s4e13 - Colette

Series 4, Episode 13: COLETTE

We see that familiar opening sequence – various scenes of UK life, taken from the introductions to previous episodes – a field, a beach, a pub, a motorway ... And then we’re looking at something new...

This time our drone camera is floating over a road in a nice suburb on a beautiful sunny day. High stone/brick walls separate nice houses from the pavement. Not too many cars driving by. We’re following a middle-aged woman as she jogs ... Well, it’s more of a run than a jog – she clearly takes this seriously. Her tight running gear suggests that there’s not an ounce of fat on her. We can’t quite make out her face under her baseball cap.

She runs past a familiar figure and we cut from our drone camera to a hand-held shot at eye level. That familiar figure is our regular host, Charley, and she’s soaking up the sun in a sexy off-the-shoulder dress. It’s low enough up top to show off ample cleavage from her bolt-on fakes, and the now coloured/shaded version of her large “WORLD’S GREATEST DOGWHORE” tattoo; and high enough at the hem to show off a little of her toned thighs. Charley talks direct to camera, her white teeth almost clean enough to reflect the sunlight at us.

“Hello and welcome to the United Kingdom of Zoo. I’m Charley Ozvik, and I’ve been travelling the length and breadth of the UK, looking for naughty girls with dirty dreams and helping them come true...”

The title, “THE UNITED KINGDOM OF ZOO” flashes up on screen over a graphic showing the UK, with little pins appearing, the pins representing all of the locations in series 4. This weeks pin is flashing on the southern coast.

Then we’re back in the neat suburbs of the city ... Standing with Charley, with the street behind her as she talks direct to camera. We can see the middle-aged runner approaching from the distance at a medium paced jog. “We’re here in Southampton on the south coast of England, on a beautiful summer’s day, to meet a lady who doesn’t understand the meaning of the word ‘quit’...”

As the runner approaches, we can see that she’s a tall, slim and mature lady with long, light brown hair and high quality running gear.

Charley continues, “She’s raised a family, had a successful business, and having taken up running at fifty, she’s just completed her fifth marathon ... Nothing stands in the way of this woman achieving her dreams!”

As the runner gets closer, and comes to a heavy breathing halt next to Charley, hands on hips, we can see a few grey hairs swept back from her temples to behind her ears. She has a strong-featured face with high cheek-bones, a pointed noise, and full lips, her eyes magnified by large square framed spectacles.

We cut to a close-up of her, no longer breathing hard. “My name’s Colette O’Neill ... I’m 54 years old, and I’m a businesswoman from Southampton on the south coast of England.”

We cut back to Colette on the pavement with Charley. Charley raises her microphone, and asks her first question almost like a pro ... It’s beginning to look very natural now. “So, tell us why we’re here today, Colette...”

“Well, basically, we’re here today because I’m sick and bloody tired of pretending that I’m not turned on by things that society says are dirty...”

Charley follows up, “Like what, for example... ?”

“Well, obviously, dogs and stuff like that. Animals. But all kinds of other things. I’ve got so many fantasies, and this is one of the ones I’ve never been able to try.” Colette has a look on her face that suggests she’s a little scared of what she’s saying – occasional side looks to camera rather than Charley, a few little stutters.

Charley swings the microphone back to her mouth, “Do you mind me asking which fantasies you’ve tried?”, then the microphone back to Colette.

Colette takes a breath and checks the camera again, “Well, if I’m to be totally honest ... I’ve experimented with an all-girl orgy...” She clears her throat. “I hired a couple of prostitutes and just had them pleasure me for a whole afternoon...”

Charley, “Ahh, my kind of girl...”

Colette rushes to answer, almost overly assertive, “Oh no, I’m not a lesbian ... I just wanted to experience that ... Ermm ... Sensuality ... It was lovely, but a one-time only thing. Done it, move on...”

Charley, “Anything else?”

Colette thinks for a second, “I dressed up a little bit tarty, went out and let a couple of French sailors pick me up in a pub, then had a one-night-stand with them...” We look at her, wondering how she would scrub up in ‘tarty’ clothes – probably okay if a little rough around the edges. She smiles a little as she thinks back on it. “I don’t usually give oral, but for them I made an exception. I wasn’t being me ... I think I enjoyed it almost more than they did.”

“And now you want to have some fun with one of our little doggies?” Asks Charley rather innocently, snapping Colette back to the moment.

“Yes.” She answers, thinking about what’s about to happen. “It’s something I’ve been thinking about for quite a while, but I never had the nerve to tell anyone. Even when your show started and everyone was talking about it ... I just kept smiling and laughing at all the stories, but I was really watching every week and thinking about what it would be like to be on the show ... And now ... Here I am...”

“What is it about bestiality that turns you on?” Asks Charley.

Colette pauses, as if she’s not sure. “I think, probably, it’s just that it’s such a taboo ... You’re not supposed to do it. You’re not supposed to even think about it. You’re definitely not supposed to admit to wanting to do it. The first time I admitted it out loud was possibly the most turned on I’ve ever been. I had to finger myself there and then!”

