Chapter 28: Once, And Only Once

September 13, 1981, McKinley, Ohio

After church and my lunch with Tasha, I'd driven back to McKinley. I arrived with just enough time to say 'Hi' to Clark, change clothes, and get to the Quick Mart for work. As I went about my tasks, I thought about my conversation with Father Herman during confession and the looming problem of making love with Emmy. I would, if I was honest with myself and true to my faith, have to confess that. I knew, based on past experience, Father Herman wouldn't directly ask me if it was the same girl and would likely assume it was. But I knew it wasn't, and I felt that would be deceitful. And deceit in confession defeated the entire purpose.

I could, like many of the teens and young adults in church, simply stop going to confession, but I found the advice that Father gave extremely helpful in many instances. But, as the 'goody-two-shoes' reputation I'd had during High School suggested, I hadn't really done anything particularly bad, and certainly nothing that approached what the church would call 'fornication' before the Summer after graduation. Father had spoken of his dilemma, which, I felt, was very similar in character to mine — how to balance my life, my spiritual health, and the teachings of the Church.

I was undoubtedly going to encounter issues like it in the future, especially in my practice of medicine. Certainly, the majority of my patients would be non-Orthodox, and even in a heavily Christian area, there would be those who weren't Christian. Jewish people, for sure, and we had a Hindu family with kids in the High School. I didn't know any Muslims, but I was sure I'd encounter some at some point in my training or career. One thing I knew for sure was that my religious views couldn't affect my treatment of these people. Which is what made me seriously consider including abortion in my training, despite having revulsion for what I considered tantamount to murder.

"Mike?" Nancy called out as I walked past.

"Huh?" I replied, startled from my thoughts.

"Is something wrong? Are you upset with me?"

I shook my head, "No. Why do you think that?"

"Because other than 'Hi', you haven't said a word to me and haven't come to talk to me."

"I just have a lot on my mind," I said.

"Can we talk about it? I feel a bit guilty."

"You? Why?"

"Because of Friday. Listen, come back tonight at 8:00pm, and we'll get ice cream and talk. Please?"

I knew what she was referring to, and there was no question I'd been a bit moody after our conversation on the way to dinner, but my current mood had nothing to do with her. It was mainly about Liz and about my spiritual struggles. But I was also struggling with my relationship with Jocelyn. I couldn't understand why she seemed to be pulling me closer and pushing me away at the same time.

"Sure," I agreed.

I went back to my work, and, other than covering for Nancy's breaks, I had plenty of time to think. I thought about what my mom had said, the things Jocelyn had said, and even the things Liz had said, despite them being the product of her anger and the drugs. And I thought about how things had ended with April. That led me to try to think through my relationships and figure out exactly what was going on.

Of all of them, the one with Tasha was actually the simplest. She had a specific destination in mind but no timeline and no specific path and was just allowing things to progress, ensuring we kept in touch. Her sweet kisses were, in my mind, a promise of 'coming attractions' to confirm what she'd said about the marriage bed. Everything with her felt unhurried, and there was no pressure at all.

Emmy was, in some regards, at the opposite end of the spectrum. She had no specific destination in mind and just wanted to date and have fun. That made sense, given she wouldn't even turn sixteen for another month, and the prospect of some kind of permanent relationship was not even on her radar. It was probably the epitome of a High School dating relationship — have fun, enjoy each other's company, and not worry at all about the future.

April, on the other hand, not only had a specific destination in mind but a direct path from dating me for her entire Sophomore year to marriage, kids, and a life together. I hadn't seen it at first, but over time, it became clear that was what she wanted, and that was her plan. I had figured it out, but only after nearly making the grave mistake of taking her to the motel after Prom. In her mind, making love would have been a permanent commitment, one I could never keep if she refused to convert to Orthodoxy.

