Chapter 35: Wake-up Call

October 4, 1981, McKinley, Ohio

"Let me guess, you're sleeping on the couch again?" Mrs. Landers laughed.

"Actually, I just came to talk to Nancy for a bit, then I have homework. I didn't spend any time on it yesterday."

"Come on in. She's in her room."

"Thanks."

I walked back through the house to Nancy's room. She got up to greet me, and we exchanged a hug and kiss.

"Sorry for putting you off at work," I said. "But I didn't want to be interrupted when we had this conversation."

"It's OK. How is Jocelyn?"

"I found her in restraints to keep her from killing herself. I tried to talk to her, but she wouldn't talk. She did relent and let me hold her hand for a bit. I also had a long talk with the psychologist."

"You didn't put off talking until now to tell me you changed your mind about her, did you?"

"No. I spoke with Jocelyn's counselor about that before I talked to her. As much as I love her, I just can't. Maybe I'm just too weak."

"Is it weak to know yourself well enough to know your limits?"

"I don't think so."

"My mom taught me to always be true to myself," Nancy said. "I have my hang-ups, but I know what they are, and I'm honest about them. At least, I think I am."

"I think so, too. But I feel like I let Jocelyn down, that I could have done more. That I CAN do more."

"What did you tell me your counselor said about that?"

"That giving up on something that was so important risked being miserable for the rest of my life. Or worse."

"So where does that leave us?"

"Nothing has changed," I said. "What I told you is still true. It's just difficult."

"Tell me now if it's going to be a problem."

I shook my head, "No, it won't be a problem."

"How's your sister?" Nancy asked.

"She looked healthy enough, but her eyes looked strange. My dad said she looked vacant, like she wasn't really there. She SEEMED fine when I talked to her, but she's fooled me before. There's a chance she'll be able to go home in a couple of weeks, but she's been through a lot."

"That's good, right? I mean, her being able to go home?"

"I think so, but afterwards, my parents seemed worried. I wasn't in the room for most of the time. She talked to my mom alone, then just my parents, then me for a minute or so."

"You seem a bit down."

"A bit?" I sighed. "More like a lot."

"Why don't you stay?" Nancy suggested.

"I have three hours of homework to do and no other time to do it."

"I'm worried about you. You're going to run yourself ragged. And don't give me that stuff about medical training. You're in your first semester of college, for crying out loud! Are you still planning on going home next Saturday?"

"Yes. I promised Emmy we'd celebrate her birthday. I'll probably see Jocelyn when I'm there, too."

"Mike, you need to take care of yourself."

"I know. After this weekend, I have no plans to go home before Thanksgiving."

"But you'll want to see Jocelyn."

"Yes."

Nancy shook her head, "You're going to crash and burn, Mike."

"I don't know what else to do."

"Don't you have that class that's supposed to help you cope? Why not talk about stuff there?"

"I will," I said. "Now, I hope you don't mind if I go do some homework."

"No, I don't mind. See you at work on Tuesday."

We hugged, exchanged a soft French kiss, and I headed back to campus.

"How's your sister?" Clark asked when I walked into our room.

"About as well as can be expected. I have three or four hours of homework, so I hope you don't mind if I lock myself in my room."

"Nah, I have some reading to do. That's why I'm not hanging with Carter and Larry. Those dudes don't have any hard science classes. Hey, can I get a favor?"

"Probably."

"At Thanksgiving, could you take me as far as West Monroe? That way, my mom can save the extra hour each way?"

"Sure. We live about a mile off Route 50, so why not have her meet us at my house?"

"Cool," Clark said. "I take it you're going to book right after work on Saturday? I saw on the calendar you don't work Sunday through Friday."

"I plan to come back late on Friday afternoon. Is that OK?"

"Yeah, that's cool," Clark agreed.

"OK. Study time!"

Mr. Mills called just before I went to bed to let me know Jocelyn had some kind of relapse, and they'd put her back in soft restraints. I was tempted to get in my car and head to Rutherford, but Mr. Mills said she wasn't allowed visitors overnight. When I hung up the phone, I said my evening prayers and went to bed. I had real trouble falling asleep, but finally, exhaustion won out.

