power of being a girl!"

"You do realize you're giving me even more reason to not do it, right?"

"You're serious?"

"Of course I'm serious!"

"But you and Angie aren't even dating now!"

"So? That doesn't mean I go to bed with anyone who offers."

"You said you weren't a virgin, and Angie has no claim on you."

"And that doesn't make a single bit of difference. You're not a virgin. If some random guy asks you out and you're not attached, would you do it with him?"

"No, of course not!"

"Ah, I get it. Girls decide when to do it, and guys just fall in line."

"Well, duh! That is how it works!"

I shook my head, "No, it doesn't. At least not for me."

"God, Angie has you so tied in knots you can't even think about being with anyone else! She's never going to do it with you, Mike. Don't fool yourself."

"And I'm not going to do it with you tonight," I said firmly. "Don't fool yourself."

"I don't believe this!" Jeannette protested.

"Switch roles and tell me how you'd feel."

"But you're a guy!" she protested again.

"Obviously. And you're a girl. And those are the basic prerequisites, but to borrow a phrase, I'm not that kind of guy."

We arrived at the restaurant and were seated quickly. We checked the menus and ordered our food right away.

"I'm totally confused," Jeannette said. "You think I'm nice-looking, right?"

"Yes."

"And have a decent body?"

"Yes."

"And you like me?"

"Yes."

"And you've had sex before."

"Yes."

"But you won't with me? Why?"

"Can you answer a question for me? One I've asked a bunch of people."

"I'll try."

"At what point does a person become a slut?" I asked.

"Is that what you think I am?" Jeannette responded in outrage.

"No! I'm trying to figure out when I become a slut. How many is too many?"

"I have no idea. I never really thought about it."

"I have. A lot. I think, at some point, sex just starts to lose meaning. I'm already a bit concerned about that. It's nagging me all the time."

"We're teenagers! I don't think it's supposed to have meaning for us. I mean, other than being fun and feeling good."

"Which isn't how I was raised or taught. And I'm starting to have second thoughts about what I've done."

Our food arrived, and that gave me a chance to think while we started eating.

What Jeannette didn't realize, or maybe she was starting to, was that she was giving me second thoughts. I'd come up with a simple question of whether or not I'd feel guilty about having sex with someone. But that was turning out to be just as difficult as any other way I could come up with to think about it. And it wasn't as cut and dried as I had thought.

Did I feel guilty about being with Jocelyn? No, but yes. Did I feel guilty about being with Emmy? No, but yes. Did I feel guilty about being with Becky? No, but yes. Was I going to feel guilty about being with Nancy? Probably similar to how I felt about Emmy or Becky. And that caused me to question whether or not I should follow through with my plans with Nancy. She'd be upset, and it would probably end things between us, but I was running the risk of tearing myself up with my internal conflicts.

I understood that internal conflict but had no clear way to resolve it. And I felt I understood why I had mixed feelings of guilt. With Jocelyn, I hadn't felt guilty until after her accident. With Emmy, not until after Angie's mini-meltdown. With Becky, I'd had mixed emotions from the start, but the next morning, I'd told Mom I was at peace with it. But something felt 'off' about it now. And I had a pretty good idea what it might be.

Jocelyn and I had only the one time together, but we'd planned to be together that way in the future, most likely for life. With Emmy, there wasn't the same kind of commitment, but there was an implied promise of a continuing relationship, one that, if it lasted until she graduated from High School, might actually turn into something. We both knew it probably wouldn't happen, but there was a real chance it would. And that seemed to make a difference.

Where the guilt about Emmy came from actually had little or nothing to do with Emmy; it came from hurting Angie. I wondered, though, if that feeling was really warranted. After the revelations of the previous weekend and the change in the situation with Angie, the guilt really shouldn't be applied to Emmy. It wasn't her fault, and I hadn't done anything wrong, except perhaps, in the eyes of the Church.

My feelings about Becky stemmed from it being a 'one-night stand', as I'd heard it called. It wasn't sleeping with her that bugged me; it was sleeping with her and having no real prospect of a future together. Sure, things could change, but she was going to be in Michigan for at least five years, and I was going to be in McKinley for even longer. The thing was, on balance, I still thought it had been the right thing to do.

And that brought me to Nancy. Jeannette was giving me second thoughts, not because of the 'guilt' factor, but because of my internal conflict. The bottom line was I wouldn't feel guilty about being with Nancy because of Nancy but because I was failing to live up to the standard which the Church had set. But any claims to follow that standard had more or less gone out the window when I'd been with Emmy and Becky.

I could explain Jocelyn as a one-time thing, missing the mark, so to speak, and if we'd eventually married without being with anyone else, in the end, it would simply be a matter of 'getting things out of order', as it were, and while not perfect, we'd have kept to the basic principle of one man and one woman for life. That whole thing had, as I'd just thought to myself, gone out the window with Emmy. And Becky had more or less put the nail in the coffin. In the end, my internal struggle was silly.

I certainly still believed the overall teaching of the Church, as I had before the Summer started. And I faithfully practiced the prayer and fasting rules assigned by my spiritual father. And I went to church regularly. And, with the one exception of my sex life, I conducted myself in a proper Orthodox manner. But that exception was one I'd made willingly, knowing the choice I was making and the likely results. I needed to end the internal struggle, one way or the other. It was either stop having sex with anyone or truly make peace with the decision I had made, much the way my mom had.

"Why second thoughts?" Jeannette asked after a couple of minutes.

"Because my church, like every other one I know of, teaches that sex is supposed to be reserved for marriage, and you should be married to the same person for your entire life unless your spouse dies. I've struggled with that teaching for years. Obviously, I violated it. Now I'm trying to sort out in my mind how I feel about it."

"We never went to church much. Christmas and Easter were pretty much the limits. My dad didn't particularly like going to church, and my mom was lukewarm about it. So when they married, they just decided to go on the two 'big' days for the sake of the kids they would have. Otherwise, religion wasn't really talked about much. You seem pretty serious about it."

"That's an understatement. Zealous is probably closer, but not like the fanatical crazies that come to the door pushing their religion on you or the nutjobs in the Middle East who blow stuff up or take hostages or whatever because of religion. I practice my faith, and others can do whatever they want."

"Is Angie still praying with you and going to church with you?"

"Yes."

"Is it true you broke up with your High School sweetheart because she wouldn't go to church with you?"

"That is the bottom line, though another way to look at it is she wanted a commitment from me I couldn't make. We were more or less at THAT point if you know what I mean, but both virgins. Had we done it, she would have taken that as a pledge on my part to give her an engagement ring at some point in the future. I would have been OK with that, but I needed her to pledge something, and that was that we'd marry in the Church and raise our kids Orthodox. She flat-out refused to come to church with me and said she never would. In a real sense, she broke up with me despite it being me who said the words."

"Did she know that from the beginning?"

"Not before I asked her out the first time, but not long after. It's pretty difficult to hide going to church at least three times a week and following the fasting rules."

"Fasting rules?"

"They vary a bit, depending on what your priest thinks is right for you and your circumstances, but generally, it's no animal products of any kind and no wine on Wednesdays, Fridays, and during other fasting periods. It works out to about half the days of the year once you include Great Lent."