Chapter 24: New Routines, Part I

August 29, 1981, Columbus, Ohio

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"Despite spending two days screwing like bunny rabbits," Jocelyn said with a smile, "I think you're STILL afraid of sex. May I ask another question?"

"I guess," I sighed.

"Why haven't you and Emmy done it? Because of her? Or because of you?"

I could give her the answer that immediately popped into my mind — that Emmy wasn't sixteen and was under the age of consent. But I knew there was some truth to what Jocelyn said. In fact, the age of consent was an excuse. Deep down, I knew that fear had kept me from agreeing to go to bed with Becky. And that was probably true about Carol as well. But I was reasonably confident I had been OK with the idea of April and had even made plans. And I certainly had plans with Emmy.

"Because of me, I guess. But I made plans with April, from which she backed out. And you and me, of course."

"That's true. You were fine with the IDEA of having sex with me right up until we got into that hotel room. Then, your fear took over, and I had to push things. You have no real idea what would have happened with April. If your fear had kicked in, you probably wouldn't have done it unless she forced the issue."

"Probably," I admitted.

"Are you going to be afraid on Valentine's Day?"

"Why would I be afraid of having sex with you?" I asked.

"Because of your personality. Because of your values. You seem to think that because we made love, you've made some kind of permanent commitment. In your mind, it's more than just agreeing to try. I don't quite know how to explain it, really. You thought making love with April would be what amounted to a permanent commitment. Fundamentally, you've bought into your church's ideas and teaching about sex. Mine teaches the same thing, and I had the same kind of struggle. The thing is, you were scared. I wasn't."

"At all?"

"It was you, Mik! What was there to be afraid of? If I couldn't make love with you, then who? That's what confused me about you being so afraid. I think I've figured it out now that I've had a lot of time to think, lying here in the hospital with nothing else to do. At first, I thought it was just nerves, but it was more than that. You were frightened, truly frightened. But it's not just sex. You're afraid to be too close to people because you don't want to get hurt. Besides Dale and me, how many close friends did you have?"

"None, I guess."

"You also don't like confrontation, so you just kind of let things drop to avoid it. April was the first ever real confrontation you ever had. You handled it more or less like an adult, but you had to be pushed, right?"

"Yes."

"There's only one thing in your life you've been completely focused on and with which you never let anything interfere."

"Wanting to be a doctor."

"Yes. But what happens when you have a true confrontation during your training? Or a serious conflict? What are you going to do? Shut down and run away?"

There was that phrase again. The one Liz had used.

"Jos, can I change the subject for a minute? Please?"

"We're not done with this conversation."

"I know. But twice now you've said I 'run away'. Liz said that to me three times, and it confused me. She said it's what I always do."

"What was the context?"

"If I tell you, you can NOT repeat what I say to anyone, under any circumstance!"

"Pinky swear?" she smirked.

I laughed, "I don't think we've done that since third or fourth grade!"

We locked pinkies and shook.

"So?"

"The first time was when she was in a really strange mood, most likely high on something. She asked me to have sex with her, and when I said I wouldn't dignify that with a response and decided to leave, she told me I was 'running away', and it's what I always did."

"I, uh, don't even know what to say. Was she serious?"

"I have no idea, but it sure seemed like it. She asked me to go up to her room and screw, though she used the more vulgar term."

"Jesus!" Jocelyn gasped.

"Yeah. The second time was when she was upset because I told my parents I thought she was taking drugs. She turned nasty, and I told her I couldn't talk to her when she was in that mood and walked away. She accused me of running away at that point. The third time was when I went to say 'goodbye' on Wednesday morning."

Jocelyn was quiet for a minute.

"I have an idea if you want to hear it?" she said.

"At this point, I'd take advice from my worst enemy if I had one."

"She WANTS you to tell her to stop doing what she's doing. And I don't just mean once. She needs you to MAKE her stop."

"What?"

"Think about it. Each of those times was an instance when you walked away rather than truly confront her. It makes sense. She had to know you would never have sex with her, right?"

"I'm sure that's the case, yes."

"So she was obviously trying to upset you and provoke you. She upset you, but instead of provoking a confrontation, it resulted in you basically throwing up your hands and walking away."

"«Проклятье» (proklyatye)," I sighed.

"Code, Mik."

"It's a mild one. The closest would be something like 'doggone it' or 'darn', but the implication is the same as those — 'God damn'. If you're right, what do I do? My mom basically told me to let her and my dad handle it."

"You're going home next weekend, right?"

"Sunday after work."

