Chapter 6

I woke up to a beeping alarm clock after another restless night. Despite my best hopes, Ilse hadn’t called me the day before. I had dozed off only half an hour ago when the beeping startled me. I hit the snooze button three times. That way the alarm would start again in thirty minutes and wake me up in time to call my manager. It took several long minutes, but I managed to fall asleep again.

Nightmares had plagued me for most of the night again. I had eaten another light meal after getting back from my long hike through the forest, still not feeling very hungry. My actions had devastated me. I kept hoping that Ilse would call, or send me a text message, but none of that had happened. Finally, I decided to kill the bottle of wine I had bought a day earlier.

Normally I don’t drink a lot, usually only at social occasions and never more than two to three glasses. Finishing a whole bottle alone had the desired effect and I had been too drunk for coherent thought, killing my ability to wallow in constant self-pity by rehashing my thoughts.

It was after two a.m. when I had finally managed to crawl in my bed, although not before throwing up in the toilet bowl. My upset stomach couldn’t handle the amount of liquor I had imbibed and decided to spew it back from the entrance it came from, rather than processing it all the way through my digestive system. I had lost sufficient control over my muscles to open a bottle of painkillers, those damned childproof bottles!

The alarm clock waking me up several minutes earlier, at seven a.m., did not go down well with me. I had the mother lode of all headaches. It felt as if somebody had hit my head with a sledgehammer. The loud pounding in my head refused to stop and every sound seemed amplified tenfold. On top of that, my stomach was also still upset and I had a dry throat. Every time I swallowed, it felt like I had cotton in my throat. This only added to my agony.

The damned alarm beeped again thirty minutes later. I turned it off and picked up my phone from the bedside table. Hitting the speed dial, I called my manager, telling him that I wasn’t feeling well and wouldn’t be coming to work today. I must have sounded like shit since he didn’t even bother asking me what was wrong. I guess it was obvious enough that I was in no mood to talk. He gave me his best wishes, told me not to worry about anything and to send him an e-mail when I was in the office again.

It only took me a few moments to pass out again after I ended the call, nightmares plaguing me once more. That little lighthouse seemed to become smaller and smaller, getting increasingly further away and no matter what I tried, I couldn’t seem to reach it. Whenever I came up with a solution in my horror infested dream to counter a problem, a new problem would appear out of nowhere, making my solution obsolete. The void claimed me in the end; it felt as if I was drowning in the middle of a dark, thunderous storm, swallowing me whole. My plaguing horrors finally vanished and darkness overwhelmed me, giving my tormented mind some rest at last.

I didn’t wake up again until well in the midday. I still felt like shit, but at least my body had gotten some rest. My throat hurt horribly by now and I slowly got up. My cat was already meowing for new cat food. In fact, her insistent meowing had woken me up in the first place. Taking care of my own needs first, I went into the bathroom.

The sight that greeted me in the mirror was not a pleasant one. I thought one of the creatures from my nightmares had turned into reality at first, coming to haunt me outside my dream. Looking a little closer, I noticed that my reflection stared back at me. To say that what I saw shocked me would be an understatement. My eyes were bloodshot, my hair was a complete mess, and a two-day stubble made me look like a tramp.

First things first, water. I must have drunk close to a liter from the tap and it still didn’t feel like it was enough. Sitting down on the toilet, I took care of my other bodily functions. I hadn’t bothered getting undressed when I went to bed and I took care of that next. Once I was undressed, I stepped into the shower for a long soak. It was time to get my life somewhat back in order.

I would give Ilse a phone call later today to see if she would talk to me again, but I knew I would only get one shot at that. If I messed up again, she’d be gone forever. As such, I wanted to prepare myself as well as I possibly could. The first thing I had to do was to get myself organized. I had to clean up the mess I had created of my mind, body, and soul. Feeding the cat and cleaning up the mess in my house the second thing. Sorry cat, but you’d just have to wait a bit longer. If it was any consolation, your caretaker was suffering even more.

The long, warm shower felt refreshing. As I showered, I occasionally took a sip of water, which thankfully decreased the pounding in my head. I made sure to shampoo my hair as well and get everything squeaky clean. I saw that I had improved a lot already when I looked in the mirror again. My eyes were no longer bloodshot and my hair was at least somewhat neat again.