Then there was Nancy, who I was just getting to know. I'd detected all manner of contradictory signals from her, and I couldn't be sure exactly what she was thinking. The thought that had come to mind was that her father leaving her mother had colored her picture of relationships, and that picture had been reinforced by how her boyfriend had treated her when he went to college. I was pretty sure her problem was she didn't trust me, and that would make things very difficult. Fortunately, we were just 'going out', and as such, so long as I kept things simple and uncomplicated, I didn't foresee any problems.

That left Jocelyn. She'd spent thirteen years keeping me at arm's length, so to speak, then suddenly, at least from my perspective, wanted to make love. We did, and because of that, she'd changed her mind about going to Purdue, but too late to change it for our Freshman year. Trying to change it for our Sophomore year had led directly to the horrible accident, which led to me being able to see her regularly when we had both thought it would only be at Thanksgiving and Christmas.

The signals Jocelyn gave off were even more confusing than the ones I received from Nancy. Jocelyn would talk about making love, about marriage, about kids, and then, counter-intuitively, insist I date as we'd agreed we would do IF we were apart. But we weren't really apart if I could see her every Saturday night. And because I could do that, and given my feelings for her, was I leading Emmy and Nancy on? Was I leading Tasha on? If Jocelyn and I were steady, I'd see the others as friends and only as friends. But Jocelyn and I weren't steady because she didn't WANT to be steady. Why? I had no real idea.

Emmy hadn't wanted to be steady over the Summer because she knew I was going away, but I had the distinct impression that once her birthday passed and we made love, she'd want to be exclusive. And if THAT was the case, then I was going to find myself in a difficult situation if, or rather when, Jocelyn and I started 'officially' dating. We'd had a two-day love affair, but she wasn't my girlfriend, and weirdly, she didn't want to be my girlfriend. Which brought me back to the same question. Why?

She had given me some clues, and some things my mom and Liz had said all fit the picture. And something my dad had said confirmed it. I was, when it came right down to it, a nerdy wimp who avoided confrontation. That's what Jocelyn wanted to change. That's what Liz had rightfully accused me of. That's what my dad had said, in effect, when he'd said I found my balls. But had I? Not really, unless I actually put that into action and became more decisive.

"Mike, would you cover the register while I take my meal break?" Nancy asked.

"Sure," I replied.

Nancy went to the break room to eat her dinner, and I took care of a couple of dozen customers, primarily students buying snacks and drinks. I recognized a few of them from class, but most of them were upperclassmen I didn't know, even by sight. One thing I noticed was that we sold a LOT of candy. The stuff almost literally flew off the shelves. I liked Snickers, Reese's, or Milky Way now and again, but some of the students appeared to have a serious 'sweet tooth' that needed a steady stream of sugar to sate.

"See you at 8:00pm?" Nancy asked when she came back to the register just before 6:00pm.

"I'll be back," I said.

She smiled, and as soon as my relief came in, I left for the dining hall to have dinner, then went back to my room to find Clark, Carter, and Larry drinking beer with their feet up on the coffee table.

"You guys look comfortable," I said as I went to the fridge to get an RC.

"Yeah," Clark said, "we'd go in the lounge, but somebody would have a fit about us drinking regular beer. That 3.2 shit is like drinking piss!"

"I tried it once," I replied. "I couldn't figure out why ANYONE would drink it! I'm not a big fan of beer, but that stuff is just nasty."

"You're cool with this?"

"Do I look like a narc?"

"Well, you're white..."

"Clark, drop it," Carter interrupted.

I laughed, "Nah, let him go. I'll just give him as much grief as he gives me. I know he's just messing with me."

"How was home?" Carter asked.

"Good. Saw a couple of my friends and my girlfriend, so it's all good."

"You have a steady girlfriend? I thought you went out with a chick here on Fridays."

"Emmy and I aren't steady. We dated over the Summer, and I'll see her when I go home. I'll be going more often than I planned because of my friend who had the accident. I'm not tied down."

"Good! Should we make a scorecard for you?"

I laughed, "Me being with a dozen girls that way is about as likely as you clipping a teacher."

"You seem like a nice guy and are decent-looking. Come to some parties, meet some chicks, and you'll have no trouble! Especially the Catholic girls away from home for the first time!"