"Try to talk to her if you can. One on one. And don't back down. And don't run away."

"You know I detest conflict; you said so yourself."

"You could let Liz become pregnant, contract VD, or overdose. Or very likely all three."

I sighed, "Is this what being married to you is going to be like?"

Jocelyn shook her head, "No because unless you figure out how to get past the issues we just discussed, we'll be really, really good friends and marry other people. Well, after we fuck each other silly for a few years."

I laughed, "Those two days made you VERY horny!"

"I was horny BEFORE those two days. Now I know what it's like with you, Mik! Well, once you quit being scared of your own shadow!"

"My sister said I was probably the most boring screw on the planet."

Jocelyn smiled, "The only opinion on that which matters is mine, and I disagree. But I bet she said 'fuck', didn't she?"

"Yes. We had the discussion about swearing back in Cincinnati. I happen to agree with my mom on the topic."

"I know. But I will make one very important suggestion about your talk with Liz."

"What?"

"Swear. It'll actually have shock value with your sister."

"I'll think about it. Something just dawned on me, too."

"What?"

"She called me a coward. I thought she was referring to the fact I wouldn't go to bed with her. But she was referring to the fact I wouldn't confront her!"

"Exactly."

"Thanks, Jos. I totally missed it."

"Back to our other conversation. All I want you to do is work on loosening up a bit and getting to know people who don't fit your worldview."

"I'll try."

"Good. And remember, you're SUPPOSED to date this year. Don't go falling in love with someone, but date."

"Yes, Dear," I grinned.

Jocelyn laughed, "Hold that thought!"

"I will."

"And Mike, I know you well enough that I don't think it's a risk, but I want to be clear I'm not giving you license to screw half the student body."

"I don't WANT that kind of license!" I declared firmly. "But enough about that; what's the latest on you?"

"The usual concern with my kind of injury is a pulmonary embolism, but I haven't had any breathing difficulties, and now that it's long enough past the surgery, they have me on anticoagulants. They'll keep that up during my physical therapy. Otherwise, I got out of bed this morning and did my first therapy session. It was torture, just as I thought it would be. On the plus side, I did well, so I get to have my shower tomorrow. I have to sit to do it, but just being under the spray is going to be worth it."

"I'm just surprised at how quickly they get you out of bed."

"I asked the doctor, and basically, it reduces the risk of all kinds of negative outcomes, with pneumonia being the worst. That's the last thing I need right now. And being able to be out of bed means solid food!"

"And the catheter?"

"Not yet. They need the bladder tear to heal completely before any pressure is allowed to build up. It'll come out for a test in about a week. That's when I'll know about the incontinence problems."

"And the other thing?"

Jocelyn smirked, "I did a test last night. It works."

I laughed hard, "Do I want to know?"

"Not THAT far. I might actually hurt myself. But a few gentle rubs in the right place told me things are working as they did before!"

"Did you share that with the doctor?"

"Of course! He was NOT happy, but he was happy if you get my drift."

"Yeah. Glad you don't have permanent nerve damage but unhappy you did your own test."

"I sure as hell wasn't going to let HIM do the test!" she said, laughing.

"Uh, yeah."

"You know I'm going to have some bad scars, right?"

I nodded, "Yes. I assumed. I don't care, Jos."

She smiled, "I was sure that was the case, but my psychologist insisted I tell you."

"Psychologist?"

"You don't think being in a head-on car wreck where the other person dies, having major surgery, and an eight-to-ten-month recovery with physical therapy might not be a bit emotional and nerve-racking?"

"I hadn't even thought about it."

"I suppose that's one more thing you'll learn. I know a LOT more about medicine than I did before."

I nodded, "I bet. I prefer to learn from THIS side of the bed."

"Don't take this the wrong way, but I bet you would learn something from THIS side of the bed, too. It's not easy being in this bed and having people poke and prod me at all hours, having wires and tubes in and on me, and being in pain."

"I wouldn't have thought it was. How long can I stay?"

"Until 8:00pm, if you can. Mom and Dad said they'll buy you dinner after visiting hours if you want."

"That sounds good. What can I do for you?"

"Just pull the chair over and sit with me and hold my hand."

That's what I did.

When I finally arrived back at the dorm, I had a new roommate. He wasn't in the room when I arrived, but his things were there. I put on some music and waited for him, but I didn't see him before I decided to turn in.