October 5, 1981, McKinley, Ohio

On Monday morning, I fought the urge to drive to Rutherford. I couldn't afford to miss class, and I'd have too much homework to leave after class. I hated myself for it, but even minor screw-ups in school could wreck my chances of getting into medical school. I'd made that decision in fourth grade, and everything I'd done to this point had been directed to that.

I felt guilty about Jocelyn for several reasons, but short of trying to do something against my own nature, I didn't know what I could do. I considered the sequence of events and wondered if I'd caused at least part of the problem by developing a relationship with Nancy. But Jocelyn had encouraged me to date, knowing, at a minimum, I'd be seeing Emmy at least off and on. She'd explicitly said I shouldn't lock myself in my room at school, but I still couldn't help but feel guilty.

What nagged at me was whether or not I had missed something in what she'd been saying and she hadn't actually wanted me to date. But every time I'd asked her about it, it was always pushed off into the future. And the entire mess had started when she'd decided to use MY tactic and run away to Purdue instead of facing up to her own feelings. And yet, I still felt guilty about the situation.

If I were Dale, I'd have just gone on a rampage through all the available girls, including Emmy, Abby, Becky, Paula, and Nancy, and never looked back. But I wasn't Dale and never could be. I was even having second thoughts about both Emmy and Nancy because of everything that had happened with Jocelyn, from making love to her suicide attempt. Something was just nagging me about it, and I suspected it was the issue I'd talked with Doctor Hart about.

Then there was Liz and her entire situation. I wondered if there had been some point where I could have done something differently that might have prevented what happened. The bottom line was that I'd trusted her when she'd said she'd stopped smoking pot. She hadn't, and because of the college kids involved, things had spiraled out of control and ended up with her using coke, speed, and pot, being raped, and having an affair with a much-older married man. I didn't blame myself, but I still wondered if I could have done something.

The thoughts of Liz brought to mind what she'd said to me when I'd seen her the previous morning. Before Doctor Orosco had cut her off, she'd said that Becky needed me. Of that, I had no doubt, but needed me HOW? I thought she needed me as a friend, but both Liz and Becky seemed to think otherwise. My problem with THAT was that it was even more problematic than either Nancy or Emmy, and given Becky's mental state, something that could end up being a nightmare for her, for me, or, more likely, both of us.

"Mike?" Pete said, shaking my shoulder. "Your food is getting cold, and you're staring off into space."

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and let it out.

"I just have WAY too much on my mind right now."

"Well, your mind needs to be on breakfast, biology, chemistry, and calculus, or you're going to be in a world of hurt. You've been really distracted the past week, and I think it's getting worse."

I sighed, "You're right, but I don't know what to do about it, really. I can't make the problems my sister and my friend are having go away."

"No, you can't, but if you don't get your head clear, your grades are going to slip, and THEN where will you be?"

"He's right," Jason said. "Having a B or two for me won't mess up my chances for a good job in a research lab or getting into a Master's program. For you? It could be death, especially in a core course like Biology or Chemistry."

"I know," I sighed.

"You need to relax," he said. "I mean, really relax. What about that cute little redhead who keeps finding reasons to talk to you?"

He was referring to Angie. She was short and compact, had red hair and green eyes, and an effervescent personality. For the past two weeks, she had been coming into the common room on the floor and, as Jason said, finding reasons to talk to me. She was in the same biology class but sat way in the back while Pete, Jason, and I sat in the front.

"I have a girlfriend," I said.

"Did you put a ring on her finger? Ask her to go steady?"

"No."

"Angie will help you work out some of that stress if you just ask her! I've seen that look before! She doesn't give the time of day to anyone, and she talks to you!"

"I don't need the complications," I said.

"Dude, if getting laid is a 'complication', you're doing college wrong. Seriously, tonight, when she 'happens' to come into the common room, get up from the table and TALK to her. I bet you anything you care to wager, you wake up with her in your bed, and you feel a hundred times better."