The only thing I still had to fix was my stubble, but some shaving cream and a razor blade made short work of that. Hell, by the time I was done I almost looked handsome again. After I put on some clothes, I went to the kitchen to refill my cat’s bowl with fresh water and give her extra cat food, much to her delight. She was so excited she even purred while eating, which was something she rarely did. I guess she really was hungry. After petting her for a minute all seemed to be fine again between us and I got busy with cleaning up the mess I had created in my drunken stupor.

I had damaged one flower box beyond repair, had spilled some wine on the couch, and the fragments of a broken glass were lying in a corner of the room. There was some dried up wine on the wall above it. I had apparently thrown away a glass with some wine. I vaguely remembered doing so after considering it nonsense to refill a glass every time, if I could just drink straight from the bottle instead.

Shaking my head at my stupidity, I got to work. It took a good two hours before all the damage was undone, or at least as much as possible. I would need to replace the flower or simply forget about it since it was shattered beyond repair.

It was 4:47 p.m. according to my watch when I finished. My nervousness started to build up again, I really wanted to give Ilse a phone call, but I had no idea how she would respond. I went to my study and sat while I watched my desk phone. She didn’t have my landline number and I had a better chance of her picking up the phone than when I called with my smartphone. I fidgeted until it was exactly 5:00 p.m. For some reason, I had gathered the courage to call her at exactly that time; it seemed as if the start of a new hour was also the start of a new attempt to get in contact with her.

It took ages before she picked up the phone. It had rung over five times already and I was afraid that she’d simply ignore my call, letting it go to voicemail.

Instead, I heard a careful, “Hello?”

“Ilse?” My god, my voice sure sounded desperate.

Well, I’d better do my best to grab her attention while I could, I’d likely only get one shot at this.

“Ilse, I’ve been such a fool,” I started, trying hard not to break out in sobs. “I’ve been thinking of nothing else since you ran out of my house. You were right, I am an asshole and you deserve better than having me, but I really like you and I want to be with you and the kids. Can you forgive me?”

I know it wasn’t very manly to cry, but it was hard not to break out in tears. Despite my best efforts a couple of tears still trickled down my cheek. I couldn’t afford to lose her again.

“Tom, I...” Ilse started, with an unsure tone in her voice, “ ... I don’t know what to say.”

“Can I please come over and apologize in person? I’ve been an egoist and I should have known better. I didn’t realize how much I truly care for you until you ran away. I really miss you.”

It sounded like the song text of a bad pop song to my own ears, but those were the first words that came to mind. I didn’t know what else I could say to convince her. The past three days had been a living hell for me. I nervously awaited her answer, hoping for a positive one.

“I’ll have to think about this, Tom,” Ilse replied.

Well, at least it wasn’t an outright refusal, but I wasn’t anywhere near the safe zone either.

“Please, Ilse, I want to make it up to you. I’ve made a terrible mistake and I realize that I hurt you a lot. What I did was wrong, but I hope you can give me another chance. I promise that I’ll never do something as stupid as this again. It’s killing me, not to be near you, not to see your smile or feel the warm touch of your lips, not being able to smell your lovely perfume ... It—, it’s killing me.”

My emotions were starting to overwhelm me again and it felt like Saturday once more. My body had literally gone into shock that day. Like then, my body started to tremble, but this time I was fighting it, fighting to keep control over my body and mind so I could hear her answer. The image of a lighthouse came to mind. It was a real struggle, but I managed to stop the shaking and regained control over myself.

“Okay, Tom,” Ilse replied after a long moment of silence. It was hard to tell what exactly she meant by that.

“Okay?”

“Okay, you can visit me,” Ilse said, with a resigned voice.

A humongous wave of relief washed over me, I had managed to convince her! Wait, had I really managed to convince her?

Not believing my luck, I asked with a surprised voice, “Really?”

I instantly regretted doing so, stupid, stupid, stupid! Don’t give her a chance to withdraw her permission you fool!

“Yes, you goof, really,” Ilse responded with an amused voice.

Good, there was hope yet and this time I wouldn’t blow it by being an egotistical bastard. I’d die before I’d let that happen again.

“I’ll be right there!” I exclaimed, almost pulling my desk phone with the cord and all out of the wall.

“Err-, I mean, I’ll be right there after I hang up the phone. Ah-, eh-, see you in a sec I guess?”

