Chapter 34: Two Visits

October 3, 1981, Rutherford, Ohio

"Hi, Mike."

"Hi, Mr. Mills. I was just going in to see Jocelyn."

"One of the staff psychologists would like to talk to you first."

"Me? Why?"

"To talk to you about Jocelyn. I can't force you to do it, Mike, but I think it would be a very good idea."

"When? I want to see Jocelyn today."

"If you go back down to the ground floor, there's an outpatient clinic. Just go to the desk and ask for Doctor Henderson. She's expecting you."

I turned and went to the stairs and walked down one flight. Instead of turning left for the Emergency Room, I turned right and walked into the outpatient clinic. I went to the nurse at the desk and asked for Doctor Henderson and was immediately shown into her office.

"Hi," I said. "I'm Mike Loucks."

"Nice to meet you, Mike. I'm Tricia Henderson, a psychologist on staff."

"Nice to meet you, Doctor."

"Have a seat, if you would."

I sat down in a comfortable chair, and Doctor Henderson picked up a notebook and came to sit next to me in an identical chair.

"I wanted to talk to you about your friend, and see if I could get some insight into her and find a way to help her."

"You mean about the suicide?"

"Yes. She has a very, very strong desire to end her life."

"Has? As in, still does?"

"Yes. She's made it clear, and in no uncertain terms, that she intends to kill herself at the first opportunity. That's why when you see her, you'll see she's in soft restraints. She pulled out her IVs and fought all of our attempts to treat her."

"Lord have mercy," I sighed, tears welling up in my eyes.

Unbidden, Doctor Henderson handed me a box of tissues. I took one and dabbed my eyes.

"Why?" I asked.

"I'd rather you told me, if you think you know, or, we can just talk about your relationship with her."

I sighed, "She lied to me about the severity of the damage to her uterus, at least, and in the end, that lie, combined with what she expected my reaction to be, led her to try to kill herself."

"Reaction to the hysterectomy or to finding out she lied?"

"I thought it was the former, but I suspect it might be the latter. She had never lied to me, ever, and I've known her since kindergarten. We told each other everything. I knew when she had her first period, when she had her first real kiss, everything. And I told her the same kind of stuff. I knew every boy she liked, well, except for how she felt about me when we got older. I suppose hiding that from me was deceitful, but it wasn't a lie, per se. She was just afraid."

"You seem to know her pretty well."

"On the first day of kindergarten, she asked me to be her friend. I said 'yes'. And except for about a week in second grade when we had a little spat, we've been inseparable. Well, until she decided to go to Purdue. And that decision was because she felt she needed to be away from me. She was afraid we'd mess things up if we got involved, and it sure looks like she was right."

"Neither of you planned on that accident."

"True. She'd admitted why she was planning to go away and was on her way to fix that when she got hit."

"I read the police report. I'm certain that was an accident, but I had to check."

I nodded, "I understand."

"Other than meeting her, what's the strongest memory from kindergarten?"

I smiled through my tears, "She and I talked about how we used to hang our finger-painting smocks on the same hook so they wouldn't be lonely when we weren't wearing them."

"And until your encounter in Cincinnati, your relationship was purely platonic?"

"Yes."

"That spat in second grade, what was it about?"

"I have no idea, and neither does she; it's lost in the mists of time, I suppose. But that week, I started hanging out with a kid named Dale. Jocelyn realized she might lose me, and we made up, and Dale became the third member of our little trio. The three of us became just as inseparable. We'd do stuff in pairs sometimes, too. Dale and I played chess, and Jocelyn couldn't stand it, so Dale and I would get together on Sundays to play. We triple-dated nearly every Saturday night from Freshman year on."

"Did she share with him the same way she shared with you?"

"No. Jocelyn and I were special. Dale was a full part of the trio, but she was Jos, and I was Mik. We never treated him as anything except an equal, with the exception of sharing very intimate details."

"How did you feel when you discovered she'd withheld important information?"

"You mean when she lied, Doctor?" I asked, my voice showing I was on edge.

"I'd say that answers my question, but could you tell me what it felt like when Mrs. Mills disclosed the truth?"

"Like Muhammad Ali had punched me in the gut. As I said, at first, I thought it was because of the hysterectomy, but now I'm sure it was because of the lie."

"Do you still love her?"

I nodded, "Yes, but I'm not sure I can trust her if she didn't have enough faith in me to tell me the truth."

"She was under intense emotional strain, heavily medicated, and in pain."

"I know," I said. "But if she couldn't tell me, then what am I really to her?"

"She was worried about you, and I understand she put on a very brave face for you. She was severely depressed but didn't show it to you, did she?"

"No. I wish she had; I might have been able to prevent this."

Doctor Henderson put her hand on my arm.

"True or not, you can't think that way. Jocelyn is either responsible for what she's done, or she has a diagnosable psychological condition. Neither of those is your fault, nor did you cause them."

"Are you sure about that?" I asked.

"Reasonably so. Will you speculate with me for a moment? A 'What if?' question."

"Sure."

"If she had told you the truth, what would have happened?"