Or a hundred times worse, which I considered to be the more likely result. Twenty minutes of pleasure, or whatever, wouldn't overcome my problems and was likely to INCREASE my stress, not reduce it. That said, Angie was cute and was likely to be a lot of fun. And on Saturday, I'd be seeing Emmy, and despite my slight misgivings, I was very much looking forward to that. And, as much fun as Emmy was likely to be, I was REALLY looking forward to being with Nancy.

The strangest thought popped into my head at that moment, and it was that boring sex with Nancy would actually be more fulfilling than wild and crazy sex with Angie. Or Emmy, for that matter. I didn't think Nancy was going to be boring, whatever that meant to a guy who'd had exactly ONE two-day love affair, but my feelings for Nancy were going to make all the difference in the world. Just as they had with Jocelyn, though, that had been a lot of fun, too.

"I'll think about it," I said, trying to end that part of the conversation.

"Don't think too much!" Pete said. "Save that brainpower for class. We have mid-term exams coming up next week."

"I know."

"You get off work at 6:00pm on Sunday, right?"

"Yes."

"OK. We'll set our biology review for then. Calculus is Monday night. Chemistry is Wednesday night."

"OK. Fortunately, my writing class doesn't have exams, but I have a paper due by the end of the week. My Saturday is shot for studying between work and going home for my friend's birthday."

We finished eating and walked back to the dorm to get our books for class. As I walked, I tried to assess the situation again. The only way I was going to have time for writing was on Sunday morning. I wanted to stay in West Monroe and go to church so I could at least see Tasha for a few minutes, but that would eat even further into my time. The only positive thing was that she wasn't expecting to see me before Thanksgiving, and a couple of phone calls before then would make her very happy.

I chuckled silently when the thought crossed my mind that maybe she was the solution. Cool things down with Nancy and marry Tasha as soon as I reasonably could, probably right after her graduation. We could move into the married dorms, she could work full-time, I'd go to school, and I could have regular sex with the most beautiful girl I knew. I'd have more free time because I could cut my hours at work and still keep a reasonable budget.

The problem was, as with every solution I could imagine, I'd simply replace the current sources of stress with different ones. And that was the rub — short of finding a bikini-model heiress, I didn't see any stress-free solutions or even ones that could significantly reduce my stress levels. I continued to wrack my brain as Pete, Jason, and I rode the elevator back down from the sixth floor.

As we walked across campus, another idea popped into my head that actually MIGHT reduce my stress somewhat. What if Nancy and I lived together at her house? Was that even possible? The odds were she was going to be at Taft because of her need to go to a state school. Even if I contributed to the household budget, which I certainly would, it would be far cheaper than the dorms and my meal plan.

The problem with doing THAT was that it would forever foreclose a relationship with Tasha, though that was really an unlikely prospect given the timing, my earlier thoughts to the contrary notwithstanding. The issue with Tasha was one of timing, and it would have to be almost precise. At the moment, she was in High School. But once she graduated, the clock would start ticking, and likely very quickly. Mom was right about May of 1984.

And even putting aside the effect it would have on Tasha, was moving in with Nancy something I really wanted to do? It would be a serious commitment I wasn't sure I was ready to make, and that could hurt Nancy pretty badly. The other problem was similar — would Nancy see it as too much of a commitment too fast? And the answer to that was most likely 'yes'. I liked Nancy a lot, and despite thoughts about a POSSIBLE future together, it was just that — possible. As I'd said, if I didn't see the possibility, I'd end it fairly quickly.

As we walked into the classroom, I tried to push thoughts of the future from my mind and focus on the present. With midterms coming up, I HAD to do that, or I'd be in serious trouble. I took out my notebook and waited for Doctor Stanton to begin class, which he did about two minutes later. When class finished, Doctor Stanton asked to see me briefly.

"I put in the recommendation with Doctor Norris to move you to honors courses starting next semester. If you're interested, and I think you should be, please sign up for those when you register for classes after mid-terms."

"To be honest, I'm having real trouble with a combination of my course load, homework, work, and family issues."

"How many hours are you working?"

"Twenty."

He shook his head, "That's far too many for a Freshman carrying a heavy science course load. I take it you need to work?"