I could hear a soft laugh coming from Ilse laughing. Her laughter was like the voice of an angel and music to my ears. I know that sounds cheesy, but picture having to listen to the worst possible static noise you could think of and then suddenly having that noise switch to a lovely melody that you could listen to for hours. That was how she sounded at that moment.

“I’ll see you in a moment, drive safely,” Ilse said as a warning.

“I will!” I replied, giving her a big kiss through the phone after which I hung up.

I scratched my cat behind her ears while telling her, “It looks like I’m not a complete failure after all. Watch over the house while I’m gone, will ya?”

“Meow!” Came the determined reply from my cat, I had the impression that if she knew how to salute that she’d do so.

I quickly grabbed my car keys, locked the front door, and drove the short distance to Ilse’s apartment. I stormed the staircases taking the steps two at a time again. The air burned in my lungs and my muscles were tired of the exercise by the time I reached the fifth floor, but I didn’t even notice it.

Ilse was already waiting for me at the front door. I was panting heavily by the time I got to her and I nearly collapsed from exhaustion. Luckily, my hand found support against the wall while I tried to say the things I wanted to say. My body screamed for oxygen though, which hindered my ability to speak. When I finally caught my breath and looked up, I saw that Ilse’s face held an expression of both amusement and concern.

Between heavy pants, I managed to say, “I’m-, I’m sorry, Ilse. I’m-, I’m really sorry.”

I felt too embarrassed to look her in the eyes and instead I stared at my feet. My lungs burned in my chest, my body was not used to this kind of work out. I had to cough loudly for a moment, wracking my body with spasms. I could feel a tear trickling down my cheek. I saw that Ilse’s expression had turned to one of sadness and concern when I looked up at her face. The look of amusement had disappeared.

“I know I messed up, but please give me another chance,” I said. “I’ve done a lot of thinking these past three days. I’ve gone through hell, but I know I deserved it all for the pain I caused you.”

My breathing finally returned to normal and it became easier to speak.

“Why don’t you come inside?” Ilse suggested. “Bram and Naomi will be glad to see you and we can talk later.”

I had a grateful look in my eyes and followed her inside.

“Tom!” Naomi yelled, running toward me.

I picked the little girl up and gave her a hug, which she eagerly returned.

“Thank you so much for Teddy! He’s the sweetest bear ever!”

Naomi’s enthusiasm made me laugh for the first time in three days, and I replied, “I’m glad he’s good to you. I asked for a volunteer in the toy store that would cuddle and watch over a cute girl every day. He was the first one that stepped up and he promised me that he’d do a good job.”

“Really?” she asked with big eyes.

“Yes, really, I’m glad he’s making good on his promise,” I said.

After putting the girl down again, she happily scampered off while taking Teddy with her. Looking up to Ilse I saw that she had a smile on her face as well.

Bram must have heard that I was there too. He came charging out of his bedroom and ran up to me to hug my leg.

“Hey there, big boy, have you been taking good care of your mother and sister?” I asked him while tousling his hair.

He only hugged me harder in response.

Lowering myself to his height, I asked him with a soft voice, “Did you give your mother my message?”

He sniffed when replying softly, “Yeah, I did. I told her not to let you go and that you were sorry. You are the best man ever.”

His reply made me feel warm inside and I hugged him close, whispering, “Thank you,” in his ear.

A little louder, I asked, “Could I get some time with your mother alone while you and Naomi play in your room?”

“Okay,” he simply replied, leaving the living room to just Ilse and me.

Ilse was sniffing too at this point and I opened my arms to offer her a hug. She walked the short distance and melted in my embrace.

With soft tones, I said close to her ear, “Sorry for being such an idiot, Ilse.”

With an equally soft voice, she replied, “Tom, I forgive you. I won’t forget what you did and it still hurts a lot, but I forgive you. Bram and Naomi both like you a lot and they convinced me to give you another chance.”

Grabbing me a little tighter, she added, “Just never pull such a stunt again.”

I gave her a soft kiss on her forehead, before replying, “I won’t. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and I discovered what’s truly important to me. You, Bram, and Naomi are; everything else doesn’t matter.”

I finally said something right. Ilse held me close and quietly sobbed on my shoulder. Her emotions were getting the better of her, which I could understand all too well. We had both been on an emotional roller coaster the past days.