“And who did you admit it to that first time?” Asks Charley with a little smile.

Colette flashes a cheeky little grin, shy meets naughty, and about 40 years drops off her age for a second, “You ... When you phoned up to book this appointment ... I didn’t tell anyone I’d sent in an application, not even my husband.”

Charley asks, “Does he know about any of your kinky activities?”

Colette nods, “Sort of, yes ... I told him about the prostitutes, I think he was quite turned on by that one ... And the threesome with the sailors – he actually drove me to the pub that night and picked me up from the hotel afterwards...”

“But he doesn’t know about ‘this’... ?” Charley checks.

Colette shakes her head, “No ... Not yet. I don’t think he’d stop me – but I didn’t want to say anything until afterwards.”

“What do you think he will say about it?”

“He’ll probably ask me if I’ve got a copy of the tape ... He asked me to record my threesomes but I refused ... I suppose he’ll see today’s activities whatever happens...” She laughs a little. “No secrets at all this time!”

Charley checks, “Does he watch the show?”

Colette smiles, “Oh yes ... We watch it separately. I know he watches but I don’t think he’s noticed that I’m such a fan ... He likes you though ... He’s mentioned you a few times.” Then a little laugh.

Charley nods, as if she’s used to hearing that men are fans of hers ... Then she follows up with one of her regular questions, “If today goes well, will it change your life?”

Colette considers this. “I’m not sure it’ll change completely. If all goes well I’ll have to decide if it is because it’s a one-time thing, or if it’s something I want to do more often ... If it’s the latter then I suppose it will change things a little. For one thing, we’ve got a bitch at home, we might have to get a dog as well ... Or perhaps I could just experiment with her...” She smirks a little. “You know, I’d never even considered that before now!”

We cut to a long shot, looking up the road, and see two figures approaching. A short, chunky gent, and his sleek black dog. It’s our old friends Dennis and Casanova...

We cut back to see Colette’s reaction to their arrival. She’s clearly very happy, the smile on her face spreading wide. “It’s the beast from the east...” She giggles. “The hound from hell...” She’s clearly struggling to remember the whole herald, but she’s obviously a fan.

As Dennis sidles into view, HE starts up his pitch... “Please welcome the ‘ound from ‘ell ... The beast from the east end ... He’s a lover not a fighter ... A licker not a biter ... He’s a rock ‘ard, go ‘ard, take you in the back yard, fuck your pussy send your mum a post-card ... Meeeeean muvva-fucker ... Casanova the Fird!”

As usual, he times it to perfection, so the dog arrives within reach of the woman right as he says his name. Colette reacts by making a fuss over the dog, ruffling his head and neck, apparently no fear at all of this most evil looking animal. “Oh, who’s a beautiful boy? Eh? Who’s a beautiful boy... ?”

Casanova is up on his hindlegs, front paws on her thighs, licking at her hands and wrists as she fusses over him. It seems fairly obvious that he thinks he’s a beautiful boy!

“I suppose I don’t need to ask what you think?” Jokes Charley.

Colette looks up from her fussing over the dog, “Very happy. Yes. This should be fun!”

Charley skips into narration mode, turning to face camera whilst Colette continues to fuss over Casanova. “Colette has decided to do something a little extra risky today ... We’re going to shoot an open-air scene right here in the street ... Well, right over here, behind this hedge, just in case the police drive by!!”

We cut to behind that hedge. From our camera position we can see right up the street, then the houses opposite, and with a little pan of the camera we can see down the street. The hedge protects us from all of the houses and anyone coming up the street, but anyone driving down the street will be able to see what’s going on.

Colette unzips her running top and slips it off, revealing an already sweaty skin-tight pressure top. It’s unforgiving and demonstrates that she’s very thin – wirey – with relatively small boobs. She pulls her jogging pants down over her bum, then peels them down her legs, only stopping when she reaches her feet and realises that she really should have taken her running shoes off. Once they are off, she completes removing the pants. Then it’s her skin-tight top, gripped at the bottom and peeled up over her head, like a rabbit being skinned. Her small boobs are exposed, no sports bra underneath, but two strips of tape over each nipple forming a black cross on the end of each tit. It’s not a fashion statement or a kinky move, it’s just practical protection from friction.

She sweeps her hair back again, making sure it’s all collected in a hairband. Every move of her arms makes her small boobs rise and jiggle a little. Standing like this her chest, shoulders and head will be visible over the top of the hedge. She smiles a little nervous smile, and giggles a bit, looking up and down the street. “I can’t believe we’re doing this here ... It’s good ... I’m not complaining ... It makes it even more exciting ... But still, I can’t believe it...”

Casanova sits patiently, his tail stub wagging, his tongue hanging out, but well under control, watching every move Colette makes.

A car drives past, slowing a little and beeping his horn at the sight of this middle-aged woman in nothing but her underpants. She instinctively ducks down under the hedge height and turns away from him, covering up her boobs with folded arms...