August 30, 1981, McKinley, Ohio

On Sunday, I went to church at Saint Michael the Archangel Church and enjoyed simply standing in the nave during Matins and the Liturgy. It allowed me to clear my mind and be at peace, which was not always the case when I was serving at the altar. When the service ended, I joined the congregation in the parish hall for coffee and refreshments. A number of people came up and introduced themselves to me, including one «бабушка» (babushka) who was clearly scoping me out for matchmaking purposes. There were quite a few girls in their late teens, and I was prepared for the proverbial 'full-court press' in the not-too-distant future.

I left the church just before 1:00pm to drive back to campus. I went up to my room and changed out of my usual church clothes into something more appropriate to working at the Quick Mart and then went to the dining hall to have a late lunch just before they closed. I ate and then walked to work. I put on my smock and reported to Nancy.

"You missed the football rush," she said. "Double-check the beer and pop. You might need to move it forward in the cooler. And check the ice."

"I'm on it!" I declared and got to work.

Each time I finished a task, I took a quick walk around the store to check for spills or out-of-place goods, then went to Nancy to ask for something else to do. I took over on the register during her breaks, but otherwise, she kept me busy with tasks on the floor or in the stockroom.

"You're too damned efficient!" she laughed when I came back for more to do just after 5:00pm.

"I could slack off or goof off if you told me to!" I said with a silly grin.

"No thanks! You get so much more done than Billy!"

"I take it he's coming in at 6:00pm?"

"Sadly, yes."

"What time does your shift end today?"

"8:00pm."

"What do you do for dinner?"

"I get a break at 6:30pm. I was thinking of taking it at 5:30pm because I trust YOU to handle things while I'm eating and not interrupt me every two minutes the way Billy does."

"I'm wondering why he's still working here," I said.

"Family ties. He's Mr. Sokolov's nephew. His mom is Mr. Sokolov's youngest sister."

"Ugh."

"I believe that's what Mr. Sokolov thinks, too!"

"How old is Billy?"

"Twenty-two. He lives at home, and he's good-for-nothing, basically. He had the nerve to ask me out last year. I told him to pound sand!"

I laughed, "In those words?"

"Yes. Seriously, he's a loser. Now, if YOU asked me out..."

Remembering Jocelyn's advice, I didn't try to beg off. Nancy seemed like a very nice girl and someone I'd like to get to know better.

"Nancy, would you like to get some ice cream when you get off shift?"

"I most certainly would! I just need to call home and let Mom know. There's a really good place, Verner's, just down the street. Can you take me home afterwards?"

"Sure. Where do you live?"

"About a mile from Mr. Sokolov's church."

"That's mine, too," I said. "Well, mine while I'm at college."

"You're Russian?"

"Did you SEE the name he had embroidered on the smock?" I grinned.

"You know, I just glanced and saw it started with 'M-I-K' and didn't think about it. Is that your given name?"

"It depends on who you ask. According to my mom, I'm Mikhail Petrovich Loucks. According to Harding County and the State of Ohio, I'm Michael Peter Loucks. Most people call me Mike, though people at church, if they're of Russian descent, call me Mikhail or one of the diminutives."

She had to help two customers before she could continue the conversation.

"Diminutives?" she asked.

"Mishka or Mischa, which more or less mean 'Mikey' or 'Mike'. Mr. Sokolov would be 'Alyosha', but I wouldn't dare call him that because he's my boss and much older. Well, he could grant permission, but that's not likely."

"So, like friends or parents?"

"Yes. Mischa would be what a friend would use; Mishka would be what you called a little kid, or perhaps something a girlfriend would use."

"We'll continue this after. Would you make sure everything is in good order before you turn the store over to the loser?"

"Yes, Ma'am!" I grinned.

I did as she asked, and about fifteen minutes later, I saw Billy come in. As soon as he had his smock on, I ditched mine and headed back to the dorm, hoping to catch Charlie Fox before I went out for ice cream. He wasn't there and didn't return before I made my way back to the Quick Mart to wait for Nancy to finish her shift. When she came out, I waved, and she walked over to me. She pointed the way, and we headed to Verner's to get our ice cream.

"What are you having?" I asked.

"Can I tell you something funny but inappropriate?" Nancy asked. "I promise it's funny and simply meant as a joke between you and me."

"Sure."

"When I was fifteen, I was here and ordered a sundae. Some smart-ass college kid came over and asked if he could have my cherry. I totally missed the joke at first, but about thirty seconds later, it dawned on me, and I turned bright red."

"He wasn't referring to maraschino, was he?"

"No, he wasn't. I haven't ordered a sundae since."

I decided to change up my usual order, silently chuckling that I would follow Jocelyn's advice to 'live a little'.