"That's just not my style," I said.

"Come on, Mike!" Carter said. "Hot chicks who want to drink and fool around? Sure, go to class and study, get good grades, and all that. But you're SUPPOSED to party! It's right there in the rulebook!"

"I think I missed that rule!"

"Nah, man, you have to read between the lines. All that stuff about what we're not supposed to do? It's because they KNOW we do it, and they need to make it look good for the parents! 'Oh no, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, your daughter will be perfectly safe here! We would NEVER allow sex or drinking on THIS campus!'"

All three guys laughed hard, and I couldn't help but join them.

"Think about it, Mike," Larry said. "How many people get expelled for drinking or screwing? I bet you almost none unless they're stupid about it. That's why we have the beers in here. Nobody will bother us. It's not like they do room-to-room checks! And I talked to a couple of Seniors who said they're pretty lax about the 'no overnight guests' rule. They'll come to the door, ask if the person left, and if you say 'yes', they'll take your word for it and assume they just didn't sign out. Heck, they don't even REALLY enforce the rule about being in the girls' area unless you're stupid or the girl's roommate complains."

"But didn't we sign an agreement to keep those rules?" I asked.

"Do you follow EVERY rule?" Clark asked with a raised eyebrow. "I bet you speed!"

I shook my head, "I actually follow the speed limit pretty closely."

"What rock did YOU crawl out from under?" he asked, shaking his head. "You never got in ANY trouble?"

"Not really. I'm the proverbial 'goody-two-shoes' wimpy nerd."

"Gentlemen, we need to fix this!" Carter declared. "Nobody who is MY friend is allowed to be THAT boring during college!"

I chuckled, "No drugs. I have to draw the line there."

"Don't worry," he said. "None of us are into weed or anything like that. Not ALL brothers are potheads and coke addicts!"

No, that was MY little sister. The white, middle-class girl from a good home. Not a black kid from the ghetto.

"I hate to be a party pooper, but I need to do about an hour's worth of homework before I go meet Nancy for ice cream."

"Have her lick YOUR cone," Larry laughed. "That'll be your first entry on your score sheet!"

"Are you guys REALLY keeping score?" I asked incredulously. "I mean, with names and such?"

"Nah, we're just joking around. About the list, I mean. It's not about doing it! Look out, William Howard Taft, Carter Jones is on the prowl!"

We all laughed, and I went into my bedroom and shut the door. I put on some music and took down my calculus book. I had a dozen problems to do and wanted to finish them before I saw Nancy. I finished just in the nick of time and arrived at the Quick Mart at 8:02pm, just as Nancy was walking out. She took my right hand, and we started walking towards Verner's.

"I'm sorry I was such a bitch on Friday. I really shouldn't have threatened you that way. I like you, and I don't want you to think I was trying to push you away."

"My mood last week and tonight had more to do with stuff back home and adjusting to school than anything you did. I promise."

"Even so, I shouldn't have said what I did. I like you, Mike, and I basically told you if you tried anything at all, I'd slap you or knee you. I'm sorry."

"It's OK," I said.

We turned the corner, and Nancy stopped. I turned to look at her, and she took my left hand in hers and, in one swift move, pressed it to her right breast and squeezed my hand tightly. She let my hand drop, then began walking again. Stunned, I was a step off but caught up.

"I just needed to prove it to you," she said quietly.

"You don't need to prove anything," I said.

"If I didn't, this would never progress beyond hand-holding and a simple 'good night' kiss. Ever. Think about it, Mike!"

We reached the ice cream shop and went in, and we each ordered our turtle sundae. When we had them, we went to sit at a table on the sidewalk.

"I don't think I took it that way," I said. "I got your meaning that if I went 'too far', you'd be upset, but that's pretty normal, don't you think?"

"Yes, but in the back of your mind, anything beyond holding my hand and getting a 'good night' kiss would be 'too far' even if you didn't realize it."

"I guess. Wait! Did you talk to your mom about this?"

