I’m good. No, not that sort of good, I’m good at what I do. I’m a programmer and I’m there when development reaches the, “Oh shit! We need to get this released next month and there’s still a shedload of testing to do,” stage. That’s when I get called in to test the piece of crap they’ve written and fix the worst of the bugs. All of the bugs? Hah! Don’t kid me. They’ve only given me a month and it would take a year to clean up their piece of junk software properly. So I fix the most obvious bugs, the kind the users will see. The ones the users won’t see? Well, the users don’t see them, do they. But I know. I know what those bugs are, where they’re hidden and what they can do for me.

So, there you are, on your phone. Does it have GPS? I know where you are. Did you take a selfie? I know what you look like. Got your Facebook account on there? Instagram? I know. If it’s on your phone, I know. No, I don’t work for one of those government organisations whose names are a bunch of letters, I just work for myself. If you’ve got one of the apps I worked on, the ones with the bugs you don’t see, then I know. All those zombies walking the streets with their faces stuck in their phones? I know.

I don’t just fix other people’s apps, I wrote my own. To sell? No, I give my app away for free, isn’t that nice of me? It’s so free you don’t even know you’ve got it. It’s hidden on your phone and every minute you spend looking at your phone you’re looking at my app as well. I call it SHA-1: “Subliminal Hypnosis App-1”. Great name, yeah? Great for me anyway.