I shrugged, "I would have been upset, but done everything in my power to help her. And I wouldn't have changed my feelings for her."

"Can you be certain of that?"

"Two plus two equals four, certain? No. But I can be 'I love you' certain. We hadn't decided where this was going to lead, so there was no real certainty there."

"You're mistaken, Mike."

"How so?"

"She knew from the time you two, as she put it, shared your virginity with each other that you would marry, have kids, and do your best to live happily ever after."

"What?!" I exclaimed in surprise. "She never told me that!"

"No, but she told her mom right after your trip to Cincinnati. That's when I believe she decided to go to WHTU, though I guess she didn't share that with her parents right away. She'd be away for a year and then come back, and you two would map out a timeline for your studies and a family."

"I don't get it! Why tell me to date?"

"She didn't want you to lock yourself in your dorm room and ignore the rest of the world for the year she was gone. She was positive you would have done that."

I nodded, "I'm sure she was right. But so what? Wouldn't that be my choice to wait for her? I would have. And I'd have had no qualms about it."

"She felt guilty about leaving you."

I sighed, "And she was punishing herself by telling me to date and, in effect, giving tacit approval for me to have sex if I wanted to."

"Would you have?"

"Maybe? I suppose it would have depended on exactly what Jocelyn said to me before she left. We hadn't really formalized any rules. I was moving along that path with the girl I was dating regularly, but we weren't serious enough that ending it short of that point would have been traumatic for either of us. And I certainly wouldn't have begun a relationship with a girl in McKinley."

"How serious is that relationship?"

"We're exploring our compatibility, I guess is the way to answer that. I plan to be a doctor, and my counselor at school has made it clear I need to disclose just how crazy my life will be until I'm well into my Residency."

"Guidance counselor or psychologist?"

"Psychologist. There were some problems at home with my sister that caused some serious difficulties for me, and on the advice of her psychiatrist, I spoke to a psychologist at school. We worked through those, and now he's basically turned into something of a mentor to try to help me navigate and survive my medical education. We talk about relationships, too."

"That's very healthy and a very good idea. Back to Jocelyn. I'm sure you've thought about it quite a bit, both since the accident, then since her suicide attempt. Where are you?"

"Doctor Hart, that's my counselor, laid things out pretty starkly. I think, in the end, when you combine the lie and my desire to have biological children, I don't think I can be her life partner. The exact thing she believed and part of why she tried to kill herself. The sick part is, had she just told me the truth, things might have been different."

"Might, Mike. You just said you have a desire for biological children. That's a pretty strong statement, given what we know about Jocelyn. And if that's your nature, which I don't know for sure, then trying to go against it is a very, very rocky road, to say the least. You might end up miserable and be faced with the stark reality of divorce or an unhappy life. And divorce isn't exactly sweetness and light."

"No, it's not. Doctor Hart and I have talked about that in relation to the stress that will come with my training and job. He didn't come out and say it, but I know he was concerned that the additional stress of going against my nature might well lead to serious problems, either in my relationship or my work, or both."

"Mrs. Mills said you were a cool, analytical, intelligent young man, and it seems she was right. You've listened to what your counselor says and taken it to heart. Who else do you listen to?"

"My mom, and very recently, my dad. Dale. Emmy and Nancy. Those are the two girls I mentioned before. Emmy is the one I dated regularly over the Summer, but it was more or less the High School kind of thing. She wanted a boyfriend, and I wanted a girlfriend, but neither of us had any illusions of it being some kind of permanent thing. She turns sixteen next Friday and isn't thinking in terms of anything other than having a boyfriend. Nancy is the girl in McKinley."

"You mentioned your mom first. Has she been a confidante?"

"Yes. My mom knows pretty much everything. My dad says my mom and I are like two peas in a pod and that when I talk, he hears her."

"So you take after your mom?"

"In most ways. I'm introverted like my dad and have the same issues he does with, as he put it, having no balls."

"Meaning?"

"I mostly preferred to run from confrontation and clam up when faced with divisive people. That's my dad through and through. Mom runs the house."

"And your dad admits this?"

"He did a couple of weeks ago, yes. His comment was that by confronting my sister, I had 'found my balls' at eighteen, something he didn't do until he was forty-two."

"Mike, if you're going to clam up or run away, please don't go see Jocelyn. Her parents think you're the only one who might get through to her. I sure haven't been able to, nor has our staff psychiatrist."

"And if I can't?"

"She'll be committed when she's released from the hospital. She'll be very carefully monitored, and they'll work to get her past the desire to die."

"That's a heck of a thing to put on me," I sighed.

"Her mom thought you had the strength of character to do it. From our conversation, I think you do. But based on what you told me, I think that means making a firm commitment to yourself to not run away and not to avoid talking about difficult things with her."

"And if she asks about us?"

"Tell her the truth. Directly, clearly, and firmly. I don't believe you can make it worse. But make sure you tell her what you CAN do for her."

"Be her best friend, love her, support her, and be there for her in every way except as a lover or husband."

"That's important, Mike. It needs to be clean. No, 'get better, and we can make love one last time'. That could actually make things worse in the long run."

