Chapter 43: A Terrible Accusation

October 30, 1981, West Monroe, Ohio

"Hi," Jocelyn said when her dad led me into the living room.

"Hi! I'm glad to see you at home."

"And we're glad to have her home," Mr. Mills said. "If you need anything, let us know."

I went over to sit next to Jocelyn on the couch. She scooted close, and I put my arm around her. She sighed, kissed my cheek, and then snuggled.

"I was glad to hear from Doctor Henderson that you could leave the hospital."

"And you should be seeing your sister!"

"I will. But I remember your jailers are pretty strict. So are Liz's, but she doesn't have physical therapy or severe internal injuries to recover from."

"You're driving back tonight?"

"Yes. I have to be at work in the morning, and Angie will be waiting for me to say our evening prayers together."

"She has you sized up for a tux, you realize?"

"Sizing up," I grinned. "Not sized up. Praying and going to church with me is her way of proving how serious she is. Waiting for physical intimacy is my way of proving how serious I am. I told you what happened with Nancy, and I have to say Angie has it figured about right. She knows I'll see Emmy at Thanksgiving and knows I saw Nancy last Friday. Part of waiting on her part is to make sure I have time to decide."

"I'd like to meet this girl. Will you bring her home?"

"I'd really need to sort things out with Emmy first."

"Does she know you're here?"

"Yes, but there's a football game and dance tonight, so she had a date. I talked to her and encouraged her to keep her date rather than spend maybe an hour with me at best. I figure the time to bring Angie to meet my parents is when we're ready to move to the next stage."

"You see her potentially being 'the one'?"

"It's way too early to tell for sure, but I'm sure not receiving any negative vibes."

"And she's not going to insist you not hang out with me?"

"We talked about that. She was quite clear that having you as a friend was perfectly OK, but stepping over the bright line would result in her removing my gonads with a scalpel she would borrow from biology lab. Well, once we're a couple, which we aren't at the moment."

"So you're free to mess around?"

"With the caveat that there are some lines which may not be crossed, including having a threesome with her friends."

Jocelyn laughed, "She said that?"

"Jeannette and Marie like to tease, and they like me, and it's clear that if I just wanted to have some crazy, uninhibited fun, I could. But that would wreck things with Angie permanently. Being with Emmy would be OK. Anything in between, I'd have to decide if it was worth the risk of losing Angie."

"Don't you think it was a bit creepy that she was waiting for you?"

"We haven't missed a morning or evening saying our prayers yet. That's another reason I'm going back tonight. She judged the situation correctly. Had I not come back, then she'd know that Nancy was a risk to her, or perhaps worse, that I could be enticed by sex into a relationship I know I shouldn't be in."

"April tried that, and she wasn't messed up like Nancy. It didn't work for April."

"Exactly, but Angie didn't know that. And yes, these are tests, but I don't feel like I'm being tested. Does that make sense?"

"Sure. Girls do that all the time. It's mostly about deciding if the guy can be faithful and will treat you right. A lot of times, it's just simple stuff like does he hold the door, but other things matter, like how he treats your friends, for example. His attitude toward getting physical is important, too. Most girls understand that all guys want it, but how the guy behaves is super important. You remember Adam, right?"

"Sure. From our Junior year."

"On our fourth date, he put his hand on my boob. He's lucky his hand is still attached to his wrist. Carl, on the other hand, moved his hand up my side and held it there, broke the kiss, and looked me in the eyes for permission. When he received it, THEN he moved his hand. Adam was gone after the fourth date; Carl survived the entire year until he joined the Navy."

"Survived," I laughed. "Nice. How's he doing?"

"He finished boot camp at Great Lakes, near Chicago, then went to training in South Carolina. He's being trained as an electrician's mate. When he eventually gets out, he'll have a really easy time getting a job as an electrician making good money."

"Any thoughts of getting back with him?"

"No. He was a fun High School boyfriend, but I couldn't see marrying him. That's why I, as Dale put it, kept my knees pressed tightly together."