I nodded, "I do. My parents are helping with tuition and room and board, but I need to cover part of it, plus my car insurance, gas, and a bit of spending money. I also need to save so I can have enough to live on during my last two years of medical school when I really won't be able to work because of clinical rotations."

"If you don't mind my asking, where do you work, and what do you earn?"

"I work at the Quick Mart, and I'm making $3.25 an hour."

"The biology department has discretionary grant money available for promising students. Let me talk to Doctor Norris and see what he thinks. Based on what you just said, a $1500 grant each semester would let you stop working if you wanted to, or at least significantly reduce your hours."

I nodded, "It would."

"Obviously, I can't promise anything, but let me see what I can do. The other thing I'd like you to do is join a small group of honors students I meet with once a week for lunch. And if you accept, I'd like to be your academic advisor."

"I'm curious, why do all this?"

"Every year, we select two very promising students. Joe Miller recommended you. Your classwork, your lab work, and your lab reports are all exemplary, and that's even with your lab partners being more interested in each other's anatomy than the biology they're supposed to be studying."

"Thursday is going to be interesting. They had some kind of major spat over the weekend."

"Let Joe know, please. And hang in there. The system weeds people out pretty quickly, and those two need to get their acts together immediately. I know it's tough on you now, and it's no consolation, but you'll run into people like this even when you get to medical school."

"That just boggles my mind. How do you get that far and still not understand?"

"A good percentage of students wash out of medical school the first couple of years because the coursework is even tougher than what you're experiencing now. It'll get easier for you, even with the honors courses. Not because it's less work or less difficult material, but because you'll have the experience of knowing how to deal with it. Then you'll hit medical school, and it'll kick up another notch. And then, well, I'm sure you know what your Residency will be like."

"I do."

"Let me see what I can do about the grant."

"Thanks, Doctor Stanton, I really appreciate it."

"You're welcome, Mike. Can I expect you at lunch on Wednesday?"

"Yes. What time and where?"

"Noon in the Biology Department conference room. We have food brought in, courtesy of the Department."

"How many students are there?"

"You'll be number seven. There are two from each year. We're finalizing the other Freshman candidate, who'll probably be a biology major given you're a biochem major."

"See you Wednesday at noon," I said.

I left the classroom and met Pete and Jason, who were waiting for me outside.

"I know YOU didn't get called on the carpet," Jason observed.

"It was mostly about the honors program," I said. "You guys were both invited, right?"

"Yes," Pete said. "As if college wasn't hard enough!"

"At least we lose the lame lab partners," I said. "Everyone in our lab sections will be honor students."

"Amen!" Jason said. "Mine aren't as bad as yours, but I have no idea how they passed High School biology, let alone got into college."

"It's not just them," Pete said. "You got guys like Zach who's in our study group, and you have to wonder sometimes how he gets out of bed in the morning, let alone passes his classes!"

I shook my head, "He's going to flunk out. I'm sure of it. The only reason he's not going to get an 'F' in chemistry is because he's partners with Kurtis and me, and we're carrying him. We gave up on him two weeks ago. You've seen us working on the chem lab reports while he doodles on his notepad."

"He doesn't like your roommate much."

"His ignorance isn't limited to his studies, that's for sure."

"Forty-five minutes until chemistry. Coffee?"

"I'm in!" Jason said.

"Me, too," I agreed.

We retrieved our chemistry books and headed to the Student Union to get coffee. As I sipped the hot liquid, I contemplated what I would do if Doctor Stanton could arrange for the grant. I'd need to talk to my parents, but if they continued their contributions, that would mean I would instantly get a big chunk of time back. I could even go back to karate, which I was missing, but which I simply couldn't fit into my current schedule.

The rest of the day went as usual — chemistry, lunch with Clark, Carter, and Larry, an hour for homework, then calculus and the writing course. When I returned to the dorms, I called home to talk to my dad about the possibility of a grant from the Department. He assured me they would continue to provide the same support they had, and it was up to me how to use the money. I thanked him profusely and then headed to dinner with Pete, Jason, Clark, Carter, and Larry.