"Yes. And she pointed out exactly what I'd done. Told you in no uncertain terms I wasn't interested in you in that way. And I don't mean going to bed, but beyond holding hands and a 'good night' kiss. And even those, you would only do with an express invitation. That's why I grabbed your hand tonight. Be honest, would you have taken my hand without an invitation?"

"I have no idea," I said. "I didn't even think about it. But, I will admit I felt I was getting seriously mixed signals from you."

She nodded, "That's what my mom said, too. She pointed out that, and please don't take this the wrong way, men don't deal very well with mixed signals. And that's probably what happened with the jocks. And with you, too, except your reaction was exactly the opposite. It was what my mom called being a 'perfect gentleman'."

"That's pretty much what I am," I said.

"Obviously! I've seen it every step of the way. Add that to what I said, and you would never have even thought about trying what you did before. I assume you liked it?"

Her breast was both soft and firm, which seemed contradictory in my mind, but those were the two words that popped into my head when I felt it through her soft cotton blouse and her bra.

I chuckled, "I believe I'd put my life in danger if I denied liking it, but yes, I did. Very much."

"Smart boy," she laughed.

If there was ever a time to put the idea of being more assertive and less passive to the test, this was it. She'd given me the opportunity to get some clarity but, more importantly, a way to practice. Talking to Jocelyn and finding out what SHE wanted was a much more frightening thing than asking Nancy, who was 'just a date', or Emmy, who was, as I'd said, my girlfriend.

"You have me wondering," I said. "What is it you want from me? The mixed signals are pretty, well, mixed!"

"I know, and that's my fault. I suppose the simplest thing to say is a series of bad experiences has colored my view of boys and men."

"I wondered about that, actually."

"You seem like a thoughtful, sensitive, contemplative, and introverted guy, so I'm not surprised you thought about my problems. It really comes down to a matter of trust. What do I want from you? In the end, it's for you to be trustworthy."

"Which means?"

"Never lie to me and never mislead me. I actually believe you can do that. That's why I was afraid I'd chased you away. And if the answer to your question was supposed to be about marriage or whatever, that's so far off my radar right now I don't even really think about it. Mom thought Dad was trustworthy. He obviously wasn't. And it took nineteen years for her to find that out. I don't want to make the same mistake."

"But how do you avoid that mistake?"

"When I figure THAT out, I'll know it's time to think about getting married. Trusting someone to make a lifetime commitment is going to be difficult. For now, as I said, I just need someone I can trust to tell me the truth and not mislead me."

"I'll do my best," I said.

She smiled, "Good. Because that's the actual hurdle."

"Hurdle?"

"The hurdle to jump if you want to actually touch what I let you feel through my blouse."

I nodded because I couldn't think of a thing to say. We ate our ice cream in silence and then walked to the campus to get my car so I could drive her home. We rode in silence for about five minutes before she spoke.

"You got quiet again," she said.

"I was just thinking about what you said and all the other stuff that's weighing on me."

"May I be a bit blunt?"

"Sure."

"It's almost as if you're brooding. As if you're angry or offended or whatever, and so you shut down."

"I do have something of a history of doing that, according to my friends and family."

"So how do I get through it to find the real Mike Loucks?"

I shrugged, "I don't know."

And I really didn't. Mom, Liz, Jocelyn, and Dale were really the only ones who knew me well. Father Herman knew a lot, but I didn't really interact with him outside church, so he only knew that part of me, plus what I confessed. I realized that April didn't REALLY know me very well because if she had, the issue of church wouldn't have surprised her. Emmy knew me a bit, but our relationship was shallow compared to what I had with Jocelyn or Dale. With those two, I just shared naturally, something I found difficult to do otherwise.

When we arrived at Nancy's house, I walked her to the door, and she let us in so I could say 'hello' to her mom as I was expected to do.

"Mom? Mike is here!"

There was no response, and Nancy walked to the kitchen and came back with a note.

"She's at Mrs. Lawson's house and won't be back until 10:00pm."

"OK. Then I guess I can't say 'hello', so I'll head back."