"And everything is OK in that regard?"

"Minus being able to get pregnant, yes," she said, then smirked, "Want to help me test it out when I'm ready?"

"Doctor Henderson was adamant on that topic before I talked to you that first time in the hospital in Rutherford."

"I know. She was pretty clear with me about it after your visit when you agreed we were done. And I'm sure she's right. But Mik, there is a very serious concern."

"What's that?"

"How I'll deal with it physically, mentally, and emotionally."

"But isn't that always true about sex? No matter when or with whom? At least until you marry?"

"I know you understand that from what happened with us, but this is different."

"And risky," I said. "For a host of reasons."

"I know. I wasn't even sure I should ask you. I'm still not sure I should have."

"Jos, if you and I can't be completely honest with each other, who CAN we be honest with? We know what hiding our feelings did to us. Let's not do that again. We're soulmates, even if we can't ultimately be a couple."

"So what do you think?"

"I think Doctor Henderson has a very good point. On the other hand, I KNOW I love you. All I can say right now is when your doctors clear you, ask me. We'll figure it out then. But I have to think about Angie as well as you. Or whomever, but it seems like it'll be Angie."

"And you have to think about yourself as well, Mik. Your feelings matter, too. I've hurt you enough already."

"I hurt you, too, Jos. Let's not do that again, deal?"

"Deal. How did mid-terms go?"

"All A's. And my biology lab is good now that Angie replaced Sally. I do have to watch out for Dean Parker, though."

"It's not likely she's going to have anything to hang on you, right? Just follow the rules. That's your nature, anyway."

"Four years of her gunning for the department? Ugh. Did you decide on August for sure?"

"Yes. Dad already talked to both Purdue and Taft. Because of the accident, Purdue refunded everything except my application fee. And I'm admitted to Taft for next Fall."

"I'm glad," I said.

"Me, too. I just wish..."

"I know. I love you, Jos. I do."

"And I love you, Mik. Call me, and come see me at Thanksgiving, OK?"

"I will. I suppose I do need to get home and see Liz so I can get back to school."

We exchanged a chaste kiss, and I let myself out of the house. I jumped into my car and made the relatively short drive home, backing into the driveway as usual. I got out of the car and walked up the walk and into the house.

"Hi, Mikey!" Liz said, jumping up from the couch to hug me.

"Hi, Liz. How are you?"

"Shitty," she sighed.

"Elizabeth," Dad warned.

"Sorry, Dad. Mikey, can we talk, just you and me?"

"That's why I'm here. Where's Mom?"

"Out with Mrs. Orlov," Dad responded. "She'll be back before you leave."

"OK. Let's make some tea and sit on the patio. It's just warm enough to do that."

Ten minutes later, we were sitting outside with the teapot on the warmer.

"How do you feel?" I asked.

"Physically? OK, I guess. Mentally? Mixed. Emotionally? Terrible."

"No lasting health issues?"

"No. I'm not taking any drugs or any medication except a mild sedative at bedtime. I do need to tell you something. Mom knows, but Dad doesn't. It's why I wanted to talk to Mom alone when you came to visit."

"Are you sure you should tell me?"

"Yes. I need to," she said quietly but firmly, then her voice trembled, "Mikey, I had to have an abortion when I was in the clinic. Do you still love me?"

My stomach felt like it did a backflip, and my heart raced, and I struggled mightily not to show Liz the visceral gut reaction I was having.

"Of course I still love you!" I said immediately so there could be no doubt in her mind, then I took a few careful breaths.

The sealed box of rubbers WAS the one I'd bought for her, and it went unused. My gravest fear, with herpes being a close second, had happened. And I partially blamed myself for not telling my mom about the pot as soon as I knew about it. That led to coke, which led to speed, which led to her trading sex for drugs. Which led to unprotected sex. Which led to the abortion. Which explained, at least to me, the vacant look in her eyes that Dad had noticed.