"That thought would never have crossed my mind," I said. "Sex is too important to use as currency."

Doctor Henderson smiled, "Let me guess, your views on sex were formed by listening to your mom."

"And my church."

"Had you discussed that with Jocelyn?"

"Yes. Honestly, there was no other girl I could have been with the way I was with Jocelyn. I turned down several opportunities. And even after Jocelyn, I had some serious second thoughts on that topic because of the teachings of my church. I talked them through with my mom and Doctor Hart."

"I think you're ready to see Jocelyn. I do not know how she's going to react to you. She knows you're coming, and I think she's resigned to the fact that no amount of refusing would keep you away."

"She's probably right about that," I said.

"Do you mind if I come with you? I'll simply observe unless she becomes seriously agitated, in which case I'll need to call a doctor to sedate her."

"«Говно» (gavno)," I muttered.

"Please? I missed that."

"A Russian epithet. It means 'crap' only earthier."

"You don't swear in English?"

"And only very, very carefully in Russian. My mom washed my mouth out with soap when I was twelve for using the Russian version of saying someone should copulate with their female parent."

Doctor Henderson laughed, "I've heard that word in English a few times in my life, but I appreciate you not using it."

"So does my mom!"

I got up and shook hands with Doctor Henderson, and we made our way up to the second floor. I waited while Doctor Henderson spoke to Mr. and Mrs. Mills, and then the two of us went into Jocelyn's room.

"Hi, Jos," I said.

"Go away!" she growled.

I wasn't exactly sure how to respond to that, but my encounters with Liz jumped into my mind. I also remembered getting dressed down severely for my solution. But it had worked. An idea popped into my mind, though it wasn't QUITE so extreme. But I was sure Doctor Henderson would flip. And I didn't care.

"I hear you want to kill yourself, but they won't let you. If you're sure about it, I'll help you do it."

Jocelyn gasped, and Doctor Henderson put her hand on my arm and squeezed. I shook it off and walked over to Jocelyn's bed.

"How do you want to do it?" I asked. "Pillow over the face? Strangled with IV tubes? My .22 rifle?"

"Mike!" Doctor Henderson protested.

I ignored her.

"Go on, Jocelyn, look me in the eyes and tell me you want to die and you want my help to make it happen."

"You can't," she whispered and turned her head away from me.

"And neither can you! May I stay and talk with you, please?"

She shook her head, but I wasn't buying it. I pulled the chair over right next to the bed and put my hand on hers. The restraints kept her from moving away, but when she struggled, I removed my hand.

"Jos, I love you. No matter what. Will you talk to me, please?"

She didn't respond, so I continued.

"Jos, I want to help you; I really do. So do the doctors. And your parents. And Dale will be here instantly if I call him. You know that. Will you please let us help you? I don't think I could handle you being dead."

She was still facing away and had her eyes squeezed tightly shut, but a tear was forming.

"Your mom told me about the hysterectomy. If you somehow thought that would make me love you less, you're mistaken. Obviously, it creates an impossible-to-overcome impediment to having kids together, but that's hardly a reason to kill yourself. That said, if you really want to, and if nobody else will help you do it, I will. But you have to ask me, Jos. You have to look me in the eyes, call me 'Mik', and ask me."

"Mike, can we step outside," Doctor Henderson pleaded.

"No. She can't do what I'm asking her to do because she won't do that to me. Now, we just have to convince her not to do it to herself. Jos, I'm going to leave. If you need me, have your parents call me. I'll come back. But I'm not going to sit here talking to a brick wall."

I turned and made it to the door before she called out.

"Don't go," she pleaded.

I walked back and sat down, and took her hand.

"Will you talk to me?" I asked.

"Just hold my hand, please."

I looked over to Doctor Henderson, who nodded slightly. I undid the Velcro strap around Jocelyn's wrist, took her hand in mine, and held it. About forty silent minutes later, a doctor came in to check on her, and I had to move away. When he finished, I sat back down.

"Jos," I said. "I'm supposed to have dinner with my parents before I go back to McKinley, but I can skip that and stay the night if they'll let me. We're going to see Liz tomorrow morning. I'll stay as long as you need me, right up to having to leave for Columbus."

"Go see your parents," she said.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Do you want me to take off the restraints?"

"Please."

I walked around and undid the Velcro securing her other wrist and then each ankle.

"I need to get someone to stay with her when you leave," Doctor Henderson said. "I'll be right back."

"Jos, do you want to talk?"

"Not today," she sighed. "Go see your parents."

"Are you positive?"

"I am. I'm sorry."

"We'll cover all of that when you're ready to talk, OK? I have things to apologize to you for as well. When you're ready."

"Mik?"

"Yes, Jos?"

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

I leaned down and kissed her forehead just as the door opened, and Doctor Henderson came in with a candy striper.

"This is Anna," Doctor Henderson said. "She'll stay until she's relieved by someone. Somebody will be in the room until I'm sure there isn't a risk."

I nodded, "I understand. Bye, Jos."

"Bye, Mik."

I walked out of the room, followed by Doctor Henderson.

"When I said you couldn't make it worse, I might have been mistaken. That was really, really dangerous."