I wasn't about to condemn her. I knew what the church taught, and I agreed. But the idea of my little sister having a baby just boggled my mind. She was only fifteen, and the baby was the product of unprotected sex she'd had in exchange for drugs. The baby didn't deserve to die for that, but I wasn't in a position to tell Liz she'd made a mistake, let alone sinned.

"I messed up bad," she sighed.

"And you're still my sister, and I still love you, and I'll still do anything for you. I do owe you an apology for what I said to you."

"It was my fault," she sighed. "I started that by taunting you."

"We both messed up," I said.

"You don't EVEN want to know what I went through with people at the clinic over what we said to each other."

"I got the third degree from Doctor Orosco."

"When she found out I slept in your bed after Jocelyn's accident, she was absolutely sure we'd done it. I think she STILL thinks we did. I know Doctor Orosco told Mom."

I nodded, "Even before then, when the stuff with Paul came out, Mom pretty much bluntly asked me about it, whether we'd played any games or done anything. Doctor Orosco asked lots of questions, too. So did my therapist in McKinley."

"Therapist? You? Why?"

"I thought it was because Doctor Orosco sensed I was about to crack up over what I'd said to you. But now, with what you just told me, it was probably because she was sure we'd done it."

"I'm sorry," Liz said, a tear running down her cheek.

"For what? Loving me? Being my sister? Doing something I did for you when you were little when your friend moved away?"

"For causing all the trouble."

"It's OK," I said. "Talking to Doctor Hart has been good for me for several reasons. He's helping me to make sure I'm really ready for medical school and afterwards. We got that other stuff out of the way. He doesn't think you and I did anything. And neither does Mom."

"I noticed two rubbers were missing from the box in my nightstand. Becky?"

"No comment," I said.

"But you and Emmy..."

"No comment."

"She was here yesterday. She told me. Three times! And she said it was great! But only two rubbers are missing, so it wasn't her."

"No comment."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. If Emmy wants to say stuff, that's her business, but I'm not going to confirm or deny anything."

"But we all know about you and Jocelyn!"

"If there ever were to be a special case, that would have to be it. But beyond that, my answer has to be 'no comment'."

I felt I could be a bit more open with Jocelyn and carefully so with Angie, but that really had to be the limit. Mom was a different story, and she knew everything so far — Jocelyn because we broadcast it, Becky because it was in the house, Emmy because Mom had guessed. But this wasn't something to talk about with Liz, even without all her issues.

"I decided to quit going to church," Liz said, jolting me out of my thoughts.

"What?! Why?"

"I'm not you, Mikey. I just don't believe like you and Mom do. Or even like Dad does. I don't think God exists!"

I took a deep breath and let it out.

"I can't tell you what to believe but don't lose hope. I saw what happened with Jocelyn."

"You think I'd do that?"

"I'm obviously concerned. If you decide life is meaningless..." I shook my head, unable to continue that thought. "Promise you'll call me if you ever feel like that? Promise me, Liz!"

"I promise," she said. "But I don't want to die. I want to kill Freddy's brother and his friends."

"For that, you're going to have to take a number and get in line behind Dad and me. But the state has them caged like the animals they are, and maybe, just maybe, they'll have cellmates named Bubba..."

Liz smirked, "Who'll fuck them up the ass?"

I blushed and coughed, "Uh, yeah."

"You're so funny. You want to be a doctor, but you blush at stuff like that and get all uncomfortable."

"I know. I'm working on it."

"Mikey, I may not be the best person to give advice on this topic, but you need to push the edge of the envelope more."

"Yeah, and when the envelope tears? Then what?"

Liz nodded and was quiet. We finished our tea, and I poured us each another cup.

"Are you still dating Nancy?"

"That went to heck in a handcart two weeks ago."

Liz started laughing hard, "Did you just hear yourself? 'Heck in a handcart'? Jesus, Mikey! Say 'hell'. Say 'shit'. Say 'fuck'."

Of course, as always happened in my house, my mom came out through the sliding glass door just then.

"I'd rather he didn't," Mom said. "Or you, for that matter, young lady."

"Could you give us five minutes? Please?" I asked.

"Sure. I'll be inside with your dad. I just came out to say 'hello'."

"Thanks."

She went back into the house.

"It's not me, OK? I use the Russian words from time to time, but swearing in general doesn't make me a man or anything."

"What happened with Nancy?"

"In the end? Her own insecurity did us in. She needs to get her act together before we can date."

"Any other girls?"

"Angie, who I met a few weeks ago. She's saying morning and evening prayers with me and going to church. She's why I need to get back to school tonight."

"Wow. You found an Orthodox girl at school? Or is she a match from the church there?"

"Roman Catholic. But as she said, the game of life is for keeps, and she's playing it that way. What would be the number one way to prove to me how serious she is?"

Liz laughed, "Only my idiot brother would prefer a girl go to church with him than go to bed with him!"

"You know how important it is to me. Well, so does Angie. She's playing the long game and knows this is what she has to do to make it work. Isn't it better if she figures out it's not her cup of tea now, instead of five years from now or whatever?"

"You have to be the weirdest eighteen-year-old on the planet."

I chuckled, "I turned down a threesome with two cute, willing girls to cuddle with Angie."

"I take it back; you aren't the weirdest! You are either the dumbest boy in the universe or the biggest scaredy cat, or maybe both."

"It would cost me Angie, and I really like her. I'm not going to mess that up."

"Mr. Scott! Beam me up! There is no intelligent life on this patio!" she teased.

"Come on, Liz. Should I really have totally meaningless sex with two girls when I have a chance at a real relationship with Angie?"

Liz shrugged, "You're going to marry Jocelyn anyway. So, who cares?"

She didn't know! And I sure as heck couldn't tell her without talking to my mom first.

"Nobody knows what the future holds," I said. "Are you OK if I go talk to Mom?"

"Sure. Come talk to me again soon, OK?"

I nodded, "I will."

We got up, gathered the teapot and mugs, and went inside. After rinsing everything, I went to find my mom, who suggested we take a walk. That was out of the ordinary, but it would certainly ensure Liz didn't accidentally overhear us. I grabbed my baseball cap from the table by the front door, and we walked out into the chilly October evening.

"You didn't tell Liz about Jocelyn," I said.

"Doctor Orosco thought we should ease your sister back into the world, so to speak."

"Doctor Orosco is also apparently sure Liz and I had sex. She's wrong on both accounts."

"When Liz came to your bed that night, what happened?"

"Nothing! I didn't even know she was there until morning. I was completely under the covers, and Liz was on top of them in her long nightgown!"

"Mike, she had to know you weren't wearing pyjamas. Your shoulders and chest would have been showing, at least somewhat."

"What IS this?" I growled. "I was asleep. You knew and did nothing. I don't believe Liz did anything because I sure as heck would have known if she did! And before you ask, I am NOT covering for her."

"Doctor Orosco is completely convinced there is something sexual between you and Liz."

"Well, Doctor Orosco can go take a flying leap because there IS no such thing. I'm telling you, I have never touched Liz or kissed her, nor have I even seen her in anything less than that bikini she wore to the pool. And I was NOT attracted to her. May I be blunt?"

"I suppose that's best."

"I DID NOT DO ANYTHING WITH LIZ. PERIOD! And I won't stand for you accusing me of doing something I didn't do and, in fact, COULDN'T do. If that's how it's going to be, I'll turn back now, get in my car and never come home again. I'll make whatever arrangements I need in McKinley. You can either believe me or not, Mom."

"Would you be willing to talk with Doctor Orosco? She can help you."

"Help me? That's a laugh! She'll spend hours trying to convince me I DO want to fuck Liz no matter what I say! She'll insist that I have this deep-seated, burning desire to fuck my little sister! And worse, that I acted on that desire! I'm sorry, but that's such a disgusting thought. I'm not going to discuss it again with anyone. The very idea makes me physically ill. It didn't happen. It will never happen. It's total and complete BULLSHIT. But it's obvious nobody believes me. I'm going back to McKinley now."